Transcript: Lesson 15 - Myths about Sex

Friends, welcome. We are thinking about sexual union and marriage, and how those things  point us to the Gospel story of Jesus to God's grace and faithfulness, his his covenant keeping  and, and his unconditional love for us. And so it's important that we recognize the biblical and theological rationale for, for this connection between sexual union and marriage and really  see the riches and the depth of that. Because oftentimes, the rhetoric and what people are  oftentimes taught in churches just don't have sex till marriage, don't have sex till marriage,  without ever really understanding why, how do we understand this in a positive way, not just  kind of reacting against maybe what's going on in the broader culture. And so it's really  important, I think, that we are able to articulate that biblical and theological rationale for the  connection between marriage and sexual union. So we've been talking about the biblical and  theological rationale for, for understanding the connection between sexual union and  marriage. But it's also important that we have a good practical theology as well. And part of  the what we've been doing as we've walked through the biblical narrative is, is recognizing  these dimensions of creation of fall and of redemption and, and part of what that helps us see is that God created our bodies good. God created sex good. But we're also affected by sin in  the fall. And so we are all sexual sinners, there's a dimension of sexual brokenness and sin  that we all carry with us. And that as we recognizing God's intentions for marriage, and  understand the redemptive work of Jesus, and walk in newness of life, empowered by the Holy Spirit, it will oftentimes be complicated, it will, it will not be easy. And so we have to be careful that as we're thinking about this pastoraly, as we're thinking about, both in our own lives, and for those folks that we're ministering to, that we're connecting to, to realize that it's it can be  complicated. And so I want to just briefly highlight a few myths about sex that I think we  would do well to avoid. Because these, these kind of myths are, can be perpetuated out there, maybe, especially in the Christian subculture. And so we have to be careful that we don't  perpetuate these, these myths in a way that ends up actually being unhelpful to people's  actual marriages and sex lives. And so, the first myth that I want to mention here is that if you save sex for marriage, it will be amazing and awesome. I grew up, especially in the 90s,  hearing, the language of a lot of purity culture, which said, you know, save yourself for  marriage, use that language of purity, you know, stay pure for your spouse. And if you do, it's  just going to always be amazing and awesome. Now, interestingly, this is almost a kind of  health and wealth, prosperity gospel, aimed at our sexuality. Now, the truth is, the sex in  marriage will be maybe for some people, very good. might come easily and be amazing and  awesome. But for others, it might be difficult, whether whether because of physical or mental, or emotional, or spiritual struggles, it might be difficult. So we have to, we have to be clear  here, talking about God's intentions for marriage and understanding the meaning of sexual  union and how that fits within marriage. This is not a promise that everything is going to go  smoothly, or that it will be easier that your marriage will never have any struggles in these  areas. So we have to be careful that we don't perpetuate this, this myth that if you just follow  the rules, everything is going to everything is going to be great. That's that's a myth. A  second myth that we have to avoid i think is the best thing about marriage is sex. And this I'm thinking especially you know, with with, with these messages, kind of the messages that we  aim maybe it at youth or young people that for some at least, especially if you say save sex  for marriage, they come to think about marriage as primarily being well why would you get  married, you would get married for sex. And that I think is ultimately a danger, something  that diminishes marriage, something that that doesn't help people recognize that the holistic  nature of marriage, the way that it does encompass both our body and soul that involves all  of who we are. And again, it also sets up people to be severely disappointed if things aren't  100% perfect in their relationship. if things aren't 100% perfect in their sexual relationship. So we have to be careful here that we don't we don't sort of oversell what we're talking about  when we think about the goodness of sex and how that's connected to, to marriage. A third  myth is that good sex just happens naturally, it doesn't take any work or talk or intentionality.  This is, again, everybody brings their past, they bring their experiences to this. And so when  we think about good sex, within marriage, it takes communication, it takes talking with your  partner it, it takes understanding who they are, it includes understanding, again, how  comfortable they are with certain things, what their, what's going to shape, how they function

in that way, is more than just, you know, get into bed and things are going to work  themselves out. And so I have to really be open and vulnerable to communicate with my  spouse to recognize that, that it might take work. And it might take intentionality that, that  this is not something that's just automatic. It's just, it's not just natural, in the sense that I am  immediately in tune with my spouse and understand their needs and desires. And so if I could go into marriage, being willing to talk, being willing to to be intentional about caring for my  spouse, sexually. And so I think this is something that oftentimes, maybe we don't do enough  of in premarital counseling, and things of that nature, helping people to understand the level  of openness that they'll need and to recognize that it will take work, that it's something that  you're going to grow in, in, in your marriage in your understanding of your spouse. And so it's  something where you would expect that there would be growth and progress, not something  where you, you are married, and now everything just flows naturally enough to talk about or  think about it, whatever. And so this, I think it's important to help people to coach people to  expect that this is normal, so that they don't get married so that they don't begin this sexual  relationship with their spouse. And think why we're really we're really strange, because we're  maybe not always connecting, or my partner doesn't always know, my spouse doesn't know  what I need, or what I want. help people understand it's a process, that there's growth that  happens. A fourth myth is that everyone has the same assumptions and experiences. Again,  this one is closely related to the previous one in that, that if we don't actually verbalize if we  don't actually take the time to talk about what are my expectations? What are my  assumptions? What are my experiences? What you find in marriage, on a whole host of  things, is that you and your spouse, when you begin this life, together, you're living together,  you're with each other all the time, you start to realize that you have very different  assumptions, very different expectations around all kinds of things. Whether that's, you know, who buys the food? Who cooks the food? Who does the laundry? Who does some of the  housecleaning who does lawn maintenance? Who, right? You see, what are you gonna do with your free time? How are you going to spend your money, you start to realize that spouses  oftentimes come with very different assumptions based on very different experiences. And  part of what I'm saying here is that people's experiences and assumptions about sex is no  different. And so we have to realize that this is the case so that we can actually share those  and process that together, and think about how to truly love and care for and serve my  spouse in this way. And not necessarily not try to change them or force them to be exactly  identical to me, but to begin to understand together, how you can love and care for each  other in that way. The last myth I want to mention here is that sex is just about what happens  in the bedroom, that if we if we see and understand that marriage and sexual union is a  joining of two persons of two lives, then it's not just this physical act that you're concerned  with, and that maybe we're thinking about how are we? How are we performing in bed? How  are we taking care of each other in that way sexually, you start to realize that the more that I  love and serve and care for my spouse as a whole, in a lot of ways that the easier it makes  things in the bedroom, that if they understand if they understand that I love them that I trust  them that I put their needs before my own that I'm then I'm there to really care about them in a broad sense. Then it makes openness, vulnerability in the bedroom that much easier.  Similarly, I think, you know, it's also important to recognize that if we understand sexual  union, as this body language that there may be times when I'm feeling distant from from my  spouse. And it may be part of what we need is the actual physical intimacy, to remind us, that we love each other, that we care for each other. And so, you know, I think we have to  recognize that there's a, there's kind of a feedback loop here that as I care for my spouse as a whole, it makes, in some ways, matters in the bedroom easier. But there's also the sense in  which if things are a struggle, maybe on the whole, it's actually important to remind ourselves in the bedroom to consummate our marriage, again, in sexual union to say, Yes, I freely,  totally faithfully fruitfully give myself to you, so that that physical intimacy can then overflow  into greater intimacy, greater connection in the rest of our marriage. And so we have to be  really careful here that we don't allow a cut off either direction. So that so we would sort of  cut off sex, because we're struggling, maybe in the broader realm of our relationship, but also realize that as things are going well in the broader relationship as a whole, then that's going 

to feed well into our into our sexual relationship. Would you know, Williams Paris is an  anthropologist, and in her book, "The End of Sexual Identity", I really love what she says here  about really breaking down some of the myths our culture has about sex, maybe there's some Christians, she says this, "if marriage, or marital sex is asked to deliver self actualization, or  good sex on tap, it's likely to disappoint, but it can excel at what it's designed for drawing  people more and more deeply toward love. Practicing sex over over the course of a marriage  makes plain that sexual intimacy is not an opportunity to get have or do a person or  experience. Instead, it's the opportunity to give and receive love, joy, peace, patience,  kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. The fruit of the Spirit ripens in  the body." I love this quote, because again, it shows how sexual union and how marriage are  actually so called to, to draw out of ourselves, that they call us to enter into this, this way of  life that is overflowing with the Spirit of Jesus, that as I give myself totally fruitfully freely,  faithfully to my spouse, God is at work that my marriage begins in this in this small but  significant way to serve as a sign and pointer to, to those who don't know Jesus, about God's  faithfulness, about God's love about God's covenant and his character. And so it's not just a  matter of following the rules. It's not just a matter of romantic love. It's not just a matter of  finding a person who's going to fulfill or completely, marriage and sexual union are about  putting on display God's love in Christ. That's powerful. That to me is much more of a  motivator than any of those other things and following rules, or even finding self fulfillment. It puts my story in the broader context of God's story and what God is doing. And that gives me  purpose that gives me meaning that helps me understand my marriage is not just for myself,  it's not just for my spouse. It's for those who need to know we need to see the story of Jesus  put on display. Well, marriage is crucial. But maybe you're watching this thinking I'm single.  What about singleness? This seems like marriage is the be all and end all. You know you said  at the beginning don't idolize marriage, but it almost Is that what you're doing in this? I hope  not, in the next unit, we're going to shift our attention to singleness to celibacy and to see  how singleness just like marriage is a way that we are called as Christians to put Jesus's love  on display. So until next time, blessings