Video Transcript: Prerequisites to Coaching Part 3

Alright, Steve Elzinga back again, we're in the coaching class, where we've been looking at  prerequisites. Again, because it's client centered, so much depends on the client, the  progress, what you're going to be talking about what you're doing. All of it is trying to bring  something out of the client. So we want, we want to be sure that there's something there  other than just the client. So we've been talking about some things a little bit of review, we  want a client who has a saving relationship to Jesus. You don't you don't want someone who  see there's someone has a connection to Jesus. And what does that mean? You know, when  someone comes to Christ, we want two things. We want them to have Jesus as their Savior,  okay? He saves you from sin, the consequences of sin, saves you from a destination of hell, to heaven. But we also want Jesus as Lord, okay, a lot of people want Jesus as Savior, but they  don't want them as the Lord of their life. But we want to help someone that wants Jesus as the Lord of their life. So that when we try to get them to figure out what they need to do with  their life, they have that, that sort of guidance in there in the back of their mind that they're  trying to make Jesus the Lord of their life. They're not just following their own inclinations.  They don't just want what, what their instincts want. They want what Jesus wants. We want  we want to help someone who actually wants to be like Jesus to make him Lord of their life. So a saving connection to Jesus, we talked about receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit, exhibiting  the the fruits of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  faithfulness, gentleness, we want people to understand and know what their spiritual gift is,  the Holy Spirit gives at least one gift to every single Christian, a gift that can be used to, to  build up people around you, to build up the body of Christ. So what is that gift, so you may  have to take some time to help the client figure that out. And that makes Christian coaching  different from secular coaching, because you're concerned about their connection to God,  their connection to the Holy Spirit. And finally, finally, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit promises to, you know, show us the way. And so as as, as coaches, I'm trying to help a  client. We're not alone in this process. We rely on the Holy Spirit to show this sort of show us  the way, what are some goals that we should have, and we put those things before the Holy  Spirit. Oh, we talked about a walk with God. You want a client who is daily walking with God,  talking prayer, listening Bible, interacting with God on a daily basis, it's like any relationship,  you know, my relationship to my spouse informs my life makes a difference in my life. You  know, helps me do or not do the things that I do. relationships in your life, make a difference.  And we talked about being part of the church, the Body of Christ, to that person needs that  kind of support. The body of Christ does two things, helps spur people on whether you know,  when they need a bit of a push to go do something. And people need encouragement, hey,  you're on the right track, you're doing the right thing. We believe in you. We think that you  have gifts and abilities, we know you can do it. People need that kind of encouragement to  make changes in their lives. People are frustrated with their lives, they're frustrated, they  haven't been able to do anything about it. And they need the support of the people around  them. In order to succeed. We talked about a person engaged in the seven connections.  Seven connections are your connection to God. That's the first circle, then your connection to  your spouse, then your connection to your family connection to friends, connection to church,  connection to everything that God is doing his kingdom, and then ultimately then connection  to people who need all of that, who need a connection to God who need a walk with their their spouse, or their family and their friends, and they need the church. They're missing those  connections. So we need to be involved. You want a client who's involved with all those  connections. Alright, so this is the the new part for this session, client has to be willing to take responsibility. Okay, if you if you have someone that is so hurt, and, and so needy, that they  don't take responsibility for doing anything or trying to figure out anything, then what they  need is counseling, not coaching. Okay. So that's why it's a prerequisite, you need somebody  who's ready and willing and able to take responsibility, or the whole thing will not work.  responsibility for what? Number one, to set up appointments. Okay, this, this is sort of  counterintuitive. I always thought, you know, at least in my pastoral care work, and in my  counseling work at church, I'm, I was always the driving force. I'm always suggesting maybe  you need counseling. And then I'm suggesting, you know, when to meet, and I'm the one, you know, sending out the reminder, hey, remember, Friday, at five o'clock, we're going to meet 

the onus was always on me, I'm the counselor trying to make sure that you show up. And, you know, in part, because people don't show up, you know, people want help, but then they don't even show up. And part of it in the ministry world, is because in general, people don't pay.  Okay, you know, if I'm doing counseling in my church is just part of my work as the pastor of  the church. So I'm offering to help someone, and but they don't pay, and they don't pay, if  they don't show up, they don't pay if they do show up. And so it's in it. And because of that,  you know, you know, when I'm trying to make an appointment with someone, they never take time off from work. So now I have to meet with them at odd hours, I have to meet after hours, I have to give them evening. So that's what I was doing. I was always bending over backwards to try to help the people in my church, and I always thought, well, that's my job, you know,  that they're paying me to do these things. So I better do these things. I didn't realize that, you know, until studying all this coaching, material and so on, that, you know, I'm taking the  responsibility, that should be on the person that wants the help. And if a person doesn't want  the help enough to take responsibility, then there's nothing I can do with them anyway. And I,  as you know, I sort of learned that the hard way, I'm trying to help people who really didn't  want to be helped. They didn't want to be helped enough to take responsibility. So you need  to give responsibility to your client. You call me you try to figure this out, that you're the one  that needs to show up, not me. Take responsibility to make all the connections, the  appointments, the phone calls, the text messages, instead of me reminding you, you should  remind me, you take ownership of this process. And if you don't take ownership of this  process, then I'm not going to do it. I was you know, when I was doing it, I was always the  other way. I was like the one driving the thing. I'm the one trying to make this happen. I'm the one that you know, well, okay, let's make a new appointment. Let's put it on our calendar. No, the client is the one that should be concerned about the next meeting, not me. You have to  give them the responsibility for all these things. And that's the first thing you tell them. Look,  you're the one that has to drive this. And if you don't drive it, we're not doing it. I know there's a person I'm trying to help right now. I offered to help. I offered to mentor. But they're leaving  it in my court. I haven't said a thing in two weeks, and this person hasn't come to me. And I  don't think they will. And so I'm ready to just say well, then forget it. You have to want this.  And if you don't want it, then let's not do it. Be on time, again, is one of the things I struggled  with pastoral care and counseling. You know, we set up this time that people would always be  10-15 minutes late. So there I am. I'm sitting there waiting. And you're, you know, you're busy with your life and everything you're doing is more important than my time. And we allow  people to do it. And we're suddenly communicating that, that that, you know, they're the  helpless person who we now have to help. No, I am not here to help you. I'm here to guide  you. I'm here to help you help yourself. And if you don't want it enough, then it's not going to  happen. We need to turn the tables. The responsibility is not on me. The responsibility is on  you. And by the way, when you're trying to help somebody you're coaching someone, you are not responsible for the results either. See, you don't come up with the thing that they should  try to do the goal, you don't come up with the plan, they do. So if they come up with a goal,  and they come up with a plan, and they try it, and it totally bombed, it totally fails, whose  fault is it? It's Not Yours. The person has to take responsibility. So that's why we were not  going to give them the plan. We're not going to give them advice. See, if I give them advice,  and they go out and it fails, then who's to blame? I'm to blame. No, I'm not. I'm not giving  advice I'm not teaching here. I'm trying to help you do what you think you want to do. And  when it fails, what do you learn from it? It's not what do I learn from it? It's what you learn  from it? How do you adjust? What should you do? Should you try harder is it as an obstacle to  go over his obstacle to make a turn? What do you want to do? See, giving give the  responsibility to the person the client has to be willing to take responsibility to engage in the  process, if they're not going to, you know, you come up with a goal, okay? You know, I want to spend more time with my children. And then he comes up with a plan, I'm going to take my  kids out to eat donuts on Friday, I'm going, you know, and they come up with this plan, and  then you meet the next week. So now you're managing this plan, and they don't do it, And  you talk about that. And the, you know, the well I'm gonna do it next week, and then they  don't do it, they don't do it, they don't do it. They don't follow through, or they don't ever 

come up with anything, or they can never make a decision about what they want to do. Or  they make a decision. But the next time they change the decision, and you know, the the  wheels are spinning, but you're not going anywhere they need to engage in the process. If  they don't engage in the process, then that's not going to work. And it's not your fault. As the  coach, it's their responsibility to engage. The client has to be willing to make the process a  priority. Okay, this is a problem. Because most people are overbooked. Most people have  more things on their to do list than they could ever get done. Most people are behind with all  their priorities, and all the things that they should do, everyone feels this way, I am behind.  So now I come with a coach. And now the coach is identifying or helping me identify some of  the things that are causing trouble in my life. And all of a sudden, there's more things that I  have on my to do list. And I and I take the things that we talked about in the coaching  session, and I just add them to my ongoing to do list that I never get to. Okay, so So you  know, I'm spending all this time with the client, but he just takes all the stuff we talked about  and throws it onto his big list that he never gets to the stuff that we talk about as coach and  client, those things have to be moved to the top of the priority list. And if you're not willing to  do that, then this process is not going to work. See that's why it's a prerequisite. You know,  the client has to really want to do this. The client has to say I am it's going to involve extra  work, I don't know how I'm even going to figure it out. Maybe that's part of what we're gonna  we're going to talk about in this coaching session is how do I get my priorities and stick with  them? What do I drop? How do I figure out what to drop to make this a priority, if we don't  make this a priority, then we're just going to be talking. And again, the whole coaching thing  is about action about getting somebody to do something, to change what's going on in their  life. So the client has to be willing to make the process of a priority, the appointments. So we,  we this is what happens, you start with the coaching process, people are excited, you get  down you sit down and think about you know, they make some goals and make some plans.  And then then then the next week they come in Well they didn't have time to do it. And so  let's meet again you meet again and then the next the third time they call and say you know  really busy you know I can can we postpone this appointment? And then the next week they  call up again yeah, you know, we're gonna have to postpone it again. Because, you know, the  you know, I have this just came up and I just don't have time to do it all. You know, that's  what's going to happen in life it's going to be all the things that are going on all the things  that are causing trouble in life are going to keep continuing on and and and and guess what,  when when people make goals and they tell someone I'm going to do this, and then they  don't do it. They Don't want to meet again. Why did they want to meet with you, because  you're going to ask how it went. And they're going to say I didn't do it. And then the next  week, you're going to ask again, and they still didn't do it, who wants to hear that. So they're  going to call you and say, let's, let's just see it. Three weeks, let's have an appointment to  see, they're not taking, they're not taking responsibility for this, they have to stick with the  plan, if we're going to meet every week, we're going to meet every week. And if you don't  want to do that, then this coaching process is not going to work. action steps, clients be  willing to make the process a priority. And in in in the action steps that that the clients  themselves have to come up with, this is what the client wants to do. These are the things  that the client wants to work on this week. They have to take responsibility and be willing to  make that process of working on these things a priority. So they have to understand that up  front. You have to clear those things up front, are we going to do this? Are we going to make  this a priority? client must be willing to pay for the coach's time. Okay, this is a controversial  thing. I'm not saying always, I just from my own experience with, you know, counseling in  church, the one reason why it doesn't work very well is I think, because of this, because  people don't pay. And when people don't pay, generally, when people get things for free, they don't take it as seriously. My wife teaches piano lessons. And and she was having people pay  when you know, right after the lesson. So you know, they have a lesson, then they pay. But  what was happening is people would call up the last minute, oh, you know, it's not working  out, you know, can we just skip this week, and then we'll come next week. And then what's  the big deal. So she, she made a new rule, you pay for the month, then the next coming  month. And if you come or you don't come, you've already paid. And guess what, people don't

back out as much. Because you know, they have something, they're invested without some  kind of investment. People just don't follow through. So I don't know, you know, you know, it's  difficult in church, because I'm the pastor that people are already paying with their offering.  So it's difficult for me to say you should pay. And so it just struggles along. But certainly, if  you're trying to help people outside of the church, you have to have some kind of payment,  you know, it doesn't have to be a lot. But it has to be something it's interesting that it's not  the amount that makes people stick with it. It's something people have to have some kind of  investment. And maybe in church, what we should do is, look, you pay ahead of time. And  then I give it back to you every time you show up. So if you don't show up, you paid. And if  you do show up, you get it back, I don't know. All I'm saying is without this sense of  investment. Without, you know, people, you know, having to put something of themselves  into the process. People just don't follow through. And this is again, about getting people to  action, doing something and holding someone accountable. And so it's a difficult process.  Believe me, this is hard. People, people want this kind of thing in the beginning. But there's  always, at least in the beginning, there's all this sense of failure. People are enthusiastic in the big beginning, but then they slide into their old habits of procrastination, putting it off, and  then they don't want to meet with you anymore. Why? Because meeting with you illustrates  their failure. And so there's a there's a hurdle to get over. It's a responsibility hurdle. But if you can help people get past that, and paying is one of the things that might help, then people  can succeed. So these are the prerequisites. We've talked about the last few sessions. You  have to take them seriously. You might need a little bit of discussion to see where people are  at. And once you have these prerequisites, sort of taken care of, then you can move into the  actual coaching