So, what I did is I went over my notes, various books, various websites, things that over the year that really helped me to become a better listener. And in this presentation, I’m going to share these practices, these insights that have really helped me, and I think will help you as well.

Remember that listening is more central in communication than even talking.

Listening More Central In Communication

If you are at all typical, listening takes up more of your waking hours than any other activity. A study of persons of varied occupational backgrounds showed that 70 percent of their waking moments were spent in communication. And of that time, writing took 9 percent, reading absorbed 16 percent, talking accounted for 30 percent, and listening occupied 45 percent. Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 30). Touchstone. Kindle Edition.

So, if you are at all typical, listening takes up more of your waking hours than any other activity. A study of persons of varied occupational backgrounds showed that 70% of their waking moments were spent in communication. And of that time, writing took 9%, reading absorbed 16%, talking accounted for 35%, and listening occupied 45%.

And even though it takes 45%, many times the listening skills are very poor in us. And in ministry, they can really hurt your ministry if your listening skills are poor.

Good Listeners Are Rare

The foundation of people skills for ministry is listening.

Unfortunately, few people are good listeners. Even at the purely informational level, researchers claim that 75 percent of oral communication is ignored, misunderstood, or quickly forgotten.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 30). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

The fact is, good listeners are rare.

The foundation of People Skills for Ministry, the foundation, is listening. It’s not talking or asserting or making your opinions known.

Unfortunately, few people are good listeners. Even at the purely informational level, researchers claim that 75% of oral communication is ignored, misunderstood, or quickly forgotten.

Listening Defined

Really hearing

Listening, on the other hand, refers to a more complex psychological procedure involving interpreting and understanding the significance of the sensory experience.  In other words, I can hear what another person is saying without really listening to him.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 32). Touchstone. Kindle Edition.

So, what is listening?

Well, listening is really hearing what is said.

“Listening, on the other hand,” Robert Bolton says, “refers to a more complex psychological procedure involving interpreting and understanding the significance of the sensory experience.”

In other words, I can hear what another person is saying without really listening to them.

So, as we develop People Smart in Ministry, we are going to become interpreters of meaning and reality.

So, here are some just principles that I have put together for you to start thinking about listening skills.

Maintain Eye Contact

Eye contact in ministry or life is very important.

It is a non-verbal people smart skill that is essential in listening.

Well, maintaining eye contact.

Eye contact in ministry or life is very important. It is a nonverbal People Smart skill that is essential to learning.

And every single book on listening talks about this, and I’ve made a special presentation on maintaining eye contact that you’re going to look at.

Ask God To Help You Understand

There is a tendency to let your mind wander when you are listening to people.

I believe prayer. Ask God to help you understand.

You know, as I’ve read through these books, one piece that’s almost always mentioned—or not missed, not mentioned, missed—is asking God to help you understand.

A lot of times, when I start listening, all of a sudden it becomes clear to me that there is a ministry moment in this listening. I am, instead of my mind going active about what I want to wander into and say next and respond, what I’ll do is I will just say a little prayer:

“Lord, silence my mind. Help me to hear what’s being said.”

The Mind Wander Habit

When someone talks are you really there? Is your mind too busy thinking up what to say as soon as someone stops talking? Are you spacing out while someone is talking? 

Effective listeners quiet their mind, will and problem solving tendencies when they are listening. 

There’s a tendency to let your mind wander when you’re listening to people. So, what I have over the years tried to do is, when my mind starts wandering, to start praying a little:

“Lord, this sister is struggling with this. Help me to hear. Help me to see. Holy Spirit, give me an insight, a word of knowledge about what is appropriate, what is actually being said, what is meant by being said, by what is being said.”

The fact is, is we all have this mind-wandering habit.

When someone talks, are you really there? Is your mind too busy thinking about what to say next as soon as someone starts talking? Are you spacing out while someone is talking?

Effective listeners—and I believe this is a prayerful pursuit—quiet their mind, will, and their problem-solving tendencies when they are listening.

So, a prayerful asking of the Lord to quiet your mind so you can hear what’s being said.

Do Not Interrupt 

Interrupting is a behavior that is taught in some homes. It is like a competition to get your word in. 

Here are some other things that I wanted to share with you, and that is: do not be an interrupter.

Interrupting is a behavior that is taught in some homes. There are some homes, for instance, where one person talks, the other person talks, the other person talks. Everybody gets to talk, and the quiet one never says a thing.

Because essentially, in their home, why even try?

People cut each other down, interrupt each other, criticize each other, passive-aggressive. They have a communication style that is sort of negative, and, you know, it’s often filled with put-downs and giving each other a hard time, or, “I’m just kidding.”

All of those things are all interrupting behaviors that tear down and break down listening.

Avoid Avoidable Distractions Or Actions 

Another principle of listening is to avoid avoidable distractions or actions.

Avoidable Distractions:

Technology

Phone or Smartphones

Now, here’s one that is just very common, and sadly enough, I have done it myself. You know, somehow or other, a conversation’s happening, and all of a sudden I start looking at my smartphone.

And I’m listening, but I’m looking at my smartphone.

Now, it’s fascinating. People today are getting lower and lower expectations because people will talk right over me looking at my smartphone and not even be offended.

But really, I mean, think about it. In every other age in my life, younger before smartphones and before today, if somebody were talking to me and all of a sudden they put up a book and started reading the book, and I said, “Aren’t you listening to me?”

And then the person said, “Yeah, I’m listening to you. I’m just reading too.”

We’d all be like, “You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re not listening to me.”

But today, we’re almost getting to the point where we have such low expectations of real listening that smartphones and phones and other things will just be distractions.

Personal "buttons” - Put aside your issues for the moment.  

Another distraction is the distraction within yourself, maybe a personal button. That is, like, somebody starts talking about something where we feel pain, so we start thinking about our pain, or we’ll start reflecting. Our mind will wander.

It’s really a distraction within ourselves, and we can avoid that. We can say, “Okay, you know, yes, I’m feeling pain about this right now, but I’m putting it aside. And, Lord, help me put that aside.”

So, avoiding avoidable distractions.

Pay Attention To What And How The Speaker Is Communicating 

Another principle that I have found over the years is: pay attention to what and how the speaker is communicating.

Listen to what is said not what you think they are saying. 

Ask Questions For Understanding  

When you do not understand what is said, ask questions for clarification. 

I always say this to myself: “Listen to what they are saying, what is said, not on what you think they are saying or what you think is said.”

I just always ask. That’s just a little phrase—I give that to you in my various ministry: “What are they saying? Not, what do I think they’re saying?”

And a lot of times, if I have that sort of, like, that detective heart, but in love and not critical and not picky, but I’m always thinking, “What is being said? What is being meant? What is being felt?”

You know, I have that inquisitive desire to understand. That is very powerful in listening.

When you ask questions—and they should not be a lot—ask for understanding. When you do not understand what is said, ask for clarification.

Now again, don’t bombard them with a machine gun of questions. But at times, you know, “I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. Could you elaborate?”

These little things that give cues for them to express more, and maybe you can understand better.

Relate The Feeling Expressed

Connect not only with the thinking, but also to the feeling.

"George, you feel sad?” 

Always relate to the feelings expressed. Connect only to what is with thinking, but also with what is a feeling.

“George, you feel sad? Can you talk about that a little bit?”

You see, you start with a question, but then one other question is really the same question, is share.

You know, one of the things you shouldn’t do is to just constantly bombard questions, where one question comes after another. But there’s this idea where you relate to the feelings that are being shared, not just the intellectual content.

Summarize 

Summarize the meaning of conversations.

You will be surprised how many times you see this is very important. 

And I’ve noticed to summarize. Summarize the meaning of conversation.

You’ll be surprised. This is, again, these are Henry’s list, Pastor Henry’s list, of things that I always have to remind myself. I need to summarize conversations.

And I’m always surprised how many times this is very important because you’ll summarize, and then the speaker will have that one more thing that they forgot to express that’s very important.

And then that’s like where the aha comes, where, “Okay, I get what you’re talking about here. Let’s pray about this. Let’s continue to encourage one another about what’s being said.”

In a lot of ways, you’re going to have your own list. That was my list of things that, as I’ve looked at various materials, that have really helped me. And you’re going to have your own list, and you’re going to keep writing a list of things that sort of prompt you to communicate better, to listen more.

You know, when Jesus was on Earth, one of the things that I see when I read the narrative of Jesus is that Jesus was a listener. He would ask respectful questions, and those respectful questions would give responses, and He would listen for what was really being said and meant by what’s being said.

He would just not be moving on. He gave people time.

If you and I are to be People Smart in Ministry, there are times we just sit down and learn the art of listening.

Now, somebody may say, “You know, all of this is great, but this sounds like this is going to take so much time. How can I get my sermon done? How can I focus on anything else?”

You know what I’m surprised? Many of these conversations are very, very short: a minute, two minutes, three minutes.

It’s not counseling. It’s about being People Smart. It’s about in that moment. It’s about sharing.

And yes, there’s going to be longer conversations where you’re going to go very, very deep at times of crisis. But in general, these listening skills are for every day.

It’s for talking to the clerk at the store. It’s for listening to parishioners. It’s for listening in families. It can be seconds.

But it’s clear about you. You care about what other people say, and you care about what they mean by what they say.

And if that’s your listening skill, if that’s your People Smart, that will be something I believe God will use in a mighty way.