Video Transcript: Influence Wrecking Habits 1.1

Hi, I'm Henry Reyenga, one of the professors of our influence smart class. And with me is  Professor Steve Elzinga. I'm excited about this class, because I see over my ministry, and I  see meeting with a lot of very influential leaders. How important influence really is. Why is it important? Well, okay, so yesterday, I'll start with a story. And then we can talk about that. Yesterday, I was at a mental health banquet. And I met at our table a mental health, health professional, who has spent his life helping people through depression, and suicidal issues and so forth. And he and I say, well, what's the most important thing you've learned in your last 25 years of working? So? Well, we used to cloister people. So we would take them out to  a nice retreat, and hopefully that will do it. But we found that didn't really work very well. And  then we would get them to do like, some small project, maybe an activity, thinking that that  purpose or activity would help them feel better. But now we've learned that it's about keeping  them in their life, but helping them have a little influence, like a little influence, and purpose,  go a long way. And I said to him, Does this mean that they'll even get off some of the drugs  and medications? And oh, yeah, he lit up, it changes everything about them, which is just  really, it's the spiritual dream, right? We ask people, we've literally asked the hundreds and  1000s of people all over the world, what's your spiritual dream? And remember what the two  answers are? People give a God answer. But they give people answer, which is influence  right? People want to make a difference in their lives of their kids, their spouse, their friends,  people at church people that they work alongside with. Ultimately, people want to make a  difference in the lives of somebody on the on the time that they have on this planet. So it  doesn't surprise me that this is a good way to help someone you know, dealing with  depression or what other mental issues that someone is dealing with. If you have a sense of  I'm actually making a difference. That's what influence is then it does something for you. Just  think about the ministry topics. Think about evangelism is influence. A sermon preaching,  there's influence discipleship and parenting? Yeah, right, right. I mean, any friendships don't  become meaningful when friends, you know, we've been friends a long time. And we ended  up influencing what we do, we do the friendship level, at the church level on now, a program  that we have at Christian leaders Institute is the life coach, Minister, right, and how to coach  others to be more successful, right, as leaders or people. So you might be taking this class,  this one credit class on how to influence and it might be so that you can be a better influence  in your own ministry. Or you can try to teach people in your church how to have a better  influence, or you want to be a life coach. And this is one of the areas or one of the badges, we call it a specialized topic area that you want to help people. So as we go through this course,  we're going to try to add little hints about how you can use it in your coaching, but it can be  used really, in any area of your life. Right, right. I wish I would have had this class when I  started ministry, because many of the principles and the ideas here are things I learned in a  lifetime. I mean, now they're in books, like by John Maxwell is a whole bunch of books. And,  you know, we've taken these principles and distilled them into, from or distilled them into  principles based upon the book of Proverbs. Okay, so, so a lot of the influence behind his  class, many of the different books, really authors that have already talked about these  subjects. But also, they all stole it from the book of Proverbs, yeah, in a lot of ways. I mean, in some ways, the wisdom, you think about the King Solomon, and, you know, the writing of that, that the young leaders would do well. And many of these principles are about influence,  people influence and how to be a person of integrity and leadership. So in this class, we're  going to be looking at influence wrecking habits. Okay, so these are the negative things that  we sometimes do that, that keep us from influencing others. And of course, we're going to be  then talking about the positive thing that you can do, to not do the wrecking habits. How do  you get positive influence habits? And really, we're just going to do some random ones, right? We're just taking different proverbs and talking about different subject. And so, you know, as a

life coach, you might be looking through these things. And then how you would help someone  is you would help someone identify three or four or five or six of the things that they're doing  that wreck their influence. And then how do you positively change that sounds right. Now as  you go through this course, I recommend that you first look at yourself. I remember when my  wife and I went through this, we went through with a professor Elzinga. And I'm thinking to  myself, do I do that? And then I said, Do Pam, my wife, you know, which one do you think that I do? The influence wrecking habits the most and share a few opinions. Every you do this? Or admit to some of them when we get to some of mine. But what about you and maybe writing  some of yours down? So that you can say, Lord, help me become more influential for Christ? Well, you want to start here, we're not walking with God. Whoa. That's an influence issue. I  think that's when many people think that's just a personal connection to God issue. We have  Proverbs 26, better a poor man whose walk is blameless, that a rich man whose ways are  perverse. It's interesting to me that the early Christians were called people of the way. That's  right. I mean, he could have called them people of God, they could have called them  Christians, that's what we do today. But they would have called people of a way, because  these people were known to be living differently. There's a distinctiveness about the  distinctive, and basically the way was how they treated people, or the influence that they had. And we think that, you know, your biggest influence that you have on other people, is when  you actually have something worth influencing. Right? I mean, if you're a lazy person with no  purpose, or meaning, or connection to anything, then how are you going to have influence  over anyone, but if you're walking with a God, who created this universe, and everything in it,  and you're talking to him, and you're reading the Word of God, you're looking for God's will in  your life, and then God shows up in your life, you actually have something to share with  somebody. So if you're going to be influenced, influencing other people, you really have to  have a walk with God. In some ways we are the channel of his peace we are, we walk it out in the power of the Holy Spirit that lives in us radiates. So the essence of influence for a  Christian is the relationship the walk with God we have, right. And it really takes, I think a lot  of maybe a lot of you or a certainly a lot of the people that you try to help a lot of people think  that they're not qualified to have influence over people. Right? Influence is for leaders. Right? I think John Maxwell talks about that. Influence is for leadership is influence. And I think a lot  of people look at themselves and go on well i'm not a leader, therefore I'm not an influence  person. Right? And it's because you're looking at who you are, and saying, I don't know, I  mean, I'm not talented enough, I'm not good looking enough. No, if you Have a walk with  God, then God is in you. And he has gifts and abilities and a purpose for you, you're on this  planet for a reason. So it's getting in touch with who God is in you, that empowers you and  gives you the confidence to be the influence person that you could be. I've also noticed as a  minister, or as a Christian leader, when people find out that you are a minister. There's even a little hidden expectation that, oh, this is a person who walks with the God of this Bible, this  Christianity, and then that walk is actually welcomed by many people, even people who are  not even connected to the Lord. Right? They think you may just have something that they  don't. That's influential, right? So let's let's start talking again. They're very random. They're  out of the book of Proverbs. So why don't we get going with more putting strings attached to favors? Interesting. What do you mean by that? Well, some of the literature talks about this. And in Proverbs, it says in verse, our chapter 11, verse 18, the wicked man earns deceptive  wages. But he uses those righteousness reaps ashore reward. What happens sometimes is  as a leader or as a person, you grant a favor, let's say, you see somebody you know,  somewhere in the neighborhood and you give them a $20 bill, and you know, the kids really  happy the young person's really happy about it. And then Two weeks later, you see that young person they say, you know, Hey, would you do that? And that person's it's inconvenient right 

now. He's going to a soccer game, but he just got $20 from you in the past. So then you say,  No, did I give you $20? You know, you call that customer service. And then, you know, the kid  does that he's late for the game. And, and here, you're you were a leader, they highly prized. But now the next week, that tangible thing was, you could have said to him, Hey, do you have  time to do something around here? And if he said, No, I don't know if that type of thing if you  start multiplying as a pastor or a minister, where it's sort of like keeping track of I did this good for me, you do this gives me it really depletes your influence. saying like, Okay, I, I'm, in a  way, disguising my favor. Really a wage? I'm saying, I'm going to do for you, Henry, but it's  going to cost you later. And so I'm giving the impression that I'm giving you something that I  think the deceptive. I mean, if you came to someone and said, Look, you do this for me, I pay  you $20 I do this for you. Right, pay me $20. It's just a nice exchange, that is a transaction. And it's clear, right? This really is saying, you're saying you're giving a gift, but you're really  giving an obligation? Yes. And eventually people catch on to that. And then every time they  meet you, it's like, Okay, what does Henry want from me? What angle? What angle does he  hit? What are the angles, the height. So I guess that whole deceptive thing. So that is an area that hurts someone's influence. Making yourself the center of every story I've been attempting to do. So you're talking and you share. Maybe you share your victories, your wins. But you  but many times you share your losses, what you feel a victim about. Either way, you come off  the star of your own sitcom, write your own little story. And of course, we do that, of course,  you tell stories, and you're the star of your story. Or it somehow comes back to you. I think  what this is talking about is when you're always doing, it's all about you. It's every every story  that you tell us about you. And every story makes you look like even similar stories makes you look bad. You're doing it to make yourself look humble. You know, I learned you see how  awesome I am I even fail and I lost that. And so if you make yourself the center of everything,  eventually people don't want to follow that, because they know really is just about you. Right? That your concern your thoughts are about you? And how would we what would be the  positive on this well in trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own  understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. As I  see that proverb, I really see that when you need to be the star of every story, you know, in  your narrative, and how you look at the world. I think it starts to move away from your walk  with God. And many times people do that. You know, I know, preachers, who when they  preach every illustration when they have an illustration and about, you know, what, what they  learned in that time with God. And eventually that gets hard to listen to, right? Because, again, if you want to have influence on someone else, I want to help you know, where's my focus? My focus is on you. Right? I'm trying to help you. That's what influence is, I'm trying to  influence you to something good. But when I'm always telling stories about myself, the focus  is on me. So you can't influence on someone else. When you're, you're really just trying to  build up your own self esteem and you go out of the meeting going. I feel really good. Right? And you've helped influence yourself, right, but not the other person. Here's one very practical one, using social media or blogs to tear people down Now why do people want to tear people  down? What what do you gain or what's the why do we do that? Well, I think sometimes  people do because they feel the righteous cause and this is how they do it. So they look, you  know, I've got to take that person down to my causes more worthy. I think sometimes people  just see that's what everybody does, and they just copy. Yeah, a lot of people just do this. I  think two people to know I think inherently everyone feels a little insecure. And we're all  looking for our own self esteem. Am I somebody Am I noticed I walk out the room? Do people  think I'm cool? Where do I fit? And so I think a lot of times we put people down, especially  when they're not there to defend themselves, right? Because it makes us look better. I mean,  if you're lower, I just go a little higher. And I'm feeling low. So the way to do that is to put 

people down. And then social, I think social media is, is the new way to make it more public  and to have people join in with you. Yeah, you need to gather others, right. I've seen that with  marriages, let's say, meeting with a couple for dinner. And then their marriage is a disaster. They're always fighting. And they're always making points to each other. Or if there's no jugs  in the room, then you go out with them. And all sudden, each one of them is trying to get you  to agree with them. You see how he is. And I think that's what the social media does is like,  I'm going to talk to all kinds of people who think like me, and I'm going to slant the whole  thing. So that I get people commenting. Yes, you're right. That's horrible. That's not how could your boss treat you that way. And so people are, I think, slanting the story on social media. So they get all their friends patting them on the back. But ultimately, if you do that, okay, so  what's the negative about that? What how could this come back and bite you in terms of your  leadership and your influence? Well, it says in Proverbs 13, verse 17, a wicked messenger  falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing. I think it comes down to people who  are always dissing other on social media ultimately, are not trusted. Right? And why you  think? Well, I think that trusted because will you turn on me? Yeah. If you're willing to diss that friend you're talking about on a social platform, right? You know, right now, I'm talking to you,  and we're getting along. But what if I do something stupid to you? Right? And then you will do  the same to me that I've seen you do? I'm not gonna share your opinion in English phrase,  folks, you're always on alert that this person is not trustworthy, right? And that hurts influence. You know, even sometimes people have like little guarded, like, it's like a little disc. But it's  only to a small number of people on social media. But you know, they mean, you, right? So  you know, all these things are all hurt your influence. When you think about that one's making  someone listen to you when they're not interested in what you're talking about. Now, this was  written in a lot of the literature and you know, even a fool it says in Proverbs 17:28 is thought  wise in discerning if he holds his tongue. So why don't we talk with, you know, when people  are not interested, why would we keep talking? Sometimes our ego, we want them to get  interested, we're interested, we're hoping that maybe if we say the right thing, long enough,  somebody walks in Spark. I mean, that's the good side. Yes. Okay. I think to some people will  talk on and on and on. And they're just not even aware that persons not interested. And the  reason why they're not aware is, is they're telling their thing and saying they're saying, again,  the focus is on myself, I'm enjoying telling you all about this. I'm feeling good about it. I'm looking smart about whatever I'm talking about, because I'm waxing eloquent about  something I know. And I'm so absorbed with me, me, me. Me and how I'm feeling about it, that I don't  even notice that your eyes are glazing over. And I think that's really, you know, what's going  on, people aren't even aware of that person. Right? And how do you do that? How do you  become a more aware? Mind, you are a pretty strong listener? I think part of it is, is, is if  you're stuck in that, and the reason why people then don't follow is a person, right? If you're  going on and on telling me all kinds of stuff, and I'm giving all the signals, I can just say I'm  not interested, right, and you don't see it. What that tells me is you're so self absorbed you,  you're not even paying attention to me, you don't even know what I'm thinking. You're just  talking for the sake of talking. Right? So it's hard to get out of that because of self absorbed  person is self absorbed. Right? Right. And the only way that they're going to get out of that is  for someone to stop and say, You know I have a friend who does that he waxes eloquent on  stuff that goes on like hunting and so on. I tell I tell him straight out I'm not interested in I've  done it a few times is never grabbed ahold of me. And he's going into details about bullets  and ballistics and on and on I reiterate, really not interested enough. I mean, you can tell me  in general and as a friend, I'll listen to some degree small amount. But I don't care about the  details. that I won't understand any of that anyway. And he just goes on and on. Right? Well,  at some point, I interrupt him and I say, you are just talking for your sake. Okay. I haven't said 

a word in 15 minutes. That's a good indication that I'm not really interested. And it's all right  now about you, if you want a conversation, you and a friendship, there has to be a little bit  about me. Right? So then he stops and goes, Okay, so what do you want to talk about? So  

does so I don't know of any other way than to just tell someone straight up, right? That look,  you can't just go on and on and on. I did it for a while I listened for a while, but I can't do it for  ever you know, I, I think I was guilty of this when I joined those local country club to even, you  know, identify people that could possibly support Christian Leaders Institute. When I first got  there, I know a guy that didn't want to be him and know who Christian Leaders Institute was  all your stuff. And, and I can see some people that I was way too enthusiastic too early, when  I was there, right. So you told him everything about CLI maybe before you knew enough  about telling stories, and being a desert is sort of half and half. I listened to all your stuff. And  he listened to my stuff. Right? So you had to really like listen for a while. And what I have  learned now is to be much more engaging with what they're interested in. And then little, just  little hints of, in some of them do not know the Lord yet. So that was the other thing. I was  like, to me, minister, and sharing, and I almost shared Christ too fast or too early in the  relationship in some cases. Now, since that time, I've tried to by prayer peripherally, move that around, and honestly, I needed some coaching, I think that I asked one of the people at the  club, how I was received, and this person's not believer in Christ, but I just, and this person  runs a pretty large business has coaching skills. So I submitted myself, so you know, from an  outside, look, how do you see what I do on this topic. And then he really said four or five  things, and I'm working on it. It's amazing how you got a plan worked on it, how much  improved it is now, right? So that's the coaching aspect, let's say you have someone that  you're working with, and they identify, this is what I do. Now the coaching pieces to sort of  make a plan. Okay? How are we going to in the next week, or the next two weeks? How we're going to not do this? So let's come up with a strategy. So now you sit down and help them  come up? Well, you would ask the guy well, can you think of ways to overcome this? Right? Well, you know, now he has to think, and you know, I want to give him the answer. But he has to again, coaching is trying to help someone figure out their own answers. And if you keep  pushing long enough, they may come up with well, okay, I'm gonna keep track of the  conversations I have over the next two weeks. And my goal is to first listen to at least one  story of theirs. Before I give one story of mine, right, and I'm gonna keep that balance, I can't. Or if I take five minutes, I have to now, listen for 5 minutes, provide some kind of strategy to  overcome this thing. Because otherwise, we just keep doing what we do, right? And what  happens is, is you start talking about what you're interested in, and I interrupt you, and I use  what you just said, as a springboard to tell my story about whatever you just said, right? So  again, it's about me, me, me, me. And whenever you talk too much about yourself. This is  what happens people lose interest. People get energized when they're talking. very much  related to this almost exactly related is being self absorbed in conversation, right? A generous man will prosper. Now, generosity is when you're giving to someone else. Right? that about  you. He who refreshes others, will himself be refreshed. So if I listened to you, and I'm  generous with the amount of time that we're talking, and I listen to your stories, and I respond  to your stories, and I add little Oh, that's interesting. I've never heard that before. I get that  back in return. Yeah. So we want it. Sometimes we just go and grab it, right instead of giving it first. So well. This was our first presentation. And we have many principles of how to be more  influential by looking at those influence wrecking habits. So thank you for being part of part  number one. All right.