Transcript: Successful Parenting within a Godly Marriage part 1

Video Transcript: Successful Parenting within a Godly Marriage Part 01

Welcome to the class on successful parenting within godly marriage. Certainly needing to have this class is very important because marriages that can thrive. And when they have children, there needs to be some instruction and some support given, because that can be such a blessing for marriage. And sometimes it can be stressful, but truly our children, my hope is learning from this class will be our greatest blessings. There are many sources in our world today that tell parents and if they don't feed their children certain ways, or discipline them certain ways, or educate them certain ways, then they're sending their children that for certain doom. But you know, children are free agents, and they're capable of resisting even the most effective parenting plans available. It's also fair to say that doing certain things as a parent obviously raises the odds that you will produce better kids, like having clearly defined moral boundaries. But within the boundaries of God's moral law. In the Bible, there's actually a lot of latitude offered as to how to raise your children. Unfortunately, it's easy for some voices to frame many good ideas as requirements for effective parenting. One of the primary roles that God gave Christian parents is to create adults reflects his heart. A family is without doubt the most effective and efficient vehicle to produce the kind of people who can move confidently into the adult world and have redemptive impact on their culture. So are we as parents train our children's reflect God's heart, there was some research I was learning about the other day, and it was based on children that come from large families, meaning a number of siblings, and there was research to support that is they went into their married life, they handled conflict better, they handled confrontation better, they handled differences better. And part of that was because in their family of origin with all of their siblings, they learn to handle that. And it made more of an impact on their marriages. I thought that was interesting. I have a brother in his dear wife, who have six children. And it is wonderful watching those children interact with each other. And I have great comfort in believing they will be wonderful spouses in their marriages eventually. 

So could our maps be wrong? Let's look at a couple of ways that happen in the lives of parenting, fear based parenting. fear based parenting is the surest way to create intimidated kids. It's also the surest way to raise Christian kids who either don't have any passion for loss people are indifferent to the things of God, or out and out rebel against their parents or church and the Lord. I'll give you an example of a fear based parenting technique. And I saw the fear and intimidation firsthand. And a young woman who was telling me about something that happened with her father years later, she was very much raised in a home where for performance was absolutely the ultimate. And she was not even allowed to hardly get a B or a C in any of her classes. A's were the only thing that were tolerated. She came home one day from school, and was quite worried as she had gotten a B in one of her classes. And I said a B net a D but a B's. When her father found out he was infuriated and facts he said, I told you what was going to happen. And he took a clothesline, and he started to beat her with that clothesline, enough to leave bruises, enough to leave welts. Now, this was years later, when she was in therapy with me and still remember the day like it was yesterday. And actually, as she became an adult, and in her teenager, she rebelled horribly against her parents, because there was many instances where there was fear based parenting. The good news, though, to the story, and it wasn't a story it was true, was that in our therapy, we were able to do some work with that particular memory and she did love the Lord. And she believed that her Heavenly Father was much different than her earthly father. And during a prayer time, she was able to see the Lord Jesus enter into that memory, take a hold of the rope and say to her father, her earthly father, you will no longer hurt my daughter. It was an amazing session and it was so healing. Now, how about another map that could be wrong evangelical behavior modification parenting. This is an offshoot of fear based parenting that assumes the proper environment, the proper information, the proper education and the absence of negative influences will increase the chances of a child turning out well. 

This parenting plan works from two flawed assumptions. The first assumption that the battle is primarily outside the child, well it is not. And the assumption two that the spiritual life can be transferred onto a child's heart, much like information placed on the computer hard drive, it can't. These are homes, where God rules in the head but seldom gets to the place in the heart. This would be an example of parents saying, when the child why do we have to go to church? Because I said so. And why do we have to pray? Because we do. And it's allmost if that's supposed to be enough for a child to understand that that's the end of any discussion. And actually, children can learn so much from understanding why parents feel that way. And what their belief system is. How about another map that could be wrong. Curseful parenting, very similar to the previous evangelical behavior modification parenting, the main parenting goal and curseful family is control. Control is attempted through two primary methods. The first method being the barricade method, these parents will build barriers around the children by forbidding them from doing things, going places, being with certain people, and listening to certain kinds of music. However, the problem with our children is not the presence of bad things on the outside is the absence of spiritual, emotional and psychological strength on the inside. How about punishment, in this particular form of punishment, this is not provided are pointing out consequences, but rather making children pay for their behaviors as a way to obtain right standing. 

Punishments are often used to blackmail cores or threatened children into performing the way the parent wants them to this has control and it provides occasion for children, they can focus on their good behaviors, as a means of earning love and acceptance. You know, I was thinking about a particular scenario. And again, this was a woman that had come to therapy and started to tell me about issues from her childhood. There were certain ways that her father said that she had to dress before she went to school. And she remembers coming out one time and had arm a pair of tights on with a tunic that went over the types. And he came in, he measured it with a ruler. And he said, how dare you wear that tunic, with how short it is, you're just a bad girl. You're just going to give messages to boys, get in your room right now and change that. And he said, you know, bad girls are punished, they're punished by God. And I am going to make sure that you don't do that again. Then he went in, and he took that same ruler, he told her to lift up her tunic, and at 13 years old, she gave her a huge whipping with that ruler. Now, that young woman went on to be very promiscuous, there was a rebel side of her as well. Because that was not a way for her to believe that she should have respect for her body, that she should understand how men would see women, or even be taught how to dress. She became very much rebellious in her heart, because of the punishment that her father enforced. And even if there was an issue, I'm not denying perhaps the tunic was a bit short. But there actually could be discussion to that, so that she could understand and come to some determination of making those choices about modesty. And what the Bible says about being modest for a woman. How about another map being wrong rules and performance. This can take the place of the needs of people. Then there could be image control parenting. Now, image control parenting assumes that people will know you are a good Christian parent raising nice Christian offspring, by your church attendance, the way you dress or don't dress, the way you cut your hair don't, the words and expressions you use or don't use, the schools you attend or don't attend, the movies you see or don't see, the amount of scripture you can quote, and the version of the Bible that you read. Or unfortunately, can kids tell we are living by checklists rather than trusting in God with a true personal relationship to lead us. I was reading about an example of this and it was in the book by Kimmel, Andre space parenting. And it talked about a true experience and it was about a youth pastor. And this youth pastor was very much having these events for the young people of the church and that included some loud music. 

It included some lots of fun, but definitely the kids came and it wasn't during worship time and they dressed very much of a variety of ways, the way their hair, the colors over their hair, hats and just all kinds of dress. Well, there was a father that came that day and he was one of the elders at the church. And he walked in. And he started to look around and he said, This is not right. He said the music for openers. He was talking to the youth pastor. I could tell the youth pastor said that he was one that believed our culture was in moral decline, and that the church had co opted the trappings of a corrupted world system for him if it had a beat, and it had to be bad. I knew Tom felt that way. This was the father's name, about the style of music, the way the kids were allowed to dress, and the way the leadership communicated their message with a sellout. Now, the youth pastor pointed out that the kids in the group covered the spectrum, some were dressed very conservatively. Some had pierced belly buttons, some had tattoos, and some even had mid dress that were showing. Many of the teams even had tinted hair. And they weren't many different styles. Tom, the father looked around. I was aware of the youth pastor said that there were many kids in the group that was struggling with a variety of issues, drugs, premarital sex, and serious rebellion. But you couldn't tell which kids were having that issue by looking at them. Most important the youth pastor was thinking they were in church. This is the hospital that God's left for them. They weren't out in the streets. They were the kind of kids that could be in the streets doing very much horrible, unhealthy things, but they were in that church. Then the father said, I think that they should stop throwing their hats like that couple of young men had their hats backwards. something should be done about it. Heck, I'll do it myself. The youth pastor said do what? I'm going to walk over to that exit right now. I'm going to tell them they believe if they don't turn those hats around. Actually, the youth pastor said he felt like the first time he was watching a modern day Pharasee who was evaluating sincerity and spiritual maturity, by external standards. It had nothing to do with the possible intent of their heart. Having been a youth pastor for years, the youth pastor said he figured out early that young people is a lot like fishing. 

When it comes to learning fish, it's best to put on the hook, something they like to eat, not what you like, the father was elevating his personal taste to a level of biblical authority. And he was about to humiliate some nice kids, even perhaps turn them away from being able to find Jesus, because they came because it was something they understood. So the youth pastor said, you're not going to do any such thing. Just leave them alone. They're not doing anything disrespectful to God. I know one of those boys. And actually, he tried to tell his father, his actual father, this young boy died when he was 10 years old. He was trying to find answers for his life. He looks like he's really rough. But he's been coming to church. And I'm going to make sure that he hears the word of God. And with that Tom turned around, the father, and stomped out. Now, this was definitely more that herd mentality parenting, how things look, and not looking at the true heart of where those young people could have been about helicopter parenting, that's another one. Parents who take this approach hover over their kids and rescue them from the consequences of poor decisions or misbehavior. What's the unfortunate result? Well, they raised children who soon believe that the world revolves around them and that they should never be held accountable. You treat your kids well, you do everything for them, and they end up treating you badly. Well, why? Well, because when we continually rescue our kids, they become dependent on us. This is because deep down every human being yearns to be free, competent, and independent. Let's give another example. This is a mother and a son. They were sitting at the dinner table and the son let's say his name is Eric. He serves eggs by his mother and apparent team and he says yak, I don't want them, no. His mother says, honey, I made them for you, you need to eat your eggs. No, the boy insist. I'm not eating them, I hate them. Oh, honey, his mother says, alright, what do you want? I want pop tarts. The child demands. Okay, sweetie, his mother says I'll make you pop tarts. This time but not again. Not drink your orange juice. I don't want orange juice. The boy says angrily. I don't want it and I want soda. Honey, soda isn't for breakfast. That's not what we have. I want soda he yells, okay, just this time, but only this time. 

Okay. Now, this mother trying to be a good mom provided cafeteria service for her son Eric, when he refused to eat when he was served, he got what he requested. Trying to be strict on occasion, there, his mother would say, no, you're eating it and I'm not getting anything else. But then he would refuse to eat, and she would give in. Now there is an example the helicopter parents. So let's say there's a little bit further that's moving on a few years. When Eric turned seven, he got into the habit of forgetting his lunch. He would call his mother and she would rush to school, his time she'd bring two sack lunches instead of one, why two, just in case he lost another one of them before lunch. When he was 12. Eric teacher assigned a science project he complained to his mother. But this is really hard. Not fair. He told his mother. Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Then she completed it for him. What was the good news mom earned an A. when Eric was 17, mom hired the best lawyer in town to get him out of some hot water. And when he was 23, Eric got caught stealing some antique jewelry his mother at inherited from his grandmother. The more we rescue our kids from everything they encounter, the more they end up hating us in the long run, and not learning any responsibility. How about a map being wrong with drill sergeant parents. Bark orders that they demand be followed, use punishment to assert their control encouraged kids to never learn how to think for themselves, inspire fear and resentment rather than problem solving. Create teachers who can't think for themselves. This is a story of a father and a mother, who had two little twin daughters. When the first little child come out, she was didn't even hardly even cry or anything didn't even make us make a sound. And yet she was healthy. And the nurses noticed it right away that she was a quiet, little twin, baby girl. The second twin baby girl came out. 

She was beat read in with full lungs and crying at the top of her volume scale. And then there's the set as I've seen many children not being with a blank slate, but definitely with personality from day one, this little twin girl is going to have spunk. Well, that's exactly what the father started to describe. And this is an example of a drill sergeant father. He said that sometimes the first daughter Jessie would come down to breakfast, and she was wearing a miniskirt skirt again, that was too short. He tell her to go right back upstairs and change that into something more appropriate for school and you're not leaving my house dressed like that. She would smile sweetly and say okay, and then she'd come down. We're in something akin to a prairie dress from the old frontier days. Now, Jacqueline, the youngest would come down and he'd tell her to go change. She would give him some smirky type of size but then head up to her room, but you know what she would change and then put her skirt under her backpack. And she'd bring it to school to sort of skirt because she knew exactly what she was going to do. And no one not even her father was going to tell her what to do. Jesse always did what I asked the father said. But Jacqueline would fight more, but I still had the final say. And even if she did give me some backtalk it still happened because I am the final authority in this home. Well then that fateful day came. The girls took the keys to the car one night when they were teenagers. And without permission. They went into this drag race with some other kids. That was the last time the father said he ever saw them alive. They both died in a car crash. The father said he was not there to collect sympathy, but he wanted other parents to understand. Because Jackie was strong wilderness obvious he lost her by bossing her around. They snuck out that night. She was never going to ask permission she definitely became very rebellious. But he lost Jessie because she didn't have a mind of her own. She was so used to dad barking orders to her that she didn't stand up to her sister either. And they ended up losing their lives that night. So let's talk about some precise and accurate maps relationship above rules. The the goal and obedience and compliance is an inferior goal. It can actually be detrimental to both your children's development and personal responsibility and our perception of God the Father. Although obedience is an important part of our relationship with our children. It is not the most important quality, most important commandment and Kingdom culture for our homes. 

When the Pharisees asked Jesus what the most important commandment was, he startled them with his response. They were trying to trap him with his answer. But instead of painting himself into a corner, he opened up a revelation to them. His response was, in essence, love God love your neighbor and love yourself. The greatest commandment is love. in one swoop, Jesus promoted relationship above rules. Love and relationships are the bottom line of the kingdom, and they must be ours if we wish to establish a kingdom culture in our home. How about graceful parenting a precise and accurate map, spend time and trusting that you entrust your children to Christ they live to know God more. These are parents that know their children are the daily recipients of the grace that they are enjoying from the Lord. Rather than trying to control graceful parents provide discipline to which their children learn to make wise choices. Relationships are there to make sense of the rules. And their action is there to make sense of the way we need to perform to be successful and growing in maturity. How about a graceful family, a place where people can do the job of learning to live without the fear of losing love and acceptance of the job gets too messy. In order to get good at anything you need to practice. That includes the process of learning to live and the mistakes that occur, and graceful families mistakes are seen as learning opportunities. 

How about Philippians 4:11 Not that I speak from what for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I noticed how to get along with humble means. And I also know how to live in prosperity. In any and every circumstances I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. And that is such a fantastic verse, to be instilling in our children and having them learn. Let's talk a bit more about precise and accurate maps. This is a Greek word. Please draw your attention to the two Greek words translated learned in English. They are not the same word. One is from the word mueo, and it means initiated. The other is emathon a form of the word mathatais. Peter, James and John were mathatais disciples they had been trained firsthand by Jesus, Paul or not from being told not to remain in a book, not preparing a sermon. The words indicate that Paul had been through both initiation process and a process of being disciple. His success came because he had a relationship with Christ, whose grace gave him the strength to get through. He had been through experiences and this was part of his journey, he experienced hunger and being poor. Now that is an example of having excellent training, it is not out of being told is not about being forced, it is not about being punished. You know, this brings potential for grace filled relationships, parents can provide a context in which children can learn to be wise decision makers instead of compliant or fearful parent pleasers. One day we the barrier places will not be there to place barriers are strong consequences. Will our children be strong, governed and strengthened from within? That is the hope. Thank you for listening to this first class.