Transcripts for Days 101-110

Day 101 – 110 - Healthy Parent Conversations (Part 1) 

There are 3 Video Transcripts

Video Transcript: How to Change Your Child's Attitude Part 1 by Dr. Kevin Leman 

Host  0:00  

Well, you've seen him on CBS is the Early Show Live with Regis and Kelly and CNN American morning. He served as a contributing family psychologist to Good morning, America. And now he's with us on our full circle Canadian couch. Dr. Kevin Leman. Thank you for joining us. 

Dr Kevin Leman  0:18  

Good morning. I think this ought to be a five day program. Just the ladies. shirt, but look at the socks. Right? Actually, I usually wear pink socks with this. 

Host  0:40  

Oh, you're slipping? Yeah. But that's okay. We like the stripes. 

Dr Kevin Leman  0:44  

It's good to be with you. Anyway. 

Host  0:45  

Yeah, we are so happy to have you. Okay, now, Dr. Lehman, your book title alone is enough to raise more than just a few eyebrows. So before we get into our discussion, we wanted to see how Canadians react to your claim that you can have a new kid by Friday. So we spent our summer or summer intern Jacqueline Habib to the streets of Toronto to find out what they thought, oh, 

Dr Kevin Leman  1:08  

put a mask on and get my other cam gear. 

Host  1:11  

Here we go. All right.

Host  1:20  

Probably I don't think it's possible. I think it takes a lot more than a week to change a child's behavior, because you have to change your own to so that's hard to change your own behavior in a week. 

Host  1:31  

I wasn't mean I think behaviors are ingrained in kids. And with a three year old like mine, I think, you know, we work at things and we obviously see lots of improvement over time, but a week? No,

Host  1:45  

I'd say No way. No, I don't think he could do it. Now they've got between them however many years of being themselves and us as being parents to you know, I mean, no, it'd be hard. 

Host  1:57  

Oh, right. I really believe that. Yeah. Right. So you're going to undo, you know, years and years of not only your child's own programming, but your your programming your parents programming in their parents programming in a couple of days. Brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?

Dr Kevin Leman  2:12  

Yeah, that last, that last guy love that last guy. He reminds me of there was a book review and have a new kid by Friday. That started out. And by the way, the book is number one on Amazon. There's 7 million books on Amazon. It's number one for a reason.

Dr Kevin Leman  2:34  

But you know, the truth of matter is this review starts off. Yeah, have a new kid by Friday. Yeah, and lose 40 pounds by Wednesday. The guy goes on to say, but Leman delivers in spades in this delightfully practical book. And the reality is that I told the publisher, I said, you know, it doesn't really take five days. I mean, you could do it in two days, we could call this book having to get by Wednesday. Because it really takes about 48 hours if you use the principles or in this book, to get little Fletcher's attention to make little Buford, do a 180. It doesn't have to take forever. And what we heard in those interviews are all No, well, this is the way kids are two year olds misbehave, the terrible twos and all that kind of stuff. I had a kid over at our house one day, he was probably four. And his mother, his mother was visiting my wife and this kid comes over, and he kicks me. And the mom looks at me and says, boys will be boys. You know, we give excuses, and labels. And I'm just telling you, if you want to change behavior and a kid, it's really possible. You just have to do things differently.

Host  3:47  

Now there was a letter to you that was written in your book. And she says to you, you know what, Dr. Leman? No wimps allowed in your strategy? Oh, yeah. And as I was reading, I mean, some of these things, and you'll be sharing about your strategy and principles. They're hard, like I'm sitting there going, what parent could do these do these kinds of things. And he's like,

Dr Kevin Leman  4:08  

your lips are Shining. Shining. I love these girls. Come on over here. 

Host  4:20  

have children yet, but I learned a lot in this and you're scaring her off.

Host  4:26  

So I'd like you to talk about your Lehman strategy because I think that's well, pretty amazing. 

Dr Kevin Leman  4:31  

It's, you know, the book is framed out on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then fun day. And Fun Day is where you kick back and put into practice the principles that you've chosen to use, and zero in on the area that you want to zero in on in terms of your kids behavior, character issues, whatever it might be. But we start off with Monday with something really simple and it's simply the principle of say at once, turn your back, walk away. Now, that's pretty simple stuff. On top of that. I add. Just for fun. Let's stop asking kids questions. Now every parent. Think about that for just a second. How difficult would it be not to ask your kids questions, or Dr. Leman? I disagree with you there. I think it's very important to ask your child questions like honey, how was your day at school today? Okay, fine. How was your day at school today, honey? Fine. Yeah. What did you do in school today? Nothing, nothing. teenager where you been out? What do you do? Nothing. You want to ask questions. Go ahead. We want to see a change in behavior. And you want your kids to start talking to you about what's going on their life. Stop asking questions, and kids will come up to you and say things like, Is there any okay? life's wonderful. Walk away and watch what happens. They usually follow you. So I start the book off with real life, a four year old who wants to stop for a treat on the way home from preschool. He's four years old. And four year olds know every McDonald's every Tim Hortons within sight. Okay, they love those little Timmy bits. And so he wants to stop poetry and mommy says very matter of factly honey, no, mommy has to go home. I have some stuff have to do at home. We have to go home now he throws a major temper tantrum. Okay, now, he tops it off with I hate you. Now for all you grandparents that are watching us. I mean, can you imagine a four year old four year old saying to their parent I hate you. They say it. They say it today? The question is what do you do? Do changes named Isaac and try to kill him on the Queenie. Not a good idea. What this mom does is she comes into her home when she gets home. She takes the little guy out of his car seat and goes in the house and gets busy. Now she hasn't yelled at him. She hasn't admonished him. She hasn't said one word to him. Now, kids are creatures of habit. every day after school. He's got chocolate chip cookies and milk waiting for we makes a couple runs through the kitchen. Not a cookie in sight. What does he do? He goes and seeks out his mom. Mommy, Mommy. Mommy want her chocolate chip cookies. Very matter of factly mom says we're not having chocolate chip cookies today, honey. She turns her back and walks away. Now here's a critical point for every parent to think about. What is a four year old do? Cry carry on throw fit? One possibility. What else try to read the cupboard. Try to go find himself a cookie comes comes after mom but mom follows the mom follows the mom. Because now you've thrown them a curve ball. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, I don't understand. We always have chocolate chip cookies after school. Now with a little attitude. Mom says. I told you we're not having chocolate chip cookies today, young man. She turns her back again walks away. Now. Now he's like a quarterback on a Sunday afternoon. He's freaking out mommy. I don't know. And now finally his hearts open. His ears are finally open. Now you level the little sucker.

Video Transcript: How to Change Your Child's Attitude Part 2 by Dr. Kevin Leman 

Dr Kevin Leman  0:01  

In this book, I say kids are unionized. And I mean it they know all your soft spots mommy's because he spent so much time with him. And now you let him know that you didn't appreciate being called names and being told you were hated.

Host  0:14  

You've let this go for 24 hours. When you get home when you get from when he said I hate you Oh, yeah. Oh, it's in the car.

Dr Kevin Leman  0:22  

Yeah. So this, this happens probably, this whole scenario probably only took five minutes after he came home for this to get to this teachable moment. But now you level him. And once you level him, you know, and again, you push for you. Are you gonna have kids yet? Yeah, you know what pushing means when you have a baby, the baby goes through what they call the birth canal. Now the birth canal is smaller. I don't know much about birth canal but other smaller than babies are. But anyway, nine and a half hours, they push, bring this little guy to life. In four years, he's telling me, he hates you know who's in authority over whom here. So once you level that kids, he breaks down. Now he goes, you know, he gives you his best shot. And now you can love on him. You can reassure him you love him. You can tell him you forgive them. I mean, they are your flesh and blood. But watch. What is that four year old say? After he gets his little act together? He stops crying. Now can I know so you're ready for children?

Host  1:28  

But what's the answer? And the answer is no. Shocking, right? That was that shocked me? You say Actually no. So he's he said, I'm sorry. And then you actually say then you still say I'm sorry. No, you don't get those cookies.

Dr Kevin Leman  1:40  

I call it vitamin n. Every kid needs vitamin n, which is no. And kids today don't get enough vitamin n. And so this is part of being unhealthy authority over a child. So on the Monday, we drift the Tuesday I talk about the ABCs you know, the attitude, the behavior, the character and all that. But I also get to the authoritarian parent versus the permissive parent. And I don't know about you guys, but I grew up in authoritarian home. Irish Catholic dad, eighth grade educated man. His real skill in life was yelling, screaming. And I remember as a kid growing up across the river in Buffalo, New York. And he'd say you want me to get the show lately? And I remember as a young kid going, No, I'll do it everyone. God is my judge.

Dr Kevin Leman  2:33  

I didn't. I never saw surely I was a sophomore in college before I found out what it was. It's a walking stick, by the way, you want to be hit with okay. But But today, today's parents, look at the contrast here. Oh, definitely more. So glad you're here. Because we want Happy, happy, happy children. You know, we want kids to be happy, oh, Brittany, play soccer, but they don't keep score. We believe every challenge should be a winner. ask anybody if you're a believer, if you if you believe that God created and He sent His Son Jesus, and your life changed because of that. Okay? Did you come to God through failure? Or did you come through God out of victory. So you come to God out of failure? You have to humble yourself. So the Christian home needs to be a place where kids learn to fail. And that's foreign to most of our errors. Because everybody wants their kids to be happy, happy, happy, one of the best lines written and have a new kid by Friday. Is this. An unhappy child? Is a healthy child. There's times your son or daughter chronically on Oh, no, no, just kidding. But just because they're unhappy, you no big deal. They need to be unhappy if they rag on you. Or they stole something or they picked on their little sister and appropriately or whatever.

Host  4:02  

And Dr. Lena, you talk about the permissive parent. I wonder how many parents would buy into this would would would fess up that they haven't really chosen laissez faire. Just let the kid do what they want. But they're so busy. As Melinda has alluded to, oh, yeah, this is work. Oh, you gotta get engaged and involved. It takes time. I got five of them. That's an important point. You're not just a psychologist, a lot of ideas. And you won't,

Dr Kevin Leman  4:31  

you won't find this on the social pages of the Tucson Arizona paper. We don't belong to the country club set. We belong to our church, our small group and our family. And that's it. You have to make those choices. But I also have five kids who are givers and not takers, but one of the reasons they're not takers is we haven't given them everything they ever wanted. Oh, there's my family on the screen. Yeah, there they are. four daughters and one son. Yeah, Kevin, Kevin Leman The Second. Yeah, we wrote some books together, actually. So, anyway, this isn't rocket science, you know, into the into the people on the street. I love those comments. Oh, yeah, right. I got news for you, you should see the comments on Amazon, people write in and say what they think about the book. It's just really fun to see,

Host  5:17  

I think your message in the book this is if you want to have a new kid by Friday, you've got to be a new parent. By Friday, you've got to retrain yourself before you can retrain, train your child,

Dr Kevin Leman  5:28  

let reality be the teacher. Okay, let him B doesn't start till A gets done. So 11 year old supposed to clean his room, let me show you how this works. It's not done, you don't remind them. You don't coax them. You don't want us to nag at all. Not at all. Fighting. No. Now you don't want to you don't want to go there, you get you into too many problems. But when when the row is not done at a certain time, without any warning, there's no warnings as entire system. You hire nine year old sister to clean 11 year old son's room and you pay for it out of his allowance. And when he finds out his crummy sister, those are his words. was even in his room, he's not gonna like it. But we learned he lost $5 in the process that would be let's see. Two toonies and one loony. Very good. He's not gonna like it, but you're gonna get us attention. So what's great about this book, if I may say, so I've written 34 books now is, and this book is gonna outsell any book I ever did. By far. It's amazing.

Host  6:30  

Sorry, I think it's because of me in this. There's so much about what you talk about kids have this entitlement issue. They feel that, you know, they deserve everything. So parents give into it. You know, their parents want to be their child's friend and best friend versus being a parent.

Host  6:44  

It's like the parenting mindset has changed over the years. All of a sudden, I am no longer allowed to be the authority over my child. I've got to be the CO partner in life with my child. And together we'll discover the pathways and instead of being the authority of God, really set up the structure of the family.

Dr Kevin Leman  7:04  

See, here's a question is God and authoritarian? There's a lot of people who would tell you Oh gods and authoritarian No, God is not an authoritarian doesn't grab us by the scruff of the neck of the earlobe and twist it. But he is a supreme what authority? If you read Ephesians six St Paul and I never caught his last name, by the way is anybody know? He says, children obey your parents is the right thing to do. Because God has placed them in authority over you. Now here's the kicker. If your rear kids today to feel like they're the center of the universe, okay. And you praise them for everything. Where's the room for Almighty God in a kid's life, if kids see themselves is the center of the universe. And I'll tell you, we don't do it any better on the other side of the river, as I like to say, in the US, or as bad as you Canadians are worse. We think that being the best friend your child and giving them things I could afford to get my kids quote, anything they ever wanted. I take great pride and I give them squat diddly jack. My daughter, Hannah, who's a junior in college today, she spent her Christmas vacation in Zambia in an orphanage with kids who were orphaned because their parents died of aids. I want a kid who's a giver. And I want a kid who's sensitive. You want a great kid by Friday. I tell you the truth that you can have it by Wednesday.

Host  8:27  

And you say they toddlers won't share unless parents model sharing

Dr Kevin Leman  8:31  

That's exactly you know, the kids are always looking, always looking up at us.

Host  8:37  

Well, this is good stuff. We are really enjoying this. Dr. Kevin Leman, when we get back you are going to we're going to ask you some a lot of questions that you really do focus on in the second half of this book, questions that have been burning in the hearts of parents throughout the ages. And you really do give some straight between the eyes answers. In fact, you might be surprised at some of the answers. He gives.

Video Transcript: How to Change Your Child's Attitude Part 3 by Dr. Kevin Leman 

Host  0:00  

Our guest is internationally known psychologist radio and television personality, Dr. Kevin Leman. He's a best selling award winning author of over 30 titles. His latest book is have a new kid by Friday, Dr. Leman, in the last half of your book, you're very candidly addressing over 100 of the hottest topics on parenting today.

Dr Kevin Leman  0:25  

Yeah, people always come at those, that part of the book is so real. I said, well, why wouldn't it be real? They come from real people like you and I who are asking me questions that I've just took a bunch of them, put them together and to make it a book that's easy to read, fun to read. And then here's your, your index of, alright, what do you need some help with? Here's some ideas.

Host  0:46  

I know, we have a lot of questions for you. But I just wanted to make a comment before we move on to that. what you were saying before this whole parenting style of just bring the consequences with no warning, he calls it. Like, I have a justice thing. You know what I mean? Like if I were a kid, and that happened to me, I'd be like, That's not fair. You never told me that that was gonna happen. 

Dr Kevin Leman  1:04  

That's part of the whole enlightenment. Let me tell you a story about a motorcycle cop. 

Host  1:08  

Like, if you're gonna punish me, don't you just say if you don't do this, I will do that. But there's none of that.

Dr Kevin Leman  1:13  

Let's see. I'm so glad you brought that up. Because this never works. If you say to your kids, and this is what most parents do. Now, listen to me. If I if you don't get out there and clean that up right now, you're not going to the hockey game. That has never worked. It's not gonna work. Okay. And that's not that's not reality, discipline, reality discipline, what I talked about pull the rug out and let the little buzzer tumble is you let them get ready. You let him get all his gear together. He's got to stick in his bag, and he's about out the door. He says, come on, man. We got to go coach kids, man, when we're late, honey, cars not going anywhere. And neither are you. I asked you to do that. And I see it's not done. Now at that point. don't negotiate like a Philadelphia attorney. They'll tell you, oh, I'll pull weeds for life. Just, you know. Don't give in. So what you're suggesting here is that, you know, this is part of the entitlement that I'm entitled to a warning. My daughter got pulled over by a cop in Tucson, Arizona. And he's got a little Christian fish. You know, Christians love that fish. I mean, we put that sucker every you know what got me I'm a Christian. I could only drive like Christians, that would be helpful. But anyway, she gets pulled over and she sees a little Christian fish on the guy's lapel. And she says, oh, oh, you're a Christian. I'm a Christian, too. And he said to her, then young lady, then you'll realize how important it is that I give you this ticket. Listen, who wouldn't want a warning? I'd like a warning. But I'm telling you in life, there's not warnings.

Host  2:57  

So are you saying it's something that you have to just lay out as a family that there are certain things when you're asked to do things, you must do them? If you do not do them? there will be consequences? And the consequences will be identified as we go along? Is that what you're basically saying? 

Dr Kevin Leman  3:10  

Let me steal this book. You don't even have your somebody. Here's somebody reading my book. they close the book. Now the temptation to say something like, Alright, everybody. Tomorrow I would suggest not doing that. When you close this book. Just say you know what?

Dr Kevin Leman  3:36  

I can't wait for my kids to misbehave. I'm ready for them. And so there's no warnings. There's, it's it's by your actions. 

Host  3:45  

It keeps it from being a screaming Mimi. Oh, yeah. Doesn't it as a parent? Oh, yes. You know, it's interesting, because it's like shocking what you're saying because it almost in some ways sounds so mean. But it's like, we've gone the other way the wrong way. And just like kids kind of rule lesson takeover that when we hear these kinds of things. It's like, oh, shocking, which it really shouldn't be

Dr Kevin Leman  4:04  

if you ever have children remember this. Now the school year is still going on right. Now, how many parents start their day, yelling and screaming at their kids? reminding him telling him that bustle is going to be our view don't get out here. John David can notice you put the middle name in there. When you're really angry at him for every mommy or dad listening watching us. Hey, what do you feel like once your kid gets on the bus? Do you really want to start your day yelling and screaming at your kids? Dragon lady? Yeah. Would you like to try what Leman says? Then tomorrow morning or tomorrow? Saturday. So Monday morning, okay. Monday morning tomorrow. Don't wake that son or daughter up? What do you mean? Don't wake him up. I don't wake him up. He's gonna be late for school. Now you're catching on. And when he gets up at 10 o'clock, he's gonna be one angry little dude at 15 years of age. Okay. He's gonna make it your fault, you're gonna say very matter of factly. From now on, I'm no longer your human alarm clock. You can set an alarm clock and you can get yourself up to school now, you have to drive them. Oh, that's another thing I don't like about you Leman. This is an inconvenience. This thing called parenthood is an inconvenience. I like it that in my book and put a star next to you know, so you have to drive him to school. But here's, here's the beauty of it. Here's a note you have to write. Dear principal, Fletcher has absolutely no reason to be late today to school he chose to sleep in, feel free to do whatever you do to kids who are legally tardy love mom. Now, once you do that with a kid, the kids are gonna think you lost it number one, but boy, does it work. You only have to do it once.

Host  5:47  

So you let him face the music is what you're saying. You get a more responsible child.

Dr Kevin Leman  5:52  

That's why I'm telling you this is simple. I'm not the brightest bulb on the tree.

Host  5:57  

Okay, listen with that shirt. You're pretty bright. But anyway, no, we actually went back to the streets of Toronto and our summer intern Jacqueline Habib gathered a few questions from from some conservative beat me more. We're gonna throw some questions at you from Toronto. Here we go.

Host  6:22  

Oh, how to get teenagers to do their homework. For me, the main thing, I think the main problem when my kids were growing up, and it seems to be the main problem with my grand-kids to

Host  6:32  

how to get them to do their homework.

Dr Kevin Leman  6:34  

You know this is so amusing to me. Because here's the typical home. Hey, would you kids turn out TV down there, I'm trying to do your homework. The parents do the homework, they do the science project, they help way too much. This goes back to the principle that B doesn't start till A gets completed. Nothing happens. So if a kid isn't doing well in school, he's missing assignments. He's 16 years old. He's driving a car. Now you're the one that gave him the keys of the car. You have to hit the kid where it hurts with a car. Not at what do you call it? 80 miles per hour, I'd call it kilometres at you know, just hit them in the car keys don't let him drive, just take it from. And so again, you're talking you're talking to a guy that graduated fourth and bottoms class in high school. I was not the guy was supposed to do it. My sister was perfect still is which newspaper under the cuckoo clock which I'll never understand. My brother. I'll look up my look up my way. 

Host  7:40  

I'm always slow to get your

Dr Kevin Leman  7:53  

my firstborn sister newspaper under the cuckoo clock. Joining us today is Mrs Brown. 

Host  8:03  

Just a little but anyway, the point I'm getting and 

Dr Kevin Leman  8:09  

my mother got butcher, you know, she prayed for me every day of my life. I want to know part of God. I thought you Christians were the geekiest people known to mankind. But you know, you talk about there's probably a lot of parents who are really worried about the kids, Hey, you got to pray for him. And you got a model, you know, and they're not you know, every kids just don't fall in line. And some kids go through some things before they get their lives turned around.

Host  8:34  

So you're saying with the homework, let them face the music with the homework. Don't help them with it. Let them face the consequences of not having it

Dr Kevin Leman  8:41  

Yeah, and I'm not against a parent helping with a homework and I want to show interest