Video Transcript: The Three Skill Clusters of Listening (Edited)

Today we are diving into the importance of mastering your people skills for effective ministry. We will focus on the three clusters of listening skills, drawing from Robert Bolton's influential book, "People Skills," published three decades ago. I've curated quotes from Bolton's book to provide insights that are particularly relevant for ministry.

Listening Skill Clusters

Attending Skills

• Posture of Involvement: Effective communication thrives when the listener demonstrates relaxed alertness. Proper body position and open posture signal that you are engaged.
• Body Position: Position yourself to face the speaker squarely, fostering a sense of involvement. The layout of your home or office can also affect this, so consider rearranging furniture to facilitate meaningful conversations.
• Non-Verbal Cues: Pay attention to crossed arms or legs, as these can signify defensiveness or lack of interest.
• Environment: Choose non-distracting environments for important conversations, especially those concerning sensitive topics like grief or emotional issues.
• Eye Contact: Maintain soft, occasional eye contact to express interest and willingness to listen.

Following Skills

• The Role of Questions: As a pastor, it's crucial not to monopolize the conversation with your questions. The goal is to allow the speaker to express themselves fully.
• Door Openers: These are non-coercive invitations to encourage the speaker to share more. For example, if someone says they're doing "fine," you might ask, "Just fine? Anything interesting happen today?" to encourage more sharing.

Reflecting Skills

• Paraphrasing, Reflecting Feelings, and Reflecting Meaning: These techniques help ensure that you understand the speaker correctly, while also validating their feelings and perspectives.

General Notes

• Listening is an ongoing skill that needs constant practice and refining. Consider revisiting this material every six months to reinforce these important skills.
• Research suggests that up to 85% of communication is nonverbal, emphasizing the need for genuine attending skills.

As we journey through this course, it's essential to remember that these skills, though cultivated, need to spring from genuine love and concern. Your body language will betray you if your listening isn't authentic. Thank you for joining us today, and please remember that becoming people-smart in ministry is a lifelong journey.

 

What you often do in an attempt to quickly understand someone is to throw questions at them, essentially taking over the conversation. As a pastor, it's important to exercise restraint and let the other person guide the discussion. You might be surprised at the insights you gain when you don't dominate the conversation. One common pitfall for pastors is talking too much under the guise of listening, something I've been guilty of myself.

Now let's discuss some specific communication techniques, often referred to as "following skills." One such skill is the use of "door openers," a concept extensively discussed by Robert Bolton. A door opener is a non-cohesive invitation for the other person to speak. There are times when door openers are unnecessary, as some individuals will dive right into their concerns. Other times, you may sense that someone wants to talk but needs encouragement.

So, what exactly is a door opener? Let's say someone responds vaguely to your question, "How are you doing?" A door opener could be, "Oh, you're good? How good are you feeling today?" These are subtle yet powerful cues that encourage further discussion. Many people, including pastors, mistakenly use "door closers" that stifle conversation. For example, if someone expresses sadness, responding with "We all have sad moments; you should pray more," is a door closer, not an opener.

Door openers usually consist of four elements: a description of the other person's body language, an invitation to talk, periods of silence to allow the other person to think, and attentive eye contact to show engagement.

Let's move on to another following skill: "minimal encouragers." These are brief utterances like "aha," "really," or "amazing," that signal to the speaker that you're listening without interrupting the flow of conversation. Studies have shown that a lack of minimal encouragers can result in speakers becoming disengaged.

Another important aspect of effective listening is the judicious use of questions. Instead of asking multiple questions in quick succession, which is distracting and overwhelming, aim for open-ended questions that allow the speaker to elaborate on their thoughts.

Finally, it's crucial to master the art of "attentive silence." Most listeners talk too much and end up dominating the conversation. Learning to be silently responsive allows the other person the space to express themselves, even if the silence feels uncomfortable at times.

As someone who naturally talks a lot, I understand how challenging this can be. However, employing these following skills can significantly enhance your pastoral ministry and your ability to genuinely help people.

When engaging in a conversation, I am endeavoring to learn the skill of attentive silence. Although a part of me struggles with silence, those who have truly mastered the art of listening understand that silences are fine, even comfortable. Interestingly, long before Robert Bolton's writings, the author of Ecclesiastes stated, "There's a time to keep silent and a time to speak." An effective listener can do both. Some remain silent throughout an entire conversation, turning it into a monologue. Overly excessive silence, just like its absence, can be detrimental. Being mute doesn't equate to effective listening. If taken to the extreme, it can become counterproductive. After a point, an unresponsive listener's attention wanes, their eyes glaze over, and it becomes evident they aren't truly present. Excessive silence isn't a virtue; it's a lack of response to the person in need.

Another crucial listening skill is the reflective skill. This skill involves showing the speaker that you understand their message. A primary technique within reflective listening is paraphrasing. A paraphrase captures the essence of the speaker's content, but it’s concise and in the listener's own words. For example, after a five-minute discourse on feeling disrespected by their child, a good paraphrase might be, "Susan, it seems you feel disrespected by your son and that he's straying from his faith."

Reflective listening also involves tuning into the speaker's emotions. Sometimes, people express their feelings directly. For instance, when someone says, "I feel hurt," "hurt" is the feeling word. Recognizing and mirroring those words back, like "So, you feel hurt," validates their emotions. Moreover, body language is a powerful indicator. Observing facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, and posture can offer vital insights into a person’s emotional state.

Another component of reflective listening is discerning the underlying meaning of what's said. A helpful formula by Bolton for this is: "You feel [emotion] because [reason]." For instance, "You feel hurt because you think your sister is harboring bitterness towards you." Even if your interpretation isn't entirely accurate, it shows engagement.

Finally, summarative reflections provide an overview of the main themes and feelings expressed during a conversation. This type of reflection helps the speaker gain clearer self-understanding. For instance, after a lengthy talk, you could summarize, "It sounds like you feel neglected by your husband, have tried various solutions, but nothing seems to work."

In ministry training, it's vital to develop advanced listening skills. Being "people-smart" in ministry means mastering these skills. Reflect on your strengths and areas needing improvement in listening. Seek feedback from trusted individuals about your listening abilities, such as your eye contact, reflection techniques, and overall attentiveness. In ministry, these listening skills are invaluable. May you continue to grow in your "people-smart" ministry skills.