Transcript: Heart of Remarriage part 3

Video Transcript: The Heart of Remarriage Part 03

Welcome to the third class for the needs for the couple in the remarriage. I'd like to start to talk about the couples should be giving time and energy to the marriage, and not letting their children keep them apart. This could include the new spouse and parenting decisions. Now I would like to qualify and parenting decisions. This should primarily come through the biological parent. However, including the new spouse to be talking about these decisions is very important. Setting up a date night and keeping it and taking a few minutes each day to connect with a couple without interruption are a few simple but significant ways to communicate the unity of the couple to the children. Let's balance these ideas. If the biological parents does not help the outside step parent into a leadership position, the step parent is likely to try to force his or her way in, or the step parent may go the opposite direction and create a wall and state that they do not want anything to do with the step children. This could cause resulting resentment and resistance from the insiders again, jealousy, rejection and anger are common emotions. So let's know that the biological parents must take a both and stance with their children and new spouse, they must invest time and energy in both early in the remarriage. For example, it is especially important to stay connected with your children. But eventually the marriage must be made a priority even in front of the children. 

I like to give an example of this. It was a situation where the remarriage It was a biological mother and a stepfather. And it was very difficult and very apparent there were two older biological daughters. And they were not making progress in connecting with the male stepfather. And actually, from my point of view, he was being patient he was being involved. Well, there was further healing that needed to take place. Actually, the second youngest daughter had a much anger issue with a biological father, when the divorce had taken place, the biological father had moved out of state. And it was as if he was completely gone and vanished. And there was not the ability for her to even begin to bond with a stepfather because she had lack of resolution with a biological father. Now the actual Mother of these two girls, after some time in our sessions, I made a recommendation. And I said, if you can let your new spouse I understand there needs to be a bit extra time. Because this was in the beginning of their relationship to focus on these girls. And these were adult children at the time. Could you plan a weekend away. And during this weekend away, there could be some very specific prayer time about the biological father and the mother was very willing, interestingly enough, when the mother came back, and it was with two nights away with these daughters, there was a ton of anger that came up at the mother. And I think that what happened is the daughter couldn't even get angry with the biological father because he was gone. He was absentee now, they went into some prayer time. And actually what she described was amazing. The daughter saw herself in this incredibly dark tunnel. And it's like she couldn't even begin to see her way out. And the mother and the sister laid hands on this daughter, and then the Sister Sister she has to and prayed. And when she was able to see and get through that dark dark tunnel, which represented all the pain of the divorce, because of divorce that happened about four or five years previously, at the other end of the tunnel was Jesus. And he was waiting for her and when she got to that tunnel, it was amazing. Then after that time, and that healing, she started to have different feelings towards her stepfather. She started to be more open, she was able to talk more, and then the biological mother was able to show and be more connected to the stepfather and the both of the girls started to accept it more and more healing took place. 

Another reason it is so vitally important that the children are showing the importance of the relationship the room marriage is because it gives every family member the best chance for success at integrating into a new family formation. A good marriage that ensures step family satisfaction or contentment among the children but without a strong marriage all family members will continue to feel unsafe, making integration nearly impossible. And would it not be every biological parents hope and desire because there is a mourning for not having that nuclear family anymore to give to the children and so if there is a chance to see healthy family again, that is definitely the step family and the remarriage, desire to have that happen. How strong is your marriage? This is based on some research over the last 24 years by Dr. John Gottman of the family research lab at the University of Washington. And Dr. Gottman has been studying what he calls the Masters in disasters of marriage. He listens to marriage, couples talk about each other and their marriage as he measures their heart rates and observes facial expressions and evaluates how they describe their mate and their marriage. So actually, this is not just about okay, last week, Dr. Gottman met with a couple. 

This is about hundreds of couples that are measured and studied with validity in his research lab. Actually, Dr. John Gottman has written over 40 books and written numerous articles. I've attended one of his conferences, so I'm very comfortable to speak about the masters and disasters in marriage. So based on Gottman findings, he created a free marriage quiz that is designed to provide you with results that can arm you with knowledge you need to strengthen your marriage. Gottman is able to predict with 90% accuracy, which couples marriages, will make it over the long haul and which will not test the strength of your marriage. Because the actual assessment have been included in this class. It's 22 questions. And with doing the self scoring, you'll be able to understand if you are going to be a master or a disaster. Now the reason I'm including this assessment in the class is because often in my therapy session with a couple I would rather read the questions to them and have each of the man and the woman answered the questions. If I send the marriage assessment home with them, sometimes it doesn't come back. Sometimes they have not even filled out the questionnaire. And sometimes if they score in a more negative way with the assessment, there's an argument and they lose more hope for their relationship. So I would rather do this in session. Thus I'm going to read through the questions and almost give you an example of what I would do would be doing in the session. 

First one, I can name my partners best friends, I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately. I can tell you some of my partner's life dreams and that is huge. In fact, what Dr. Gottman he calls having shared dreams that is a part of the safe house. And it is absolutely foundational in terms of masters of marriages that they would be able to have like minded and goals together with dreams that they could strive towards. And it doesn't even mean that they all have to be actualized just to be able to talk about their dreams together and pray about these dreams together as huge. I can tell you about my partner's basic philosophy of life, I can list the relatives my partner like the least, I feel that my partner knows me pretty well. When we are apart I often think fondly of my partner. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately. My partner really respects me. And we know from some of the previous lessons, respect is huge for the men. And I do speak about that often for the wives and they should know that they are feeling and experiencing respect. There is fire and passion in this relationship. romance is definitely still a part of our relationship. My partner appreciates the things that I do in this relationship. My partner generally likes my personality, our sex life is mostly satisfying. At the end of the day, my partner is glad to see me. My partner is one of my best friends. We just love talking to each other. There is lots of give and take. Both people have influence in our discussions. My partner listens respectfully even when we disagree. My partner is usually a great help as a problem solver. And we generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life. 

Now add up the number of times you checked yes, and then use the following guide to help interpret your score. How about 16 to 22 with a green light. If this is a number range, your relationship is probably in good or even great shape at this time. But please, don't become lactadaysago because relationships don't always stay in great shape. I could administer this free assessment to couples two or three times over a 12 month period and it could change. To visualize where your marriage stands. Think of yourself as currently driving down the road going to a green light. There is no need to stop with what you're doing. Keep cruising along, making the most of your marriage but remember that you're moving all the time. And all of a sudden if I had a view is a red light. Are you gonna have to stop? Is there a yellow light and you may have to slow down? That's exactly what happens in marriages. How about eight to 15 years The yellow light. If you scored in this range, you're approaching a yellow light in your marriage, you need to be cautious while you may be happy now in your relationship, your score reveals warning signs of negative patterns you can't afford to let take hold. Check your heart for hardening. Keep your heart flowing with God's love. As a wellspring of life, I would call it a hardening of the heart, which leads to the 14 and the free flowing of the Holy Spirit. And once that happens, the heart becomes a hard stone, it is no longer a heart of flesh, it does become very, very hardened. And actually, in these instances, I talked about marriage and being in love with your spouse as it is a choice, you might not always feel like you're in love, that is certainly not a reason to get a divorce. Because people can fall in love. And the passion can return an often is stronger when they've worked through these difficulties together. And this would be like in a yellow light experience. expend some extra effort on your marriage right now. And you'll avoid a lot of heartache in the future, you can have a lifetime of love together if you nurture each other's hearts. Now, believe me if I'm seeing a couple and if the yellow light realm, it makes my job with the Lord Jesus much easier. But many couples wait until we get to this point, the red light, when they sense that urgency, when they're in complete despair when it feels like they no longer have hope they're calling for counseling. And of course, I'm thrilled. But it does make the process of healing more difficult. So if you scored in the zero to seven range, it's like approaching a red light, you must stop and think about where the two of you are headed. Your score indicates the presence of germs that have infected your marriage and could put your relationship at a significant risk, you may be heading for trouble, or you are already there. Don't give up though. As long as there is life left in your body, there is time for your hearts to heal. You know what you need to do get your focus off your own happiness and turn your eyes back to God, he can turn your hearts back to each other. And actually, with these type of issues, I'm often hearing couples with complaints. And they have went into the area of what we call contempt. 

Now this is a concept that dr. John Gottman talks about in his description of the apocalypse. And contempt is one of the worst experiences for couples to have. And he states in his studies of disasters for marriages that have contempt is there. He's very much hesitant about giving good prognosis for the relationship. So if I'm hearing this couple say things like when I get home today, I'm going to tell them this. And you know what, the other day, I made sure that they knew this. I mean, there's just so much negativity, I will ask them, could you allow for some time to pray about this, because then it will not be coming from your own pursuit is going to be becoming from the heart of God. I wanted to choose this this picture, I thought it was so appropriate because it talks about the stepping stones in our life, how they can actually be stepping stones, or they can be stumbling blocks and you know from they're gonna look identical. And many people if they see it as a stumbling block, they stop, they don't even progress. And you know, remarriage has had that a ton more. Because not only are they dealing with the issues in this current marriage, a lot of times are taking the ghosts from their past in the previous marriage. And they put that into their present marriage, that will be a stumbling block, it will no longer be a stepping stone. And if this couple can look at getting to a point as a stepping stone, they may be resolving the issues in the hurt from the previous marriage in this current marriage and then even going further. That is often something that happens. And it's a double healing. So please look at these issues as stepping stones. Stepping Stones lead to a healthy integration with spiritual integrity. It demands that we allow Jesus to be Lord over our heart and home. listening and understanding help family members to develop compassion, empathy for one another. Perseverance will help to stay the course when the going gets tough. And commitment expresses itself and dedication to fulfill the marital vows. Because remember, it is not just to each other. It is absolutely to the Lord Jesus Christ. And when I say about the ability to have the blended family or the remarriage to not have a time schedule, that's number one. 

That's patience. It means enjoying your step family as it is instead of pushing everyone to arrive at the promised land on schedule. I wanted to give an example of a it was a blended family and this came from a blog that I found, but it definitely gives example of schedule and timing and the patience that is needed. It came from a website called Huffington post.com. And the name of the blog article is blended family Friday, meet Harriet and Joe's family. I'm going to read the question that was asked, and it was being asked to Harriet and then I will read the response which will give the examples. Hi Harriet, please introduce us to your family. My husband Joe and I are parents of three girls and three boys. Caitlin, who is 25 Chandler hunter twins and Ryan, who is six weeks younger than the twins are all 23. Connor is 21 and Haley is 20. How long have you and Joe been together is the question, Joe and I've been together for 16 years and I've been married 15 years. When we were first married, our children ranged in age from five to 10. And they all lived with us now they range in age from 20 to 25. In our either in college, graduate from college, grad school or working in their chosen field, the years have gone by fast. Question, looking back what have been some of the biggest challenges of blended family life. For us, the biggest challenge was the initial merging of the kids As parents, we were trying not to alter traditions and routines too much. But we also want to make our own. It was a big struggle in the beginning, not only for the kids, but for us as their parents. Our parenting styles were similar, though. So that was a big help. Because all of the kids were so young and we were first married, we came up with some house rules that we all tried to live by, we wanted all of the kids to feel that they were being treated fairly, it definitely took time. But our family eventually took shape. Our initial goal was to make sure the kids knew they were loved, wanted and cared for. Question, what's the best thing about being part of a blended family, the best part about being a blended family is how much fun we have together. Because our kids were so close in age finding things to do as a family that made everyone happy was quite easy. We always made a huge effort to sit down to dinner together. And many times a week as possible, our dinner conversations would last as long as two hours. 

Therapists in me, I love that. They're creating new traditions. This is very something that's going to be special for this blended family and not from the family of the past or biological family, new traditions, new memories. So coming back now to the answer. We covered many topics and really learned a lot about each other during those times. We had great conversations over the years. Now that the kids are old are getting everyone together for any amount of time is more difficult. But we always have fun when we do. Question, what makes you the proudest of your family. I am proud of our kids. They're resilient group of young adults, they are smart, caring and genuinely nice people. A prime example that happened years ago, all six kids went to the same parochial school up through eighth grade. We made a house rule early on that if you forgot something for school, we were not bringing it back to you. Otherwise we'd be going to and from the school all the time. Our youngest daughter who was in first grade at the time, she forgot her lunch one day, knowing that if I broke the house rule and brought her lunch, all bets were off as far as keeping the house rule in place. I cried all the way home, knowing that my daughter was without lunch, picking the kids up after school that day. To my delight, I had a very happy and proud six year old jump into our car. Our oldest daughter Caitlin, knowing that Haley did not have her lunch asked her friends to donate an item from their lunches share with her little sister, Haley was so excited that our big sister was looking out for her she could not wait to tell me. She had had the best lunch day ever. This is a type of moment. And there have been many several moments like this over the years that make us so proud of our blended family. Questions, what advice do you have for blended families who feel like a peaceful family dynamic is out of reach? My advice is to let your family as a blended family progress naturally, everyone will have their own timeframe. This is what I was talking about that with the promised land being on schedule. Some kids will adjust faster than the others. And the truth of the matter is that some may never adjust at all to the degree you hope, learning to be okay with that as a key. When Joe and I first blended our family, our six kids were our number one priority, treating our kids like individuals and that is a herd as we called it was a key component to making each of our kids feel special, and feel like an important part of our family, which they were many mistakes were made along the way, both with the kids and with each other. We try to learn from them forgive ourselves and move on. And I think I'd like to add at the end of that blog that this couple did make sure that the kids had prominence at the beginning of the relationship and were treated with their own special unique abilities and talents. I again would say that as the relationship and the family continues that the children need to see that there is a place of prominence for the husband and wife realm as well.

How about flexibility includes changing your assumptions of how things should be and opening yourself to creative solutions to common problems and humor. The gift that focuses on the bright side of the dark moments. I heard a little bit of a sense of humor. It was a blended family and the stepmother who loved the stepchildren they would see it biological mother every other weekend, and she had just in the last year we married and had a new child. When the kids came over to the biological mother's home, she was the first time introduce them to their new half brother. And this is your half brother and your new sibling. They came home all excited to sell the stepmother about their half brother. And she said, so which half is your brother? the right or the left? And they were like, What do you mean? And she said, well, he's your whole brother, every part of him. And then she went on to explain what the half meant. And then they understood but it was just another way to talk about the acceptance within the blended families. Take your wounds and disappointment to God and ask him to be this is where the Lord comes in to be the great heart, soul physician for your current needs. And when you come to him with your life or cares and your needs, he places his yoke upon you. And Scripture says that his yoke is easy, and his burden is light. Many of our problems lie in trying to do life in our own strength. And in our own strength, we often are at risk, to take things out of context, to speak and make judgment and make connections that are not going to be healthy. 

It is already hard enough in a second marriage. So asking the Lord first and giving some time for the ability of the Holy Spirit to bring that wisdom is huge. accept the fact that life in the blended family can be hard, but it can be with blessing and all must be turned to God. Claim his presence with you always come to God. Trust that He is your helper and lean to that truth. say with confidence every day. The Lord is my helper, Hebrews 13, five, six state, never will I leave you never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? Now while seeking another chance at love, we must realize that it's possible for this new relationship to be lived in the spirit of restoration, and acceptance of what is now our new reality. The only way to survive the unexpected twists and turns of remarriage is to put Christ solidly at the center of the relationship. Because remember, there is very much that possibility that this new relationship could bring in triggers that would bring reminders of the first marriage. And if you're wanting to have this remarriages, blended family have all the opportunity and wholeness that it can. The goal is to look in that moment at your spouse, through the eyes of the Lord and through the person that they are. 

Interestingly enough, though, if the triggers or the ghost do come up, often remarriages and blended families can experience healing and it's double. There are some healing that takes place that represents the first marriage and healing for the remarriage as well. A lot of this though, is undergirded with the power of prayer. And there we go. I wanted to put a visual there because of how important and utterly absolutely essential the power of prayer. And these last few slides, I'm going to be reading a prayer that I share with my couples, I often will read it in session, but then I have hard copies for them to take home to read a couple times a week when they're going through the process of counseling, and through the process of healing. Father, whenever we communicate help us to uphold the priority of our marriage, permitting no other relationship to weaken ours. May we always in all of our conversations uphold the oneness of our marriage. Understanding that what affects one always affects the other. May we allow open and honest communication encouraged vulnerability and authenticity. May we never be guilty of breaking each other's spirit. Rather, may we affirm and strengthen one another so that together we can endure any weakness, any failure and not lose hope. Father help us to sharpen our communication skills teach us to communicate with our eyes to convey our delight in each other's presence to say I love you to let our loved one know even in a crowded room, you're special to me, remind us to give each other the gift of our full attention when we talk. And I'd like to comment on that communication with the eyes. I have become very much aware that folks that have went through a divorce and wounds and hurts my first marriage, or maybe these could be wounds and hurts from their childhood. They can read eyes better than any other people that I have even begun to work with. So I'm aware even as I begin that session, to make sure that my eyes are conveying that I'm glad that they're there that I'm committed to doing this time with them for healing. How much more important it is to convey those type of things through the eyes to your spouse. Because if a spouse is able to read the nonverbals And some of the gestures that you might bring to them, you won't have to have any words, they will be able to read it in your eyes, and to be able to communicate with your eyes that you are in delight to see them. It is an amazing, amazing gift. 

Continuing with the prayer, teach us to respond to what is said so that our mate knows he or she is being heard, help us to keep a confidence to build a wall of trust that we are free to share all that is in our hearts. You know, interestingly enough, just the other night, I had accompany my husband to a doctor's appointment. And because I'm going to be respectful of his privacy, there were some things that were talked about at the physician. And my daughter, who is my biological daughter is a physician assistant. On the way home from the doctor's appointment, I was on my cell phone calling my daughter and asking her questions about the discussion with the doctor. When I got off the phone, I looked over at my husband. And what I saw in his eyes was not delight to be looking at me. It was sadness and some hint of anger. And I listened, I said, what? And he said, I don't want everyone knowing about what just took place at the doctor. That's more for just us. I felt so bad, I apologized, I certainly said I wasn't going to do that again. But there had been some hurt that had taken place. And perhaps a little bit of trust in that wall was wobbly. Believe me, I have made that as a mental note now, that unless my husband gives me permission, or I asked for permission to share medical information I'm not going to do so that's going to be up to him. Help us to listen patiently remind us that our loved one does not always want advice. Sometimes we just want to be heard to say it and to get it off our chest. Father, may we feel the freedom to open up and share our fears. Sometimes it is difficult to admit weakness or fear. 

But we need to be able to talk to someone, and of all people it should be our spouse. May we also know that we don't always have to dispel each other's Fear not should we think we have the cure, may we just learn to listen, listen and pray. Jesus and the Holy Spirit is going to be our cure. Father, we all need to have that sense of significance of worth of security. So teach us to continue to look for ways for words in private and in public to build our loved one self esteem. When one of us shares with the other may we learn not to attack each other verbally, may the goal of our conversations be for the building up of one another, the healing of one another and the encouragement of one another. So our loved one will want to talk to communicate and may our words never be demeaning or disruptive. And finally, Father, when our tempers flare, may we make a practice not to lay our heads on our pillows and close our eyes until we have resolved our anger. You tell us very clearly be angry and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. And do not give the devil an opportunity. As we look at the one line and the pillow beside us may remember that this is the one to whom we made our vows to love and sickness and in health. For richer, for poorer, for better or worse until death do us part. And this is in our second marriage. I know that a little bit heart wrenching, because these could have been vowels that were made in the first marriage as well. And we have talked about that. God does not want divorce. But he is a forgiving God. And we had every much the same opportunity and commitment to keep these vows in our remarriage. And Lord help us to realize and father that a marriage like the one we prayed for is a marriage that speaks to all the world of the power and indestructibility joy of living in obedience to the Word of God. A marriage that demonstrates to the world that with you it is possible to have a marriage without regrets. A marriage that gives others a snapshot of the marriage of the Lamb and the heavenly home you have prepared for us. And those are the works cited. Thank you for coming to the class on remarriage.