Video Transcript: When to Take the Coaching Hat Off

Hi again, my name is Steve Elzinga. This is the coaching class, I want to talk about hats when  someone plays baseball, they wear a baseball cap. Policeman has a certain kind of hat, when  you're in the army, you wear a certain kind of a hat A hat identifies who you are visually you  can look at someone you go, I know what this person is what they do. Now in coaching and  counseling and pastoral care, and so we don't literally wear hats, maybe we should, because  they are they're distinctive roles. And sometimes, we confuse our clients and we even  confused ourselves because we're not sure what hat we're wearing we use this hat as a  metaphor for the different roles that we have. When I'm talking to my children, I put on the  parents hat. When I preach, I put on the preaching hat. And usually the context of the  situation, lets people know what I'm doing. When I stand behind the pulpit. People expect the  preaching hat. When I sit down at home with my family. It's the parenting hat I sit with my  wife is the marriage. So a lot of times the hat that you wear fits the context, and there's no  confusion. But sometimes it's confusing. Are you the parent? Are you the marriage partner?  Are you the teacher or the mentor? Are you the pastor? Are you the counselor or the coach?  These are different roles. And coaching is a very specific kind of role. We tried to outline that  over and over and over again in this class. It's not counseling, it's not pastoral care, those are  all good things. But coaching is different those things. So this session, I want to, I want to talk  about when you take the coaching hat off, is it legitimate to do that? And I'm suggesting that  it is. But there's a way to do it, or otherwise, you can end up confusing your client, and he's  not sure what role you are in, or what coaching is. And all of a sudden, all the lines and all  these roles become very blurry. And you don't want that. So first of all, when would you do  this? When would you actually take the coaching hat off and put what hat on? What are signs  of trouble in the coaching relationship? Number one, the client is hurting themselves. Okay,  that some of the goals, either they're doing it the wrong way, or they're not following through  or they're hurting, they're getting more depressed, they're getting more anxious. They're like  a deer caught in the headlights, they don't know which way to go. And they could get hurt.  The job is getting worse. So their marriage is getting worse, their parenting is getting worse,  things are not going well. Client is hurting themselves client is hurting others Marriage is not  going well. families are not going well. The relationship to the boss at work is not going well.  Ministry is not going well. So you're working on these things but the client is getting hurt. The  client is hurting other people. The client seeks to do something unbiblical. Okay, remember  we're asking the client to figure out what he wants to do, or what she wants to do. We're not  trying to come up with the goal for them, we want them to come up with their own goal. So  we're trusting them. Remember the prerequisite theyhave to have a walk with God, they have to be Christian they have to be daily talking and listening to God. So hopefully they in their  seeking God's will and God's purpose in their life. They're willing to sacrifice their their bodies  and to be a living sacrifice to God. But let's say they're not, right. I mean, we're, we don't  control our client. Let's say the client wants to do something that isn't right. He wants to, you  know, get either ex wife or he wants to get rid of a partner that he has in business or  something that you look at and you go I think this is unbiblical and you can't just okay, well,  I'm your coach. So I'm going to help you do whatever it is that you want to do. So that's,  that's trouble. So what do you do about these kinds of things? Well, first of all, you gently  steer them. How do you gently steer them? This is I think this is still in the coaching realm.  You really haven't switched hats. Maybe a little bit is because your direction or at least you're  pushing in a certain direction. Whereas in coaching and tend not to push, but this is a gentle  push, you give applicable verse, a given applicable verse and ask them to tell you what they  think it's means. So I've done this. I have I've had not clients, but people attending my  church, a young couple coming, and they want me to marry them. And you know, they've  been recently coming to church. So they come to church, once in a while, is somehow  connected to our church, but not greatly connected. And I'm the only pastor they know. So  they want to get married a year from now, in April. And so I always agreed to meet with him  and I meet with them. And by the way, they're living together, that they've been living  together for six months. And now they want to get married. And maybe they've heard some  of the messages, they think this is a good thing to do. Marriage is a good thing. So they want  to do this, but they're already living together. So what do you do? So I had them and I meet 

with him. And I asked how they met. And we talked about their relationship. And generally, I  talked to let them talk. We were getting to know each other, I'm getting to know their story  and so on. Finally, after the some rapport that has been established, I'll ask this question. I'll  preamble the question by saying, at least in the United States, 50% of marriages end in  divorce, what makes you think your marriage will not be part of that 50% that ends in  divorce? And every couple says the same thing. They'll say, Well, it's because we really love  each other, I say, Well, you know, every couple that gets married, they would say they love  each other too, but 50% of them that say that are wrong, they still end up in divorce. Well, we talk about everything, and we stay up all night, you know, saying working things out, we've  been through some things. And we survived these things. Anyway, everyone's done that. I  mean, every couple that wants to get married, has been through some things and stay up all  night talking about things. That's why they want to get married. I mean, everything that you  say is what everyone says. And yet, half of those people are wrong, when it comes to their  commitment and staying married. So what makes you think you are going to be in the 50%  that make it? Eventually people will say, I don't know. maybe you can't know? And then I'll  say, yes, you can. I knew when I made a commitment to my wife, I knew it would stand and  I'll tell you why. Because my commitment was not based on how well we talk things over and  how we loved one or not, and how we loved doing the same things. Because those things  could change. Our commitment was based on our relationship to God, the most significant  thing in our life, and our family and friends, whoever relationship. So I have to break my  relationship to God to get out of this marriage. See that? That's a stronger commitment. Okay, so you're pushing him in that direction. Okay. So maybe in the second session, we talked more and more about how they met, and so on. And so but there's a problem. There's an elephant  in the room that we haven't talked about, in this problem of that they're, they're living  together, and they don't think anything of it. So that's what they want to do. Now, if I'm a  coach, I'm just helping them they want to get married. I help them plan the marriage, and  they get married. But see, they're doing something unbiblical, they're living together, and  they shouldn't be living together, living together as the thing that is reserved for marriage.  That's what the Bible says. So how do I how do I, how do I do this without directing them, and  pushing them or by the authority, I'm the pastor of this church, and you're unbiblical and you  need to change this, okay? In coaching, we're not pushing people, we're not shoving people,  because that doesn't work. We need people to figure out their own answers to their own  problems. They don't know that this is a problem. So what's the way to do this? You come up  with an applicable verse. So this is what I do. At some point, I'll say, Hey, this is the verse I  want you to read. I want you to tell me what you think it means. I Corinthians 6:16. Paul says,  do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her and body for it is  said the two will become one flesh. On by the way, tell them that phrase, the two will become one flesh is found in Genesis 2, Adam and Eve, talking about Adam and Eve, and the two  became one flesh. It's talking about a physical connection, a spiritual and physical  connection. You know, we're talking about sex here. And it's reserved for marriage. It says, it  says here that the two actually become one flesh. This is what happens. Okay? And Paul is  applying this to this other situation and so, why am I bringing up a verse that talks about a  guy and a prostitute? Just, I just leave it there, I'll just read this verse, tell him that, you know,  the two become one flesh is what happened to Adam and Eve, back in Genesis chapter two.  And then ask what do you think this means? Last couple that I did that the girl had no idea  what I meant. I don't know what it means. It doesn't relate to us at all. But the guy figured it  out. he looked at it and said, It seems like this verse is saying we're already married. Because  in this case, you know when a guy lies with a prostitute, They become one. It doesn't matter  what, there's no wedding ceremony here. You do the act, you're married. And so he looked at  it and said, is that what this verse is saying? I think it does. What does that mean? So what  does that mean? So he looked at me, it means we're already married. That's what it means.  See, now I didn't tell him that I didn't force some doctrine on him. I just showed him a verse  and asked him what he thought it meant. And then I'm not going to force the solution. What  do you want to do about it? What do you want? What do you want to do about it? What can  we do about it? They didn't know. So we had to spend time exploring. We had to do the 

coaching thing. So we got a problem. We have something that we want to change that  something we want to fix? And how are we going to do it? So we have to start brainstorming  possible solutions. What are some solutions? Well, we could just say you're married already.  But what about our ceremony? Well, I guess we could have a ceremony. But you're already  married. So anyway, we went through just to finish the story. We went through all kinds of  solutions. One of the solutions that we came up with is, well, we've sort of done it the wrong  way. So far, Let's reboot. And so I will move out. And now we will be we won't live with each  other for this next year. And we'll work towards this wedding. We failed. We didn't do it right.  But we'll let's Let's reboot and change that. That was one solution. Another solution was, we  get married next week. Since we're married already, let's just make it official before God, with family, maybe the parents early in the office, not a state wedding, but just in my office  wedding before God, and then work towards a public ceremony, which you're going to call  your wedding in April, a year from now. That, by the way, is what they eventually did. So if  there was a problem, and no, and I don't want to just help someone do something that's  unbiblical. But I don't want to just tell them what to do either. I want to help them figure out  what they should do about a problem. So so first of all, this is one direction to go give an  applicable verse and then ask them to tell you what they think about it. And then hopefully,  and then you go through the whole coaching process of trying to figure out answers to this  problem. Will you let them come up with the solutions, or number two ask for permission from the client to take a coaching hat off and put on a hat of a pastor? So now, again, I'm not  trying to direct I'm not telling you what to do, in fact, on Ask I'm trying to be real humble  about this. There's a problem here in our coaching relationship. Because, you know, we're  stuck or things aren't working, or, you know, the person wants something that I don't believe  in, we got a problem. And I would like permission from you, the client to take off the coaching  hat. So we're clearly not in the coaching realm, right now? And I want to, I want to be very  clear that I'm putting on a different hat, is that going to be okay? And the client says, Okay,  well, then they can say, well, I'd like to put on the pastor hat and do little pastoral care with  you right now. Or I want to put on The Counselor hat because I think there's some things in  your past that are thwarting you, that are keeping you from doing what it is, you know,  everything that we talked about, there's some anger issue or there's some problem  relationship issue or there's something that happened with your father that really needs to be  resolved that we can't, or they're they're drinking, they're an alcoholic, alcoholism is a  primary problem. If you don't fix that, you can't fix other things. So I have to put on a different hat. And we have to deal with it in a different way, than this whole coaching process or a  mentor, I need to mentor you in some things, you need to learn time management, time  management is killing you. And you're not achieving anything because you don't know a  couple things. If I just take off the coaching hat and put on the mentor hat for a minute, for  the teaching hat, I can teach you this skill. And this skill will help you in our coaching  relationship. Do you mind if I do that for a little while? If the client is open to this change of  role, then simply make the issue the area in the client's life where change needs to happen.  So it's very simple. Once you make that the problem or whatever it is that's in the way of the  coaching thing. Now you make that the issue. And now you can use some of the same  coaching techniques with this issue, two proceed to help the client figure out what action step he or she wants to take. Number three, help the client make a plan of action necessary to  accomplish those new goals. So it is similar to coaching. But it's not. And it's significantly  different. That you need to almost literally, I mean, I almost would pantomime. I have the  coaching hat on and I'm taking it off. And I'm putting on the counselor hat. It is not the  coaching hat, it is the counselor hat, I want you to be very clear that we're not coaching right  now we're counseling and what what that is and why we're doing it. Help the client manage  the plan, make sure you make a big deal about switching hats. Number one, the success of  coaching is dependent on your relationship with your client. And your relationship with your  client has been established in this whole coaching thing. I don't give you answers. I don't give  you suggestions, I don't get I don't counsel you I don't try to figure out what's wrong with you. I don't do any of those things, I help you figure out what it is that you want to do what you  want to change, I help you make a plan of how you're going to change it, I help hold you 

accountable to that plan. But I don't do these other things. If I start doing those things by  start interspersing, in a little suggestion, little stories of things that happened to me, then the  client will stop taking responsibility. In the coaching relationship over time, the coach, the  client starts to learn that he or she is responsible. And if you go in and change the rules of the game by all of a sudden becoming a counselor or becoming an advisor, well, then you're not  letting the client figure these things out. And the client will let you I mean, most people are  willing to let other people do it for them. If you do it, people will let you and then they will  stop taking ownership. And they will stop. It'll try to you know figure out things for  themselves. So, so your coaching relationship, and what it is, is usually important. So that's  why you literally want to take off a hat and put on a different hat. I don't. I don't want the  client confused with what we're doing. Number two, the success of coaching is making the  client take responsibility for his life. So when you mentor, you're taking some responsibility  when you teach you're taking responsibility. I'm not saying that you don't do these things.  This is sometimes mentoring is necessary. Sometimes teaching is necessary. Your client needs to learn these things before he doesn't have a walk with God. You need to as a pastor come  alongside and say, let me help you get a walk with God. This is what a walk with God is. This  is what I'd like you to try this week you you're more directive that's perfectly legitimate.  Parenting is more directed. Parenting is a good thing its just that coaching is a different thing.  And you don't want your client confused about these things. Number three, the success of  coaching is found in the coaches consistency and doing the coaching thing. Not the pastoral  care things, not the teaching things, not the counseling thing, and not the mentoring thing.  That's why it's important that you make a big deal about switching hats. It's not something  that you do very often. I'm just saying that once in a while you may have to do that. But when you don't do don't just, you know, just get to deal with this one little thing. I'm not gonna  make a big deal about the hats and all that stuff. I'm just gonna give him a little advice on  that he stuck with that and I know what will help him if I just tell him there's one thing he can  do it and he'll don't do that. I'm saying don't do that. Anytime you step out of the coaching  role anytime you want to give advice, you want to do counseling or do pastoral care. You want to do mentoring, you make a big deal about switching hats, even as a small thing even it's  something that isn't going to take very long it's fine. It How long does it take take this hat off  put this hat on do the same take it off with the coaching add on again. Clear. We'll see you  again next time.