Video Transcript: Dealing With a Lack of Progress

Again, my name is Steve Elzinga. We're in this coaching class and I want to look in this  session at how do you deal with a lack of progress. It's not what we want, we're coaching  someone and, and generally, it goes really well. Sometimes it takes a little while for people to  catch on that you're not going to give them all the answers, and that you believe in them, and you're going to help them figure out what to do. And you're going to figure out, help them  figure out how to do it, and you're going to help them stick with it. But you're, but you're  helping them do these things. That takes a while. But sometimes, it's like you're working hard  and trying to do this, and nothing is working. And the client is getting frustrated. And as in  probably as a coach, you're getting even more frustrated. So what do you do when there's  this lack of progress? signs of trouble? Number one, let me give you a few things that happen, that should give you a sense that we're not making progress, like we should. Number one,  client can't make a decision. You're trying to get him to decide what area of his life to improve or where it's hurting, or some area that we can focus on change on improving, coming up with a goal. And no matter how you use whatever model you use, you know, we talked about the  different models and how to make a decision. Doesn't matter what the end of the seven  connections model different areas of your life model where you're frustrated, your dream,  your possible dream, we had all these different models, ways that people could explore all the different areas of their life. And yet you do all this and they just can't do it. They just will not  settle on anything. client can't make a decision. Number two, client can't stick with any  decision. They decide they want to do something about their marriage, and they decide what  they're going to do. But then they never do it. Week after week. Well, how did that go? Well, I  didn't do it. Next week, how do that go? I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Number  three, client can't make up a plan. They have a goal, but they have no idea how to get there.  And no matter how many models you share with them about, let's just take it one day at a  time. Let's let's figure out what they just don't. They can't seem to figure out a plan. They  can't settle on anything. Client never follows through the plan. They have a plan, but they  never do it. Client never does anything or does everything. But what was agreed upon. So  they say they're going to do something in this next week. But instead of doing the thing that  they said they do some other thing. It's like they're they're distracted, or they're A.D.D., they  can't focus on the thing. And every week, they have a different thing that they want to work  on. And they never do the thing that they said the week before. So every week, it's a new  plan. Every week, it's a brand new thing. But there's never any progress or success. The client just wants to talk, not do. That's what I discovered with counseling. My first church, I did a lot  of counseling, marriage counseling, personal counseling, business counseling, all kinds of  counseling. And I discovered that people just want to talk. Sometimes they just, they're lonely. They don't have anyone to share they have no one that understands them. And so just sitting  there, and I'm not saying that's that mean, that is a service that you're giving people. But  again, I remember as a young pastor, I was frustrated that things aren't getting done. I don't  want to just talk about problems. I want to solve problems. I want problems solved. The client  just wants to talk not do in coach in counseling. Okay, I guess there's something to that. But  in coaching, that doesn't work. We have to end up doing something. Client is always negative  no matter what happens, they're negative about their goals and negative about people.  They're negative about, you know whether anything works. And they never actually do  anything because they're always so negative about everything. Number eight client is often  late for appointments. Can't remember, if you have to babysit your client, then you're not  coaching. You're babysitting your client. Does your client want change in his life? Does he  want to make progress? Some area of his life? Does he want the pressure relieved in some  area of his life or not? If he does, then the onus is on him or her but if the client is already late for appointments is like okay, we got a problem. or your client fails to call or contact the  coach, when the ball is in his court. Hey, call me. Tell me how that went. And they don't call  you call me when you want to meet again. And they don't call you see, the onus is on the  client, it's client centered, not coaching centered. So things must happen because they want  them to happen. In all my counseling careers, I always, I was always the pressure. I'm always  the one trying to make someone do something. I'm the one trying to figure out when we're  going to meet again, I'm the one sending out the reminder. Because if I don't, they don't show

up. And in churches it is especially bad because they don't pay for the counseling. And if they  come 10 minutes late, well, what difference does it make, they don't pay for it anyway. Or  they skip it, or something comes up and they call it the last second and cancel, or they all  want to meet at night, because they work during the day. So now I have to work all night.  Whereas when they go see the doctor, the doctor says will come at 11 o'clock in the morning  and the person has to take time off from work. So you see people aren't giving it the sense of  importance that it deserves. Number 10, client is a no show often. Again, if they're not  paying, they just don't show up. is not high on their agenda list. Okay, you got a problem  when any of these 10 things are happening? So what does the coach do? Number one, stick  with the coaching plan, do not start counseling or mentoring or teaching. So you want to do  some mentoring and teaching. You want to get your client and say, Hey, buddy, this isn't  working. You got to change your ways. Number one, you should show up on time. Number  two, you got to do what you say you're gonna do. You know, you start listing all the things  that you want done, you start advising them, teaching them training them. No, don't do that.  Because now you're not you're not the coach anymore. Stick with the coaching plan. Number  two after letting the client set the agenda for a period of time with no apparent progress.  Okay, so you've been doing the coaching thing, but it's not working. No progress is being  made. But you you've given it time you you're patiently letting the coaching process work. If it doesn't work, no apparent progress, ask permission to ask a more leading question. Again, as  coaches, we don't ask leading questions. We ask open questions, because we don't want to  lead our clients. We want the client to lead themselves. But okay, it's not working. So instead  of just leading a little bit, ask permission to lead see that still puts the ball in their court.  That's still as much as possible to make the solution come out of them. I'm not just doing this  to you. I'm asking permission, permission to ask him more leading questions. If he says yes.  Ask why do you think you're not making progress with our coaching process? Again, I'm not  telling him why. I'm asking you. Why do you think we're not making any progress? I'm leading  a little bit because I'm directing in this arena, this problem arena, but I'm not coming up with  a solution. I'm still doing the coaching thing with my clients. This now becomes the focus of  your client centered coaching, this now becomes the chosen problem that we want to think  about. So you're still using the coaching process, but you're applying it to this no progress  situation that we find ourselves in. Three, if still no progress. Ask again, to ask a more leading  question. Again, you don't want to just tell. You don't want to just do you always want to give  a little bit of space between you and the client. If he says no, then terminate the relationship.  Game it because it's not working. If he says yes, then ask can I suggest some areas that I  think we should explore together? Not as a client coach, but as a client teacher, or a client  counselor or a client pastor. Okay. So here's more of a hybrid. I a lot of coaching courses that  you take. They don't they don't really give this option. And I think especially in ministry, that  is always an option. Because in ministry, you wear many hats. I wear a pastor hat I wear a  counselor hat. I wear a mentor hat. I wear a teacher hat on Sunday morning, I'm teaching and mentoring young people and so on. So I wear all these different hats. And these hats are  useful. We don't want people to be confused with the hat that we're wearing. So that's why  I'm asking, do you mind, if we move a little bit off from the coaching, the coaching thing isn't  working? Okay? I don't want to give up entirely on it. But I want to, I want to move to a little  bit of a hybrid, if that's okay with you, because maybe you feel that we're not making  progress too okay, this is a, this is a big step, and you don't want to just take it, you want to  ask your client if he wants to take it. So coach, as pastor, let's think about that for a minute.  The client needs to be saved. Again, one of the problems or why you're not making progress,  is the holy spirit isn't in this person. He's not reading his Bible every day. He's not being  informed by the Holy Spirit as He prays. And so you're trying to have him come up with  things, but there isn't the thing there to work with. So that your client needs to be saved.  Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved. There, maybe you need to talk about  that with your, with your clients, and being saved is making Jesus Lord and Savior, not just  savior, but Lord of your life. So is Jesus, the Lord of the areas of your life, maybe there's  certain areas of your life where Jesus isn't Lord, we need to talk about that. First. There's some submission that has to happen here, or repentance. client needs meaningful connecting 

habits, the seven connections, maybe the client doesn't have a good walk with God, no  prayer, no Bible, maybe there's no spiritual connection with the client and the spouse. Or  there's, you know, the Bible, and prayer isn't in the home. Or maybe it was friends supported  by friends, or maybe the client really doesn't have much of a church relationship. See, these  things have? Remember, these are prerequisites for coaching. Remember, because it's client  centered, we're assuming that the client has the answer, the client can find the solution  somewhere in himself. But if he's not a Christian, if he's not walking with God, if he's not  supported by church, people who are trying to do the same thing, then it's hard to expect the  client to figure out things and come up with things. So we need to take care of that first.  Coach as counselor, so maybe the person needs a little counseling, okay. You know, I'm  stepping out of the coaching situation, and I'm becoming more of a counselor client needs to  be healed from wounds that were inflicted in childhood, that you know, that there was a  father son relationship, or there was brokenness. In a divorce early on, or there was two  children, one was favored and one wasn't, there's some things going on, or a child that was  abandoned, and never has a problem trusting and committing themselves to anything. And  unless you deal with some of that you really can't make progress. It keeps, it keeps destroying any goals that the person has. And so you need to go back into the childhood to try to  understand some of that. Certain negative circumstances, things happen in our lives, and  they, they, they have a big impact on us and they color for example, alcoholism, if a person is drinking or into drugs, you can work on all the goals and the plans that you want. But they'll  always end in disaster and brokenness, because of this prior problem. It alcohol and drugs are one of those things that you have to take care of first, or it will influence everything else.  Hurtful relationships, maybe there's some relationships that need to be mended. There's  some forgiveness that needs to be offered repentance that needs to be made. These are  these are basic, regular church going kinds of things that we need to do. And unless we do  some of these things, we can't get to the coaching part. Coach as the teacher, client needs to  learn certain skills in order to take advantage of the coaching relationship. Okay, coaching is  about getting someone towards action towards coming up with goals and then following  through and sticking with goals and making things happen. But being able to do that relies on certain skills. For example, time management, a lot of people just don't know how to manage  their time and so they make these goals and plans but they always end in disaster, because  they don't know the basics of just managing their time. So, so you need maybe you need to  just take a session and teach time management or research People don't know how to look  into something. And they don't even know where to look, or how to brainstorm. And so you  need to teach them how to do that team building. Maybe they're doing everything on their  own, and they're failing with everything they're trying to do, because they're trying to do it on their own. Sometimes, okay, so I'm giving you some options of what you can do. But  sometimes you do all these things, you put on the counselor hat and put on the teacher hat,  you put on the pastor hat and put on the coaching hat. And it doesn't seem to matter what  hat you put on, it just doesn't work. So what do you do? Now, when I started out my career in  my first church, and I was doing counseling, and I would do counseling, and it was like, every  week I'm meeting meeting with these people meeting with this couple, and nothing seems to  work. And I didn't know how to get out of this. It's like, we're just spinning our wheels, we're  going nowhere. But we keep meeting. I don't know how to end the thing. Well, I'm going to try to help you figure out how to end it, sometimes nothing works. So what do you do, it could be  a timing issue, right now. There's things going on in the person's life, that they're just not  ready for this coaching thing. Or number two, it could be a hunger issue, and they, they're  just not hungry. They just don't really want to change, they're not hurting enough. You know,  alcoholism is one of those things, when a person is not in pain enough, it's hard to get them  to want to quit. Number three, it could be a chemistry issue, maybe, you know, my  personality, the clients personality, somehow we just, we don't mesh it just doesn't work that  sometimes happens. Could be an unexposed, blockage issue that we can't figure out. So what do you do when nothing works? You've tried everything, in all the things that I've talked  about, you've tried, it still doesn't work. Number one, suggest that they find another coach,  maybe it's just, it's not working between us. So I don't want you to give up on the change I 

don't want you to give up on you know, May, I believe still believe in you. But maybe I'm not  the one that can help you. In some ways, you put the blame on yourself. That's where you  start. Find another pastor, you know, maybe you need more pastoral advice, and another  pastor can do that for you. Find another counselor, or find another teacher, you know, you  need some of these prerequisites before this coaching thing really can help you remember  coaching is, is really more for healthy people, then for people that are that are hurting.  Number five, terminate the coaching relationship. So this is not working. So we should just  quit. But how to terminate the coaching relationship, this is a tough thing to do. I know in  counseling, I never knew how to do this. I didn't know how to do it. And so we just kept  meeting even though it was unfruitful, avoid blaming the client, okay, you know what's not  working, you're not doing it, we make goals, and then you don't follow through. So I'm tired to meeting with you. So let's quit. No. Avoid blaming the client. I don't know why it's not  working. Maybe it's the chemistry maybe. I don't know. It's just not working. Try to at least in  part, blame yourself. Look, I wish I was better at coaching. Maybe there's something I'm not  seeing, or maybe something I lack and maybe, you know, if I was a better coach, we can  figure this out. It's okay to put a little blame on yourself. You should be strong enough to take  that appeal to mutual benefit. If we keep meeting, we'll both be wasting each other's time. I  don't want to waste your time and you don't want to waste my time. And so maybe maybe we should maybe to quit for a while or can find someone else offer to check in at some future  date. Look, it's not working now doesn't mean it's not going to work. Why don't we just take a  month or two off and then I'll call you in a couple of months and see where you're at. Alright,  so don't give up. A lot of times things don't work. Keep trying to do the coaching thing. If you  get super super frustrated with work or the or the lack of progress, you know, watch this  video again, and then try some of these things to see if you can salvage the situation.