Video Transcript: Being a Coach That Listens
Hello, Steve Elzinga here again. We're in this coaching class; hope it's going well for you. I want to talk about listening. A lot of what a coach does—well, one of the things a coach does—is ask questions. And if you're going to ask questions, you have to learn how to listen. Because what's the point of someone asking the question if they're not going to listen to the answer?
Since coaching is client-centered, a coach must listen if any coaching is going to take place, because the client is the one who has to come up with his own solutions. And the only way he's going to do that is by speaking, and the only way the client is going to speak is if there's someone there listening.
I got this from a coaching book—I forget which one: When you pray, who's doing most of the talking? Is God giving you a constant stream of advice and telling you what to do, or is He mostly listening? God is a great listener. In some ways, God is like a coach. We go to God in prayer. I'm not saying God doesn't speak to us, but we do a lot of the talking. And as God listens to us, we sometimes figure out our own problems.
God allows us to come to Him in anger. There are Psalms where the psalmist comes in frustrated with God: “Why do the wicked prosper? God, are you listening to me?” You can come to God with all your emotions. And as you do, because we can come to God with all our emotions, we can put them all on the table. And in the loving, caring relationship that we have with God, a lot of times answers can come just by God listening to us.
What Listening Does
Listening, first of all, communicates that you care. True listening comes from caring about what another person says. Just taking the time to listen to somebody communicates that you care.
One of my parishioners—he’s 82 years old—had a chainsaw, and he was up in a tree cutting a limb and he fell, and he hit his head. With the trauma of hitting his head, he had a seizure. I went to the hospital and met with him. The family was there; some of the family goes to church, some doesn’t. But most of what I did there at the hospital was listen to everybody—to what they had to say, to how they were feeling.
Just by listening, when I left, they thanked me: “Thanks for coming, we appreciate it so much.” And really, what did I do? I didn’t have brilliant words for them. They already knew God is in charge. They already knew the things I might say. But by simply listening to their fears and hopes, I was giving value to what they were going through. Just being there listening is encouragement.
Listening communicates that you believe in the person. Listening is one of the most powerful ways to say, “You are a great person. I have confidence in you.”
Listening in Relationships
Parents often do a lot of talking. When the child talks, the child uses simple language and describes things the parent already knows. But the child doesn’t know the parent understands until the parent listens.
In marriage, we can finish each other’s sentences, we know each other so well. When one spouse complains and the other has heard it before, it’s easy to think, “Got it.” But your spouse needs to say these things. They want to say more, not less. Your job is to keep them talking.
Listening communicates that you believe the person can do it. You don’t have to solve all their problems. You believe they can come up with their own solution.
Listening for Deep Wells
A deep well is where the water is. Sometimes you dig a well and don’t hit water until 100 feet down.
Years ago, in 1979, I spent a summer in a little village in Nicaragua. A lady carried water all day long from a well half a mile away. She put a big bucket on her head. My partner foolishly volunteered us to do that for her one day. The well was 100 feet deep. We had to lower the bucket, fill it, hoist it up, put it on our heads, and walk half a mile. Brutal day.
Sometimes you have to go down 100 feet to get to the water—the good stuff. Listening is like that. When someone says something, it’s often surface-level. That’s not where the water is. You have to listen long enough to get down to the water.
A coach hones in on the most interesting, unusual, or significant thing the client shares. This is intuitive listening. Ask the client to go deeper at that point.
What You Listen For
Emotion. Anger, surprise, frustration, joy, disappointment. Follow the emotion.
Voice and body language. Joy, sadness, depression, guilt, fear.
State-of-being words. “I feel unmotivated.” “I’m tired.” “I’m worn out.” “I’m incapable.” “I’m angry.” “I’m stressed.”
Conversations meander. If you want to make a difference, you want to go deeper. Look for the little wells—where eyes sparkle, where frustration leaks out, where joy shows up. That’s where you go.
Be aware of not pulling the conversation back to the surface. If you’re close to the water, stay there.
Statements to Notice
1. Statements out of the ordinary. “I didn’t get to what I wanted to do because my oldest son came home.” You can talk about the missed task—or the son. That’s the deeper well.
2. Statements that are interesting. “Sometimes I wish I could start a new career.” Go with that.
3. Statements requiring more information.
“I feel like I’m wasting my time.”
“I want to do something important.”
“I think I need to spend more time with my wife.”
“All I do is work.”
“My wife and I aren’t getting along.”
These require follow-up questions to understand what they mean.
Basic Listening Questions
“Can you say more about that?”
“I’m not sure I know what you mean—can you explain more?”
“I don’t have the full picture—could you tell me more?”
“That’s interesting—could you elaborate?”
These keep the client talking. The more they talk, the closer you get to the water.
The Core Questions: Why, How, Where, When, What
Why — the motivation.
How — the plan.
Where — the place it will happen.
When — the time it will happen.
What — the specific action.
These should always be ready on your tongue.
Goals of Listening
Keep the client talking.. Keep the client talking, keep the focus on the client. The focus should not be on you. If you're doing the talking, then you're not coaching.
Help the client go deeper into needs or wants. Sometimes people are at a surface level; we want to get down to the water.
Help the client decide on a course of action, to make a plan to carry out a course of action, and finally make progress carrying out a plan of the course of action.
These are the three things, the three basic things that a coach does.
Okay, we'll see you again next time.