Video Transcript: When to Take the Coaching Hat Off
Hi again, my name is Steve Elzinga. This is the coaching class. I want to talk about hats. When someone plays baseball, they wear a baseball cap. A policeman has a certain kind of hat. When you're in the army, you wear a certain kind of hat. A hat identifies who you are. Visually, you can look at someone and go, “I know what this person is, what they do.”
Now in coaching and counseling and pastoral care and so on, we don't literally wear hats. Maybe we should, because they are distinctive roles. And sometimes we confuse our clients, and we even confuse ourselves, because we're not sure what hat we're wearing. We use this hat as a metaphor for the different roles that we have.
When I'm talking to my children, I put on the parent hat. When I preach, I put on the preaching hat. Usually the context of the situation lets people know what I'm doing. When I stand behind the pulpit, people expect the preaching hat. When I sit down at home with my family, it's the parenting hat. When I sit with my wife, it's the marriage hat.
So a lot of times the hat that you wear fits the context, and there's no confusion. But sometimes it's confusing. Are you the parent? Are you the marriage partner? Are you the teacher or the mentor? Are you the pastor? Are you the counselor or the coach? These are different roles. And coaching is a very specific kind of role. We’ve tried to outline that over and over again in this class. It's not counseling. It's not pastoral care. Those are all good things — but coaching is different from those things.
So in this session, I want to talk about when you take the coaching hat off. Is it legitimate to do that? I'm suggesting that it is. But there's a way to do it, or otherwise you can end up confusing your client, and he's not sure what role you are in, or what coaching is. And all of a sudden, all the lines and all these roles become very blurry. And you don't want that.
When Would You Take the Coaching Hat Off?
Signs of Trouble in the Coaching Relationship
The client is hurting themselves. Some of the goals — either they're doing it the wrong way, or they're not following through, or they're getting more depressed, more anxious. They’re like a deer caught in headlights. They don't know which way to go, and they could get hurt. The job is getting worse. The marriage is getting worse. Parenting is getting worse. Things are not going well.
2. The client is hurting others. Marriage is not going well. Families are not going well. Relationships at work are not going well. Ministry is not going well.
3. The client seeks to do something unbiblical. Remember, we're asking the client to figure out what he or she wants to do. We're trusting them — but they might want something that isn’t right. You can't just say, “Well, I'm your coach, so I'll help you do whatever you want.”
That’s trouble.
What Do You Do?
1. Gently Steer Them
This is still in the coaching realm — maybe a little push, but gentle.
Give an applicable verse and ask them what they think it means.
Steve’s example:
A couple living together wants to get married. Instead of lecturing, he gives them 1 Corinthians 6:16 and asks what it means. The man realizes on his own:
“It seems like this verse is saying we’re already married.”
Now the couple owns the insight. Then you coach them through solutions.
2. Ask Permission to Take the Coaching Hat Off
Say something like:
“There’s a problem here in our coaching relationship. I’d like permission to take off the coaching hat and put on the pastor hat (or counselor hat, or mentor hat). Is that okay?”
If the client agrees, then:
Put on the new hat clearly
Address the issue
Then take the hat off and return to coaching
Make it obvious. Even pantomime it.
3. Make the Issue the New Focus
Once the client agrees, the issue becomes the area of life where change needs to happen. Then you can use coaching techniques to help them figure out action steps.
Why Make a Big Deal About Switching Hats?
1. Coaching Depends on the Relationship
The client must know:
You don’t give answers
You don’t direct
You don’t fix
You help them figure things out
If you start giving advice, they’ll stop taking responsibility.
2. Coaching Requires the Client to Own Their Life
Mentoring, teaching, counseling — those take responsibility away from the client. Coaching gives it back.
3. Coaching Requires Consistency
If you blur the roles, the client will be confused and the coaching process breaks down.
So anytime you step out of the coaching role — even for something small — switch hats clearly.
We'll see you again next time.