Transcripts for Days 51-60

Day 51 – 60 - Parenting Wisdom and Birth Order Wisdom 

There are 6 Video Transcripts

Video Transcript: Dr. Kevin Leman's "The Birth Order Book" 

You leave home with your birth order and your birth order has an awful lot to do with how you see life. The profession you choose the person you marry. Firstborn children are natural leaders, they're achiever. So that was like wild there and do it in life for sure. In gender, the firstborn daughter is many times a pleaser. The male counterpart is much more into control. And then you look at that second child, that middle child and a family of three, for example, the middle child is opposite of whichever above them in the family. In the business world, your CEOs are firstborn children, your entrepreneurs come from the middle of the pack. Donald Trump has done fairly well in life. Middle child, Donald Trump. Okay. Bill Gates, Microsoft, middle child, hadn't done too shabby either for a college dropout, Steve Forbes, Forbes magazine, Forbes enterprises, middle child in the family, so don't write off those middle children. Then there's a little schnikeys of the family the babies of the family. Check this out. Billy Crystal, Eddie Murphy, Goldie Hawn, Drew Carey, Jim Carrey, Martin Short, Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, Whoopee Goldberg, Ellen Degenerous, Johnson Stewart, and Steve Corral. If I impressed you enough, all what babies in the family. Think of your family, the family who grew up in? What adjective Could you give to your firstborn brother or sister or the middle child or the baby in the family? You see there is a distinct personality that's associated with every child in your family. And check this out. You don't have to be the eldest to be a firstborn. How could that be? Because there's variables in the birth order? Is there a difference in birth order? Yeah. And who sets it up? We do. So who came out of the womb first? No. It's that wonderful relationship, that dynamic relationship that exists between parent and child and children with one another that form the birth order.

Video Transcript: General Wisdom in Parenting and Introduction to Birth Order - Dr. Kevin Leman 

Attitude, behavior, and character. Those are things that people want to focus in on. And kids today, many times get an attitude. And when they get an attitude, the last thing they need from you is an attitude back. But what they need you to do, quite frankly, is to make sure that attitude doesn't get them where they say they want to go or do. And sometimes you just get to a point, we just sort of tune them out. Okay? And they'll watch how they try to engage you in battle. And they'll set traps for you again, they know all your soft spots. Okay? Just like when you and your husband fight. You know, you and your husband fight you know exactly what to say, Oh, honey, no, you go ahead and play golf. No, I know. Yeah, no, you go to to back and play golf, I'll just stay here with your mother. That's a spit in your shoe. 

That means I hope you'll lose your seven iron. Okay, and you got to be on the same page. So if you want the kids to fall in line, it's really important that they look up and see mom and dad that are on the same page. Now if you're a single parent, okay, you're going it alone. And I've talked to a number of you have heard those situations and they're tough. But here's what you got to understand. You're the single parent. And you've got good firm guidelines of how we're going to behave in this family and you stick to that and you don't waver. Your kids got a good shot of making it in life, especially for the mom who's raising sons. Especially for the single dad who's got daughters, because those are the special relationships daddy and daughter and mother and son. Okay, now we talked about letting reality be the teacher. Your nine year old doesn't clean his room, and you're a neat freak. Okay, one of the reasons he doesn't clean his room is because you're a neat freak, by the way. Now you can close the door and not look at it. Shovel it out once a week. Have him shovel it out even better. Okay. Or you can hire eight year old sister to go in and clean it for nine year old brother. You pay for it out of nine year olds allowance. Once he figures out his crummy sister. That's his term not mine was even in his room. You got his attention. 

Okay, so the consequences a little bit like life if you want to get your car wash, go down, have it washed for $8.95. Or you can stay in your driveway and wash it yourself. So why shouldn't the home reflect what life's all about? But I'm telling you kids are on the take. You know, it's the gimi generation America's the gimme generation. Take a look around what's happening in our world. My goodness. You know, we got people on the take every place we go. But it does get interesting, doesn't it? Reactions. Most of us react to things we get angry we get mad. Okay, that never solves a problem. I'll pick on your single moms for a second. You live in a two bedroom apartment. Okay. Bucks are hard to come by, to begin with. You're just trying to make it. You're having breakfast with your nine year old son one morning he looks up at you. He says mommy, I want to pony. A pony, where did you get what I'm telling you? That's a stupidest thing I've heard. What do you get an idea like that? She got a deep voice. I have a bird had your brain. He'd fly sideways. What is wrong? You a pony? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. I'm telling you. I live and breed. That's a reaction. Does that help anything? No. But I'm telling you you can learn to respond. Same situation. Mommy. I want a pony. A pony wow. 

Can you imagine having your own pony? You imagine getting up in the morning getting on that pony going to school? Ride that pony. By the kids at the bus stop. Going down to school. All the kids are getting off the bus not jus you're tying up your pony. Bell rings at lunchtime. All the kids go to school cafeteria, and you got to go check on your pony. Yeah, but we live in apartment. We can have a pony here, kiddo figure it out. I remember wanting to pony when I was a kid. There was contests on TV where if you send in a box top, you know you'd have a chance to win a pony. I mean, I really believed I was going to get a pony someday. one of life's real hurts. Didn't get the pony. But again, keep in mind that these kids will work you. I was in McCormick Place in Chicago, Illinois, was a huge facility. We had this big parenthood thing, people from all over and and I was the keynote speaker for the thing and was one of those moments in life that I'll never forget. And a woman came up to me. I still remember her name. And this goes way back. And I still remember the red sweater she had on and she came up to me after my presentation. Oh, she said this is so good. She says I cannot wait for my kids to misbehave. I am ready for him. And I tell audiences lots of times when you leave, I want you to have that same thought that you're ready. 

You can take these kids on and not feel defeated and bad about yourself. And so anyway I was talking about how kids intuitively know how to get you over the barrel. In situations like there's a telephone call, and it's for you. And somebody actually wants to talk to you on the phone. It's a girl friend you haven't talked to in ages. And I don't know who tells the kids. It's time for the dog and pony show to start. But kids intuitively know that that's it. I was just trying to mimic what that situation was like, Oh, hi, how are you? Yes. Oh, my goodness. It's so good to hear from you. Yeah. Yeah. Could you hand but would you, please? Friday night? Yeah. 

Well, Bob's out of town. What? Could I bring a salad? What could you do? What do you get for I can hardly hear anything. Oh, now. I'm saying you know what, this is your home, you're an adult. You'll be able to have a conversation with your kids without going through this. So I walked him through the whole thing. This is pre email days. And back in those days, this is the time when I was doing shows like Phil Donahue, they would bring the mail in in bins. I got so much mail from people. And I remember going through the mail and I saw this little It looks like a shoe box card. I had this little Chicago suburb on him. And I said to myself, I know who that's from. And I picked it up. And she started her name was Laurie. She's a darling on November mirage. And right in the front row, I had a red flag around. But you were talking about what happened. You know, when the kids and that's afternoon, I came home and coincidence. coincidence, I got a phone call from a girlfriend I have not heard from in ages. And my kids started with you called the dog and pony show. But I did exactly what you said to do. 

I put down the phone without comment. I took Brian and Ainslie. I put them outside. I closed the door and locked it and went back to my conversation. She said here comes the embarrassing part. I forgot about them. She said it was 45 minutes later, I looked through the family room out to the back patio and I saw a little hand on a window. And I said to my girlfriend, can you hang on a minute, I forgot something. And she sent me the note the kids found an old brown grocery bag and they wrote with a look like adult pencil at the top. But I said Mommy, we love you that on the bottom had arrows at over all over. I said can we come in now? Well, this was Chicago in March. So you can imagine it was a little nippy outside. But she went on to say the next time and I sent this back to her I told her to put it in her scrapbook. But she said the next time the phone rang, that the kids came in the central area where the phone was located and sat in opposite chairs with their arms folded. So I'm telling you, it's possible to take the little buzzard by the bait to make things happen to maintain order, okay, without getting sucked in to all the things that they want to get you involved in. Now, we live in a society where if I took a show of hands and said, Okay, how many of you think praise is good for kids? 

Most of you will put your hands up. But I don't want you to feel bad. So I'm not going to ask you to do that. I'm just going to tell you that praise is not good for children. Okay. Now I know that's counter culture. Praise God. All others pay cash. God is worthy of your praise. Your pastor isn't nor is his wife Jan. Has nice as people as they are. They're not worthy of your praise. Okay, if you put them on a pedestal, the only thing they can do is fall off in front of you. Okay, so we talked about encouragement versus praise. On top of that. We have false praise and there's a ton of that. Literally game. Okay. I'm over at Coco's on Broadway having a cup of coffee. I'm reading USA Today they got a feature article on false praise. I talked about false praise for 30 some years. I am so vain. I'm skimming the article looking for my name. I know what's in there. I know it's in there. Got to be in there. Not in there. I go crap. Somebody ripped me off. So I'm reading the article. And they use baseball as an example. I told you, I was a baseball player and I dug right in the article they talked about as a little kid and a little league game was off the bat. He takes three straight pitches and strikes out if you ever been in a little league game and the kid throws three straight pitches over the plate. That's a minor miracle to begin with. 

But the kid strikes out and the young parents behind the fence are yelling great at bat Matthew great at bat, I got news for you Matthew your little loser. It was a lousy at bat. He didn't even swing that don't send me an email about calling the kid a loser. Okay, I'm just saying what would have been helpful is at the end of that game for the parents to come up say hey Matt rough day into play today. How you gonna be home early on Wednesday and Thursday night if you want me to take it down. Throw batting practice to you in the park every morning happy to that would be helpful. 

But now with no effort at all. We believe that if you just blew smoke these kids and tell them about lies about themselves, that somehow they're going to bloom forth nothing could refer them the truth. Now, the difference between praise and encouragement, it's a Saturday morning. You know what Saturday mornings are like for a lot of us, you got to get everything done on one day. And mom's got a dental appointment. And she's driving home and she's thinking about all the things she's got to do. And she thinks of her kitchen, which is a complete mess. Dirty dishes from two nights ago, still in the sink, and she says dead tired as I am. I got so many things I got to do. I'm going to clean that stupid kitchen. First, she walks into a clean, sparkling kitchen, and she's greeted by our 12 year old son who's got a dish towel over his shoulder, and a clean spark and kitchen. She can't believe it. She said Buford, did you clean this up? Sure. Did mom Oh, you are the best boy in the whole world. You know that? Here's $10. And I don't want you to praise them. But you reward them with money. And some people are saying what's wrong with that? At least a kid did it? Well. Okay. Here's the problem the next day. Hey, Mom, where's my $10? What? $10. The $10 for today? What $10 for today? Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen you gave me 10? I cleaned it again today. 

Where's my 10? Now if you want to create a carrot seeker, you got it, just keep doing it. You got enough $10 bills times 365. You got to clean kitchen. Okay, until they want more money. So what I'm suggesting is using encouragement, which is a building block for positive good, healthy self image, if you will, in that same situation. Say honey, and you clean this up? Sure did, Mom, what a thoughtful thing to do. I'll tell you I can't thank you enough. Thank you so much. See, the takeaway is I gave back to the family. And this goes back to the question I want you to answer. Am I really my kid in a home or hotel? Most of us were kids in hotels, which means we give them food service, you know, linen service, delivery service, and we asked nothing of them. Kids need to get back all the Leman kids work. All the Leman kids had jobs. And that's a healthy thing. You know, if you got bucks in the back pocket, it's almost worse. How many of you grew up poor? How many of you are still poor? Yeah. You know what? being poor is is a blessing in life. I think. You know, there's an old song, an old Johnny Matha song called the hungry years. And the essence of the song is this guy yearns for the hungry years when we didn't have a dime. Or it was just you and me. That's a great thought. 

People who struggle, people who don't have things need to rely on what each other. If you got somebody who really loves you, as you are, man, you're a wealthy person. You got good health, the Lord's given you, man, you're blessed. And then so don't worry about these things called children. But we got parents who snow plow the roads alive for children. They pay for far too many things. There's a pastor over in Longview, you'd like this one pastor in Longview, Texas, the kid at age 10 decided he didn't want to go to go to church anymore. It's the pastor's son, I love it. And so the mother was and they're really nice people. And the mom said, Ah, help us out Lima. We got a kid who really he just hates going to church. I said, Okay, how old is he? He's 10 years old. I said, I want you to do something different once you get ready on Sunday, and just leave him home. And she said, what? I said, just get ready to church and you know, go to church and leaving the home. He's only 10 years old not to stay home, you're not going to die. Well, what happened was she called me from Longview, Texas on a Tuesday morning, and she said, Hey, I gotta tell you what happened last Sunday. We, we talked about it. We were a little nervous about it. But we left them home. Guess what? He hitchhiked to church.

But he got the church. When I was a freshman in college, I hit like 6600 miles my freshman year of college. Because I went to college in Chicago, we lived in Buffalo, and I had a girlfriend. That was part of the problem. And you know, I think about how independent I was as a kid. And I wrote myself off as being stupid, dumb, and all those things I told myself looking back, I was pretty entrepreneurial in my life. It's I'm just telling you that these rear end kids is not rocket science. We're gonna take a break here in a minute. And I want to, I've designed this in such a way that we'll be able to talk a little something about birth order and see how that ties in. We're the ones that just tell people what to do. That's our idea of leadership. And rules without relationship lead to rebellion. So either extreme, you know, we talked about the authoritarian parent that knows what's best for you. 

These are people who just rule with the iron fist, you're gonna do what I tell you to do, or you want someone Grandpa, I'll give you some require Bob. Oh, you don't want to take her away. You stay home. You know that one, or the you have the father or the mother had the temper and when they yelled or screamed or did something you'd click your little heels together and your body would tighten up that's being reared in that authoritarian home, way over here, on the other extreme, guess what? You got the permissive parent. These are a dime a dozen on Dr. Leman, Ralph. And I strongly believe that every child should get a trophy, every challenge of being a winner. That's why we've unrolled Melissa, and non competitive soccer. I mean, how do people think of these things? You know, there's something wonderful about learning to lose learning to not get your own way. Anybody who's ever played sports know, there's a winner and a loser. By the way, there's studies done on all these non competitive sports and the kids keep score. That's funny to me. And parents do do far too many things for kids, the kids can be doing for themselves, when you'll get to turn that TV down, and I'm trying to do your homework. And so parents will do the science project for the kids, they do all those kinds of things. That's crazy. 

You know, you There comes a time of accountability, where you say, hey, enough's enough. You have parents who just give kids things and money. And again, if you're blessed with money, you can, you can put the golden road down there for the kid. And in the process, you're gonna weaken that kid, and if he's married, and this wife sees that this kids on the take from his old man or his mom, or his dad, or his grandma who's ever got the source of money, I mean, that's a marriage. It's not gonna, that's not going to make it. So permissiveness reigns, both, what you have to understand is if you bring up your kid in a permissive way, today, he'll rebel. But if you bring up a kid over here at the other extreme, and authoritarian means they'll rebel. So again, little fat wise man, tell us if that doesn't work, and that doesn't work, what works, what works is being in healthy authority over your kid, and you let your kids fail. Failure is important in life, talk to anybody who's successful. There's a guy named Abe Lincoln who failed a lot. And people you know, in turn to rank president, you're gonna find Lincoln up there somewhere in the top five. And there's a guy and all kinds of failure. I mentioned Robert Frost today. Robert Frost, the great poet, the Atlantic says we have, we have no use for your vigorous verse. That's not a compliment friends. He was 39, before he had anything published. 

Again, here's your listening to a guy that graduated fourth and Bibles class in high school. And a lot of people wrote off, I dedicated my very first book to my high school counselor, who told me Layman, I couldn't get you admitted reformed school. So you got these extremes out here. But if you're, if you're too authoritarian, your kids gonna pay for it. And so are you. And again, husband and wife, here's the deal if you got a real autocratic husband, ladies, hey, I'm telling you, this is all we're gonna do it in this house, you understand me, you got that, that parent, you as a woman automatically are going to try to soften things up? Because honestly, John, I think you're internally to rough with the boys. And when you do, you're not helping. I mean, quite frankly, it's better for you both to be authoritarian than for one to be on this extreme and the other on the other. Okay, so rules without relationship lead to rebellion. Now, you firstborn children, let's start with you. How many of your own children just for fun, only children? Welcome only children. We have the perfect ones with us. Here, here's the question for you only children, why were you an only child? I mean, a mom and dad take one look and say, well, that's enough of those.

I'd only child Tell me one night he said, well doc, I think they reached perfection the first time. You know that there's there's some credence to that statement. Now. You firstborn children? Where are you? You're the oldest of your sex in your family. Okay, and I see we got firstborns married. That's pathetic. So you got two people who are married you know exactly what how life ought to be. Your husband is driving he hangs a simple left hand turn. His only his firstborn wife can say is why you're turning here. She's got a better way I got to do is hop on the interstate. You'll be there in a second. The other great shooters and I call those firstborn women, Martha Luthers. Because they're the great reformers. They're always reforming they always have a better idea. Now I'm married to Mrs. Upington, the firstborn. And one day we had this conversation, okay. I said, honey, you're bossy. She didn't miss a beat. She's I'm not bossy, honey. My ideas are just better than yours. How do you beat that? One way firstborns, reliable, conscientious list makers. They don't like surprises their planners and organizers by their nature. Okay. Now, as I described that firstborn, there's firstborns here that aren't vaguely close to that description. Let me describe you to put it bluntly, you're a slob, you're a procrastinator. If we went to your house, you have piles all over your piles a desk at work, you have piles in your home, someone asked you to find something you know exactly which pile to to look at. You can find it with ease. When you screw this person up, move their piles. Now, this is what I know about you this it gets interesting. It's uncanny. 

Because I know you grew up with a critical eyed parent. In other words, a parent who could spot a flawed 50 paces again, they put this in a spiritual sense. God sees all your flaws. And he loves you despite your stupidity. You can be dumb as mud. But see in our humaneness, we see the flaw in other people. Where's the cabinet maker? Is there a guy here? There's a cabinet maker. One, anybody? Put your hand up? There's one right there. All right. Now, this guy can make anything. If you're a cabinet maker. I mean, these guys are skilled craftsmen. Okay. And people will marvel at what he can create with his hands. And people say, you made that gun rack. You made that bookcase, you made that whatever. And he says, Yeah, and they're raving about it. Okay, they're raving about what he made. You know what he's thinking in all probability? If you only knew on the backside of that, there's a flaw. Question, is that true in your life? Yeah. He says, yeah. I mean, these guys have their classic example of what I'm talking about. They can't get perfect enough. And that's tough. Because these guys are skilled. These guys do great things. And yet, you work toward perfection. And perfection is slow suicide. You're never going to get there. So you realize that you're imperfect.

You realize you're incomplete. But the good news is if you're a believer, and you have the power of God in your life, hey, flaunt your imperfection, flaunt it. I tell stories about myself where, you know, I had a whole pumpkin pie in one sitting. You know, it's a funny story. I don't have time to tell it. But I ate the whole pumpkin pie. I always tell people I say well, that's my imperfection. What's yours? We're an imperfect lot of people. Think about people you really like in life. I mean, I've hung out with some of the big stars, you know. But you know, the guys I really like and like Bill Cosby. I hung out with Cosby for a whole day. I had on myself for about 40 minutes, just the two of us alone. And it was awesome. But you know what he cared about other people. He took time with other people. You know, he didn't see himself as better than other people. Regis Philbin, there's another one. 

I'll give you the flip side, Barbara Wawa, not one of my favorite people in life. Again, she thinks her doodoo is raspberry sorbet. But again, are those the kind of people that you're drawn to know you like people who are down to earth, people who just you know that they try not to be what they're not. And so you want to have that kind of an attitude, you're drawn toward those people, but firstborn see themselves as only counting alive when they're in control, when they dominate when they when they're highly competitive people. Okay, there are astronauts in outer space, the first 23 21 firstborn children, our last election where they're trying to find a republican or run against Obama, there were nine of them running. Eight of the nine were first born or only born children. So our leaders in a natural sense, our firstborn children, and their first cousins, only children are little adults by age seven, their joy in life is sneaking into adult company. And just being able to listen, they love that. So then you got the first two kids in the family who are night and day difference. So whatever the firstborn is, the second born isn't. But that slob I talked about that one has the critical eyed parent who is good at finding the flaw. So rather than risk, ridicule or failure, they don't complete the task. These are people who are always late, by the way. 

They're always late for appointments. They're never on time. See, they sabotage themselves. They're like the person who is swimming in the deep end of the pool. And I come by and say, Hey, get moving. And they say, What are you blind? You can see, can see my legs moving my arms moving? I say, Yeah, I see that. But you're not going anywhere. There's people like that in life that go nowhere. They just talk a good game. You want to move forward, you want to see progress, like playing golf. You ever play golf, and you hit a golf shot out there and you turn back and look at the tee. You know, it looks further and you say wow, I hit it that far. I'm convinced. So some of us have to do sometimes stop in life, see where we were, and see where we've come and realize that with God, he's enabled us. He's given us these gifts, whatever they are. Do we have frailties and flaws? Yeah. But he's allowed us to do what we do. What better to be a teacher I always wanted to teach at the university. And I taught part time and I was an administrator, administration and faculty don't always get along. That shouldn't be a surprise to you as an education. But when I tried to do full time teaching, I had the door slammed in my face in 1981. And I went out on my own. I remember after the first year I turned in, my wife said, Honey, we're going to be okay. 

Because I had just done my income tax. So my income went up 10 times in one year. I look back, I say, you know, God, I am so thankful you allowed me to do what I do, because now I get to teach all over the world. I don't do. I don't correct papers. I don't give grades. I just do what I love to do. And that is trying to teach people how to do life a little bit more simply than others. So now the firstborns rule, okay, they're the bossy suckers. Okay? They have to achieve they have to win they have to dominate. The next one comes along ought to be like a manatee who just sort of slide through life. Where are our middle children? Here? You're in the middle. You have same sex kids on both sides. You those are your true middles. Okay. Let me say something you never heard in life before. Honey, what do you think? To a middle child doesn't hear that? Because the firstborn dominates. And then the baby the family the thing? How many of you are babies in the family? Little schnikeys? Would you admit you knew how to get around your older brother and sister? Well, we got two babies married. Now, that's interesting. Did you pay the electric bill?

I thought you plan you're lucky. Where are the candles? I don't know. You know babies Billy Crystal, Eddie Murphy. Drew Carrey Jim Carrey Martin Short Chevy Chase, l&d generous Whoopi Goldberg, Jon Stewart, Steve Cole bear, Jimmy Fallen. Jay Leno. The list goes on Joan Rivers, all babies of the family. What is about us babies of the family. And by the way, do babies of the family do lifelike firstborns? Do they play by product? Remember I told you business people read the birth order book. I meant that because a firstborn when he buys a car, or she buys a car reads consumers report, Car and Driver magazine, all those kind of things. They tend to be detail oriented us babies, we walk in a car lot and say such things as she has Shazam. Here's some for you. I'm going out to dealers to buy underwear one night. And I'm walking out and Park Mall. The year is 1980. I'm still at the university. 

Okay. And this watch is under a high intensity lab. This is a gold watch. It's got 48 diamonds on it. It's under a high intensity lap and I'm walking by this jeweller and it gets my attention. And I go up to the showcase. I'm outside I'm outside. And I'm going Shazam, that is a watch. And I'm looking at it so intently that the woman clerk comes out of the store and stands next to me and she sort of startles me and she says isn't that a beautiful watch? All Yeah, only check out beautiful it's on sale. Now I want you understand this is 1980 it's on sale for $3850, it's a $5,000 watch. Okay, do I look like a person that wears a dress watch? I wear this thing fishing. I wear it every day. It's a reminder of how stupid I could be. I put it on an American Express card. I got a $4,000 credit limit. Okay, so I buy the dumb thing. I can't wait to show it to my wife. So finally I get enough nerve to show it to her. At her her official comments he I said she said what is that? And I said that's my watch. Don't you love it? She says that is the tackiest thing I've ever seen. And then, as God would have it, it stopped working.

It stopped working. I thought this is my out. I see babies jumping over bull feed, then ask questions later, I got an out the stupid thing doesn't work. So I take it back. The lady who sold it to me isn't there but the store managers there. He said well let me I want to return this watch. It doesn't work. He said well, let me take a look at it. He says Hmm, I see the problem. He didn't wind it. Did you got a wine the watch? $3850 bucks, you got to wine the watch? So on the back of it, it's engraved. For those of you who understand fine movies, maybe you'll know what movie this comes from. And I'm reading it to you. It says can I have your watch when you are dead? Who knows what movie that's from? Can I have your watch when you were dead? 1985 movie. Yes. 

The Three Amigos finest movie ever made. It says yes, I love you. And I told my son someday, Kevin, this is going to be yours. He took it. I gave it to him for Christmas in a package and he went like this. And he put it on his arm. And he had a long sleeve shirt on. He said, Dad, I'll treasure this forever. Well, you know, humor. Stupid, I've done some stupid things in life. Like that's one of the dumbest things I ever did in life. When I think of what I could have done with $3850 put it into a watch. But the thing just fell out of it. The little thing you set it with, you know. So anyway, that's us babies. But see, I need the firstborn to help straighten me up. But Mrs. Upington, I'm telling you, if if I had you guys, if I had pastor and Jan or for dinner, I'm telling you, it was a Saturday night dinner. Okay. It would start on Thursday. The table would be set on Thursday. It's sacred it might as well say this do in remembrance of me on the side of it. Now Wendell and Cindy, you been to my house am I lying. I mean, my wife is gonna have I mean, she's gonna have it's all there and I get in trouble for going near the table. You know, my big job is a wipe out the water glasses on Saturday night. But she will make from scratch, a big heart shaped cookie, and she'll put it on a plate with your names on it. Okay, Zane and Jan. Now, I gotta tell you, that is stupid.

And the time that she will put into doing all that, okay, but but that's her. But so she she's the firstborn that gets all upset about these, these little stupid things. And she needs me. But my point is that we look at relationships. It's the differences that make us a couple. So don't sweat the differences realize that that's what makes you a team. And as the kids look up, they see the team is on the same page, even though they're different. That's what's going to grow those kids in the right direction. Too simple as that. So babies are manipulative, social, outgoing, never met a stranger. I told the story about talking my way into Disney World. Nine free tickets four on the front part. And five, when I made the clothes, the guy gave me nine tickets at 180 bucks a piece. I talked my way into it. That is a skill that a baby of the family can have. 

Because babies do their whole life getting around other people. Where firstborns are much more likely to just you just playing the game of life the way it's supposed to be played. Then there's your middle children. Nobody ever paid attention to you. You were squeezed between the crown prince or princess. your little brother sister who got away with murder or everything. Okay, so you guys negotiate for everything you ever had in life. You never had mom and dad do yourself. Okay? You got your brother's hand me downs your sister's hand me downs. Okay. And middle children are the toughest to pin down in birth order. Okay. And you know, if you by the way, if you look at people in the Bible, this is interesting. Esau love the outdoors. But Jacob was a quiet man who stayed at home. As the boys grew Esau became a skilful Hunter. 

Why Jacob was a quiet sword who liked to stay at home Genesis 25:27. So we're all different. You know, we're all different. Treat people differently. Watch your expectations. When you compare a kid a kid just does something for the first time. Your second born just did something. You know how kids will say in the summertime. Watch me watch me watch me they do something for the first time. And you say to your husband Oh, Jack, ma'am. Do you remember when? When Johnny did that? What if you just told the kid? You told him what he just did for the first time his older brother did two years earlier. So watch those comparisons. So treat people differently. But birth order. Have you ever ridden on Southwest Airlines? I love this example. You had fun on Southwest Airlines. It's a fun airline. They'll give you the FAA you know, safety thing and you'll hear some great ones on there. There's some really funny things on that. Well, a guy Herb Kelleher, who is our chairman and CEO, I had the privilege of interviewing and get to know he's the baby of four boys. He's a hoot and a holler. He's a guy who gets on the airplane and passed out peanuts to passengers and stuff. His imprint is all over that airline. 

But let's check this out at Southwest the customer isn't always right. Should have interesting airline. I was in Las Vegas once at the counter and a guy was making a fool of himself. There's some people will do when they're irate over an airline thing. The guy comes over who had a supervisor jacket on, he handed this guy cash and he said I was there I heard it. He said, fly another airline I just canceled your reservation. Southwest the customers not always right. There's times is a family member is a mom or dad, we gotta understand. Sometimes you have to do that to your kid. Fly another airline, talk to the hand. I'm not interested in your dog and pony show. flat out I don't believe you. Okay? In sometimes you have to say that when I was a dean of students had a young kid who was arrested for stealing a craft relish thing from 7-11. And they nailed him that he was dealt with in the city courts and all that. And that same kid came and he asked me for a letter of recommendation about two weeks after this event. His name was Steve, I'll never forget this kit. I said, Steve, I'd be more than happy to put in writing that you're a thief, if that would be helpful for you. I'd be glad to do that. And you could have taken this little freshmen and blown them over with a feather. You know, but that kid came back in his senior year, I wrote a great recommendation for that young man.

He paid for his sins. Did he make a mistake? Yeah, I made a lot of mistakes. I mean, I remember traveling across the country, and forgetting to pay in any of the restaurants I ate in from Tucson all the way to Buffalo, New York. And my 1954. Okay, I remember cheating in school, I'd still be in Latin one if it wasn't for a guy named Carl Mas, a Mas lawyer left shoulder. And I've done a lot of things in life I'm not proud of. But you get to a point where you know, it's grace. 

Grace exists because we need it. Okay. But look at God's family. Look at the family you grew up in. Look at your brothers and sisters. Look how different we all are. So we get hung up because people aren't like us. They're people who are the same? Well, that's by design. Now we sit in the first row of the airplane. I've watched people get on on the airplane. I love to I love to sit there and watch people. And I notice how different they all are. Wow. That's the God we serve. You know? The creation the universe that the closest star is four light years away from us. How big is your God? He's a pretty cool big God. He been around forever. He had no beginning. He created us in this universe. And here we are. 23 and a half degrees. There are access. I mean, right now we're moving. Okay. There we are. Perfect. Move at one way, this way. One out. Just one degree. We'd fry one degree this way we'd freeze to death is God who He said He was. You find his words on the cross. Jesus words on the cross in Psalm 22. King David pen those words, okay. He's got, he made all of us. You don't have to be like somebody else. You just gotta be you. Do you have your pluses? You do have your pluses. Do you have your minuses? Yes. Other times you want to kill your children? I hope so. I mean, there's times people asked me, Do you ever think of divorcing your wife, No.

Murder several times. I told my kids you find her dead. I did it. I mean, she's done some incredible things I told you about driving through the garage door. That's just one of the things she did. Then plenty of things like that. We have one daughter that's very similar to her. I remember dropping her off at school and morning and she walked out and get her backpack on her flute came out. Then a book. Then another book, she kept walking. Well, God is my judge. He was a grace Christian school and Pima. I remember extending my hand like this and just saying, Lord, keep your hand on Hannah. You know, she's the marketing manager for a huge ministry today in Chicago, Illinois. she deals with people in Zambia, Africa, I'm sure I'm gonna get I'm gonna get to a little African grandchildren. She's I think she's gonna adopt a couple kids. I told her, I said, find one that looks like me. None of my kids appreciate my sense of humor. That's all there is to it. But the point is, you know, we're all different. But let me take you to where the rubber meets the road with this thing about ruin kids. And it gets to the point that you only have a short window. And you know, we live in New York State in the summertime and, and our daughter Holly was very, very bright. She's the principal by the way over at Ford School. 

She's married to Dean we love Holly and she's very competent English teacher by trade. I mean, there's a kid who was a voracious reader, but she went to a place called Grove City College, which is one of money magazine's Top Best Buys and American education. But to get in the door, the place you need an ACT score of 34 or more. If you only need about that, that's really high. You gotta be bright. Anyway, she gets in it. And we live two and a half hours north of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where she went to school in this little town at Grove City. And all summer long. I sort of jab Mrs. Upington with honey pretty soon you're gonna have to say goodbye to your little firstborn. And whenever I brought it up, she'd cry. She go like this. Oh, oh, I don't want hung up on it. Lamy I want to talk about and throughout the summer, I'd give her a little jab once while honey, four weeks from today, we're going to take Cali to school Honey, I know one time and she'd tear up in retrospect, I know why acted like that baby, the family who was tantalizing big sister. And by the way, I woke up my sister one morning with a juicy Night-crawler. And I was just touching her nose as she was sleeping. That's one of her vivid memories. Inspect cheese at my house, over on the east side right now. But anyway, the day comes when you have to take that daughter to college. It's an interesting experience. Have you ever taken a kid to school? It's an interesting ride. Because it certainly brings you to that precipice in life. When you realize, hey, this is a new journey. 

This is a new chapter. And we took two cars to get all the freshmen stuff there we pull into Grove City and they have big sign men this way women is where we pull up most of the dorm. And, and boys about 15 or 20 of them empty those cars in seconds. And these boys all had blue button down shirts on. And I figured out quickly these guys are checking out the freshmen Phillies, you know who are coming into the female dorms. I'm sure that we're just service oriented young people helping university but being a man that thought did cross my mind. Well, anyway, if you've ever done that you meet a lot of people, you're welcomed by far too many people you forget half their names. But then you get to the point where your kid is going to live in this little cubicle called a dorm room. And you meet the stranger that your daughter is going to live with. And then you meet the strangers parents. And then you get to this point, and I'm gonna forget it because Holly began the process of saying goodbye. And I found myself all of a sudden just saying, a freaking out I felt claustrophobic. And I said, Not here. Not here. I said, and I ran out of the out of the dorm. I just had to get out of there. I didn't realize at the time what was happening to me. But I knew it was coming that we were going to say goodbye. Now I'm the one that's killed my wife all summer long about saying goodbye. And all of a sudden, my heart starts fluttering. I feel nervous. 

I don't know what's happened to me. And so I'm walking like this typical male 50 yards in front of my wife and daughter, who are walking in harmony like this on the sidewalk, okay, then they come up behind the dorm wherever the car is. I'll never forget this moment, because now they've stopped moving. And now they're both five, nine. And they're doing this thing back and forth. Just a gentle rock in the sun is in my wife's face. And I can see the tears streaming down her face. I remember thinking, don't come here. Stay right there. Because I can't handle any of this. And of course, as soon as I had the thought she released her mother and made a beeline for me. When she comes up to me like this is Daddy, I love you so much. And she puts her arms around me and all of a sudden friends. I lost it. And I started to cry. And my whole body. Gentlemen, have you ever cried like this? Your whole body does this sort of jerking motion. And she looked up at me. She said, Daddy, I don't think she ever saw me profusely cry like that. And the weird thing about it was people ask me, what was the strangest thing that ever happened to you in parenting? This is it. You're about to hear it. And I'm sitting there and I'm crying. 

Okay? And my tears are falling on Holly's front. Okay, and it's amazing what you think about in this moment, but I'm sitting there. I'm just gutting it out. The tears are flowing down my face. They're falling on her. And all of a sudden, when I thought it was Holly Leman's bra, not the bra she had on, but the bra that I stepped on one morning when I'm getting ready for work. I'm getting ready for work. I'm in my room. I stepped on something. It had some metal thing in her song caught my attention my foot and I thought what the heck is I kicked it and I picked it up. I don't make these things up. I didn't know what it was. I figured it was my wife something. But I couldn't imagine where it would go. So I went around the racket. My wife says, honey, what is this? She said honey, that's Holly's bra. She's 10 years old. I said she's got a bra. This is what he goes through, grow up and become a bra some day. It was what they call a training bra. And again, she had nothing to train. And I want you to understand I'm holding my, my 18 year old daughter in a parking lot. 

My tears are falling on her and I'm saying to myself, you can't be all grown up. You have I taught you everything I need to teach you about life. Are you really ready to be on your own? In true male fashion? I said, Holly, you need to leave. And I took her little waist. She's built like her mom, and I just sort of twisted her like this. You know what she did? She took off for the dorm. And she didn't turn back. And she didn't look back and just before she disappeared, I yell, honey call tonight honey, she never looked back. She did this over a shoulder. Like see you and disappeared. I looked at Mrs. Upington, get outta here. We drove up highway 79 was miserable. There was a part I felt like somebody just stuck a knife in here and the little twist turn for effect. We drove up by 79. And for 20 - 25 minutes of time, we wouldn't speak a word to each other. I'd cry she cries give me some more Kleenex. I blow my honker. I mean, it was miserable. We stopped at a red lobster had a dead fish. Nothing helped. Nothing helped. Drove home to our summer place in New York. And and I like a darn fool. I'm sitting there. I know she's gonna call me. She knows I go to bed early 10 o'clock. I'm done. I'm sitting there waiting for the phone ring. It doesn't rain. doesn't ring a next day either. Long story short, it doesn't rain for a week. 

Next Sunday, the following Sunday. And the one thing I did right, former dean of students. I didn't call her I waited for her to call which was a good thing. But you know that Sunday afternoon she called I heard that little voice. emotionally. I could have crawled through that phone wire. I mean, I was so excited to hear your voice. We heard all about freshman week, Three Rivers what's you know what Pittsburgh's like at night when you compute the tunnels and all that we got toward the end of the conversations, Holly, I got to ask you some money. When you walked away last week. What were you thinking about? She said, Oh, Daddy, it's funny. I was thinking about that this week. I said, What were you thinking about? I was thinking about the fact that you will mommy had brought me up right? And now it was my turn to go and do it in life. Now I asked you. Isn't that what training up a child is all about? And aren't they all different? You know, his little kids. Holly, if you gave her a treat, we'd sit there and she'd study things. She'd read the back of the labels of eight, six and seven. She looked for the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. Her younger sister Chrissy, the first rubber lizard she saw she had to have it. These kids are night and day different. They still are night and day different.

Well, about, I guess had been eight or nine years. I was closing a seminar in Phoenix and an auditorium with about 3000 people in it. And we're coming to this this point where you know, this is what parenting is all about. And I was sharing with this audience is very story and a woman young woman started walking down the side way down the very extreme part. I gave a quick look. And I thought to myself, that looks like Holly, that was my first thought the next kid looked like Holly, and I kept talking and she kept coming closer and closer. It's Holly Holly's here. When she was in Phoenix. I didn't know she was in Phoenix. She was speaking she was in the audience. And she comes right up on stage and I got a lapel mic right here. And she comes up to me on stage and she gets on stage ever because her standing ovation. I've been working like a dog. They're sitting, you know, I'm saying she walks up. It's Holly here. They all get on their feet and applaud Holly's coming was they can hear every word she says. And she says only a firstborn daughter can say she said, Daddy, you need to learn to tell that story. Right? I said, Honey, I did tell her right. What do you talk about? She said no. She shows her something. I have to tell you. I've never told you. I said what? She said, I've been turned around because I was crying. And I didn't want you and mommy to think that I couldn't make it in life. Then that hit home here. See your kid needs you to believe in your kid. And their dreams and aspirations are all in different areas. Some you got kids I've talked to you break time aren't doing all that. 

So are just smoking weed. 16 years of age, they're cool. They watch them TV. You don't hover over them. Maybe they're gonna get it someday. Maybe the Marine Corps is gonna help that kid who knows. But we all grow differently. And God's timing is unique. You need to pray for those kids for their protection because they're so stupid. And when they're in that age group, and I mean stupid because they'll drink and drive and they'll do draw. I mean, they run you know, get people pregnant. I mean All kinds of things gonna happen. Think about it. But isn't this what? Training up a child's all about? That you let them go? And I'll tell you, there's nothing better than understanding you gave it your best shot. Are you going to do this thing called being a parent perfectly? No, but none of us are perfect. That's the cool thing about it. Then you let go and let God. You know, I never been a bumper sticker person. There's certain bumper stickers just drive me up the wall. Things like caution in case of rupture, this car will go unman. I would personally like the punch the Christian out. Who has that bumper sticker? Of course, I'm a Christian loving why. But I love the one that says Christians aren't perfect. They're just forgiving. So with everything we do at raising kids, forgiveness rains, Grace rains. 

Why? Because the Bible teaches if we don't forgive other people, guess what? God isn't gonna forgive us. So you train them up, you do the best you can. The reality is that God gave your kid and my kid freewill. They can say, stick in your God, I went to a party. Or they can say, Lord, I need you in my life. I spoke here Sunday morning. In second service, we had what 25 people come down here whose lives are going to change because they made that life changing decision that Lord, I am going to follow your way. And all of us come to that precipice in life or it's either your way and you're going to do it by yourself, or you're going to be submissive to your Eternal Father. And in the flesh, Jesus is Lord of your life. Well listen, for five minutes over, we pride ourselves on starting on time and ending on time. We do our best, but my thanks to pastor Zane and his staff and the people who've been great here. Those of you who missed the national championship tonight, especially you manners should be applauded. Ladies, if your husband is a sports freak. He's given up this game to be with you tonight. Not to tell you what to do. But it seems to me in a very natural way. Not being one who really believes in rewards per say. But I'll just plant that little seed in your brain. As I say, Good night and God bless each of you. Goodnight. Thank you for being here.

Video Transcript: Birth Order Insights from Kevin Leman 

The pastoral care conversation starts when someone's born. And it even begins in what order? Were they born? We're going to talk now about birth order. Dr. Kevin Leman is one of the international experts on this. And this is how he starts. Think of your family as a tree. Your mom and dad or mom or dad, if you're from a single parent family form, the trunk of the tree, the children in the family are the branches. Have you ever seen a tree where all the branches are growing in the exact same direction? The same is true with children. One of the best predictions in life is whatever the first part of the family is, the second born in the family will go in the opposite direction, like a tree in opposite directions. So when we think about family birth order, it makes a lot of sense toward all the relationships in your life. Yes, birth order makes sense. After all, how else can three or four, and even eight little cubs in one family be so different, yet come from the same den? Birth order is simple. But it's not simplistic. There are standard birth order rules. And there are also exceptions to the standard birth order rules. Both of which we'll talk about in this book. However, the exceptions are explainable when you understand how birth order works. Even the exceptions develop because of when you were born in your family. So that's what we're going to talk about. Why should you care about birth order? birth order can give you some important clues about your personality, your relationship with friends, co workers and loved ones, the kind of job you have and how you handled problem solving. birth order is really the science of understanding your place in the family line, where you born first, second, third, or even further down that line, wherever you landed, it has affected your life in countless ways. And as the pastor or leader or Christian leader, scene who were someone was born is very important. It's fascinating. For me, in my pastoral care over the years, when I meet someone, I want to know where they are in the family. 

I've been asked where were you in your birth order, and they'll tell me stories. In the moment I hear like a first or second or third. If they act that way, that kind of helps me relate to them. It gives me sort of a way to go further. Now if they act contrary to the typical guidelines of birth order. Then I asked myself, why is that? Again, no one will fit exactly every pattern. Here are the general firstborn traits. Perfectionistic, reliable, conscientious, a list maker, well organized, hard driving, a natural leader, serious, critical, scholarly, logical, doesn't like surprises. While and they're often techies. Reliable and conscientious. They tend to be the list makers, the black and white thinkers, they have a keen sense of right and wrong and believe there's a right way to do things. They are natural leaders, and achievement oriented. Those are the general firstborn traits. Here's the middle ones. They're often mediators, compromising diplomatic, avoid conflict, independent, loyal to peers have many friends, a maverick, secretive, used to not having attention. Then there's also more about middle children. They're the hardest to pin down of all the birth orders, but they'll be the opposite of the child above them in the family. If the firstborn is born is very conventional. The second born will be unconventional. Middle children walk to the beat of the different drummer, they are competitive loyal, began friendships. Being the middle child means living in a sort of anonymous haziness. Dr. Kevin Leman says, also, but that's not all bad. If a middle child is anonymous, he can get away with occasional laziness, and indifference.

He's not pushed as hard or expected to accomplish quite as much as the one who came before him. The drawback is that without being pushed, he may never fulfill his potential. The middle child of the family is often the negotiator who tries to keep the peace. Now let's talk about the last borns. Well, they're often charming, blames others, attention seeker, tenacious people, person, natural salesman precocious, engaging, affectionate, loves surprises, some people call last born's of manipulative you know you notice a last born often because they're just like the life of the party they know how to just be funny in a hurry. They are social outgoing creatures have never met a stranger they are uncomplicated, spontaneous humor, higher on people skills, to them life life's a party, they're most likely to get away with murder. Now in America, when we say get away with murder, it means that you know, they're not held accountable to things that a firstborn in the family would be held accountable to. It doesn't mean they literally get away with murder, no one gets away with murder, and least likely to be punished. They often retain their pet name. That's the last born. But there's also a flip side to being the youngest. Although they're the little star in the family constellation. It's no fun being the smallest because it means I spend a lot of their time wearing hand me downs that are ragged, incredibly out of style or too big being the youngest also means they get picked on from time to time and maybe called an unflattering nickname. There's also one more in the birth order that we should look at. And that's the only children really they're little adults by age seven. Very thorough, deliberate, high achievers, self motivated, fearful, cautious, voracious reader black and white thinkers, talks in extremes can can't bear to fail, has very high accept expectations for self more comfortable with people who are older or younger. 

Books are their best friends, they work independently, and they can't understand why kids in other families fight. Now if we look at these I want to Dr. Feddes makes a disclaimer here. Notice that regarding each major birth order, I always qualify the characteristics by saying good bet chances are not all characteristics fit every person in the birth order. In fact, a firstborn may have baby characteristics a last born can sometimes act like a firstborn in certain situations, certain areas, and middle children can seem to be firstborns. I've often seen only who you'd swear are the youngest children. There are reasons for these inconsistencies. So even though we're talking about these things, understand that these are conversations that can bring insights for healing as we learn who we are and where we are in the family. So here's the beginning, the basic birth order. And there's an assignment that you're going to read in this week that sort of helps you go deeper into some of these characteristics. And know again, that this is not a science that is behavioural predictive in every situation. But as we go through this, you're going to more and more see how important it is to know some of these characteristics and they can be very helpful in helping you to have pastoral care conversations.

Video Transcript: The Variables of Birth Order, Part 1 

We talked about birth order. And now we're going to talk about some variables in two presentations. Part One, part two. And these variables are need to be taken into consideration. But even the variables are conversations that bring you insights. So let's talk about the variables of birth order. Here are some of them. Variables for birth order include spacing, the number of years between children, in your family or in your family that you were born into, the sex of each child, and in what sequence male and female are born physical, mental, or emotional differences. Yes, even genes are important. Sibling death, which if occurring early caused the child to bump up to the next part of the birth order. 

They also include things like adaptions, which may or may not have an effect on birth order, depending on how old the child is when adopted the birth order position of each parent because for example, firstborn parents usually run a much different and tighter ship than the last born. The relationship between parents the parenting style they use as they pass on the personal values to their children. These are all variables in birth order. These variables may also include whether or not one of the parents has a critical eye. Because constant criticism takes its toll, the blending of two families due to divorce or death, because for example, in a step family certain birth order, certain birth orders often get stepped on. So variables are common. But some people act and appear very different from their original birth order. And even when children seem to fit the typical descriptions of their original birth order, that's first, second or whatever, they can exhibit characteristics of other birth orders. That's where the variables come in, they can cause a child born in one birth position to function at least in part, with characteristics of another birth position. In the often the reason why is a very interesting conversation. 

So let's talk about some of these variables. Let's first of all talk about spacing, and obvious and crucial birth order variable in any family is spacing, when each child arrives, whenever you think of spacing, you should include the phenomenon called dethronement of the firstborn, which happens the minute the little brother or sister comes into the world. Until that moment, the firstborn has been number one, the apple of everyone's eye, suddenly, there is another little apple on the branch, it is smaller, cuter and new to the family tree. The firstborn is no longer the only one who's special. And he may suffer some serious self esteem problems. If his parents don't make sure they let him know that he is still loved very, very much. Many parents try to have children two years apart. Actually, Dr. Leman believes three is ideal. But the best laid plans often go away gaps of five or six years, more in the space of children can create another family, I can say since the other variables may come into play, for example, with with the five year gap between me and my older brother, I could have started a second family and become a functional firstborn.

But other things intervened. To show you how a second family can occur. Let's look at the example below. And then what he talks about is several examples of that. And I'm not going to get into that if you want to buy this book, the birth order book, you can read deeply into all of these examples, I highly recommend the birth order book. Anyway, the gender variable is another variable. Another time the second born, is the same sex of the firstborn, there often is friction. So anytime the first second born is the same sex as the firstborn, there's often friction that creates a variable. When sex differences create someone special, it can pressure the child immediately above or below that special person. So again, these are variables to keep in mind. Role reversals is another variable. A role reversal is when two children do something of a flip flop. And there are reasons and conversations on why these role reversals happen. That as a pastor, Christian leader, Counsellor, chaplain, sometimes those are interesting. So if you see a first born acting just like last born in the second child acting just like a firstborn, that's a conversation worth getting into. And there's probably something very interesting, maybe some insights will occur for brain health to this family if needed. 

Multiple births. Another important variable in birth order is multiple births, which have been happening more often in recent years, especially with the advancement of science. The usual multiple birth that we've seen, down through the years is, of course, twins. And twins are always special. Twins are usually very aware of who is the firstborn, one of them will let you know that he is older, even if it's by as little as one minute. So that's another multiple variable that can come in understanding birth order, give child factor. The truth is same with kids and families. If you have kids in higher position in the family who do very well, the next in line might think, hey, what's the use of even trying, I can't measure up to what's been accomplished. And I've seen this as a pastor over the years I've seen where you have a very gifted firstborn, and then that second born gets so frustrated, they become very rebellious, and they sort of can't live up to the firstborn shoes. 

I've also seen that the second born tries to keep up. And in keeping up there's great stress in this second born life, because they're trying to keep up and ultimately they get more and more in despair, and they don't love who God made them that their point of reference in their whole childhood is keeping up with that other child. Deaths are another variable. Suppose a family has two sons and a daughter. In age four, the older boy dies of spinal meningitis, leaving behind his two year old brother is six months old sister, the two year old takes over the firstborn role and grows up that way. While little sister who was actually born, a baby of the family grows up as a firstborn girl. So devs have a factor in family life. And you will find that as a Christian leader, things can change after the death of a child. Here's another one second, suppose the oldest child in the family dies at the age of 12, in an automobile accident, his 10 year old brother assumes the firstborn role, and is suddenly given first born assignments or responsibilities. But is he really a firstborn? No, for 10 years, he grew up as a second board content not to challenge his older brother for supremacy in the family. Now he's getting a lot of pressure that he really doesn't want, and has no idea how to cope with because he has no experience in that area. Another point that needs to be said here too, is you become more confident, inexperienced in the role you are in your family. And if all of a sudden something changes that can bring stress.

Dr. Kevin Leman talks about a variable when it comes to adoption. I also advise parents not to adopt a child who is older than any biological children they already have at home. That's interesting. The adopted intruder may have a negative effect on the child directly beneath him or her. For example, suppose a couple has a three year old child and decides to adopt a child who is five, what happens, their three year old has been knocked off his only child mountaintop, or firstborn Mountain Time, for that matter, and now has to contend with some bigger and smarter. Always remember the principle which applies in this case, generally speaking, we are affected influenced the most by whoever is directly above us in the family. When an older when an older adopted child comes into the family, he or she is bound to collide with a biological child directly below his age. So if you're helping a family and they're thinking about adoption here, it'd be nice a little principle just to share Hey, you know, I've heard Dr. Kevin Leman say that when you adopt adopt someone lower in the birth order, then your oldest child you know these variables come in, there are many more variables and as we keep talking about variables, you will see that even the variables are conversations which help you in ministry.

Video Transcript: The Variables of Birth Order, Part 2 

We continue our discussion going just a little deeper into variables of birth order. Now, let's say you're a parent in order, you're guiding parents, here's some good questions to ask, What is your birth order as a parent? Which child shares the same birth order? In what ways do you tend to over identify with in favor of that child? How well keeping this tenancy in mind help you balance your actions and responses to all your children. Now, in my family, you know, after renounce Kevin Leman stuff and being truly a last born, you know, I will, in fact, our conversations smarter with people smart thing if I meet people, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, say they may ask me a few things that I might joke about my birth order, and they'll joke about their birth order, and we'll have some conversations. But over time, I probably attempt have been too proud about my last born birth order. Because, yeah, I like being fun. I like sort of being the, you know, center of attention. And, and I was the last of four, I have three, above me two brothers and a sister. And my sister was good at nurturing me and being a mommy to me, and all these are things So hey, I really get into that, that was fun, had a great childhood, fun childhood. By the time I came along, my parents had more resources. You know, I got with my father when I was a teenager, and he then a card, and my brothers and older brothers, were like, shocked, you know, how I have so many things that they didn't get to do and all of these things. 

So now here, here comes life, and I'm having my own family. And in I sort of play with that a little bit. And sometimes I go over the top, I'm to proudful, I know I am. It's just sorted so that I have a last born. So now this last born, you know, I'll say, oh, okay, you know, she got an iPhone earlier, or a cell phone earlier than all the other ones did. And, you know, do I have a little bit of an eye that allows her to get away with more things that the other ones didn't get away with? On the other hand, my wife is a middle child. And you know, and she sees the excesses of having a last born in her own family growing up. So she sort of watches me that I'll go over the top. And if I do, she sort of lets me know, in the bedroom very kindly, like, you know, you know, stop this, like last born stuff. And now, I bring up this whole conversation about me, because that's what Dr. Leman is getting to, it's like, Look, each of you are going to parent, if you're a parent, sort of out of the perspective of your own birth order. It's a variable does a critical parent live in your house. Now, there's a good example of that. So maybe someone was critical. They were raised in a critical family, and now their baby, an oldest child, and they're very critical. 

You know, here's some of the signs to watch for your child procrastinates. And everything she does, your child draws a picture tears it up telling you it's no good. Your child reduces homework several times, a civil half hour homework assignment takes four hours, nothing is ever good enough. You redo projects your child does, for example, you make the bed he has already made. Now, there's another example of the parenting side, maybe you as a parent, are very critical. And that's going to create a variable in the whole birth order understanding as well, because now a critical parents sort of night Trump some of the normal firstborn, second born third board types of things. Dr. Leman points out this one thing that I think is very interesting, but suppose the Father has a critical eye, and is very demanding and exacting. There is a good chance he could destroy his firstborn daughter, and his son will become the true firstborn, the favored firstborn in the family. First born girls who grow up under a very perfectionistic critical father are often hard on themselves, and put themselves in situations that aren't healthy as they look for love, affirmation, acceptance that they did not get from their own father, when such a firstborn daughter grows up and marries, her husband will pay the price for the sins of her father. So again, here's a variable. If parents are out of balance, it will affect how children are raised. Here's another variable that happens at the parent side. You know, let's say there's a divorce or something like that occurs. Now families are blended together. This is a definite parent induced variable. Handling firstborns middle born and last born in one family is challenging enough. But break two families together into a Brady Bunch of eight is enough is, is complicated in a hurry that those classic shows which still appear as reruns like The Brady Bunch, create a plastic package where crisis than problems are always solved neatly and easily is everyone blends into a happy, ever family. 

But in truth, it takes a lot of work planning, talking, given take in a blended family. On other words, a lot of self aware conversations need to occur. Here's some blended family wisdom, one, don't assume there will be instant love among all members of the new family. Sibling rivalry goes back to Cain and Able and even more likely in a blended family, especially if the children are close in age, and thus competing with each other. So set the ground rules that it's okay to disagree. But it always must be done with respect for each person in the family so that no one feels stepped on. Number two, don't assume it will be easier to have a blended family with a spouse in five children. That is to have a single parent of two. Hmm, that's interesting. If you are not yet remarried, ask yourself the question. Have we fallen in love or have we fallen in need is typical for people who have divorced or lost spouses and another way to say to each other, you have two kids, I have to select we get married. It'll be easier for all of us. Sure, it may be easier financially with both of you living in one house. That's understandable with one mortgage, but emotionally and relationally, will it be easier acquiring instant children can mean acquiring instant problems. 

Number three, a mom and dad can stand shoulder to shoulder united as parents in order for the marriage. In blended family to survive. There must be complete unanimity among in united as parents for it to really work. Think of it this way. Both couples date for two years before they decide to retire the knot. The relationship each of those spouses have had their own respective children is usually much longer. It is reasonable to believe that a two year relationship between a husband and wife who have remarried is going to outweigh parent child relationships that have existed for several years, at least in some cases 10 to 15 years. So is it even reasonable to believe that is what Dr. Kevin Leman is saying is that these deep relationships that happened before this new marriage are long and structured. And now in many cases where there's a divorce, there has been other factors. And there's now in a sense when when a family breaks up and remarries. And then let's say the children, their parents that's not in this union, they marry someone else. 

What you have is all sorts of new dynamics that come into play. And these are conversations that must be dealt with. To paraphrase the old saying blood in biological families is thicker than the punch served at a remarriage reception. Whoa, I'm gonna say that again. Blood in biological families is thicker than the punch served at remarriage receptions. Where there's a fight in the family is usually becomes the mom and her kids against the dad in his kids. In that kind of warfare, the probability that a marriage will survive, honestly, without Christ especially is very low. But if you and your spouse decide that you're going to stand together on all issues, and I'm going to add the walking with the Lord, no matter what, no matter what that means, keeping any disagreement between the two of you, when you're away from the children's hearing, we're going to quietly be willing to you no matter what, that you and your children will always be in our family, you're giving yourself the best chance of success. To have a blended family is very difficult, blended family self awareness. Another way the two oldest males may lock up horns is if the mother's firstborn happens to be a neat freak and keeps his room clean. And as such has been known to happen and he winds up having to share a room with his sixteen year old stepbrother, who is not concerned about neatness in the true firstborn style doesn't like surprises. What happens when the neat step brother, decides he's had enough of the sloppy room, cleans up the place and puts a few things away. In one word, Dr. Leman says Armageddon. 

So these are all important issues, especially as you're exerting care and encouraging people. So the key to the blended family birth order game is this. When a child who is born in one birth order lands on the another limb in the blended family tree, do not treat that child as something he is not. He may, he may have to take different responsibilities and play different roles at times, but never push or force him. Never forget who he really is. In other words, if you have two firstborns make sure they both get a firstborn stage. So that they're not fighting they may in be very self aware about this. Here's some family media roles in the reason Dr. Leman brings this up is if you've got a blended family, in fact, this applies for every family, there will be conversations, and you're going to need some family meetings. One, each family member, each member of the group has an equal say two one person talks at a time. Three, no one erupts until the person's talking is done. Four the atmosphere of the mean must be one of mutual respect for all, five if he did conflict arise in the meeting to give everyone time to go to their own areas cool off. But before everyone leaves, said another meeting time in the near future within a day to come back and discuss the issue.

If you have a blended family, especially you're going to need family meetings, it might even be a good thing to just say every Sunday night at eight o'clock. We're gonna have a family meeting and talk about our progress in get together more as a team. Here are some helpful tools. Part of the bigger picture birth order isn't a cookie cutter process that ensures that firstborns will all March lockstep this way, middle children will universally do something different. And last parts will be the family comedian's instead of birth, instead, birth orders designed to give you clues about what an individual is like and what their their thought process in feelings are. So as you think about this, remember the word clues that essentially you're in life, you're helping people in your life, and you're looking at every advantage in the conversations to bring health and healing. And what it's so frustrating to just knock yourself against the wall and not have insights on how to change things. 

So they will be sustainable changes for relational health. You know, this birth order stuff is not a silver bullet, but you will find it helpful. So as you study birth order, I would recommend that you buy if you have the means to do it, and the book is available in your region, I recommend and if you've never read Dr. Kevin Leman's book, I would recommend that you buy this one. I could not cover so much that he wrote but it's a very good size book. It's an excellent book to read. I would recommend that you buy that and study it in more detail in doing analysis in your own home if you're have a family at home, or even if you are older and your family is away and they have their own children. This is a great conversation starter to try to help bring more and more health to your families. And it will also help you as a leader of others in bringing health to their families as well.

Video Transcript: Having a More Confident Daughter 

You know, this is I'm gonna try to make this as simple as I can, you know, here's a kid who obviously compares yourself to other people. And if you go through life, I don't care if you're 16 or 36, you compare yourself to other people, guess what, you're always going to be sort of bummed out. Somebody has to come alongside of that kid. And I'm assuming you as a parent love that kid more any body else on this earth. So it might as well be you. Come alongside that kid and say, you know, honey, I got, I could be wrong. And when you start with a 16 year old kid, you say, I could be wrong. I might not know what I'm talking about. At least the ears are open. Okay. You get a chance to slip in a commercial announcement. And the commercial announcement is this honey. I'm your parent. I love you more than life itself. But I tell you, I just see this, this panic in yourself that somehow you're not going to be good enough. You know what, I love you just the way you are. You don't have to jump any higher. And I'd really like you to practice flaunting your imperfection not only to your friends in school, but to us. Because it's just something you're going to have to learn to do in life. If you don't, you're going to end up always dumping on yourself defeating yourself. There's enough enemies out there. People who aren't really good, quite frankly, who will dump on you and you don't want to be dumping on yourself.