Transcript: The Heart of Remarriage Part 1

Video Transcript: The Heart of Remarriage Part 01

Welcome to the class on the heart of remarriage with a bonus of children. I've been finding in my practice that I'm often having more and more issues concerning re marriages. And I definitely want to be in a place to offer counseling even though this is definitely not God's perfect plan. Let's look a minute at Malachi two 13 through 16. It gives us a clear look into God's heart for marriage. Another thing you do you flood the Lord's altar with tears. you weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask why? It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant has not the Lord made them one in flesh and spirit they are his and why one because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith with a wife of your youth. I hate divorce as the Lord God of Israel. That's pretty clear and plain. And yet in our culture, there is a ton of divorces and remarriages. The Bible also says that God despises lies, disobedient, stealing, coveting and rebellion, divorces sin. When divorce people often face judgment from their fellow Christians. When pastors don't have the right words to minister to to wounded people now coming together and remarriage, hearts that need to heal can become very harden. And I had a wonderful statement here and I wanted to include that in the class. It definitely gives words to my heart in divorce and remarriage or redemptive theology. Author Rubel Shaly puts it this way. Divorce is offensive to God yet pardonable like any other sin, in many cases, divorces, indefensible, bringing serious consequences to adults and children it should not be taken lightly. Yet to deny someone full forgiveness and the right to live life to the fullest in Christ Jesus, denies the healing power of the cross. God brings light out of darkness, his redemptive work in the lives of imperfect people, restores the hearts of men and women and turns them back toward him. His grace forgives and transforms. Let's give a little bit of some statistics here. 

The National Center for Health Statistics provides data pertaining to marriage and divorce. The marriage ratio is 6.8 per 1000 total population the divorce ratio is 3.6 per 1000 total population. This is almost half this came around 2011. These statistics were from also about 75% of divorce persons we married. 43% of all marriages are re marriages for at least one adult. 65% of marriages involve children from a prior marriage. These are estimates again, but still quite significant. Most couples are aware that remarriage will introduce challenges that they were not present and having in their first marriage. Even if they were not clear on what the biggest difficulties were. Remarried couples often feel reluctant insecure, remarried couples can feel inadequate and fear failing in another marriage. Remarried couples are often still dealing with strong emotions like resentment, jealousy and rejection. I was dealing with a couple of remarried situation. And this man had went through a bitter, bitter, bitter divorce. And you're going to hear a little bit later, he was remarried to his current wife within a year. And in that bitter divorce, there was finances that were involved. There was property that was involved. There was accusations and his name was pretty much smeared in the community. And he had a ton of resentment. And even as a Christian, and I know he was able to verbalize that this was not good, but it still harbored in his heart. There started to be issues in the current marriage that became with much resentment. And it wasn't even necessarily anything that was similar. But there was already so much resentment in this man's heart that it spilled over into the new marriage and brought this couple into counseling. And it was not a good situation. This marriage ended up not making it the second marriage because of those issues. And it was extremely sad to see that take place. As both of the people in this relationship had been previously married with a divorce. 

Society has a negative perception of marriage newly formed families may feel inferior and often hide from the world. There are many loyalty conflicts and roles in marriage with a remarriage can be very confusing. However, I don't think I could do this work. And not try to have some hope for my folks that want to have forgiveness from God for their marriage that went down and had a divorce, and are now in a place of remarriage. Here are some of the benefits I'm going to try and talk about this and I would try to instill, second marriages can be more fulfilling than first ones because individuals have the ability to learn from their past mistakes, they are older, they're more experienced and better prepared. They don't want to fail again. So they try harder. And they are not as idealistic and unrealistic about what to expect. This was a case in point I had a second marriage. Actually, it was a first marriage for the woman in a second marriage for the man. And the man is the one who had the children. She was a very hopeful first marriage gal, and wanted always to have open communication and good discussion and conflict resolution. And this was a man that had much avoidance. Some of it was from the hurt of his first marriage, and some was just some of his interactional style. 

He came to a session and it was an emergency session. And I worked him in, they had had quite an argument over some issues within their home, involve the children and some finances, and he told her he was out of there, he wasn't going to talk anymore. And he came into my office just broken and tears were streaming down his face, because he said, I know she wants to talk. And this is what I normally do. This is what I did in my first marriage too. I would take off, I wouldn't want to deal with it. And I certainly didn't learn to deal with conflict in a healthy way. And that was the bulk of the session. And we were able to work the new wife into the session the next day. And it was amazing. As he started to come full circle with the things that he needed to do and not fall into those past mistakes, and their marriages doing much better. Partners in remarriage often appreciate each other more because they know what it has been like to be betrayed or bear fed. They know how hard it is to get alone after being married and are grateful for the new committed relationship that they've created. Remarried couples can let go of guilt fears and stress associated with raising children and single parent home. A healthy remarriage can fulfill the deep emotional needs of children and adults. These needs include nurturing one another by providing safe refuge, comfort, encouragement, companionship, loving confrontation, affirmation, stimulation, affection, a sense of belonging, acceptance, laughter and unconditional love. I have a really nice example about this one. 

Again, it was a blended family. And the biological mother and stepfather had quite a bit more to do with the children, as the biological father of the children moved out of state after this particular divorce. And there became a medical concern that needed surgery. And it was quite serious for the biological mother's daughter, there was two daughters and a son. And the biological father was going to fly in for the surgery. But he wasn't around in preparation for some of the needs and the conversations leading up to the surgery. The night before the surgery, this daughter lived with a biological mother and a stepdad. And she was trying to have a tough upper lip, but it was going to be very scary. It was a very serious surgery. And without saying a lot of words, the mother went downstairs to be with the daughter the night before the surgery and notice some tears. And the daughter started to talk about her animal which was a beloved dog that she had. And she started to say things like, I don't know if I'm ever going to see Tozer again, that's all the mother needed to hear. She could hardly stay centered and started to sob. Because she was thinking the same thing of course. She went upstairs to where the stepfather was that and she talked to the stepfather she said do you think you could go down and talk with the daughter and the stepfather did. He was able to stay calm. He was able to stay supportive. He ended up praying for the step daughter, his stepdaughter, the mother's biological daughter, and brought a wonderful bridge into that time of medical surgery. That was amazing. And it was because of the remarriage. Remarriage provides a couple of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual intimacy and outlet if the first marriage was riddled with conflict and a healthy remarriage can help build new bridges of trust.

Remarriage give single parents someone to share the workload, the new spouse also can serve as a sounding board. And remarriage creates a foundation for new friendships and ministry opportunities. I have a couple that works in parachurch ministries, and they are both remarried. And in their first marriages, that was not a part of what they did at all. It's almost as if the Lord is using them in new ways in terms of direct ministry, and they actually work a lot with other folks that are in blended families in remarriages. So it's a wonderful ministry opportunity, I have seen that. But I have a determined tenacity to pray and fight for a couple who is now remarried are going to be remarried. This marriage also deserves hope even though the statistics can be very formidable. God is a God of grace and redemption. And this crease the base of the belief that I communicate to my couples embarking on a marriage or that are already in remarriage and speaking every marriage or is often the presence of the blending of family that ing is the most important part to emphasize. The couple needs to learn to find hope in the ing because it is ongoing change, ongoing grace and ongoing movement toward the desired end. There may always be emotional hotspots and indescribable times of awkwardness, but most intact families have moments like these two. The key to having hope is viewing things through a different lens. You know, I love to give more like an acronym. How about the Bible says hope deferred makes the heart sick? Let's not have HOPE deferred. I'll tell my blended families or remarriages. H is for Heavenly, O is for Outlet, P is for Produces, and E is for Endurance. They will run the long race. It is often more difficult, but it is still a race and to have heavenly outlook produces that type of endurance. How about a recipe for a perfectly blended family combined two families and traditions and fall in love. 

Stir in a heaping measure of crazy schedules and feelings in strain. Chill with patience and respect makes an honest communication pour on fun and new experiences whipped together until his and hers become ours. And they yield one new strong blended family and then the name of the family that you are working with could be added. How about Romans 8:35 and 37 who shall separate us from the love of Christ shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No. And all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. You see most people do not grow up with a wish to be married, more than once the typical dream. Almost like the fairy tale is to meet the right person fall in love build a life together and live happily ever after. But for many the dream of happily ever after was cut short by death or divorce. Thus began a journey of starting over. Remarriage is foundationally different than a first marriage because it is the coming together of two people who have suffered loss and hurt in a previous relationship. We walk down the aisle with babies and no one can see emotional wounds and hurts in the past as threatened to prevents us from truly experiencing love again, walls of protection that we previously built to withstand the pain of loss, can now keep a cell focused and unable to fully yield ourselves to someone else. I had another case in point and this one was absolutely amazing. It was a woman who had been single for about four years from her marriage in the marriage with the first husband it had been for like 20 years this woman had been dating and with some godly direction and had not been able to come to a point that she was able to make that commitment with any of the couple of the gentlemen that she had dated for a longer period of time, and truly had felt that there would come a time that she would be able to remarry. So she went at a time of deep, deep prayer and fasting. She knew that some of the walls that she had built to even think about remarriage were because of the hurt from the past. When she went into some deep prayer. She came to me in a session It was a few days after this. She had seen a vision in her mind. And she had been about 21 when she had gotten married the first time and now she was in her early 40s. And in the vision she saw it was like a beach. And up in the beach there were some tufts of stones and some grass. And she saw a vision of herself come from behind one of the dune areas walking up to her here in her mind. 

She's in her 40s this vision looked to be about 21 that was the exact age when she had married her first husband. And as she's watching this vision through a time of prayer with the Lord, she is sobbing, absolutely sobbing. And as she was sobbing, she said she opened her arms and allowed to have some contact with these deeper emotions. And it was almost as if she was holding on to some grief at a level that she had dismissed or kept way back almost with repression of emotion. And it was like as she started to think about these emotions, she could hear words in her mind. Such as where is in it was the name of the husband like there had been a part of her mind that had been walled off. And that's what trauma can do, and trauma, this was indeed for this woman. She went into a time of deep prayer, and of working with these deeper emotions in bracing this vision of herself at that age of 21 with her first marriage, and having again to deal with the loss, which was almost insurmountable because she had believed she would be married to that first husband for the rest of her life. But after she did that work, it was only about a year later that she met a very godly man, and she was able with counseling and working on the relationship goal to the full ability of remarriage. How about the ghost of marriage pass, this may be a blog towards the ability to yield and fully give oneself over to this mouse and remarriage. Various views are held in terms of the timing of being ready for another marriage relationship. And my particular practice, I communicate that usually for every five years of marriage, a year of healing is needed. I also communicate that a couple should experience a full year of dating, going through the seasons before deeper commitment is explored that may lead to marriage. 

Recently, one of my female clients who was a mother to a couple going through a divorce, the man left his family, and it was about two months ago for a woman in his work situation. And they are now talking about getting married. And his estranged wife, after he moved out found a previous lover slash relationship on Facebook. And they've gotten together in the last month and now are planning on getting remarried. Now I'm not working with this couple, or their intended new, fiance's however, I could almost guarantee that there's going to be problems, if these folks get married in that short amount of time. It is human nature to view new relationships in light of previous ones. This can lead to negative assumptions and expectations. It's like putting on sunglasses that are tinted yellow or black. Everything you see has a yellow or black cue. All too often, however, people rebound from one field marriage into another marriage and take their tinted glasses with them. When circumstances in the new marriage remind someone of negative events in a previous marriage, the person becomes frightened and reactive. This is an example of the ghost of marriage past. That's it is very difficult and critical that divorce persons take time to resolve the ending of their marriage. Before jumping into another relationship. There was a couple and this man's marriage had went down because there was a quite a great financial indecency that had happened and funds from their retirement were taken. And there were things done that were almost with desolation for their financial security by the first wife. Well, he did take all the necessary time and he had good Christian counseling got remarried. However, the very first time that finances became an issue in the new marriage, this new wife saw a side of this husband that she had never seen before. And that's an example. In counseling, it became the ghost of the marriage pass and these things had to be dealt with. Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are worse in the hall has a hidden gift attached. It's the old adage, Jay, that every cloud has a silver lining, and the scripture that states that all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose, and that is true. For example, a divorce or the death of a loved one can make a person's stronger, courageous, more loving humbler, more mature, compassionate, thoughtful, gentle, careful, kinder patient. In fact, the things you like most about yourself probably developed as a direct result of trials. And I know none of us like trials, but they definitely can bring such stronger character. 

How can you tell if you're ready to remarry? Well, you may be ready for remarriage. If you and your potential spouse love God first and fully. You were actively involved in the local church, you are in fellowship with other believers, and you are spending time with the Lord daily. You have allowed God the time it takes to transform your heart and therefore your thoughts, actions and words. He has changed your burden beliefs from the past and goes to the marriage paths are no longer ghost. You may be ready to remarry. If you would be perfectly fine remaining single, you aren't ready to be together in marriage until you are completely fulfilled alone. That is huge. Many folks do not wait for that to happen. Just you and God. remarried should complement your full satisfying joy filled life. You should not be dependent on finding the right one to be happy. You may be ready to marry if at least two years have passed since the end of your previous marriage. This is the basic minimum amount. As again, I encourage a year of singleness for every five years of marriage. There are really no shortcuts and healing time, you may be ready to remarry if your Christian friends and family are in agreement. If the people who love and know you best and who are also in right relationship with God's see healthy growth and healing in you, and have ready to embrace the person you want to marry, that can be a sign that you're on the right track. If one or more people who have loved you for years and whose advice has been previously trusted, tell you to hold up consider that a huge red stop sign. Please discuss further. You may be ready for marriage or if your kids are in agreement if your children are old enough to grasp some of the magnitude of what will happen in their lives. If you remarry, and they are okay with it, that can be a sign that you are ready to remarry, it will still be a challenge because there will always be issues. None off you considered, but it will certainly help if your kids are not adamantly opposed to the idea. This was amazingly clear to me, it was about a year ago. And I was working with a couple that had wanted to do some premarital counseling and an actually sent counseling even after the premarital, they had children between them. But the wife, children were having much more of a struggle. The husband children were predominately with the wife of his biological children. 

They came to me wanting to show me some pictures of their engagement. And the first thing that I noticed they had gotten engaged at Christmas time. And the woman didn't know that he was going to propose to her and this again would be their second marriage. And he did it during Christmas when the woman's children were around. And they were opening presents. And then he brought out it was this beautiful ornate jewelry box. And there were some pictures and there was some poems and it took a while because the box had all these contraptions to get open. And as the woman's, I was watching this video was like live was getting through each one. And of course, in the end, it would be where the ring was that I could see in the background. There was this young teenager boy and he kept on putting his head down and just shaking his head and then he'd put his arms over his forehead. And he it looked like he actually was having some tears. And I said something to her. I said who is that she's so that's my teenage son. I said, Well, what is he doing? Well, he was upset about the engagement, and she just dismissed it. Well, that ended up being a conversation that we did take much more seriously because I was considered to be quite a support system. And it actually postponed a wedding for much longer than what they had hoped. But I said they needed to make sure that the issues with the children were actively understood, and there was some agreement and support there, which we eventually did reach. You may be ready for remarriage if you have prepared for it like you would study for your college finals. Before remarriage the two of you should soak up as much wisdom as you can by talking to others who have remarried, reading great books, taking parenting classes, going to workshops and seminars, worshiping in church together developing a prayer life together and getting wise counsel. The benefits of a healthy marriage are worth much more. Know each other's love language, be well versed on the issues of love and respect, and discuss everything you can think about from holidays, to finances, to sex, to discipline. And you may be ready to remarry if you are not blaming God for taking your spouse, or if you have forgiven yourself and your former partner and if establish healthy boundaries with your former partner. If the thought voice or sight of your former spouse still makes you burn with rage, or candle the pain of logging you have heart work to do before you should remarry. 

Memories of your former marriage should seem almost like a movie of someone else's life. With little emotion attached. You also have to have proper boundaries around your relationship with your former partner before remarriage, and again a case in point, a couple I was working with and I could sense the man had a lot of anger and resentment towards his ex. And there was a particular, I guess it would be considered an asset but it was quite an expensive outdoor furniture on Sambo. And he had gotten home one day during their separation and everything was gone. And in all of the planters and that outdoor and Sambo and everything, and he was furious and never was able to get it back even with some court pursuit. And interestingly, as we did some work about that because of the resentment. His new wife looked at him and this was in one of our sessions and she said you know what? The way that our backyard is set up and the way that our porch area is, we wouldn't even want to use that outdoor ensemble. And once she said that it was like he was free. He no longer continued to make that such a place inside where there was resentment and I watched him little by little then with God's help in his patient wife, let go of that resentment and find more healing for his current remarriage. Thank you