Video Transcript: Prerequisites to Coaching Part 3

Steve Elzinga back again. We're in the coaching class, where we've been looking at prerequisites. Because it's client-centered, so much depends on the client—the progress, what you're going to be talking about, what you're doing. All of it is trying to bring something out of the client. We want to be sure that there's something there other than just the client.

We've been talking about some things. A little bit of review: we want a client who has a saving relationship to Jesus. You don't want someone who just has a vague connection to Jesus. When someone comes to Christ, we want two things. We want them to have Jesus as their Savior—He saves you from sin, the consequences of sin, saves you from a destination of hell to heaven. But we also want Jesus as Lord. A lot of people want Jesus as Savior, but they don't want Him as the Lord of their life.

We want to help someone who wants Jesus as the Lord of their life. When we try to get them to figure out what they need to do with their life, they have that guidance in the back of their mind—that they're trying to make Jesus the Lord of their life. They're not just following their own inclinations. They don't just want what their instincts want. They want what Jesus wants. We want to help someone who actually wants to be like Jesus, to make Him Lord of their life.

So: a saving connection to Jesus.

We talked about receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit, exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness. We want people to understand and know what their spiritual gift is. The Holy Spirit gives at least one gift to every single Christian—a gift that can be used to build up people around you, to build up the body of Christ. So what is that gift? You may have to take some time to help the client figure that out.

That makes Christian coaching different from secular coaching, because you're concerned about their connection to God, their connection to the Holy Spirit.

Finally, the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit promises to show us the way. As coaches, when I'm trying to help a client, we're not alone in this process. We rely on the Holy Spirit to show us the way—what are some goals we should have? And we put those things before the Holy Spirit.

We talked about a walk with God. You want a client who is daily walking with God—talking (prayer), listening (Bible), interacting with God on a daily basis. It's like any relationship. My relationship to my spouse informs my life, makes a difference in my life, helps me do, or not do, the things that I do. Relationships in your life make a difference.

We talked about being part of the church, the Body of Christ. That person needs that kind of support. The Body of Christ does two things: it helps spur people on when they need a bit of a push to go do something, and people need encouragement—“Hey, you're on the right track, you're doing the right thing. We believe in you. We think you have gifts and abilities. We know you can do it.” People need that kind of encouragement to make changes in their lives. People are frustrated with their lives; they're frustrated they haven't been able to do anything about it. They need the support of the people around them in order to succeed.

We talked about a person engaged in the seven connections. The seven connections are your connection to God—that's the first circle—then your connection to your spouse, then your connection to your family, connection to friends, connection to church, connection to everything God is doing (His kingdom), and then ultimately connection to people who need all of that—who need a connection to God, who need a walk with their spouse or their family and their friends, and they need the church. They're missing those connections. We need to be involved. You want a client who's involved with all those connections.

This is the new part for this session: the client has to be willing to take responsibility.

If you have someone who is so hurt and so needy that they don't take responsibility for doing anything or trying to figure out anything, then what they need is counseling, not coaching.That's why it's a prerequisite. You need somebody who is ready and willing and able to take responsibility, or the whole thing will not work.

Responsibility for what?

Number one: to set up appointments.

This is counterintuitive. In my pastoral care work and counseling work at church, I was always the driving force. I'm always suggesting counseling, suggesting when to meet, sending reminders—“Remember, Friday at five o'clock we're going to meet.” The onus was always on me. I'm the counselor trying to make sure they show up.

People often don't show up. People want help, but then they don't even show up. In the ministry world, people don't pay. If I'm doing counseling in my church, it's part of my work as pastor. They don't pay if they don't show up, and they don't pay if they do show up.Because of that, they never take time off work. I have to meet at odd hours, after hours, evenings. I was always bending over backwards to help people in my church. I thought, “That's my job.”

But studying coaching made me realize that I'm taking responsibility that should be on the person who wants the help.If a person doesn't want the help enough to take responsibility, then there's nothing I can do with them anyway.

I learned that the hard way. I was trying to help people who really didn't want to be helped. They didn't want to be helped enough to take responsibility.

You need to give responsibility to your client. “You call me. You set this up. You're the one who needs to show up, not me.” They must take responsibility for appointments, phone calls, text messages. Instead of me reminding them, they should remind me. They must own the process. If they don't, I'm not going to do it.

No—the client is the one who should be concerned about the next meeting, not me. You have to give them the responsibility for all these things. That's the first thing you tell them: “You're the one who has to drive this. If you don't drive it, we're not doing it.”

I know someone I'm trying to help right now. I offered to help. I offered to mentor. But they're leaving it in my court. I haven't said a thing in two weeks, and they haven't come to me. I don't think they will. I'm ready to say, “Forget it. You have to want this. And if you don't want it, then let's not do it.”

Be on time. This was a struggle in pastoral care and counseling. People would always be 10–15 minutes late. I'm sitting there waiting, and they're busy with their life, and everything they're doing is more important than my time. We allow people to do it. We're communicating that they're helpless and we have to help them.

No. I'm not here to help you. I'm here to guide you. I'm here to help you help yourself. And if you don't want it enough, it's not going to happen. The responsibility is not on me. It's on you.

When you're coaching someone, you're not responsible for the results either. You don't come up with the goal. You don't come up with the plan. They do. So if they come up with a goal and a plan, and they try it and it fails—whose fault is it? Not yours. They must take responsibility.

That's why we don't give them the plan. We don't give them advice. If I give advice and it fails, I'm to blame. No. I'm not giving advice. I'm helping you do what you think you want to do. And when it fails, what do you learn from it? How do you adjust? What do you want to do?

The client must engage in the process. If they don't, it's not going to work. And it's not your fault.

The client must be willing to make the process a priority.

Most people are overbooked. Most people have more on their to-do list than they can ever get done. Everyone feels behind. So now they come to a coach, and suddenly there are more things on their list. They just add them to the list they never get to.

The things we talk about in coaching must move to the top of the priority list. If they're not willing to do that, the process won't work.

That's why it's a prerequisite. The client must really want to do this. They must say, “I'm willing. It's extra work. I don't know how I'm going to figure it out.” Maybe part of coaching is figuring out priorities—what to drop, what to keep, how to make room.

If we don't make this a priority, we're just talking. Coaching is about action—getting someone to do something to change their life.

The appointments must be a priority. People start excited. They make goals and plans. Then the next week—they didn't have time. Then they postpone. Then they postpone again. Life keeps happening. And when people fail to follow through, they don't want to meet again—because meeting with you highlights their failure.

They avoid you. “Let's meet in three weeks.” They're not taking responsibility.

They must stick with the plan. If we're meeting every week, we're meeting every week. If they don't want to do that, coaching won't work.

Action steps: clients must be willing to make the process a priority. The action steps they come up with—what they want to do this week—must be a priority. They must understand that up front. “Are we going to do this? Are we going to make this a priority?”

The client must be willing to pay for the coach's time.

This is controversial. I'm not saying always. But from my experience in church counseling, one reason it doesn't work well is because people don't pay. When people get things for free, they don't take it seriously.

My wife teaches piano lessons. She used to have people pay after each lesson. But people would cancel last minute—“Can we skip this week?” No big deal. She changed the rule: you pay for the month ahead. If you come or don't come, you've already paid. Guess what? People don't back out as much. They're invested.

It's not the amount—it’s the investment.

In church, it's difficult. I'm the pastor; people already give offerings. Hard to say, “You should pay.” But outside the church, you must have some kind of payment. It doesn't have to be a lot, but it must be something.

Maybe in church: “You pay ahead, and I give it back each time you show up. If you don't show up, you paid. If you do show up, you get it back.” I don't know. But without investment, people don't follow through.

This is about action, accountability, responsibility. It's hard. People want this in the beginning, but then they slide into old habits—procrastination, avoidance. And then they don't want to meet because meeting highlights their failure.

There's a hurdle—a responsibility hurdle. But if you can help people get past that—and paying is one thing that might help—then people can succeed.

So these are the prerequisites we've talked about the last few sessions. You have to take them seriously. You might need some discussion to see where people are at. And once you have these prerequisites taken care of, then you can move into the actual coaching.