Transcript: Financial Stewardship for the Godly Marriage

Video Transcript: Financial Stewardship for the Godly Marriage

Welcome to the class on financial stewardship for the godly marriage. Certainly a very important concept in dealing with marriages as money can be such an issue to either bring closeness or to pull marriages apart. Why is money so often at the heart of relationship conflict, because spouses frequently approached financial matters differently, sometimes extremely differently. In many cases, one spouse is a saver while the other spouse is a spender. Or it might be that one partner is a risk taker, while the other is a security seeker. Other times one person will get exceedingly stressed about owing debt, while his or her partner shrugs it off is no big deal. I often see that. And I'll have couples come in. And I can tell that they're not speaking in a healthy way about finances. One of my most recent experiences was a dear lady, she had received some information at her work, that there was going to be the ability to buy a half a cow. Now, at the same time, she and her husband had incurred some issues with having to fix the car and also with subplication expense. But she thought it was a really good deal about this half a cow. So she came home to talk to the husband, and he said, trying to be very calmly as he was the main bill person to write out the bills and to understand where their budget was at that they just could not do it right now. Well, when she went back to work, the person said that they had found someone to do a portion of that. So now it would only be a quarter of a cow. So again, thinking that that might be a possibility. She went home and talked to her husband about that. And this time he went off. And he told her that she didn't think this was any big deal about their budget. And how could she bring this up again, when he had already said that they couldn't do it right now. And she was devastated. So actually, it was also about a communication issue. And we got to work through that in session. 

I don't consider myself necessarily a financial counselor. But often if these financial discussions bring arguments, then I get involved. And notice this is exactly what's happening with this couple. Here they have the calculator, and different bills and money on the table and not very happy right now, in this discussion, and wanting to have more blessing coming because of finances. We as the counselors or therapists or pastors will need to help these folks. Money can be a great source of joy and delight or it can be a great source of pain for every individual and couple. It can provide a sense of excitement about the future or trepidation and dread. It can provide peace of mind or high blood pressure, it can foster unity and intimacy or division and discord. It is my hope that this class can help you and your spouse experience the joy that comes from addressing personal stewardship issues in a positive productive way. I certainly want to bring in the biblical take on finances and what our dear Lord God has to say. The Bible reveals a clear division of responsibilities in the handling of money. Simply put, God has certain responsibilities and has given others to us. Much of the frustration in our finances comes from not realizing which responsibilities are ours and which are not. The Lord's responsibility is that he owns all our stuff. He created and owns everything Psalm 24:1 says the earth is the Lord's, and everything in it. What then is our responsibilities. The word in the Bible that best describes our role as steward. Now a steward is simply a manager of someone else's stuff. We are to be the managers of whatever the Lord gives us. And in First Corinthians four two, it states it is required in stores that one be found faithful. Now God wants us to be faithful, regardless of how much we have. In fact, Jesus says he was faithful in a very little thing as faithful also in much. If you are faithful in small financial matters, God knows that he can trust you with more resources. Your job is to simply make a genuine effort, no matter how small it may appear, and then leave the results to God. The Lord says in Proverbs 21:5, the plan of the diligent lead to profit. Now God intended for money to be a blessing to us and others given it will be given to you, Luke 6:38. 

In fact, the Bible says that the problem is that money is the love of money that is the root of all kinds of evil, First Timothy 6:10, and that's in a book on boundaries by cloud and Townson. You know, this brings back a memory very early in my marital life. My husband was a youth pastor at the time and we didn't really make much of a living definitely enjoyed we're doing as it was ministry, but it was a more of a job that the churches weren't able to pay a lot either. Well, one of our neighbors was a very, very wealthy gentleman. He was older at the time, in his 60s, he was actually retired from a business that had been very profitable. And I mean, we had heard that he was a millionaire a few times over. And there were at least four or five times that that precious man came to us and offered to help us with something and we didn't even solicit the help. One time, he wanted to give us some money, so that we could go out for a nice dinner, because he knew that we wouldn't have the budget to do that. One time, he gave us some money to help with some Christmas presents. And one time he gave us some money, and it was to help cover a bill that it was a lot more It was a car expense bill. And do you know that because of wind to be gracious to this man, we did accept and always we're incredibly thankful. It was amazing how God continue to bless him. He continued even on the money that he had from retirement to make return on his investment. And I know that we weren't the only ones that he was that gracious, and was that giving too. Now, in case you have never heard of tithing, this is another biblical aspect of finances. One of the first instances where tidiness mentioned in the Bible is in Genesis, or Abraham gives a tie to Melchizedek the priest, Genesis 14:18 through 20, then Melchizedek king of Salem brought out bread and wine, he was priest of God most high and he blessed Abraham saying, blessed would be Abraham, by God most high creator of heaven and earth, and Blessed be God most high, who delivered your enemies into your hand and Abraham gave him a 10th of everything. Here's another example is when Jacob grandson of Abraham vowed to type the Lord God, after he had a dream and wrestled with the angel in Genesis 28:22. And this stone, which I have set for a pillar shall be God's house, and of all that thou shall give me I will surely give the 10th on to the. 

Thus in the Old Testament, giving a tithe 10% was required. And it is not as specific in the New Testament. But it certainly does not reject the concept of the ties, I do believe it is still very important. its emphasis on the New Testament is also on the heart of the one who gives, I think of my very benevolent neighbor, from years ago, calling for generous, even sacrificial giving. First Corinthians 13:3, if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, but don't have love, it profits me nothing is hard to imagine anything more admirable than giving to the poor. But if we do it without love, it is of not of any benefit to us. I was looking on the internet and googling some ideas about biblical tithing. And I came upon a site called breathe deeply.org. And it was a very precious testimony about tithing. The person who wrote this was about 30, when they actually put this writing into the Internet, and it says one afternoon just after I turned 30, I decided it was time to finally read the Bible, the whole Bible cover to cover Genesis straight through revelation, no matter how long it took, excited and often challenged by what I was learning, and this was the wife. I eagerly shared my newfound knowledge with my husband, who wasn't nearly as interested as I wasn't speaking, but who patiently endured until I broached the subject of tithing. Is that 10% of gross or net? He asked slightly annoyed. Gross, I replied, I'm pretty sure God comes before taxes. Do you have any idea how much money that is? Well, no, actually, I didn't. The conversation quickly ended with you can give as much to church each week as we spent an entertainment. It wasn't a tide, but it was a start. That was his agreement. Months later, my husband Tony walked in from work in the middle of the afternoon, with a large cardboard box in his arms. I lost my job today. He said, It's time we start tithing. You will last your job and you want to start tithing now. Yes, now, off my severance check. I could barely speak. I think I stopped breathing.

I definitely couldn't believe what I was hearing. We had no income, no insurance, two young sons and a baby daughter on the way what a time to test God. Yes, that's exactly what my husband was doing. Like Gideon and the Old Testament, Tony needed assurance tangibly, unmistakable proof that God is an is as good as this word. And for him, there was no better time to begin. So my husband threw out his sleve, and 10% of his severance check and waited. God's response was immediate and abundant. It somewhat overwhelmed us. Unexpected refund and rebate checks began arriving in our mailbox. So many of them that we wondered what God could possibly do next, we continued to tide off every dollar that came in, and it didn't take us long to discover that we simply couldn't outgive God. The more we gave, the more he poured into our laps, a good measure. pressed down, shaken together and running over Luke 6:38. We were hooked. Over the years we learned that tithing wasn't the ultimate object of that lesson biblical giving was. And that's why we give God gives to us that we can give to others. We are blessed to be a blessing, conduits of God's grace, mercy and abundant love to one another. God isn't about a set percent and it's not about what we can do, but about what God can and will do through us when we're willing. test me in this as the Lord God Almighty and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it. Malikai 3:10. 

Okay, let's get back to some other aspects of financial stewardship. I would like to talk a little bit about some statistics, and this was conducted by Dr. William Fliesen. He was a professor of psychology or still lives at Wake Forest University. He wrote an article entitled marriage and money mostly closely linked to quality of life. Dr. Fliesen analyzed national survey data to determine Americans overall quality of life and assess the reasons people experienced satisfaction or dissatisfaction, contentment or discontentment. The number one reason people enjoy high quality of life is a happy marriage. The second rated reason is financial stability. Other factors lower on the list include good health, child rearing, fulfilling work and a gratifying sex life. However, clearly marriage and money are vital to our sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. Now, what can undermine the sense of satisfaction with money fulfillment, how about credit card stress, I did some research on this as well. The average household has an unpaid balance and credit cards of $9,300 the credit card companies make a ton of money charging high interest, they also know and this is from research that people spend 1/3 more when they are using credit cards rather than cash. Please consider snowballing the plastic in addition to making the minimum payments on all credit cards, focus on paying off the smallest balance first, then after the smallest credit card balances paid off, apply that payment as extra to the next smallest one. Here's a nice picture for you. isn't that easy? Look at that dear wife in the back and look at the determination of her husband. He's cutting up the credit cards, and I imagine they had just had a conversation that it was getting out of control. Now I also wanted to present some specific issues for premarital finances. And the reason why is because the base that we bring into our marriage is huge. I have four different ideas I want to share regarding premarital discussions. 

First, give complete disclosure of your finances. You should be fully transparent with your financial situation. Make this commitment to each other no secrets about money. When you are honest, even if there is bad news to deal with. It builds trust with your future spouse, your fiance will respect and appreciate your integrity. Remember, ignorance about your financial circumstances is definitely not bliss. Number two, talk through your financial goals, values and expectations. Get to know each other, learn each other's financial personalities, values and attitudes. What is it that you want to accomplish in your economic lives as an individual and as a couple? What things are most important to you regarding finances. My husband and I learned this a bit the hard way. We definitely had different financial personalities. And that was because of some of our childhood upbringing and also some of our mentorship. In his family of origin. They saved everything. And his mother was extremely adapted at finances, and to this day as a millionaire. And very much was a penny pincher. And in my family, the bills were paid and everything was up to date. But after that you had money to have fun. And it wasn't really a big emphasis on savings or even on retirement. Another reason that my husband had such prowess and still does with finances, is he had a mentor that was many years older, who helped him understand about finances and about investments. I had my first taste of why this mentor and my husband's life had such a financial wealth portfolio. We had went on a Florida vacation and with this couple and we had went to one of the amusement parks and if any of you are aware of the expensive amusement parks, it's expensive to even get a bottle of water but I was extremely thirsty. And in that moment, the only thing that was around was one of those vending machines to get water. But it was like five bucks to even get a bottle of water, which my husband and I did. And immediately, that man came up and said, one of the reasons that we have the portfolio that we do is we would not spend money on a bottle of water at that much of a value at $5, just one bottle. And he in his wife, walked way down the road and found a drinking fountain. Now, he did speak a little bit strongly. But it was something to consider. I'm not against buying a bottle of water. Remember, I came from have fun. But I think there's a balance there. But interestingly enough, later, I did find out from my husband that this man, his wife, had a portfolio portfolio of about $7 million. So definitely some of the decisions they are making. And I guess some of those little things were quite amazing. 

Okay, how about develop a spending plan together as well, it is a very helpful exercise to develop an estimated spending plan together. Obviously, it won't be completely accurate, because you will have to make an educated guess at many times, but you will learn a great deal about each other. And this would probably be like I just said your emotional connection to money as you're making this spending time together. And then please be open to learning God's way of handling money. Some of these principles I just talked about, in God's view of money, such as tithing and giving. And that is very important before even saying the words I do in marriage. Now I'm going to now talk about 10 ways to improve financial intimacy and marriage and this can be for any marriage at any time frame. And certainly after tying the knot, notice how I start now with praying for wisdom and guidance. Pray that God would allow you to put the marriage above any individual concerns. Ask God to guide you in how he wants to funds earned, used and distributed request a double portion of humility. So you can be prepared to accept God's guidance, plead with God to give you the necessary strength to release control of your money, and give God control. Be partners, from now on we are in this financial situation together, we have an equal responsibility and equal opportunity. How about defining goals? Goal setting is a form of practical dreaming, and who does not like to dream about what the future could be? This goal setting is not just about finances, but is about all things in life. Goal setting is where a husband and wife looked at each other and say, where do we want to be in five years in 10 years and 15 years, husband and wife then look at the financial implications of those goals they have jointly set. If a husband and a wife have separate goals, it will be nearly impossible to have financial intimacy in marriage. And actually, some of the research supports that couples that sit down and write their goals down. Concretely, this would be in some kind of a notebook or it might be in a document on the computer, there's a 98% stronger chance that these goals will actually be realized, because the tangible nature of actually writing them down. Also combined income, since there is a union between husband and wife, it is important that couples combine bank accounts and all other financial items. Is it possible to function financially with separate bank accounts? 

Yes, but what do you seek for your marriage? A thriving marriage with intimacy on all levels involves combining financial resources. Now, I will make a couple of comments. There are many folks now that are getting married a bit later in life like in the 30 something decade, and they already had been working and they have gainful employment, and they have independent accounts and assets. And then what about the dear folks who went through divorces, and definitely have their own portfolio and come together. And money could be a big trust issue. This could be something that is with steps. I actually had a couple that I had worked with the wife after her divorce. And then after being divorced about four years, she did meet a man that it was led that they would get married, but they both had significant assets after their divorce and they were scared to death to combine. So the suggestion came with one of their financial counselors that they would start out with a small combination. So they created a bank account where they put money to pay utilities, and they still paid other things separately. Next, they put into that account combined money that was going to pay some of their entertainment expenses. And then next, they put into the account money that they might use for like groceries and gas. And as time went on that took about four years of marriage, they eventually were able to combine their accounts and become beneficiaries on all of their retirements and investments. But after four years, there was a direct correlation with how close they felt as a couple to and all aspects of their marriage, and their unity and combination of finances supported that. How about distributing responsibilities, money management takes time, energy, knowledge and wisdom. 

One of the most common complaints is the burden of so many responsibilities and commitments, here are a few suggestions, take on a blank piece of paper or open a Word document on your computer, and list all of the jobs related to personal finances. And I've come up with a couple. This might include balancing the checkbook, transferring funds, paying bills, researching retirement options, making investment decisions, then make a copy of that list. And both spouses should write one of the following phrases by each task, I would enjoy doing that, or I am willing to do that. Please don't make me do that. Now compare your lists, assign responsibilities first according to the tasks you would enjoy. Next, assign responsibilities by rotating every other task and the willing to do list. So you'll both have opportunity to do that. And finally, both of you are for the same task. Consider outsourcing if possible, or splitting the responsibility 50-50 or assigning the task to one partner and then the other will assume another household responsibility that you both rate as, then you both would have an issue that maybe is not your favorite thing to do. I'm just wanting to make sure that finances have a good plan for having success in your marriage. How about budget jointly and meet regularly, when you have defined goals, you now have a broad or general direction that you would like to follow in your life. And with that, your job is to apply those long term goals to the short term month's budget, this budget will represent the small goals you meet along the way to achieving your ultimate goals. Now, once the budget is set isn't important that you track your progress. 

So often, I have couples that say the other spouse has absolutely no interest at all, and having a budget meeting. And it might be the spouse that doesn't worry about at all or kind of has a laissez faire attitude. I will ask that if the spouse who has no interest would just do a moving towards or a turning towards and spend some time, at least every other week to just listen, one of my wives who was actually a financial prowess in the relationship. So she balanced the checkbook, she paid the bills. The husband didn't want anything to do with it. But she started to feel very much the stress of it all and that he didn't care. So he agreed to have a financial meeting and he would let her show him the bills. Show him what was being paid that week show him the balances in their account, the checking in the savings and he really didn't even say a word. But she was thrilled because the fact that he just sat with her and listened and let his presence be there was enough. Work at removing financial pressure too many money discussions in marriage happen in high stress situations. So if there is a lot of financial pressure, there's a lot more possibility of having high stress conversations, the couple needs to take away the pressure that every financial decision could break you. This must be done by paying off debt and saving for emergencies. paying off debt would be the credit card debt that we addressed earlier. Once you have taken care of those financial pressures, you will find that all your financial discussions suddenly much easier, because now there is space to breathe and even room for air. agree on some guiding principles. Here are some examples of guidelines you might have, we will give at least 10% of our income to our local church, or other charities, we will save 10% of our paycheck towards retirement, we will buy things with cash and not borrow. The point is when you set your goals some decisions only need to be made once and then you budget according to these guidelines. And then seek outside help sometimes a third party can be an invaluable resource. couples have find themselves in an impasse often just need someone to help them hear what the other spouse is saying. When communication has failed. Find a church pastor or counselor who can guide you back on track. And perhaps in taking these class, you're going to be a person that will be providing help for couples who need that third party. Here's a picture I wanted to just give a visual of having a little financial discussion with a third party. And there looks to be quite a happy disposition on the face of the couple who seems to be talking about their finances. How about The last one put the needs of your spouse above your own. 

Often our financial discussions are a sign of our immaturity and our carnal self, we hunger and lust for things, we desire those things even above the welfare of our marriage, give up the insignificant things of life so that you can gain the greater reward of a unified marriage Philippians, two, four, each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others. The example that comes to me with this particular part of the lesson is, it was a movie called Fireproof. I don't know if some of you have seen that movie. But it was about a man and a woman who was married was in deep trouble and finances was a huge part of it also anger and some addiction issues with pornography. But part of the emphasis in the movie regarding the money is that the wife had a need to help her ailing parents, especially her mother, her mother was going to need some extra nursing care because of an illness and a wheelchair. And they had a significant savings in this movie. That was I think, somewhere around 25 or 30,000. But the husband was absolutely very strongly with determination to use that for a new boat. And he wouldn't even listen to the wife about the need that the parents had and her mother specifically, well as the movie went on, and their marriage got in more trouble. And he started to do a love deer because God prompted him to start working to again, revive the love in his wife's heart. He actually went and did use that money to help her parents but unbeknownst to her, and when she found out, she thought it was someone else, and actually was a man that she was having an emotional affair with, she found out her husband did it. You talk about trying to love her husband again and have respect for him. It was amazing. And he did he put the marriage in the needs of his spouse above his own, it was pretty amazing. Now being partners is very important. And one of the last concepts I want to share. Just again, it might even have some redundancy, but it helps keep some of these principles of financial stewardship for a couple in their mind the thinking of the acronym team. Teamwork is the key not only to marital happiness, but also to financial success. Let's break down the components of accountability into four easy to remember parts. 

How about T tell the truth, a marriage has so much to gain both partners can rest assure that every message they send each other is honest and true. When husbands and wives lie to each other or withhold the entire truth, their trust will erode and their partnership will crumble. In the last few years, I was working in a situation with a single man, and he had been divorced. And as he started to tell his story with great pain in his heart, it was over financial indiscretions. His wife had numerous credit cards that he had not known about and had put every part of their marriage, even their home in jeopardy. And then one of the last draws is she cashed in. It was an insurance policy where she forged his name and it was significant amount. And when he found out, he no longer had any trust in his wife and the whole aspect of covenant had been completely obliterated. And this marriage did end up in a divorce and it was over finances. Now really, if we are telling the truth and we are more connected in our visions and our dreams with money, this is what our attitudes should be like does this couple not look content. 

This leads to the E of the team encourage each other. Every person on earth responds better to the carrot than to the stick. It's hard to imagine anyone being made, badgered and belittled into changing if you want to see your spouse improve in a particular area offer lots of encouragement and affirmation. As the Apostle Paul said, speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you'll be together in this first Thessalonians 5:11 hope is what keeps people moving forward. And encouragement is what gives people hope. 

How about the A in team agree on action steps. Both you and your spouse must consent to a plan of action to keep your financial situation and your relationship moving forward. identify specific assignments and roles for each person utilizing the strengths offered by both. That was part of the 10 ways for financial intimacy called defining roles. There was some specific ideas for the action steps. 

What about M meet consistently, accountability won't happen if there is no regular communication. If one spouse has a history of letting things fall through the cracks. It would be helpful to meet at least once a week and may take only five minutes to discuss spend Decisions budget updates and tasks that need to be accomplished. Of course once the budget is set in place, consistent check in ties will assure both spouses that they are fulfilling their assignments. Now, I wanted to give a couple of helpful helpful resources. And this is very helpful for money management and financial stewardship. Make sure you take advantage of a free credit report every year, once a year, everyone in America can get a free credit report from each of the three credit bureaus. You can request one and your spouse can request one also, this is the login information or this is the phone number. And it definitely will give you an idea of where you sit with your credit. Also, you can opt out of telemarketing calls and credit card offers by mail, log on to the website of the National Do Not Call Registry and here's the website to stop telemarketers or phone this number to stop junk mail. And you'll be glad that you did take this simple step. Now I did want to close as we're still going to be continuing to talk about finances but I wanted to give you a little tuck in with this prayer. Dear God, I lift up couples who are struggling in their finances right now. You know every detail of their lives and you know their every need. I pray that you would not only provide all that they need but that you would guide them and show them how to balance their finances. I pray that your Holy Spirit would teach husbands and wives how to manage money and how to trust in each other with it in Jesus name. And please know this is a prayer that I'm encouraging you to use as well when you are counseling couples on their finances and provide covering for the Lord's leadership in this area in their life. Thank you