Video Transcript: The Decision Part 4

Hello again, Steve Elzinga here with the coaching class. Again, I hope you're keeping up, congratulations,  if you've gotten this far, we're almost to the halfway point. And often, that's when you get tired. I  mentioned that Nehemiah passage where they were building the wall, and they got about halfway. And  that's when they realized how hard something really is. So you might be at the fatigue part of this class,  but you're almost halfway, which means you're almost there. So keep going, I think you'll be glad you  did. So again, remember, practice, practice, practice, I'm going to be talking and giving you three  different models in this session, and when you listen to them, maybe jot some things down, and then go  try it out on anybody, you can try it on your spouse, your brother, your sister, your friend, the guy who's  walking his dog down the road, it doesn't matter. Especially a few of these, and I'm going to talk about  the president of Christian Leaders Institute, Henry Reyenga. And I asked one of these questions of  people all over the world over the last 20 years, and people that that we just met people on a bus people  on the plane and didn't matter and fascinating discussions ensued. So all right, looking again, at the  decision, part four, three things coaches do to accomplish the whole coaching thing. Number one, they  help a client figure out what they want to do. That's the decision number two, help the client figure out  how to do what they want to do. That's the plan. Number three, help the client to do do what they plan to  do. And that's management. So we're still chipping away at the first one, help the client figure out what  they want to do the decision, we're taking a lot of sessions on this, because there's really this is the  hardest one, it's hard to figure out exactly what area of life, someone should do something about what  the problem is, or need for improvement. And so just giving you a lot of different tools, a lot of different  ways that you can sort of attack this, this problem getting the client to figure out what area of their life,  they actually want to do something to come up with a goal. And then it's relatively more easy to then  figure out a plan. And then it's just about managing after that. And, you know, each one has their own  struggles and challenges. But I think figuring out what to do is is where people initially are stuck. Well,  once you get going with this, and you go over this ground a few times with a client, the client will have  plenty of things that they want to do, and they'll get the whole hang of how to figure these things out. So  help the client figure out what they want to do to make a decision, three basic model categories. We're in  the brainstorm session, right now, we were looking at all the different areas of life that a person can  figure out something to do. And then eventually we're going to get to the section where we try to  prioritize those things out of all the things that we could do, what should we do? And then finally,  making a commitment to actually do something about it. So this first step, brainstorm the areas of action.  We've been looking at different areas of life, we like the seven connections, we looked at sort of random  areas, we looked at commitments and obligations, wants and needs. But this one, we're going to look at  what I call the dream model, the dream model. The question that Pastor President Reyenga and I asked  people for the last 20 years all over the world is this one. What is your spiritual dream? I know I've  talked about it in other courses that I've done. It's just a fascinating question. And it, it really helps  people get off of a dime. I know when it when in help when Henry and I were at church planting, and we  were trying to figure out a way to evangelize we're trying to figure out how to way to engage  unchurched people about spiritual matters. And at the time, we became friends with Rich DeVos, who is  one of the co founders of the Amway Corporation, maybe you've heard of is all over the world and ways  all over the world. And its independent sellers and they, their method of trying to get people involved in  their organization was to ask the question, What is your dream? What is your dream in life? And people  often have financial dreams. And then, you know, then the Amway person was, was, well, you know,  here's a way that maybe you could make some of those dreams happen. What we thought, you know,  you know, people have financial dreams, but that's not their biggest dream. And so we started asking  people, so what is your spiritual dream? Spiritual dream. Now, sometimes we got pushback, because  we'd ask anybody random people that we meet, you know, and a lot of times people would ask, Well,  what do you mean by spiritual? That is, what a dream is, and I'm going to tell you, you know, to be a  doctor, or to get married or whatever, but when you add the word spiritual, I'm not sure what that 

means. And we'd always respond by saying, well, whatever you want it to mean. We wouldn't try to put  any of our content into it. And people generally got over it. And and they would answer the question, and  what we discovered that the word spiritual, just made them dig deep. It was like saying, What is your  biggest dream? Not just financial dreams, not little dreams, but the overall encompassing dream of your  life. And what we found when we asked that question is, is people would tell us, often they would tell us  two things, but they at least tell us one of two things, everyone really has the same answer. It was  fascinating, whether they believe in God, or they don't believe in God didn't matter when they went to  church or not go to church, where they lived in this country, we asked it all over the world, both of us  were working for the Bible League at that time, brought us all over the world. And we discovered  everyone said the same thing. This is what people said, one of their answers sort of related to the people  in their lives. They had a dream of having a good marriage or meeting the right spouse, or they had a  dream that their kids would turn out well and marry well, then they had a dream of, you know, helping  disenfranchised youth or they had a dream of, you know, they had a connection to people dream. And  then a lot of times people had a sort of connection to God or, or the spiritual force out there in universe  where we're asking one guy in Vancouver, we're looking out on the ocean, and we're just staring out of  the ocean. And I just turned to him. I didn't know who he was. I never met him before. And I just said,  Hey, so what's your spiritual dream? And the guy said, What do you mean by spiritual? And I said, Oh,  whatever you want it to mean. And then he looked out at the ocean. He said, I guess my spiritual dream  is to be one with the whales. That Okay, that's an interesting spiritual dream. How do you relate to that?  See what he was really saying, you know, because it was the west coast here in North America, a lot of  new age thinking, or, you know, I am God, You are God, the whales are God, the tree is God, we're all part  of this pantheistic world, you know, we're this one Cosmos thing, and we're all part of the thing. So he,  his goal was to like Nirvana is kind of a Buddhist idea. And so what was he really saying? His dream was  to be connected to God. You know, that's my dream, too. I have a god dream, too. I want to be connected  to God too he wants to be connected to God, I want to be connected. Now, he has a wildly different view  of God than I do. But it's the same dream. So people, when you ask this question, they're going to connect  to people. And they're going to connect to God. And I think it's really interesting because when sin came  into the world, remember what happened? There was two things that happened right away when sin  came into Adam and Eve sinned against God. And they did two things. The first of all, hid from each  other. They realize they were naked, so they had to hide behind clothes. Okay, so brokenness between  people. And the second thing they did is when God came around, they hid from God. They hid from each  other, they hid from God. Okay, what are the two things that people want? They want a connection to  people. But what are they doing? instead? They're hiding. There's brokenness, in that relationship. What  do they want? They want to connect to God or the forests or the whales, or whatever view of God they  have. But what are they doing? They're hiding from God. You see what's happening, people want these  things. But they're frustrated. They're not connecting to God. They're not connecting to the person. You  know half the divorces in the United States end in divorce. Families, you know, living without fathers  brokenness pain and suffering is what we see in the world. And then the world of people, countries  going to war, police, armies, nuclear threats, all these all of this is because there's brokenness The  people are not getting what they want. And people are not connecting to God as they would like they're  frustrated in these spiritual dreams. So it's a, it's a great question, because it brings up the problem, the  basic core problem. And so you can use this with your client, you know, I want to use the dream model.  So can I ask you a couple of questions? Sure. What, what's your spiritual dream? And they end up  thinking about it in the end up talking about their real needs, the thing they really really want in life, so  then they express what they really want. And then your next question is, are you getting what you want?  Is this dream coming true? Or is this just a dream? See, and then that can lead to action oriented  questions? Right? Here's a second version of the dream model. What is something that you've always  wanted to do? So, you know, we get bogged down with obligations and commitments and things that we 

have to do. And people are worn out from that. They're discouraged by this. You know, if you spend all of  your life doing all the things you have to do, and none of the things that you want to do, you start  wondering what is the purpose of life, and especially if the things that you're supposed to do aren't even  working. You want a great marriage, but it's not working. You want a great family, but it's not working,  you want to feel fulfilled in your role in ministry, and is nothing but frustration. Your pastor doesn't, you  know, doesn't honor the courses that you're taking here at Christian Leaders Institute, there's the your  church doesn't give you an opportunity to share and make use of what you've learned. And you're so  here you have all this learning, you're ready to go and you want to serve God. And then you know, the  very people that know you the most aren't letting you do it. So you just frustrated in this dream, and it's  hard to keep going, you know, I'm gonna keep taking a class. Why should I take this class? And I don't  know where this is going. So you see, so as a culture, you're giving voice, you're letting the client have a  voice to his frustrations about the things that they really, really want. And they're not getting them.  They're frustrated in these dreams? What is something you've always wanted to do? You know, maybe,  maybe you don't know if you'd be successful at it. But this is something that you wanted to do. We all  have those dreams. And then a lot of these dreams we've never told any about anybody about because  we're afraid that if we did tell someone our dream, they would laugh at us. You You think you can be a  pastor? You think that you can preach? You think you could plant a church? You think you could lead a  Bible study? You? You know, I wonder if that's what that's what happened to the disciples. You know,  they're they're fishermen. And then they go off and follow this rabbi and this rabbi, you know, has all  these grandiose ideas that he thinks these disciples can do? I wonder what the hometown of these  disciples thought. What you think you can be a rab, you can be a teacher, really? Simon Peter, you a  fisherman? You're not even that good at fishing? Are you gonna do this? You know. So it holds us back.  And so we put a lid on all our dreams. And it's our dreams that set us free. It's our dreams that motivate  us. You know what dreams don't always have, you don't always have to be successful. You know, the  best thing about a dream is going after it not getting it. A lot of times people go after a dream, they finally  get it. And it's like a kind of a letdown. It's the pursuing of a dream. That's that's the fun of life. But that  we but we don't even do that we don't even try. So a coach comes along and gives voice to that, hey,  what is it you always wanted to do? Let's talk about it. Maybe we can figure something out. Number  three, is another way to ask it. If you had three years to live, what would you want to accomplish? I tell  you that that question is gonna make a big difference for a lot of people. If you just set you know, in an  environment where you have an a relationship with a person and a trusting relationship, a non  judgmental a supporting relationship. Seriously, if you only had three years, the doctor said you have  three years to live, what would you do? Would you keep doing what you're doing right now? What  would you change? What would you add? What is something that you would want to do? Okay, let's  identify all those things. Maybe we shouldn't wait until you only have three years. You know, because  maybe maybe you have more than three years, but you don't have 100 years probably. A 100 years from  now all of us, every one of you that are listening to this tape unless you're listening to this tape like 50  years from now. But all those that are listening to this tape, you know, in this year will be gone. So we  only have a limited amount of time and see the this coaching question, this dream model sort of puts it  out there, what are you going to do with your dreams? Then ultimately, you know, you talk about it, you  think about things and you write things down. Ultimately, you get to well, what action oriented goal can  we come up with that relates to this? So we have all this stuff. And eventually we're going to try to, you  know, whittle it down to some goal, something that we can actually do about this. Alright, another model  is the opportunities model, what opportunities are you currently engaged in? Okay? For many of you,  you're taking these classes, that's like an opportunity. Maybe you've always wanted to go to like a Bible  school or a seminary, but you didn't have the money or you didn't have the opportunity, or you didn't  have a way to get there, or you're you right now you're trying to make a living, you're having to pay for a  family and take care of a family. And there's no way you can just take a year off and go to Bible school. So 

you're working, doing things that you're obligated to do. But this is like a new opportunity, you found  this opportunity. It's a free opportunity. It's something that you can do. You've done a few classes  already. And you learned Yes, I can actually learn and grow. Maybe you struggled as a young student  back in the day and and the setting wasn't right for you. Or maybe you weren't right for the setting. Who  knows a lot, a lot of kids struggle at school when they're young. And then when they're older. They take  to it and they succeed at it. Maybe that's you, maybe this is sort of the opportunity that you're in right  now. What opportunities are you in currently engaged in maybe it's some ministry opportunity, maybe  God has put on your heart, a certain kind of ministry, and you're, you're putting your feet into the water,  you're trying it out. So as a as a coach, I'm saying, okay, client, let's think about the opportunities that  you're engaged in right now. And are the things that you want to do about that, or the things that you  want to change? Or make an improvement on? What opportunities are a possibility? These are  opportunities you're in but what, what things couldn't be on the horizon? You know, maybe you're  taking ministry classes, and maybe you're trying to figure out an opportunity for you know using what  you know, in your present church. Or maybe the possibility is you plant a church, or you'd get a few CLI  students together. And together, you would plant a church, maybe you don't have all the gifts to make it  happen. But if you combined with others, you could do something like that. Okay, so that, you know, I'm  saying this to a client, help him to think about possibilities, possibilities at your current job, possibilities  in your family possibilities, you know, about, you know, reaching out to your dream. You're helping  someone expand their mind, in most of cultures against possibilities. And oftentimes, the people that we  hang around with, they don't think about possibilities, they think about just doing what they've always  done. So then finally, you, you know, as you talk about these things, your goal is to find an action  oriented goal related to these possibilities, possibilities that you're in, and possibilities that are still out  there in the future. All right. I want to conclude this session with the most unleading model. Remember,  in some ways, as a coach, I don't want to lead my client. I don't want to put ideas in his head that weren't  there in terms of what he should do. I don't want to, like lead him in this direction, or that direction. I  just want to open up all the possibilities to my client, and have him figure out what he should do or not  do. Through through his experiences and through, you know, prayer and Bible and, you know, talking  and listening to God and being supported in his church and his family. He's the one that has to figure it  out. I don't want to, you know, I don't want to say you know, I've gotten to know you and I think you  would be gifted in this area. Okay, that's what I used to do. As a pastor and as a teacher. And as an  advisor. You know, I've met a lot of people. I've seen a lot of things. And you know, as I get to know, you,  let me suggest to you what I think you'd be happy doing. Okay, that's what we're inclined to do. Okay,  but that's not the coaching thing. And the problem with that I've seen in my own life, I think I'm so  smart, I'm going to offer to you my advice. And if you were smart, you would take take, you would take  what I say, at face value, and you would do it if you were smart. I'm a smart person. And if you are a  smart person, you would follow my lead, you would do what I say, okay? That's how I've often thought.  But what happens is people okay, they take your advice, they go out, they hit the first problem, and they  quit. Why should Why did they quit? They quit, because it wasn't their idea. It was your idea. It was your  idea for them. And they sort of believed you, because they didn't know what else to say, but they didn't  really believe you. They didn't believe you with all their heart and their soul and their mind. And that's  what it takes to succeed. You know, when I planted a church, I had no idea what I was doing. So I went to  others. And I found other successful church planters, and I found out what they had done. Okay, so that  worked for him, maybe I should use that. And then that worked for Okay, so maybe I should use that.  And that's what I did. And it sort of worked. Okay, I built a church in three years that went to 500 people.  But the church was weak. And I was wearing myself out trying to feed all these people, I thought I had to  do everything. I had a great service and great music. I'm trying to do everything to make you come next  week. And I want you to invite your friends. And so I'm going to make this the best possible thing that I  could possibly make it. Well, after three years, I was tired. And I crashed and burned and in and I took a 

trip to Florida and I was driving in my car and I had nothing but tears and I was depressed and  discouraged. And then God spoke to me. And he said, he said two words. That's all he said. And I'd never  heard God speak to me, I mean, literal words before he said these two words, or three words, I am here.  And that's all he said. That's all I got. And I thought well, again, a God, I know you're here, but that  doesn't help me. In the next couple of weeks, God, I think, you know, through people and through talking  about it revealed to me what he was talking about, I am here. And what God was saying to me is I am  here and what matters is your relationship to me. That's what matters, not your sermons, not maybe,  not how well you're managing the church, not how much the church is growing, but my relationship to  you. The second thing that matters is your relationship to your spouse and together your relationship to  me. And the third thing that matters is your relationship to your children, your four boys and your  family's relationship to me, that's what I care about. That's what I want you to do. Relationship to me,  your spouse, your family. And if you can help other individuals and couples and families do the same  thing that you're doing, and they help other people and that turns into a successful church. That's my  problem. Okay, so, you know, I went to successful churches, they're advising me to do this and advise me  to do that. And it sort of worked, but it killed me. Why? Because it wasn't mine. When God spoke to me,  this is what I want. Okay? When we went through the circumstances, and the hardships and the trials,  and the being depressed, when God spoke in the middle of all that, that's what changed my life. That  gave me a focus that I can't be moved from. I don't care if it's successful or not. I don't care if the church  grows or not. This is what I must do. I must walk with God. In my own life. I must walk with God with my  marriage. I was walking with God with my children. And I'm trying to pass that on to others. That's it.  You see, because it comes from within me you know God working in me God in my relationship to God.  See, now I have something that's strong. Something that did that. I can't just be you know, a little few  obstacles I'm gonna quit See, that's what you're trying to get your client to figure out is I'm not just  giving you advice try this try this I'm you know, I'm really smart. You should do this. I'm, I've been  successful with this. And you will be if you do the same thing as I do that. That's kind of what's going on  in our world today. All these people who have successfully if you just follow me and do what I did, then  you'll be successful. But the one thing that that successful person is not saying is the inner motivation  that's coming from within them. There's a reason why they did what they did this finally become a  success. And if I'm just doing it to be like you it's not strong enough. I have to do what fits me. So the  most unleading model, you know, if you want to get your client to think about, you know, things of their  life and to change things, you can just simply ask, What do you want to talk about? Here we are. I'm a  coach, you're, you're the one that's being coached. What do you want to talk about? And let them ramble  on. And out of that you try to find, you know, you know, the interesting thing? Well, that's interesting.  Can you tell me more about that? And that's going to lead to a need, or a problem with human beings  always gravitate towards the problem in their life or the need or something that they want changed? Or  two? Is there any action oriented goal you can think of that emerges out of what we talked about? So you  let him. I mean, this is the most? This is the best way in some ways. I don't know some clients can't  either. They just can't think when they have such a blank slate. This is like the big blank slate. What do  you want to talk about? And then out of all that we talked about? Is there anything that you want to do?  This is this is coaching at its simplest, and most coaches don't have the patience to do this. They want to  lead they want to give them more direction. Try it. You know, I've told you, you know, you listen to  something, go and try it. Try it. Try it with someone you know, today. And finally, you know, what action  oriented goal related to the above. So what do you want to talk about what action and goal is there? And,  you know, so that's the thing that we're going to think about. Alright, we'll see you again next time.