Video Transcript: Constructive Communication

Well, I want to welcome you back to this course, this course on personal and ministry  assessment for Christian leaders. And if you were with us, during our last session, our focus  was on examining what the Bible has to say about communications. And so what we did is  that we examine a number of key passages, three of which were found in the book of  Ephesians. And then we looked at a very familiar text out of the book of Proverbs. In fact, the  beef specific, Proverbs 18:21 text, it is very popular, that I'm sure you're very well acquainted  with and, and then we also finished up by looking at text out of the book of James, also  another familiar passage in scripture that deals with the importance of communication. And  so what we did in that first lecture was really just lay a foundation, a foundation that dealt  with God's attitude or God's heart, as it relates to communication. And, and we really looked  at how important it is for us to understand that the gospel, the good news of the gospel of  Jesus Christ, has everything to do with every aspect of our being. And so if you are a  Christian, then then then obviously, reflecting back on the finished work of Christ, and in the  first lecture, I mentioned that the late Francis Schaffer coined the phrase, we said, How then  shall we now live? And so what Francis Schaefer talked about in that phrase is that in light of  the redemptive work of the crawls, what impact does that have on on on us? Or to put it a  different way? What is my response to what Jesus has accomplished? In times past? What is  says Jesus has accomplished redemption for me, and for you, over 2000 years ago? And now  in the present, being a recipient of that grace? What impact does the gospel have on my life?  Well, for the writers of the New Testament, and especially the writers of the epistles, the  response in the answer is everything. The Gospel impacts everything. And that also includes  the use of our time. Or to put a different way the gospel impacts human speech, human  communication, in every dimension. And so we spent time examining those passages of  Scripture, just to give us a sense, or glimpse into the heart of God, as it relates to the  importance of being able to use words and to understand that words really matter. So with  that foundation, Les, we want to transition in this particular lecture, to talk about, or to look at some tools that I believe are going to be beneficial in helping you to improve to become a  better communicator, because again, I know that that's one of the reason you tuned in. That's one of the reasons why you are taking this course, because you want to become better at  what God has called you to do the work that God has called you to do. And in order to do that, you need to be an effective communicator. So in this lecture, our focus is going to be on  constructive communication. And as I indicated, we're going to examine or look at a couple of  tools, which I believe are going to be helpful for you, and becoming as an effective  communicator as you possibly can. Now, as we did in the previous lecture, I'd like to begin by  giving you a few thoughts to reflect on as we move into this particular lecture. And the first  thought that I like for you to just take a minute to reflect on and in this this question, what  have you learned throughout your life, about constructive communication? Now, as you well  know, all communication is not constructive. In fact, some of it can be very destructive. But  what have you learned about the importance of being able to communicate effectively, what  has your life experiences been? I know in my life, I've learned that as a minister of the gospel  as a facilitator of workshops, that being able to communicate in such a way is highly  important to the well being of others or being able to get across my sort of being able to  reach people where there are constructive communication is very, very important. And I have  learned that in my own life, and I trust that you have as well. A second thing I'd like for you to  think about is this. Think about the different settings, different settings or situations that  require different communication approaches. Now, as this, you're watching this video, of me  doing this lecture, you may or may not know this, but but I'm in a studio. And I'm being  recorded. And it requires a different communication approach. There are no people here. And  so it requires for me to, to approach to communication being communicated in a different  way, because the setting is, is different. There are no people here, so I don't, I can't really  draw all the energy in the room. And even if I was in a classroom, they're there are different  ways to communicate, when you're in a classroom. There are different ways to communicate,  when you're giving a sermon, there are different ways to communicate if you're in a small  group or, or if you're on a one on one situation, you get could be the setting could be in a  counseling situation to where you are counseling someone. And so different situations, 

different settings require different approaches to communication. So So I just want you to  think about the different settings in which you in your own ministry, when you communicate.  And also think about the different groups that you communicate to communicating to  millennials. So different than maybe communicating to a builder or what we call builders or or Generation X, or generation lots, different generations respond differently to different kinds of communication. And so so just ponder and think about the different settings and situations  that require different communication approaches. Here's a thought, why is communicate  uncharged constructive communication important to performance of a group? Why is  constructive communication important to the performance of a group? When you think about  Jesus, Jesus had a group. His group was made up primarily of 12. Guys. He called them  disciples. Jesus was a master at communicating, Jesus was very constructive in his  communication, particularly with that group. And because Jesus used different communication techniques, different methodologies, Jesus was very, very important. And as a result of Jesus  use of constructive communication, it impacted the performance of the group, it impacted the group that was called disciples. And so think about that, in your own setting. That was a  group, you need to understand a little bit about group dynamics and the importance of being  able to utilize different communication skills and techniques that help a group perform  effectively. And for that group to be perfect proficient, I'm sorry, in exactly what they're trying  to do. So think about that, think about the different group settings that you've had, and the  importance of constructive communication has been to the overall functioning of the group.  And then, what real world barriers prevent healthy communication, even among people who  are who have a compelling need or a desire to work well together? We all know that there are  barriers that that occur in the context of communication, some of them are cultural  differences. Some of them are linguistic differences. There are all kinds of real world  differences. Some of those differences relate to body language and how we posture ourselves  when we communicate. And we need to be aware that, that there are a lot of things that get  in the way or inhibit communication for being effective. Especially in this this technology  world that we live in. Sometimes, when when you try to communicate via email or via Twitter  or via Facebook. Sometimes when we communicate, things just don't come out the way we  intended them to come out. Sometimes, what we say, gets misconstrued gets misinterpreted, because of the venue that we're using in order to communicate. So there are real world  barriers that prevent that get in the way of healthy communication. And so we're going to  spend some time in this lecture, examining some of those, some of those issues and in  particular, we're going to focus on providing you with with some tools or frameworks that I  believe will help you to overcome some of those barriers in the context of communicating in  the real world. So what I like to do, to get all of these up on the screen, is we're going to talk  about a tool that we call from from debate, to dialogue. And this particular concept of debate,  the dialogue actually comes out of the world of, of systems thinking. And gentleman by the  name of Peter Senge, who was a professor at MIT, did a lot of work from his, he wrote a big  thick book called The Fifth Discipline Field Book. And a lot of these cons to a particular this  concept will come out of that particular work. And what this shows is that there are different  ways to communicate. And we call this again, from debate, to dialog. And what I'm going to  do is I'm going to walk through these, one after the other, explore and examine the benefits,  and we're going to find them. But after we define them, we're going to look at the benefits of  these different communication approaches, as well as some of the limitations that are  involved. So at least you'll have a different sense of the different ways in which people  communicate, and where these are most appropriately utilized. So let us transition now to  look at what we mean by debate. Well, let me ask you, before I put the definition up there,  what do you think about when you hear the word debate? I'm willing to bet that perhaps the  first thing that you think about is a political debate, because especially in our country, again,  I'm in the United States, I'm not exactly sure where some of all the you are, but but just think  about that, that debate is where you have these political debates where where you have the  Democrats and Republicans on one side and, and they are hashing out their political views.  And in in, in our country, every year during a presidential election, we have major debates  where all the candidates are up, and and there's a moderator. And the moderator feels these 

questions and each person has an allotment of time to present his or her position or point and and they go back and forth. And so I'm almost sure that automatically came to mind, because that's what happens when most people think about debates. Well, my favorite movie is a  movie called The Great Debaters. And is this about an African American debate team, a real  life African American debate team that actually won a debate championship game, I think it  was Harvard. I can't remember all the fine details of it right now. But he was a Harvard or at  Yale that this little small, predominantly black college, had a debate team and they warned  that debate. That year, they became a national debaters is an incredible movie. And so if you  have not watched the movie, The Great Debaters, I commend it to you. It is a fascinating  movie. And I think you again, you enjoy it a whole lot. But but let's return back to the lecture  real quick. As we think about the word debate, the definition of debate in his literal form,  means to beat down or to argue with an unmovable point of view. Generally speaking, this  interview certainly may apply in most cases, but what I like to think about debate, debate is  obviously it says to beat down but I don't want you to get the idea. That debate is about  beating down. With when we talk about debate and to beat down. What this definition has in  mind here is the beating down of ideas. True debate is about ideas. Not about attacking an  individual person. In logic, we call that ad homonyms. That is a personal attack. Since I've  been a Christian, I really have an affinity toward Christian philosophy as well as apologetics.  And one of the things that I've learned in apologetics and having taken logic and, and all of  that is that if you if you cannot argue the point, you'll find out if a person really has a port or  not, if they start attacking a person's character, and so the whole adage is that if you don't  have an argument, attack the person. And we see that a lot in the course of political  discourse, or when people have a different position, as opposed to arguing their point. And  attacking the person, they start talking about the person bring up something about the  character, or they may say something about a family member or say something else about a  person that is not very, that's not very dot honouring. But when dealing with true debate, the  thing I want you to remember is that true debate is about ideas. It is about ideas. And where  you have one person presenting his position, another person presenting their position, you  get all of the ideas out on the table. And the best idea wins. That's what debate is all about.  So as we see here, that the goal of debate is to win, it's not so much about winning in beating up people. The idea is about the winning of the argument. In other words, the best idea that  that's on the table is the idea that we go with the benefit of of debate is that multiple  positions are on the table, and all different points of view, are able to so you look at all points  of view to make a point, that's what I really was trying to communicate. So so each point gets  an opportunity to be placed on the table again, in a real form of debate. One side takes one  position, the other side takes the other position. They they make their argument, they make  their case, then the other person counters to make their point. So you get multiple positions  on the table. And that is true and true debate style. True debate is very healthy, is something  that we all want to engage in. But But tragically, I think today's debate has a bad word. It has  a bad connotation, but But it should not be that way. Because debate is about ideas. debate is about man, you put your position out there, I put my position out there. And the best idea  wins. And could be just as simple as the idea about where we're going to go on vacation. And  so you you debate, you get the multiple positions on the table about where we're going to go  on vacation, and what's going to be the best way to do it, your wife may have or have a port,  your children may have a position on but to get all the ideas on the table, and you decide,  and you may do your your cost benefit analysis and where you say, well, let's do this. This is  the advantage of board to the floor. Over a going against Michigan, I don't know where it is  that you may be going, just just put it all out there on the table, get all the ideas out, and  these persons argue their ports, and then a decision is made. So the bait can be very healthy  and beneficial. The limitation of the bait is that it produced winners and losers, losers. But  again, the idea here is not so much that the person is losing is the idea that has lost there's a  better idea. Not that again, we're attacking the person that the person necessarily has lost.  But we produce winners and losers as relates to ideas. Let's talk about polite discussion. Polite discussion is another form of communication. And when we think about the light discussion,  the classic definition of polite discussion is to beat around or to keep things at a surface level. 

I remember a number of years ago, I was in Houston, Texas. My my sister in law lives in  Houston. And and ordinarily when the when I go to towns where there are people that I know I tried to connect with some of them and try to stay connected and so I call my sister Laura  Hey, you want to do lunch? And she said yes. And we went to I can't remember what  restaurant it was but I think it was a Applebee's but, but what it really doesn't matter which  restaurant it was, just so you'll know is that we had last week we sat down, the hostess  brought us to our table and brought us silverware. And for whatever reason, the the waitress  came, I'm sorry, the hostess came back then she started telling us all of these intricate details about her personal life. Now, we just met her. All we knew was her first name. But the next  thing we knew, we knew about her failed marriage, we knew about her ex husband, and all  the anger and hostility that she had toward him and how bad he was as a husband. And we  were sitting there looking at ourselves, like, wow, how did we get here? We had just met her.  Now, you might say, Well, what's that got to do with polite discussion? Well, my point is, is  that that really wasn't a polite discussion. Because we had just met her. And ordinarily, when  you meet someone for the first time, you really don't go real deep. You kind of surfacey in  your conversations, because you really don't know them, you kind of talk about things like  well, how's the weather, where you're from. And you may ask, if you're married, or how many  kids that you have, but But generally, you don't go real deep with people you first meet, you  gotta break the ice, and you want to get to know people. So again, you find common themes,  things to talk about. It could be that you walk into a coffee shop, and you see someone  reading a book and you miss a, hey, hey, what book is that you're reading. And they may tell  you about the book. And so you just engage in small talk. That's what polite discussion is all  about. Because you really don't know the person that you are talking about. And I'm sorry, the person that you're talking to. So when you think about the goal of polite discussion, polite  discussion has at its goal is to avoid threat or discomfort. When my sister in law and I were, or talking to that depresses lady at that restaurant, trust me, we didn't feel threatened, but we  were uncomfortable. We felt rather dis competent, because we did not know her. And for her  to just kind of unload on us in that particular setting, when all we were trying to do was have  lunch kind of get caught up with one another. It wasn't the appropriate place for us to be  engaging in that kind of conversation, because we really did not know her. So, so polite  discussion has his place. And again, the goal is to to avoid threat. And discomfort. The benefit of polite discussion is that it allows space and time to develop the friendship and to build  trust. So, so when you first meet someone, polite discussion is appropriate. I know in the  context of the work that we do with DeVos, or with leadership initiative, we we have a cohort  model and and every 15 months, we bring new people in our program. And the people who  were in that cohort, for the most part, don't know one another. They've just met one another.  And so the interactions that they have with each other at the beginning or at the beginning of the program is polite discussion. And that's okay, because we want we provide a space for  them to get to know one another. And so polite discussion allows you to engage people, not at a deep level, but at a level enough to where you can begin to build trust and and have small  talk with one another. And then in time as the relationship deepens, and there's more trust,  then you're able to move on to the next level of constructive communication, which we'll talk  about in just a second. But understand this, there is a limitation of skill discussion, I'm sorry,  polite discussion, and that is important things don't get said. And that is because it's not the  appropriate place or time for it. And so that's okay, an understanding that and what we mean  by important things really is really deep things. deep, intimate things and details about  another person's life really don't get at this stage. And so there is a proper place for polite  discussion. So just want you to know that as a tool. debate has is probably Workplace polite  discussion has his proper place. Now, let's move on to a third type of communication and it is  called skilled discussion. A definition of skilled discussion is to seek to tell the truth, to seek  and to tell the truth is about planning is about problem solving, skill discussion, goal is to act  effectively together. Now, right away, you may be thinking that sounds very familiar, because  this is what you do in the context of a group. Typically, skill discussions can happen with, with  two people, but but more often than not, skill discussion takes place in the context of groups.  And you need skill discussion in the context of a group in order for the group to work 

effectively. And the goal, again, is to seek to tell the truth, to plan and to problem solve. The  benefit of skill discussion is that it produces good decisions and planned and it maximizes  here, again, group productivity. So, when you're in a staff meeting, or a planning meeting, or  any other kind of meeting that you might have skill discussion is what you really want to be  engaged in, you want people seeking and telling the truth, you want people to express their  opinions about what's going on, whether it's dealing with a project, a new venture that you're  about to embark upon, you want individuals to feel comfortable to be able to seek to tell the  truth. So then in your planning, all the ideas get out on the table. I know, on the our staff, the  staff that I'm a part of, we engage in this all the time. And we created a culture that  encourages each member of our staff to seek to tell the truth, so that our planning and our  problem solving can be highly efficient and productive. So our goal is to act collectively  together for the common good of the advancement of this project is plan that we have. So we are trying to work good together. And again, the benefit is that it produces good decisions and plans, and it maximizes group productivity. However, there's a limitation of skill discussion.  And that is that it requires everyone's input. It requires everyone's commitment, everyone's  participation. So this is something that you definitely have to work at in the context of a  group. And there has to be a level of trust, where individual members of your group do not  feel that they're going to be attacked, by expressing themselves opening. So you have to  build a culture that allows people to be able to speak their minds about a given plan,  whatever it is that you may be trying to accomplish and do. So you want to have these  multiple ideas on the table as you plan and problem solve. So again, it requires everyone's  input everyone's commitment, in order to be able to do that. Now, as we transition to our final type of communication, this one we call a dialogue. And again, most of you are very familiar  with the word dialogue. We use it in different ways in different capacities, in the context of  Mesa, whether we want to have a dialogue with one with someone. But as we think about the  real, what I want to emphasize here is as you think about dialogue, dialogue has the idea that there's meaning flowing from you, to me, the dialogue is at a real deep level, is not only do I  hear what you are saying, I also tap into the emotion behind what you say. Then the idea  behind dialogue, again, is a youth dialogue is very, very empathetic. In other words, you're  stepping into the shoes of the other person when you engage in meaningful dialogue. So in  order for you really to engage in meaningful dialogue, you have to kind of step into the shoes  of the other person to see things through their eyes. But it doesn't mean that you necessarily  have to agree with their position, but it does mean that you at least understand where they  are coming from. Hence the idea of meaning flowing from one to the other. And, but but  here's the deal, you can't engage in dialogue if you haven't totally bought in to the other  person. So now I'd like you to imagine, my wife comes to me and said, Honey, we need to  have a talk, we need to have a series Matt, I need to talk to you about. And, and, and I have a book in my hand, just so you know, I'm a reader, I love to read books. And as a matter of fact,  I read about, on average, two to three books a month. That's my goal, I just love to read. I'm  still tethered to the paper books. If you're into the technology, if you like reading on your  tablet, that's fine. But but I'm kind of a traditionalist when it comes to that I like just reading  the, like reading a good heart book, you know, I like reading books. And so for me, if I was  sitting, reading a book, and my wife comes in and say, Can we talk and accept course. But I  never put the book down. And I tell my wife, as she says, are you listening to me? And I said,  Yes, I'm listening to you. As a woman, you can't be listening to me because you are still  reading the book. And then if I, if I just kind of laid a book on my chest, or turn the book over,  am I really still listening? Am I quite entered into dialog? Well, not really. In order for me to  really enter into dialogue with my wife, in that particular setting, I need to put the book aside, turn to my wife, engage her face to face. So let's talk. And then my goal is to listen very  intensively to my ear, to the emotions of what she's saying, so that I understand where she is  coming from. Now, again, it doesn't mean that I agree, necessarily what my wife is saying.  But I very empathetically, step into her shoes. While I try to understand her point of view,  that's what dialogue is all about. And the goal of dialogue is to deepen, shared, understanding the rest of our lives, honey, I understand where you're coming from. I truly understand again,  the goal isn't to agree. But I do understand. We miss that a lot in our nation today when 

people are are fighting with one another. And people are not able to sit down and understand  the position of the other person. Right now just like we all about just attacking, attacking,  attacking. And all I want is for my opposition to be heard. No, it's a really to understand where the other person is coming from. Again, the goal is not to agree necessarily with the person  position. But can you at least empathize with where they're coming from. That's what  dialogue is all about. But, but I'm worried that in our nation in our country, that's not where  we are. The benefit of constructive communication, this particular constructive  communication called dialogue, it helps everyone to understand again, complex situations,  different points of view, and it leads to deeper understanding. And then I like the latter part,  respect and action. You know, as Christians, we have to respect our fellow man. We don't  have to always agree with our fellow man. But I believe God has a mandate on our hearts,  that we respect one another. That's where dialogue is all about. So, this is this is  communicating at at a very deep level here, again, and I'm really emphasizing that is not  about agreeing, as it is about understanding the other person's point of view. But now there  are obviously limitations to this. The limitation of dialogue that it takes More time, it takes  time to sit down to listen to someone else. Position, it takes time to sit down, to listen to your  child or your teenager who is hurting, it takes time to listen to, again, a person who may have been heard or a person who is frustrated about something, it takes time, in this fast paced,  hustle bustle, microwave society that we live in, it takes time to engage in meaningful  dialogue, which is why so many of us don't do it. But I believe I'm convicted that as a  Christian, as a follower of Jesus, Jesus made time to hear people, Jesus may time to hear the  pains of people, I believe is Wow, with when the Pharisees brought, the woman caught in  adultery. And when and after Jesus wrote on the ground and asked, says he without sin, let  him cast the first stone. And he never looked up. And then when he stood up, he looked at the woman as a woman where thou accuses, and there was no one else there. But in a very  compassionate way, Jesus says, Go and sin no more, goes in no more. He understood the  deep hurt that she had gone through. And that even though he spoke the truth to her, he did  it in a way that honored her dignity and honored her humanity. That's what dialogue. Again,  dialogue is about understanding, not about agreeing. And so as we just kind of recap here, as  we bring this, this, this, this lesson to a close, we looked at the different types, or approaches  to communication, we looked at debate, and we've looked at skilled, polite discussion, we  looked at skill discussions, and we have looked at dialogue, all of these different types of  communications are valid. And they are applicable in different situations, different settings,  the challenge tool for you is to be able to go out and practice these and apply these in these  different settings. What I hope you don't do is, is take this information into your head, and it  just stays in your head, I'm telling you to go out and apply this, go out and practice dialogue,  go out and practice skill discussion the next time you have a group and see what happens.  Because it really doesn't make a difference because all you do is just take this information in  me don't apply it, you don't do anything with it. So I'm throwing down the gauntlet and I'm  this is a challenge that you do something with this great information. So, so real quick again,  by summary, as we look at this on this on this continuum, as we see here, from debate and  polite discussion, these two are more conventional. In other words, people use these more  often than not, this is what people are most comfortable with. And these are easier to engage  in skilled discussion and dialogue tends to be more until the sources of group thought and  bring them to the surface again, these are more conventional get used more often than not.  Quads a little bit more skill in using these not as conventional In other words, it's not  something that you use every single day in every single context, skill, discussion and dialogue have a will good sources to be used in group settings. So summary. Whatever we learn, we  always want to kind of pause and reflect and ask the question, what have we learned as we  bring things to a close? Well, number one, one point that we've learned is that constructive  communication is essential to group performance. So if you want your group to perform at a  high level, it is important for you to put into practice and to implement these skills that center around constructive communication Secondly, you need to understand that approaches to  communication are varied. There are different ones again, remember debate, skill, discussion, polite discussion, dialogue, communication approaches are very varied. And it all depends on 

the situation and setting that you find yourself in, you have to be, you have to become very  skilled again, and knowing what communication approach to use in a different situation that  you find yourself in. Also remember that whatever approach, whatever approach to  communication, there are not only benefits, but there are also limitations to each one of  these, you need to be aware of those because not being aware of the benefits and limitations  will will in some way inhibit you being as effective as you possibly can be in utilizing these  different approaches to communication. And now, as always, as we were proud to close out.  Take a minute to, to pray. If you bow your heads with me as we close in prayer, gracious God,  I want to thank you again for this opportunity to to share these important principles around  effective communication and in this case, these different approaches to communication. I  Bless my dear brothers and sisters who have joined me in this lesson. And I pray that you will  help them to apply these approaches to communication in the different ministries, to apply  them in their homes, to apply them in, in whatever area that you have called them into  ministry that will help them to become better husbands better fathers and to become better  ministers of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I give You praise. I give your honor. And I give you  glory. In Jesus name, amen. God bless you