There’s something in our brain, or maybe the sinful nature, or maybe we’re tempted by the devil, or maybe we just—for whatever reason, when that sinful nature operates, it creates, it incites stumbling blocks in communication. And it truly comes out of the heart.

Stumbling Blocks

Today, we’re going to talk about those stumbling blocks to communication and ask the Holy Spirit to help rid those out of us.

We hear in Romans 14:13:

“Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.”

So, what we’re talking about in this presentation is how to share truth in meaning, in love, in joy.

Meaning Barriers

Reuel Howe, a theologian educator, talked about meaning barriers:

“A barrier to communication is something—this is an obstacle—is something that keeps meaning from meeting. Meaning barriers exist between all people, making communication much more difficult than most people seem to realize. It is false to assume that if one can talk, he can communicate, because so much of our education misleads people into thinking that communication is easier than it is. They become discouraged and give up when they run into difficulty.”

So, communication to show the love of Christ is very difficult. It takes prayer, effort. It takes intentional thinking about even these obstacles that we can give off.

Thomas Gordon's List of Communication Spoilers

Thomas Gordon lists some communication spoilers.He says:

“Experts in interpersonal communication like Carl Rogers, Reuel Howe, Haim Ginott, Jack Gibb have pinpointed responses that tend to block conversations. More recently, Thomas Gordon devised a comprehensive list that he calls the ‘Dirty Dozen’ of communication spoilers.”

And I’m going to add an extra one to his list.

Now, it’s fascinating. These great communication experts and psychologists, they’re in the general population. Many call them the secular thinkers. They often come to grips with things that we see already in the Bible. It’s as if they got many of these ideas, these obstacles, out of the Bible.

Well, let’s continue on. We last time talked about six obstacles to communication. We’re going to continue that now with number seven: moralizing.

7. Moralizing - Using the God or the Bible says so "card” without careful and prayerful consideration.  

Examples: "The Bible says you are wrong about that.”  "God does not like that attitude in this church.”

Moralizing, especially in ministry, or as a Christian leader, is something that we can do, especially after we’ve been born again. We see the implications of God in our own lives. We get how God has changed us.

So, what starts happening when we relate to other believers or our family, who also are Christians, when we want to make our point or we want to communicate in something complex, we just right away start moralizing—using the God or the Bible card, or saying something like using “God or the Bible says so” card, without carefully or prayerfully considering, is that appropriate?

Examples:

“The Bible says that you’re wrong about that.”

“God told me that He wants you to—”

“If God told you to tell me that, God would probably also tell me what He’s telling you.”

You know, that’s some of the responses people get when they are thrown the obstacle of moralizing.

You know, I’ve seen the damage as a pastor in churches—maybe you have too—where somebody is really trying to manipulate or control a situation, and they right away say, “The Bible says,” or, “I think God wants you to do that.”

But that’s an obstacle. A lot of times, when those obstacles come in communication in the church, these are the type of things that divide a church.

What can you say to someone who says, “God told me you should do something”? That’s a pretty powerful statement to tell someone.

James 4:12:

“There’s only one lawgiver and judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you, who are you to judge your neighbor?”

James 4:15:

“Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.’”

In other words, we together as believers, we walk with God. And as the Lord is leading our hearts, let’s get people talking, asking curious questions—things such as this instead.

Instead of saying, “God told me you should do this,” maybe ask this question: “How is your walk with God intersecting with that decision?”

But even when you do that, be very careful. Not, “How is your walk with God intersecting with that decision?” No, more: “How is your walk with God and that decision coming together? Where are your prayers leading you here?”

Now, if the person feels that God is leading in a direction—maybe it’s a direction not connected to the vision of a church, the church that you’re leading at—and if they’re in conflict, say, “Well, the Lord, in my walk with God, and the vision of the church is this.”

So, have a discussion, but keep the God card at a place where it’s not this judgmental.

But it will come up. This is a very complicated thing because, at churches, we believe God is speaking and God leads. So, we want to honor the fact that God leads us, the Holy Spirit leads us, but also honor the fact that the Lord leads each of us in different directions.

Number eight: excessive, inappropriate questioning.

8. Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning - Asking  many closed-ended questions or ones requiring short or simple answers.

Examples: Did you think that action was Christ-like? What part of the sermon did you miss? 

What’s that?

Well, asking closed-end questions requiring short or simple answers.

Example: “Do you think that action was Christ-like?”

Okay.

“What part of the sermon did you miss?”

John 8:7:

“When they kept on questioning Him, He straightened up and said to them, ‘If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.’”

Now, here’s an example where a woman is caught in adultery, and the approach, excessive questioning, was probably thrown at this woman.

Now, all of these things—and again, we can talk about other issues: What about the guy? What about the husband? What about all these?

You know, a true, loving investigation was probably not happening. Instead, they kept questioning Him. Now, where now it’s questioning on Christ Jesus, not even on the woman. It’s on Him, trying to get Him to trip, trying to get Him to trip.

Instead, Jesus says, “Look, if anyone is without sin, let him first cast the first stone.”

Now, Jesus, as our Lord and Savior, knows how to answer a question and knows the hearts of men and women, so knew what was going on. But that’s an example of a stumbling block.

Often, we just, like, go on the rampage, ask questions, that the questions themselves basically show disrespect.

Close to this is advising. It’s another obstacle: giving what you think is the best solution without input or dialogue.

9. Advising - Giving what you think is the best solution without input or dialogue. 

Example - 

I think you should ask Wilma to do that ministry. 

Here’s an example: “I think you should ask Wilma to do that ministry.”

Okay, maybe instead we ought to say, “Who do you think could do this ministry? A couple of ideas I have: I think Wilma could do the ministry. Jenny could possibly do that ministry. Are there any names that you have in mind?”

Now it starts a dialogue.

Now, if you’re the leader, that person who is with you will say, “Now, you said Jenny and you said Wilma. What do you believe about each of them?”

And you might say, “Well, I think I prefer Wilma, but you know something? What’s your thought about that?”

What’s happened is we’re having dialogue here. We’re having ownership.

And sometimes—and I’ve experienced—that if I get the dialogue going, I’m thinking it should be Wilma, but it really should be Jenny or someone that was another person that came up in the discussion.

Matthew 23:24, Jesus says:

“You blind guides, you strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.”

Now, what they’re talking about here, what Jesus is talking about, is just sort of living, advising. You have your own opinions, and you just, like, have at it. But that is a stumbling block to communication.

The next one is diverting.

10. Diverting - Pushing the other person's concern way and switching the subject. 

Example:  "I feel that my husband neglects me.” "He is a good provider and he gives generously to our church.”

What diverting is, is pushing the other person’s concern away and switching the subject.

Let me give you an example. Here’s Lisa:

“My daughter struggles with her fears, Pastor.”

Then the pastor:

“Many children are struggling with fears because of our poor political leaders. Do you know that government policies for children, blah, blah, blah?”

Now, what’s happened there? Someone came to you: “My daughter struggles with her fears.”

And there could be a lot of conversations started that way. And then, right away, a diverting tactic is to just put it into politics or put it into generalizations.

But the bottom line is, we did not listen to Lisa: “My daughter struggles with her fears.”

“What kind of fears, Lisa? Are there fears I can pray about? Should we talk more about how Lisa can get some help?”

Notice that’s staying right focused.

Titus 3:9:

“But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless.”

Now, what that verse is talking about is diversion tactics about genealogies, arguments, and, you know.

And rarely do I see Christians going this way: “My daughter is struggling with her fears,” and then, all of a sudden, “Hey, did you read your horoscope today?”

I mean, we don’t even have those kinds of diversions. But there are diversions that Christians can do that can still be diverting and an obstacle for listening and communicating.

Logical arguments.

11. Logical Argument   - Trying to convince another person by focusing on facts, without emphasis on emotional issues. 

Example:  "Don't worry about your plane flight. Commercial Plane travel is safer that walking on the sidewalk.” 

Well, here’s another one, and this one is extremely easy for those who really love to study and those who are smart. This one can be easily employed, but it is an obstacle in communication: trying to convince another person by focusing on facts without emphasis on emotional issues.

Example: “Hey, don’t worry about your plane flight. Commercial plane travel is safer than walking on the sidewalk.”

Now, here’s an example where the facts are that it is true that walking on a sidewalk is less safe than a commercial plane travel. But when somebody is communicating something, and we right away trump them with some fact or some logical argument, what we’re doing is we’re throwing an obstacle in there. We’re not listening. We’re not connecting.

1 Corinthians 8:1b:

“Now we know that we all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.”

The more we know, the more humble we need to ask Christ to make us, and to not, you know, utilize our knowledge, our argumentation, our logic to try to push away communication.

You know, and logic is that way. You know, when you’re really smart, you see the flaw in something quickly, and in your mind you can quickly say, “Now, come on. Plane travel is safe. You know, this is an unfounded fear.”

But what you’ve just done is you’ve thrown an obstacle in that communication.

Instead, it might be, “You know what? Let me hold your hand. Let me pray for you.”

When someone says that they’re afraid, we don’t need to tell them how stupid they are for being afraid. They’re afraid. This is an opportunity to share compassion.

Number twelve: reassuring.

12. Reassuring  - Reassurance is a way of seeming to comfort another person while actually doing the opposite. The word comfort comes from two Latin words, con and fortis. The combination literally means "strengthened by being with.” Reassurance does not allow the comforter to really be with the other. It can be a form of emotional withdrawal. Reassurance is often used by people who like the idea of being helpful but who do not want to experience the emotional demand that goes with it.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 25). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Example: "Lots of people have flunked the exam.” "Lots of children now a days leave the faith.”

Reassuring is a way of seeming to comfort the other person while actually doing the opposite.

The word comfort comes from two Latin words: com and fortis. The combination literally means strengthening by being with.

Reassurance does not allow the comforter to really be with the other. It is a form of emotional withdrawal. Reassurance is often used by people who like the idea of being helpful but do not want to experience the emotional demands that go with it.

Here’s an example. You know, example: “Lots of people have flunked the exam. Lots of children nowadays leave the faith.”

Now, what reassuring does is basically is another form of diversion, where essentially there’s, like, some little comfort in there, but you’re not going to be with those in your life.

So, what you do instead is to sort of make a general comment that feels, you know, “I’m going to give them a little comfort by saying lots of children now leave the faith, so they don’t have to feel bad that their child left the faith.”

But in the end of the day, how it comes off is basically, “I found no encouragement here. That person was not really with me.”

It’s an obstacle, a stumbling block in communication.

You know, reassuring was what the false prophets did.

Jeremiah 8:11:

“They dress the wounds of my people as though they were not serious. ‘Peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace.”

I want to add one more thing: roadblock number 13.

Road Block 13

When people are introduced to the roadblocks, a fairly typical reaction is, "That's just what my husband has been doing all these years! Wait till I tell him about all the roadblocks he sends.” Or, "Gosh, my boss uses just about all of these barriers. The next time he does it, I'm going to point out how he's roadblocking me.” This is Roadblock Thirteen: telling other people they are sending roadblocks. Roadblock Thirteen belongs in the judgment category. If you want to improve your communication, pointing the finger of judgment at others is a poor place to begin.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 25). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

It is About YOU! 

Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 

When people are used to roadblocks, a fairly typical reaction is, “That’s just the way my husband has been doing things all these years. Wait till I tell him about the roadblocks, the obstacles that he sends.”

Or, “Oh, my boss just uses all these barriers. The next time he does it, I’m going to point them out that he’s roadblocking on me.”

This roadblock 13, telling other people they’re setting roadblocks—roadblock 13 belongs to the judgment category.

If you want to improve your communication, pointing the finger of judgment at others is a poor place to begin.

So, what do Christians do?

Well, for us, Colossians 3:23 says:

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.”

Communication is a sincere act of love. It’s something the Holy Spirit inspires in you. Loving communication is not automatic.

We can be nice to people. Many times, we’re nicer to people that are not even in our family. Many times, people who are not family members, we’re sort of like put up a facade of, you know, we’re going to be a little extra careful.

Many times, we’ll be extra careful in a work kind of environment, an HR environment, a human resources environment. Or, as a pastor, you’re a little more careful at church.

But these stumbling blocks of communication, these are a spiritual thing.

I’ve met many people over the years, and I have seen those who have grown in Christ, who have an excellent relationship with the Lord, who have a humble walk. I have seen how it’s as if these stumbling blocks dissipate like fog in the morning sun.

You know, we talked about 13 stumbling blocks here. But if you think about it, love the Lord your God and your neighbor as yourself.

As you walk in Leader Love, where the love of Christ is guiding you as a leader, these stumbling blocks leave because you look at the person you’re talking to, and you don’t look at how you’re gonna fix them, change them, critique them, judge them. You’re gonna to look at their very heart. You’re gonna look at them and see them how Jesus sees them.

Now, you won’t have a perfect sight because Jesus is our Lord and Savior, and He’s God. But you will see people as His creations. And even if they struggle in sin, you will love them.

As it says again—and never forget Galatians 6—if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual, who are godly, be gentle as you seek to restore them.

But you’re not gonna restore them by throwing obstacles in the way. It’s gonna be by getting in the trenches of love.

Be present, whoever you’re talking to.

Now, I know we’re all very busy. But even if we’re all very busy, if we can step out of our comfort zone and look at these obstacles, both in the last presentation and this presentation, and each one, put in your devotions, “Lord, help me communicate Your love in a radical, a way that’s beyond where I am today.”

I believe that when people feel in you that you really care about them in Christ, a difference in communication will be made in your life.

Let us pray.

O Lord God, help us to fully integrate this understanding in our lives, that we put no obstacles in our brothers or sisters’ way. And instead, O Holy Spirit, help us to sincerely communicate the love of Christ to everyone we meet.

In Jesus’ name, amen.