Transcript: The Heart of Remarriage part 2

Video Transcript: The Heart of Remarriage Part 02

This is the second class on the heart of remarriage with the bonus of children. And this is going to be highlighting finances sex and children delight or destruction. I know when remarriages that there definitely is the want for God to fully bless sexual union or a marriage, free from guilt or recrimination because remarital sex can also be accompanied. And we talked about this in the first class that ghosts of marriages pass in order to cast these ghosts outside of your bedroom for good is important to have some tips to not get caught in the past. Don't make comparisons in your mind or out loud. Why can't you touch me the way John did that isn't going to breed confidence in your new partner keep your comparisons to yourself, nor should you linger on comparisons in your own mind. Doing so keeps you looking back, instead of connecting to the moment at hand. You know, there is actually a soul tie prayer that is written by Neil Anderson and he is the author of victory over darkness and breaking the bondage. I would recommend that prayer and this is when there has been a very unhealthy soul tie. This is where sexual issues within a marriage were very abusive. And I will often use that to help folks clear and let the Lord Jesus enter into this area of their life when they're in remarriage. Also, stay open to new preferences. Your new spouse's sexual preferences may vary from the previous marriage. Don't think that what works with your former spouse will work again. Listen to verbal and nonverbal messages telling you your spouse's preferences. Calm your insecurities. If you were sexually rejected or traumatized in the past, be careful not to let your insecurities or anxiety run ahead of you. Give yourself time to develop a couple grove. learning to read each other when to respond with a specific touch or what your couple sexual style is will take time. Learn as you go. Share what you learn. confront your sexual goals, don't be quick to make negative assumptions and your partner's motivations or behavior. When fearful try to take some small risks to increase your willingness to trust. Don't ignore sexual problems and don't overreact to struggle for couples to have a sexual complaint of some kind. Don't panic, if you encounter difficulty, talk it through. And if necessary, find a counselor to refer to and that would be some of the words that I bring to my folks. 

I was thinking about a couple I was working with. And this woman, her husband had been unfaithful. And it started with some cell phone issues where she found some text and then she went to her phone company and found a number of calls to not healthy extensions, and on and on, and that led to an uncovering of quite a sordid connection with unhealthy sexual issues and addiction for this husband. Unfortunately, this happened before I ever had met this couple and there was a divorce. Well, I met this woman's new husband and they had been remarried and there was blended family. And there were so many issues that came up in our therapy about his cell phone. And there never was any wrongful text. And there never was any issues that were ever necessarily found. Sometimes it would be as simple as he would leave his phone in the car, she would think she was hide he was hiding something, or he would turn his phone off at night. And she would say you're turning it off. Because you don't want me to see something or if she couldn't reach him, she would automatically assume that something was going on. And this was because she was very reactive to something that had been very fearful in her past. That took a lot of counseling, and talking and reassurance to gain trust in her new marriage. It is very important to have common values about the spending the saving of money. This can be a strong factor and what unites or divides a couple. This is more complicated and remarriage as finance with history with assets and debts is something brought into the marriage separately. In her book Money Advice for your successful remarriage. Patricia Schiff reviews five stages of trust, first identified by Nita and Edward Metsa. Let's look at those the rose colored glasses stage and those romantic first moments Money Talks seems crass or unimportant because the strength of love will handle everything that's a little naive, and there will be no money complex and that's a little ignorance that don't rock the boat stage feelings of resentment or anger surface frequently such tosses. Why should I resent his paying alimony? I knew about it before we got married. So that's not going to bother me. Or I can't stand her cheapness when it comes to gift giving. I like to give the best but the never really dealing with it. There. This is not voice for fear that any stress would put too much pressure on a fragile reunion.

Those are absolutely issues that should be talked about. The lay down the table stage, couples painfully express their concerns to each other feeling it's okay to be honest, to argue about spending priorities and to speak candidly about their feelings, frustrations and fears surrounding finances, a foundation of trust is being laid, I'll be at roughly, how about the game that together stays a couple has arrived and mutually agreed upon lifestyle, and is establish an effective method of handling finances and making financial decisions. This is not necessarily mean that they've commingled funds just that they have agreed and contributions, both monetary contributions and contributions of time, and that they have a system in place for managing both jointly owned and separately own property. I had a couple that came into their marriage. And they were in their middle age years, and both had quite a bit of assets that were separate. And they decided they would keep things separate. And even had separate bank accounts for a time being and this was working with a financial advisor. However, with the counseling, I was hoping that there could be something I sought said to them. I'm not a financial counselor. But if there could be something that you would be willing to co mingle a little bit and just see how it goes. Well, they decided that they would jointly pay the utilities together and jointly pay the mortgage together. So they set up a separate bank account. And they were going to put a certain amount each month into that account to cover utilities and to cover the mortgage. Well, he was excellent about doing this, but she was not. And all my goodness to test her to bring up issues. I think it was partly because she'd still did not trust. And she was willing to even go down to the bank and pay her half, she did not want to put it into an account where he had access to. And there was much tension. That couple ended up stopping therapy. And I didn't see them again, it was about five years later, they came back into therapy. And unbeknownst to me, they had achieved the stability stage. The couple really feels in control of finances. And despite the ultimate instability of anyone's financial position, they now feel comfortable adjusting their goals or spending patterns of circumstances require. And they were not in instability. But neither one of them were open in the beginning stages of their marriage. And she was probably even less as they did some work with their pastor and actually had more time in their marriage. Their perspectives were integrated, and they started to be able to have more joint finances and actually joint accounts. 

Here's a picture because I want to get into now a little bit more about blended families and children. And I thought we'd all remember The Brady Bunch, a hallmark of step families in blended union. How about you are the step family if the dynamics fall into one of these formations. This is the definitions. Both the husband and wife have divorced histories at least one has young children to nurture. Most often both have children in the formative years, or one spouse has been divorced and has children and the other spouse has not previously been married. Or there's a previously divorced husband or wife with children hasn't married partner who has lost a maid to death and is still rearing children. Perhaps it's a divorced parent who is co parenting with an ex spouse. This single parent and his or her children are dealing with the remarriage of the ex spouse. Or you have grown children from an adult child who was divorced, remarried and whose ex spouse is remarried. However, this picture where is the synchronicity and where is not the synchronicity? I don't think the children are looking very supportive. But we have a new marriage on that bench and there's the husband and wife. What do people that are in remarried does have in common they have a child to care for. Are remarriage of people who had previously raised her children with another spouse obligations involving money, another family who has significance in decisions and plans and the challenge of loving other people's children. And then there's a balancing act of tug of war. A parent cannot be expected to quit caring for a child just because of remarriage. I need to learn to live by new rules much like people living in a new country the old way will not work in this new family. Living with new hope. There is a God who can help us we just need to make him the centerpiece of the journey. I wanted to talk a little bit about some step family miss. Love occurs instantly between the child and the step parent. If we ponder on this, we recognize that establishing relationships takes time that it does not happen overnight or by magic.

I have a relative, it was a newer remarriage on my caseload. And actually the biological mothers, daughters were adults and her new husband. So this would be the daughter step parent and very much one have a relationship with the daughters. They ended up telling me about an excursion where they had went to a park, and they had taken their bikes, and they went for a nice bike ride. And during the bike ride time, they found that there was some extra conversation that was taking place. And this was with one of the daughters in the new stepdad. However, when the stepdad came to session, he was very disillusioned. And he felt like the relationship was not going well. And he had lost a lot of hope that there was going to be a relationship for him and the stepdaughter. And I said, Well, how long was the conversation? He said, about 30 minutes. And I said, well, how many times have you met her? He said, This is my second time. I looked at him and I said, Please give this more time. This could take anywhere, this could take a year, some statistics, they could take up to four years. So that was helpful because he definitely did not have the timing perspective. Who want to step here and is so much more than just a parent. They have made the choice to love and they didn't even have to. How about the myth of stepmothers are wicked this myth is based on fairy stories that we all hear as children. Research tells us that step mothers have the most difficult role in the family. Actually, there have been some longitudinal studies, a step family life by psychologist James Bray and Mavis Hetherington and sociologists Constant Errands. It shows that kids of all ages resent gain a stepmother more than gain a stepfather and that they resent her for longer, and Hetherington study, less than 20% of adult stepchildren said they felt close to their stepmothers. And while more than half of adults stepkids told Aaron they were happy about mommy married, less than 30% were happy that daddy had. You know, I wanted to give a little bit of a buffer to this. 

I was doing some research and I found a blog. And it comes from birth without fear blog.com and this is a story about the day I became mom and I thought this was a wonderful example of being a stepmother. Rick and I moved in together about a year and a half. And we were going to be married. And with getting married. And believe me I didn't like that part. But I did like how she was preparing to get to know this stepson. They were married in September of 2008. So this is a while back. When we began dating, he asked if I was okay with waiting to meet his son. Of course I was I understood. I was only 18 he was 27 I wanted to make sure that this was going to last before we included anyone else especially his child. He was being a good father by making sure I was gonna stick around before he brought his child into the picture. This made me love him almost instantly. What woman wouldn't swoon over the idea of a man being a great father. The day I finally meet Ricky with a Super Bowl Sunday 2003 and a month after Rick and I decided to be exclusive. He was seven years old. He had the best manners. He even called me ma'am. He also met my parents, brother and sister that day too. In preparation for our meeting, I went to Target and I bought a big Tupperware container bubbles, crayons, coloring books and outside balls and paints. I decorated the box with his name. When he came inside. I showed him the box and let him know it was his. And it was here for him. Whenever he came to hang at my house. He was so excited that I have thought of him. Later on the afternoon. He seemed a little bored. He was watching football. So we went for a walk around the block. We brought the bubble so we could blow them as he walked. We talked about random things at first. And then he said, Can you promise not to fight with my dad in front of me? I hate when my parents fight. It makes me so nervous. I almost started crying. How could a child so innocent and sweet even understand all that has happened in his life, so far? I stopped blowing the bubbles. I turned to look at him and I promised him wholeheartedly that I would never fight with his dad in front of him. His response was great. I really liked you. And I said to him, I really like you to Ricky. I called him my son because that is what I feel he is he is my son. I may not have carried him in my womb because then you but five years later they did get married. I may not have birthed him but he is mine.

Having a child does not necessarily make you a parent raising one does. I've raised him. I've gone to parent teacher conferences. I've been up with him in the middle of the night while he was sick. I've wiped tears and I've kissed boo boos. I've assisted in helping him navigate teenage hood and brought him into adulthood. I've watched him grow from a young boy into a handsome respectful man. And that is from a stepmother. How about Myth number three adjustment to step family life occurs quickly because deaf families are such complicated families, the time it takes for people to get to know each other to create positive relationships and develop some family histories is significant, usually at least four years. And that cannot be shortened. That is very, very important. Part time families are easier but relationships take time. Step families where the children only visit occasionally are hampered by the lack of time to work on relationships. And that's another issue. Please don't think that this is going to go fast because it doesn't. And it is very important to make sure that you give it the time that it needs. Now I do need to speak about core parenting in the midst of divorce because that's often the case and it needs to be there and be present. There are three concepts that should be in place in terms of managing and guarding the emotions of the children, parents are able to bring their marital relationship to an end without excessive conflict and that would be a very good scenario. Children are not put into the middle of whatever conflict exists. And there is a commitment from parents to cooperate on issues of the children's material, physical, educational, emotional and spiritual welfare. You will never lose your children's affection let is very very sick and nearly impossible to erase. Your children were not forget about you just because they have a new rich, enter entertaining step parent your parent, you would have to intentionally be a royal never nice person before your children will consider leaving you behind. Never make your children regret having affections for the other home. 

Remember that they have citizenship their, enforcement loyalty battle only destroys them, children needs your permission to love their biological parent, your divorced spouse and they need to see your psychological stability as they do so, your permission to do so takes them out of the emotional tug of war and relieves the pressure and take care of you. They also need your acceptance of the relationship that they carve out with their step parents, the more comfortable you are with a children's relationship and the other home, the more likely it is that they will honor you and your new spouse. Relax and let your children open the circle of insiders to include your new spouse. And if you have children who are protecting an under functioning parent. Do not try to force them away from the other parent. While your desire to remove your child's need or to rescue is valid coaching your child away from the other parent feels to the child like betrayal, express concern, and gently help them to decide what their boundaries with the other step parents should be working with a family in the past it was a blended family. They had two biological children themselves. And then the mother and the father had two biological children from previous relationships. And it was a boy for the father and a girl for the mother, the boy who lived with a biological mother and I can see that my couple were very concerned because this mother was very needy. 

However, they continue to be supportive of that and they had time to spend with that son whenever they could. And he did turn out to be quite a caretaker. And there were probably aspects of it that weren't as healthy. But definitely he had quite a concern for people. Because he had been such a strong influence for his biological mother. I did get to spend some sessions even with this son and talked about how to become healthy himself. And when support for people now that he was looking more at a marriage himself could be helpful, and when it could be more codependent and that ended up being some extremely healthy conversations for his marriage. For an in depth look at this subject, please refer to Dr. Dan Partridge book loving your step family. He is an expert in this field and has much to say about nuclear biological bonding and loving your step family. He says when a child is born, a powerful lifetime biological bond is formed between the child and parents. Parents may establish close loving relationships with other children. But those relationships do not compare with a connection parents have with their own children. The bond between parents and children in the bond between married couples are considered to be identical. The Bible makes no distinction between the two. The one flesh bond between couples is considered by the Bible to be the same as the one flesh bond between parent and child.

Children have a god given bond with their biological parents, a child's bond to the parent should not be forced to change because of divorce. The child did not ask for and the child would be in danger. If the child was not protected from this. Children are to be disciplined to us also by the person they are biologically bonded to. Now that doesn't mean that the step parent can be a part of this. I had one couple that were quite adapt at this. There was a teenage boy and the mother was the biological mother and oh my goodness, could he go through cars and her new husband the stepfather had quite finess for cars. When this teenager was not telling the truth, oh, no mom, I didn't have the car out there and they'd find broken parts on the car at one time, they found some fur that was in the car because evidently, this boy had headed out in the two tracks and caused some damage. However, how they handled it is the mother would talk to the stepfather later, he would give her some ideas, they would be in agreement, how these issues need to be handled, and that's how it went down. So the new marriage, the mother and stepdad stayed very connected, and yet there was still some consequences and ownership for the son as well. Children need time and attention from the person they are bonded to so the relationship can continue to grow, and the child's loss can be minimized. Adults divorce adults, but they do not divorce children. The bond is not to be broken. Step parents must learn to respect and honor the bond that their new spouse has with his or her biological children, allowing the relationship to continue to develop and thrive. Step parents and remarried parents must accept the natural mind that the children have with a noncustodial parent as this bond is every bit as important as the bond the child has with the parents with whom they live. messing with the bond will lead to trouble because in so doing, you are tampering with powerful loyalties. God given loyalties between parent and child. You know we have been establishing the insiders who are biologically related and those who are not. Outsiders often feel like they don't belong. And they frequently try to force their way in with the insiders. The biological parent and step families maintains a relationship to both insiders their children and outsiders, new spouse and his or her children and therefore, must position the step parent as his or her teammates.