Video Transcript: Deciding What To Do

My name is Steve Elzinga. We're in this coaching class. We looked at sort of the basic things that a coach does. We sort of did a fly-by with it. Now we're going to go into a little bit more detail.

We're going to start with the decision. We're going back to how do you get a client to actually figure out what aspect of their life they want to do, some action to make some goal, to do something to make some aspect of their life better, so we're going to be looking at different models.

Three things in review. I want to keep reviewing this with you so you get it. The three things coaches do to accomplish making things happen is to help the client figure out what they want to do. That's the decision. That's what we're going to look at. Number two, help the client figure out how to do what they want to do. That's the plan. Then finally, help the client do what they plan to do. That's management.

Over the next several sessions, we're going to be looking at how to help a client figure out what they want to do: the decision. Really, that's probably the most important thing. That's where you start.

There's three basic model categories. We're going to be looking at models of brainstorming to think different ways of things to change in a person's life. Then we'll be looking at models to help them prioritize all these different things that they brainstorm. Finally, how to make a commitment to actually come up with a plan to do something about whatever it is that they decide they want to do.

First step: brainstorm areas of action.

I mentioned several sessions back that the Seven Connections is a way to help a client think about their life and what's going on in their life. Here are some helpful thought-shapers of this model. I'm going to give you ways of thinking or ways of asking a question and thinking about a certain one of the Seven Connections, and then we'll apply these thought-shapers to the Seven Connections.

So here they are.

Helpful thought-shapers of this model:

Number one: Problem.

I want to get the client to think about a problem in a certain area, or a pain, or a question to solve. In a particular area of your life, where is there a problem? Where is there frustration? Where is there brokenness? Where is there pain and suffering in your life, in this area of your life? I'd like you to think about that. Maybe there's some action, some goal that we can come up with out of that.

The second thought-shaper is Improvement.

One way to think about things is the problem or the frustration or the pain. The other is to think about an improvement — where in my life do I want improvement? Where is there desire to go to the next level? It might not necessarily be a problem in my life; it's just that I'm stuck in a rut, and I want to get to the next level on something. Maybe a sport — I'm at this level, and I'm sort of stuck at this level. It's a great level, I've made a lot of progress, but it seems like I've plateaued. Or maybe my marriage has plateaued. Or you're looking at some aspect in your life where you want to see some growth or desire to go to the next level.

Problem or improvement is sort of on different ends of the continuum.

What we'll do is we'll try to apply them to the Seven Connections.

Remember, in the Seven Connections, we first think about our relationship to God. You know, we have this relationship to God — a talking, listening relationship to God. We sometimes call it a walk with God. That's one of the big themes here at Christian Leaders Institute.

So I'm sitting with a client. I'm trying to help him think about his life to figure out what he could come up with as a goal — something to work on, something to make a plan, and then eventually something to manage. I am giving him a way to start thinking, because your whole life is huge. All the different things that are happening in your life — often the client has no idea where to start.

We're going to introduce him to the Seven Connections model.

Number one: A problem or an improvement related to God.

I want the client to think about his or her relationship to God. You have this relationship to God — can you describe your relationship to God? Tell me something about your relationship to God. And then: are there any problems in that relationship?

Generally, what you do is you get someone just talking, whatever comes to their head about their relationship to God. “Oh, it's great. It's awesome.” Or, “I'm struggling in this.” Sometimes they think, “God isn't listening to me,” or “I'm struggling with prayer,” or “I'm struggling with this or that.”

You give them an area of their life — their relationship to God. Now I want you to think about a problem. Is there a problem? “I can't think of any problems.” Okay. Is there anything about your relationship to God where you think things could improve? “I mean, everything could improve.” Can you think of anything specific related to God where you'd like to see some improvement? Maybe it's your devotional life — it's hit or miss. Or maybe it's knowing enough about God, or understanding this aspect of God, or understanding what the purpose of prayer is, or the power of God in your life.

Number two: A problem or improvement related to your marriage.

Let's think about your marriage. Can you describe your marriage? Can you talk about your marriage? When did you meet? How did this go? What has this been like over the last years? What have been the highs, the lows? Tell me something about your marriage.

As he's talking, he may gravitate toward one of these things — the problems or the frustrations in the marriage. “Well, lately we don't seem to do anything together.” Well, why is that? You talk about these things, get him thinking about his marriage, and he may gravitate toward a specific problem.

Or it might not be a problem — it's just an area of improvement. “Is there anything about your marriage you'd like to see improved?” Probably a lot of people have a lot of things. “Yeah, we could talk more, we could spend more time together. Sometimes we fall into the same arguments. We need to learn how to resolve our conflicts. It seems like we never resolve them — we just do things and then we don't talk to each other, or we argue, then argue about the same things over and over again.”

Number three: A problem or improvement related to your family.

If you're married, you have some children. Can you tell me about your family? Let's explore the whole arena of your family. What's going on in your family? What do you like? What do you not like?

Again: is there any problem you see in your family? “Yeah, the kids don't get along,” or “We have a problem with discipline — there's a lack of consistency,” or “Our kids don't listen,” or “There's a lot of yelling going on.”

They may identify a specific problem. As a coach, you write these things down. These are the things the client is thinking about. It doesn't mean that's the thing you're going to work on — remember, this is the brainstorm time.

Number four: A problem or improvement related to your friends.

Tell me about your friends. Do you have a best friend? What are your friends like? Why are they your friends? Describe your friendship circle.

Some people don't have any friends. “Do you have a best friend?” “No.” That's true for a lot of men — they just don't have close friends. They don't have someone to share with. Is that a problem? Or is that an area you'd like to see improved?

Or maybe you have friendships, but there's politics in the friendships. There's not the trust that should be there. You're not as close. Or you have friends in different arenas of your life.

Number five: A problem or improvement related to your church.

“What’s your church life like?”

“Well, I don't go to any church.”

“Well, why not? What's the problem with church?”

Or: “I'm in a church, but I don't see my role. I don't know what my gift is. I'm having a hard time finding my place.”

Number six: A problem or improvement related to the Kingdom.

Your connection to what God is doing beyond your church.

Number seven: A problem or improvement related to your world.

In the Seven Connections paradigm, “world” means the part of the world not connected to Christ. Is there a problem in your witness? Maybe you don't like your witness. Maybe you don't know how to witness. Maybe you don't see any success in your witnessing. Or maybe you'd like to see improvement.

My point is: we're trying to help a client start to think about certain areas of their life that might need improvement, or certain areas that are causing pain or problems. What area of your life is giving you the most frustration right now? Maybe that is the thing we are going to work on.

Once you have identified the problem — a problem in your relationship to God, or an area you'd like to see improved — once you can identify that, you haven't picked anything yet. We're still thinking and exploring possibilities. We're in the brainstorm session.

Once we've identified a problem or something we'd like to see improved, the next thing is to go over that same ground and attach action-oriented goals to that thing.

So: “I have a problem — my devotional life is hit or miss. Lately it's been more miss than hit.”
What kind of action goal can I come up with that addresses this problem?

As a coach, you let the client figure that out. You don't tell them. You don't swoop in with solutions. You ask: “What do you think it's going to take to make you more consistent in your devotions?”

If he doesn't know, you keep him thinking. You force him to own the problem.

And so on through marriage, family, friends, church, kingdom, world — each with action-oriented goals.

If the problem was something in marriage or an improvement in marriage, you ask:

What action-oriented goal related to your marriage can you come up with?

What can you do about this? What small thing, big thing, whatever — what can you do to try to solve this problem? What are some of the solutions that you have?

Number three: Action-oriented goal related to your family.

If there's a problem in the family or something that needs improvement, what are we going to do to change that? What ideas do you have?

Number four: Action-oriented goal related to your friends.

Action-oriented goal related to your church.

Action-oriented goal related to the kingdom.

Action-oriented goal related to your world.

Okay, so you get what we're doing here. We're applying the Seven Connections model. This model we’re giving to our client and saying: these things will help you start to think about your life in two areas — problems (things that are frustrating, things that are hurting you) and improvements (things where you want to go to the next level).

Let’s look at this area: God.

Let’s look at your marriage.

Let’s look at your family.

Let’s look at your friends.

Let’s look at your church.

Let’s look at the kingdom.

Let’s look at the world.

Look at these various aspects of the Seven Connections. Is this helpful to start thinking about things that you could possibly do differently than you're doing now?

That’s all you're doing. We're just in the brainstorming — trying to figure out a thing, a goal that we could come up with, that we could finally decide on. We're not prioritizing yet. We're just brainstorming.

All right, we'll see you again in the next session.