Video Transcript: Being a Coach That Listens

All right. Hello, Steve Elzinga. Here again, we're in this coaching class hope it's going well for  you. I want to talk about listening, a lot of a lot of what a coach does, well, one of the things  that coach does is ask questions. And if you're going to ask questions, you have to learn how  to listen. Because what's the point of someone asking the question, if they're not going to  listen to the answer? Since coaching is client centered, a coach must listen if any coaching is  going to take place, because the client is the one who has to come up with his own solutions.  And the only way he's going to do that is by speaking, and the only way the client is going to  speak is if there's someone there listening. I got this from a coaching book, I forget which one  when you pray, who's doing most of the talking? Is God giving you a constant stream of  advice and telling you what to do? Or is he mostly listening? God is a great listener. In some  ways, God is like a coach, we go to God in prayer and God. I'm not saying God doesn't speak  to us. But we do a lot of the talking. And as God listens to us, we sometimes figure out our  own problems. A God allows us to, we can come to him in anger. There's Psalms where the  psalmist comes in, he's frustrated with God, you know, why did the wicked prosper? God, are  you listening to me, you can come to God with all your emotions. And as you do, and because we can come to God with all our emotions, we can put them all on the table. And in the  loving, caring relationship that we have with God, a lot of times, answers can come just just  by God listening to us. Listening, so what does listening do? Listening, first of all  communicates that you care. true listening comes from caring about what another person  says. So just taking the time to listen to somebody communicates that you care. One of my  parishioners. He's 82 years old, and he was, he had a chainsaw. And he, he is up in a tree  cutting a limb and he fell, and he hit his head. And with the trauma of hitting his head, he had a seizure. So I went to the hospital and met with him. And the family was there, some of the  family goes to church, some of the family doesn't, but most of what I did there at the hospital  was to listen to everybody to listen to what they had to say to how they were feeling. And just by listening in, you know, when I left, they all they thanked me. Thanks for coming, we  appreciate it so much. And really, what did I do? I didn't have all these brilliant words for  them. They already knew that God is in charge, they already knew all the things that I might  say. But by just simply listening to them, listening to their fears, listening to their hopes, I'm  giving value to what they're going through. Just being there listening, is encouragement.  Listening communicates that you believe in the person. Listening is one of the most powerful,  compelling ways to say, you are a great person, I have confidence in you, if you look at  sometimes parents in their relationship to their children, a lot of times, it's a one way street,  the parents are doing a lot of talking. And when the child talks, of course, the child talks in  simple language, and the child is describing or telling the parent, something that the parent  already knows about is seeing, you know, the parent, as a parent, I was a child once. So I  understand what you're going through. And maybe you do, but your child doesn't know that  until you listen. I mean, that's the way it is with most relationships. In a marriage relationship. Yeah, we can finish each other's sentences. We know each other so well. And so when one  spouse is complaining about something to the other, and the other has heard it before, it's  like okay, got it. Now, but that your spouse needs to say these things that they think they  want to say more, not less. So your job is to keep them talking. Listening communicates that  you believe in the person that they can do it. I don't have to solve all your problems. I don't  have to come up with a solution. I believe that you can come up with your own solution.  listening for possible deep wells. A deep well is where the water is okay. So sometimes you  dig a well, and you don't hit water until you get down 100 feet When I was years ago, back in  1979, I spent a summer in a little village in Nicaragua. And there was a lady carrying water all day long, she was about a half a mile from the wells. And she put this big bucket on top of her head. And she all day long, she was bringing water to her house, and my partner foolishly  volunteered for us to do that for her one day. So you know, in our heads, or, you know, I'm not used to carrying, you know, five gallon thing on my head, a water and the road was 100 feet  deep, we had to lift the bucket down and fill it up, and, you know, hoist this thing, 100 feet, fill up the bucket, put it on your head, walk half a mile. That was one brutal day. So my point is,  sometimes you got to go down 100 feet, to get to the water, to get to the good stuff. And  that's what listening is less than a lot of times when someone says something, it's at the 

surface. But that's not where the water is. That's not where the light is. That's not where the  change is. That's not where the emotion is, you have to listen long enough to get down to the  water. A coach hones in on the most interesting, unusual, or significant thing, the client  shares. This is called intuitive listening, ask, ask the client to go deeper in that point at that  point. So that's what a client does. You you're listening, and then your client, you know, gives  a hint that there might be water over here, that they see something that leads you in this  direction. And so you say something about your listening for the most interesting they say, or  some emotional thing that that they say. So what are you listening for your first of all,  listening for emotion. There was a little was a little anger there was there a little surprise,  there was there frustration, there was their joy, there was a disappointment there. So you  follow the emotion, wherever the emotion was. They can be telling you, you know about the  football game or thing that they went to. But then in the middle of it, there's this frustration  thing. And that's what you want to zero in on. The voice, the body language, joy, sadness,  depression, guilt, fear, the word that they use. And that's when you follow up on. Can you tell  me more about that? It sounds like you're pretty excited about this. It seems like you're a little depressed about that. Not I'm not I'm not telling you are, I'm just asking. And I'm really giving  you permission to talk more about it. We went down a level we're close to the water, let's  keep going in this direction. state of being words, I feel a state of being is my your client state of being, how am I doing? I feel unmotivated, I'm tired, I'm worn out. I'm incapable of getting  things done. I'm angry, I'm fearful, I'm stressed. This is the state of being that I am. So as  you're listening to your client talk about things. And you can just be chit chatting, and you're  still listening. This is something you can do in all your conversations. A lot of times  conversations sort of meander all over the place. You know, we start with this topic and relate  to this and we go here we go there. If you want to make a difference in the relationship in the  lives of the people you have a relationship with, you want to go deeper, you want to get to  the water, a lot of times the conversation stay on the surface, we talked about this, we talked  about that. But in the end, it doesn't make any difference. So you're looking for those little,  little wells that there might be some water down there. So you're you're listening to how they  say something where there might be a little frustration where there might be some joy where  their eyes sparkle. That's the thing you want to pursue, okay, there's something there, let's go in that direction. And you will. And then the goal is to go deeper and deeper and deeper. I  once was with with was a person that was trying to help, you know, help them figure out how  to do counseling more. And I got so frustrated because, you know, my goal with a client that  I'm meeting with is to go deeper and deeper. It's hard to get deeper. And then he would ask  you a question that would bring it right back to the surface. Oh, are you related to so and so  and it's like, oh, all of a sudden we were close to the water. And now we're back on the  surface. So be aware of getting closer to something that's more important to the client than  just, you know, talking. You listening for statements, that are out of the ordinary. I just didn't  get to what I wanted to do last week because my oldest son came home for a few days. So  you're dealing with a client. And you asked him, you know, you had they had an assignment,  something they were going to do for the next week. You meet with them the next time and  you go, Well, how did they go? How did the thing that you said you were going to do? How did it go? And they say that I just didn't get to it. I didn't get to what I wanted to do last week,  because my oldest son came home for a few weeks. Okay, now, you could talk about the  thing he didn't do. Or you could talk about this new information. What about the son that  came home? Is this a good thing is is a bad thing? And you're listening to what he's saying? Is  he frustrated about his son coming home? Is he happy about his son coming home? What's  going on there. So that's what you zero in on. Tell me more about your oldest son coming  home. He's going to confirm one way or another, whether this is a problem or whether it's not a problem. And you know, and this might be a problem behind the other problem. Number  four, you're listening for statements that are interesting. You find myself say something like  this, sometimes I wish I could just start a new career. That's interesting. You go with that.  You're talking about something else. He's talking about improving his marriage or whatever  the issue is that you finally figured out, this is what we want to do something. But all of a  sudden, he says that, like, oh, well, that's it. Let's talk about that. Note, look for statements 

that have the word interesting in it. It's kind of a clue. When someone says, This was  interesting, or I saw something interesting, or I heard something interesting. That's the thing  to pursue, because they're already telling you, they're giving you a huge clue. I'm interested  in this because it is interesting. Let's pursue this. listening for statements that require more  information. Okay, they tell you something, but you don't get it. It's like a not it's not enough  information. So I feel like I'm wasting my time, oh really? why do you feel that way? Yeah, I  don't I don't, I don't know what that means is, as the coach, I'm listening to you, and you're  telling me this? I'm not sure what that means? You need to fill that in. I would like to do  something that is important. Okay, so what's important? What's important to you? Good. I'm  going to pursue that when people start talking this way. I need more information to  understand what you're talking about. I think I need to spend more time with my wife. Okay. I  don't know what that means, either. Oh, how much time are you spending? Now? What is  more time? What are you going to do with that time? See, I don't know enough stuff from that one statement to help you figure out what you want to do. All I do is work. Okay, What work  are you doing? Why do you feel like all you do is work there. Give me the lowdown of what  your week is like, and then what do you want to do about it? I'm pursuing this phrase, this  statement that requires more information. I don't. You're saying this thing. But I, I could not  explain it to someone else what you're going through. My wife and I don't seem to be getting  getting along very well. Okay, well, what does that mean? I don't know what that means. So I  have to ask questions. Well, why do you say that? Why do you think that you're not getting  along? Well, what's the evidence for this? And now the guy starts talking about things. Now  you're getting a bigger picture. Basic listening questions. This is the number one I use this all  the time. Can you say more about that? Could you say more about that? I mean, you can use  that in any conversation that you have with anyone? Can you say more about that? And  people love this question. People want to say more about whatever they're excited, or  whatever they're talking about. I'm not sure I know what you mean. Can you explain more  about that? I don't have the full picture. Could you tell me more? And again, people are more  than willing and happy to do it. The statement, and then you you you reiterate the statement  that they made to you is very interesting. Could you elaborate, elaborate more on that?  Again, I'm just asking for you to keep talking basically, as all you're doing is I'm trying to get  you to keep talking why? Because, you know we can we can we can hang around the surface.  But if you keep talking, I'm going to eventually figure out where the water is. Where the deep  well is, and that's where we need Trying to figure out what you want to do, and how you want  to do it, and what obstacles are in the way of your life. This is the arena where I want to do  the coaching. Basic listening questions. Why? Why do you feel that way? Why do you want to  do that? Why is probably the most important question that you can ask? Because why? And  the answer to the why question is the motivation. Why do I want a good marriage? Well, it for  me to answer that gets to my motivation. Because God gave me this spouse, God created me  to be fulfilled in another person, because he has a great role for both of us together. That's  why I want a good marriage. See, once I can figure out the why, then I get really motivated  about whatever it is. So why is really the most important question. It's the motivation  question. A lot of times, you know, as pastors, we're telling people what they want them to  do. We want you to do this. We want you to do that. But we're not giving them motivation to  do it. Instead of just telling people what to do while you're explaining why we want them to do it, how, how's it done? How are you going to go about this? You have a goal of having a better  marriage. But how's this going to work? The how question is where the rubber meets the  road? He we can we can philosophize about all the things we want to do and what we want to  be, but how brings it down and says okay, so what exactly are you going to do? How is is a  great way is a great question for the plan. How are you going to achieve your goal? What are  the steps? Where? Where are you going to do this? So where? What Where are you going to  try to make this happen? In this week? You want to do devotions? Well, where are you going  to do devotions? So you don't figure out the where you probably won't do them? When can  again, you can have a goal, you know, this week, you're going to do something. But if you  don't figure out exactly when you're going to do it. Next week, you'll you will get to the next  meeting, and you won't have done it. Why? Because you never figured out when to do it. You 

do it in the morning? Are you gonna do it in your spare time? Are you how is this gonna work  in your life? And what are you going to do? You see how these questions, the basic questions,  why, how, where, when and what? Those should always be on the tip of your tongue. Okay,  why are you going to do this? Where are you going to do this? What are you going to do?  Every single week as you're trying to help manage the process of achieving these goals?  These are the questions you want to be asking. The first goal of listening is to keep the client  talking. Keep the client talking, keep the focus on the client, not the focus should not be on  you. If you're doing the talking, then you're not coaching. The second goal of listening is to  help the client go deeper into his or her needs or wants. Okay, sometimes people are at a  surface level, we want to get down to the water. The third goal of listening is to help the client decide on a course of action. Number two, to make a plan to carry out a course of action. And  number three, finally make progress carrying out a plan of the course of action. These are the  three things, the three basic things that a coach does. Okay, we'll see you again next time.