Transcript: The Brink of Divorce part 1

Video Transcript: Marriage Undone – The Brink of Divorce Part 01

Welcome to the class that is entitled marriage and on the brink of divorce. It is certainly a topic that is very hard to think about in terms of counseling in terms of support. Because just the very three words brink of divorce almost sounds as if it is now done or almost done. Now, those of us as counselors, and certainly as pastors are going to have these situations. Sometimes I'll have couples come into my office, and I'm so much wishing, why didn't they come sooner? Because the issues that are now at hand in this marriage have almost become places that divorce is the only option. Now, not with the Lord Jesus. The couple is feeling that it will be our role in their lives, as Pastor as therapists, to let them be able to see beyond the darkness of that what seems foreboding divorce, marriage is now unraveling is coming undone. And it's not only unraveling, but it feels like there's a complete break. Now it is not God's desire for you to live within a broken marriage. It is his deepest desire to help you teach you change you and transform your marriage, he can and will empower you and your spouse to turn things around, but only if you let Him. And only if you do your part. Maybe you cheated on your spouse, maybe you're holding on to past failures. Maybe you've been married multiple times in your current marriage is on the verge of ending. Maybe your whole life is about to collapse because of financial ruin. Maybe there is no place inside of you anymore to even believe that love can exist, and marriage can thrive off. Get one thing straight, there is nothing and that means nothing that can separate you from the love of God, not your path, not your failures that your hang ups, not your slip up. I love this verse, Romans 8:38-39, neither death nor life, neither angels, or demons, neither the present or the future, or any powers, neither height, nor depth, or anything else and all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God. That is in Christ Jesus our Lord. And then Philippians 4:13 I can do offering through Christ who strengthens me. And I would say to the marriage, our marriage can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

There will be the necessity to die to our old self, our old life and all that is hindering God's best in our life. And the life and love of the marriage. Forgiveness, cleansing, healing and newness of life began at the foot of the cross, it's time to change your mindset. It's time to define marriage through God's eyes. It's time to get rid of unrealistic expectations and set your eyes and hearts on what God says. I remember, there was a couple that had come in. And as they were talking with me, it became apparent that the reason they were at that session was because their children, which were teenagers, I think couple in their 20s, and a couple in their teens had begged them to come. Actually, one of them had already sought out the counsel of an attorney, and was getting ready to file the paperwork for divorce. But they said to their children, they would be willing to come for their children. When I asked them if they wanted to work on their marriage. They said no, they were Christians, but they felt that they had tried counseling before. There had been issues that they could not get over. And they were done. And I looked at them. And I said, if your children wants you to fight for this, and the Lord God wants you to fight for this, I am willing to fight for this as well. Would you commit to six sessions. And if you are willing to commit to six sessions, let's see where this can go. And you know, after six sessions, the marriage was not restored. But the process and the thought of divorce was now off the table. So please give your folks hope. Jesus Christ is the hope giver. And we get to be that vessel in the midst of it. Do you feel like you just can't communicate? Is there a wall that is between you? You know, every married couple will find themselves in a wall at some point in their marriage. This does not mean we give up on our marriage and start looking for a new life. What it means is we faithfully and intentionally find a new way of relating to each other, a new way of spending time together a new way of being open with one another and new ways of nurturing and growing up in marriage. I have referenced the book, getting the love you want and keeping the love you find two books by Dr. harville Hendricks and again, he is very specific. That initially it was going to be the romantic phase. And then there is going to be the conflict struggle and if folks are willing to get through the conflict struggle, they will go to committed love. You see, the grass isn't always greener. On the other side it is green where you water it, we have a composite image of all the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers. That is what Dr. Hendricks calls imago. The imago match is that composite image we marry, or we commit for the purpose of healing, the unfinished business of childhood are our parents who are the ones that often can start that initial process of how we look at relationship. And that can be in a wounded way, or it could be in a healthy way. But if there are wounds, then our mate will be the stand in for what our parents had done. 

Now, there will become at some point a power struggle. And it will feel like I had to live with this before and I'm not doing it again, you're the same way that my mother or father was, I can remember a couple and the husband had many memories of a very, very anxious mother. And then she also had some severe depression, she had actually ended up in a psychiatric hospital, in this area. And this was when he was a child. And he felt incredibly abandoned because his father was not used to being the caretaker. Now, when the mother would come home from this hospitalization, she was much different, she was more distant. She was saying things like, I just have to take care of myself. And I imagine there were some things that she needed to work on. However, in that timeframe, she distanced herself from her family. Well, he ended up marrying a woman who also had anxiety. Except this was a bit different, this woman also was a nurturer, and wanted to connect with her husband. Now when she would get anxious, he would withdraw immediately. And then he would tell her, you know what, you just got to get over this. You just need to stop acting this way. And very, very angry whenever she would show some anxiety. And sometimes it wasn't anxiety, it might just be happiness. And she was really excited. And working through it from an imago standpoint. And there was that power struggle. He was realizing then he was working out some issues that actually he had experienced when he was a child. And when he started to get in touch with a person can have anxiety and still stay connected, as his wife did. It brought healing for their marriage and healing from the past. You see, the power struggle is necessary, inbedded in the couples struggle because there lies the information for healing and growth.

Now, there are some common misconceptions people have about marriage. Unfortunately, they don't carry much weight. When tension builds, the following comments tend to become the reality. You may say things to your spouse, like, what's your problem? You're supposed to love me just the way I am. Well, this never bothered you before. I don't know who you are anymore. And this is not what I signed up for. Does any of that sound familiar? Everyone creates an idea of what marriage should be like, how many should perform and he or she should become? Usually it's a wistful, unrealistic imaging, of being taken care of cherished and fulfilled by a spouse. After all, they're just about living happily ever after. Right? When you've heard that before. In today's world, it's dangerous to marry without proper direction. false ideas and fantasies about marriages set up for failure because we are not prepared for reality. Do you know that a marriage license is the only license you can get without preparation and without passing a test? And why is it that in our disciplines, in the pastoral discipline in the counseling, therapeutic discipline, often we want to do premarital assessment. There's some wonderful assessments one is called enrich and prepare. Because we're trying to help the couple understand where their strengths and weaknesses lie and give them more preparation for that marriage. So that all the marriage is floundering. Selflessness is the root cause of most marital problems. A selfish spouse sees no need to change. 

Our problems are your fault. I'm not perfect, but my mistakes aren't as bad as yours. When you change, our marriage will get better. The driving force behind selfishness is a desperate desire to protect ourselves. I'm thinking about a conversation that I had with a couple and what I tried to do is listen the first couple of sessions and especially with the marriages on the brink of divorce, I'm going to hear everything that their spouse is doing wrong. And very seldom do that. Do that couples start out with their role in the relationship and what it is bringing in a negative way to the relationship. So I'll ask, would you be willing to go home and come back next week to this session, and bring me five topic areas, five issues, five examples of what you know, in your heart is happening marriage that is counterproductive, and is happening because of something that you're bringing to the marriage. Sometimes, my couples aren't even able to do that. I remember, I was working with a wife. And she was incredibly embittered. And it never got to the point that she was able to do that. she would say to me, I don't know how to I don't know what to say. And then, you know, because he did this, and I tried to gently bring her around. I even brought it to the point of asking her, if she would try to think about what her husband might be feeling. Wow, I don't know what he's feeling I can't get inside of his head. And you know, that couple ended up quitting therapy. And the last I knew they were in a separation. Because that is absolutely part of this. There is usually two issues involved. And when we can start to own whatever our issue is, there's tons of insight that starts to develop. Selfishness downs from marrying without the proper knowledge of God's design for marriage and from self centered, self seeking ambitions. God designed marriage to be a selfless union. It's not what your wife or husband can do for you. It's what you can do for him or her. Marriage is about serving one another. It's about developing godly character as an individual. It's about serving and loving your partner as Christ did for you, mindful of you, not himself, sacrificially and intentionally. You know, one of my, I would say an example that I have not met this couple, but I have held them in high esteem in my heart. It is the Johnny Erickson ministry, Johnny and friends. 

Johnny is a quadriplegic. And she was actually in a diving accident many years ago in 1967, where she fractured the area where there caused paralysis. And from that point on, she has not been able to walk. Well, that was in 1967. And in 1980, she met a young man his name was Ken at her church. And I was reading a post from their website. And this was last year 2015. They were celebrating their 33rd wedding anniversary. But you talked about sacrificial and unconditional. I just want to read you a little bit of an excerpt of a couple of things they said about their marriage. She introduced the post with high end Johnny Erickson Tada, and he said, I am Ken Tada, and today's our wedding anniversary. I'm so excited Johnny, and we know, we've got a long way to go. don't we Ken? Until we catch up to some couples. Absolutely. But 33 years of marriage or a lot of years under our belt are great memories as well. And we're still learning. Yes, Johnny said we're still learning. You know, when I see you now I looked at you and I want to burst into a song. Oh, my man, I love him. So he'll never know, all my life was just to spare until he was there. And then she said, Well, you know, one thing I appreciate about you can is you really take our marriage vows seriously. I mean, it is for better or for worse. When you are married to a quadriplegic. It is in sickness and in health. And it is in death do us part, God bless you for making good on our marriage vows. And I think you do that best when you recite to me the verses of scripture that you memorize. And Ken said, first of all, Johnny, you are very kind, but understand that we just so happened to have a disability in our marriage. But those marriage vows are for everybody, for all marriages. And for better or for worse in sickness and in health. That could mean a lot of different things. 

We just happen to have a spinal cord injury involved in our situation, which kind of keep those marriage vows in front of us and center in our thinking. Don't you think? This is what Johnny was asking can? Absolutely. It keeps us on our knees and oftentimes when it does, it keeps our focus on Jesus. And Ken says love must be sincere hate what is evil. Cling to what is good. be devoted to one another and brotherly love. Honor one another above yourself. No selfishness. Never be lacking in zeal by keep your spiritual fervor serving the Lord. And then Johnny be joyful and hope Ken, patient, affliction, and faithful in prayer? And in enclosing Ken that is such a good marriage verse for us because that part about honoring one another before ourselves, they do not have that selfish component you do that so well, Ken you take such good care of me and to me, it shows me that you are putting into practice that verse from Romans 12, honoring me above yourself, and you are never lacking in zeal when it comes to our marriage, you are always trying and always pursuing to make it better. And I respect you for that. And I say amen, and amen. What an example of unselfish, unconditional love in their couple. And her website is Johnny and friends, if you'd like to learn more about their ministry and their marriage.

Now, in many ways, our fundamental misunderstanding of love stems from having our emotional and relational progress blocked as adolescence, the resulting insecurity created a sense of desperation that drove us to the extremes of isolation, to avoid the risk of being hurt again, or enmeshment, which would be defined the closest that we crave. Now the breakthrough demands moving beyond anything that is keeping you in bondage. And the past keeps many people in prison. The journey to freedom begins by recognizing where you are, how you get there, redefining what love is and is not and then learning to love and exercise healthy limits. I want you to know that there is often a tendency to do these extremes, if there are issues. And there's another class of talks about attachment. That is what this is referring to attachment issues from the past. I remember thinking about a couple and the wife was extremely upset, because the man who had had quite a abusive father, but when the father would show attention to this man, it was usually over sporting events. So the dad would come to all of his games, or it might be working out in the garage, or they worked on cars together. Well, when this man got married, that's what he would want to do a lot. He certainly had that been modeled that marriage of his parents had not been that healthy. His father was not a emotionally expressive man. He always showed his attention to his son through those other avenues, or with anger. So this man in marriage was on numerous type of sporting teams, he played golf, he played basketball, he played a form of football. And then on the weekends, he'd want to be in the garage working on his cars. And then marriage started to really, really struggle, because that was how he found his identity. 

Now, as they came into therapy, and we started to talk about balance, we found out and I found out that this couple, when the wife in the past had tried to talk about finding time for them as a couple in more balance, he would get angry, and he would feel like she was controlling him. And she was parenting him, even if she tried to do it in a more calm, healthy way. And then when he got mad, he would do even more things, pornography. He had a couple of affairs on his wife. And he rationalized that in his mind was, I'm angry at her. I'm going to do what I want. Now, is that selfishness, very different than the story I just read with Johnny and Ken Tada. Well, we started to talk about this. And it was after months of therapy, where this couple started to see inside of each other's minds. The husband was able to see the fear, and aloneness and abandonment that the wife was feeling. And the wife started to understand how the husband and imprint and some of these issues based on a place inside of him where he felt self worth. There was a turning point in a session where the husband wanted to get involved in do some coaching for our local school. And of course an out would take them away more, another couple nights. And the wife, he was already doing some individual exercise times and doing other sporting games that he was involved with and still working in the garage. She actually said no, she would prefer that he didn't. Has she said that in our session. She just started to cry. He looked at her. And she said I am so afraid, even though you're asking me my thoughts on this because if I say no, or that I'm uncomfortable, and I'd like you to consider if you're going to do that I'm afraid you're going to go out again. And you could see him to kind of straightened up and I watched his jaw harden a bit. And then he leaned over and he put his arm around her. And he said honey, I want you to know I won't do that. And I won't take on this coaching position right now. And she said you mean you're not going to act out. No, I give you my word. I want you to feel safe, and that you can talk to me. When you have these concerns, it was amazing. Now there's unselfishness. And I think there was some boundary discussion there as well. But it took a while to get to that point. And we were now getting beyond the brink of divorce. Because if we aren't willing to look at our role in the situation, and to be heard, and to listen to our spouse, it will only feel like we're pointing fingers at each other continuously.

When breakdowns occur in a marriage, it's easy to blame the other person, it's his fault. She's the one who cheated. He spent all our hard earned savings, she stopped having sex with me, he is never around. She loves her career more than me, or he drinks too much. Guess what, your spouse is not your problem. Your husband is not your responsibility. Your wife is not your project to fix. God does not call you to point out and reconstruct your partner's character flaws. He does, however, call you to work on yourself. You see if there are issues that is going on like this. Sometimes, even if the man let's say is doing the avoidance. And I think the man I talked about earlier who had the sporting issues in the in the garage. But as the wife tried to continually fix it, he started to interpret that that was parenting him. It was when she could start to share from her true heart. What it made her feel like inside and the fear that it brought up, then it wasn't she's telling me I can't do this. It was listening to the fear in his wife's heart. That's when it became a place, that there was the ability to hear and to respond. That was when the man started to hear his role. And understanding there were things that he needed to do in a more balanced way for his marriage. Consider your internal struggles. Are you even aware of them? When was the last time you took your mind and attention off from your spouse and your rocky marriage and took a good, long, hard look at yourself? Do you struggle with unforgiveness, anger, mistrust, pride, identity yourself worth? Are you suspicious of people? Do you refuse to be vulnerable and constantly put up walls? Do struggle to stay faithful? We're gonna be talking about five keys that can be a way to lead to unlocking the doors of freedom for your marriage. 

Key number one, take ownership of your life and your actions through self examination. You must take responsibility for your own life, for your own actions for your own behavior. own up to these flaws. You don't need to air all your dirty laundry for everyone, of course, but you do need to be honest with God and allow him to show you the truth about the condition of your heart. You may have been sexually molested as a child, perhaps you're harboring unforgiveness, maybe you're holding on to a traumatic memory. All these things may lie at the root of the anger problem, out of control emotions, a desire to drink, overeat or compulsively shop, whatever you don't allow God to conquer within, you will continue to conquer you and definitely bring marriages often to the brink of divorce. King David was well aware of the need for self examination, he wrote, search me O God and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts and see if there be any hurtful way in me and lead me in the everlasting way. You know, when I was thinking about dealing with issues, if it brings to the brink of divorce, I had a couple and I would describe them in a situation that almost looked like there was no turning back. There were many things about the woman where I do not believe she was seeing what the core issues were and how it was impacting the marriage. She very much was resistant to to intimacy with her husband. She was very resistance to more regular hygiene. She didn't keep a clean house. She was haphazard with the interventions and follow through with the children. Now initially, I could very easily see symptoms of depression, especially when the activities of daily living were being affected. However, upon further and this is where intake is so important in a session and understanding very much the origin in the history for this marriage. Even if it's at the brink of divorce. She had had a very traumatic experience as a child and I happen numerous times with sexual abuse by a friend, father who lived in the neighborhood. When we got in touch with that there was a lot of anger and resentment, and then of course, self loathing that was totally spilling over into the marriage. 

She wanted to write a letter to this perpetrator, and I absolutely encouraged her to do so. And in the timeframe of her writing the letter she did some searching and you know, the internet, shifted to a Google search with someone's name is amazing what comes up, well she found out that this man was still alive. He was at a rehabilitation hospital, about an hour from her home. And the reason why is that he was now paralyzed. Evidently, because she did talk to some people who then had known this man, he had actually been drinking one night, dove into a pool in the backyard, wherever this party was, and there was no water, they were cleaning the pool, but in his drunken state, he still dove in and paralyzed himself, very similar to Johnny Erickson Tada, quadriplegic, all the way from the neck down. Now, my client when she heard that was almost vindicated, like vengeance is mine is the Lord God. However, there wasn't changing herself floating. And a lot of the issues that were happening within her marriage that was leading towards talk of divorce, then she asked me, would you be willing to go to this rehabilitation hospital with me, and I want to bring my letter to ask for a talk with this man. And I'm going to tell him that I forgiven him, I need to be released. Now that sorted my heart to pound, I'm like, I wonder if this will even be something that the person would accept. But we did. We drove to the hospital. We walked into the room where he was at, and he was sitting there in his wheelchair. He had a trake, couldn't really talk. When he saw my client tears immediately started to stream down his face. And I said to him, do you remember her? And he went (shrug)? And I said, Would you be willing to listen to something that she has written? And she went on, to talk about a couple of the situations, how much she had been hurt, how much it had been with disrespect, and even violence. And yet in all of the mists of that God had now called her to forgive him. And I looked at him and I said, do you remember this? And did you do these things? With more tears? 

Well, after she got done reading the letter, she was needing to leave the room. It was almost overwhelming. And I'm thinking, now again, this is not something that a psychology book, or a counseling part tells you what to do next. And I'm thinking, Well, what do I say now? And I said to him, do you realize the reason that she came today is because she has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. And I don't know where you stand. But if you are willing, I would be very honored to lead in a salvation prayer, because there's forgiveness as needed in your life as well. And again, he went like this (shrug). And as we began to pray, he closed his eyes. And we went through the salvation prayer, and he went like this. And it was amazing, when that was completed, and I did share with her is when I met her out to the car, and she sobbed again, because God was bringing a release. Now, they weren't going to see each other anymore. There was no need for further relationship. But there was places in that woman's heart that no longer held that shame, and that loathing. And immediately it started to make differences in her marriage, and in her ability to take care of herself. Now absolutely, the points can believe please stand and freeze that if you trust in God to heal you he will, no matter how scarred your heart is, he can restore what has been broken. Not only that, but he wants to, God desires you to be whole to be well and to be healed. You may be a Christian and still deny God access to every part of your being into the deep, where you heard the most, but don't miss out. Your heavenly Father wants the very best for you. He wants to give you an abundant life, a healed heart, a mind free of torment. He wants to make you well. He wants to make you whole. 

This is key two. He go with you to any place of the depth. Right now our small group of churches is partaking in a Bible study called alpha. And it's by Nicky Gumbel, he's an Anglican priest. And he tells about a man who was very much in evilness. And this man was in prison and had no chances of being restored. In his spirit. He had gotten involved in many, many things that were illegal. I would like to just share a little bit of about his story because this is before this man actually went into his marriage. But I want you to know that these are the kinds of stories that I hear in marriages that are on the brink of divorce, because there has been no healing. And it's like bringing a dead carcass into the relationship that is rotting and withering away. There needs to be restoration to clean the places of seminar life, to clean the places where there has been unwarranted things done that caused us to not be in God's will. From a young age. This man's name was Shane Taylor, he started to burgle houses and steal cars, he stabbed people and stole drugs. Soon he was on the run for kidnapping and attempted murder. He eventually got caught and was put into prison. But his incarceration did little dissent, his rebellion, his hatred of authority saw him stabbed to prison officers with a broken glass after he wasn't allowed to use the prison gym. He sparked a riot is out of control behavior quickly saw him transferred to a high security prison. Even then he needed further locking up and was placed within close supervision. Shane said they felt I was a danger to everyone. 

They had to feed me for a hatch in the door because they couldn't have physical contact with me. And he said, if I'm going to be bad, I'm going to be the best at being bad. Then she met Robert Ball, who had been in prison for murder as well, but has since become a Christian. He was saying a load of things that sounded mad to me. But the one thing that stuck in my mind was I've been in prison for 15 years and probably never getting out. But I'm free. I used to think this is what Shane said, what the world is he talking about we are in a prison. We're not free. Shane felt nervous to start writing to Robert and begin reading the Bible that was in his cell. He was then moved to another prison, where a minister invited him to this alpha course. He said the outcome they serve chocolate biscuits. So he went It was about halfway through alpha. That shame expressed the presence of God for the first time I said Jesus Christ. I know you died on the cross, please, I don't like who I am. Please forgive me. I started to feel the tears coming down from my eyes. I tried to hold back, but it rose up. And she said he had not cried and like five years. I cried for about five minutes. But in that moment, everything was so real. Jesus had touched me. And I knew I had changed. I no longer saw the prison guards, he said as enemies. And I did start to see my role. Again, looking at what he had done, the people that he had hurt the people that he had wronged and then he started to cry as well. Praying to be released, praying for forgiveness, praying release from his addictions. He said that night he went to bed and when he woke up in the morning, he went to light up a cigarette. And it was distasteful. It was immediately gone. He went to bed, an angry man with much deep ground and five to waking up to be free. He started going to church after his release, which we happened within that year. And seven months later, he met his future wife. The couple got married, and they've been married since October of 2008. And are now in full time ministry. Now why I shared that story is because if he had not done that work of healing, and the Lord took him in a place when he was still single, but when he was incarcerated, that would have come into his marriage. And I do believe that would have been marriage undone brink of divorce. But allowing God to come into the places where there can be incredible healing. 

How about key three, before a couple can move forward. Sin has to be addressed. To address the sin. Shane addressed that sin in prison and stamped a path forward restoration cannot be forged if one or both people are not ready and willing to stop the cycle of sin and participate in the process of restoration. Sometimes we think of sin as these big bad behaviors that are easily recognized, like theft, addiction or adultery. Yes, these are sins but what about the sin of selfishness pride, speaking harsh words, being disrespectful, making poor financial decisions, pushing your spouse away, chasing after self centered pursuits, those are all sins to. You know, if there are issues like that, I just want you to know that dealing with those and those are specific therapeutic sessions, to give coping strategies to give tools, I call them tools in the tool bag. I mean, it might be even looking at people that you are hanging around with as the husband or wife or as a couple, one of my couples, they were on the brink of divorce, and the man had went to a therapist, in his hometown and the surface was secular nature. Now we're a Christian therapist. And I know there are many therapists that conduct therapy and do not have a religious base, and they still have sound clinical skills. However, one of the therapeutic strategies of this therapist to the husband I was working with on the brink of divorce was, you know, I can tell that you never really emancipated you gotten married very young, and you deserve it now. No wonder you're so frustrated in your marriage. You need to emancipate. And if that means separating from your wife, or going out and doing some traveling and getting away, absolutely. Talk about playing into selfish needs. Because marriage is a covenant. When we get married, the emancipation is now translated into a covenant with your spouse, and with the Lord Jesus. And when that husband came to me, we had some pretty heated dialogues. Because certainly I had a different point of view. 

I wanted him to have some freedom, but with his wife, and if there wasn't the independence, it would still be an honor to that marriage. Eventually, that's where it led, but it was some very hard discussions. If you insist on seeing in your ways you will hinder God's healing power in your life. The cycle of sin does not stand a chance of being broken. If you don't remove yourself from the sin, or what led to it. revisit your priorities, evaluate where and with whom you spend your time, you may need to cut ties with the person with whom you used to drink, party or gossip, you may need to stop watching movies that trigger loss, you may need to shut down the internet or place filters because of temptations, you may need to stop going to happy hour with your coworkers, you may need to rethink your relationship with your friend was trying to convince you to leave your wife. Because remember, friends are not always the best counsel, they will not be able to have objectivity, and family as well. And often if they can see that you are in pain, they may say, sounds like you need a separation. Maybe you're going to be having to be thinking about divorce. That is not an option. When we are counselors and pastors in the pursuit of healing marriages, bad character will never act right the only cure for bad character. 

This is Key five. The previous was key four us to allow the Holy Spirit to transform you through his power under the character of Jesus Christ. You can strive to be good, moral and ethical, but you will ultimately fall short. God is the only one who can transform the human heart and recreate your character. Now, if you have been prompted by the Holy Spirit to embark on a journey, and commit to the five keys, there is very good prognosis that your marriage can be delivered from the brink of divorce. If this is not the case, this class is for you and your spouse. And I'm going to give you now just a few steps. These are a little bit more condensed because knowing that there is the brink of divorce, it is terrifying and many of my couples, especially if it is one in the relationship that doesn't want the divorce says please please give me something that I can do. Don't panic. Anxiety really helps us to think clearly. Often when feeling anxious, we react instead of respond thoughtfully. Our best decisions are craft arrest, Godly counsel and reflection. The wisest man on earth said when times are good, be happy. But when times are bad, considered God has made the one as well as the others. Do nothing to harm or injure your mate. Sometimes if we're really hurting, will want to lash back or want to be vindictive. While things don't look good, sometimes the best action is no action. Stop doing the things that aggravate the situation. cancel the appointment with the attorney. Don't do anything that places you in an adversarial role with your mate stop doing those things you know irritates your mate. stabbing, the hemorrhage may save many lives, making the decision to do no harm. It could be as little as your maid has asked you to put the milk back in the refrigerator. And I'll have the other mate say, you know, it's such a little thing, and they just get in sense over it. It's because many little things lead to these boulders and they might start out as pebbles. 

Go ahead and put the milk away. And let your mate see that you are trying to help not aggravate the situation anymore. And of course, it could be bigger things. It could be, let's not be doing so much spending. And so there could be at the end of the week, some accountability to show how much is still in the checkbook and no extra spending was done. I'm not saying that the spouse will immediately say, oh, good job, thank you. Because sometimes when they are so shut down and wanting a divorce, they won't let on that it's made an impact. Please keep on doing things that shows them your very sincere. Listen to your mate is unlikely that your mate came to this decision easily. What is your mate been trying to get across to you? What changes in your mate? Is your mate desperate for? Seek opportunities to listen to your mate even if this is not a formal conversation? There are subtle ways that your mate may make messages known. Listen carefully. Make a list of those things that your mate needs in order to set out to make the necessary changes. And please no rebuttal. It is so easy that if there has been an issue, one of my marriages, it was a second marriage. And the children the stepchildren were treated differently by the wife, husband who was their stepfather. He would certainly have interactions with them but sometimes get very angry with them and different than the biological children. The wife tried to talk to him about this several times. And his answers were usually rebuttals such as why put a roof over their head. They've got a bed to sleep in. There's food on the table. I just bought. You know what it was the oldest stepson I just bought a car for him. The wife was talking about the connection in a relationship between this man and her husband and her sons. And this man then being their stepfather. But he always was using rebuttal. She was finally done. She didn't want to live like that anymore. She went in contact attorney file for divorce. She actually gave permission to come to a couple of sessions. And I literally, I had to do a couple of hand maneuvers that he gave me permission to do. 

Because if he went into rebuttal, I don't even think he realized he was because he was quite a talker. I would do this or stop or remember God loves you love your wife. And then he would have to listen. This was not a skill he was used to. But when his wife saw that he listened actually it led to more sessions for their marriage. And it led to sessions with this man in his stepsons. It was amazing. Meet your mate it their point of need. Consider what your mate needs. Some of the requests may be clearly spoken such as the need for space. Some of the needs may be unspoken, and you'll need to figure those out for yourself. Perhaps there's a need for respect. Perhaps there's a need to be valued and treasured, give this need, even if it is in the midst of being separated. I know this is so difficult because when there's a separation, it's the last thing you want to do is try to show respect or love. Often there's just so much hurt. So I'll help as a therapist, the pastor can help. How can there still be a connection and reaching out in ways to that spouse who has left and maybe even living somewhere else? God will help become the best version of yourself that you can be. This tragedy is an opportunity for you to remember why your wife or husband fell in love with you. What are the characteristics that made you irresistible 20 years ago, reflect and resurrect those old qualities. It's time to again become daring, adventurous, some caring and charming. These qualities one the heart of your spouse wants before they may do so again. It could be little cards. It could be bringing a surprise candy bar. It could be watching a hallmark movie with your wife. Wife, it may be watching Monday Night Football. Because those are things as years go on. We take it for granted. Look for becoming that best version again. 

Number six How about being patient. Even though you may be separate in fear you will never get a chance to prove you are different. That is not true. You will have ample opportunities perhaps in small ways to show your spouse you are dedicated to change. Letting your spouse know you will wait and are dedicated to a change process can be powerfully attracting. Show your spouse over time that you are committed to change. You know I often have to say, please, the patience means you will not necessarily see the fruits of your labor. The seeds were planted right away when the other spouse is shown. So shut down. The last thing they want you to see, as you might be making some inroads. I had a couple and they actually went into a separation of three years. And basically, it was on some unresolved issues more from the woman, the husband continued to show her as best as he could his commitment in that marriage. Eventually she moved out, they had a minor child together, she pretty much started to live with a single woman. She had a couple of relationships, he was partying, he did not. She would see the husband when they would come to have exchange time for visitation with their minor child. And it was about three years into this separation, neither want to file for divorce. She came to him one day and was a bit upset over a relationship and she had been treated unfairly. And he looked at her and he said, you know, the whole three years that we've been separated, I have been faithful to you. There has been no other woman. And I continue to hold out hope and believe in God's power for restoration. That spoke to her that this there was a man that in the face of everything that she was doing, still could unconditionally, have love for her and stay in purity. That was the turning point. It took three years. And the last step is commit yourself to prayer. I probably should make this all seven steps. Psalm 127:1, unless the Lord builds the house is builders, labor in vain. God wants to restore this marriage even in the brink of divorce. Thank you for being a part of this first class in this presentation about undone marriage on the brink of divorce.