Transcripts for Days 81-90

Day 81 – 90 - Establishing Parental Authority 

There are 6 Video Transcripts 

Video Transcript: Important Ideas for Child Rearing - Bruce Ballast

Hello, I'm Bruce Ballast and I've been asked to talk to you a little bit about child rearing. And now I start with a disclaimer in that I am not an expert in child rearing. I was once upon a time actually, I was somebody who had two little children. And the way I approach things is to read everything I can about what I'm dealing with. And so I read all about child discipline about child rearing and bringing up in the right way. And I produced a class which show was four sessions that I call evenings with parents, and I thought I was an expert in child rearing. And then my third child was born and raised kids got a little older, and I decided, I know very little, I think one person put a very well said, I used to have 10 commandments for raising children says but now he says I have a few suggestions that I hope are good for you.

 

Well, today is going to be on that end of things that we're going to look at a few suggestions that maybe will be helpful to you. I want to begin with just a statement about Adrian Peterson. Adrian Peterson now plays football from the New Orleans Saints. He was with the Minnesota Vikings. He was an MVP a few years back. He was arrested for something that you don't see professional football players arrested for very often. I mean, nowadays in the United States. Here we see our professional sports people arrested for drug abuse for spousal abuse and that sort of thing. Sometimes for playing the stock market a little too close with insider information, those kinds of things. But he was arrested because he spanked his child. One of the commentators on that man named Nirvana Reginal Gale wrote this to the la times after he had been arrested and then released. This is what he said. This morning I was watching first take on ESPN was Skip Bayless, Steven Naismith and Carry Champion, they were talking about the recent plight of the football player Adrian Peterson, and his plea deal for the child abuse of beating his son.

 

He got a simple slap on the wrist, play on words there of a misdemeanor and 80 hours of community service. There were no additional requirements for individual counseling or parenting classes, which I would have assist insisted on. As the three ESPN commentators debated the subject, it was clear about their own reticence on this topic, with all of them citing that they too were beat with instruments of some sort coming up, and all turned out all right. For so long, folks have used that old Bible passage, spare the rod, and spoil the child to justify all manner of corporal punishment and child abuse. People beat their children to control them, and get them to do what they want, and then justify it by their archaic interpretation of this Bible statement. And the fact that they were raised that way and turned out all right. That phrase that he quoted there, spare the rod, and spoil the child, as he calls it, that old Bible passage is not in the Bible.

 

They're recently studying those phrases that we think are in the Bible, but are not things like you know, the Lord helps those who help themselves. 60% of believers in our country here, believe that that is in the Bible. It's not there are all sorts of phrases that we think are in the Bible. But they're not this is one of them. spare the rod, spoil the child is not in the Bible. Now, the Bible does say something very similar. If you go to Proverbs 13 verse 24. This is what it says. It says, whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. That's a similar thought. But it's a little different. And yet this gets us into some dangerous territory. Because we have talked about do you spank children or do not spank them. And that is a very controversial subject in today's world. In fact, the state of Delaware has now outlawed spanking of children and the laws written, as critics say, very loosely. In fact, a key phrase is that anyone who causes harm or causes pain to their children can be put into jail for up to two years. Although the nation of Brazil has outlawed spanking, so if you spank your children, you're putting yourself at risk of going to prison. And yet, here the Bible says he who spares the rod hates his child.

 

What do we do with that? In fact, if you look elsewhere in Proverbs, you find similar kinds of statements. Now, the Book of Proverbs is a book of writings. In other words, it's Solomon's reflections and others reflections on life. It's common ideas of what they see happening in life. And so he was spares the rod hates his children was something that Solomon saw that children, some children who grow up without boundaries and, and they grew up poorly. And so he's giving an observation here. But he says over and over again because it must have importance. here's another statement, folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. That's proverbs 22, verse 15, or this 23 Proverbs. Do not withhold discipline from a child, if you punish him with the rod, he will not die, punish him with a rod and save his soul from death. Or this one from proverbs 29 verse 15. The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother. Now it's fascinating. You know what I was looking at these phrases that aren't in the Bible. This phrase spare the rod and spoil the child was actually written by a poet named Samuel Butler back in 1663. And he took it to mean almost exactly the opposite of what we say when we use that phrase. He wrote a poem and it was a satirical poem, it was kind of attacking the legalistic kind of life of the Puritans in England at that time. Here are the two lines in which you mentioned this phrase, what medicine else can cure the fits of lovers when they lose their wits?

 

Love is a boy by poet style, then spare the rod and spoil the child that's poetry. So how do you interpret it? What what are you saying is here is that, you know, when a kid falls in love, remove all restrictions from him, just just let them go when kids fall in love and let them be what they want to be. Now we use it just the opposite way. What does it mean then to spare the rod or he who spares the rod hates his children, folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. Now in order to understand that, you have to look at what is being referred to as the rod. A shepherd had two pieces of vital equipment, the one was a shepherd's crook, and you probably seen pictures of those long staffs with a curved end. And that was used by the shepherd for a variety of things. He walked with it, but the curved end gave him something he could call a sheep back if they were wandering off. And sometimes we tap him on the back if they were going in the wrong place.

 

It is a very useful instrument. And then he had a rod he had a staff and the rod the rod was a club made out of hard work, maybe about that long. And it was used primarily as a defensive weapon. In fact, it's referred to that way in Psalm 23, which you probably know if you've been walking with Jesus for very long, The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not one He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. And then it gets to verse four, which says, even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod, and your staff, they comfort me. And so the rod was primarily a defensive kind of weapons. It was intended to ward off any wild animal that might come or any person who might come and try to steal the sheep. And so a sheep in Psalm 23, should take comfort in the fact that the shepherd has this rod. But on occasion, the rod would also become a form of discipline for the shepherd. If a sheep was going far astray, and continued to do that would not respond to the taking back with the staff. The sheperd would take the rod and hit him, on his hind quarters, now I wasn't trying to damage the sheep or beat the sheep, he was simply trying to give the sheep correction, something that that sheep could respect. In fact, if a sheep got so used to the rod, a separate could throw the rod in front of the sheep, and that would be enough to have the sheep scurry back toward the flock. So the point here is that sheep are dumb, and they are stupid animals. And so when scripture compares us to sheep, it's like, we're really dumb.

 

A sheep could wonder off and it happened often that they will wonder off from a flock and they would go off and sometimes walk off a cliff. Or they walk into water and their, their world would soak up the water and they would drown. And so the shepherd had a very important task of trying to keep these sheep together weren't too bright, keep them together, keep them safe, keep them fed. Keep them provided for, and that would allow them to grow. And that would allow them to get to the point where they were producing wool or eventually food for the people for whom the shepherd was working. And so that's the shepherd's rod. Now, what does this mean for us? I think it means more than just do we spank a child or not spank a child. What it means is that we are to look at this in a big picture of disciplining a child, taking a child who will wander off in unproductive unfruitful directions. And so the wise parents are wise grandparents, helps give correction to that child and get them back on a path which will lead them to fullness. Now, children, much like sheep, sometimes aren't very bright. Many years ago, the state of Minnesota in the United States was trying to figure out what is the source of crime, crime rates were going up during that time, and they wanted to get at the root of crime.

 

They didn't want to just deal with the fact that they should build more prisons or they should have more police officers. They wanted to figure out how do we stop crime earlier? And so they did a study on crime, the root of crime. And here's one of their conclusions. Every baby they said, starts life as a little savage. How do you like. He is completely selfish and self centered. He wants what he wants what he wants it his bottle, his mother's attention, his playmates toy, his uncle's watch, deny these, and he seems with rage and aggressiveness, which would be murderous where he not so helpless. He is in fact dirty. He has no morals, no knowledge, no skills. This means that all children, not just certain children are born, delinquents are permitted to continue in the self centered world of his infancy, given free rein to his impulsive actions to satisfy his wants. Every child would grow up a criminal, a thief, a killer or rapist. Now, that's not a Christian person writing this, that's not geared toward a Christian audience. It was geared toward a secular audience that tried to understand kids. Now we understand that because we have theology, which says that we are born with a bent to us. It's called iniquity. And this comes from Adam and Eve and their first choice to sin.

 

But we have a tendency toward evil. And so one of the jobs with parents is taking children who have a tendency toward what is wrong, what is unhelpful? What can be hurtful, and correct it. Bring correction into that life. And by the way, one person I read, they said that the rod really stands for all the insight, all the knowledge, all the spiritual transformation, that a child is going to need to grow up effectively, to grow up to be a responsible adult, and, more importantly, a follower of Jesus Christ. So that's what it means that, he who spare the rod hates his child. If you withhold that, you're going to let your child go into areas where they are going to experience great pain in their life. Now, having said that, I want to close by just getting some, practical suggestions about parenting. As I said, I am a father of three children, I am a grandfather to 10 children. So I'm having a little bit of experience in dealing with children. I've read a lot about dealing with children. But again, I don't claim to be an expert. These are things I've kind of observed. So this is not in the line of 10 commandments for rearing your children. It's more like here's a few suggestions that I found to be helpful. And I hope they're helpful to you. So, first suggestion when you are dealing with disciplining your child is simply this. Choose your rules or your boundaries carefully.

 

Now as we have a child growing up, first time, parents have a tendency to make very strict rules and sometimes about some really kind of unimportant things. When our first child, our son, was just getting to toddle a little bit. He couldn't walk on his own, but he could walk around the coffee table. Well, the coffee table in our living room, we had a cactus arrangement. And I had served a very my seminary years, the small church in Arizona, and then going away gift one of the families gave us this beautiful arrangement of various cacti and lovely because they don't need watering much for care much and they thrive. And so we have this sitting on our coffee table and our son begins to get up climb up next to the coffee table or walk around it and we cuz he's curious mind, he's reaching out to grab one of those cacti. And we decided that we should teach him not to do that. And so every time he'd reach for one of those cacti, we would take his hand and slap it a little bit, and we'd say no. And we did that for about a week until my wife and I looked at each other at one point and said, this is really stupid. I mean, why are we doing this?

 

There are other choices we could have, let him grab a cactus. And that would have been what we're going to talk about in a moment, natural consequences, and he probably wouldn't have done it again. Or we could just put the thing on the shelf, which we finally decided to do. So that's not worth making a rule about. Choose the things you're going to battle over very carefully. Make sure they are things that are important to your child's development as a human being. Now, one of the things I've noticed is that as you have more children, you tend to relax your rules, don't you if you've got more than one child or two children, you've probably relaxed the rules and that I came across this one piece, which I found rather cute. And I think it was written by a woman.

 

Apologies to women, but it was a reflection on a mother's experience through three children. Preparing for birth. First Baby, you practice deep breathing religiously. Second, baby, you don't practice breathing, because remember, it didn't help last time. And third baby, you asked for an epidural in your eighth month. a crying baby. First baby at the first sign of a whimper a frown, you pick up the baby. Second Baby, you pick up the baby when her Wales threatened to wake your firstborn. Third Baby, you teach your three year old how to rewind the mechanical swings, baby centers the first baby first time you leave your baby with a sitter you call home five times a second baby. Before you walk out the door, you leave a number where you can be reached. Third Baby, you leave instructions for the sitter to call only if there's blood or activities at home. You spend time every day just gazing at the baby. Second Baby, you spend time making sure your older child isn't poking or hitting the baby. Third Baby, you spend a little bit of time every day hiding from the children or this one swallowing coins. first child you rushed the child to the hospital and demand an X ray. second child, you carefully watch for the coin to pass third child, you deduct it from his allowance. So that's like, you know, somebody's looking at this whole thing humorously.

 

But the reality is that as the number of children increase, we realized that the rules we made for the first one, maybe weren't all that important. I was the seventh child in my family. And I didn't know there were rules hardly, because they just became a much more open and free atmosphere under my mother's tutoring. So the first one is choose your rules carefully. Don't get stuck in making all the little kinds of things that make no difference to this child's upbringing eventually. Second one is you should be clear about those rules with your children. Trial shouldn't happen, guess whether he or she is breaking a rule, there should be clear boundaries that are set and an understanding of what the consequences are, should the child choose to go over that boundary. Now, that's a rather simple one. But it's an important one. Because if the child doesn't know, then it becomes a very insecure atmosphere for them. children want boundaries. Two years ago, there was a study done, where they remove the fences at an elementary school. And they found that with the fences, the boundaries were removed to children all huddled in the middle. Because they were scared. They they felt insecure. Well, if if the boundaries are not clear, or they're not their children go up with a sense of insecurity. And so there should be a sense of being clear about the boundaries, and what are the consequences for stepping over those boundaries.

 

So next suggestion is catch your children doing what's right. It's far more powerful to give a child encouragement when they're choosing to do the right thing than punishing them when they do the wrong thing. In fact, encouragement studies have shown is incredibly powerful. years ago, there was a group of women at Radcliffe college, five of them, and they were all aspiring writers. And so they decided that they were going to help each other become better writers. So they began to gather together once a week, and one of the women would present something that they had read, and then the others would critique it. But they had an emphasis on encouraging everything good they can find in that piece of writing. Now, five man at Harvard College decided to do the same thing. And they met together. And each week one would present something they had written, and the others would critique it. But they were brutal in their critique. And their idea was they thought, if we could just do really bash, every bad thing in this piece of writing will become better writers. Well, years later, it was noted that four out of the five women became published authors, and none of the men became published authors. You're going to go a long way, if you catch your children doing what's right. And then you say to them, good job. Encourage them in what's right, choose to catch them doing rights. Fourthly, be consistent. Don't get into whining one time, and not another, don't punish something one time and not another, be consistent. Because it's never a good thing to discipline a child in anger.

 

Now sometimes we respond to a child what they're doing with anger. But the job is to become wonderful story about a guy in a grocery store is pushing along, a woman notices he's got a three year old in the seat, they're about three years old, in the car with him and the kid is just wailing up a stream and the guy is talking to them all the way and saying, you know, be calm Albert, just calm down. Now, Albert, get control of yourself, Albert, you're okay. And a woman notice this and came up to the man and said, I am really impressed the way you talk to your son. I mean, you're, you're so consistently encouraging and calm with him. And wow, your son, Albert is really blessed to have you as a parent, the guy said, Oh, my name is Albert, his name is Sam. So he was talking to himself be calm you may have to do that, to be calm, and not just lash out in anger. And then use a variety of methods is another suggestion. Spanking is a method that most experts say should be reserved for rebellion against you as an authority or a person. So not something to be used lightly. But there are other ways to do it, there are natural consequences, I gave the example of grabbing a cactus that would be a natural consequence, for a behavior. There are other consequences that a child won't eat at meal, a natural consequence would be okay, where you're not eating again until the next meal.

 

So you're going to go hungry. That's the kind of thing of natural consequences. If they can't play with a child, there would be a logical consequence. That's another type of discipline, a logical consequence, you're not playing well, with children, I'm going to remove you. And you have to be by yourself in a room or you have to play with somebody else in your room. Or the logical consequence of, you're always late for dinner. All right? You don't eat tonight. Find a variety of ways of bringing your child back into a correct way, living in important within the boundaries of life, that God has designed. We could go on and on with this stuff about the prompt, whether you're disciplined and that sort of thing. But one of the most important suggestions I can give you is to study your child, is what you and your child Charles Swindoll, talks about that great passage, proverb again, you know train a child in the way he should go. And when he is old, he'll not depart from it. And he takes that phrase in the way he should go and says in the Hebrew, what it really means is that the way he himself or herself should go, in other words, each child is a unique creation of God. And part of our job as parents is to discover, what is God doing with this child? What does God intend with this child so you study your child? Where are they strong? Are they strong and academics? Well, how can you encourage that? How can you give them opportunities to grow in their knowledge. Are they great in athletics? How can you encourage that?

 

How can you help them become better at it? How can you help them make good choices about sports? And how can you teach them discipline and making commitments to a sporting team? Or are they good at music, find those things that they're good at, and find ways to encourage them to become what they should become, as God has created them to become? And they're also a study your child's to find out where are those areas where they tend to wonder off, where they may need discipline they may need bringing back into the fold going the right direction, and for each child that might be different. And so your job as a parent is to try to study your child and figure out how do I take this child and help them become everything God has designed to be. Now our model for discipline, of course, is God Himself. In the book of Hebrews, we have defined for us how God disciplines us. This is what it says in chapter 12, verses one through five.

 

Have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son, it says, my son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline and do not lose heart when he rebukes you. Because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chases everyone he accepts as his son. Endure hardship as discipline, God is treating you as his children, for what children are not disciplined by their father. If you are not disciplined and everyone undergoes discipline, then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the father of spirits and live? They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best, but God disciplines us for our good in order that we may share in His Holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. May God bless you as you take up that incredibly important task of parenting or maybe you're a grandparent, and you have responsibility for caring for your grandchildren, or maybe you're part of a church and you see a need in the children's ministry of your church. May God bless you, as you have an incredibly important role to play. Playing the role of Shepherd taking care of sheep to the glory of God.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: Parenting Powerful Children Dr Kevin Leman

 

Host  0:01 

New York Times bestselling author Dr. Kevin Leman says every family has what he calls a powerful child. He also says that these strong willed kids don't just happen, they're created. And the secret to turning your child's attention seeking power driven behavior in a positive direction is to take control. In his latest book, parenting your powerful child, Dr. Leman shows you how to end the everyday battles with your children, so you can prepare them for a productive adult life.

 

Windy  0:33 

And please welcome back to the 700 Club, a former powerful child himself, Kevin Leman. Well they say Kevin, it takes one to know one what kind of powerful child were you I can only imagine

 

Dr Kevin Leman  0:44 

well I crawled out of world history class on my hands and knees I was thrown out a Cub Scouts I graduated fourth about in my class in high school I was a handful baby the family attention getter,

 

Windy  0:56 

like you give hope for everyone. You've written 40 books you were like a terrible student.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  1:00 

Yeah. And and powerful kids. My goodness, they're all over.

 

Windy  1:04 

What are some characteristics? Trademarks of powerful kids?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  1:09 

Well, they're easy to spot. Some of them are the ones who throw temper tantrums in the mall. And of course, with that powerful child, you step over the child. And notice this little ankle biter follows you when you step over. Why? Because that's his way of saying, Hey, I'm in authority over you. So those guys are easy to spot, the teenager who slams the door, you know? And what most parents say to that kid when they don't you slam a door in this house, young man, right? Do you think it could work parents? If you said something like, excuse me, honey, what does that slam door mean? Does that mean that you're sick of living in this four bedroom home with all the amenities of life? In other words, don't go ask him for trouble with powerful kids because they come also Wendy, in the quiet. sensitive. Dr. Leman. Melanie is very sensitive, very sensitive child. Be careful, because he's sensitive, shy little kids can be powerful little buzzards,

 

Windy  1:58 

like very maybe manipulative or something. Yeah, they're great at it. Now, is there always one at least one powerful child in a family or sometimes more than one

 

Dr Kevin Leman  2:09 

where there can be more than one there's usually one. But here's the interesting thing is we create in a little tease we had it says Leman says we create the powerful child, parents, you're the power source. So let's take little Fletcher, he's just 18 months old, and he could win Olympic gold at arching his back. And you try to get him into the highchair and he arches back. As what wife says to Roger, Roger, just give them to me, I'll hold them honey. So there's little Fletcher being hand fed on mommy's lap now you'll be 18 month old Fletcher for a minute. Okay? Would you rather be fed on mommy's warm lap or sitting that cheap plastic chair they bought at Walmart, mommy's warm lap for sure. So we teach kids, if they are powerful, and we try to make them happy, happy, happy at every turn. If you're a parent, who's lying awake at night and saying, you know, if the truth were known, I would like to FedEx at least one of my children to a far off land. This is a book for you.

 

Windy  3:11 

Why is it so important to identify powerful children early like, you know, 18 months or?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  3:17 

Well, because the powerful child becomes the powerful, pubescent an adolescent, you don't want an adult, an adult, and then the husband, or the wife, you know, in all the years of working with married people, I've never heard a woman say to me, oh, Dr. Leman, I love the way my husband controls me. Because he powerful people tend to be controllers. And so we're back to what good old St Paul said, Ephesians six, it's interesting, the trait of a child is a fundamental thing. But it says in the way he should go, which indicates that each child is different. But in Ephesians, six, he says children obey your parents is the right thing to do. They flips around and says what? And now where do you parents? So what's that balance, not the authoritarian, or you go and do what I tell you to do, which is what most certainly Christian and people of faith have brought their kids up with that kind of admonitions. But now we have the permissives who want their kids to be happy, and do their homework for them, who enrol them in non competitive soccer because every child Dr Leman should get a trophy. So we have these extremes represented. But the only way God's way, quite frankly, is to bring up kids in healthy authority. And that negates the child becoming the powerful center of attention.

 

Windy  4:36 

Were you a firstborn?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  4:38 

No, I was a Snooki. I was a baby. I had a sister who is perfect and still is. And a brother who was the quarterback on the football team and see, every child tries to get attention.

 

Windy  4:49 

It's interesting because the I'm a firstborn, and you are the baby. So we are very opposite because firstborns tend to be trailblazers and go getters and controlling and perfectionist. And the babies are the entertainers. I read that in your book I thought that is so true. I'm the oldest of five. My baby brother. He's he made his laugh. And you know he's an attorney now, but he's still the jokester.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  5:12 

He's still hilariously crystal Eddie Murphy. Jim Carey Martin shorts. Steve Martin, Ellen DeGeneres will be Goldberg, Steve Colbert, Jonathan Stewart, Stewart, I mean, their babies, babies. Isn't that amazing?

 

Windy  5:27 

It really is something to that.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  5:28 

Look up my socks.

 

Windy  5:31 

Lord have mercy.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  5:32 

You see the problem. Now that is a baby of the family sucks. Now.

 

Windy  5:37 

Like the Joker and Batman?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  5:39 

Well, but see, I competed with older sister and brother. And what I learned as a kid, I mean, I've shrunk myself. So a kid can be powerful in any position of the family. The point is, if you parent can learn to change your words you choose to use with your kid is the best part of the book. Yes, you can change that kid's life. For example, a kid says I want to go to a concert, you're not going to concert. We're not spending all that money. We're not driving all that way. Hey, you're the parent, you think he can say, Oh, hey, that's interesting time more about it. I'm open to it. Tell me what you got in mind. In other words, you really are going to talk to your kids and make a difference where they're going to go and slam and click their door and text their buddies like a woodpecker that's got ADHD and shut you out of their life. So if you want to have influence, you got to talk to your kids.

 

Windy  6:25 

And there's an example in the book about that the parents want the kid to go to grandma's birthday party, but he wants to go someplace else and play basketball or something. And instead of saying no, you know, you're going you say, that's, you're asking for a fight.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  6:41 

Yes. And that's the authoritarian. Hey, you know something, honey, I know you want to go hang out with your buddies. This is grandma's big birthday, right? We're gonna go and celebrate and honor her. You know, in life, you don't always do things you want. But I want you to think about some your grandma who I know you love. Yeah, there's not gonna be here forever. So with all due respect, get ready, because we're gonna leave in about 45 minutes.

 

Windy  7:02 

Right? That sounds better. And then maybe that could in you also say, make it a teachable moment. Right?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:09 

Yes, kids are dumber than mud. Let me go on record is saying that if you don't believe me, by the way, call your insurance agent. And ask your insurance agent why you pay so much money for your 16 year old to drive. And they'll tell you because they're dumb as mud. And they do dumb, stupid things. So we need to make situations teachable. So kids understand that everybody in this family gives back to the family. And so the kid is looking for the car keys on a Saturday, he was supposed to clean the garage, you didn't. You say to him very matter of fact, honey, you're not gonna find the keys right here in my pocket, we'll give them to me, I'm going to be late coaches gonna get mad, honey, we're gonna clean the garage. So you haven't touched it.

 

Windy  7:46 

And what's great about your book is you have scenarios where A it says want to fight. And this is what you say to your kids, if you want to have a fight and B here's how you, you know, put that

 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:56 

book 44. But I think I think parents are gonna just bathe themselves in this book. There's all kinds of takeaway for mommies, whether your kid is 4 - 14 or 24.

 

Windy  8:06 

So this, like you said, this is your 44th book. 44. Why, why now? Why this book now?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  8:13 

Well I think a lot of parents feel like general Custer on that final last day of his life. We're producing powerful kids in mass. Kids shorter in the yardstick, quite frankly, when they are in full control the adults around them

 

Windy  8:26 

and powerful in a negative sense, because that's how you use this word, right? Yeah. Because powerful can be good.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  8:32 

And you want your kid to be strong willed. Yeah, but power, strong willed and powerful are not the same strong willed kids. You want your kid to stand up, as I know, you want to have convictions, you want to stand up the world says be cool, do everything. We do want your kid to be different. But the powerful kid has an agenda that says, I'm going to win. I'm going to dominate I'm gonna control and you don't want that because that's unhealthy all the way around.

 

Windy  8:52 

All right. Well, it's fascinating. It's gonna help a lot of parents and we really appreciate you being with us Dr. Leman's latest book is called parenting your powerful child. It's available wherever books are sold. And God bless you. Thanks for being here. Thank you, Wendy. Yeah.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: Have A New Kid By Friday Part 1 Dr. Kevin Leman

 

Host  0:00 

Well, our guest needs no introduction to this audience, but we're gonna give him one anyway. He's an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, and speaker. He's the author of more than 30 books, including the groundbreaking the birth order book. And lastly, he's a man who is very different from his sister, Dr. Kevin Leman. Welcome back to full circle. Good to be with you. But you know, you're the baby and you say your sisters and you guys are very, very dark sister.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  0:26 

She was a perfect one in our family. Okay, she puts newspaper under the cuckoo clock to this day.

 

Host  0:36 

And she would never wear a shirt like that.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  0:39 

Oh, no, no, and she's color coordinated. You come to her home in the clear vinyl or on her green shoe. A very warm feeling. I've never seen her furniture and I'm her brother. Okay,

 

Host  0:52 

I actually called my sister Martha Stewart because I'm the baby too. And I don't know if she thinks that's a compliment. I think it's a compliment. Like, I'd love to have my host as organized as her and be perfect in every way. Not that she is.

 

Unknown Speaker  1:03 

Well, I'm married Mrs. Upington, who is sort of my sister incarnate in many ways. She's a bossy firstborn.

 

Host  1:11 

But we're not here to talk about the order book I bought. Oh, we can talk whatever you girls want to talk about. Last year, you know, I you know what? I got to show your socks though. Because I mean, the shirt is one thing but the socks? Can you know, we don't we don't want you to hurt.

 

Host  1:32 

There it is. It is. You know what? Yeah. Does your wife know that? You need things in your

 

Dr Kevin Leman  1:39 

Yes. She understands me.

 

Host  1:41 

And she's fine with that. She's good with that.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  1:44 

Well, she wouldn't be caught dead. Nevertheless, she loves me. Yeah, we got five kids. By the way.

 

Host  1:51 

I was just gonna ask you Are any of your kids like you?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  1:56 

My son is God. He has a wonderful sense of humor. And speaking of humor, God had a great sense of humor, because Sandy got pregnant at age 48. And, of course, with the fifth born at 48. The good news for every woman listening is there's no labor whatsoever. What a beautiful daughter. Yeah, we got five kids. So we've we're still rearing kids. And look at me. I'm near death.

 

Host  2:27 

So what you've written in your book you are living to this day. This is this is stuff that Yeah, we're proving day by day,

 

Dr Kevin Leman  2:33 

you know, they have a new kid by Friday is. But let me say this. Clearly, it's a scam. It's a scam. You could have a new kid by Wednesday. It only takes a couple days to turn a kid's behavior around. And parents don't get it. They just don't get it. That kids actually want to please us. They want to please us. And you need to treat kids in the way you expect them to behave. And guess what? They behave that way. But all of our parenting is based upon traditional. I'm better than you our relationships. Okay, the authoritarian. By the way, you sounded like a pastor earlier. For those who are into theological things, here's the question, Is God in authoritarian? Does God grab us by the scruff of the neck twist your earlobe and say, hey, you loosen up, you're going to do what I tell you to do. See, and that's how parents our parents are authoritarian. But now we have the permissives. And the permissive is, of course, or the opposite of the authoritarians. And they're the ones that say things like, Melinda play soccer, Dr. Leman, but it's non competitive soccer. We believe every child should be a winner, every child gets a trophy. What do they get these things from? I'm telling you. Would you turn that TV down? I'm trying to do your homework.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  4:08 

The permissions are in the making sure kids are happy, happy, and happy all the time. And I'm here to tell you. Our goal has parents. Maggie are you listening?

 

Host  4:20 

I'm listening.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  4:21 

A two and a half year old. I'm telling you. The goal is not to create a Happy, happy, happy child. In fact, one of the best lines and have a new kid by Friday is this. An unhappy child is a healthy child. There's times your little Ethan. Ethan Oh, even better. Little Ethan needs to be unhappy. Why? Because he didn't do it. Mommy asked to do he disobeyed. He misbehaved. So it's not about happiness. In the other thing I'd point out that mommies who have sons, represent all of womanhood to this little boy. And for centuries, men have wiped their feet on women. It's got to stop. If it stops, it stops in the home where the parent, the female has a position of authority. Okay? And again, this didn't come out of my head. This is a guy named. What was his name? St Paul, that's at St Paul. I never caught his last name. But I know it's Paul, always important because there's a lot of churches and schools named after the guy. But he was the one that said children, obey your parents. It's the right thing to do, because God has placed them in authority over you. So this isn't coming out of Kevin Leman said, I ripped off St Paul. In fact, I owe him a lot of royalties someday. But all I'm saying is you need as a mommy, a healthy stance with little Ethan, because kids are hedonistic, little suckers. They're unionized. They have a game plan. And because they're so adorable. Oh, Dr Leman if you could meet Ethan, you will see what I mean he is so adorable. You know, I never forget saying to my, to my wife, I said, would you look at that talking to about my one son, Kevin. I said, Look at him. And he was just misbehaving big time. And she looked at me and she said, Isn't he adorable? So mommies and sons a very special relationship as daddies and daughters.

 

Host  6:23 

So that's refreshing to hear. Because I see a lot of moms and parents who do let their children do whatever. And my husband and I are always feel like, Are we being a little too hard on Ethan, are we, you know, because we, we do try to rein him in, because we think he's two and a half, he still has a lot to learn. And so that's refreshing to hear that we're not, you know, we are kind of

 

Dr Kevin Leman  6:44 

is your husband on the same page as you are? Yes, yes, then Ethan's got it made, he's got it made in life, because he's gonna have those parameters from mom and dad are on the same page. When mom and dad are not on the same page. When I say we've seen the enemy, and they're a small, I'm not kidding. They can, they can drive a wedge between these two people that don't have their act together. And for all the people who are in blended families, his or hers, and then ours, if you're not shoulder to shoulder, I mean, I put it writing in my books, you will not succeed in your marriage, the kids will defeat you. And so

 

Host  7:18 

why don't we get started in that? Like, if you're, if you're in like, say, with Maggie or you're you're a new parent, or even like one that's dealing with teens? How do you start getting on the same page? Because that might be a big issue. Right? And well,

 

Host  7:31 

because you know, they're gonna take this book home and read it, and the men are not going to read it. Chances are,

 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:36 

yeah, well, you know, there's part of the challenge, I think, for us men. And this is difficult for men to to vocalize. But it's true. Women are closer to life than men are. The smart man will tap into his wife and say, honey, what do you think the smart man gets behind his wife's eyes and see how she sees life. Because she sees life, believe it or not more realistically, than he does? Okay? Which goes against what most people in the culture feel. Conversely, you know, you get behind each other's eyes. And if one parent is too strong or too aggressive, he has to back off where the other one who might be a little bit more docile or permissive has to, you have to move toward that midpoint. So there's an agreement, at least agreement, to the point where we're not going to disagree in front of the kids, we're going to be united front, because if you do that, they'll bury you. There no two ways about it. But the point is this, I want to make this point about parenting. We hear about how, how difficult it is, yes. I'm not here to tell you. It's easy. But it is simple. There's a simple plan to turn kids behavior around, and it can happen like that.

 

Host  8:51 

And you call this reality parenting and I have to say that it's hard for me, I don't know if it's because I'm the baby or because they have this justice idea. But you have this whole idea. You don't say things twice, and you let them have the consequences. You don't tell them what the consequences are. They just they if they don't do what you say that one time they bear it, like explain that because that to me is like that's not fair. That's harsh.

 

Host  9:15 

You know what I think it has to do with the parenting that you lived under to because I'm on the same page with Dr. Leman. If you don't do that, this is gonna happen.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  9:25 

Okay. Social Justice Chairwoman. Be fair, you know, it's not fair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: Have A New Kid By Friday Part 2 Dr. Kevin Leman

 

Dr Kevin Leman  0:00 

The social justice Chairwoman. To be fair, you know, it's not fair. Kids should go to bed at different times. Kids should have different allowances treat kids differently. Now, I hate to pull out the big G word on here. But does God treat us all the same? Or does he treat us differently? Did he give us all different gifts? This comes right out of the birth order book. Identical twins have the same DNA. They're genetically the same person. Okay? Why did God give identical twins different fingerprints, to help the FBI and the local police, or was this his way of saying you are my son, you are my daughter. So don't get hung up on the fairness thing, when I say kids are the enemy. On his because your mother and I love her so much more. I mean, you know, when two kids are fighting over a piece of cake, hey, look at what I'm saying. You cut and you choose the problem solve. In other words, remove your sales from your child's wind. Keep in mind the kids are hedonistic. They're like wet cement. And, and God has given us the ability to shape these kids. This scripture I hate to keep bringing up the Scripture, you probably have a lot of heathens watching this, right. But here it is train up. Now, first of all, train, that means, you know, you don't just instantly kids aren't just gonna fall in line. And there is this training so and then train up. Most of us train down, we talk down to kids, we make decisions for kids, you know, Train up a child. Again, mom is going into a store with a nine year old and seven year old. Here's the conversation. All right, listen up. No running around, no fooling around and don't ask for anything because the answer is no. I'm just gonna run out here got a few things for dinner. You got that? Now what did you just told the kids? What to do? You know what? misbehave? What are the kids? Do? they misbehave? So, as parents, we have tremendous impact on our kids. But the fairness thing, I'm telling you life isn't fair. And it's not going to be fair. And as a parent, you need to be in healthy authority. So you're not the authoritarian and you're not the permissive, the permissiveness breeds rebellion. But here's the interesting thing. The authoritarian breeds rebellion, and that's why the words of St. Paul are so great about being in healthy authority. So when little Ethan at age 12 gets a little mouthy. Okay. Is he going to be a hockey player someday and do Canada proud? I don't know. Who knows. But suppose he is mouthy to you on Saturday morning, and then he's got his hockey practice that he loves to go to on Saturday afternoon. And he says to your mom, mom, we're gonna be like, hurry up, we gotta go. Honey, Go where? And look at him with a dead panic expression. Mom, I got hockey practice coach gets mad if we're late. I mean, the car's not going anywhere. And either you, Mom, what are you talking about? Honey? You know, I tell you the truth. I didn't appreciate the conversation we had this morning, turn your back and walk away. Now. If you want to rake coals on 12 year old little Ethan, you just did. And he is going to get in touch with his feelings. You women are always talking about guy, I'm talking your feelings. This is a chance for old Ethan to get in touch with his feelings and figure out what he said to his mommy was wrong. It was disrespectful. And so that's why I say you remove yourself from the kids when you know, don't ask kids questions. Or Dr. Leman. I must respectfully disagree with you. I've heard you on Dr. Dobson, and several other programs, and I respect you but I really think it's important to ask your child how was your day at school today, honey? Okay, how is your day school? Tell you honey, fine. What do you do in school today? Nothing. teenager where you've been? Out. What did you do? Nothing.

 

Host  4:16 

They all do the same thing. How does that happen?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  4:18 

What but see if you just shut up if you don't ask questions. This is my point. Kids will tell you what's going on their life kids.

 

Host  4:27 

How do you get to that point for them to tell you you got to be there in the same room with them

 

Dr Kevin Leman  4:31 

in espanol Chi yet they do oka. It means Shut your mouth. You know, you can you can. It's interesting. And you can say to a kid. Tell me more about that. Now tell me more about that is a command. But you know what, that doesn't put the defenses up. And by the way, you can do that with your husbands ladies. Is a sidebar never asked your husband, why? Okay, that that just will shut down. We ask us why. But if you say, Oh, that's interesting, even though it sounds really stupid. That's interesting. Tell me more about that he'll tell you. Same thing works with kids.

 

Host  5:06 

Well, it fascinates me that it can be that simple. Like I, you know, like five days, you're saying you can have a, I told you it's a scam you weren't. You have to pay attention. I am today. Okay, two days. But it amazes me these are just simple things of, of a parent's behavior to change and to repeat and to commit to. And I just think that it's fascinating when you get into, you know, I mean, and I'm not a parent, but you hear all the issues of parents and all these big, you know, things are going through and you just say. Well, this is what you need to do. Well, and and it's pretty simple.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  5:41 

Here's a good one. Getting kids out the door for school in the morning is a major problem for most parents. And they have the same conversation every morning. They're the human alarm clock. I'm telling you for the last time the bus is gonna be here, I'm not gonna call you again, John. Robert, we always put the middle name and when we get mad, this whole thing. You are not worrying about the school today. We've had that conversation, you put that back right now? Well, once the kid gets on the school bus and goes to school, my question is, how do you feel about yourself as a mom or dad? Not very good. I don't want to yell at my kids. You want to do things different when the school year rolls around? And that's your problem. The very first day of school, don't wake him up. He said, What do you mean, don't wake him up. I don't wake them up. They're going to be late for school. Now you're catching on. Now when that kid wakes up at 9:30 in the morning, yes, he's going to be unhappy. Okay. But, and he's going to try to make it your fault. And you're going to say, Honey, whenever you're ready, I'll be glad to give you right down to school. And some people are thinking how old I am and how low Earth to Leman that's an inconvenience. Hello, Earth viewer having a kid isn't terrible. But anyway, the point is, you got to write a note. And here's the note dear principal, dear teacher, Fletcher has absolutely no reason to be late today to school. Feel free to do whatever you do kids who are legally tardy love mom. And that's what I call putting the old proverbial tennis ball on the right side of the net. And when you do that kind of stuff, as you see how simple it is, it gets you out of that game that we play every morning, called mom or dad's the bad guy. So I'm not going to be the human alarm clock. So even a young kid can learn to set an alarm. So it is simple.

 

Host  7:33 

So you can save yourself some heartache by saying the night before, set your alarm because I'm not waking you up. Like just lay the ground rules.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:42 

You can do that. For sure. That's fair. But here she goes. Fairness Doctrine Goddess is with us today. But this will be my preference. See, I think warnings are basically disrespectful. I think warnings basically say I think there's a stupid I got to tell you four times. And so what I like to do is sort of bushwhack them, surprise them. There's no warnings and have a new kid by Friday. They learned through experience, they learned the hard way. You talk to anybody who's learned lessons in life, and they'll tell you some of their best lessons in life. Was a failure. What will try to be like me and go on out and go on a program and say the home ought to be a place where kids learn to fail. What do you mean fail? We want kids to succeed. Well talk to anybody who's successful. And they'll tell you what, you know, and if you're if you're a child of God, I got news for you. You came to God. through what through victory? No, you came to God through failure. So it's a great, it. You know, it is simple.

 

Host  8:50 

Well your book is packed full of good stuff. I know Maggie's evidence of that, because she's got these papers sticking out all over. And Dr. Leman you're with us. She's You know what? The first thing a lot of you're here for the whole hour, because Maggie's got a lot of questions and I have a feeling you've got a lot of questions too. So stay tuned, because there's a lot more to come with Dr. Kevin Leman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: Have A New Kid By Friday Part 3 Dr. Kevin Leman

 

Host  0:00 

Well, you've seen him on Good Morning America, the view and focus on the family. And now we're happy to have him back with us on full circle. He is internationally recognized family expert, Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman Are you enjoying yourself on the couch?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  0:15 

I am in fact, I am internationally recognized when I went through customers, he looked at my passport.

 

Host  0:24 

And I know that Maggie is particularly thankful that you're with us on the couch. Yeah. I have to say Ethan is a great kid. She's highlighted a lot. And she's got lots of questions. Maggie, take it away. Well, I think one of the great things that you wrote in the book is that discipline depends on the age of the child. And so, you know, when when we're looking at Ethan growing up, and he's going through the stage, where, you know, he's very strong willed and he has his little breakdowns every once in a while. What do you do in that situation? As a two and a half year old? Obviously, it's gonna be different than what you do for a 14 year old

 

Dr Kevin Leman  1:05 

right? Now, he is the firstborn. Yes. And the only born, only, okay. First of all, what you have to understand is this. And every parent will agree with this statement. You practice on the firstborn. All your mistake, well, yeah, Ethan is the guinea pig. The only child though. But you know, if you have a strong willed child, okay, my friend Dobson called him strong willed children. I call them powerful little buzzers. Either way, you've got the same kid. But I always point out to parents, if you've got a powerful kid, that means you have a powerful parent somewhere, the kid doesn't learn power out of thin air. In other words, he gets that from either mom or dad, a little stubborn, and I am stubborn. So I will admit that, but you're going to have more effect on your son than your husband will. And a lot of people don't understand that. So when he is acting in a not so positive way, you look man say, Mommy is very unhappy. Turn your back and walk away. I'm telling you, even at two and a half. They don't like that. They'll come right to you. Mommy, why are you sad, they don't like that? Okay, if he has a meltdown, you step over the child, there's a great temptation to step on the child. If you walk away, most kids will say, Mommy, Daddy, wait for me, especially in a public place. If, if you're in your home, and he just sits there and has a meltdown, fine, he can have a meltdown. But it might be more appropriate at two and a half to pick him up. Put them in his room. Close the door. For the little ankle biters who are like 16 months, 15 months, they have this new invention mommies, it's called a playpen. And you can pick up a child put them in a playpen, it's a safe place. It's a little time out, you know, playpen, oh, yeah, they hate anything that's confining, because they're exploring the world around them. But the point is, don't overdo it. Okay. And with a firstborn, I'm telling you, just like we did, we practiced our firstborn. She's a principal today of a school. We call her Judge Judy, for sure. I mean, she's still that strong willed, but she uses that in a positive way. But you do practice on them. And so just remember, Ethan's just two and a half. And keep in mind the wet cement. You know, your, if you ever watched him, work with wet cement is very malleable right now, at two and a half, about 50% of his personality has already formed. So how you interact with him. If you're just powerful back with him when he's powerful, you're just teaching him to be more powerful. And that's why I say remove your sales from his wind when he starts blowing. Don't blow back.

 

Host  3:52 

He also point out though, in the book that we choose mountains and the mole hills we choose which which things to combat and which ones just to let go of

 

Dr Kevin Leman  4:02 

My son, Kevin is a comedy writer in Burbank. He makes Ellen funny. And when he was 15, he came to the dinner table and this goes back to what are the mountains or what are the mole hills? And he announces at the dinner table, I'm getting an earring. Well, you should have seen Mrs. Upington my wife. I mean, you would have thought he said I love Satan. Because she went crazy. And every time Kevin looked away she's given me the look like and so I say I get on and Sandy kept looking at me smiling and I said something like pass the green beans. I mean, I wasn't going to get into the earring thing at the dinner table. Well afterwards Sandy got on my face. And she said Kevin Leman went to say something Did you hear? He said he's gonna get an earring. I do not want my son to have an earring. So for three days, she bragged on me to put it bluntly about you have to, you have to tell your son, he's not going to do this, you're not going to do that. Well, after three days of badgering by my wife, I took things in my own hand. And I showed up at dinner table with an earring in my ear. Was really funny because I was I couldn't wait for Kevin to see it. And he's wolfing down his dinner. He doesn't even notice the dumb thing. It's killing me number one. And we all want our real one. And, and so a pierced ear it was Oh, yes. Oh, you heard it? Oh. Here he is. So so all of a sudden, he looks at me and he goes. You look absolute rediculous. I said. I said your mom likes. You know what? He's 30. We've never seen an earring. Yeah. So you know, I would pay more attention parents to your kid's heart, I wouldn't get all caught up in some of the trappings. Now all of a sudden, your kid decides he's going to wear everything black. And all of a sudden his grades go from an A student to an F student. Welcome to the world of green leafy substance. I mean, I'm telling you, there's things going on in his life that you need to get in there and find out about, but a lot of these things are just situational that come and go. Don't major in the minors, look at your kids art.

 

Host  6:36 

But one of the things I love about your book is more than half of it is as Dr. Lehman like specific instances that parents run into and I have to say about this book, you were here a year ago, I went back into my desk, put my book on my desk went out for coffee, and I have never seen the book. Since it's been a year, people have been boring it one after another. And since I'm not a parent, I don't feel like I could really complain. But now I've got a new copy. And I don't plan on putting it anywhere for anyone to find it.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:02 

Well, the good news is that as we speak the book, have a new husband by Friday is being released. That'll be lined up for that book hit the New York Times bestseller list. And as you know about book sales the to do that the book really has to do that book number 36 book of Kevin Leman is going to outsell all 35 previous books, even birth order. Oh yeah. Aggregate number and those books have sold over a million copies apiece. birth order making children mind sheet music, which is probably the best book I I ever did. It's a sex book for couples. Now your interest? Yeah. No, I'm single, I have no reason to be interested in that. You need to read that book. But single people could only be the first four chapters. Okay, the rest of you go to chapter five. Don't read it. Don't go read the whole book. So I was looking through you. You are such a such a brat, you know, two brat's that's why two babies don't get married. We need the firstborn to straighten this out.

 

Host  8:15 

I need to find a firstborn kid. You know, okay, mental note. Okay, so I was looking through here for different different topics. And I was interested in the bedtime routine because I was I don't know if you were as a baby, but I was the kid like I'm thirsty. I'm scared. I can't sleep. What are you doing? Like I hate me to this day. I hate going to bed when people are having fun. Anyone in the world is awake. I want to be up.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  8:36 

That's our middle name. My brother and sister used to they used to get me out there. And they'd say, you go out there. You know. So here's two kids, you know? And and they're nine and 11. They want to get out of bed but they don't want to get out of bed because they want to get in trouble. So the kids say you want something to eat? Yeah, you go out there and tell mam and dad you're hungry. No, I'm going to go out there. No, you go out there. Wait a minute. Herbie. Herbie, he's the three year old who sound asleep. Herbie wake up wake up and they send poor little Herbie out there and portable Herbie goes out there haven't slept on. Herbie what are you doing on a bed? I want to treat. Herbie okay one quick snack that is right in the bed young man before mom gets the words out two shadows appeared in the hallway. And that's why I say we've seen the enemy and they are small and they know what to do. So there's some humor in this stuff. But yeah, I can connect with a baby. I never want to miss a trick.

 

Host  9:40 

So what do you do? Parents watching right now they're saying you have described my household too?

 

Dr Kevin Leman  9:46 

Well, number one, you have to understand that kids are unionized and and when kids fight fighting is an act of cooperation. Think about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: Have A New Kid By Friday Part 4 Dr. Kevin Leman

 

Dr Kevin Leman  0:00 

Now, if you fight with your husband, you know exactly what to say, to escalate the battle further, mentioning his sister or his mom might escalate it right where you need to be. And so you have to keep that in mind that this, this fighting is an act of cooperation. So don't play Judge Judy, and try to figure out who did what discipline both kids, when they get into it, it's nice weather. Now for the most part, you can take kids, put them outside, close the door without any fanfare, let them put their own noses up against the screen door, sit back and have a cup of tea, they'll get the idea real quickly. And so it's to be an authority without being an authoritarian, that's the key. You want balance.

 

Host  0:41 

You know, I think as I was reading this, and you know, we read it last year, and then again, I just realized that it takes a lot of work to be a parent, but it also you have to be, you have to work at it. Like I mean anything and really be intentional in doing these, you know, these things that you've you've said in your book, and I think one of the things that I've seen just in with different friends and whatnot, is, sometimes I've seen people become parents and just think, Oh, I can just now be a parent not work at it, just not do anything or discipline. And you see these kids where they're looking for some kind of direction and leadership and, and do even discipline, and the kids are lost. And I just find that. It's it's like, you know, when you get a new computer, or a new Blackberry, you look at all the manuals, and you figure out how to make it work. And it's sometimes with what even marriage and kids, we seem to kind of relax on that we kind of go whatever happens happens. And we'll see where the wind takes us. Yeah, I

 

Host  1:35 

think with parenting to your heart is out there. I mean, you wear your heart on your sleeve with your kids. And so you think well, all I need is love. I can I can just love them into adulthood. Really what you're saying is love? Yes. But discipline is a form of love.

 

Dr Kevin Leman  1:52 

Let me share something, it'll be a surprise to a lot of viewers. Sandy, and I have five kids who love each other and love us. And that and they all have a relationship with God, which we're so pleased with five of five, you don't get better than that. But you know what, none of those kids ever had a curfew. None of them had a curfew. Dad what time they need to be home on a be home reasonable hour dad, would you just tell me what time they need to be home, honey, be home at a reasonable hour, they hated that. They hated that. But see, treat kids in the way you expect to behave. They'll behave that way. You don't, you don't have to micromanage kids, but you have to have positive expectations for him. And see, that's part of discipline, you don't micromanage and a lot of us micromanage especially if you're a firstborn personality or an only child, you know exactly how life ought to be for everybody around you.

 

Host  2:46 

Now, in your book, what something I really appreciate about is very detailed. towards the back, you have a top 10 list, the top 10 points that every parent needs to keep in mind. I mean, there's, there's so much information here, but if we can boil it down to the top 10 I think we're going to walk through some of those, just

 

Dr Kevin Leman  3:03 

try to run through those for you. Number one is be 100% consistent. Now, when I say be 100% consistent, I understand that none of us are going to be 100% consistent, but the point is, you try to be consistent think before you engage in banter with your kids about anything. Okay, you want to put them up on the screen, where we got, oh, how about, always follow through what you say you're going to do? And then respond don't react now. This one I think is really important. Learn to respond. You know, let me talk to the single mom who lives in an apartment. Okay, it's a Saturday morning and her eight year old son says, mommy, I want a pony. A pony? What did you get that from? She's got a deep voice by the way. I'm pulling it that's a stupidest thing I've ever heard what is wrong with you? You know if a bird had your brain fly sideways? What is wrong with you? A pony. Well, that's a reaction. Do you think a parent could learn to say a pony? Wow. Can you imagine having your own pony? Can you imagine ride your pony to school in the morning going by our kids at the at the school bus going? How you doing? You know tying your little pony up at school? I mean walk them through the whole thing and the eight year old kid looks at mom says yeah, but we live in the city and apartment can't have a pony, the kid knows it. Grant and fantasy which can't reality when the milk spills, you know, at the breakfast table. How many times does that happen? You're gonna end up just like uncle Roger. Roger de Maria already we're gonna just like him young man. You know at that point we don't read the thrashing of writing what we needed a rag. So anyway, what else we got here? We got more top 10 Okay. Oh count to 10 and ask yourself what what old self do in this situation what's the new me going to do? This is so simple. Talk about simple. We're creatures of habit. The thing you tell yourself as a parent, I'm never gonna say that to my kid what your mom or dad said to you, not only do you say it, but just say it with the same tone inflection. So you have to stop and really visibly make that emotional connection, you know, old self does this new self gonna do this? makes a difference. Okay, where are we here? Don't threaten your kids, okay? If you threaten your kids, it just says, you know, you're mature. You're the grown up here, you need to be unhealthy authority over your kids. Don't threaten them. Next, never get angry. And this is another one where, you know, Jesus Himself got angry, you're gonna get angry. But I'm saying try to minimize the anger. Because when you strike out on anger, nothing positive is going to come of it at all. Again, you're the adult. And don't give warnings. That's one always throws people for a loop because we all think we need to give kids warnings. And then ask yourself whose problem is it don't own what isn't yours? Okay, let the kids figure life out a little bit. And then don't think the misbehavior will go away. One of the things my dentist has on his office wall is something that says the most dangerous words are I'm sure it'll go away. Well, I got news for you. That's why we go to the dentist. That's why we removed plaque, you need to be on top of the situation is Anne pointed out. You don't just you know, throw things to the wind and expect your kids gonna end up okay, you got to be the good parent. And then keep a happy face on. Even when you want to do something to your kids that would get you about 20 years in prison. Because kids are kids are dumb as mud. You know, they do stupid dumb things. And that's why God, they are dumb as mud.

 

Host  6:47 

You know, parenting seems so overwhelming, Maggie. I mean, you're just starting this journey. My oldest is 23. I've been on this for a while. But still, it can be overwhelming because they go through different stages in different seasons. And as a parent, we have to continually grow. You got a 23 year old I have a 23 year old Mary when she was 12

 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:11 

the old guy here let me just say we got a hottie here. I'm telling you. Red looks good.

 

Host  7:27 

Thank you so much per person in my advanced years and I appreciate the compliment. But my point is and I do have one okay.

 

Host  7:42 

I am trying Thank you. I'm trying to get to a point here is that parents respect we are parenting for so many can be overwhelming because we just it's it's an ongoing journey that never ends and so many times we think, okay, if I could only have Dr. Leman at my breakfast table to walk me through what how do I handle this situation? Or at bedtime when my child wants to get up and doesn't want to go to bed or have in Walmart when my child is throwing a temper tantrum? What do I do? You know what we can all have Dr. Leman handy there. But we can have a different source of wisdom and daresay a better source of wisdom. And this is the wisdom that comes from God. You don't have to go through this parenting journey alone. You know, you don't have to walk the scary path, the unknown path ahead alone. God is there. And he's just saying if you only let me in, I'll give you more wisdom and more strength than you ever thought you'd ever have. But it's your decision. It's your choice to say yes, God. I'm going to open up to you. I'm going to start today on a new parenting journey. I'm going to change as Dr. Leman said my reactions, my responses, because I'm going to let you God give me your wisdom. I'm going to see my kids through your eyes. I'm going to start this journey today.