Video Transcript: Asking Questions

Unit 09a Asking Questions

Welcome back again! Steve Elzinga here. This is the coaching class. And in this session I want to talk about questions. A lot of coaching is questions, and it's questions because questions put the ball in the client's lap.

Again, this whole coaching is not you directing, not you giving advice, not you teaching, not you correcting or training or mentoring. It's you trying to help the client figure out these things, help the client train themselves, help the client mentor themselves, help the client figure out where he needs help and to go get it.

The whole goal is get the client to own the thing. And by the way, what's nice about that is the success or failure is the client's. It's up to the client, it's not your problem. What your client does or doesn't do is not your problem. And whether he succeeds or whether he fails is not you; you're helping your client do the best that he or she can. And if there's failure, the client has to own all these things.

That's why it's so good to get the client to figure out what they're going to do, what they want to do, and how they want to do it. And when it fails, they're going to learn the lesson about what they decided they were going to do. If you tell them what to do and it fails, they'll just blame you. There's a lot of that that goes on in counseling and mentoring and so on. People don't change. They don't ever change because they're into the blame mode. They blame the circumstances, they blame the people, they blame the very people that are trying to help them.

Asking questions is a good way to put things into the client's lap. This is your responsibility. I'm just asking questions. You can go one way or another with the answer to these questions.

Before we get into that, according to the book Jesus Is the Question, the Bible records Jesus asking 307 questions. Jesus asked a lot of questions. He asked, “Who do men say that I am?” He asked his disciples questions. He would ask the crowd a question. Jesus often put the problem into the laps of the hearers, the people around him. Ask, don't tell.

If you're not asking a lot of questions in a session, you're probably telling and giving too much advice.

Great Coaching Questions: Helping the Client Figure Out What They Want to Do

The first job of the coach—remember, there are three things—is to help a client figure out what they want to do, to make a decision about what area they want to improve in their life, what area they want to go to the next level, what area in their life is causing trouble or problems, and they need to do something about those troubles or problems.

These first questions are possible questions in this category. There are more than these, but this is a list you might jot down or print out. As you start coaching, you might have this piece of paper there to help guide you when you go blank and can't figure out what to ask. These are all really good questions to ask.

1. What area in your life are you most interested in doing something different or new? Maybe the client is stuck in a rut. This is a good place to start because whatever the client comes up with is something he might be excited about. A lot of times we're not excited about working on the thing that we failed over and over on. So we want something new, and maybe if your client does that, he'll have some energy—then, if he succeeds, to come to the things that are harder.

2. Where in your life are you experiencing the most frustration or anger or joy or excitement or boredom or fun or disappointment or encouragement or hope? You see that I have negative ones and positive ones. Where in your life are you experiencing joy and maybe you need to keep going in that direction? Or where in your life are you disappointed? Are you frustrated? Are you angry? What emotion? What's going on in your life? You're helping your client think about those areas of their life, whether positive or negative.

3. What area in your life would you like to see some improvement? This isn't a negative thing. It's not where you're experiencing problems, but where would you like to see some improvement? Maybe you've plateaued in your marriage, your job, your friendships, your commitment to church, or what you're doing for church.

4. Where are the pressure points in your life? Expectations of others, things happening at work, too many things on your to-do list, letting important things fall off, spending too much time at work and not enough with family, or having a goal you never get to. If you could do something positive about these things, it would relieve pressure and give you a better outlook.

5. Where is life difficult right now? Clients often say, “I don't know.” Be patient. Ask about home, work, relationships. Let silence do its work. Give them time to think.

6. What do you want more of in your life? What do you want less of? Different ways of analyzing life.

7. What is your biggest energy drain—or your second biggest? Sometimes “biggest” is too intimidating, so ask for the second biggest or top two. Or ask where energy is being drained.

8. Can you name five minor annoyances that sap your energy and drag you down? Sometimes the small things reveal big things.

9. If you wanted to change some situation you find yourself in, what can you do differently? A great question for clients who are frustrated or stuck.

10. What area of your life has God been speaking to you the most about in the last six weeks? Assuming the client is walking with God, reading Scripture, praying, and supported in a church environment.

11. What would you need to change to take your personal life, work, or ministry to a whole new level? This is about opportunity, not problems.

12. What in your life are you most motivated to change? Pain or opportunity can both be motivators.

13. What is the most important thing we could talk about today in order to move you toward your goal? This forces prioritization.

Once the Client Chooses an Area: Planning Questions

After deciding the area, the next step is helping the client figure out the plan.

1. What step do you want to start with this week in order to try and reach your goals?

2. What steps would you be most excited about starting with?

3. What could you do this week that would really get you going?

4. What is one thing you could do this week that would help you become positive about the changes you want to see?

5. If you were to break down your goal into many steps, what would they be?

6. How are you going to make your desire a reality? Where will you start?

Helping the Client Follow Through

1. You said you were going to do this step before our next meeting. How did it go? What did you like? What did you not like? What did you learn? What would you like to do next?

2. If the client failed to try the steps:

• What obstacles were in the way?

• Can you remove those obstacles?

• Do you want to try again?

• Start with a different step?

• Make a new plan?

General Questions Useful Anytime

1. Could you say more about that? People love being listened to.

2. It sounds like this is really important to you. Why do you think that is?

3. What could you do that would really motivate you to make the changes you want to make?

4. If you could change something about your life/marriage/career/walk with God, what would it be?

5. If you were to pursue this goal, where would you do it? Who would help you? How would you proceed?

6. If time and money were not an object, what would you like your life or ministry to be?

7. If you knew you couldn't fail, what would you attempt?

8. If you wanted a sure win this week, what could you do?

9. If you could see your future, what would it look like?

Closing Thoughts

Most of what you're doing as a coach is asking questions. I've given you a bunch of them. They're all general questions, but whenever you figure out a good question, write it down. Have a little book where you keep all the questions. Go over them so that they're in the back of your mind, so that they're always ready to go.

In fact, when you are finished with this session, find someone in your house and ask five questions. Just see what it does to that other person. See the encouragement that you give to someone in your own household or in your own community. Just step outside and ask five questions and see what it does.

And we'll see you again next time.