Video Transcript: Responsibility

Hi, my name is Steve Elzinga and I want to talk about in this session I want to talk about  responsibility. If there's one word well, maybe there's not one word. If there were a few words  that would sort of sum up what coaching is all about, I would say, I would say on the coach's  part, it's listening. Listening is the key ingredient. But I think on the clients part on the client  side, the one word would be responsibility, taking responsibility. But I think the client is not  going to take responsibility unless the coach understands the whole concept of responsibility,  and how to give it and take it in what responsibility is all about. So so in some ways, the  coach is responsible for the client taking the right form of responsibility. That sounds a little  bit confusing, but let's just delve into this subject, and see where it takes us. Two questions  that I have for you. Number one, are you responsible? Are you responsible? And the second  question is, are you a responsible person? Those are two different questions, questions, the  first question, Are you responsible? The answer is a resounding yes. You are responsible. You  are responsible for things in your life, whether you like it or you don't. If you're married, you're responsible for your marriage. If you're a parent, you're responsible for your children. If you're an employer, employee, you're responsible for the job tasks that you get hired for. If you're in  a community, you're responsible to be living up to the laws of the land to be a person who  contributes to society, you are absolutely 100% responsible. This week's Bible verses there  are many Bible verses to talk about responsible, okay? So you are responsible, but But the  bigger question is, are you a responsible person, you may be responsible, but you might not  take up that responsibility. You might be responsible for your children, but you might ignore  your responsibility. You might be responsible for certain things at your workplace, but you just  do other things. So just being responsible, doesn't make you a responsible person. So it's  maybe Are you a responsible person, maybe it's important, if you look at Luke 16:12 And if  you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of  your own, okay? The whole big picture of life, God gives us life, he puts us on this planet, he  has this purpose. He gives us the gifts and abilities. And he asks us if we could do things if we  could contribute to the plan that he has in mind. And we have a decision to make yes or no?  Are we going to live up to the responsibility that God gives to us? Or are we not going to live  up to our responsibility? So God gives us challenges and he gives us tests? And if we don't  pass the little tests, and why would God pass on responses more responsibility to us. He's got  other people, he can give that responsibilities to people who are actually going to do his will.  So if you want God to be in the middle of your life, if you want to be a part of his plan, then  taking responsibility is the absolute key. Now, there are a lot of different ways of thinking  about responsibility. And I have sort of a sort of a grid here. About responsibility a little. A way to think about it. On the one side here we have take responsibility. Okay, someone takes  responsibility. They do the right things, people can count on them. Then on this side, you give  up responsibility. I'm not responsible, don't hold me accountable. Other people have to do it  because you can't expect anything from me. I say things but I don't necessarily follow through with these things. So taking responsibility is a good thing. Giving up responsibility is not such  a good thing. Okay? But on the take responsibility side of things. You can go too far. You can  take over responsibility. When you take over responsibility. You're taking responsibility from  other people. So in parenting, it's good to be a responsible parent. But it's not good to take  over responsibility, you don't want to take over the responsibility that you're trying to teach  your children, they need to start being responsible in their lives. And if you do everything for  them, how are they going to be responsible in their own right? So, you know, on this side,  taking responsibility is good, but taking too much responsibility is not good. So on this side,  giving up responsibility is not a good thing. You know, no one can count on you. On the other  hand, to give responsibility to someone else, is a good thing. So it's, it's kind of a matrix, this  is a good thing, this is a good thing. This is not this is not. The problem on this side is us. If  you give, give too much responsibility away, you give up a responsibility, and you don't take  any for yourself. If you take too much responsibility, then you end up taking over  responsibility for others. Okay, let me give you some signs of each one of these things. You  know, and what I'm what I want to do with this is I want you to start thinking about yourself,  where are you in the responsibility continuum here, because where you fit on this graph,  where you would put yourself is going to make a huge difference on your coaching 

tendencies. Okay? If you're a one who takes responsibility. The one side effect might might be that you take too much responsibility, and you don't let the client suffer a little bit. Let him try to figure out things. If you're on this side, maybe you give up too much responsibility or you  don't care or the person doesn't feel like you care. So here's some signs that will help you try  to evaluate yourself. How you fit on this responsibility matrix signs of each. Okay, taking  responsibility, you're a person who gets things done. There's order to your life, there's  accomplishment, you take responsibility. You get it done. Okay, if you're on this side, if you're  the kind of person that tends to give up responsibility, you do a lot of blaming, it's not your  fault. It's your boss's fault. It's your spouse's fault. It's your kids fault. It's your community's  fault. It's your pastors fault. It's your co pastors fault. It's somebody else's fault. You're always  blaming other people, there's a lot of chaos in your life, you have more things to do than you  can possibly get done. And a lot of things fall off to the side, or you might be bored. Or you  might be just getting by, you know, you're just getting by financially, you're just getting by in  your marriage, you're just getting by your ministry, you're just getting by your CLI studies,  that might be an indication that you're over here, you're not taking on enough responsibility  for yourself, owning your own situation, rather than blaming and looking at other situations.  All right. If you're over on the take over responsibility side, in other words, you are responsible person tend to take on responsibility, but maybe you're taking too much responsibility, you're  taking other people's chance to exercise their responsibility. And the way you can tell whether you're that kind of person is you might be stressed. You're stressed because you're trying to  take over everything, everything depends on you. The other there's other people there, but  ultimately it all comes back to you. You have a martyr complex. You know, it's all up to you.  No one else can do it. No one else wants to do. No one has the vision that you have no one  cares like you care. You're surrounded by incompetence, everyone around you is not good  enough. And that's why you have to step in and do it. You can be this kind of person in  parenting, you can be this kind of way in your job. There many pastors who are this way, they  do everything in the church, they never equip, they never get other people doing things  because other people can't do it like the pastor can. That leads to a lot of stress because  everything depends on you. They're clearly on the taking over responsibility side. And finally,  a person who gives responsibility to someone else. You're surrounded by willing eager and  thankful partners, people that are thankful for the opportunity and for your belief in them that they can do it. Alright, so I want to give an example of that. Recently I was in the Philippines I  was in the Philippines with my wife in 1981 to 1982. I taught in the seminary Bible College.  And we went back this past year, and we went to synod, a gathering of the church members  of the church that we were in the seminary at, you know, back in 1981-82. These students  that we had were 18, 19, 20 years old. And now they're all 55, 56, 57, 60 years old, a couple  years younger than I am. And they're, they're leading the denomination, it was so cool to  meet up with them. By the way, where were the conference was, is ​Tagaytay, it's a volcano  inside of a volcano, beautiful place. Here's some of the scenery. Anyway, this is the class, the  Christian Reformed Seminary and Bible College in the Philippines. 1982. This is me right here.  This is my wife. And then here's all the class guides. it's very interesting. Some of them are  taken some CLI classes now, too. But anyway, we did this class way back then. And here's  some of these guys now. Look at all these old people. They were all so young back then. But  they're all running things and they're all passionately following Christ. And it was so cool to  see things that were begun long ago, to see people still passionate for Christ and still working  as hard as they were when they were students and much more mature. Making things  happen. It was it was just so much fun. 37 years later, but I want to talk about one that was  not my student he was he wasn't even born back then. Here he is in his church, preaching. His name is Ben Gonzaga. And he's a he's a CLI student, heavy into the Alliance, very good  promoter of Christian leaders Institute. By the way, that brick behind him is all just paper. His  church is incredible, and they don't have money and so on. But he's incredibly creative. And  he he works with what he has. And just an incredible guy. This is his church, beautifully  painted. And the floor he put in himself, he got some of the donate all this broken pottery. And they cemented it all in this used to be just mud. Most of the churches there just have mud  floors, and but he got all the young people to do this. He's got a hanging garden, that 

community comes by and he gives plants to anyone who wants it. That wood that he made,  they cut a tree down, he made these benches out of that wood. And this is where we stayed. I didn't know where we're going to stay at the church. It's 100 degrees in the Philippines. Not  used to that. And so he had this little tiny room he made and he put up things and there's an  old air conditioner in there. And just the little touches that he did is just an amazing, he would take things and just make something out of it. the communal bathroom. And this is my wife  built this little structure where people could sit under there. He's got internet there, people  from all over the community come and sit there and have the internet. Those Filipinos love  their food. I guess I do too. these are all the young people look at them all sitting on their  phone. By the way. This is what's interesting. In countries all over the world, people can get  on the phone. And that's why so many of you are taking Christian leaders Institute classes.  They're doing it right on right on their phone. Here they are all eating together. But anyway,  what I wanted to share is I think Ben Gonzaga is a guy who takes responsibility, and he  doesn't take over responsibility. He just takes responsibility. So in the denomination, the  Christian Reformed Church I taught in seminary in Bible college 37 years ago, but when the  missionaries left, it wasn't sustainable. And so it folded and they've been struggling with  trying to get a seminary, Bible College to train their, you know, the next generation of pastors and so on. Well, he took it upon himself. He formed his own little seminary and he uses  Christian leaders Institute materials, and he gathers students as a graduating class. This, by  the way, is one of my students from 37 years ago, he's got young he's got old, but he takes it  upon himself and he researches and then they sit and do the class together. He doesn't take  over for the students. He doesn't do it for them. But he took responsibility. He, you know, the  other islands are still talking about what they should do. He's not talking about what they  should do, he's doing it, he saw the stuff out, he didn't know anything about the internet, he  got on the internet, he figured out the internet, he figured out how to do classes, he figured  out how to get other people excited about it. And he keeps them motivated. And he finds  books and materials. In the end, he gets it to his students, incredible guy. And he's one of our  one of our bright stars there. In the Philippines, this is a picture of my wife and myself with  him and his wife, and his little library. So, you know, back to this matrix. So again, I just  wanted to share I just had this experience in the Philippines, one of our students, great guy, I  think he's got the good balance between this responsibility thing, he takes responsibility, he  doesn't sit around and blame the situation, or the missionaries left, we don't have good  options. He took responsibility and did something about it. But he doesn't take over  responsibility. If you want to be one of if you want to be in his school, you have to do the  work. And really, that's what the Christian leaders Institute is about too we provide the  training, here it is, okay, we, we do our part, but we don't take over, we don't babysit you, you have to do it, if you want to do it, you do it, if you don't want to do it, you don't do it, the  responsibility is up to you. And that's the kind of person you have to be, or you have to have  to become, or you will not succeed at Christian leaders Institute. And if you don't succeed, at  Christian leaders Institute, we don't want you leading churches, because you need to be the  kind of person that can take responsibility, and also give responsibility. The church is built see, what did Jesus do he had 12 disciples, now Jesus had responsibility. But he gave it to his  disciples, He sent them out two by two, they didn't know what they were doing, he just sent  him out. And that's what we need to do too, we need to take responsibility, but not take over  responsibility. So in your coaching, I don't, you know, and as personality types, we tend to  gravitate to one of these, or maybe a couple of these, you know, maybe you're on this side,  you're just not a very, you're a procrastinator, you just don't get things done, you don't take  responsibility, you need to move in this direction, take responsibility, or you're on this side,  you take over responsibility, and you try to manage everything, you don't want things to fail.  So you tend to do everything. And then you get frustrated, because no one takes ownership.  You need to learn how to give responsiveness. So first, first, I want you to look at this matrix  and try to figure out who you are. Because your tendency will affect your coaching. If you're  on this side, where you take over responsibility, and you're trying to coach your, you are  going to always want to rescue your clients, you're always gonna want to suggest things and  push him in directions that you think would be best for them to go. So if you're over here, you 

got to really learn how to go over here. Or you will fail as a coach. But it's good to understand  what your tendencies are. So you can catch yourself. So you can watch yourself. If you over  here giving up responsibility is so much so that the client doesn't even feel like you care. See  that's not going to work either. So I want you to look at this matrix and try to figure out where  you are on this matrix. And then the second thing is to look at this matrix and look at your  client. After a period of time, you'll get to know them. Where are they? see if your client is the sort of over here give up responsibility, this is their personality, as you try to give them  responsibility, they will push back, they will push back and they will use every technique  under the sun to push back that they have ways of doing it that you will not be aware of that  they'll delegate you to take over responsible take over the responsibility for their situation  without you even knowing that they did it. So that's why it's important for you to evaluate and try to figure out which side of the responsibility matrix they are so start with who you are, and then start with where they are. And then I pray that it goes well for you