Video Transcript: Managing the Plan of Action Part 2

Hello, again, Steve Elzinga here, this is the coaching class, I hope it's going well, again, I hope you're practicing the things that you're learning doesn't have to be in a coaching, a formal  coaching situation. It can be you're out with friends, you're with family, people from the  church people at work, is it's just a way of interacting with people. Generally, when we're with people, people tend to be giving ideas and thoughts to the people around them. People want  to teach people stuff people want to hear, you know, you know, I learned years ago that this  is a way to go. Or in my marriage, this is where I experienced something, we gravitate  towards wanting to help people with our thoughts. Especially when we see people struggling,  when we see someone that's struggling, our urge is to come in, and help them by informing  them. Number one, why they're struggling, what's going wrong, and what they can do about  it. We want to mentor them, we want to teach them, we want to lead them. The coaching is  not any of those things, it's is is coming alongside of someone, and trying to help them take  charge of their own life. And I think because a lot of a lot of times she that we give her advice  to people, and they listened politely, but then they go and do their own thing. The reality is,  we hear so much advice, we can't even possibly take all of it in and do it all. So people have  learned to hear advice. And then it just passes right through. And they and they don't do  anything because they don't own it. They don't own the problem. And they don't own the  solution that you're suggesting. They don't necessarily believe in it, you believe in the things  that you experience. You believe in the things that you come up with. You believe when  you've been through enough pain, you believe that maybe there might be a better way to go  and you become more willing to do it. And the coach's job is to just help someone figure that  all out. So when managing the plan of action, there's a decision to follow a goal in a certain  area of life, then we make a plan. And now you're trying to hold this person accountable to  the plan that they've come up with. Well, what kind of management is part of coaching last  time we looked at all the ways, all the things that coaching is not it's not shaming it's not  guilting, it's not directing, it's not leading it's not pushing people in a certain direction. It's not  sharing all your experience. But what is it? number one, coaching is making the client  accountable to the decision to do something about some aspects of his or her life. And the  plot plan chosen to make it happen. Well, how does one do that? That was the question I  asked last week. Here's kind of the basic accountability process. It is really sort of a feedback  loop. Number one, the week before you met with the client, and remember, the goal is always to get towards some kind of action, some action goals, some plan of action. So you always  want some plan of action before the next meeting. So you set that up, you told them, This is  what we want you to do. So I met with a couple and I was doing this coaching thing. It's not  coaching isn't necessarily divine design designed for marriage counseling. But I thought, you  know, I'm going to try it anyway. Or at least a little hybrid of it. And so I got the couple to  agree on a plan of action. And the husband. The wife was supposed to make lunches for the  husband, because the wife had been neglecting the husband and doing everything for the  Son, but nothing for the husband. And this is what's something that the husband really would  appreciate. And she was like doing it. But anyway, she agreed that was her action plan to do  that. And then he had quit smoking a long time ago. But then he fell. He started smoking  again. And then he lied about it to her and that hurt her and offended her because she came  from a family culture where someone cheated on somebody and so the whole trust thing was  involved. So his plan of action was to if he has the urge to smoke that he should call her so So we sit down, and then we meet and then as a coach, okay, so what happened? We we had  these plan of actions were the lunches made, and, you know, the whole smoking thing calling  thing, you know, how did this How did it go this past week? Okay, now I'm asking, you know,  maybe it went, Well, maybe it didn't go well, I have to try to not show disappointment if it  didn't go well, because, again, I don't want to be the judge. I'm just trying to help you do what you want to do. And maybe it's the thing you should do. And maybe it's not the thing you  should do. So I'm just the mirror through which you can finally see what's going on in your  own life. So I simply ask, Well, what happened? Number two ask for an evaluation of what  happened as the client engaged in the agreed to plan. So the question you might ask is, well,  how do you feel about what happened? So when I asked them, what happened is, well, she  made lunches for him. So that went pretty good. And then there was a problem. Then she 

stopped making them the last few days. Well, she's actually she stopped making the lunches.  When he failed to do the thing that he agreed to do. He was supposed to call her. Well, it was  just whatever. He did call her he had a bad day at work. And so he called her up. And he  wasn't calling about the smoking thing. He was just calling because he was so frustrated with  his day, he just needed to, you know, tell someone about how horrible this day was. But But,  but when she's thinking that he's calling to because he's tempted to smoke, but then she's,  but he's not saying that okay. He's telling her about his day. And she's like, well, maybe I  should try to help him say what I think he wants to say. And so she said, Are you calling  because you are tempted to be tempted to smoke. And then he got kind of angry about it,  because that isn't what you know, now he feels like someone's badgering him. And then so  he, he got kind of angry about this situation. And so, so that became our topic of discussion.  So what happened? So she says, I made these lunches. And then we had this blog, I stopped  making the lunches. He had this in, I was just trying to help him, you know, if he's calling  because he just, we just agreed about this, if there's a problem, if he's tempted, he should call me. And so here he is calling me. But he isn't saying anything about the smoking. So I'm  trying to help him. And then he gets upset. And so, you know, that's the second question. You  ask for an evaluation of what happened. Okay, there's what happened. But now, what do you  how do you think about this? So then the, they each give their perspective of what's going  on? He's feeling like, you know, I just called, I just needed to tell someone about it. And then I  feel like, you know, you know, I get jumped on and you're thinking the worst of me. You know, then she's like, you know, I'm just trying to help you out. I'm, I was concerned, this is the  agreement that we had, I thought, here you are calling, but you don't say something. And I  don't want to get into the situation we got into before where you felt, you know, you couldn't  tell me and then you ended up lying to me, and that hurt me. So you see, they both had good intentions. They wanted to do the thing that they said they were going to do. And they tried  to do the thing that they said they were going to do, but there was some miscommunication  some problems. And this is what happens. Life isn't life doesn't just flow. Things. Don't just go  the way you expected. So step one, ask them what happened. Very simple. They tell you what happened. They can say a bunch of negative things. They can be positive, it can go back and  forth. You have to stay neutral. You can't jump to one side or the other. You know, you know,  I'm tempted to when they're talking to come up with a solution. I know exactly how he felt. I  could have jumped in and said, Well, I know how he feels. He feels like you're thinking the  worst of him. And you're like nagging him if you know if he's, if he wants to smoke, he told  you and would call you and tell you. You know, he would tell you that he's tempted and he  didn't tell you so he isn't tempted take Him in His Word. He's feeling like he's being second  guessed. And she's in for her side. I didn't tell him. Well, look, she's been burned before by  you where you didn't tell the truth. So she doesn't know whether you're going to tell the truth  or you're not going to tell the truth. She thinks if I don't bring this up, if I don't ask about you  know whether you're calling because you're tempted to smoke then you'll talk for a while we'll get off the phone and then you'll smoke, and then you'll lie about it. And then I'll be even  more hurt. So instead of me telling them these things, I asked them to think about it. you  evaluate the situation. Number three, ask what they've learned about their engagement with  agreed to plan since the last meeting, can you tell me what you've learned about your plan to do whatever it is, as you engage in the activities that you carried out? Okay, so, you know,  what have you learned, so they had to talk about it for a while, they get talking back and  forth, back and forth, and back and forth, trying to understand each other. Finally, you know,  after they listened long enough, they understood that neither one wanted to push and shove  the other. Neither one was thinking the worst of the other, both were trying to do the best  thing to make the relationship work it's just that they both misunderstood the intent of the  other. Number four, ask your client if he or she wants to change the agreed to plan in any way based on what was learned in trying to carry it out. Okay, so you first ask a simple question,  what happened? Then you ask them to evaluate what happened. After evaluating now, all  these things take time, and you have to patiently you know, try to draw all these things out,  ask questions like, What do you mean by that? Can you explain more about that? anything to  get them keep talking about the situation, the more people talk about it, the more details 

come out. And the more people understand really what happened? And what's going on and  how things were understood or misunderstood. Okay, then, then finally, after you, if you  spend enough time on that, okay, now, what have you learned? Then you don't have to sum it up? You don't have to say, alright, this is what I think we've learned. See, that's, that's the  counseling thing. Let me tell you, what we have learned here together. No, you hold off, what  have you learned? What have you learned? And what would you like to change? If you'd like  to change anything? Okay. you you had a plan, you hit some bumps in the road? You've  looked at it you evaluated it is either may experience something? Now? Do you want to keep  the plan exactly the way it was last week? Or do you want to tweak it? Do you want to throw  it out? What do you want to do for next week? What would you like to change or amend in  your plan of action, because of the things you learned and trying to carry it out? Number five,  ask your client what he would like to try to carry out before next meeting. Okay, what  specifically would you like to attempt in regard to your agreed to plan of action before our  next meeting? Okay, so when this couple, you know, they evaluated, they understood that,  you know, we sort of misunderstood one another. Then I said, Okay, so for next week, how do  you want to go with the exact plan you had before where you bumped into some problems,  misunderstandings, they said, No, let's tweak it a little bit. Okay. So how do you want to tweak it? Well, there was sort of this, this ambiguity when he called, you know, he was calling just to talk. And she thought he was calling because they said he should call if he's tempted to  smoke. And so what he wanted, and he articulated it Well, is he said, it, let the onus be on  me. Let me be the one that brings up, you know, whether I'm tempted to smoke or not, you  don't have to guess when I start talking to you. That that's the reason why I called you don't  have to try to help me out. Because I don't want to tell you this is I feel embarrassed because  I am tempted to smoke, I am going to take ownership for this thing. If I call and I don't talk  about it. That means I'm not tempted to smoke. If I am tempted to smoke, I will be the one to  tell you. And she said okay, I will agree not to bring it up if you don't bring it up. So you see,  we, in the first instance, we didn't have that as part of the agreed upon plan. We didn't know  that you had to have that. So that's that's planning sort of, sort of, you know, it carries on and changes through experience. You come up with the best plan that you can at the time, but  then you go out and try to make this plan happen and then you find out what the real  problems are. And so you give your client Your client or clients have the freedom to, to adapt  and change the things that they want to do. In fact, help them expect that this is what's going to happen. You're not going to be able to figure it out all you know all ahead of time. There's  going to be a little bit of figuring out as you go along. Alright, that's enough for this time. We'll see you again next time.