Transcripts for Days 61-70

Day 61 – 70 - The Father's Role in the Daughter's Life 

There are 5 Video Transcripts

Video Transcript: The Father's Role in A Daughters Life by Dr. Kevin Leman 

Host  0:00  

How much fun is Kevin Leman? Our crew, colorfully anticipated his being with us today. Now, we don't have the Hawaiian shirt depicted here, which is quite typical. But you haven't lost it Dr. Leman?

Dr Kevin Leman  0:15  

No, it's either a sweater or a Hawaiian shirt.

Host  0:18  

Yeah. or excuse me, the socks the socks. Come on. Yeah. Come on. This is a man of color, and fun. And something else I have anticipated I want to say for decades is a look at your family that you talk about you write about. And you've never seen their picture since the early 90s. We've been getting together. Oh, God. Finally. We see. Look at this beautiful introduce us please.

Dr Kevin Leman  0:42  

Well, Mrs. Upington. There is on the far right. That would be Sandy. Sandy. I call her Mrs. Upington. Because she's the classy one of the group. And little Conner there that is in front of me is now wearing size. 10 shoes. No. Yeah. And he is 10 years of age. And growing up maturing already. So it's a great family. They love each other. They support each other and everything four girls to have for girls and your son has his hand on your Yes. Yeah. And then Kevin Leman the Second. Yeah, the second and then our youngest is way in the back. That's Lauren. And Lauren is what she want an $80,000 scholarship she's functionally the baby of the family, you know in birth order, but she's she's an only child personality wise. Loves detail. works for DreamWorks right now. out in California. She's going to really do something in life. God has given her talent. That's way beyond mine I tell you. If I how recent is that bride? Bride is now six years married six and her husband is going to medical school in Chicago this fall. So we aren't good dad. Yeah. You know, for a guy that graduated fourth and bottom of his class in high school. He met his wife in the men's room of a hospital. I was a janitor. If you recall. God has blessed our life so many different ways.

Host  1:58  

You know what I loved in reading your latest book and congratulations, by the way number two on Amazon under parenting, be the dad she needs you to be. I love the byline, the indelible imprint a father leaves on his daughter's life. Well, I was reading about a very special family event and might have been your birthday. All of your daughters call themselves your favorite.

Dr Kevin Leman  2:19  

Oh, yeah, you know, I have a cell quite secure and that the cell phones his favorite daughter, and depending on who's at the house, they'll change the number they put their number in. They all think they're the favorite. So and what people need to remember, dads especially is Hey, dads, you represent Almighty God, okay, to your daughters. And there's nothing more special than the daddy daughter relationship and the mother son relationship. And so women are, how do I say this Myra. They're weird. They speak a language that most of us is meant to understand. And so you can imagine a young girl growing up, you know, with whatever, or that rolling your eyes. I mean, how to most of us as men handle those things? Not very well. Hey, you're not going to roll your eyes in this genre. Yo, I'm telling you right now, you're gonna do what I tell you to do. You know, with women, young women, you got to get behind their eyes. Have fun, have fun. Oh, honey, roll his eyes. He can only do it in slow motion. You know, fun. We do a cruise once a year. I do it with Luis Pulao this year and Dennis Swanberg is the funniest guy known to mankind. It's looking really good. Yeah, he's great. I love Luis and I'm so glad to have him. But you know, when I'm in a church speaking, I just started Springs church out there at pastor Leon out in Winnipeg. And I tell church audiences, we'd love to have you come on the cruise. If you're a fun person, we'd love to have you. If you're not a fun person. We prefer you stay home. And I think what's missing in so many families today is fun. Yeah, and Dad, you can set the tone men use fewer words in your women. When I was affectionate is you guys. We tend to just tell people where the bones buried in life. But if you have daughters, gentlemen, you have to affirm her femininity, and really walk her through these critical years. 

Host  4:11  

Lot's of compliments on her appearance and

Dr Kevin Leman  4:14  

yes, but see, the compliment is Honey, I gotta tell you something. You really look nice. You take pride in how you dress. I just thought I'd share that with you don't look like some of those little slime balls down there at your school. And I said that to one of my daughters one morning. Oh, Hannah, and her she whipped rock she said dad knows the term sleaze balls. So Honey, I'm not blind. I see how kids dress.

Host  4:37  

She's less likely to look for that from another guy. If she's getting the affirmation from dad.

Dr Kevin Leman  4:42  

You know what all the research my research is this. An engaged dad puts a daughter on a positive trajectory. Take the dad out of the home. And trouble awaits in so many ways.

Host  4:53  

You say it's like leaving an ingredient out of your cake mix. You know, as you're baking a cake you

Dr Kevin Leman  4:56  

know what happens when you leave out a major ingredient. It falls flat And so the grown woman who didn't have the kind of dad she needs, okay is drawn toward people that are a good for her or bad for her bad for her. So it's not rocket science.

Host  5:12  

I don't know how many people might have seen this. It's a delightful little quiet movie, a walk in the clouds really learn a lot about vineyards, growing grapes making wine, and you highlight in the book, the movie, but you also frame a term you've taught me, the critical eye parent is deadly.

Dr Kevin Leman  5:34  

You know, if you're the critical eyed dad, and you can spot a flaw, okay, now notice, you might write computer programs for living. You might be an architect and engineer and accountant. You get paid for being perfect or an anesthesiologist. Okay, let me be clear, I want my anesthesiologist to be to be a perfection. Yes. You know, I don't want him saying, Oh, well, we're a few cc's off who cares? Night night Leman forever. Hello. But if you're that critical, eye spirited parent, you'll turn that little firstborn daughter who tends to be a little pleaser, an achiever into a procrastinator into the person who's always going to hit a home run not a finisher. And so that indelible imprint, dad that you leave on that daughter's life is left best. If you understand what affection is all about. You're driving your daughter to school in the morning. She turns the radio on. Number one, you're not gonna like the music dad. I'm gonna tell you right now. But my suggestion when she turns on that terrible music, you don't My suggestion is Morra, honey, turn it up. Turn it up, honey, your nose might be growing. Yeah. Yeah, louder, louder. And you might ask your daughter who's singing that And trust me, you'll never know that the group bones on like a music group for sure. But my point is you either get behind your daughter's eyes and partner with her in life. Or she becomes a slam and clicker, which means she comes home from school goes through a bedroom door, slams it shut clicks it locked. And then she texts like a woodpecker that's got ADHD dollar buddies and shuts you right out of our life.

Host  7:11  

You give so much helpful stuff on how to connect with your kids. You've got a pop quiz. How well do you know your daughter? Walk us through learning how to connect how to talk to your girl is another section. But here's that help. 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:25  

But here's this is key. Now listen. Pay attention. This is a good one. You got. Don't ask your kids questions. You mean don't pepper them? Don't grill them. Yeah, yeah. You know, the best thing to do is a dad to a daughter is say, Honey, can I ask your opinion about something? Now if you ask your opinion, what are you saying? It's open ended? She's gonna you want to hear from her and see, and that's what we miss. And put away the why word. Now. That's great advice, by the way for any husband and any wife. Okay. Husbands do not like to be interrogated. How is your day to day honey? What do most businessmen say? Fine, which means what? I don't want to talk about my stupid day and put away the why word we hate the why word. Well, kids are the same way.

Host  8:13  

Here is a really, this may be an insight, the best gift you can give your daughter. You say I know I love that. Your wife number one in your eyes.

Dr Kevin Leman  8:24  

Oh, yeah. The kids are watching. They're taking spiritual notes to see if you add up with Sunday through the other days of the week. Okay. You can fool adults you can fool kids. But you really have to honor this woman. Okay. Speaking of women. When my daughter Chrissy got married, I was crying for 10 minutes in the men's room. My wife got up and told every body to get up, you know, the bride coming in my my daughter is sitting there by herself without her father. Because I'm in there crying my eyes out blow my nose like a foghorn. So finally, I come out Myrra. And I'm like a robot, okay. And I'm walking down the aisle and I can still remember only noticing one person but I, I was in a zone. In this guy comes out this pastor Johnny says, who gives it this woman? He called my daughter, a woman. She's a little girl. She's 22 years old, a little girl. And so he says, who give it this woman to the tender Karen, love a dentist? You know what I said? I said, Ah, I went like this. I gave him a time outside. I was supposed to say she gives herself with our blessing or something. Well, that's not what came out. I left my daughter side. I wanted my son in law's face. And I said I had given her to you. Until I heard from your lips that you're going to listen to her. Love her. honor her. Yeah, I gave my Ephesians five revisited. 

Host  9:46  

Did everybody hear this? 

Dr Kevin Leman  9:47  

Yes. Wow. Is it on video? Yes. And I turned around I I knew I made a fool of myself. I said pastor John, you better ask that question again. And I mumbled something and continue to cry. But the best part was afterward. All these young daddies were coming up to me with tears in her eyes. Dr. Leman give me fist bumps. My daughter is only four and a half, I am with you all the way. My day is coming. Yeah. So the specialness of a daddy daughter don't miss the opportunity, man. I mean, when she starts to grow up before your eyes What do most men say. Myrra, maybe you have a little talk there with a daughter she'd beginning to you know, sort of fill out there on top. No, gentlemen is someone should talk to your daughter. It's you about life, relationships, sex, remaining pure, dad daughter, mother son.

Host  10:38  

We are out of time, but I just want our viewers to know I just got started. I know. Two musts for divorce dads, oh, we are dealing with a lot of broken families. They are not excluded in your book.

Dr Kevin Leman  10:52  

No, and I think I've given a good help. Number one, don't rag on your mate, your former mate. Okay, that is going to turn things sour. Number two, be available and accessible. It's difficult these days. But realize that the name calling and the fighting that goes on that precipitated the divorce cannot continue. You have to extend that olive branch

Host  11:17  

and go that extra mile for your ex. It's just the right thing to do. Oh, Dr. Leman, thank you. You said you'd be back with this and it is at our E store. Be the dad she needs you to be Guess what? in time for Father's Day. If you're in touch with us ASAP

Video Transcript: Dads and Daughter by Dr. Kevin Leman 

Host  0:00  

Psychologist Kevin Leman is best known for his birth order books. Now Dr. Leman has written a new book about the relationship between dads and their daughters. Take a look.

Host  0:12  

The person that matters the most in a girl's life isn't her mother. It's her dad, at least according to Dr. Kevin Leman. He's an internationally known psychologist and the father of five. Four of them are girls. He believes a girl's life decisions are directly tied to the relationship she has with her father. In his book, be the dad she needs you to be. Kevin helps every father leave a lasting imprint on his daughter's heart. Now, and for a lifetime.

Host  0:45  

Please welcome back to the 700 Club. Dr. Kevin Leman. Welcome. Nice to have you here again. Oh, thank you. Well, we mentioned you've got four daughters and your own family and that's a full time job isn't just

Dr Kevin Leman  0:57  

trying to find your toothbrush in the morning. You got hair crunchers, curlers, eyelid things, things that burn your porch in the emergency room just trying to get your teeth in your toothbrush. Yeah. Oh, they're different you women are

Host  1:10  

We are at work. We're we're gonna wander, talk a little bit about why dads are so significant in the lives of their daughters.

Dr Kevin Leman  1:18  

Well, every bit of research says this, if a dad is engaged in his daughter's life, he sets her off on a positive trajectory in life. Take the dad out of the home, all kinds of bad things happen.

Host  1:31  

So talk about that a little bit because there are plenty of homes today. We hear about it all the time where the dad isn't in the home. How do you remedy that?

Dr Kevin Leman  1:38  

Well, if you're a single mom, number one, you can't be dad. Okay? Just be mom. Be as consistent as you can. Don't let guilt especially for women. Guilt is the propellant for most of the lousy decisions. You're going to make Terry as a single mom, so your daughter needs discipline. Okay. And yes, maybe there's a grandfather and Uncle that serves the surrogate dad strong man. I'll tell you it's like making a cake. You leave out sugar in the cake. I got news for you. It's not gonna be a good cake. Yeah. So the problem is that women who don't have a positive dad in their life are drawn toward people that aren't good for him. There's your problem

Host  2:11  

and you see it all the time. You talk a little bit about the role of the Father we talk a great deal about it in the book be the dad she needs you to be but the dad being the authoritarian figure in most families and the mom more the emotional feeding figure. But talk about the three principles that you share that are so good for dads to utilize

Dr Kevin Leman  2:34  

you go and do what I tell you to do you understand me? Don't make me come over there. You want to cry about I gave you something to cry about? There's your authoritarian. Okay. The permissive Britany Honey, it's been o'clock. Have you chosen to go to bed yet? Okay. There's your permissive okay. Snowplows erodes the life for the kid. The only one that's reflective of God's teaching is the authoritative parent.

Host  2:57  

 Authoritative, not authority, 

Dr Kevin Leman  2:59  

not authoritarian. It says, you know, God didn't put you on this earth to be run over by your daughter. You know, so when she rolls her eyes, and she will. What most parents say hey, don't you be rolling your eyes and your house I'm telling you, right? You know dad, lighten up, lighten up. Say honey. Oh, that was good. Do that. Again. We're doing slow motion. Would you please. If you're, if you're talking to your daughter, talk with her. If you're driving her to school this morning, don't ask her questions. Don't ask her questions. Say Leman. If I did that, she wouldn't say a word. Sooner or later she will say to your daughter, honey. What's your opinion about this? Hey, does this match this? Can I wear this? Dad You got to be kidding me. So in other words, if you don't go there, she's going to become a slamming clicker, which means he goes to her bedroom, she slams the door. she clicks it. And then she texts her friends like a woodpecker. That's got ADHD. She'll shut you out of your life. You have to build the relationship, don't you? Because she doesn't care what you know until she knows you care. Yeah. And you're women. You love affection. You like words you like sentences, paragraphs, complete thoughts. share that with your daughter.

Host  4:10  

And you know, as I read the book, of course, you're writing this to dads, but I got a lot out of it as a mom as well. You talk about looking at our children. And from a dad's perspective, because his opinion means so much to a daughter with a critical eye. We don't mean to be critical. When we do that we're trying to help but they don't receive it that way.

Dr Kevin Leman  4:29  

The critical eye will turn a typical firstborn daughter who tends to be perfectionistic likes her little ducks in a row into a procrastinator, one who will never fulfill her ambitions in life. What makes you a good architect or an engineer? The perfection that you have in your work is the same stuff that works against you with those you love with your wife. Hey, honey, what were the carrots, you might be wearing carrot shortly be careful what you say. So the critical eyes that perfectionistic flaw ticking Dad, you need to be affirming,

Host  5:03  

boy that sometimes that's really a difficult scenario I want you to share. Because even when when dads get to be or when daughters get to be grown ups, dads can still impact them. You have a story of a family member that was hospitalized and his daughter could tell you tell it.

Dr Kevin Leman  5:20  

Well, this cousin was 20 years older than me. So we were very close. We grew up two streets away. And my cousin Kara who lives in North Carolina sent me this email and I put it in the end of the book, just the top the book off and she says, Kevin, it was great to talk to you. It really warms my heart to hear about all your kids. I don't know if I ever if I ever if you know this or not, but my dad was in a home for the last few years, Bob and the boys and I would go and visit him every week. His tiny room was filled with pictures the boys would draw of their papa. My dad had no idea who we were at that age. It at that stage in his life. Anyway, every time we would go to leave, he'd cry and ask us to take him with us. He even said he didn't know us but we seem like really nice people. It would break my heart to leave him the day after Easter. I went to see him without Bob and the boys. I took him a big chocolate bunny sucker and chocolate shake two of his favorites. That as I walked in the room there he sat in some other person's clothing that was typical with his Velcro sneakers on the wrong feet. I sat beside him and gave him his treats. He lit up like a four year old sitting on Santa's lap. I told him what the boys are up to even though he had no clue who the boys were when he finished his treats. There was chocolate all over his face. As I was cleaning his face, he looked up at me said all of a sudden he said, You can go now I'm fine. I laughed and said, I'm not going anywhere. He said it again. But this time was like he almost knew what he was saying. And this took me by surprise because he always cried when I left. I told him okay, gave him a hug and kiss and told him I loved him. As I walked out the door to leave, my dad said to me, boy, I never thought I'd be treated this good today. I smiled and told him I see him and a few days and left. 10 minutes after I left he died of a heart attack. I was the one they called I'm positive. He knew he was gonna die and didn't want me to be there. My daddy even protected me to the end. I love that man. And so dads want to protect. That's who we are power to protect Yes.

Host  7:40  

In their words and their actions. 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:42  

So when you enter that daughter's life, gentlemen, you make a huge difference by just affirming her femininity. And when she's growing up before your very eyes, our tendency is to say what, Terry, maybe you'll have a talk with a daughter there. She's beginning to you know, sort of fill out there on top. But I'm here to tell you if anybody should talk with the daughter about life, sex, relationship, it's dad. Mom to son. Those are the key relationships father and daughter, and mother and son.

Host  8:13  

This is just the tip of the iceberg. But it's such important information because you and I as parents have the power to make a huge difference in the lives of our children. Be the dad she needs you to be fathers days coming up in a couple of weeks Kevin's book would make a great gift for dad and it's available wherever books are sold around the country. Thank you so much. It's always a treat to have you here. 

Dr Kevin Leman  8:33  

Much better than soap on the road but a weed whacker. 

Host  8:37  

Probably got several of those

Video Transcript: Knowing How To Bless Each Daughter 

We're talking about pastoral care conversations. And we're talking about the relationship of a father to his daughter. And when we think about that, we talked to the last session about the importance of teaching healthy masculinity, so that your daughter could grow up and be a well adjusted woman who enjoys the masculinity that's in her life and knows how to balance masculinity and femininity in a way that's very healthy, to glorify God. Today, we're gonna talk about getting to know each daughter. And of course, we appreciate Dr. Kevin Leman, in a great way in his book be the dad, she needs you to be. When we talk about knowing who your daughter is, Dr. Kevin Leman, who wrote so many books on being, you know, the firstborn second born birth order, he really sees how each birth order affects who that daughter is. And as dads and as we teach dads how to do that. These are important reminders. Now, in some cases, the birth order doesn't have a big effect. In some cases. There are excellent reasons we've talked about some of those reasons in the past. But let's get specific in the birth order, and see some of these general principles that are helpful in helping fathers with their daughters. 

Again, we let's talk first about firstborns are often the planners, the organizers, the list makers, the managers, the perfectionist of the world, schools, often their proving ground, they tend to be confident, self assured, in most situations, they keep things under control set goals reach them, tend to get more done in a day than the than the children who fall elsewhere in the birth order. They are great problem solvers. But the very things that make them successes could also cause problems in their relationships. Others may see them as self centered, difficult to work with firstborns know things should work and expect everyone else to agree. They sometimes are afraid to try new things, because they're not sure if they'll succeed. And they're critical of themselves and others, and they're never satisfied with the job they've done. They live by rules and aren't naturally flexible. Order is very important to them. They also put themselves and others under a lot of stress and pressure, and tend to be serious, failing to see the humor in the situations. Does this put some things about your firstborn into perspective? Dad? Do you see now why it's so important to lighten up on that already heavily burdened firstborn? See, so when you're dealing with a firstborn, these are really important things that you would provide some of that humor in that joy in that balance and, and help them try things they might not otherwise do? What about that middle daughter, middle borns tend to march to the beat of a different drummer. 

As the firstborn goes, the middle child goes often the opposite way. They're the hardest of all the birth order o pin down because children are always influenced most by what is directly above them. The male born looks up and sees not adults, as the firstborn does, but the firstborn. So you know, you have to sort of get that a middle born child is somewhat different, and in many times opposite, and as a father with your daughter, in some ways, I remember my daughters and the firstborn daughter, the second birth daughter, and my firstborn daughter, and my second born daughter, are some of the most opposite girls. You know, one is very much like you want to be the paralegal appreciates the order and some of the details. But the next daughter, you know, she's the artist and you know, lives in the present within the next daughter is even different after that. And then of course, here comes the last born daughter. So these are very important sometimes as dads you feel like wait a minute, you know, I know how to treat my firstborn daughter this way and in the second born daughter comes along, and the middle daughter how can a middle born compete with a star performer like the firstborn she ain't.

So she's smart enough to decide to take an entirely opposite direction. That's why your middle unborn daughter and firstborn daughters will differ, like day and night and interests and and personality. And again, this is a dynamic as a father, sometimes that firstborn and second born are those middle children and the firstborn can have a conflict and they feel uncomfortable around each other. They sort of feel like the each other can be, you know, at times feel negative emotions to each other. And in Christ, they'll talk it out and they'll resolve these things.

But seriously, these are issues when they grow up. Sometimes there's competition with family and husbands and all these things like that. I've seen that over 30 years. And many of the dynamics happen in some of the family dynamics growing up. So as a father, you're always trying to bring balance to know who each of them are in appreciate each of them for who they are created to be. To make things worse, when the baby of the family is born, the middle child, not only is looking at that first born and knowing she can compete, but also feel that you can't compete with the cuteness of the baby of the family. No wonder middle borns tend to go outside their families for friendships, and are less likely to invite in family members, their relational masters, great at mediating negotiate. And since they're always stuck in the middle at home, but they also tend to be more sensitive, independent diplomatic compromise in social situations. 

Now, again, every family is going to have this a little bit different. But these are some of the things that as a father you're going to be in tune with is getting to know which is a typical firstborn. What's a typical second born? How does that relate to them as daughters? Middle borns realize that life isn't fair because they've experienced it at home being caught between siblings that tend to be realistic, unspoiled risk takers who strike out on their own and know how to get along with others. There are peacemakers who are good at seeing issues from both sides. Again, the very qualities that make them great at what they can do become negative middle borns may be suspicious or cynical because they've been ignored by their families. They'd be feeling fear because they're neglected. 

They may also rebel because they feel they don't fit in. Family members may see them as stubborn and bullheaded and unwilling to cooperate since they want peace at any price. Others can take advantage of them wanting not to be to offend their friends can cloud good judgment and decisions that may also take a long time to admit that they need help. It's since it isn't easy to share feelings with family members. These are all some of the things as dads to be aware of. Does it sound like you're a middle born daughter since I'm middle born so often gets the the the end of the stick squeeze between the Crown Princess and the little snoky? Work hard to affirm her and draw her out. If you want to give your middle born a treat, she won't forget to spend time with just her. Even better, do it on a regular basis that you can count on. Don't include any of your other other siblings, no matter how much they beg and make sure you make plenty take plenty of pictures. Since middle borns have a lot fewer pictures for albums than the firstborns and the babies of the family to compete with. Take a peek at your family album. And you'll see exactly what I mean. Let's talk about the last born daughter, Dr. Kevin Leman says everyone applauds for the firstborn star in nearly every area of life, and the middle born and it has a whole group of loyal friends. But the baby of the family has her work cut out for her. She has to figure out how to get attention. She's likely to be the most social of your kids. She's charming people oriented, affectionate, engaging, tenacious. 

That's because she's learned early in life, how to push her parents and siblings buttons to get what she wants. She's uncomplicated and not hard to figure out. Unlike the middle born, she tends to be the one in the family who has one or more pet names versus the older kids are more likely to be called by their given names. So this last born daughter, people love the last borns. After all, they're likeable, fun to be around easy to talk to caring, lovable, and they want to help they don't have hidden agendas often, and they're often entertaining and funny. They know how to get noticed. And they don't take no for an answer. They keep on going until they get what they want. Again, they spend a lot of time manipulating older siblings to do things for them. So that they've got that sort of negotiation down pat that negotiation type of personality down pat. Last borns are very good at working a daddy over to giving them what they want by betting eyelashes, letting a single tear slip. I've seen rock hard negotiate is known in the business world for forcing grown men into humble compliance melt before a teary eyed three year old daughter. And that's so true as a father of last borns know that there's also a downside, babies of the family can come across as fly by the seat of your pants, and even a little flaky, impatient, spoiled or temperamental. They're used to others pitching in and helping out with their workload. 

After all, those older siblings can do nothing more easily and faster. Because they've done they've had a track record of doing things. So they can be lazy. They're also very trusting others can easily take advantage of them since they make decisions based upon their feelings. So as a dad, these are very important things to keep in mind. Does this sound like your firstborn of a family daughter? Sure, she's charming, she steals your heart, maybe let her manipulate you. She should be drawn towards someone like you someone who can manipulate and control. So do your future son law favor, teacher responsibility, hold her accountable for her actions. If you do your warm, cheerful daughter will gain the organization compassion, understanding she needs to make a significant impact in the adult world. Let's talk about the only children. Now only children have the positive and negative traits of the firstborn 10 times. They're super achievers, perfectionist, conscientious to the max. By the time they're eight or nine. They're pint sized adults, they relate more to adults than the kids their own age. And they're ahead of everyone in the game of life. They don't need anyone to organize them or make plans for them or take care of them. 

But those very traits can make them highly, that make them highly successful in their careers can also be damaging in their relationships, their accuracy, detail, and perfectionism can work against them. And less only children learn how to manage their own expectations. Does this sound like you're only born if you have one? If so do her do her three favors, lighten up on her, especially if you tend to have that critical eye. Teach her compassion toward others, and to recognize what others think and feel is important. Find something to laugh about with her every day. If you do even these three simple things, you'll give your only born the kind of wings that allow her to soar in a lifetime. So here's top four do's for dad. And this is all the birth orders. Listen to her, just really listen. Take cues from her. Don't assume anything ever. And be gentle. You know, I've noticed like whenever I try to talk about difficult things to any of my daughters advice, start yelling. They all of a sudden shut down. I have to be very respectful. And I have to understand that we're very different. I come at something from a strong leader masculinities perspective often. And with my daughters, I have learned that to treat them as the young women God has made them to be and to really listen, and to really pay attention to what they say. And don't assume that I know and be very gentle. really get to know her a few things in life has have been as rewarding as getting to know each of my daughters Dr. Kevin Leman says courts fears dreams, hopes, and then parenting around those. 

When you do that Dad, you make your daughter feel special. Like an authorious bannan l gave, tells his men in what I consider the greatest of all the movies of three amigos. I know. Each of you. Like I've known my own smell. Ooh, I know each of you like I know my own smell. And the point of that is it's about relationship. It's about when you know your daughter, like you know your own smell. loving her as an individual will be a natural response. Simple as breathing. You'll also make decisions that are right for her and you'll be on your way to building a relationship for a lifetime. You know, when you You get to know each of your daughters. And they're just distinguishing characteristics when you help them to see the world not from their own perspective only, but from the perspective of a man and others, you do a great service for the daughters in your life. As a Christian leader, these are the kind of conversations you want to have with dads who have daughters. This is not a kind of conversations that you can help those who did not have a dad replace some of those aspects. With maybe male characters like a grandpa or others, you can sort of like guide the group that you're called to lead in a way that some of these roles are taken by others. But the point of today's message is about relationship. Knowing who each of your daughters are, in knowing how you can bless them and help them be who God has made them to be.

Video Transcript: General Dad and Daughter Wisdom 

Have a pastoral care conversations about dads with daughters. I want to now just kind of give some general dads with daughters wisdom taken from Dr. Kevin's Leman's book, be the dad, she needs you to be the indelible imprint of father leaves on her daughter's life, published by Thomas Nelson. Here's just some things. I want to talk about the critical eyes, some dads just can't hold that back. Critical eyes, dads can find the flaw in anything. They're always talking, taking the cheap shot, the hit that says you could be better. I see this in stories of so many adults who tell me My parents never said I'm proud of you, or I love you. If you're a pastor or leader, Christian leader out there, and you see that combination, there may be an opportunity for some pastor here or in your sermons to talk when you're talking about parenting bring up the danger of the critical eye the exact aspiration of the critical eye in the dad. And maybe here are some of the signs that you are too critical or signs of a critical dad, your kids draw a picture and tear it up before your eyes because it's not good enough your kids take a test and and says I really blew it later you found out she got an A your kids put herself down before you can so in the sense your your children are sort of you know, like making sure they don't have to hear this from you. Hear signs that you are too critical that dads are too critical. Here's the daddy tune up ask yourself list. Am I quick to react? Do I prejudge people in situations? 

Do I jump to conclusions? Is my automatic answer, No. Do I have a short fuse? And I great at finding the flaws? Am I a nitpicker? Do I have a need to be right? Do I blame others for my shortcoming? If you replied yes to any of the above questions, you have a critical eye. In fact, in a lot of ways, we all have critical eyes, this is a truth. And but this is a very negative thing when it comes to raising children that you have to be in balance. You know, I always feel say four or five, six positive things if you dare to point out some negative things. In other words, try to see the good what God is doing in your children, not just point out the negative now some dads would say or some pastors and say, well, we have to discipline our child in the way they should go. And I would take discipline as being you're guiding them in the way they should go. And you do it in a very respectful God glorifying balance. Here's another thing that I've noticed over the years, the not engaged dad, no matter what age your daughter is, from babyhood to teenager, she needs you. She needs you to bond with her. She needs to know their safe place to land, you will always be there for her. If she doesn't seal all the time on a regular basis. She isn't going to bond with you. Young kids in particular have very sharp memories. 

So I've seen this again over the years the dad who's just not engaged with their children. So take a careful look at your schedule. Record your daughter's events as your first priority outside your regular workday. Not your last priority when you can fit it in. When she has an event show up, if you're local. If you're long distance call her text her before the event and do the same after the event. Notice it takes effort and engagement to be the dad she needs you to be research activities Your daughter is interested in. Take your focus off giving her gifts and substitute activities you can do together. If one if this one thing doesn't change, nothing in your relationship will change. You have to spend time together to reestablish connection, find ways in which you can participate with her in those activities she enjoys. If she likes rock climbing, find a local rock climbing wall and try it out with her. If she likes concerts, take her to one and if it's not the sort of music you like, so what. If she likes to paint ceramics they won't kill you to sit beside her and paint a dog or cat in a mall.

Bet she'd love to have the one you painted with her too. She would display it proudly in her bedroom. Even more importantly, it's a reminder of the fact daddy loves me. So, really get to know what is your daughter interested in? Show her you think of her throughout the day. Send little texts if you're in a western world you have smartphones. Create inside jokes between the two of you. Find fun videos and pictures to make her laugh and send her the links. make regular appointments. If you live in the same town go out of your way to make at least one night to make to make at least one night a week dad and daughter night. If you live a distance apart, make frequent trips to see your daughter and use Skype or FaceTime so you can talk regularly face to face. Ask her opinion on issues you face. Your daughter needs to know that you value her opinion. If you make it clear to her, she'll also be more likely to share her own questions or issues she's facing with you. Kids don't like questions, their defenses go up immediately. But saying you're really good at problem solving, or I like your advice at something. Show that you value what your daughter thinks she will welcome that kind of interaction and go away from it feeling confident about her needed role in your family. Keep your promises. dads who are trustworthy, never lied can be counted on follow through on their promises produce trusting, healthy, balanced daughters who find trustworthy men who don't lie can become on and follow through on their promises. If there is pain and brokenness in your family from divorce, separation, disillusionment, the time to change the pattern is now before it affects the next generation of your family. 

The first step in is deciding to change yourself. The second step is changing yourself. You can do it you can choose it Kevin Leman is very encouraging. And that's what he says to all of us. Now, he also mentioned some wisdom principles for divorced dads. And since divorce is so common in the Western world, and as a pastor or leader, Christian leader, you're going to face so many opportunities, you're going to have so many opportunities to encourage those who have been divorced dads, here's some guidelines. Number one, be there for her physically and emotionally. No matter what it takes, make her well being a priority. If even if you haven't done this in the past, if you focused on your own welfare, instead, you need to win her trust. Once again. That means to make plan to spend time with her, support her in little ways, and then follow through on what you say you're going to do. Number two, for a guy for divorced dads, go the extra mile to support your ex. Your ex may be your ex. But a long time ago, you made her and your daughter your family, real men take care of their families. 

Even if the situation is far from ideal. Yes, your ex could be a real piece of work as is It's often said in the western world. But she is still your daughter's mother. Don't ever bad mouth your ex. In fact, you should do everything you can to help her put in writing what that you'll continue to pay for your daughter's private education. If If you can afford that, that you'll continue your spousal support, at least through your daughter's high school graduation, so that your ex can focus on what she needs to do in those remaining years with your daughter at home. Be there with your daughter, put aside money and help your daughter with college if she is so inclined. The point is, is even if there's a breakdown a divorced dad cannot break down his love for his daughters. Some of you are rolling your eyes right now there's no way my ex is going to accept my apology from me. Not now not ever. But to reestablish your daddy daughter connection, you still need to do your part with both mama and daughter. Your part is to apologize genuinely for what you did wrong and ask for forgiveness. Whether the other party extends that forgiveness is up to her. You can't control others reactions. You can only control your responses for your relationship with your daughter to change the age of make it right. So that with all your power and might it's something that can be a blessing again to your daughter.

Talk about your failures. If you want your daughter to handle her failures, well, you better fess up about your own. Telling your daughter stories about yourself and the goofy xenium stupid thing you've done in the past is not only entertaining and fun. But it's a great way to take the pressure off your daughter's internal self talk. This is especially important to firstborn and only born daughters who tend to be perfectionistic and uptight, thinking they have to do things exactly right to please dad. So we're leaving now, the divorce advice in moving on to this next thing. That's a just great general wisdom principle. 

Talk to all your daughters, whether you're a divorced, father or just a regular father who's not divorced, talk about your failures, let them know that they don't have to be perfectionistic in life. Here's another one saying I'm sorry, practice saying I am sorry, this is extremely wise. And say it often. I'm a behavioral psychologist, Dr. Kevin Leman says. So you'd think I have all people would know how to navigate my daughters and their emotion without wrecking havoc on the female population in my house. But sometimes I do it very wrong. And I have to say, to the hardest words for men to say I'm sorry, and be willing to say, I am wrong. I wrong, I'm sorry, in the people's smart class rich divorce talks about this as the first two most important phrases, he says starts with I am wrong. And then I am sorry, but you got the point. If you're right all the time, that hurts the raising of your daughters, reveal your embarrassing moments, all of us have embarrassing moments. They're part of life, learning how to handle them is critical in your daughter's battle against perfectionism. You can start by revealing some of your own. Don't measure her success by her achievement. When Holly first went to college, our firstborn, straight A student started pulling all C's. Years later, when somebody asked her hi responded, she said dad didn't overreact, his attitude more was there, your grades, it's your life.

If those grades are good enough, you'll bear the consequences and get the rewards. Now, in a sense, it's not it's almost kind of a clinical way to say it. But what Dr. Kevin Leman were saying is, look, this is your life. I'm not going to worry about you getting C's, I love you as a daughter. After daughters are married, here's a few wise ideas. Don't ask what she's making for dinner, especially if she can't cook, okay? Don't take sides in any disagreement, memorize the words, I'm sure you guys will handle it, I'm sure you'll work it out. That keeps you out of the line of fire and shows your positive expectation and confidence in them as a couple. Shut up until they ask know what that means in Western culture is, you know, don't meddle in what they're doing. Unless ask you to help. And I know and sometimes I can do that with my daughters, and my married daughters to often and see something I'll just come in. And, and I need to listen to these words. And every day I'd need and especially dad with daughters who are married. You know, these are really this is good advice. 

Don't give them money unless they request help. Another very good principle. Keep your nose in your own business. Ask about holiday visits, don't tell. Again, these are very important daughter principles that need to be honored. A good dad's quick reference guide. And here's just sort of summing up things in this presentation. engaged in your daughter's life. To stay in her heart. Be loving and steady and balanced. Your girl isn't a boy. Your job, serve, protect, defend, take calculated risks, problem solve. That's your job. No one love your daughter as an individual. Make her feel special. Keep your cool. Balance always wins the game, tell stories, build relationships, stay calm. And of course side with Mama. You know, as I think about these presentations, as a Christian leader, you're going to take many of these ideas and maybe you'll like have a little Bible study or have a sermon and you'll include some of those wisdom because in the Bible, these principles are there again and again and again. And these conversations are very important as you lead people into healthy relationships.

Video Transcript: Helping Dads with Daughters 

In this class, we're talking about pastoral care conversations. And today we're going to focus on the helping dads with daughter conversation. And this is an important conversation because in our society, it's sort of going the other way in western culture in terms of lowering the importance of the relationship of dads with daughters. Every daughter needs masculinity in their life is what Dr. Kevin Leman says, in his book, be the dad, she needs you to be the indelible imprint of father leaves on his daughter's life, published by Thomas Nelson, Dr. Leman makes the case that every daughter needs her father. After all, every daughter needs a good healthy dose of masculinity in her life. And you're the best one to convey that. The bonus is that the same principles work with the other women in your family to to be the best dad, to your daughter. You have, you don't have to surrender your masculinity. So we're going to talk about these principles. And you know, as a pastor and a leader, I've noticed that I'll see women grow up and and they'll come to me for pastoral counseling, you know, at the age of 30, or 35. And I'll notice that those areas of hurt and so forth, many times come from that father daughter relationship growing up. Why are dad so important? At first blush, everyone thinks the most important relationship in the family are the father, son, mother daughter relationships, but they're wrong. According to Dr. Kevin Leman, the cross gender relationships are most crucial. Why does the dad matter so much to a daughter in particular, a dad is the one who teaches a daughter. What a male is all about. The dads role is crucial. Her dad is the first man she loves the first men she tries to please. The first man who says no to her. 

The first man to discipline her, in effect he sets up her for success or failure with the opposite sex. Not only that, but she takes cues from how her dad treats mom as she grows up, about what to expect as a woman who is in a relationship with a man. So dad sets up her daughter's marriage relationship too. And if that dad is a man of faith, he all of a sudden takes on the awesome responsibility of representing all mighty God Himself, wow. If that made you are a little nervous, you are a smart man. And as pastors and leaders and Christian leaders, this is the gravity that we want to help fathers understand that they have a crucial role in the health of their daughters. Here are some of the ways. Dads give daughters security. If dad is a loving, steady, balanced man in his approach with his daughters, she will have the sense of security, love and trust in her relationships with men. She will also stand up for herself if males attempt to take advantage of her because she knows that her daddy would never treat her that way or allow her to be treated that way. However, if a daughter doesn't have security, love and trust in her relationship with her dad, that daughter will pay for the lack of those critical, crucial things all her life, she'll be driven toward men who aren't good for her who treat her badly. 

So allow it because it's consistent with the way she views herself in relationship to men. If daddy treats me this way, she'll think then all men must be like this. So I guess I have to put up with it. To have a man in my life. Sometimes when you're sitting with a couple and you'll see a woman who is treated poorly by a father, and you'll almost see to some things and I never liked that when I see that almost. The woman believes she deserves to be treated poorly. And sometimes even to the point where if she's not treated poorly, it's not normal for her and she seeks guys who will treat her poorly, even to the point where she'll marry someone who will treat her poorly because that is what she's used to. So, fathers, you have a really important role in your daughter's life. There are great benefits of an engaged dad. When daughters have engaged dads, they benefit from that relationship for a lifetime. Here are the few benefits. They have higher self worth. girls who have the secure love of a father see themselves in a more positive light, they're able to stand up for themselves and make good decisions. You know, I have daughters, and I love it that my daughters will talk to me and tell me what they think and learn how to be discerning. 

I love the fact that they realize that they're an image bearer of God. And that mentioned that run over their ideas or thoughts, they can stand up for themselves, even standing up for themselves while still understanding the headship principle in marriage is something that's very delightful for me to see. The fact is, they rebel less, even in the critical years. That's those teenage years. A dad who rules with an iron fist, and demands respect only increases a daughter's desire to rebel against the rules. Now in other cultures than the west culture, when we say in western culture, when we say demands respect, we are what we mean this is a little bit of a statement. A healthy dad will demand respect. But what Kevin Leman here is he's he's going a little like, in the wrong sense of the word. It's the demands is someone who is very harsh, like the Bible says, don't be harsh or exasperate your children. 

So when Kevin Leman, the same year a dad who rules with an iron fist, and demands respect only increases a daughter's desire to rebel against the rules, dads who relate to their daughters in a respectful manner, earn their respect. Daughters with dads were involved in their lives will tend to be less involved with drugs and crime because they don't need to look outside the home for love and acceptance. They will also say no more easily in dating situations, and have a lower possibility of becoming pregnant outside of marriage. There truly are great benefits, their adult relationships are healthier. The way dad treats them is the way they expect others to treat them. Does your family get the leftovers of your time. And these are things as pastors we want dads to be aware of. After golf after the football game is over, after soccer, you know, after the car gets fixed, after you finish the extra project for work, then that's what your daughter will expect out of their own husband later, don't miss out on some of the most influential work you could ever do. 

Their life trajectories are more successful. When a dad believes in a daughter she feels she can do anything. She won't put up with the guff from others, she'll power ahead through difficult situations because she knows her dad loves her and believes in her. I noticed this when when there dads who are over authority or dads who are permissive if on either one of those sides, I noticed negative things. Those were all over authority with too much authority. What they do is they hurt their daughters ability to be discerning. And I've seen that so often. On the other hand, if a dad is over permissive, what happens there is what happens the daughter just runs roughshod over every relationship. And, and she doesn't have that sense of balance, and she doesn't like authority at all. The same happens with over authority father, so over authority and permissive. Both of those us out of balance approaches with the father create this anti authority idea in their daughters. What we're trying to do and a lot of ways for Christ is to reclaim the role of masculinity in this society mix. You see why men need you women. So men aren't always good at the details or the specifics. 

But we are good at many things. Sadly today, today's society doesn't seem to have much use for men. In fact, if you watch sitcoms, which bash men with great regularity, you get the distinct impression that men aren't needed for anything. If you don't think men are needed in the family. Take a look at the stats that statistics. I shared a chapter one Kevin Leman's shared pretty impressive statistics in chapter one which we're not going to get about what happens when dads are emotionally or physically AWOL they're just distanced from their daughters. Every bit of research shows that your daughter will do better in life, because you are there. We men don't do things the same way. But male role models are needed to balance the wonderful female creature called a woman. Dad set up their daughters for healthy self esteem. Rest assured dads, you're the biggest difference maker in your daughter's life. The attention you give her the affirmation, you shower upon her, the approval you provide her all gets internalized by your daughter, to the point where she adopts the internal perspective. I am someone, I am a Reyenga girl. I'm a worthwhile human being.

I don't have to take ill treatment from anyone, and I won't. In other words, what happens is that I am an image bearer of God. Self Awareness is something that that blesses her life throughout her life. It's important for your daughter to have you in have you as a man, it's important for us to promote healthy masculinity in our congregations in our churches, wherever we're involved with. Your daughter does to need to have a problem solver, some of these things that masculinity is really into, she needs you to anticipate her needs before she has them. before they become this size of Mount Vesuvius. She needs you to help her look at situations logically from different angles. Rather than the one linch she may be looking through color with emotions. She doesn't  need you to handle every situation for her. Every child needs to learn how to solve their own problems. However, in order for daughters to do that, with confidence, they need a dad listening ear. So again, I go back to that over authority, father, and that permissive father, both of them do not help in a lot of ways. As a man, we want to hold our console at times to let our daughters figure it out. But at times, we want to be there to help them figure it out. 

Help them become discerning. On the other hand, we don't want to just be permissive, and I'll figure it out. And I don't know. And then let the hard knocks of life make them better. So there's that balance again, how to be involved, but being evolved in such a way that they own their own life. The fact of the matter is, is dad's bring different perspectives than the wife. Dad, the way you play with your kids and encourage them to take on life is usually completely different from the way your wife does. You bring certain testosterone laden qualities and characteristics to your relationships with your kids that are necessary for your daughter to achieve the balanced perspective about life. More than ever, in our society where gender is so confused, we need to reclaim as Christians and ex Christian leaders, the importance of balanced masculinity. So this is an important conversation. It's an important conversation to lead those in your church or those in society. And when we have Christ as our North Star, we can see what healthy masculinity is. And we can see how that can change someone's life forever. Whether it's in how we relate with husbands, wives, children, even sons. masculinity needs to be reclaimed to glorify God