Transcripts for Days 71-80

Day 71 – 80 - The Mother's Role in the Son's Life 

There are 4 Video Transcripts Video 

Transcript: The Mom's Role In A Son's Life

Host  0:00 

Well boys they say are made up of snips and snails and puppy dog tails. But if you were to grow up to be a man, he's gonna need one more thing. He is Mama.

 

Host  0:12 

For some moms sons are confusing right from the start. Boys may act sweet.

 

Host  0:18 

He's always been my snuggler his eyes just looked out that mine and I just fell in love. He loves to give me big open mouth kisses, or silly like wrestling words your behavior may be downright shocking. You know, everyone always tells you that like boys eat you out of house and homeless teenagers, but I think that they forgot that it starts when they're like a year old.

 

Host  0:43 

But chances are the surprises started with the first diaper change. But there's a technique to getting them to not pee everywhere. And the confusion hasn't stopped. Oh, everything is just loud. It's just very rough. Everything gets thrown everywhere. A lot of things I don't get. It's okay if you don't understand boys, but don't be tempted to leave all the big stuff to dad, internationally known psychologist, humorist and best selling author, Dr. Kevin Leman says mothers have an important role to play in their son's lives. In his latest book, what a difference a mom makes. Dr. Leman shares why a mother's relationship with her son is so important, and how to make that relationship strong at any age.

 

Host  1:33 

I love it. Please welcome back to the 700 Club. Dr. Kevin Lehman. Yeah, I'm so glad. Like you wrote the book for me. Yeah, you know, cuz, you know, I'm a single mom of a eight, almost nine year old little boy.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  1:45 

Yeah. And what a difference a mom does make in a son's life. You know, I paint the picture early in the book, that young mom is pregnant. She's all excited and got the nursery ready. And, and she goes and has the sonogram. And she says the doctor, what's that? That's a yingyang. My daughter's got a yingyang? It's a shock for many  young mommies to say what am I going to do with this? This boy? Yeah. And she's gonna find out. he spits. They make weird noises like vroom, you know, they're boys. They're different from girls. But every little guy growing up, needs a dose of femininity in his life. And he gets that from his mama. And who better to be a teacher to her little son than mom.

 

Host  2:33 

Well, let's talk a little bit more about that. Because we do when we think about boys, we instantly think about the influence that a father has in their son's life. But a mother You said the femininity is one of the characteristics. But what are some other things that a mother can lend to her son?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  2:46 

Yeah, we always think of father and son fishing along the mighty Potomac River sound so bonding, but the truth of matter is, its daddy daughter, mother son. Hmm. So you start talking about relationships, boys, little boys, or I don't say this nicely, stupid. Given to her. Three of them will go up to a 10 year old girl, that and one of them likes this little girl. What would they do? They make fools of themselves. They might push her shove her. Here's an opportunity for a mom to teach her son about how women want to be what? Treated? That's good. Women don't like rough anything.

 

Host  3:20 

That's so true. But how the same time How can a mom balance that? For instance? You know, watch the clip. And I kind of chuckled to myself because you had the mother saying I don't even understand these little boys. Like one day I came home and I said you told my son to take the dog out to go potty in the backyard and I looked out there and the dog had his leg up and my son was doing his business at the fence too. And I thought who pees outside?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  3:44 

Chris you hate to say this on national TV, but one of the joys of being a man is being able to go outside. Mama never told me but you know what mommy's do go over the top. I've got a friend who's a freshman football coach. He coaches 14 year old boys. Last week, he found two mommies in the boys locker room trying to help their 14 year olds put their football equipment on. Talk about being over the top right smart coaches. I don't want any parents in this locker room.

 

Host  4:16 

Well, let's talk about that. Doctor, let's talk about how the influence of a mother is important but how we can keep from that boundary of becoming making them into a mama's boy or having the velcro effect where we're so attached to him that we can't even let him be a man.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  4:28 

Yeah, good point. So I think as a single mom, let's pick on you got an eight year old little Chase. Yeah, almost. I mean, almost nine. So Chase needs to feel needed, wanted by you, respected by you. But he needs to see a place in your home. Hey, Chase, could you help me? I'm not strong enough. But would you live that for me? Would you move that? Or I'm looking at a car. Hey, Chase, your a guy. What do you think about this car? Tell me what you really think? Could you go on the computer and find out some things about this car because we need a new car? In other words, the word is empower you empower your son. But what are you saying I care about you. You know, my mother, God loved her. She lived to be 95 years of age. I graduated fourth from the bottom of my class in high school. Okay. I was in a reading group with a girl who ate paste. Okay, got the same, okay. A few years ago, my high school brought me back and put me on the wall of fame. And I had the most wonderful conversation with my mother, who was clearly the key parent and Kevin Leman's life. I said, hey Ma, we fooled a few people, didn't we? And she laughed. I said, she said, Oh, you're such a good boy. So remember the night the cops brought me home? Oh, yes, I do. But you are such a good boy. And, and so everything I brought up, but Oh, yes. But you are such a good boy. Just like you're going to look at little Chase. I mean, your mama bear and he's your little cub. If anybody says something negative about them.

 

Host  5:48 

I will beat them down.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  5:49 

That's right. And they're gonna deal with mama bear. Come on. So there is a special relationship. So that mom that says, watch that thing. She's going to learn that's part of what boys are all about. And who better to teach that little boy about how that little thing should be used in life in a Godly way, in a marriage, you know, it's a wonderful teaching thing in the teaching is all the time I've got a chapter in a book called planning your toddler's wedding. Hmm. I think that gets a mom's attention. Yes. What do you mean? Yeah, well, you have a lot to do with who Chase is going to bring home to marry someday. And, and respect is such a huge thing today with women, you want to rear a boy who respects women. And from day one, men have not done a good job. God says to Adam, Adam, that you eat the fruit? What's he say? Well, yeah, I did. But you know, it was that woman, that woman you gave me It made me do it. So men need to step up to the plate. And if men are going to step up to the plate, and be good kids growing up in good teenagers, and someday good husbands and fathers, it starts where in the home, and who's the best teacher? It's mommy son, father, daughter,

 

Host  6:59 

I love that. Let's fast forward, maybe, I don't know, 20 some odd years, let's take my life, for instance. And he, you know, it's one thing when he's eight years old, or nine years old and fourth grade, but it's another thing when he's out of college ready for that woman to come into his life. As a mom, when do you begin to pull back and let him be that man and let the new woman come in?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:18 

Well, you start pulling back as early as those middle school years, where that kid starts to go out and test the waters and do some things on his own. And you want the kid that responsible, give them responsibility. But again, as you as you stand back, you learn. I mean, I've got kids from almost 40 to 19. We quit having kids three times that I'm aware of. But you know, it's in stages, and you're let go and you hold them close. You let them go, you hold them close, you let them go. But all on the way you're saying I love you. And I care about you. Because kids are weird. They're stupid. I mean, call your insurance agent and ask them how come you're going to pay this huge amount of money. So Chase can drive the car someday, and he'll show you in black and white girls are better drivers than little boys. Because they're more responsible. They're more mature and all that. So again, mama bear teaches little cub. You know how life should be live. So don't ever undersell your importance? Mom, you make all the difference in the world?

 

Host  8:16 

Well, you know, I'm going to tell my son that as soon as I get home, I'm going to say, I am so important in your life, Chase Watts.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  8:22 

Don't be afraid to give them a look. And don't be afraid to discipline him and pull the rug out from underneath that little sucker.

 

Host  8:27 

him and I'm a black woman, every black woman as soon as we come out of the womb, we have that look, it's instinctual that really we just have and we got the neck to kind of go with it.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  8:36 

It's the same one that Mary gave to Jesus in John two and she says. Son, come here. Do your thing, change that water into wine. He says no. Then what happens? I think Jesus mother gave Jesus that look, the look. I believe next thing we know we're all drinking. vino.

 

Host  8:56 

Dr. Leman, thank you so much for being with us. I love it. When you're here. You bring wisdom you bring humor and just good old fashioned common sense. Well, the book is called what a difference a mom makes. And everybody knows this is my copy. But you can get yours because it's available in stores nationwide. Thank you so much again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: What a Son Needs from His Mother

 

We're going to talk now about a special relationship that a mother has with her son, or sons. A lot of times as Pastor, Christian leader, we do a lot of pastoral care and we encourage great family relationships. Dr. Kevin Leman actually wrote a book about that specific relationship with sons with their mother. What a difference a mom makes the indelible imprint, a mom leaves on her son's life. And as a Christian leader, some of these kernels of truth will be very helpful to you in leading others, those who you are leading into a thriving relationship with God and with their children, your family. Let's talk specifically about the topic. What makes boys so different from girls. And this is good for moms to understand this and dad's for that matter. So as I'm presenting this, this is great information for husbands or wives, fathers or mothers or singles. These are just principles that are very important to understand as you lead in ministry. Dr. Kevin Leman says, what makes boys so different from girls, other than the obvious, researchers in the journal subaerial cortex report a fascinating difference between men and women in regard to the part of the brain that controls visual spatial capacities, and the concepts of mental space skills necessary for tasks such as mathematics and architecture, then area of the brain is 6% larger in men than in women. But does that mean men are smarter?

 

Well, does that mean men are smarter, not necessarily, men's brains may be larger, but women's contain more brain cells. Also, male and female brains work differently. When men and women perform identical tasks, different areas of the brain light up in response. In addition, females use both hemispheres while male brain activity is restricted to one side. Perhaps that's why you sometimes feel you and your son are on the opposite sides of the planet, because you truly are, you're able to you that's a woman, you're able to bounce from brain hemisphere to brain hemisphere, but he's solidly entrenched in one, you can only see that side of the equation without your help. Another good reason God Almighty created both men and women, we need each other in many ways. Men tend to focus on the present, and the future. And they're likely to present possibilities whether they're realistic or not, they're often fast moving and risk takers.

 

Contrast that with women who tend to focus on the present, and the past due to their relational abilities. And since they use both sides of their brain, they tend to think more realistically and in detail about tasks that need to be done. As a result, they're usually more cautious and less risk taking. put the two together, it's easy to see why you and your son will sometimes disagree or even clash. Boys are risk takers, who don't want anyone else to get ahead of them in life. They've got a drive to be number one, and then during the fast lane, they're born competitive, they go after what they want with the termination. That's why you'll rarely find guys like me, in the, in the slower right hand lane of the expressway. We're always the ones zooming to the outside lane to see how far ahead we can get of the next person. This also relates to how boys get bored and they get bored fast. within the heart of every boy isn't adventure. Boys like to be on the move. I can hear some of you saying you can say that, again. He never stops. There are wildly different attention spans than girls. They prefer to look at objects for a shorter time period. But they're more active in their attention to that object. Boys are physical beings. They're attracted to the physical, they're not talking about details, there's scoping out the details.

 

The way the toy is built, the way a computer runs, or the cute waitress at Ihope is a restaurant chain in the United States. So boys have that certain spanning less attention span. Boys are more intense and tightly wired and they're bored much more quickly. Their brains move more rapidly to object to object, which means they can often get the full scope of a project more quickly than girls. But they also take less in sensory information than girls. So they can miss things along the way. That means boys sometimes misinterpret when what someone says, because they don't take the time to process both the verbal and the physical cues, to see if the person really means what they're saying. So you can see pastors and leaders and Christian leaders, that this type of information can be very important in your ministry, boys are singularly focused. When you throw any new information your boys weight. You'll also often hear that famous word, Hmm. Does that mean your boy is ignoring you? Are they just completely clueless? No, it means he deeply, he is deeply focused on the world of whatever he's thinking about. And he isn't able to change his thought track as fast. Or as often as a female as a mother can. He's solving a problem. And he's only one. And he can only handle one problem at a time.

 

But no doubt about it, the problem can be solved. So these are huge differences in males and females, males are wired to be singularly focused. When they're doing a task. They're just doing that task. They're not thinking their to do list for the rest of their day like you are or like a female is to say that boys aren't multitaskers is a miss is an understatement of the century. But mom, that's why they need you in their world. What's the nature of a boy is I'm king, hear me roar. Within the heart of every little boy is the need to be king, to conquer to be the one in charge to be the one who figures everything up by himself, the lone hero standing on top of the highest rock sword in hand. He wants to conquer boys have the need to be in control and to stay in control. They also have the innate drive to stay on top of the manure pile of life. That's why they work hard and they play hard. life belongs to those who get there first to work hard, we're the fastest who stay on top boys are primed to think and they're determined to be the conquers the winner. Now, every tough risk taking boy is to have a good dose of femininity. Okay, so now when we see something here, we see the nature how God created a boy. And now we see you in your role as a mom in the boy's life. And as you're a Christian leader.

 

These are some of the key principles that is going to be into your teaching. Every tough risk taking boy needs to needs a good dose of femininity. Now I'm not talking about getting in touch with your feminine side. For the past several decades, society has been working hard to redefine men's roles. And to emphasize the sensitive man who's supposed to enjoy cuddling and talk fast and bake basically asked big basically act like a girlfriend would. But is that really who you want your son to be a girl friend? Or do you want him to be a real man? One who is determined, honorable, goal oriented, but also loving and thoughtful toward the women in his life. Frankly, this is Dr. Kevin Leman talking. Frankly, I'm sick of getting in touch with my feminine side. I like the masculine part just fine. Thank you very much. I like channel surfing. I want to apologize for thinking about sex and football are the are the tool of the almighty's and greatest inventions respectively. I don't go to tupperware parties, Kevin Leman says. I won't eat quiche. I'm comfortable with my testosterone. I like eating with plastic forks or no fork at all. I don't need a napkin to complete my meals.

 

Again, look at this dynamic in our culture that we live in today. Sort of it's a feminizing culture in a lot of men are finding a hard time to adjust and a lot of boys are trying to figure out how to do that as well. Are you comfortable with your son? Do you affirm his maleness more than anything your son needs for you to appreciate him as a boy in doing encourage the masculine qualities you want him to have. In today's world some moms are more concerned with increasing a male sensitivity toward the female population that affirming the male qualities. But such tactics don't really produce the results, moms want. Instead, they create confusion, and confused sons tend to make terrible traumatic choices. So, as women, as moms, and if you're raising your sons, you have a very important role to develop gender roles. No woman wants a sissy for a son. She wants a tough, resilient man who can stand up for others with firm resolve in gentle compassion. Who will have a fierce protective love understanding heart for those close to him, helping your son develop clearly defined gender roles will produce such a mature adult. But it all starts with you mom. So as a Christian leader, we have to help our moms to see how important they are in the in the lives of their sons. In all my years of counseling, family counseling, speaking to literally millions of people for radio, television, the seminar, one fact has impressed me as much as anything else is the child's relationship with the parent of the opposite sex is the most important in families.

 

So with the lead that our moms understand that role is vitally important, in producing great men who are honorable, who love God even, it's an indelible imprint, mothers leave an indelible imprint on the lives of their sons, their sons may leave home graduate from college, get married, and have children of their own, and they may never stop being mommy's boy. Although it might be natural to think that the man in your inner son's life, your husband, your ex husband, the man who fathered your child, or your boyfriend would be the most influential on him. Since they're both males. The opposite is true. Your influence on your son directly, and will have a much greater impact on the man he will become. Now, moms out there can feel a little bit stressed about that. The other way to go is to say okay, I know that I am responsible to make a major impact before God in the Lord. In fact, it even goes to moms and future spouses. Mother shaped their sons in ways so profound that many live with their mom's unwritten rules imprinted on them.

 

That means your son's relationship with you, more than any other relationship will affect the way he relates to all females in his life, including bosses, co workers, subordinates, sisters, wives and daughters. how you treat him and think of him. And how he treats you and thinks of you is the key to how he will treat all other females. That means you mom, have the edge and picking your own daughter in law someday a man's marriage says far more about his relationship with his mother than about his relationship with his father. So what does sons need from mom? First, he needs to be respected. Keep in mind that little secret I share with you, your boy wants to please you. You're his mama, the most important person in the world. Even if he's asking you, I'm asking you to walk a couple of steps behind him and his friends. Your son needs you to believe he is capable, worthy human being. He needs to know he is important in your world. And not just another thing to take care of her to clean up after he longs for acceptance, a sense of belonging and compassion from you. Number two, he needs to be needed. Again, your boy wants to please you. He just may not know how to do it. If you look to capable at times multitasking abilities of moms can incredibly be intimidating to us men.

 

He may not risk trying to help. Why not give him some ways to help, you'll do him a favor to a lot of times that means that you'd be very careful about not overdoing everything for him. Even if he fails. Don't just knock him down. Give him confidence to get things done. What sons need from moms, he needs to be fulfilled as a man that includes knowing who he is specifically as a male, what makes him unique, how he should relate to women. No one can teach him more about what women want and how they deserve to be treated. Then you a woman. If you have a husband who's a wonderful daddy, your son will have a great start for male role models, uncles or other close male family members can also fill that role. For growing boy, but what the boy needs from you? Is your acceptance of his masculinity. Affirm his masculinity.

 

You often hear, that's my boy from dad. But often do you hear that statement from moms, your boys need to know that he belongs to you. Your boy needs to know that he belongs to you that you think he is special just as he is, and that you appreciate his maleness, the ways he thinks differently from you. The times he uses physical strength to shovel snow and mow grass, the way he looks out for his younger sister at school or on the playground, affirm his maleness. And you'll have a boy who will be eager to help around the house and go the extra mile for you when needed. Teach them how to treat a woman. Don't ever allow your son to treat you in any way that debases you as a female, if you do, you will be setting up a pattern in him that will negatively impact every female he has a relationship with, as well as the next generation if he has children. You know, this is an important discussion is all learning the roles. You know, I believe we as Christian leaders need to bring this teaching back into the church, we have to be okay with saying it's okay for a boy created by God to be a male. We have a gender blender culture right now where everything is just blended in together some neutral is many times the politically correct way.

 

But the Bible created male and female. And for a man, the mom is the first example of femininity, and a mom can be there to say you know what is great to be a male. But it's also awesome to treat a woman with grace and respect. Now, sometimes Dr. Kevin Leman can be accused of stereotyping. All men are not like this. All women are not like this. If we could talk about the exceptions, why don't we talk about the majors the rule? Why don't we talk about the way it really is. And that's how we lead. Let's not be those who get preoccupied with exceptions. Let's be in the church, those who basically, in every way, then affirm what God has created. And let's teach the church, those who are in our care to embrace masculinity and femininity as how God has created. And let's not shy away from that. Let's continue to create that team. Let's continue to create a world where we affirm God's way that he set the whole thing up, because that's the in the Lord way of doing it. And Dr. Kevin Leman has a lot of insights and how to make that very practical. So as we go through this course, right, continue to write out insights that you can reproduce and teach to others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: General Wisdom for Mothers With Sons

 

We're talking about the topic of the general wisdom from mothers and sons. And as Christian leaders, we can encourage our mothers to do a great job and glorify God in the raising of their sons. This is great principals. Dr. Kevin Leman, right, I wrote a book called what a difference a mom makes the indelible imprint of mom leaves on her son's life. And I recommend that you buy this book it because we're only touching on some of the major points of this book, in terms of for your preparation as a Christian leader.

 

Here are some guiding parenting principles that apply to all parenting situations that Dr. Kevin Leman mentions in this book, and it applies across the board. Don't major on the minors, nit-picky parenting will not do well. Don't react, think then respond, emotional parenting, where things are just coming up buttons that are being pushed as a an American term for where you push a button. And it's an emotional button and there's an explosion, there's anger, or there's, you know, types of reactions that basically lose the moment in the emotion. Don't push your child. In other words, if you know that you want your child to do well be very careful not to just advance your child beyond where that child really is, is not a race and your child will grow up too soon. Anyway, a lot of times, this is the danger for firstborn. Firstborn sons and moms push that firstborn, so much. And I know that my wife and I were much more pushing our children the earlier ones than we are and the later ones because we realize that that doesn't work. Stay calm, cool, and collected at all times. In a lot of ways, being a mother to sons is just keeping your calm. So let's talk about some of the practical places that a lot of people ask questions about Dr. Kevin Leman talks about these things. So there's talking walking and potty training.

 

Every child talks and walks on a different schedule. So don't compare your son with anyone else. He is who he is, unless there's a physical problem, or a psychological problem, autism or something like that. He will walk and talk in his own time. There are natural functions like sleeping, eating going to the potty. I need you to ask you something. Dr. Kevin Leman says, chances are good that you gone potty today. But does someone give you an m&m? Every time you go potty? I think that's sort of funny. And m&m is a candy in America? No, then why should you do that with your son parents are great at fabricating schemes to get their kids to do what comes naturally. potty training is one of those things where don't make that into a big deal and a great reward thing. What do you say? Oh, Frank, Mikey has just gone poopy. Oh, come and look. Isn't that great? What's your son thinking? Boy, that wasn't so hard. One grunt in four and a half inches of poop popped out. These people will do anything for entertainment. Now let's see.

 

Hmm, let's see. Now if next time, if you make a big deal out of going out of potty training, it will become a big deal. Treat it as just a natural thing that you do. And it takes all the challenge out of it. Notice it's about reality. It's not about making this and again, I look at the early children that we had and we're much more trying to use this reward system rather than that's expected that you go potty it's expected that you behave instead of pushing potty train look for signs of readiness. Interest in a big potty dislike of whether poopy diapers, the way it feels, etc. The time to strike is when the child is interested, then be calm about it. Here's another issue of parenting sharing. Your son won't share naturally. After all, all children start out with the perspective of me, me, me and only me.

 

He needs to be taught to share by you demonstrating. before he's three, make sure that even if your child is an only child, you share things with him, and then asked him to share things with you, see Nathan, mommy shares with you grandpa shares with you. Sometimes you need to share with Johnny. By the time your child hits age three, he should be taught how to share, take turns, compete nicely and work with others. Here's another critical point, childhood mentoring. During these years attitude, behavior and character are most important. How your son treats other will say a lot about his attitudes and how he treats her and how you're raising him. What does he act like? When other kids when another kid is picked on? Does he join in with the bullying or defend the child being hurt? His response says a lot about his character. So you're going to be watching for these various things and how he interacts.

 

Notice you're working on the major things, not the minor things. So what can you do to help us take clue from your childhood what he needs from you. In other words, you look at who he is, and you see attitude, behavior character, and you're looking for how to mold him to be one who glorifies God with his life, teach him to be responsible and hold him accountable. Stay away from the activity trap. You know, when you're so busy and everybody is stressed out. That is not a great place for parenting. Enjoy your son. There are no years like these, where you figure so prominently in your son's life. Now let's talk about as your son grows to adolescence, and Dr. Kevin Leman talks about the great secrets of adolescence. And here's just a few. Your son thinks he's a klutz. And you know what he is?

 

Just, it's okay. Your son thinks he's dumb, and he does dumb things. Your son thinks he's ugly, and he is a little awkward looking. Your son really doesn't like himself. But he but he loves you notice he loves you. So this is the time to really make him feel great about who he is. That he is created by God despite the fact that major changes are coming. Your son's body will be changing continually during this time, pimples might pop out, his voice will crack. He's never been interested in girls before. But now they loom large on his masculine landscape. He also studies the handsome muscular guys in magazine covers and on TVs, that he takes a peek in his mirror and looks at himself. He looks nothing like them. And that makes them feel inferior. Your son needs you to empathize with him, but also to legit put things gently into perspective, telling stories about embarrassing things you did during your own growing up years. Provide laughter and in a longer term perspective for your son. And really that's in that time. As a mother, you're telling the adolescent son, it's okay to be adolescent. This too will pass. And there's a lot of joy in that time of life.

 

Here are some basic very important principles you can give your son understanding about money is important that your son learns how to budget his money add up all the money you spend on your child during these years groceries doctor bills and other such things aside, then divide it by 12 at the beginning of each month, give your child that amount. When your child is younger, you want to do it weekly use a smaller amount explain the allowance has to cover certain items initially make him a list of those will help him and that has and that it has to last he has to have enough money to the end of the month. No money will be given to him and less until the beginning of the next month. Okay, so this is a principal Dr. Kevin Leman believes. So in sensors allowance that helps him cover the items that he needs. I guarantee you, your son will look at the money in that envelope. And his first thought will be Hey, I'm rich. Look at all this money. I'm going to do this or that. Before long your son is out of money. And it's only the 12th of a month. There's a lot of month left when he comes to And says, Oh, Mom, I want to do pizza lunch on Tuesday, but I don't have any money. What do you say? Well, payday isn't about two weeks from Saturday, and then you'll get your allowance again. Now, that's a teachable moment, your son will remember the next month, he'll be a lot more careful about how he spends that money.

 

I know you're only 12 right now. But the next four years are going to fly by, I want you to know that I believe in you. And then I trust you. However, you if you decide not to be responsible at home, or school, you will not be driving the car. It's an open and shut case. As a parent, I'm not going to risk that what your dad and I have financially by putting our cars keys in your hands of someone who's not responsible is a huge responsibility to get behind the wheel of a car. But we have to have a conversation about texting, or do you even need to hear what I'm going to what I'm going to tell you? Do we have to talk about not having five friends in the car with you? Do you already know that? I have to discuss the rest later. But you do get my drift. Now, what are you doing? The child's only 12. But right away get that expectation that the next four years in America, the driving age for a child is 16. But already you are communicating that a non trustworthy person non responsible person is not going to be driving a car when they're 16. So it's time now to start laying those principles in. You know, Dr. Kevin Leman understands that it's better to talk when they're 12, about some of the things to plant the seeds and to nurture them now, and to be consistent. If your child knows that you follow through, they will know only one option is to be responsible. Let's talk about the teenage years.

 

Be aware of the world your son lives in every day, read the newspaper or check the news online. Be aware of things that happen in your child's school. In other words, tune into your son's world. It's not the same world you grew up in, as it's far more dangerous, and growing more so every day. The most important thing is to tune into your son's heart. He needs to know you care about him in his world. You may not like the beat of the music he's listening to. But listen to the lyrics. use phrases like Tell me more about that prop. Tell me more about that to prompt conversation. Don't ever ever interrogate him that only shut him down. But show interest in what he is interested in like building an eight foot jet or playing call to duty three, even if you don't have a clue about computer games, and he'll respond. Keep an eye on his behavior. hormone changes will cause wild mood swings. So expect moodiness expect your son to just grunt if you ask how his day went and disappear into his room until dinner. But if you notice your son spending all the time on the computer, or jumping or looking nervous when he comes into a room, you better check out the computer's history. If your son starts not caring how he looks or not even remember, those aren't typical teenager behaviors. Be aware that some teens can sink into depression in may need your help, or even some professional help digging them out.

 

You know, on this point, too, I emphasize this as Christian leaders. Stuff beyond Dr. Kevin Leman, like this is a good key as a Christian leader if you're dealing with someone within your church or your community and you're ministering to them. And you saw like awesome change in behavior, change in eating patterns, change in things that are just pretty normal. Definitely listen and help but be okay with the fact that they there may be some professional help needed and that's a good thing. set boundaries and stick to them. Family meetings in which all members have a say in family outings, rules, guidelines are critical during the time you know this is really critical to I always found that less rules enforced is better than a lot of rules unenforced. If you decide that your son has to be home by 10 It's a Friday night and he blows it, he loses his privilege to go out for a while without boundaries, there is chaos. And you'll experience the fallout.

 

Look for the rewards, catch your son doing something wonderful slip a commercial, I love seeing you help the library and digger car out of the snow. That was really kind of you, you didn't have to stop. In yet you did, remember that your little boy turned big boy once your approval the most. Driving the car again is the privilege and your son will have once he gets his license, whoever you hold the aces, that privilege is based on his being respectful member of your family. If he chooses not to be that he loses his family privilege of driving the car. Again, it's reality disciplined, B doesn't happen until A is completed without withhold the car keys from him once and it will take him off. He might go into a triad. If he does walk into a different room, no motion, just walk in different, car keys in hand, ignore him. When he sees you're not relenting. He'll try his best to change his tune. In other words, his attitude. Oh, come on mom. You know, I didn't mean that. Now notice what's happening here. His actions are connected to his behavior, which is connected to the reality as opposed to things like a big fight over authority and emotion. Get your son to focus off himself. The teen years can be very self centered years when your son will be thinking intensely about himself.

 

How do I how do I fit in at school, with my friends? Do I look lame to girls? His mind is littered with thoughts of me, me me. He's constantly comparing themselves to other males to see if he's good enough, and is competing to see if you can get the girl to notice him so to speak. In these years of me, why not do something other center together as a family activity gets your son's perspective off himself and onto those who aren't as fortunate as he is. So again, it's focusing on getting your son off himself. That even includes if you're a single parent. And you know, let's briefly talk about a single parent thrive plan. Get back to the basics. Take care of yourself and get some sleep. Be honest about what happened to get you where you are and how can things change. If you don't know what happened in the first place. Evaluate your priorities and write them down. Be ruthless about cutting your schedule to what's really duable. But I also want to be clear about something else. You're your son's mom. Again, it's the focus of getting him off himself. Even if you're a single parent. Here's some ways two ways to win your boy's heart. Let him be a boy.

 

Noisy, competitive risk taking. Share his excitement when he learned something new. treat his heart with tender loving care. Remember, he's a softy underneath. Let him conquer whatever it is he wants to conquer. In other words foster that healthy masculinity in him. So specifically, what can you do? Don't expect perfection. Nobody's perfect. You or your son will both make your share of mistakes. Use your words wisely. Focus on connection, not activities or stuff, love him unconditionally. These are all things that are very powerful in your son's life from you. I'm going to conclude this presentation this week on mom with sons with basically the top 10 countdown for being an awesome mom.

 

And again, as a Christian leader, you can share this first of all number 10. Remember, he's the boy not a girl. Number nine. I know he's adorable, but he needs to be held accountable. Number eight. Don't always pay attention to how he looks pay more attention to his heart. Number seven, how you handle his failures is more important than how you handle his victories. Number six no two children in the family should be treated the same because they're not the same, including your boy. Number five, remember that your boy will only stay weird for about 15 years. Okay. Number four. He's the wavy line all over the place, you need to be the consistent one. Number three, start with the end in mind, what do you want your son to be? In other words, attitude, behavior, character. Just think of that always in your mind. Number two, you don't get to relive moments, make every day count, realize that this is your day. And now, are you ready for number one, many have tried, and no one succeeded. You can't do it all. But what you do do will make a lasting difference in your son's life.

 

I'm glad that we looked at this topic. I think as a Christian leader, you will get many key principles that you can pass along to families that you are ministering to. And again, I want to emphasize in all of these classes, if things need more than what Dr. Kevin Leman is talking about, you might want to find a counselor or someone who can help you specifically. But if you hold to the Word of God, and you hold to the biblical principles, and you see these basic principles that were the counseling profession, in Dr. Kevin Leman's line, pretty much in his mind, the Bible in the counseling profession align. So the nice thing about somebody like Dr. Kevin Leman, is you can see so many practical applications worked out where some of the best teachings in the pastoral care and the counseling, training and a biblical worldview connect. So these are great principles as a pastor is you help those it's a great principle for Christian leaders or elders or deacons as you help those that you are leading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: Mom with Son Kernels

 

We are continuing our discussion concerning a mother's role with her son or sons. And in many ways, as Christian leaders, these types of discussions are not talked about enough. And because they're not talked about enough, a lot of the sort of the common conventional wisdom, like dads are important for their sons and moms are important for their daughters. Of course, dads and moms are important for every child. But we're focusing on the moms with sons. And today we're going to talk about certain kernels, these are just be trues that you can bring into messages you can bring into counseling, you can just have in your Christian leader repertoire. Now again, when he writes us, he writes us as a dressing a woman, a mother with her sons. So a lot of it's going to be you can do this mom, in you, as a Christian leader translate these principles into your specific situation. So he says to a mom, what can you do. And here's something that in general, a pastor or a Christian leader can do, brainstorm on what steps a mother or mothers can take to be the parents, they actually want to be. Helped them stick to that plan. Remember, it's all about connecting with your child, and nobody else can take your place. So many times, people think, you know, I'm stuck, I can't do anything about it. You'll have a mom come in panicking talking to you that things are not going well with her son.

 

This is a time to really sit down and say, okay, and if you have a whiteboard, or a chalkboard or something, you greenlight with her as to very specific topics that might help her. So today, you're going to find out some of those very specific topics. First of all, balance is vital. There's a place for letting boys be boys. But there's a time when they need to be gentlemen, teach your son to know the difference. And he'll be way ahead of the game when it comes to pursuing. That girl he has an eye on this is if you're dealing with teenagers, teach your son that kindness matters greatly. Your son should be taught the golden rule, do unto others as you'd have them do unto you, in that rule should be followed in your home by all members of the family, if you want your son, who if you want a son who will give to the poor, and others in need, model that in your home. So first of all balance, you want to teach balance as a mom to your son, addressing sexuality, above all, teach your son to treat his own sexuality with care, and to treat his date if he's a teenager or he's in his 20s or he's courting. However, the definition of dating and coupling is in your specific culture. Do you have that whole courtship process? His date, that's what they call it in many circles in America with the same care and respect.

 

The question is to solidify in his mind is, if mom was watching me, would I be comfortable with my actions, hormones run wild, and they can run while they're if there's no check on them. Teach Your son the importance of keeping his penis in his pants, and keeping his roving hands to himself. Dating means for two people to get to know each other to see if their future relationship is possible. Again, we call that courtship. But that relationship is so short circuited as soon as sex enters the picture. These days in so many western cultures and other parts of the world. So many people aren't virgins when they get married. If you teach your son the wisdom of waiting until his wedding night to share himself sexually with his bride, your son will be a prize catch indeed. We're going to talk very specifically about sexual issues with young people learn about their own sexuality prepared, in a later presentation. In this class, Kevin Leman talks about this quite a bit in other books he's written about, but just for now understand that sexuality is very important and that training for sexuality and being married is something that is very important. And it comes from the mom as well as the father. helped him to be responsible is another kernel of truth. So treat your son as part of the family. After all, he lives in a home, not in a hotel.

 

So we should pitch in to help the more tasks he does the more confident he gets in doing them, I want to say that again, the more tasks he does, the more confident he gets in doing them, you know, confidence in the workplace later. First of all comes on how many things a young person does when they're growing up, I remember that my parents were, were always helping me get to be confident and doing things. I did job at 14 and they went to 16. By the time I was in college, I was confident about certain things, that confidence starts in the home. As a result, his competence levels increases. If you can do even more and more on his own, never do anything for your children that they can do for themselves. By giving your son age appropriate responsibility, you're helping them get ready to move into the adult world as a healthy functioning member of society. You know, this is a principle with moms and sons the principle with dads to daughters, this is a principle for parents for both sons or daughters. That whole principle of teaching them responsibility while they're at home with you.

 

Help them be comfortable with failure. So mom, give your son the freedom to fail while he is in the nest. How you handle his failures is so much more important than how you handle his victories. It's easy to be critical to pick up flaws, to harp continually on mistakes he's made. But think of it this way, if your words were directed at yourself, how would you feel, shamed, embarrassed? Or would the gentleness of your words and the actions make you say, you know, you're right, I shouldn't have done that. That was stupid. So thanks for pointing me on the right path. I'll do better next time. Where you helped me see there in how you have that attitude about failure is, hey, get back up there. Let's try it again. Try something else. Let's pray about it. Here's another one, to really keep in mind a kernel of truth, how were you treated, and this is, is something that is a kernel because as a mom, how you are treated as a child by your father does leak over into how you treat your son. Think about how you're, how did your dad treat you? Do you have any unresolved issues with him? As a result? Are there ways that which your son reminds you of your father, or the things that annoyed you, or annoy you about your husband or your ex if you're not married? Or the man who fathered your son if you're just a single mom? And these issues are pertinent in you? In what ways? Do these feelings influence the way you treat your son? How did your mom treat you? Was it similar to how your dad treated you?

 

Or the exact opposite? How did her treatment make you feel? Do you have any unresolved issues as a result, use a two column list on a journal or talk to a trusted friend to help you separate your feelings about your father or for that matter your mother from your feelings about your son. In a lot of ways, what this is called, is a genogram. In other classes at Christian leaders Institute, we talked about diagramming various things that push buttons that hold you back in your parenting, this is a very important thing and and to be freely self aware of things that happen in your life be open about these things, a lot of times what people do is they they kind of cover them or keep them there don't want to talk about them. And then what happens when they parent just things burst out or things get hidden in, and it hurts those relationships. So to really be honest about how you were treated and, and how to move beyond some maybe unresolved in in the world of Christian psychology where they say unresolved, it means the hurt is still there. The bitterness is still there. There's something there that basically holds you back from freely acting out as a mom or a parent in a way that really brings health to your marriage to your family, to your children to others.

 

So, let one key issue could be your relationship with your father. Your relationship with your dad has everything to do with the way you think and treat your husband if you're married men in general, your son in particular, in the frustrations you experienced with your dad can be passed on to your son through you just because your son is a male, what they call that as they call that transference. Just because he's a male, he pricks certain hurts, or unresolved issues from your past, that somebody may say, well, this sounds a lot like, you know, psychology and stuff like that. Is that in the Bible? Yes, it is. It's all over the Bible. You'll see that, for instance, in the story of Joseph in his brothers, you see, the unresolved jealousy of the brothers can prick the moment they see that coat of many colors. And what do they do they react in anger. Instead of dealing with their jealousy, they react and they put them in a pet and sell him to the traders, the minutes that traders that go to Egypt. Here's some more kernels. And these are principles and Dr. Kevin Leman's writings that are that appear in almost every one of his books when it comes to parenting. And that's the authoritarian parent. And I'm going to remind you of just briefly what they are. You'll see them again and again. And these are great tips for pastors, leaders, Christian leaders, elders, deacons, as you're leading chaplains, as you're leading, you're going to see these critical poles in the world what to do about that in parenting and in many authority issues of life.

 

So there's there is the authoritarian parents see their children as little in themselves as bigger and better. They allow no freedom for individuality in their child or for anything to happen beyond their control. They're really control people. They make all the decisions for the children use reward and punishment to control their children off often the debates about cap you know about punishment and about using spankings and all of these things. A lot of times the excessive debate comes with a tour authoritarian parents who right away use extreme discipline forms. So in a lot of ways the authoritarian Christian parents have given Christianity a bad name in western society over this issue, so a lot of people will then react well how will they react? Many people then react with becoming permissive. So then the Christian or secular permissive parents who believe in act like their children, that their child is the center of the universe, in what happens they robbed their child of self respect by doing things for him that he should do for himself. Often they're consistent yo yo based on their child demands. And their goal is to make their child's life easy street lot of times people call gentle parenting is a word that's out there right now.

 

Again, gentle parenting can be very much included in this next category, authoritative parents, who are loving and consistent in their discipline, and that could be gentle. Who present age appropriate choices, who let every family member have their say, hold their child accountable for his actions. Let reality be the teacher, you know, authoritative parent basically lives out that Ephesians chapter 6:1-6 passage where there is, look, we're in a relationship together, children, obey your parents, listen carefully to them. Parents don't exasperate your children. More and more you want your children to have that sort of owning their choices. When something happens that they created, if possible, merely live with the consequences. You are not the consequence. Your authority is not always up to grabs. It's the consequence that basically communicates. So let's talk then about, we've got that authoritarian, we have that permissive poll and our authoritative understanding. And now let's think about that in terms of actual your children. So first of all, let's talk about your firstborn. What does your firstborn need? Well, your firstborn need, he needs to know his place in the family and in your heart is secure.

 

Often a firstborn is very sensitive, and they will question things like that. Because new people come along, either if there's more children that is in the family, in that firstborn can all of a sudden feel like, you know, I might not be loved like I once was. So be sensitive to that. He doesn't have to do everything, or do it right that some of those struggles sport has a little more perfectionism. And it's okay to fail. Those are just key issues a firstborn needs from you as a mom, what does a middle child need to know that he has an important place in the family, and that what he thinks and feels matters, to be encouraged in his area of strength, and to develop a good core group of friends, since they'll be a key part of his life, in that core group of friends is very important. One of the things I always heard, encouraged from very qualified Christian leaders and counselors is try as much as you can to be the host of friendships, you know, at your house, hey, and have your kids hang out at your house, because you can be part of that selection process. What does your last born need to know that life isn't a continual party, that he has to pull his own weight in the family fun is a good thing. But sometimes you have to get the job done to, to realize that not everyone will think he's cute. Or that what he does is cute, to learn how to think through situations and see the consequences before he acts to realize that manipulating others will only go so far before his brothers will pound lumps on him.

 

Now what that means is a look a lot of times the older children in the family, this is sort of an American phrase, we'll sort of regulate the actions of last born because a lot of times parents are more mellow by the time the last born comes along. What can you do? Treat each child as an individual, make time to spend time with each child, just you and him. Avoid comparing one child to another. Make sure each child pulls his own weight in the family. So these are just very practical plans that you can do as a mother with your son. Share the three things that matter most in your son's life. It's attitude, behavior, and character. If you as a mom can just focus now on 1000 things in there are 1000 things you could in fact focus on. But if you can always look and memorize as pastors and leaders to help with moms and dads in this case, attitude, behavior and character for a male this is very important. How is your son doing? Is he the kind of person you'd want to hire if you were a potential supervisor someday, if that what needs to change? There are many young men in today's society who have negative attitudes, who basically have defeatist attitude who basically don't have that attitude that's positive and winsome. And an attitude that basically, you know, in fact, we have a word called the two dama attitude. And it really means that they just don't have that pleasing desire. They don't have that smiling.

 

I want to hire this person, I want this person in my life. Now moms, pastors, Christian leaders, this is very important in the courtship process, because who wants to marry someone that has a tutor attitude, behavior? What are the basic habits of your son's life, is your son you know learning how to work? He is a someone who, who has good habits in his life, cleanliness, order in his life. And then there's character, who is he when no one's looking? Does he do the right thing? Because that is the right thing. Again, all of this has everything to do with his spirituality, his connecting to the Lord. attitude, behavior and character is a function of his walk with God. So these are critical, important things to home disciple, your son, to love God in that relationship with God love everything to do with the rest of his life. Okay, so let's talk about the discipline of your son. Well, here's five things that that Dr. Kevin Leman talks about that apply when they're very young. Or even to some extent when they're older, although the it diminishes as they get older. If you treat if you lead them correctly, when they're young, you'll have a better time when they're older. Here's what he talks about.

 

Don't let your son push your buttons. In other words. Don't discipline out of emotion. Because if you discipline out of emotion, it just seems like you're subtle. Keep pushing your buttons. This is just a general principle that Dr. Kevin Leman writes in all his books. So I would even say for parents, don't let your children push your buttons, say it once. Turn your back, walk away. Dr. Kevin Leman says it works every time. Now, as I've read many of his books, here's some just a little complicated in this case. So you say it once you turn your back. Now, if they completely respond in a selfish, non listening way, you walk away. And they continue to go your way with no emotion. Take your son, take your child, for that matter. Put that child on timeout, walk away, no emotion. When that child sees that, all their little, you know, emotional reactions and whatnot, are not going to push your buttons.

 

When that child sees that you say what you say you mean what you say you don't create excuses for that child. Whether that child is tired or whether you're tired is all the same. Hear yes is yes. Your no is no. And then move on. Now as this goes through the teenage years, keep your yes be yes and your no be no. And be very clear. That way. You're not confusing your son, your son doesn't have to have time to figure out how to manipulate his parents. follow through. If you say something that's going to happen, make it happen. No, wishy washiness. No, I'm too tired to follow through. Your son's got your number. And if you don't follow through on what you said you do, he will test you to see how far he can push you. And you will say, you have to finish your science project. For the fair before you play Xbox, and don't back down. The science project gets done first, if your son sneaks behind your back and plays Xbox anyway, he loses his Xbox privileges for that night. And the next week. See what's happening here is the sinful nature is in our children, just like it's in us. And we help him process we help our children process, that sinful nature to see that that sinful nature brings them consequences. Now, if you make it about your authority, when you take away the Xbox, then your authority is what gets put on the stage. No, it's his actions that get put on the stage. Oh, I said to get your project done. First, you played Xbox. Xbox must be hurting you to get your project done. So no problem. We'll put that away for tonight, and next week.

 

See, it's sort of like, wait a minute, you're being mean? No, I'm not. I'm helping you. You won't have to get your science project done. You've somehow played Xbox. Xbox is making you stumble, I want to take Xbox out of your life, for your benefit. Notice that follow through. Now if you say you know you are a little tired, and it's too much work, the teacher had to give you all that work. And the science project is coming too soon. I'll just go play Xbox. I know I told you don't play it, but go play it anyway. See, what you're basically teaching your son is how to basically be a procrastinator, how to get around things and, and how the consequences don't matter. You know, all of these things are easier said than done. And takes time, and prayer and encouragement and but you know, your sons need you as a mom to to be that balance provider. Last time we talked about how you teach what femininity is about you a role of a mom to a son is very important. And as a Christian leader, these are principles you can teach. And you can when you're doing counseling, you can notice some of these principles are out of balance. You can maybe give a little encouragement or maybe show some of these quotes to somebody that you're leading. Whatever it is understand this. Parenting is a covenant between God, you, your children, and God is there to help moms, dads, Christian leaders, to even glorify more God more and more in the parenting relationships.