Video Transcript: The Decision Part 3

Again, my name is Steve Elzinga, and we're in the coaching class. I hope it's going well for you. As you're going through this class, when you hear things, you should really try them out. We learn best when we hear, and then we do. If you just hear a bunch of things, your mind really doesn't process those things.

You probably can't remember a single thing that I said in the last session. I mean, I can hardly remember what I said in the last session. It's when you do something — when you go to a computer program and you're first learning it, you click here, then you do this, then you do that. At first, it's really hard work. But as you keep doing it over and over again, it just seems natural, it seems logical, your fingers know exactly what to do. And it's because of practice — you've done it.

You have to put these things into practice. You can do that anywhere. Even as a parent, you can hear something and just try out one little question in your life. I think last time we talked about certain areas of your life, like hobbies or your work. Next time you see someone, ask them, “Hey, tell me about your work. Are there any frustrations or problems at work that you're experiencing right now?” Or the other question: “Do you see any areas in your life where you'd like to go to the next level? Like, what sport do you play? And have you ever thought about what it would take to get to the next level?” Then let them talk.

I think what you'll learn is that people really enjoy those kinds of questions. You end up helping people think about things that they never stop to reflect on. But when you enable them to do that, they enjoy it, and they think about things that they haven't had the time to think about. It'll be fun for them.

When you hear something, right away put it into practice. Because what will happen is, instead of just hearing it and trying to file it into “here's all the stuff that I learned in this course,” you will have the experience of talking to your friend Bob. What Bob said — you know, Bob went on and on about his baseball thing, and because you asked him the question, he's now going to do this new thing. And that will stick with you. An experience, a person — those kinds of things will stick with you, whereas a concept… we just, as human beings, have a hard time holding on to concepts.

And that's the problem sometimes with education. Education sort of fills your head with one PowerPoint slide after another — one concept, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 — and a day later, you can't remember what number three was. But you remember experiences. You remember people. You remember an event that happened. So please put these things into practice as you go.

We’re still in the decision part — trying to help someone figure out what area of life they want to make a decision about, coming up with a goal, something that moves them toward fixing something or going to the next level with something.

Summary again: three things coaches do to accomplish the whole business of coaching:

1. Help the client figure out what they want to do.

2. Help the client figure out how to do what they want to do — the plan.

3. Help the client do what they plan to do — management.

We're helping the client figure out what they want to do — to make a decision about what they want to do. The three basic model categories are brainstorm, prioritize, and commitment. And we're still in the brainstorm area.

So we're brainstorming areas of action — brainstorming the problems, the frustrations, the opportunities, the need for some kind of improvement. This is where your life is. This is where you want to be. There's a gap between these two — and what shall we do to get to where you want to go?

Needs vs. Wants Model

I want to introduce you to the needs versus wants model.

Needs are the greatest motivators. If you can tap into a need, then you have a built-in motivation. For example, the need to eat and drink — we have this need. If we go a whole day without it, it will be the only thing we can think about, and we will be motivated. We will be motivated to do almost anything to have that need met.

Let me tell you a little story.

There’s a story of a monk trying to help his disciple. They go on a hiking trail and get to a river. The monk leads his disciple into the stream. The disciple thinks some ceremony is about to take place. The monk says, “I'm going to dunk your head under the water.” He dunks him like a baptism and holds his head under.

At first the disciple thinks, “Wow, this is an honor.” Ten seconds go by. Twenty seconds. Thirty. Forty. Fifty. Now he’s running out of air. He starts to push up, but the monk pushes him back down. Finally the monk lets him up. The disciple gasps for air.

The monk says:

“A minute ago, you had a need for air, but you didn’t think anything of it. But in one minute of withholding air from you, it became the only thing you could think about. That’s the power of need.”

Need motivates like nothing else.

In this model of needs versus wants, if you want to help your client actually figure out something to do, if he can figure out a need, you're probably going to get a client who will actually do something. So it's a good place to start.

Simply ask:

“What are some of the greatest needs that you have in your life right now?”

Within a few minutes, people will segue to their needs.

Maybe it's a need in their family.

Maybe it's a health concern.

Maybe it's a need for purpose.

Needs are powerful.

Wants

Wants are different. Wants are things we desire because:

• Other people have them

• Culture pressures us

• They make us feel good temporarily

Shoes, phones, gadgets — wants clutter our lives. They motivate, but not for long.

So you help your client think about:

• What are your wants?

• Are these wants cluttering your life?

• Do they help with your needs, or distract from them?

Action-Oriented Goals from Needs and Wants

Once needs are identified, you ask:

“What action-oriented goal could address this need?”

Example:
“I need a greater sense of purpose.”

Okay — what can you do about that?

Maybe that’s why they’re at CLI. Maybe that’s why they’re studying ministry. Maybe that’s why they’re searching.

Once the need is named, motivation increases.

Then you ask:

“What are your wants right now? And what goals relate to those wants?”

Obligation and Commitment Model

Another model: obligations and commitments.

Obligations are things you're stuck with — spouse, family, work, promises, responsibilities.

Example:
Steve’s wife wants order in the home. Steve likes chaos. But he has obligations — partnership, promises, family.

Obligations pile up.

Ten “number one priorities.”

Everything weighs you down.

Most people fail randomly because they never stop to sort their obligations.

As a coach, you help them:

• List obligations

• Evaluate them

• Decide what can be delayed

• Decide what must be done

• Create action-oriented goals related to obligations

Commitments are similar — things you said you would do.

Example:
A sermon due Sunday.

A camping trip tonight.

A Bible project.

A children’s book.

A tournament.

Family coming home.

Life becomes overwhelming unless you take charge.

As a coach, you help the client take charge.

All right, that's all we have for this session. In the next session, we're going to continue. I'm trying to give you these different models that can help you help a client think about the areas of their life — frustrations, opportunities, problems, commitments, obligations — all these different things that will help them figure out how to actually take charge of their life.