Video Transcript: Life Changing Coaching Part 2

Welcome back. My name is Steve Elzinga. And you are in the life changing coaching class. In  the first session, I talked about how learning some of this could not only affect your  professional life or your ministry life, but it also can affect really all your relationships, your  relationships, at the workplace, your relationships, in the neighborhood, in your community,  that you live in your relationships with your parents, your relationships with your extended  family, your relationship to your spouse, if you're married, or your relationship to your  children. Coaching is just another way of trying to lead in, in some ways, it's not a teaching,  leading, it's more, helping the people around you discover their gifts and their abilities, and to help people see how God has wired them. And some of the things that God may be calling  them to, and it's very non threatening. Sometimes counseling or mentoring or teaching can  be very threatening, because I am giving you information or I'm correcting you, or, you know,  I have an associate pastor who you know, he's going to preach, and then afterwards, we  evaluate what he's done. And he can feel very threatened because, you know, he put his  effort out on the line. And now, you know, I might say, Well, that didn't make any sense at all.  And so, a lot of times, as we're trying to lead people, people can feel easily threatened. With  coaching, it's, it's, it's not a threatening relationship at all, it's really an encouraging  relationship, it's, it's helping a person step up and take responsibility for their own life. So I  want to, I want to in this session, I want to, I want to tell you a little bit about where this whole thing came from. And, and, and because of where it came from, or at least has some roots in  this thing. There's an issue behind it that we have to deal with before we can really launch  into this. So the background, of this whole coaching thing is Rogerian therapy. I majored in  psychology in college, many years ago, and we studied all the different models of psychology. And the Rogerian theory or therapy was one of the models that we looked at Rogerian therapy is person centered. It was developed by Carl Rogers in the 1940s this type of therapy diverge  from the traditional traditional model of therapists as expert, you know, I'm here to help you  and train you and help you discover things and, and teach you things and moved instead  toward a non directive. Empathetic empathy is when I'm emoting that I care about you and,  and I'm positive towards you, I'm not negative. I'm not bringing you down. I'm not finding  fault empathetic approach that empowers and motivates the client in the therapeutic process. So try to motivate the client to take ownership for his own therapy in some ways. This is a  picture of Carl Rogers, of course he's gone now. I just thought I'd give you a little sense of the  man by with some of the quotes that that he that he spoke experience is for me the highest  authority. So he was not a Christian. You know, we would say the Bible is the highest authority and experience is very suspect. You know, the devil can give us all kinds of experiences. But  for Carl Rogers experiences for me the highest authority, the touchstone of validity is my own  experience thinks something is real when I experience it, no other person's ideas and none of  my own ideas are as authority, authoritative as my experience. It is to experience that I must  return again and again, to discover a closer approximation to truth as it is the process of  becoming in me so he can see that there's a bit of a kind of a new age slant towards this. That truth is sort of relative. As Christians, we believe that truth is absolute. That God is absolute  and he gives us his absolute truth in the Word, the Bible. But for Carl Rogers, your experience, forms truth within you. And, and your experience, of course, is different than my experience.  So your truth is based on your experience, and my truth is based on my experience, and so  when two people meet, it's just a difference of experiences, and different truths based on  those experiences. Another quote, in my early professional years, I was asking the question,  How can I treat or cure or change this person? Okay, and I think that's a natural feeling when  we're trying to lead someone, we're trying to help someone go from here to there, we're like,  how do I get you over there? How do I help you become more successful? Right now your  marriage is a disaster, it's broken, or there's brokenness in your family, there's brokenness in  this relationship, or you're not succeeding in your business and it's failing, and you can't put  food on your table. So how do we fix this? How do I help you fix this? How do I treat cure or  change this person? They're doing things that don't work. Now, I would phrase the question in this way, how can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal  growth? So how can I walk beside this person? What can I do to help this person in a  relationship, figure out how to change things? It's not me changing them? It's, they're 

changing who they are in this relationship? Another quote, it is the client who knows what  hurts? And that's true, I mean, are often true? You see, it's sort of true, but it's sort of not true. Do you know that sometimes the client knows, you know, they just know that they're hurting,  they don't always know why they're hurting. They don't know what the cause of their hurt is.  The client knows what hurts, what directions to go. Well, do they, what problems are crucial.  Sometimes, clients have no idea what the problem is, sometimes clients. You know, they're  they're trying to work on this when there's a problem that's, you know, more systemic, or  more foundational. And without fixing that problem, you don't fix others. That's true with  alcoholism. Alcoholism is a foundational problem, you can have a problem at work, a problem  of finishing things, a problem of lying, a problem of cheating. But the foundational problem is  the alcohol, you can work on the cheating and the lying and all these other things, but you'll  never fix it unless you go back to the foundation. It's the client who knows what hurts, what  directions to go, what problems are crucial, what experiences have been deeply buried. It  began to occur to me that unless I had a need to demonstrate my own cleverness and  learning, so what he's saying is often in the counseling situation. As a counselor, I'm focused  on how clever I am. You know, I listen to my client, tell me his story and what's going on, and  then I fix it. Because I'm so smart. I understand all the dynamics that have gone into your life  and cause you to end up into the problems you are, and I will tell you what happened, and  then I will tell you how you can fix it. So in other words, I'm the clever one. I'm the smart one,  you just have to listen and do what I say. So Carl Rogers is saying, you know, do I really need  to do that? Or can I trust that the client can sort of figure these things out if I help him? Unless he's saying, unless I have this great need to feel great about myself as the counselor, you  know, when I'm done with the counseling session, I feel good about me, because of how  clever I am, and how I figured out his problems, and the advice and the stories that I told for  my own life. And that's often the case. I mean, that sometimes that is the way is as, as  pastors do, we stand up and preach. And a lot of times, it's more about us. And our sense of  being a good speaker and being clever and finding this really cool part in this passage, so that other people are impressed with us. So our focus is on ourselves as the counselor, not the  client. I had a need to demonstrate. It began to occur to me that unless I had a need to  demonstrate my own In cleverness and learning, I would do better to rely upon the client for  the direction of movement in the process. So again, it's this whole notion of client centered,  I'm not going to be counselor centered, I'm going to be client centered, the client has the  answer, the client is the one that has to figure out what to do to change their life. Three key  qualities that make for a good client centered therapist, again, this is all still the Rogerian  therapy, again, not talking about coaching yet, I'm talking about something that I think is  behind some of the ideas in in the coaching arena. So number one, unconditional positive  regard, if you're going to trust the client, to figure things out and come up with solutions, then you're going to have to be positive towards them, you can't be negative, if you're negative, if  you're finding fault, then the client is going to be less inclined to say anything. So  unconditional positive regard, and unconditional positive regard is an important practice for  the client centered therapist, the therapist needs to accept the client for who he or she is, and provide support and care no matter what she or he is going through. So if I, if I am, you know,  I'm the county counselor, and I'm projecting judgment, you know, you're cheating on your  spouse. And you shouldn't do that. Because the Bible says you shouldn't do that, well, then  I'm shutting that person down, I am now the judge, not the one going, Hey, how can you  figure out what to do with your life. So I have to be positive all the time. If I if I show  negativity, that shuts the client down, he's now seeing me as the judge, not the positive  supporter. Number two, genuineness, a client centered therapist needs to feel comfortable  sharing his or her feelings with the client, not only will this contribute to a healthy open  relationship between the therapist and the client, it provides the client with a model of good  communication and shows the client that it's okay to be vulnerable. So, it's about working on  a relationship, if I'm going to help you solve your problem, we're going to have to, you know,  really get along, we're gonna have to feel like we we're together. And I have to model to you  what I want you to do. So I have to be willing to share and be vulnerable, so that you can  share and be vulnerable. Number three, empathetic understanding, the client centered 

therapist must extend empathy to the client, I care about you, I believe in you, I'm with you.  Both from a positive therapist, therapeutic relationship, and to act as a sort of mirror, okay  reflecting the client's thoughts and feelings back to him or her, this will allow the client to  better understand him or herself. So mirroring, maybe you've heard of some of that  sometimes. Or maybe you've been in a counseling situation, or you've been in a leadership  situation, where you say something, and then the person that you're talking to just says it  right back to you. So I, you know, if I was the client, I might say, you know, I'm really feeling  frustrated and anger, angry with regard to my spouse lately, and the therapist respond. So.  So you're saying that you're feeling frustrated when you start dealing with your spouse? And  then the client goes, Yeah, that's how I feel. And you're like, well, what's the point? A lot of  times, people will tell you things, the client will tell you things, but they don't really know  what they're saying, as they're telling you. They're not thinking about what they just told you.  So when you mirror it back, when you present it back, in sort of I'm with you sort of manner.  Oh, so it seems to me that what you're telling me is that, you know, when you meet your wife, you feel frustrated. Every, you know, when you're in her presence, you might say it in slightly  different words. And then they, they get to hear it. And it was sometimes we speak, we don't  even hear what we're saying. But when someone puts it back to us, we can finally hear it, or  we can correct it. Sometimes we say something, but we mean a whole bunch of other things  behind it. But my father was like that he would he would tell you something, and then I would  reflect back exactly what he just said to me. And he would say No, that isn't what I'm saying.  And I'm like I just said what you said to me. But see, he wasn't very good at saying what he  really thought. And so in Mirroring is a way to, you know, keep going over the subject many  times So you can finally get it. And it creates this sense that we're in this together, rather  than being alone. Alright, let's get through the issue. So this is the Rogerian therapy, I think  some of this is behind the whole coaching phenomena that's really occurred over the last 10  years or so, the issue of client centered coaching, Okay, number one, it assumes that  mankind is good. Okay. So if I'm going to meet with someone, and they have issues and  problems in their life, and I think that the solution is inside of them, I'm assuming that that  ultimately, this person is good, he's got a good nature. The problem is in the Christian world,  we don't say that we say mankind is bad, that people are born in sin. They're born with a  sinful nature, which is selfish, doing things for oneself, self absorbed, where we're so  concerned about ourselves that we don't even think of other people. So if that's what a  person inherently is, if so I'm the therapist, and I come to you, and I'm trying to help you  become more selfish. I'm trying to help you become better at being self absorbed. So so  that's a problem. It assumes mankind is good, number two is it assumes as the answers to  one's problems are within oneself. Again, the Christian view is that the answer is narrow, not  in yourself. The answer is outside of yourself. In the Word of God, in a relationship with God,  walking with the Holy Spirit, You can't just trust yourself. That's, that's why we have so much  problems in the first place. And number three, assumes the client actually has, has positive  dreams and desires, if I'm going to come along and coach someone, to, to do something to go after their goals and their dreams, I'm assuming that they have good dreams. You know, if I  lived, and then in the 1930s, in Germany, and I was coaching Adolf Hitler, I'd be coaching him  to be a better Adolf Hitler. So there's something inherently wrong with this whole process,  isn't there? I mean, this is the Rogerian sort of philosophy that, that, you know, Carl Rogers  saw that most of the therapeutic kinds of models before were based on problems. Sigmund  Freud had one view, other people had different views. And we got to fix these problems, and  there's brokenness at the center of it. And he started turned around and said, No, there's  something good at the center of it all. And we just have to step back and let it come out. That  the good is there. And we just have to create an environment where the good can come out.  Well, why it can work with Christians. Okay, so all this the Rogerian theory in the therapy was  sort of, you know, Bibles, not a part of it, prayer, God, none of these things are there that  human beings inherently have something good inside of them. Now, why can that philosophy  work with Christians? Okay, what I'm saying is, it doesn't work as a general rule. But it may  sort of work when you're talking about Christians, and here's why. The client is a Christian,  okay, if I'm working with a Christian, then Christ is in him or her. Okay, there is something 

good inside, the client has potential, the client has gifts, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, God has a  plan for the client, therefore, the coach can believe in the potential of the client and help draw the God given thing that God has already placed inside of this person. You see, you see the  Rogerian therapy says there's just something good already there. And a Christian will say, No, there's sin and brokenness there. But when someone becomes a Christian, they have a new  heart. They're given the gifts of the spirit, all the good things of God are inside of them. And  now you can bring that out. Number two, there's not the potential conflict of worldviews  between the coach and the client. So if I'm just helping some guy that wants to take  advantage of people and become filthy, rich, no matter, you know, no matter what it takes,  you see there's a conflict between my worldview, I don't think that's what people should do.  And I don't want to help someone do that. But if I the coach, I'm a Christian, and my client is a Christian. We're on the same page. have the same worldview, that Christ is king. And that  God's Kingdom is what ultimately everything is all about. So, with Christians, okay, we can we can do this coaching thing, because we're on the same worldview page number three, prayer  and Bible helps can be used in the process. In other words we're not just on our own it's not  just what's in you. There's prayer alongside there's the accessing the Word of God, how did  the Word of God inform what we're trying to figure out as as we're trying to pursue different  goals? How this client centered Christian coaching can help in ministry. Okay, so we dealt a  little bit with the issue, and we'll keep talking about this as we go. But what's the point of  this? How does this really help in ministry anyway, number one, it help leaders deal with  dependents. Okay, dependents sometimes really do not want to be fixed. A dependent is  someone who always is looking for help. They like the attention counseling affords them,  coaching puts the focus, coaching puts the focus on action, rather than just making people  feel better. If the dependent never wants to do anything action, about their problems, then  the coach has the basis to terminate the coaching process. So when I started in ministry, I  was thinking, more counseling, how do I help these broken people. And what what ended up  happening is I get all these broken people, and many of them don't want to be fixed. They like the attention that I was giving them. And I had no way of getting out of this relationship. They kept taking up all my time. They really needed a friend. They needed connections to other  people, but they were using the counseling situation and the pastoral care as the means to  get it. And I had no way of getting out of it. Because there was no action, there was nothing I  could call them too. And if they're not willing to do this, and I started, you know, without  knowing this whole coaching thing, I started asking people look, you got to at least read the  Bible in prayer, you gotta have a prayer and Bible life. if you're if you're not going to do that,  if you're not going to at least do that action. We're not meeting again, because people would  just totally waste my time. Okay, number two, can help leaders spend time with the people  that have the most potential. Often it's the squeaky wheel that gets the attention of church  leaders 80% of ministry leader effort goes into 20%, the 20%, that does very little ministry in  the church, I can tell you that's true as a pastor 80% of my time is taken up with 20% of the  congregation, the 20%, that doesn't do much. I give 20% of my time to the people that make  everything happen. Because they don't demand my time. And almost no effort goes into  helping the 20% of the people who do 80% of the ministry. So in coaching, the focus is on  people who want to do something, people that that have some goals, and want to get  involved in something. So as a style of working with people in the church, this is way more  productive. I'm working with the people that actually want to do something. And the people  that don't want to do something I can I can let go. I don't have to keep putting my time into  people that don't want to do anything. Coaching can focus on people that show promise,  coaching can focus on the people that have a passion for ministry. Ephesians 4, so Christ  Himself gave the apostles the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers notice  these are all leaders. Okay, Christ Himself gave all these different offices, all these different  leadership roles. Why? What's the purpose of a pastor to do the ministry? No! Verse 12, to  equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up the purpose  of a leader is not to do all the ministry. Sometimes churches have that thought we hire a  pastor, we hired these people to go and do the ministry. No! Our church hires the pastor so  that he can equip the people to do the ministry to go into action. So what happens is pastors 

get bogged down with all the counseling, they get bogged down with having to give people  advice and and solve all the problems that are going on in the church. Instead of motivating,  and getting the people that actually want to do something to do those things. My church plant in Vancouver, Carol Dow, she was kind of a homeless lady started coming to our church. And  there were some members, we started our church in Vancouver, we made 20,000 phone calls, and we got 200 people to come to our church. And in the process of doing that, there were  some people you know, that our that my people that the leaders that wanted to help me plant the church, they connected with these dependent type people who would require all kinds of  work. And so they brought Carol Dow to church. And I remember she had a little puppy, and  she wanted prayer for her puppy every week. And, and but the people that brought her sort of brought her to church and said, there you go, Pastor, now she's yours. You have to disciple or  you have to, you know, we've done our part we brought her. I said, No, no, my job is to equip  you, you to do the ministry. So that they were dumping all in the they were expecting me to  do all the ministry. And that's often what happens in the church, it becomes this Counseling,  Advising, teaching, instead of bringing the best out of potential leaders. So ultimately, they  can, you know, expand the ministry. I mean, if I have to take care of every single Carol Dow  that comes to the church, that I can only take care of so many. My job is to equip many to do  that. Highland church, my first church counseling, you know, I, when I started on ministry, I  just wanted to help people I wanted people to grow, I wanted the brokenness in their life to be changed. And so I just took on everything I did the preaching, I did the teaching, I did the  young people thing. I did the young adult thing. I did, the pastoral care, I started doing  counseling, and it was it was non ending. And I just got bogged down with all those things.  And I didn't spend the time that I needed to spend getting people that have the potential to  go out and do things. And so the ministry, it grinds to a halt. Because you're just one person,  you have to realize that if you're a minister, if you're in the on the pastoral team, that your job is to expand the ministry, not to do the ministry. We're not saying you never do ministry, but  your your your number one job is to expand who you are, because you're only one person.  And one person can only do so much. What if you could help 20 Other people become part of  who you are. Now, there's not just one you there's 20. You see what, see how you can multiply this thing. So little summary. Coaching has this background of this Rogerian therapy, which is  sort of, you know, a godless thing. It assumes something good about people, when we know  that people are born in sin, but we can sort of redeem it. Because if you're a Christian, and  you're working with Christians, you know, then Christ isn't there is some good thing in there  that you can bring out. So that's sort of a prerequisite for this whole coaching thing. Coaching  is, the coach has to be a Christian, and then the people that you're helping have to be  Christians as well. Alright, until next time,