Transcript: Spiritual Oneness Part 2

Video Transcript: Spiritual Oneness Part 02

Welcome to the second class on spiritual oneness within marriage. I wanted to start with why is praying together so difficult. Sometimes it can be a difference in expectations as both might like to pray a certain time of day. And this routine is predictable, or the prayer time can be timed by the clock. The other spouse might like to pray while in the shower or when they exercise or on the drive to work. Now, after some attempts to coordinate times to pray together, both spouses begin to back away from the subject because to them, what the other spouse was just does not seem natural or spiritual enough. Sometimes I'll hear too, that this is just a personal thing to me. However, if we're talking about bringing spiritual intimacy and prayer into the marriage, it is involving both the husband and the wife. If that's the case, I will ask, can there even be a beginning to start saying the Lord's prayer together, most of us know the Lord's Prayer. And that could be a very nice way to start to have prayer time together. Also, prayer can be very disarming, it can be much simpler to say, I'll pray for you, as opposed to say, let's pray together right now about this. If at the end of a conversation with your spouse, there's an offer to pray that in their immediate involvement is happening, the spouse is offering much more of himself or herself to his or her spouse when inviting this personal conversation to be heard. This is in a way, putting one spirituality on display. And it's not easy, even between marriage partners. Praying exposes, among other things, the level of intimacy in a relationship. If the spouse says let's pray about this, there is a degree of comfort and ease in a relationship. But if the spouse is uncomfortable, saying that the spouse is revealing an area of the relationship that is not well developed yet, avoiding the issue of praying together can also avoid whatever discomfort is within the marriage relationship. I know that for my husband and I, we have at times encountered places where praying was more difficult. And it might not be about intimacy, but it could have been about buisiness. 

One of the things that has really helped us and I did not put this book on the work cited, but I do want to reference the book today it is called the circle maker by Mark Patterson, Reverend Mark Batterson. A fantastic book about how to pray circles around your marriage, how to pray circles about issues in your life. I just wanted to give a reference of a little of the background of how Reverend Batterson came upon the idea of being a circle maker. He said that he came upon a book called legends. And it contained the teachings of Jewish rabbis that were passed down from generation to generation. Now because it contained more than a millenniums worth of wisdom, it was like digging with an archeological find. But one of the treasures in the book that he said he came upon, was a Legend of honies, a circle maker. And it forever changed the way that Reverend Patterson talked and how he prayed. He said he had a grandfather who would kneel by his bedside at night, this grandfather would take off his hearing aid and pray for his family. He couldn't even hear himself without his hearing aid. But everyone else in the house could hear him pray a few things had left such an impression upon the author of this book, Reverend Batterson, but it was an impression that someone was being so genuine and interceding for him his grandfather. And even though he died, when the author was six years old, his prayers did not in our prayers never die. There had been moments he said in his life, when the Spirit of God had whispered to his ear Mark, the prayers of your grandfather are being answered in your life right now. And after discovering the legend of honi, the circle maker that he realized that his grandfather had been praying circles around him even before he was born. 

So the book was born. And this author started circling everyone and everything in prayer. He drew particular inspiration from the march around Jericho, when God delivered on a 400 year old promise, by providing the first victory in the promised land. The image of the Israelites circling Jericho for seven days is a moving picture of what drawing prayer circles looks like. And you know, when you bring that concept into marriage, I know for my husband and I, we went through a period a couple years ago, where our middle daughter had really felt that she had gotten to the point in a relationship with a young man that perhaps this was going to be the place where she would walk to become married, and he would one day be her husband, and he was starting to think the same thing. And so we embark on a journey for 40 days to pray about that decision in their lives. And even though it was about a family member, it definitely brought my husband and I closer And at the end of the 40 days, they didn't know, I needed to say that they did not know, at the end of the 40 days, it was within a 24 hour period that they called us and said they have gotten engaged. And actually, I think this is pertinent because December 5, and I am actually taping this on December 6, was their anniversary of two years. So what a blessing. And again, exposing the quality of your relationship, I was just saying, if you need some extra help to go into that prayer time, please consider getting the circle maker by Mark Batterson. Also prayer spiritual warfare, to pray together is not just a simple activity we add to our day as a specific act against spiritual forces and the enemy will resist us. Prayer is one of the primary weapons available to us, as we as we enter the battle for our marriages. So as you work to pray together, realize that some of the difficulty that you experience is due to the invisible spiritual battle, I just want you to know that there have been times when we have encountered incredible warfare, there have been a prayer time in the morning. And perhaps it's a day when something very Kingdom related is going to happen. And there'll be a number of things that take place. I remember one particular day, My car broke down on a particular day, my banking car didn't work, that there had to be a difference with what was happening with my cell phone coverage. And all of that were issues that was going to be pertaining to the kingdom work. I remember calling my husband and saying, there has been so much adversity today, I think we need to return to that prayer time. And again, begin to have the beginning of our day now at the middle of our day. And thus we did and the rest of the day went very well.

Now, I want to talk about some hurdles that could be in place for a man and hurdles for a woman in terms of having that intimacy of prayer in the marriage. So many men carry the burden of not quite cutting it in the spiritual intimacy within marriage. Spiritual opposition does not want the man to step more intentionally into the role of the priest of the family. Maybe it's intimidation. The truth is many men recognize that their wives are walking more diligently in a town and intentionally with the Lord than they are. It might intimidate them to think that they would have have much to add to what she needs, or maybe they don't have much to add. God has blessed many men with God fearing wives and please thank God for this reality but God wants to use your wife's walk with Him to motivate spiritual passion. You know some of this as wives tend to be more verbal. Our wives are more the planners, but wives will sense the disconnect, and they often will sense it first and foremost if there's something happening in the marriage and even in the spiritual intimacy realm, and thus wanting that covering from their husbands. Public spiritual leadership, a man does not have to be more biblically astute than his wife. It does not mean that the man has to impart always spiritual information and insights to her. Spiritually leaving your wife is not information centric. It is relationship centric. It involves the walking in a relationship of three, husband, wife and God. It is about who you are as her partner in life, and your commitment to be yoked together with her and with Jesus Christ. Now, another obstacle could be fear. 

Fear can condemn the husband because of the knowledge of being a sinner. And obviously, the wife knows the status too. She knows her husband well. Given this reality, the husband might be thinking that the wife will think badly of him if he tries to come off as a spiritual man. And yet there's sin in his life as in all of our lives. Thus, he avoids getting too close to his wife, the possible condemnation and shame fuels the fear. So the husband blows the whistle and disqualified himself. Or sometimes fear can create general irritability or move us away from our spouse. I wanted to give an example when it comes from the book that I do have on your work cited by Dr. David Stoop. And he gave an example of working with a couple in a marital session and what happened regarding marital intimacy in the spiritual connection. The husband's name was Pete and Pete said to Dr. Stoop, that he couldn't pray with his wife because he was still angry with her over something that had happened years before. When Dr. Stoop asked him if he talks about his anger with his wife, and her name was Jennifer. He said, no, it doesn't do any good. She can't understand why I feel the way I do. So then Dr. Stoop turned to Jennifer and she was crying. She didn't know whether to be angry or sad. As she said to the psychologists, I can't believe he's saying that. We've talked about it a number of times and he always seemed satisfied with my apology. But then after every time we start to talk about something he doesn't want to do, he goes back and brings up that old story again, perhaps some unforgiveness there as well. So Dr. Stoup went on to talk for some time. And it was obvious that Pete was holding on to his hostility as a protection against having to do something that was very frightening for him. As long as he wasn't challenged to step out. And actually this tapping out was to pray together and take a risk in their relationship together, the hostility was buried. But if something came up, that stirred up those interferes, rather than being able to talk about prayer being what he felt fearful, he would become hostile. And then that would direct and distract him away from having to pray in his wife would say no more. So this spiritual intimacy was being pushed away because of anger. P was actually stopping around it. Because anger appeared more as hurt over a past event, not necessarily about the prayer time. The hurt was long since buried, and it kept him away from what he may have longed for, but what he also feared, sometimes fear will move us away. And so if I am understanding that there is fear there, I just can't do this. I don't feel comfortable to doing this. to having the prayer time, I will process with a couple, just as this couple had process. And with that, they were finally able to let go of somebody in the press, or it's actually the husband was able to let go and get to a very safe prayer experience.

Remember also that no, not one is perfect. The answers motivations and healings that we need, can flow from the Word of God is the husband prays for the truth and principles of Scripture. The most powerful relational union that God intends on earth is husband and wife. No other relationship is characterized by such intimate and personal terms as one flesh. Stepping into this union more intentionally and regularly will open the anointing of God in ways you may not have imagined. If not stepped into as a Christian man, you will lose access to the most powerful resource you have as a married man. And in a bed I am going to be sharing in this class, some specific scriptures, and how a husband can pray for his wife. Treating a wife with respect in that possession could be another hurdle. First Peter 3:7 , you husband in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way as with someone weaker since she is a woman, and show her honor as a fellow hair of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. Thus, the apostle Peter warns the husband, that this is possible to live towards his wife in such a way that the husband prayers become futile and unprofitable. What power in this verse, and to understand what needs to be happening between a husband and wife for prayers to be heard. 

Also, there's some historical significance. Through out history and even in some places today, many cultures and religions degrade women and regard them as inferior to men. They are treated as servants and as instruments to gratify man's passions. Christianity, though, and our Lord Jesus confronts the injustice in such treatment and elevates women, as co hairs of the grace, hope and promises of the Lord Jesus Christ, as Jesus walked physically on this earth. Think about the women that surrounded him and the respect that he gave Mary and Martha, his mother, Mary, Mary Magdalene are a few wives are to be treated with respect kindness and esteem, love and honor. Peter speaks in this verse about the wife being weaker in contrast to the physical strength of a man, because generally speaking, wives are more tender, delicate and fragile a structure. On the other hand, a woman is the one who was assigned by God to give birth. So there is some physical strength in women as well. And also, as I was talking earlier, about the spiritual warfare, when the enemy convinces you that you are disqualified from praying with your wife. He truck's you into stepping away from one of the most powerful resources you have in your life, one flesh, spiritual intimacy, and with this subtle scheme he steals, kills and destroys vast fruitfulness from your life and marriage. The devil can be disarmed husband, when you fight with the Word of God. And again, these are some specific scriptures that are short to come. Now what if a wife does not want prayer? If your wife is resistant, there may be a host of complex issues creating this condition in her heart. A husband needs to seriously consider any responsibility he might bear because of the wife's condition. 

Husband pray and ask God to show you even better, ask God for the boldness and right opportunity to ask your wife how you may have wounded her. Now please know, I am not assuming that if your wife does not want prayer that is always because of something in the relationship or something that the husband has done, I'm just asking that to be the first consideration and prayer onto the Lord. I think of an experience where it was a husband and wife and the wife was very close to prayer. The reason why is she had a very strong drill sergeant father, and he had some very specific rules about prayer. Her siblings would always have to be at the table at a certain time at supper, they would have to eat a certain way. They would have to say prayers a certain way. They would have to make sure that devotions and they listened in a certain way. Well, this particular evening meal, the father was saying a very stoic prayer and reading devotions, and she became a little fidgety. She ended up playing with her fork, and she dropped it on the floor. And then when she went to get it off the floor, she made a bunch of noise. The father was incensed. And because of his military, drill Sergeant parenting style, he told her to get her coat and shoes on, and she was going to go out and do 45 to 100 laps around her driveway.

It took her quite a while to do that it was frigid cold. And of course, in her mind, she made a connection between prayer and devotions, and that military drill sergeant style of her father, and thus, when they got married, she would have nothing to do with prayer at supper. And it had nothing to do with any sense of her husband, as they started to pray about this. And they started to learn where this came from. The husband was able to have her engaged in prayer, but it had to be silent to begin with. All she would allow him to do is take her hands, and it was before bed and to have a silent prayer. But eventually, he could say a few words. And eventually he could say more. And eventually she was able to join in. This was a reframing experience, to show the power of prayer and marriage. But the husband did not shame her or show anger to her in terms of why she was so resistant to prayer initially. Also, put downs women in our society do feel much freer. Well, excuse me, I'm fine changing now. This is about spiritual intimacy in the hurdle of a woman's head. This is some of the issues that might come up in terms of why women would have difficulty to have spiritual intimacy and prayer with their husbands. It could be an issue about put downs, women in our society do feel much freer to put men down and are quite intolerant other riverse, and almost seems politically correct to demean men at any time in almost any fashion. The media tells us that men only think about sex, football and food and that they are incapable of taking care of themselves. That is often a Christian woman must repent of the tendency to believe these lies and work towards building mature relationships with her husband. How about disrespect? There is disrespect given because a man will not necessarily think feel or act like a woman. And a wife may talk about how this affects her or use words like how a husband is clueless, and how a husband could be helpless and forgetful. Yes, it is true that men and women do not always see or do things the same way. But that is no excuse for putting a husband down. In fact, there is so much Christian literature one of the best books on this is called love and respect, and is by Dr. Emerson Eggerichf. 

I'm going to spell that the last name is e-g-g-e-r-i-c-h-f. And it talks about how first and foremost a husband wants to feel respected and with honor from his wife, and truly will that lead to ability to want to have prayer time, and it certainly would lead more to an ability for the wife to desire that from her husband without frustration or hurt or irritation from disrespect. Sometimes a hurdle could be a woman's hurt. Women must also pay attention to how often we turn our hurt frustration and confusion about the difficulties in our relationships with men into excuses for anger, bitterness, wrath, sarcasm, and cynicism. Instead of being able to confront and let go of the hurts of the past, we too often cower and wrap ourselves in cloaks of woundedness that become our identity markers, and we lose ourselves in them. Women with these characteristics often find themselves alone, because a man cannot bear the weight of their negativity. And certainly a man cannot bear the weight of feeling that disrespect it will not be allowed. I was thinking about a couple that I was working with. And there was no prayer in this relationship. And there was also no intimacy in the sexual realm also. What had taken place is it had been going on for years and years and years because of some hurts that had happened in their early years of their marriage. So I was hoping that I could be used as a vessel to bring some prayer back into their relationship. The man was very active in his church, he was on the musical worship team. He was a fabulous pianist. The wife also attended church regularly and would sit and be under the ministry of the music. So I knew there was a bridge with music. So on a particular session, I asked him if we could bring music into our session. And we did. They brought in some of their favorite songs. And we streamed on the computer, and their cell phone both. And immediately, there was a difference in terms of the energy and their persona to one another. in that session, I watched the wife look at the husband, because this music was being played just for them. And with the presence of the Lord, it wasn't in a corporate church service. And as she moved closer to her husband, and I think having me there as somewhat of a buffer, we were able to go into some prayer time. And what happened after that prayer time, is bitterness was released, there was less sarcasm, less cynicism, and every session after that for a number of sessions, we began to sessions with that type of prayer and music, and they were able then to take that into their experience at home. Also another hurdle as a woman's weariness for lack of husband spiritual covering. Many wives will utter prayers with complete frustration as they grow weary in waiting for their husbands to provide spiritual covenant leadership. Do these words sound familiar? I am normally the one who initiates or suggest that we pray together. I feel like I'm begging him to do something that he should be doing already. How long do I have to wait? After all, isn't that part of being the head of our home. I'm beginning to resent him and I confess I'm also getting mad at God.

So then I would say, Please get out between your husband and God. After Adam and Eve disobeyed God's prohibition of eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. God meted out a twofold consequence to Eve as recorded in Genesis 3:16. The number one was pain and childbearing. And then number two desire for her husband. Now we can easily understand the first consequence, but the second one can be a bit confusing. Many Christian scholars interpret this to mean that the desire for your husband or her husband was not of a sexual physical nature, but was of a desire for authority for ruling over him. So women can have a curse with some proclivity to seek dominion over their husbands. And then our culture feeds into that even more. I really wanted to specifically say this quote, because it has the possibility to bring a smile, especially for women who are studying this course in the book praying together by Salmon Vicki Gratiae, Vicki had a Damascus road experience with the above black. She believes that God spoke these words to her. When I created Eve, I put Adam to sleep. When I'm finished fashioning you, Vicki, I will wake Sam up. 

Now, is that not an eye opener. So, dear Godly wife, please no longer have that superiority or have that disrespect. A godly wife should be praying that her husband will hear from God. And not that he will just get it and relieve her of her misery. Instead, a Godly wife, while praying will be on her knees out of the way, giving God permission to fashion the husband as God sees fit. The Godly wife will let God work in her and let God decide when he will wake up her husband. And again, I keep coming back to certain scriptures. But let's look at the apostle Peter's words. Wives fit in with your husband's plans for them if they refuse to listen, when you talk to them about the Lord, they will be one by your respectful pure behavior. Your Godly life will speak to them better than any words. And that is actually First Peter three, one through 12. You know, I was thinking of a situation and it was a husband and wife and the husband had come and returned from the military and he had a diagnosis of PTSD. The wife was extremely upset because prior to his military trauma issues, he always would go to church with his wife. And it was definitely part of their spiritual experience. But because things that happened in the military that he felt ashamed about, and also things that happened was he started to question where was God which we would all understand. He felt he no longer was wanted to be in church, she did not feel worthy to be in church and he also was angry. But instead of saying or acting like her husband had to just get with it. I mean, she did convey her frustration to me. She started and embarked on a journey, where she prayed and asked the Lord to be working with her husband. And she did something very tangible. When she would go to church, she brought a Bible and she had her husband's picture in the front cover of the Bible. And she set the Bible next to her on the pew. And in doing that, what that was her way to tangibly imagine her husband being there with her, in that worship experience and sitting next to her. And after a number of months, train and having her husband next to her in the form of his picture in the Bible. He woke up one Sunday morning and said, I'm going to church with you today. God had now woken up her husband, it was amazing. 

How about putting God at the head of the marriage relationship praying together is absolutely the most intimate act, a couple can engage in. The marriage relationship creates the opportunity for us to be reminded of our need for God. When we become disillusioned by the inability to receive all the love we need and desire from fellow humans. This inescapable disillusion that can lead the anguish in any marriage, instead of realizing that our true needs can be ultimately met only in and by God. Some people keep on trying to find their fulfillment solely in their spouse. Interestingly, it is still a stunning and scriptural fact that soon after create an Adam God declared it is not good for the man to be alone. Genesis 2:18 even though God delighted in his relationship with man, clearly God created us with a need to enjoy each other besides just himself, but God must still be at the center of our hearts. Now, we talked about the hurdles, let's get more specific about praying for your wife. And these are going to be some ideas of some specific prayers using God's word as the outline for these prayers. I have left lines so that your wife's name can be put into these lines. I'm just going to use my name for right now. Because this is going to be very powerful. To your husband let's start with protect her joy. Thank you, Father. 

For the gift of my wife, you are the giver of all good and perfect blessings. And I'm amazed how you show your love to her. Please help me to cherries. such an amazing gift. Each day circumstances and frustrations can easily steal the joy from Christine. Please keep her from letting these challenges turn her focus from you, the author of her faith, give her the joy that Jesus had as he accomplished the Father's will on Earth. May she consider a struggle as a reason to find hope in you. When she feels tired, Lord, renew her strength. Surround her with friends who love you, and will bear her burdens give her a reason to feel refreshed by their encouragement. May she know that the joy of the Lord is the source of her strength, protector from growing tired of doing what you've called her to do each day. Give her a growing need for God the Father, her father, I confess that I sometimes think of myself as being the one who takes care of my wife. Forgive me for taking to myself which truly belongs to you, for help comes from you. If she depends on me, I know I'll disappoint her, but you never fail and you make her life a garden that always has enough water. You're always faithful always enough. Help her to know that you are all she needs. If she is tempted to take comfort in anything else may she instead realize how the power of your Holy Spirit allows her to overflow with hope and peace. Nothing on this earth compares to the greatness of knowing you shield her from spiritual attacks. When the enemy attacks or let her faith in you protect her. So she may stand her ground bring your word to her mind, so that she may turn aside his assault which is the satanic assault and fight the good fight. Help her to remember that you give us a victory through Christ. You have conquered and disarmed the spiritual powers and everything is in complete submission to you because at the cross Christine as a new creation and nothing can separate her from your amazing unfailing love. The enemy is defeated. You have crushed his head and built her love. Father, you've loved us first. So much that you sent your son to take our place. How incredible it is to think that while we were sinners Christ died for us nothing we do could ever compare to the riches of your grace. So help Christine to grow first in her love for you. May she be increasingly in awe of your power, beauty and grace. May she know more each day about the depth and width of your love and respond with increasing love her her own. Do you know, if every husband was praying this for his wife a number of times each week, I think I might be out of a job in terms of providing Christian counseling, because there would be such joy and such protection and such comfort in a wife whose husband would be praying these prayers.

Also, in doing this, you are building her love, help her to love me through all of my failures, why learn to love her as Christ loved the church, may we see each other as you see us and may we enjoy fulfilling each other's desires in our marriage. Please give her a growing love for others and all that she does. Show her how to be Christ ambassador in the world, and to be a woman defined by love that others may glorify you. Because of that love, may she share the gospel with everyone. Now, that is examples of specific prayers. I'd like to give four ways that a husband because he is the priest of his family, can lead his wife in a way that the Holy Word of God gives direction to do the first one is to lead with love. The leadership of the godly husband is marked by love. It is talked about in Scripture over and over again a wife will be aware of the deficits within her husband. However, she should not have a reason to doubt the husbands love the husband's love for the children nor the unique commandment of the husband to serve the wife. A husband must be willing to forsake his own desires his own comfort, his own rights in order to express love to his wife. I often will say to my husband, even if it is a day that you are not feeling that you will have time to pray, or you will be able to provide as much reassurance just let her know that it is there. Or that you'll pray tomorrow, or that you have been able to pray during some alone time or maybe in the car that day. It is still comfort in knowing that you want to lead with love, even if in a particular day. The prayer or expressions or love are not as tangible. Also leave with gentleness. 

The godly husband leaves his wife with meekness and gentleness. A godly man will be aware of his own sin and own feelings. The godly husband will lead his wife gently helping her to be aware of her own struggles and weaknesses. Again, I have quoted this verse a couple times because it is so powerful like wives husbands live with your wives and and understanding weights showing honor to the woman as a weaker vessel, since they are hairs with you have the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered. I want so much for my couples to know that their prayers are heard by the Lord God and actually preparing this class. This was this was really like an epiphany to me, that if there is not an understanding way, in terms of our husband is treating his wife with honor or being the weaker vessel that prayers may be hindered and may not be answered in the way in the fullness of the Holy Spirit and with what God would want to take place. Let's make sure that this is happening. Also lead with gentleness and lead with dignity. The Godly husband does not mock or belittle his wife. A Godly husband will not lead to scorn sarcasm, anger or punishment. Lead the wife with special delight in dignity. Lead the wife with an awareness of the husband his servant first or leader second. The Godly husband will do nothing to prop themselves up but everything to show his wife that she is esteemed higher than himself. And lead with confidence. This is a particular challenge today, of course, because we've already said our culture does not necessarily give that confidence to men, especially when they're conditioned to think that they have no business being leaders over their wives. But the Godly husband listened to Scripture above the world and leads his wife confident that God calls him to do just that. A Godly husband released his wife with humble confidence even when the husband is called upon to make difficult or unpopular decisions. Lead with confidence that God is willing and able to bless you for your obedience. I want you to know that in our counseling practice, my husband and I with compassionate Christian counseling lead together. He is a business manager and I'm the clinical director. And there have been times when tough situations have come up. And he definitely brings leadership in our business and I do as well, but also he provides the covering for us in our marriage. And when there have been these tough situations. Immediately when I become aware I started to pray and I might be praying alone. 

Like when I'm in my office or in between a session, but when I get an opportunity to go and ask my husband to come and have prayer, there is a noticeable difference within my spirit. In fact, there was a recent situation where there was a need for more understanding in terms of how we were going to be doing referrals, and how we were going to bring awareness to those in our surrounding communities that were hurting and needed healing to know about our organization. And we went into a specific prayer time, so that there could be an awareness and we would know how God wanted us to let our light shine. And my husband led that prayer time as a priests of our relationship and also as a business manager. And the next day we had record phone calls and intakes more than any other time in the history of our organization. It was amazing. Husbands, you are solemnly charged to pray for your wife. Please never neglect the joy and privilege of interceding for your wife, he who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22 and a prudent wife is from the Lord proverbs 19:14 God has shown marvelous favor to you. Therefore pray for her with all your might while you live, show Christ to her and to the fallen world in this way. Whatever you do for her do not fail or forget to do the best thing. She has a gift to wonderful for you to care for alone. Sovereign grace must guard guide and cover her heart and life