Video Transcript: Influence Wrecking Habits 1.2

Welcome back to influence, wrecking habits. I'm Henry Reyenga, and with me is Steve Elzinga Your professors for this class, and let's get right into it, and oh, not walking with God as well,  we do. And I actually have them in every one because there's a reflection on walk with God. And a point about influencing that made me connect together. Many people, Steve, write  books about self help. And in the peoplesmart area, in the influence area is sort of written  from the perspective of learn this principle to influence so that you can get ahead, make more money, be more effective at leading your organization, and so forth. So it's almost like how to  manipulate your friends and Christians wonder about the book like how to influence what's  that famous book, How to Make Friends and Influence People? So they would have a little  weird number I did a Bible study in that years ago. And we use the book in use the Bible, and  some were very critical. Why are we even studying this book in our church? Right? So  sometimes, the topic pushes God out of the topic, and we're trying to make sure God is  always at the center of it. Or you might have influenced but it's not God influence. Right? Right. So the principles of influence, probably because they're in the Proverbs, which is a book that really is talking about general wisdom to do well, in the life God has given you. But with a walk, that's the energy for it. All. Right, it's the foundation. So anyway, let's then get into  some of the principles, not being at peace with yourself taking yourself too seriously. Interesting, why would that take your influence away? I don't know, Henry, you wrote it? Well,  one of the things that, you know, heart at peace gives life to the body, but in the rest of the  bone. Have you ever met someone who had just a habit of just always, you know, restless,  you know, not really sure what they want, or they go the opposite way they take themselves  So seriously, that boy, any subject that they get into is so serious, and there's this is if there's  something unsettled inside of, I think there's a lot of people who are not at peace with  themselves. And they're always looking at others and what they have and what they don't  have that envy rots to the bone, and you're not at peace, when you you're constantly looking  at someone else, they have a better car, they have a better family, they have a better job and make more money, and you're always looking at what other people are doing. You're not at  peace with yourself, and understanding who God made you to be working on your gifts and  abilities. And then the situation God has put you in, you might not have the best marriage or  best family, but you have the one that God gave you. Because God thinks in the end, maybe  you're the one to make this better. And someone else is gifted as you are. So they have an  easier family. We don't know in God's economy, how this is going to go. So people, they're not at peace with themselves. And then they take themselves so seriously that, again, I think it's  the focus on self. You know, like, I'm what it's all about. One book said that a influential person is happy in their skin. Okay. Not to think they're perfect. But God is working on me. And I'm  satisfied with his work within me. Right? Right. And I'm not, you know, I'm not all I could be,  but I am what I am right now. And that's all good. And a lot of times is tends to go to  perfectionism. You know, or then, and then who wants to be around someone who's always on pins and needles, that you're not living up to their standard, right? You're, you're critical about yourself, and then you're critical about everything around you, and who wants to be around  that? Number two, or three, I guess, talking negatively about your spouse. People do that. I  mean, you know what I'm talking about and you've been around if a break room someplace or at a church, and all of a sudden somebody launches in about their husband or about their  wife. And in sometimes maybe you're having a bad day, you know, again, this is habitual  habits. But there are some people who just don't let that go. But it in some ways is an  opportunity. I mean, when someone is talking negatively about their spouse, my coaching hat  sort of It comes on in that that's an indication that there's some unhappiness there. And this  is my chance to listen. I just had that experience a couple of weeks ago with a bunch of guys,  we went on a retreat. And it was a playing pickleball retreat. It was some Christians or non  Christians, we up till 1:30 In the morning, and all of sudden we started talking about our  marriages. It turns out, everyone in the room had a horrible marriage, right? Every one of  them and then one guy was going on, they don't sleep in the same room, they don't talk to  each other. They don't do anything if I looked at him, and I said, is that the way you want to  be? Right? And he's for a minute he was like I finally said, I guess, right. And that's a coaching thing. See, I what I wanted to say to, you know, your marriage doesn't have to be that way. In 

Christ resolve. I've seen marriages like yours who were just like you, and then they turned it  around. And with a little bit of work, that's what I wanted to do. What I did is the coaching  thing, what do you want? Right? And it's risky? Because I don't know what he's gonna say. But because he thought about it. I guess I'm not happy. Right? So what do you want to do? Right? See, that's the coaching. What do you want to do about it? So when someone is complaining  negatively about the spouse, this is a great, whether the guy has come to you for a coaching  or not, there is a time where you could slide into that coaching thing. Now on this one, What's  difficult is a complicated world that we live in, whatever you are out of the divorce. Now,  you've come to the Lord, you have this history. And then somebody says, are you married  George? And, you know, I'm divorced. So I mean, this is on one level in marriage, or when  you're in your family, it's one thing but many of you understand that you how do you talk  about a failure that maybe you and your spouse experience? It goes back to it wasn't my fault was, those are all really important things. And if for those of you who are divorced, this is a  prayerful consideration that you might need life coaching about so that you can come to a  place where a generous heart rules, not a bitter spirit. And I think to in order to step back, if  you want to influence people, you want to be a leader. And what people see you as negatively talking about your spouse. How Why would I follow you as a leader, right? You're seeing now if you were talking about your spouse, and the challenge you had with your spouse, and you  were going, you know, my spouse doesn't like to do this. And I do. But here's what we're  trying to do about it. Right? See that I see a positive person who's solution orientated. And  he's, he's trying to fix things, right. I want to follow a guy like that, right? A guy that is just  pointing out all the problems in life. And my family and my kids. Why would I have another  year? In the victim mode? Right? I'm not following your victim. I want to follow a victor,  someone who is doing something about his tough situation who's enthusiastic? Yes, Proverbs  11, verse 29. And he who brings trouble on his family, when he heard only in the fool, will be  the servant to the wise. And, you know, I find that to like, let's say you're in that post divorce  situation, to be able to say, you know, what, I learned a lot. She or he. It was one of many  ways, a wonderful time in my life. And I'm very sad that it's fall apart. And I'm sad that we  broke up. And I know in crisis healing, and then to truly live that and truly want and I want for  my children, if they're still children around, I want the best for them. That woman, and that  just that woman, she is the mother to my children. And I bring blessing even in very difficult  situations, in some ways, learning how to speak positively in the negative situations of your  life. Yes. That could be a principle, right? I think that's what's behind this. If we were to make  this a positive thing. It'd be like talking positively in the negative situations in your life,  whether it's your spouse, your family, your business, or your work or anything. People want to follow people that have a solution, not just a problem, right? Very good point. Well, that  relates to the next one. Since you ignored all my advice, they would not accept my review. I in turn will laugh at your disaster I will mock when calamity overtakes you, when calamity  overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and try overwhelming. This is wisdom speaking now. Yes. Okay, so Proverbs is about wisdom in  their wisdom more of the characters in the book of Proverbs. So now wisdom looks in  unteachable person. But I think we all look in the room teachable person in a negative way. How do you tell that someone's going to work for me? The little cues? Like, if we're talking  and we're in a good conversation? Yeah, but so yeah, better what you say, they never agree  with anything, right? Like, I'm perfect. You're not, whenever you say, is not going to be the  solution. I have big problems, huge problems. And anything you say, does, you know, like,  chiseled at these things? Again, I'm overseeing that. But if you feel that way, but even though I mean even person that, let's say I'm the teacher, and then you're just having a conversation, and I'm the professor, you're the student. And then you have a suggestion. And I torpedo  every suggestion, me, then I'm coming off very unteachable, rather than if I came off with. Like, I had recently had someone in my church that wanted to get not baptized, they wanted  to get dedicate, dedicated. Instead, we do baptisms, as I was saying, how's this going to go? And so I said, you know, it came down to the their family was Baptist. And if they came to our  church, they might be offended, you know, pushing buttons. And I said, Anna, we got the  same problem if we do the dedication, because I have people that leave. So I said to them, 

okay, we have this dilemma, we both have the same problem, we both have family that might be offended if we did one or the other. Let's come up with five solutions, and see which one  we can do. And so the mother in law was sitting there. And she read it, and they have two  kids in baptism, dedication, and her idea was, were baptized one, and we'll dedicate the  other, which is a crazy idea. Okay. But I said, Wow, fantastic. We got one idea and done. We  only have four more to go, right? So in other words, I'm trying to be teachable. Even when the ideas aren't that great, let's all be in a teachable moment, rather than in a critical moment. That might not be the total solution. But maybe we'll get to it. Let's not poopoo everybody  and knock everyone's arguments down. Let's be open to learning. Well, you know, this is a  struggle for many leaders. And a lot of times to have that curious. I'm looking at options. Attitude, is not just an easy pill to take. We assume we know everything that the other guy is  saying we disagree with it, and we say it right away instead of right, why don't you walk down the road with a while, even if you know you're going to disagree with someone, you let them  make their points and you're generally careers curious as to why they think what they think  that's winning. When it's your turn to present your side, they're more apt to follow you, you're more apt to influence them, right? Because you spent time listening to them. Have you met  somebody like that? That when you talk with them, they just have a curiousness in asking you questions. And you even know that they don't necessarily agree with you, but they're not  judging you. They want to know why you feel that way. And they're willing to bend on some  points and stuff and you feel like you want to learn from and that person becomes more  influential. meddling in other people's business. Interesting. And then, on one level, that's one of those ones where you go like, Well, that's obvious. Like one who sees a dog by the year is a passerby or who metals in a quarrel, not as proverbs 26 verse 17. I think the obvious one,  we'd all say we obviously don't do that. But in leadership, sometimes we do meddle I think in  family. Parents can. Meddle in ways that almost hurt. I know some of the lessons I learned in  parenting. Like I didn't want to rescue my firstborn children. And it went poorly because I  meddled in FIFA. And then, and then as flex went through parenting, and five children by the  time the last ones come along, I learned that I was meddling when I thought I was just trying  to be an excellent parent. And so when is it when is it meddling and when does it influence? Now in my particular if I look back at my whole family relationships and the one thing I did not do is I did not really clarify what is it you want? Okay? So again, the focus is on the other  person. Right, which again is what coaching is, coaching, remember is downloading all the  stuff you want, and what you think on the other person is helping them think about their own  way. And asking, ultimately, what do you want to do about what it is that you are interested  in? Now what I want you to do, right, I mean, I mean, my firstborn children, you know, the  sub, the standard type of housing, and then I meddled. And then in the end, it really ended  poorly for all of us, because I initiated that now, again, I didn't think of it as meddling. But it  was just having, like my opinion on something and just kind of playing it. So would you say  meddling is sort of it's really undue influence, we want influence. But we don't want to  become we want them to think independent of the of us, and we want them to be mature. So  there's the maturity that makes this person dependent. We don't want dependence. So as I'm  influencing you, or trying to teach you, I can do it in such a way that I'm making you  dependent on me, like it's meddling and sort of like I'm sticking my nose into your business  and sort of giving you the idea of what you should do, rather than just coaching you, which is, I don't know what it is you should do. But let me help you try to figure out what you think you  should do, rather than me telling you what you should, I think, for many applications in  ministry, because as ministers to me in some ways, if you don't know the Lord, we are  interested that you come to the Lord. And on one level, if we're not careful, we can interpret  evangelism as a form of meddling. Maybe that person is not interested in doing law right now. But you just can't stop telling them, or you can't, like, interrupt their lives, right. And I think  people do that with evangelism. And then they're like, pushing. Right, right, instead of saying, you know, you know, we're all on the planet for 60 70 80 years, and we all have to figure this  thing out before we die, right? This is where I've come to, and if you're open to learning what  Christianity is, I can teach you, but it's your life. Right? It's not my life, you got to decide for  yourself. Now I'm relaxed about it. I'm not pushy about it. It's up to you what you want your 

life. Whereas the other hand evangelism is, you know, I'm pushing and shoving I want you to  adopt my agenda. And people feel that, yeah. And then you kind of back away. I know, just in  my last 10 years, 15 I'm much more evangelism, I'm still sharing Christ, a lot, but only  permission now. And I'll say, Hey, baby, I'm sensing there's openness. I'll say, Hey, would you  want me to tell you or share with you what a lot of guys actually is? Right now, all of a  sudden, you know, I'm coming from the perspective, nothing. I'm not interested right now. You just ask this question? Is that meddling? Anybody? Everything is out in the open, right. Do not intimidate. Not plot harm against your neighbor who lives near you. Yeah, I think that in a lot  of movies, and media, and politics, there's a lot of intimidation, positioning, so why is that  bad? Or what? How does that not? Because obviously, people that intimidate do have  influence. Yeah, they do. But what's the negative? Well, in a lot of ways, it does come to a  form of a hidden agenda, you know, a form of I want something, and not something merit of  the idea that's going to move the day is going to be, you know, my popularity and how I  consider you or how you might be considered in relationship to me, you know, its power. You  know, I'm in this position and you're in that position. I expected to you do have influence over  me, but only as long as your powerless. Right? I mean, if I'm working here and you want me  to act a certain way, you can have power over me. But when I go home, you have no power. I  can do what I want. So, you know, it's a limited influence. You can influence people. But again, we want to have a real leader that influences help someone figure out what they want to do. Right. And if the only reason they're doing something is because you're there standing over  them making them do it, then they're not that haven't become what you think they are what  you want them to be. I think in ministry, this is a danger area too. We grew up, both of us in  the Christian Reformed Church, and my dad, who talks about how they called the minister  was muddled. The power guy don't actually means Lord. So what would happen in surveys  about this is that they would have family visiting with the dome. Okay, and then I remember  that feeling was sort of around in the 1960s and 70s. And the dome would come over to a  house visit industry called the heist. And I remember, like, you know, I had a certain standard  of behavior that generally was, you know, generally enforced in our family. But when the  domine came over the slightest, like, offense, or the slightest out misbehaved by me, was  punished. Trouble. Okay, because there was this idea of key intimidate, you know, whether  the minister or pastor it was the dawn. And that can happen even today, where, you know,  people consider the minister on a higher pedestal, and then the minister seizes that  opportunity. Sometimes not even aware of it, right. So all you get, though, is people that  you're influencing while you're in their presence, but the minute you're out of their presence,  you're influenced. Right? So it really is. Very interesting. Being one up person. Like, the person who, yeah, I got this fish. Oh, your fish was 10 inches long. Oh, my was 12. I had a 15. But  you take that with, like, the stories of life. By the way, that fishing, you know, we do and I  went fishing three weeks ago, and I did. fish like this. And you took the picture. And I put it on  Facebook. You know, a lot of people said I had more hits on that thing that I've had anything,  right? I don't know why people like this. Anyway. But a lot of them were had good jobs that design wonderful. But there are others who are used to see mine. It's not a video. But I do think that that you know, the lives of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the  wicked only what is perverse? That idea of fitting is like to be in a sense of truth teller, but not have a need to undo people. It really takes away influence when you're around. And I get it. Because if I have the need to outdo you all the time, how am I going to influence you again,  the focus is on me, right? You tell the story, in my only concern is my self esteem and the  better story I could tell rather than honoring you and say, Wow, that's amazing. That's one of  the coolest stories I've ever heard and being done with it. Now. What have I done, I've lifted  you made you the center of attention. And then you walk away from our conversation going I  like Steve, right? Why? Because I walk away feeling better about myself see, ultimately  influences that you're making someone else feel better about themselves. Right? You about  yourself, right? In a lot of ways. It does bring another principle that maybe we'll talk about  later, we have to stop being likable. Yeah. You you're somebody who always has a bigger fish. Always a larger church. Oh, even more successful Men's Ministry. Always a larger life coach 

practice, you know, it does become wearing right. So anyway, we've covered some more and  we'll look forward to seeing you next time. All right.