Video Transcript: The Causes of the Need for Life Coaching Part 3

Hi, Steve Elzinga. Back here, again, we're looking at some of the causes for the need for  coaching, this whole coaching phenomenon is a fairly new thing. It's taking the business world by storm. And it's, well, you've heard about it. You've heard about it somewhere. It's entered  the church world. And I think it's, it's being talked about because it is actually working. That,  that people are frustrated with the traditional ways of trying to lead. People are trying to lead  but people aren't following people aren't, aren't doing. A boss tries to get his employees to do things, and they just don't do it. A pastor tries to get a church going in a certain direction and  making things happen. And it seems like people are unmotivated. And then this coaching  thing comes along, and things are changing. People are actually accomplishing things, and  positive things are happening. And now I've been talking about why that is the case, why is  this coaching thing become a thing in the last few years, and it didn't exist 100 years ago. So  we've looked at several things. We're going to finish with this. This time together. I think  coaching has become a more a more significant way to get people to do things. Because of  this, the breakdown of support systems. A support system is the things behind the scene.  Right now when I go home, I go on a freeway, and then I take an exit, and then I have an  eight mile journey going east. And they're working on the road. They're working on that eight  mile track. And the first time I ran into the problem, I then had to make a mile detour or go a  mile and then come back. And I kept getting off of that exit for a week and a half. And I kept  being surprised. In other words, you know, I'm a creature of habit, I'm used to getting off of  that exit, I'm used to going down that road for eight miles turning left turning right turning left going to my house. And all of a sudden there was this barrier. And I bumped into what 1, 2, 3,  4, 5 times and it took six or seven times for me to learn to get off at an earlier exit. So I can  avoid the whole thing. So the system, the support system, that helps me go home is this  familiar road, and the car knows where it wants to go, I don't even have to think about it, I  can be thinking about other things. So there's a whole history behind what I am doing. And  that's the way it is with most of life, we do things because we learn them because and we  learn them because of the culture that we live in the place that we live, the education that we have the people that we're friends with the job that we have, all these things push us and pull us in certain directions. And when we don't like some of those things, when we want to  change those things, we need a whole support system to change that to just add one habit to  your life is extremely hard. I, for example have the habit of brushing my teeth every morning.  And I do it without fail. Why? Because I do it without fail. I've been doing it all my life. I get up  in the morning, and the first place I go is to the bathroom. You know, that's where I need to  go. And there's my toothbrush. So I have this system in place that helps me succeed with the  thing that I want to do. Well, well, you know, if you go back 100 years, there were all these  support systems in our lives that I want to talk about that have sort of disintegrated. And  because people don't have these support systems, they're not able to do the things that they  really want to do. And so this coaching thing comes along and says, you know, I'm going to  try to help you. I'm going to try to be that support system that is falling apart. So the first  system that is sort of I think falling apart is the walking with God support system. And walking with God includes talking to God. It includes prayer. Listening to God, the most consistent  form is is reading the Bible. And we call we call prayer and Bible reading, we call that personal devotions. I think in the past, people had a habit of reading the Bible every day, and praying  every day, in a personal way, but I think that has sort of fallen aside, people don't have this  habit, they work on it for a while, and then they lose it. Then the Church says, Hey, let's work  on this. And so people sort of come in and out with that. I think marriage devotions, husband  and wife, the closest relationship ship you have in the world is that with your spouse, and if  you want God at the center of it, then it would seem only logical that sometimes you spend  time talking to God together. But but, you know, 100 years ago, in or 150 years ago, in the  United States, people lived on the farm. My father in law, and mother in law lived on the farm. And they had a habit of being together, they were home, they ate three meals together, every single day. And so they had a structure in place, a support system, that allowed them to read  the Bible and pray together every single day. And the same thing with family devotions.  People used to eat together, you know, when I grew up, we ate supper together every night,  the parents and the kids all together. And that was true about all my friends, everyone had to 

be home for supper. But with the invention of fast food, you know, McDonald's comes in, and  the microwave, prepared meals, frozen meals. You know, it used to take my mother two hours to make the meal. And her attitude was, you know, if it takes me two hours to make it we're  going to be here together as a family. And we're going to eat this together. But now  everything's quick and fast. And it didn't take someone two hours. And as you know, one  person wants one thing, and another person wants to eat something else. And so everyone  throws in what they want in the microwave, they make their own meal, they. And so what's  happened is the support system of being together as a family has eroded, families aren't  together, families are pulled apart. That that there's a special interest group for every interest of every member of the family. So one son goes that way a daughter goes this way that the  mother goes this way the Father is with another group. And the same thing happens at  church. People go to church, and the kids go here, the young people go there, the father goes  there, I mean, everyone is split up into their own special special interest. And because of that, the family walk with God has disintegrated, fallen apart. small groups. It used to be you were  part of a small group, it was called your extended family, your uncle's, your aunts, your  cousins, you saw them all the time they lived near you, you did things with them. Now that  family structure is falling apart, people move away, they don't live close to each other. You  don't see your cousins, you don't know your aunts and uncles. And so the church tries to  artificially make small groups and you know, Bible studies, and sometimes they work and  sometimes they don't. But my point is, all these things are sort of falling apart. The church  service itself. You know, people used to be faithful. When I grew up in church, I went on  Sunday morning, and Sunday night. The whole day was sort of bookend by having a service  together. And now people come and go, you know, I have people in my church who say, This  is my church, I love my church, they come once a month. Why? Cause they have other things  going on this Sunday doesn't work out. Saturday night, we were up late, and so we're not  getting up this morning. So that support system, the support system of being together with  fellow Christians who are trying to live the same way that you're trying to live. That system is  falling apart. And because people aren't there. They're not being supported. They're not being supported and all that they're not walking with God every day. They're not walking with their  spouse every day. They're not walking with their family. They're not supported by friends at  the church service. So the support system to hold them to the things they really want to do.  People want to live the Christian life they want to, they want to, you know, live for God's  kingdom. But the support system for making that happen is eroding. And because of that,  there's a need for coaching. That's sort of my point. Alright. Next, the rise of affluence.  Proverbs 30:8-9. give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.  Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, Who's the Lord? or I may become  poor and steal. And so dishonor of the name of my God. I spent a year in the Philippines back  in 1981-82. And, and I, I just spent a little bit of time, about a month ago. And I could tell that  people are eating way better than they were 40 years ago in the Philippines. And so affluence  is is, you know, has come to the Philippines, there were malls there. You know, back in 81-82,  there were no malls, I think the first McDonald's came to Manila. But now there's jellybeans  and there's all these different places all over the place. affluence has come to the whole  world, I think, you know, the industrial revolution is taken hold everywhere. And more and  more people have more and more things and more and more opportunities. But what does  that do? Number one, it gives people freedom. You know, I'm for freedom. I mean, who's  against freedom. But let's think about this freedom and choice. Because we have more money and more time, we have more options, we're free to choose things. I don't have to do this,  that back, back, when you don't have much out, you know, you're hungry. And this is the only  work you have to do it. But when there's options, when there's freedom to choose, well, then  you know, I might pick this, and I might pick that. And, and today, we live in a sea of choices.  We're inundated with choices. And, and, and we're inundated with information, we can  research everything that we want to buy to death. And so we don't know what to do. See  that's the downside of freedom and choice. The upside of no freedom and choice is here's the  one thing, the one option that I have, and I do it, I don't even think about it, this is what I have to do. But when you have a choice, you don't know what to do. Am I doing the right thing. So 

even as you're doing one thing, you're wondering if you should do something else. So this is  kind of a pervasive thing all over the world, people have more freedom of choice, but they  don't know what to do with it. They don't know how to handle that freedom. And people are  starting to have that feeling about everything. You know, I get married, but you know, should I stay married to you? I don't know, because I couldn't get out of it. See, this freedom is not  always good. Sometimes, you know, if I think about some of the old friends that I have, you  know, I went to school for five days in a row and I sat in the classroom with these same  people every single day, I was forced to be with them, I was forced to deal with them. I live in  the same house that that my wife does. I don't have the freedom to live in another house, we  can't afford two houses. And that one house forces us to be together to work things out. We  can't just get angry at one another without saying anything because we live in the same  house. So that lack of freedom sometimes forces you to do the things that you should do.  Whereas when you have the freedom, yeah, I don't like this job, I'm gonna get another I don't  like this friend, I'm going to get another I don't like this church, I'm going to get another it  leads to all kinds of brokenness in people's lives, and they can't stick with anything. And they  can't get anything done, they can't succeed. So again, I'm saying this it has caused a need for coaching, a need for someone to come alongside and say, okay, Freedom has caused all this  chaos in your life, you don't know what to do with your freedom. So as a coach, let me help  you manage this. So that you can actually succeed. I think another support system or  something that's, you know, causing this brokenness and therefore a lack or the need for  coaching, is I think we're becoming more and more self absorbed, a self absorbed culture.  And yeah, II Timothy 3:2-4, People will be lovers of themselves lovers of money boastful,  proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, Without love, unforgiving,  slanderous, without self control, brutal, not lovers of the good treacherous rash, conceited,  lovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of God. I think the word self absorbed is a good one. And self absorbed is not the same thing as selfish. Selfish, is when I'm going to do something for  me, and I know it's gonna hurt you, but I'm gonna do it anyway. See, I'm selfish. I want  something at the expense of you. self absorbed is I'm not even Thinking about you. I'm not  even aware that you're going to get hurt by me going after the thing that I want to because  all I'm thinking about is me. So selfish is when you do it on purpose, self absorbed is when  you, you don't even think of the other person. And I think that's where our culture's sort of  heading, very self absorbed, we don't understand the hurt that we cause the people around  us, often, in a marriage one is self absorbed, they just don't see the needs of the other. In  churches, you have this all the time, people become self absorbed. And what happens when  everyone's self absorbed is everything falls apart. Again, this support system of a community  where the community comes together and helps everyone succeed is lost. If everyone is only  concerned about themselves, then nothing gets supported, and you're on your own. And so  that's how people feel. People feel unhappy, they're self absorbed and their unhappy because things aren't going well. And they don't know why they can't see that they have to start  thinking about others. So again, the need for a coach to help people to get past this self  absorbed, attitude A.D.D. culture, attention deficit deficit, people that, you know, can stick  with one topic, they tend to bounce around, even in the conversation, you're, you started one  thing and next thing you know, you're talking about something else, because one thing leads  to another, it's a lot of people suffer that today, it would seem to sort of focus on something,  maybe you're you struggle with that, you know, to get something done, you have to think  about the step and the second step and the third step, and you have to keep working in an  organized manner. But if you're working on one thing, and that sort of relates to a totally  different thing, all of a sudden you're thinking about something else, and you spend 10  minutes over here, and then you don't get the thing done that you were working on. And I  think we live in an A.D.D. culture. If you go back in history, 100-200 years, there wasn't  television, there was no Internet, a lot of people didn't read, you couldn't easily get to the  library. You were alone, you're working on the farm, there's only one thing that you're doing  here, there's no other options. There's no one distracting you. There's no music, there's no  radio, there's no CDs, there's no mp3s, there's nothing, okay? So whatever it is you're doing is not competing with anything. Now, we're never alone, that people have their cell phone, 

maybe you're taking this class on a cell phone, maybe you're on the subway going  somewhere, and you're oblivious to what's happening to the people around you. And you're  sitting there listening to me talk about coaching, we have things going on all around us. And,  and we get easily distracted. And because we're so easily distracted, we can't hang on to a  goal. I want to try to make this I want to make my marriage better. And then you know, three  days later, I don't even remember that I said that. So we bounce from one thing to another  bounce from one thing to another and we don't get any of them done. So we need a coach  that helps us go okay, what is it you really want to do? And and what are you going to do this  week? And then we meet next week and what did you do? You got to stick to this one thing.  Matthew 9:36 When he Jesus saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. I think that's a good description of an  A.D.D. culture, then nothing to follow. And so they don't know which way to go. And the result  is the feeling of being harassed by people and everybody that wants something from you all  the competing desires that people have for your time. I'm helpless What can I do about it? You did the so much noise in our culture, what can I do about it? Which relates to this one, many  conflicting voices Isaiah 30:21 Whether you're turned to the right or to the left, your ears will  hear a voice behind you saying this is the way walk in it. advertising. The whole world is about advertising here in the United States. We can't even have an arena called the arena and it has to be called the the you know the the Ford car arena. Everything is sponsored by some  company that's trying to sell you something movies with the commercials and Facebook ads  and on and I mean, people are trying to influence us at every step, Buy this, you want a  happy life, then this is what you need. Right now I think on Facebook, there's all these master  classes, everyone that's ever done anything is now going to teach you in 10 simple lessons  about how to do something. And you can learn from the best authors in the world. And you  can learn from the best singers in the world. And, and, you know, this is what you want, this is what you want, this is what you want. If you search for something on the internet, all of a  sudden, you get a bunch of ads about that one thing that you searched, you can't get away  from it. People are calling your name whispering saying this is the way, walk in it. This is the  way, walk in it. It's deafening. So how are you going to figure out what you really want to do  when everyone is speaking to you at the same time telling you and giving you a list of  reasons why you should go this way, a list of reasons why you should go that way. And if one  person is saying you should go this way, and they have all kinds of good reasons, someone is  telling you the exact opposite with all kinds of good reasons. And you're like in the middle of  going I don't know. What people do is they end up following this one for a while, then they  bounce to that one. And they just go back and forth. And in the end, nothing happens.  Nothing changes. And there's just a lot of confusion. Breakdown of family culture, breakdown  of family culture, like I said before, it used to be, you know, families live close together, often  in the same house, grandma and grandpa are there, uncle and aunt. And so when you know a parent is trying to punish a child, grandma's right there to support the parent or, or if the  parent is too harsh, then Grandma says, Now let's not be so harsh. You were like this when  you were a kid too, sometimes, you know, there was a culture that shared the load. But now  everyone's isolated, everyone's moved away, everyone is far from family. Often, maybe  you're still in a part of a world where your family is around you within, you know, give God  thanks for that support system in your life. But most people are struggling on their own. And,  and when you're struggling on your own, it's hard to make anything happen. Okay, that's  what we're talking about. We're talking about trying to set goals for our lives, change the  things that are hurting, positively go after the things that we want, and sticking with it.  Making a goal coming up with a plan. And then you know, being held accountable to follow  through with it. But people can't follow through with it, because they don't have a support  system. No one cares if I stick with this or not. You know, when I got married, I got married in  a church. And I invited all the people that were important to me, my family, my relatives,  friends, people from my church, and they all came and they were all part of this one event.  And what are they doing, they're there to encourage me to stick with the promise that I made  to my wife, you know, to exclusively go through life with her, she is my mate, we're going to  try to be you know, whatever God has in mind for us to be as a couple, and I want all of you 

people to hold me to this thing that I want to do. Okay, that's when the family system is  working, the family is holding you to the thing that you really want to do. Now when the  family system breaks down. And I don't even know where half these people are that were at  my wedding. How are they gonna hold me to this thing? So now I'm on my own. Okay, now  I'm on my own to stay true to my promise, because no one else is there to help me. And so  what if, you know, my wife and hit a you know, we hit a, you know, hit some troubles. And  then we go through some hard times in our marriage, and we go through some something  that happens. And we feel like quitting. Where's the system to hold us to what we wanted to  do? See that that's what's breaking down, the family cultures breaking down. And so people's  commitment is breaking down as well. Breakdown of discipline, culture, discipline, is the act  of delaying gratification in the hopes of a better future reward because of credit, because  people can get what they want before they actually have the money to pay for it. People don't typically know how to delay gratification. That's what discipline is discipline is, I'm going to  work hard for something. I'm not going to get what I want right now, but I'm going to work  hard first, and then later delayed, then later I will get what I worked for, but now people want  it ahead of time. And then they expect to be motivated to work after the fact. Which is is kind  of the reverse. It's hard to work for something that you already have. It's easier to work hard  for something you don't have. So that whole culture, the discipline, culture is breaking down.  And without discipline, people don't again, stick with what the thing that they wanted to do.  And so that's where the coaching comes in the coaching comes in and says, Alright, let's add  a little discipline to your life. Let's, let's add some accountability. We're going to meet every  week, every other week. And we're going to talk about the goals that you made what you did, and we're going to adjust things or we're going to come back to things, we're going to add  some discipline to your life so that you can actually succeed. So ultimately, the need for  coaching. So this is, this will sort of conclude our whole section on why coaching is needed in  this day and age. It wasn't needed maybe 100 years ago, the need for coaching. The coach  takes the place of the supportive culture of family, friends and church that used to help a  person succeed in doing what they really want to do. So that's why this coaching thing is so  important now. All right, well see you back later.