Video Transcript: The Decision Part 3

All right, again, my name is Steve Elzinga. And we're in the coaching class. Again, I hope it's  going well for you. As you're going through this class, when you hear things, you should really try them out. We learn best when we hear, and then we do. If you just hear a bunch of things,  your mind really doesn't process those things. You probably can't remember a single thing  that I said in the last session. I mean, I can hardly remember, what I said in the last session  it's when you do something, I mean, when you go to a computer program, and you're first  learning it, you click here, then you do this, then you do that. At first, it's really hard work. But as you keep doing it over and over again, it just seems natural, it seems logical, your fingers  know exactly what to do. And it's because of practice, you've done it. So you have to put  these things into practice. And you can do that anywhere, even as a parent you can you hear  something, you can just try out a one little question. In your life. I think last time, we talked  about certain areas of your life, like hobbies or your work. Next time you see someone asked  him, hey, you know, tell me about your work? Are there any frustrations or problems at work?  Or that you're experiencing right now? Or the other question? Do you see any areas in your  life? Where you'd like to go to the next level? Like, like, what sport do you play? And have you ever thought about going what it would take to get to the next level, and then let them talk?  See, I think what you'll learn is that people really enjoy those kinds of questions, you end up  helping people think about things that they never stopped to reflect on. But when you enable  them to do that, they they enjoy it, and they they think about things that they haven't had  the time to think about. And it'll be fun for them. So when you hear something right away, put it into practice, because what will happen is, you know, instead of just hearing it and trying to  file it into, you know, here's all the stuff that I learned in this course, you will have the  experience of talking to your friend, Bob. And then when the what Bob said You know, Bob  went on and on about his baseball thing, and, and because you asked him the question, he's  now going to do this new thing. And that will stick with you and experience a person, those  kinds of things will stick with you whereas a concept. And I we just as human beings have a  hard time just holding on to concepts. And that's the problem sometimes with education.  Education sort of fills your head with one PowerPoint slide after another one concept 1, 2, 3,  4, 5. And a day later, you can't remember what number three was. But you remember  experiences you remember people, you remember an event that happened? So please put  these things into practice as you go. So we're still in the decision part, trying to help someone figure out what area of life they want to make a decision about coming up with a goal.  Something that that moves them towards fixing something or going to the next level was  something. So summary again, three things coaches do to accomplish the whole business of  coaching, number one, you help the client figure out what they want to do. Okay, what do you want to do do about the problems in your life? What do you what do you just want to do?  Okay, not just things you have to do. But what do you want to do? Number two, help the  client figure out how to do what they want to do, which is a plan coming up with a plan, and  goals, often many steps. How do you do this? Number three, help a client do what they plan  to do. And that's managing, managing a plan that they've already come up with. So we're in  helping the client figure out what they want to do to make a decision about what they want to do. The three basic model categories are brainstorm, prioritize, and commitment. And we're  still in the brainstorm area. So we're brainstorming areas of action, brainstorming, the  problems, the frustrations, the opportunities, the need for some kind of improvement. This is  where your life is. This is where you want to be. There's a gap between these two and what  shall we do to get to be where you want to go? Alright, I want to introduce you to the needs  versus wants, model needs versus wants, I mentioned them in an earlier session needs are  the greatest motivators. If you can tap into a need, then then you have a built in motivation,  for example, the need to, to eat and drink, we have this need. So if we go a whole day without it, it will be the only thing that we can think about and we will be motivated, we will be  motivated to do almost anything to have that need. Met. Let me tell you a little story, there's  a story of a monk kind of person trying to help his disciple, and they go on this hiking trail.  And they get to this river and monk whose trying to disciple is his, his follower sort of leads  his disciple into this stream. And the disciple gets the feeling like some, you know,  ceremonies about to take place, some important ceremony, some learning thing. So, you 

know, he's kind of excited. So the monk says, Okay, well, I'm going to do is I'm going to dunk  your head under the water. And so the monk takes his disciple, and he dunks his head, like  baptism, dunks his head under the water. And he holds his head under the water. And the  disciple is like, under, they're going, Wow, this is an honor. I wonder what all this means. And  he's sitting there with, with, with his mentors hand down his head and holding him under  water they go, Oh, I wonder what this is going to do what this is going to mean? You know, 10  seconds goes by then 20 seconds goes by, and the disciples thinking underwater, you know, I  wonder what they I wonder if this is like a test? Or, or, you know, the longer I'm under here,  the better is this a greater honor. You know, I wonder what this means. But then another 10  seconds goes by 20 seconds, 30 seconds, 40 seconds, 50 seconds goes by. And then this guy  is running out of air. And he's thinking how long is this going to be? Is he trying to kill me. And then another 10 seconds goes by, and he's like, he starts to push up, maybe he's waiting for  me to you know, do something about this. So he starts raising his head. But as He's raising his head, his mentor starts pushing his head down. And it's like, and now it's like his battle. This is this, this guy's trying to kill me. And, you know, and all of a sudden, finally is the mentor lets  him up. And he comes up out of the water, and he's spreading his gasping for air go what's  going on. And it's done. The mentor says to him, you know, a minute ago, you you had a need for air. And but you didn't think anything of it. It's every couple of seconds you take in air, and then you exhale air, you take it in, and you don't think anything of it. But in one minute, one  minute of withholding air from you just one minute, it's the only thing that you could think  about. It was the greatest need in your life, you weren't thinking about world hunger, you  weren't thinking about, you know, if we could only have a world that lives in peace, you  weren't thinking about, you know, you know, the problem that you had with someone this  morning, this is the only thing that you could think about. That's the power of need. Need  motivates like nothing else. So in this model of needs versus wants, you know, if you want to  help your client actually figure out something to do. If he could figure out a need, you're  probably going to get a client is actually going to do something. So it's a good place to start.  So simply ask, what are some of the greatest needs that you have in your life right now? I  know it's a big, broad, general question. But within a few minutes, people will sort of segue to  their needs. Maybe it's a need in their family. Maybe it's a health concern that they have, you  know, the doctor said, If you don't start losing weight, you can have a heart attack. And, you  know, he's been staying up at night thinking about it. That's a need. That that, you know, a lot of times when it's a problem is so we have this. We have two things going against each other,  we have a need. That gets us really motivated, but a problem, which we want to avoid, then  that's true for a lot of people with their health. They have a need to be healthy. And when  they hear that there's a problem with their health. They want that fix, but on the other hand,  they don't want to think about it. And so they put off going to the doctors, they put off doing  anything about a problem that they See, so you have these two working sort of against one  another. So as a coach, you're helping them break that cycle, that dilemma that that the thing that stops action, what is your need right now in the area of health, in the area of your family, in the area of work in the area of your future in the area of your relationship to God and you  know, all the other areas of your life, what is a genuine need that you have, that is not now  being met. And if you could identify that, maybe some good things can happen. Wants, okay  there's needs there's wants. A lot of times we confuse the two, One is something that you  really need? The other is just something that you want? And why do we want things, a lot of  times we want things because other people have them? You know, people in my  neighborhood have a green lawn now all of a sudden, I want a green lawn, when maybe I  wouldn't care otherwise. If people get new shoes, so again, I think in our western cultures, we  have, we have this thing for shoes. I mean, we can only wear two pairs, or two shoes at a  time, we have only two feet. But often people have 6, 7, 8, 10 pairs of shoes. My my niece, I  saw her closet the other day, she has like 50 pairs of shoes. You know, why would you need  50 pairs of shoes? Well, because people you know, you meet someone and all of a sudden  they're wearing a different pair of shoes and you look and you say, I see those are new shoes, and boom, it's on your mind. And it's somehow cool. It's it's somehow makes us feel better.  And so all of a sudden, now we want that or someone has an Apple Watch, now we want an 

Apple Watch, or they have an iPhone or they have some other kind of a big phone. And you  know, it's a great screen. And not we need to have that thing too. We didn't need it before.  But now I do. Even the phone culture of today, in 50 years ago, people didn't have phones  

that you could walk around with the phone was attached to a wall wire. You know, if you're a  younger person, you can hardly imagine that kind of world. But now people they think they  need it. And they need a fancy one and they need an expensive one. So there's all these  things that we think we need, but they're really wants, and we want them because everyone  else wants them. And so we end up cluttering our lives with all these things that we want. So  there's needs, those are the strongest motivators. And then there's wants are motivators, but  they don't last that long. So what are your wants? And let's reflect on that. Maybe you're  being bombarded with all your wants, and really you have to concentrate on your needs. So  you're helping your clients think about the difference between those two. Now in the world of  your needs and your wants, what can you do about these situations? So what are your needs  right now? Talking about needs, and then come up with an action oriented goal related to your needs. Okay, this is what you need. And obviously, if there's a problem, you're not getting  what you need, what is it that you could do that would solve this problem? I need a greater  sense of purpose. A lot of people are struggling with their sense of purpose, what am I doing?  I'm just, I'm in a rut. I'm working. I have all these habits, I have those obligations and all these things that I'm doing. But what I need is a sense of purpose. And I'm not that need is not  being satisfied with all the activities, and the relationships and all the things that I'm doing. I  need. So how am I going to get a greater sense of purpose? That's the problem. That's what  we had to figure out an action oriented and goal related to your needs. Maybe that's why  you're here at Christian Leaders Institute, you're taking classes because you're trying to figure out your purpose. You're learning about God and His world and ministry. And you're you're  asking the question, what is out there for me? What what is God's purpose in my life, that's a  that's a huge need is an unstated need. It's a need that many people have, and they don't  even know that it's there. So as a coach, you're giving, you know, a possible expression to  that need, and then something can be done about it. See, you know, maybe you need to get  motivated to take these classes to keep powering through watching the videos, taking the  quizzes. And if you understood what's driving your interest in the first place, it would help you it would give you more endurance. It would help you listen to one more video tonight, rather  than just going to bed because you have a need to figure out what your purpose is. And once  you've identified it, and now you can you know Okay, so I'm gonna gonna, I'm going to ramp  up my studies, because I really want to have a sense of purpose in my life. What are your  wants right now? And, and are those wants cluttering your life? Are those lot those wants? If  you if you got the things that you want, would they truly help you with your needs? Are they  going to just clutter up your life? action oriented goals related to your wants? Okay, so this is  one model that you can use to sort of help your clients think about what action oriented goals you can come up with. Okay, another model is the obligation and commitment model, what  obligations do you have? So these are things that you are now sort of stuck with, okay? I have an obligation to my wife, I married her 40 years ago, I made promises to her. Recently, she  was sort of unhappy with the general chaotic mess that we have in our home. I have so many  projects and so many unfinished things and I don't like to throw anything away, and I can live  with a certain measure of chaos. And she likes order. I mean, she likes you know, whatever  hobbies is bird watching, and she likes categorizing This bird is that then that bird is that and  it's like, I see no purpose in any of that. Organizing for the sense of organizing. I'm more  purpose driven. What, what purpose does anything have? And so I don't care about it all  organized. The end, I want to keep everything because you never know what purpose, I'm  going to need that thing for. Especially, you know, as sermons I, like, I still have my slide rule.  Probably most of you have no idea what a slide rule is. We have calculators now. But the way  you figured out calculus and all these complicated math things was with this slide thing that  had numbers on it, I still, I still have mine. From you know, from 40-50 years ago, I've never  thrown it away, why I might need that, it might be a good illustration for something. In fact, I  wish I had it right now I would show you what it is. I got a goal all the time. So you know, I  have obligations, though. And we're a partnership, I can just do the things that I want to do. I 

have to take stock. So that I need some action oriented goals related to my obligations,  obligations to my spouse obligations to my family. My oldest son is coming home from  Ecuador. Next Wednesday, my youngest son is home from Washington DC, week ago so I'm  gonna have all four sons and their wives and all the grandkids are gonna be home, I have  obligations to my family. But I have a huge pickleball tournament coming up next week, I  have this class to finish. I have a Bible that I'm working on King James Bible, and I'm putting,  making it sort of a study Bible for it's a truckers edition, trucker guy wants to use it to reach  truckers and so I've been trying to help him I going to get that done. You know, I've got all  these things I got to get done, because of obligations. And it's you know, these things are the  stressors in my life, these are the things that are that are creating trouble in my life. They're  pinching on my life, I have, you know, the children's book that I'm working on a Christmas  children's book, it just should be done, I got to get it off to the printer. So I gotta I gotta think  about the I got to put all these obligations down and sift through them right now. See, what  we tend to do with obligations is we just let them sit there. Every one of them is the number  one priority. So you have like 10 number one priorities in your life, and they just weighing you  down, instead of realistically looking at them and going, okay, there's no way in the world, I  can actually fulfill the obligations to all these things. I'm not, I'm going to be failing here. So  what we tend to do is we just fail randomly, instead of like, stopping and going, Okay, what  am I going to do about this problem? You know, I can't do all of them. So what am I going to  do? And how am I going to delay things? Which 1am I going to push off? What am I going to  say no to how am I going to fix this problem? I can't just ignore it. See, we tend to just ignore  it and let life happen. And then disasters just, you know, happen in our lives and we have no  control over and we feel run over by a truck. So you're helping your client take stock of your  life, what are all your obligations? Can you do all these obligations? Is it possible? Or what can you do about it? action oriented goals related to your obligations? The similar one is  commitments. What commitments? Do you already have things that you said you're going to  do? You know, I got a sermon this Sunday. It's Friday today, I haven't done it yet. I'm going  camping, like kids are going camping. They invited me to go tonight. I'm going camping, and  then all day tomorrow, what am I going to do this thing? I'm obligations, I have a  commitment. And I have to make this commitment. So I can just sort of go with the flow and  see what happens. And then, you know, disappoint people. Or I can stop and go, What am I  going to do? What am I going to give up? Take charge of my life, instead of life taking charge  of me. You see how these things. This is, this is where the rubber hits the road. For most  people, this is where the frustration comes. And it's because we don't, we don't take charge.  And so your client is likely one of these kinds of people. And so as a coach you're like, let's  take charge, let's look at this. Let's figure this out. I'm going to help you figure this out. You're  going to leave this room with the you know, with with the thing that you're going to do about  this problem, this problem is not going to just run over you action oriented goal related to  your commitment. Alright, so that's all we have for this session. And the next session. We're  going to continue that and we're what I'm trying to do is give you these different models that  they can they can help you help a client think about the areas of their life frustrations,  opportunities, problems, commitments, obligations, all these different things that will help  them figure out how to actually take charge of their life.