Video Transcript: The Decision Part 6

Alright, again, my name is Steve Elzinga, this is the coaching class. Keep saying this, but you have to  practice what you learn. You can listen, you can understand it, it can seem easy, but you really need to go  out and try it. In your everyday conversations, I had a staff meeting this morning at my church. And I did  some of these coaching kinds of things. There was some, you know, some issues with certain families  and marriages and so on. And my associate was meeting with them, and he was trying to help them  advise them. And I mentioned well, you can advise your, the people you're trying to help, but often when  it doesn't work, then they come back, and they blame you. And a lot of times, things don't work at first,  or you're trying to hold them accountable, and then they don't do anything. And then every time they see  you, they feel bad. And they and they end up blaming you. And so a lot of these coaching techniques  where, you know, I'm just trying to help you succeed, I'm trying to help you help yourself. So if this  doesn't work, it's not the coach's fault. If it doesn't work, it's because you didn't do it. So ultimately, I'm  just here to help you. So you have to keep practicing that because, you know, my instincts are always to  give advice, like right now I'm teaching, right, I'm telling you what to do. And that's what's normal for all  of us. We grew up in a world where we started out as children, our parents teach us we go to school, or  we get taught here at Christian Leaders Institute, you're being taught, that's the model that we've grown  up with. You don't go to a class. And the teacher says, So what do you want to what do you want to  learn? Or what do you want to do, it's up to you? No, I'm here to, you're supposed to help me. But in  coaching, you're assuming that the person ultimately is just struggling with doing what they ultimately  want to do. Or they don't really know what they ultimately want to do. They're confused by the many  options and yours, you're trying to help them just get through all the noise of life, to figure out what they  want to do. Figure out a goal, figure out a plan, and then hold them accountable to do that. So we've been  in the decision where decision part two looking at commitment, committing to some kind of goal.  Remember the three things coaches do they help a client figure out what they want to do this decision,  that's what we're still in two help clients figure out how to do what they want to do. That's the plan, help  client do what they plan to do management. So it's these three I keep, I keep bringing these with each  session, because you have to know these without thinking about it. You have to know that there's just  three words it's decision, plan, management, help the client make a decision about what they want to do,  help them come up with a plan, and then help them manage the plan, decision plan management. Okay  we're in still, number one, help clients figure out what they want to do the decision. Remember, there's  three basic model categories is brainstorm, how to figure out how to look at all areas of life to figure out  what area they need to change or do something in, then prioritize. That's what we talked about in the  last session, how do you, you know, brainstorming you have a whole list of things, a whole group of  possibilities of things you could do, but you can't do all of them. So you need to prioritize? Well, which  one should we work on first and second or third? Then finally, after you've prioritize what we should do  this one first, this one second, you need to make a commitment to actually do something about them.  That's what we're looking at, in this session. Third categories commitment to action items. And again,  the easiest way is to simply say well, okay, you know, which one of these five things do you want to do?  And they pick, I want to work on the marriage goal first. Okay, great. You want to work on the marriage  goal first? What do you want to accomplish this week? He could just say it that way, very simply. And  they could say, well, I'm going to work on this. So why do we need to think about commitment? I mean,  you ask, they say what they want to do. You say Okay, give me give me the exact thing that you want to  do for next week. And and why shouldn't we just leave it there? The problem is, is is commitment and  commitment expectations. So I want to give you some commitment models, these are models that will  help your client figure out what kind of commitment they're actually making. Because the kind of  commitment a person makes to an action goal makes a difference. So number one, this is a way of  making a commitment. I call it the toe in the water versus all in. Okay, I live on a lake, and I live in  Michigan and Michigan, we have winter snow, and the lake freezes over. And so the lake is warm in  some summer, and it's well, it's frozen in the winter. And then there's everything in between. And in this 

in the spring, the water is still very cold. And then you have a few hot days, you don't know how, how  cold the water really is. So you could just jump in. Okay, that's the all in, you just run to the end of the  dock, and you just leap in, and you have no idea how cold it's going to be until you're in the water. And I  personally I like to get in the water that way. I like to just be all in. Because if I put my toe in the water  and I test it, I go, wow, that's really cold. And now I don't really want to jump in. So they're there. So this  is an analogy. It's like, okay, the client wants to do something, but how badly does he want to do it? Do  you want to just jump in. And who knows what's going to happen are you mean, you're all in or this  week, in terms of this goal Are you just going to put your toe in, you're just going to try it out, you're just  going to test the waters to see if this is the right direction, you really want to go? See those are two  totally different commitments. And it's good for the client to know which one that he is doing when he  makes a commitment to the goal that you finally made a priority to do. Number two, there's blind faith  versus throwing mud on the wall and see what sticks. Okay, that's throwing mud on the wall is a phrase  that people use in the business world here in the US anyway. In I don't know, I don't even know where it  comes from. But the idea is you're throwing mud on some wall. And and if mud has clay in it, it will stick  to the wall. And if it doesn't, or it's too wet, it starts sliding down the wall. And I guess the goal is to have  the mud stick, but you don't know what it's going to take. You don't know what's going to work or  what's not going to work. So with this sort of view of commitment, like, Okay, I want to start working on  this thing. In my my job, but I'm not exactly sure which thing I should start with? Or what kind of  commitment I should make. Is this a big commitment? Is it all in? I don't know what it is, how passionate  Am I about? I just want to try something I want to throw mud on the wall and see if it sticks. Or I just  want to jump in. So it's very similar to the first one toe in the water versus all in. Okay limited versus  unlimited time. Can you can make a commitment to something. Okay, I'm going to try to do this with my  work. Or I'm going to say I'm going to start studying at Christian Leaders Institute. Okay, well, what kind  of commitment is that, I want to take one course and see how it goes, I want to take one lesson and see  how it goes. Or in so I'm going to give it one hour, I'm gonna give it three hours, I'm going to give it 10  hours. So when a client makes it, what happens in life is you make a commitment to something, but you  haven't really made a time commitment. So then you end up not doing it. So people do this all the time.  They're, you know, I'm going to work on finishing my Christian Leaders Institute class this week. Okay,  but the person didn't make a time commitment. So the week gets filled with all kinds of things. And they  spend one half an hour and then the next week you meet with your coach. Well, how did it go? Well, I  only got like a half a lesson done. And they're disappointed about it. And they feel like they didn't  succeed. But in part, they didn't succeed because they didn't make a commitment of time in the first  place. They didn't think okay, really, realistically, how much time can I give this thing? In this next week?  So helping your clients, you know, pick, you know, what do you want? Is it a one hour thing? Is it a two  hour things? How much of a commitment are you going to make? Number four, private versus public  commitments? Cam. The client is saying I want to do this. And now as a coach, I'm saying do you want to  make this a private commitment, you know something that only you and I know about this, or you're  going to go home and tell your wife about it, or you're going to tell your boss about it, you're going to  tell, you know, people that are involved in the area that you want to change you're going to tell them  about it so let's say their commitment is to, you know, get in shape and lose weight. Is this a private  thing? You're going to work on this this next week, but it's just between the coach and the client? Are  you going to tell someone else? So, of course, you know, telling other people helps people stick with their  commitment, but maybe that's not what they want to do. It's up to them again, you don't tell them which  is best. You leave it to them. But bringing this up, helps them again, think about what kind of  commitment they're making. Number five, committed to trying versus committed to winning. Okay, you  know, there's a lot of things in life, where I'm just gonna be trying, I'm gonna try it. Am I gonna? How  hard am I? I don't know. I'm just gonna try it and see how it goes. I'm going to try a new sport. I'm going  to try a class, am I going to finish the class? I don't know. Okay. That's one kind of commitment. And then 

another kind is I'm committed to winning. And, you know, I just just got done with a pickleball  tournament last weekend. And you're in a competitive games, you don't know what Pickleball is, you can  Google it. But you're in this competitive, I was playing singles. And the first game I got, I got destroyed.  And it's like, I, you know, I gotta figure this out. Because I was committed to winning, I'm going to win  this. I'm going to practice. So So which way is the end? That's saying that one is bad, and one is good.  Again, you're just putting the model out to the person. There's, there's just trying, and there's committed  to winning, which one of these are you sort of leaning towards with your commitment this week in  terms of an action step? Committed to making a plan of action as a first step, okay, so maybe the person  isn't ready to make a commitment to any sort of action at all. But they're committed to making a plan.  That's really the next thing that we're going to be looking at. Okay, I just want to explain a little bit about  the nature of commitments, and why it's important to get a client to make a commitment to the goals  that they come up with. Number one, commitment is a step of faith. Commitment is a step of faith. When  you commit to something you don't know how it's going to turn out. Some 40 years ago, I made a  commitment to a young girl who became my wife, I said, I do, I made a bunch of vows in front of her in  front of her family in front of my family in front of our friends in front of God in front of the church. I said  I do to something I didn't know what it would be. I'm committing to some future thing. I'm not sure how  it's going to go. Right now. We're getting along. We like each other. But I don't know how it's going to go  in the future. I don't know what challenges are going to come our way. It's a commitment. It's it is a step  of faith. I don't know how it's going to go. Number two, commitment is built on prior commitments in  the past. So it's interesting when I do pre marriage counseling people, young people want to get married,  and then they come to me and you know, I get to know them a little bit. But eventually, I usually ask  them to make a statement, then I asked him a question. And the statement is, at least in our in the United  States where I'm living, it seems like about 45% of marriages end in divorce. So these are people that  make a commitment to be together. And then they go back on it. So I asked the young couple that's  wanting to get married. I said, Okay, what makes you think that you're not part of that 45% That gets  married and then later gets a divorce? And they usually say things like, wow, you know, we just love  each other. And you know, we stay up all night talking. And we like being together. We like doing the  same things. And I always say, Well, yeah, that's what I hear all the time. Everyone that gets married  would say the same thing. That's why they want to get married. Yeah, but we work through our  problems. If we have issues and struggles. We sit down and we talk about these things. We always work  it out. This is okay. Yeah, everyone does that. Everyone that wants to get married will say the same thing.  And yet 45% of them are still wrong about that. That isn't enough to hold them together. So what makes  you think you You're not going to be part of that 45% That says one thing, but then turns out going the  other direction. And a lot of times a couple will and then say, well, I guess you can't know. I guess you  just can't know. And then I say, Well, why don't you know, 40 years ago, when I got married, I knew, I  knew that I would not be a part of that. 45%. And they said, Well, how is that possible? I said, because of  the commitment I made when I said I do. I didn't know that before. I said, I do. But I knew it afterwards.  And here's why. Because when I said I do, I base that I do, not just on how I feel today, not just on the fact  that we enjoy each other we can get along, we stay up all night talking. And when we have a problem, we  work it out. Because I don't know if that will always be true. I don't know what will change in our future.  My commitment to saying I do is based on something else, a prior commitment. My I do is before God. In  other words, I rest my I do on the I do that I made to God see, that's a stronger commitment, I have to go  back on my commitment to God to undo my commitment to you. Now, is that possible? I guess it is, but  at least I'm resting my promise on the strongest thing in my life. So in our country, at least in the past,  when you would go to court and the court in you have to go into the box, and the judge wants to know if  you're going to tell the truth. And so you had to raise your right hand, and you had to swear the truth,  tell the truth. But often you had to put your left hand on the Bible. So you got one hand on the Bible, you  got one hand raised up, and you swear to tell the truth. So help you God. So it's like we're trying to pack 

as many prior commitments into this as we could. You would think, okay, you're in a court? Are you  going to tell the truth? Well, you better tell the truth. And you don't tell the truth and you get taught you  can go to jail. But see, that's not good enough. We want to know if you're really going to tell the truth.  Well, how are we going to know if you're really going to tell the truth? Well, let's build a promise a  commitment to tell the truth based on your other commitments, stronger commitments. And that's,  that's what's going on there. So, so so. So commitment is a step of faith. But it's also a commitment that's  built on past commitments. Number three, commitment begins. So anyway, the commitment is built on a  prior commitment. That's the past commitment begins number three, with the first step, that's the  present. Okay, so you're trying to get your client moving towards commitment. And but what happens is  people make commitments, all kinds of things, and they don't follow through. So you get your client to  make a commitment, but he doesn't do anything next week you meet and say, what happened? Well, you  know, I had all these other things happen, and I didn't do anything. And after two, three weeks of that,  your client won't want to meet with you. He won't want to meet with you. Because all all you represent  to him is failure. Every time I see you, I feel bad, because I didn't do the thing that I said I would do. So  that's why you have to spend some time with this commitment thing. You want this commitment rested  on something solid. So commitment begins with the first step. Commitment continues with the next step,  which is the future. So you want to build your commitment on prior commitments. And then you want to  keep adding commitment upon the commitment upon commitment. And then the client is more likely to  succeed. Well how do you strengthen the commitment that they made? There's several ways that you  can help a client stick with what they said they want to do is, we'll get to the problem in a minute.  Number one, write it down. So if you just come up with a goal, you just have the person write it down.  What are they going to do next week? It's black and white. I haven't you have it? Next week. We just we  don't have to guess at what we're going to talk about. We just haul it up. This is what you made a  commitment to do last week, how did it go? Number two, sign it. Which is really strange. You know, I  have a commitment to, you know, a specific action oriented item. I'm going to spend five minutes of my  day asking my wife what she did. I'm going to do that every day. Okay, so I write it down. Why do I have  to sign it? I don't know. There's something about signing that says I'm really going to do it again. You're  it's it's your sort of placing your honor. I'm going to do this and it's my honor. that's at stake here.  Number three Get witnesses. Again, if it's just me to, you know, if you make a commitment to do  something, and you don't tell anybody about it, you don't tell your coach, you're just, you know, you  decide, I'm really going to work on this next week. But no one knows if you did or you didn't, you're  more likely to set it aside, and not actually do it. But if you get other people, you know, I made a  commitment to do this. You're letting other people down. It's it's peer pressure, it's positive peer  pressure. That's really what the church is, church is positive peer pressure, so that we end up doing  what we really want to do and what we said we wanted to do. Number four, find people to hold you  accountable. So not only the coach, but other people in your life might be helpful. In order for you to  stick with your commitment. Again, you can come up with all kinds of action ideas of things that the  client can do. But if they don't do it, it's all going to be an exercise of failure. And people, you know, week  after week, if they keep failing, they will quit the coaching, connection. Why dealing with commitments,  is important. The kind of commitment your client makes for a plan of actions sets an expectation for two  things out number one output, okay? The kind of commitment that a client make sets an expectations for  output, what is going to happen. And the second thing is outcome. So output, you know what energy, I'm  going to give this, the time that I'm going to give this, but also the outcomes, what are my expectations, if  I'm, if I'm going to do something, I have this thing I'm going to try, but I'm just putting my toe in the  water, or I'm just throwing a little mud on the wall to see what sticks, see, my expectations are really  low. I have low expectations, my effort, and I have low expectations of the outcome. So when you know  when low expectation or low, low results come in, because of that, I'm not hugely disappointed, because  I went in with it with lower expectations. If I go in with high expectations, then I have high expectations 

of the output that it's going to take the work that it's going to take the energy, the time, and I have high  expectations of the outcome, I want a good result from all this effort, or I will be disappointed. So if you  don't do this, what happens is people make a commitment, but that they're there. They're not sure about  the expectations. Maybe they have high expectations. But they have they have low commitment to  actually making it happen. Well, that's a recipe for failure. High expectations but low commitment to  making it happen. You're helping them think about it what what happens is most people don't think  about it. They just make this is my goal. This is I'm going to try to do this week, and they don't think  about it and they let their week determine, you know what happens in their week and the pressure and  the commitments and everything going on in their life, then they let those things dictate what they're  going to do. And then at the end of the week, they're disappointed. And it's all because they weren't sure  about their expectations and the whole thing. So helping a client, think about what's your expectation in  this. You have this goal, how much time you're going to put it how hard you're going to work at it. And  then ultimately what's going to happen. This is probably the most important why commitment is  important because of the expectations. Okay, we'll see you again next time.