Transcripts for Days 91-100

Day 91 – 100 - Making Family Relationships Thrive 

There is ONE Video Transcript Video 

Transcript: Family Relationships in the Lord

We're talking about family relationships here in this class that features so much of the work of Dr. Kevin Leman. Today, I want to give you in a sense, a message that you could get at your local church about family relationships, or maybe an eyeball study. I'm including this PowerPoint presentation in the course, the PDF of this if you wanted to use it in a Bible study, or AV service, in this called family relationships in the Lord, taken from Ephesians, chapter six, verses one to four. The scripture read his Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right, Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Fathers do not exasperate your children instead, bring them up in the training of instruction of the Lord. You know, in as we think about family relationships, more and more in our culture, we are like ancient Rome, ancient Rome, in the sense of you look at the world, you see the breakdown of so many family relationships, you see all sorts of abuse, we live in a world that has the Appian way we have the internet, in fact, I'm talking to you on the modern Appian way, the internet. And if you look at our world, we also see persecution, persecution of Christians in the Middle East and in Northern Africa, and other places in the world. This world is ripe for a definition, an understanding of family that is so different than what's being offered over the globe. So if you think about it, in Ephesians, chapter four, and five and six, you see this intense awareness of family relationships, marriage relationships, relationships in families. And there's one phrase that are in these passages and that phrases, in the Lord. Let's call it an epic modifier. Epic means impact.

 

Global, important modifier is saying it's just not a relationship, but it's a certain type of relationship. Now we have epic modifiers. For instance, in relationships in general, when you see a young couple newlyweds, you see, they're in love. That modifier in Love is a modifier. Oh, look at that young couple in love. In culture, you you see these epic modifiers. Like, you'll see if there's a tragedy and everybody comes together. They're in community. In music, you see epic modifiers, if four people are singing together in all of them sing in tune, it characterizes that musical piece. In beauty, we say, oh, they always dress in style, meaning that what they're doing has a certain style that's accepted in that local culture. And in philosophy, they'll have the epic modifiers in time and in space. But when we think about family relationships, the apostle Paul gives an epic modifier a relationship in the Lord. And as we're listening to Dr. Kevin Lehman, we see how he sees the two poles. There's the authoritarian model of parent child relationship, that does not get up the heart of the epic modifier in the Lord. And there's also the permissive model of parent child relationships, is also full of half truth interpretations. It doesn't get at in the Lord.

 

Both of these ways. The authoritarian modifier, or the permissive modifier are two philosophies that Dr. Kevin Leman talks about, that are not the balance of Christianity. The authoritarian model basically, is very abusive, and it doesn't actually form relationships, where God is authoritative, but instead is just the parents will. It's the it's often not understanding that the child is an image bearer of God that you are a steward to bring them along. The permissive one basically is child centered, whatever the child wants, we know that there is a sinful nature. And that to do the permissive model ultimately creates little tyrants. And later on in life, this does not do a good service for the children in the Lord is not those two extremes.

 

Now we see these modifiers in the Bible. Here is an example of an old the Old Testament modifier in the Lord. And the first time in the Lord is used as a prayer in the Bible is in First Samuel to verse one. Then Hannah prayed and said, my heart rejoices in the Lord. In the Lord. My horn is lifted up. So this is a family relationship where we're Hannah is prayed for Samuel prayed for a son in the Lord blessed. And now she prays in the Lord. The most important piece about parenting is prayer in the Lord, that we pray for our families and pray for our children, that we have a relationship with the Lord as we raise children, because in the Lord is that epic modifier in raising children in the New Testament, in the Lord means pleasing the Lord first, who is present in every moment of every relationship. In First Thessalonians four verse one. Finally, brothers, we instruct you how to live in order to please God as in fact you are doing now we ask you and urge you in the Lord, to do this more and more so pleasing God, it's when we have families, family relationships. They're not just about Oh, my dream is to have a family. No, it's about pleasing the Lord, in having our family and conducting our families in such a way that pleases the Lord. So what are we to do then is avoid the, in the futility way? In Ephesians, four, 7 to 19. We read, I tell you this, insist on it in the Lord, you must no longer live as the Gentiles do in the futility.

 

Notice that modifier there of their thinking, they are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts, having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality, so as to indulge in every kind of impurity within continual lust for more. That is the current state of affairs for many families. It's futile thinking, broken down families, families that make decisions about what's right for me, me, me and not right for what God would want. It's the in the futility way, which is becoming more and more common in family relationships. Now, if we go back to that passage from Ephesians, six, we hear the words, obey, children obey your fathers and mothers in the Lord. Now, what does that mean? The Greek word here means to hear under, listen intently. The connotation of this passage and what it's talking about obedience is to care deeply about what your parents are saying. Don't let your inexperience trip you up. And that's the indication here is, look, this is a harsh place this world. And there's a lot of things you have to know. To stay alive and to do well. and obey mean is to listen. Get out of the way of yourself children, and listen to what your parents have to say.

 

What you're doing. Does it make it easy for your parents? Or does your being a child make it hard for them to do their calling as parents? And remember, in the Lord, remember, that in the end of the day, we are children in the Lord, if your parents are not walking with the Lord in their heart is not to glorify the Lord into please the Lord. Your obedience them is just not blind obedience up in this sense, if they say, We want you to do a crime, and we're parents, and we're telling you to do that and you're supposed to obey us. No, no, no, it's in the Lord. In other words, your parents authority is given to them as stewards for your life, if you're a child, so it's obey in the Lord, the Lord is there. Now, let's go back to what Dr. Kevin Leman said here. He said, a better model is to think of the authoritative model where the Lord is the ruler of all the universe in the ruler of your local family. This model is directed in a sense so Heaven touches earth for parents and children.

 

So in the Lord becomes a reproducible model. Now, there's a lot of talk recently about different definitions of marriage. And there's a lot of controversy about that. And sometimes we Christians can get caught in this controversy In this sense, like we come off as what we're against. What I'm saying here today is this is what we're for. We know that there's a man, a woman, they get married. That's God's design for having their children. And it's the design for children to have children. Let's be all about the divine pattern, the authoritative model where God sets up this world, he creates a man creates a woman, Adam and Eve. He then creates reproduction. He creates a pattern by which this world to this day, all of the billions of people that live on this planet, need a father and a mother. It is the most winsome, exciting, reproducible pattern of all time. The Lord has placed authority in a child's life. In other words, we're not all tyrants and tyranny, seeking people who are only about me, me, me, if we train our children, about healthy authority, where God is the God of the universe, and he loves us in Christ Jesus, our Lord, in grace and truth, combined in a beautiful way, love and truth combined the beautiful way, that is a very healthy pattern for children. parents in the Lord are representative of God's authority. You know, as a church planter over the last three decades, one of the things I've noticed is when parents are too authoritarian, or too permissive, they miss represent who God is. God is truth, God is grace, God is truth.

 

God is love all of those things. It really it is love, truth and grace come together in love, so that we are healthy and how we see the world we don't want to be rebellious, away from God. And yet God wants us to be fully engaged in living for him. It's a powerful, it's just a powerful way that God brings humanity to serve Him and also to be fruitful and multiply and subdue the earth. In a lot of ways, if you have little children in here, sort of the reproducible, authoritative model in the Bible, when children are young. In discipline, it's more about management, you want to manage the situation, you don't want little Johnny to put something in his mouth and choke and you have to watch the environment really clear. But as they get older, it becomes leadership. In this sense, you're showing them the way in, they're dealing with the truth of their own sinful nature with the authority of God and parents is more collaborative. And then as they leave the house and get their own children, it becomes more encouragement. You want to encourage them to continue to do well in the Lord. All of this guided by love and truth. It's a model directed by Heaven for parents and children. It's a sacred trust of the one in authority. In other words, just because you're a parent, doesn't mean you're the ruler of the home.

 

Back to that Roman culture. A father was the authoritarian, and in some places he could even put his own children to death like Herod did. Herod had no qualms of putting one of his sons to death because parents thought he was the authority. So in the authoritative model, we understand that God is our authority we live to do our parenting to please God. Now, in this passage, it has a promise, the promise of long life. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. What a powerful passage mentioned in Ephesians six. Now does this mean automatically that you're all going to live to be a advanced age? No, it doesn't. Because remember, what Paul said to live is Christ and to die is gain. There are times when you are supposed to be in heaven early, but it but we are created to want to live and to live a long life to see our children and grandchildren and all of that. And the bottom line is this is if we understand a good healthy parent child relationship. There is great promise that we're held out for that we can do well in life. Because if you think about this, if you're an obedient person, a good listener to your Parents, great listeners do better in life. We talked about that in the people smart for ministry class here at Christian leaders Institute. Great learners live longer, being more teachable set you up for thriving to assume you know, I don't know what the answer is, I don't assume to know what the answer is. I want to search for these answers. And I don't want my pride to get in the way of being teachable, or my own ego to get in the way or my stubbornness to get in the way.

 

I want to be teachable, and my parents have way more experience than me, it will go well for you because there's less stress in having a teachable animal attitude. You, you are more desirable to be around and more balanced. When you basically are a good listener. It's attractive. People are drawn to you, as someone who basically is open gets a well along with people in many of these dynamics are created in the family relationship. So it's understandable why Paul would go back to the 10 commandments and then apply it to now. Hey, it will go well with you. Let's talk about the Apostle Paul statement. Fathers do not exasperate your children will apply it to fathers or mothers. If you're a single mom, or single dad, it applies in the same way. What's exasperating parenting? Well, exasperating parenting is if you have a command man or command woman, and basically, children don't develop their own opinions, basically, they're commanded to do this and that and even into the teenage years. It's all a command authority, the military authority. What I've noticed over the years, is that those children have a hard time discerning and having good discernment, because basically, they're told what to do. And then later on in life, they become resentful. And in the 20s, they even go through like a adolescent phase and or they're very rebellious, in their discernment is weak because basically, they've been told told told all the time what to do and they've never grasped their own discernment.

 

That's very similar to the second exasperating thing where the answer man or woman were basically the parents just have the answer to every question. And again, it hurts the children's ability to discern so whether it's commander answer man or answer woman, those are very exasperating things. Another exasperating is if a father is heavy handed, or a mother heavy handed, we're ever we're relationship in discussion are not a central feature in the relationship. It's just plain. You know, it's my way. And then there's often punishment if you don't do it my way that sounds like the Roman world. Christianity is his authoritative look, we do this because we're seeking to honor God. We're not doing this because we want to destroy you as a person. Very heavy handed is very connected to abusive where there's physical abuse, this is very exasperating. I've seen so many children that were abused by their parents and later on in life, they're now trying to get along and are still angry and bitter. That's exasperating guilt or shaming parenting. We're basically what happens is, parents try to get children to do things by guilting them.

 

This is especially the case in so many Christian homes, where a parent will try to get a certain reaction in throw guilt and shame as a way to get parenting to occur. You know, maybe they don't use heavy handed or they're not the answer, man, but they're always sort of putting a guilt or shaming approach. We see this a lot later in life for people who have difficulty in their sexuality because they felt so much shame about who they were created to be. We see it in other things too, where when somebody feels as if they're never really meet up to God's standard because basically, they always feel guilty and now they feel guilty, inappropriate guilt, beyond what we see in Scripture. Guilt is to bring us to God in the grace of Christ Jesus changes everything then I love we respond. But sometimes exaggeration can come in something like guilt and shame. Also fear parenting, where parents have this you know, bad story.

 

You know, this happened to so and so and this happened to so and so and all they're talking about is parenting around negative stories and then the children almost become immune to fear and they go while the other way because because fear is just too much and they react and then someday after they hit some walls themselves, they do the fear parenting is very exasperating, ego driven, driven parenting, where we want to look as parents. So what happens is that we want our kids to act publicly in a certain way, so that we don't look bad. So everything's about appearances. This is very exasperated. And then the children respond to that in a way that they say, Well, my parents just we're not interested in loving me. They're interested in how they looked to the public. Really, it's about the in the Lord way. It's saying, Look, my relationship, my loving relationship with Lord transforms every relationship, in First Thessalonians chapter three, eight. For now we really live since you are standing firm in the Lord. In other words, that relationship has everything to do about our marriage, our family, I can't love my wife, or my children, unless I first love the Lord. My wife or my children's relationship is not my idol. It's not my everything. The Lord is my everything. And then that relationship helps me love my wife, my children. The Lord wait, makes life beautiful, in the family life, beautiful. Philippians four, four and five. Rejoice in the Lord always I will say it again rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all the Lord is near.

 

So what happens is I trust the Lord. There's more rejoicing, more gentleness, the Lord is near the Lord will help us. So when children see us as parents, they see their rejoicing that life is beautiful, because the Lord is our Lord. We don't have to worry about the future, because the future is in God's hands. So we treat each other as family with great love and respect. Let your conversations always be full of grace season with salt so you may know how to answer everyone, including your own family. So many times, as family members were so harsh on each other. And they were so friendly to those outside the family in the in the Lord way. We have love and respect to our family. Yet the afford tayto model of thinking is in our minds, we are with the Lord, the Lord is in our life, we try to please the Lord, we give the Lord our best. So as we apply these principles that we're learning in this class, or we proclaim to those that are in our life, we proclaim in in the Lord way, that it's epic. It's a modifier. It says, I do things different than everybody else. This is not the new Rome where everything is about, like authority, or everything is about extreme authority, or, in my own authority, my own wanting to be my own king of the world. Nor is that about basically, the permissive well, everybody just does what they do. And I'm just going to accept them for everything they do. Yes, we love them. But we don't accept everything.

 

Neither are we those trying to get our way in every way. In the end, we want to do it the Bible's way. The Lord's way. If people don't agree with us, just let them see our lives, let them see our joy. They'll have a holy jealousy, the look at us and what we have. And then we just point to in the Lord, because that's what the Lord does. It changes everything. It changes me, it changes my wife and family. It changes my marriage, it changes my culture. It comes because the Lord is so powerful, and so free in his giving salvation, and we're being sanctified and changed and made new. The Holy Spirit is in that in the Lord relationship. And that relationship changes our life and it is reproducible generation after generation until the Lord comes back. So this is an important topic. And to find that in the Lord place in all our human relationships, and in our family is something that will bring great joy and freedom and proclaim the gospel to our needy and desperate world.