Transcripts for Days 111-120

Day 111 – 120 - Healthy Parent Conversations (Part 2) 

There are 2 Video Transcripts

Video Transcript: How to Change Your Child's Attitude Part 4 by Dr. Kevin Leman 

Dr Kevin Leman  0:00  

Positive expectations for kids is really important. All of our kids now you're not going to believe this. I don't think you're going to believe it. But it's it's the God's honest truth. I've never said to my kids, do you have homework? I've never asked the question. They all know. And the expectation is that all of you will do well in school. That's a family expectation. You know, they all have done well in school, two have won the science fair at school, saying I couldn't figure out what the science project was about. We all show Shazam, you know,

Host  0:33  

so what's the motivation? Well, there's dead air here. Because the concept of not prompting is uncomfortable is every day,

Dr Kevin Leman  0:45  

the kid brings home four A's and a B. You know what most parents say? Hey, what would the B they'd find a flaw. That's what I got. I would say that's what most people get. I would say, hey, four A and a B I bet you're proud of yourself. Now, listen to what I'm saying. I'll bet you're proud of yourself. Look at all that hard work that when it's paid off for you, I bet that makes you feel good inside. See, this is so anti Canadian. So anti American, what I'm saying right now, this is blasphemy in parenthood, because we all know that praise is good for children. Praise is not good for children. It's something I address and have a new kid by Friday. Praise God. God's worthy of your praise. Okay. you encourage children, not praise children. There's a big difference. What's the difference? What's the difference? Well, let's say that you come home and you had a dental appointment on a Saturday morning at a run to and you left the house. A mess to put it bluntly, you're driving home is that oh my goodness, I forgot I got to clean up the kitchen or the family room and you come in your home and you walk into a clean sparking kitchen. You flip it up, go outside check the number on the house, you're at the right. And you know your little 12 year old Buford pudding with a dish towels. And you say to your son Buford just got a nice name. You for Did you clean this up? Sure did, Mom. All you are the best boy in the whole world. Mommy loves you so much. Here's $5. Now that's praise plus reward. That's what most of us would do. Same situation. Mom comes in and says Buford, did you clean this up? Sure. Did, mom. I think that is so thoughtful. Thank you. I appreciate that so much. That's encouragement. The takeaway is I'm giving back to the family. I want everybody to ask themselves the question. Are you wearing your kid in a home or hotel. Most of us were our kids in hotels, meaning we give them food service, linen service, you know, activities, service tips, we give them things. We give them things but they don't get the opportunity to get back.

Host  2:50  

home in the book, I thought that was really interesting, because you said, you know, every home should be about mutual love, respect and accountability, and not what you said about entitlement. And those are different words accountability, respect, and love all mutual though, for the family to be you know, together and all of this. And you never hear that it's always about happiness, praise, feeling good or this lazy. Or I don't think our kids even sometimes from the school system is one of the worst motivated to, to Excel to do their best to give

Dr Kevin Leman  3:22  

in the States. One school system I just read about by school board policy, you cannot give a kid a grade of less than 61%. And any quiz, exam or final exam. I'm proud of the 22 I got an algebra. I got 22 of were right

Host  3:42  

22 out of 100. That's pretty good. Again. We have to let our children fail is what you're saying so you can learn how to succeed. 

Dr Kevin Leman  3:52  

The prodigal son you know that story. Most people buy a story that the kids is at this place is dullsville I want my do. The Father gives him his part of the estate and he goes blows all his money's out there. He says my farm my dad's farm manager better off and I am he comes home. I love that scripture because when he sees him from afar, and he sees a son coming home, what does he say to his son? Well, awkward cat drug home. had enough of the party live had your big boy. learn your lesson, didn't ya? Did he rub his nose in it? No. The Bible says he ran to him, he ran to him. That's how much we love our kids. I take a blood from my kids. I take a bullet for my wife, Mrs. Upington. She's a firstborn. Little bossy.

Host  4:38  

Listen, there's a lot of good advice in your book. And again, Jacqueline Habib went out to the streets to ask some more questions from torontonians I got a question for Toronto. What about the Leafs? We're not gonna go there Dr. Leman, but first we do need to go back out to the streets. And I have another question.

Host  4:59  

Let's Well, I, I have two boys. It's very hard to they get along very well, but they keep fighting all the time. So I would ask something what should I do in order to keep them more without so much fight between them? 

Dr Kevin Leman  5:18  

That's a great question. That there's a guide on how to read have a new kid by Friday, because fighting is an act of cooperation. When you fight with your husband, you know exactly what to say to escalate the battle. Kids fight at the breakfast table. He touched me he touched me. He looked at me mommy looked at me. And kids needlessly trying to engage us in battle. So on to little ankle biters are doing their thing at the breakfast tables. Nice time of year now, without any fanfare, walk over and grab them both by the arm. Take them the outside, close the door and lock it. Make yourself a cup of tea. 

Host  5:57  

The back door raise your traffic. 

Dr Kevin Leman  5:59  

Yeah, I always qualify that good. I think someone's in a high rise. You have a Bayfront you know he tough to do this. 

Host  6:09  

They're locked out there banging on the door. Mommy, mommy. 

Dr Kevin Leman  6:14  

The bang in the door is interesting. Because one of the things about keeping kids in bed at night. Kids will get up and you know can't get good the bed at night. My God. This is so simple. I call it parental poker. Myra brown calls it parental fish. But anyway, sometimes you have to hold the door. Hold the door, and that kid will scream. he'll cry. He'll kick the door and people say, Oh my goodness, I can't believe this advice. Lady. All you gotta do is do it once. Watch what happens. What happens? The kid will the kid will melt down. You'll kick the door and everything. Not a word comes out of your mouth. When they get quiet. Open the door gently they'll be quiet and just a few minutes. Open the door gently. Why gently because they're usually curled up behind it with their blankie. And I can see that look on Myra face saying oh, poor little child crying with their blankie 

Host  7:06  

I'm thinking about the foot marks on the door. I wonder what we're gonna do with little Buford and his blankie go on. But what

Dr Kevin Leman  7:14  

you do you just open that door and then again, don't negotiate Mommy. Mommy, don't leave the door open. The light will be on to Honey, you just need to stay in bed. I'll leave a door open but you need to stay in bed. You cut a deal. Okay. 

Host  7:30  

Okay, so the two boys now who are locked outside, you're having your tea. Let's finish that. 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:35  

Just just a couple minutes with young kids see it? But it works. 

Host  7:41  

You open the door and you let them back in? 

Dr Kevin Leman  7:43  

Well, the rule is we're not we don't fight in the house. You too want to fight you can fight outside? Why should kids throw a temper tantrum and a ball

Host  7:50  

no temper. What do you do with that? Well, this is what you step over you walk away. And you say that they'll

Dr Kevin Leman  7:58  

the kids not gonna make a fool of himself in front of strangers. He threw it for your benefit.

Host  8:02  

So you step over them in the tire wherever and keep walking. What do people think of me? They think I'm the worst parent ever leaving my child.

Dr Kevin Leman  8:12  

And all you got to do is look them right in the eye and save some people's children. And then you just step over them and walk. Yeah, because the kids will catch up to you. 

Host  8:21  

You always have to keep within I just do. 

Dr Kevin Leman  8:24  

What about kids here? Here's a great question. What about kids who get lost in a grocery store something? Let them get lost. But don't. But don't lose sight of you lose. Right? Yeah. And when the assistant manager realizes a kid walking around here without a parent, they go to pick him up. He'll scream like a stuck pig. And who does he want to see who's coming right around the corner? his mama. 

Host  8:48  

You're just it's all about letting the kid face the music ever so slightly, but always having that reassurance that you're there that you are their safety net. You are their security 

Dr Kevin Leman  8:58  

And you know what? I've got five kids and there's not a day in my life. I'm our kids are from 35 to 15 we quit having kids on three occasions is everything. But you know there's not a day. Maybe maybe two days might go by I won't speak with one of them. But I'll hit four or five kids on the phone every day. Every day. We have a close family. It's always important to tell your kids you know what I love you and love if you love your child and this is the biblical admonition that I'm not making this up. If you love your child you will discipline

Video Transcript: How to Change Your Child's Attitude Part 5 by Dr. Kevin Leman 

Host  0:00  

I think it has a lot to do with. And I know you talk about this in your book, with the kind of parenting you experienced as a child. And a lot of times we translate that into our own parenting experience,

Dr Kevin Leman  0:12  

you will tell yourself, I will never say that to my child, not only will you say it, but you'll say with the same tone and inflection that you do your mom or dad.

Host  0:23  

And my husband would look at me and say, Moira, that was an inappropriate response.

Host  0:29  

You know, I also want to say like just to contextualize your strategy, I think, which helps people understand why you say, what you say is that you say raising kids is a power struggle, they're always struggling to be the one in power and control in charge, and you have to win that battle.

Dr Kevin Leman  0:41  

They're unionized, they're hedonistic. They don't come out of the womb with any social interest about anybody. I mean, take a clue from the first thing a child says when they're born. I mean, that's how they are. And so our job is, is the mold. And I just did a bunch of programs with Dr. Dobson mountain in Colorado Springs. And, you know, Jim and I are on the same wavelength and we say, you know what, it's not the permissive parent, okay. It's not the authoritarian. Okay. Both of these will, if you bring up your kid and authoritarian means, hey, you go and do what I tell you to do. As long as you live on this house, you understand me and get down look off your face right now. Right? You want some require, I'll give you some require. A lot of people grew up with that. But today, but today, it's permissiveness reigns, but the point is either extreme produces rebellion. You want to be an authoritative parent. And that's where I bring the parent to and have a new kid by Friday. And again, this is not my invention. What I did in this book was rip off St Paul. In Ephesians, six, one through four, you read it for yourself, and you have to stand unhealthy authority over your kids.

Host  1:52  

Well, we have one more question from the streets of Toronto that we want you to respond to Dr. Leman. So let's go back to the streets of Toronto.

Host  2:01  

How do you deal with kids and peer pressure? And how to deal with particularly grade school bullying that goes on into the playground at school?

Dr Kevin Leman  2:14  

Great question. That's a great, okay, peer pressure. Number one, have home games. Make sure the kids that your kids run with are in your home. You buy the pizza, see if you can find a decent movie to watch. That's a great way number one,

Host  2:28  

it's why we succumbed to Xbox. Yeah. So it happened in our house.

Dr Kevin Leman  2:31  

Yeah, somewhere else. Yeah, have them around. And then the other part of that question, I just it just bullying. years ago, we would tell kids now if you're bullied, you get in that bullies face you stand up for yourself? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not any longer. Because a bully today's got a knife, the bully today's got a gun. All you gotta do is pick up your city papers, and you'll find out what's going on in your city is not good news. Okay? So when bullies going on, if it's a school situation, you go right straight you parent, you, you go right to the principal, through the teacher, teacher first than the principal, let them be aware of that situation, let them deal with it in the school situation. And if your son or daughter was bullied, why it's a terrible feeling for a kid, you come alongside that kid and say, you know, honey, that couldn't have felt good. I know, it didn't feel good inside. But I want to tell you as a parent, I'm really proud of the way you handled that. Now, for those parents who are driven for I want my child to have good positive self esteem. That's where they get it from when you slip my commercial announcement and say, you know, I'm proud of how you're doing life.

Host  3:38  

You know, Dr. Lehman? I think one of the things, you know, as I was reading through the book is that it really comes down to parents and them changing the way that they act and respond, right. And so if somebody's sitting here going, I want to do this. But how do I make that first step? Is it like a change in your mind to say, Okay, I will, you know, stop being permissive. I won't yell like, what's the first step? Because it sounds overwhelming. Yeah. And I'm not even a parent, but it is it says a lot. The responsibility is you

Dr Kevin Leman  4:05  

old self, new self. Here's a situation that your son or daughter, what do you normally do? That's the old self, what's the new self gonna do different? It gives you a chance to stop, think and then behave differently than the other key part is, in this book, I talked about the mole hills versus the big issues. My son Kevin, comes to the dinner table at 15. And he says, I'm going to get an earring. We usually see my wife Mrs. Upington. The Baptist, you would have thought I mean, she's going like this me she goes, as soon as Kevin like the way she would say something. And so I said something like past the green beans. I mean, I didn't get excited. And so three days she's in my face Kevin Leman, when you talk to Tom, he's not gonna have an earring. She's got a few too many rules. But anyway, on the third day, wait to hear that before. I'm not, never mind. On the third day, I came to dinner that night with an earring on. Not true. Yeah, yeah. And my son, my son's name, and he didn't even notice that that was a funny, he's walking down to dinner. And all of a sudden, all of a sudden, he looks at me, his eyes narrow. He says, You look absolutely ridiculous. I said, Really? I said, Your mom likes it. He's 30 today, that was 15 years ago, I haven't seen an earring, no area. So you know, that's, that's a mole hill, be more concerned about your kid's heart. Then the little frilly things that kids will identify to themselves

Host  5:43  

this wisdom is the psychological training the doctorate and how much is heaven sent?

Dr Kevin Leman  5:50  

Well, I had I had great training, but you know what? Father's Day is coming. And as I as I told somebody an interview the other day, I said, when I die, my kids are going to be overwhelmed. Because what I owe what I care about, I love all those little notes. All those little notes they give me daddy your this, daddy your that. That I'm a good daddy. I told my wife at my funeral I want, I want two things to happen. One, a lot of crying. And wailing would be preferable. And number two, just say you know, he was a good husband and a good father. If you do those things on this earth, I'll tell you, that's not bad. So it's all about relationships,

Host  6:33  

you stand up, you talk a good fight in this book, but really your heart is showing that, that it's all about establishing that really good heart to heart connection with your child. But letting them know that you are still the authority of the home and that's not going to change. 

Dr Kevin Leman  6:51  

not an authoritarian but an authority. That's the right word. A loving, a loving authority,

Host  6:56  

a loving authority. Well, Dr. Kevin Leman, thank you for being with us. This has been this hour has flown. If you want to take him home with you just pick up a copy of this book

Host  7:12  

Ever books are sold, I am sure. And you're gonna be with us again. I have a feeling we're gonna have you back very soon. I think in the next couple of months. We just love having you around. Dr. Leman, thank you for being with us. Again. Again. The book have a new kid by Friday how to change your child's attitude, behavior and character. In five days it can be done. As always, though, keep your eyes on Jesus because it's all about him. God bless