Hi, I'm Henry Reyenga and with me is Steve Elzinga. And we are back in our class about  influence. And we're talking about the influence wrecking habits. Continuing our discussion, and we have our first slide here.

 

Now walking with this is the same one, every time we start with this. Why the same one? Is this a shortcut is that you didn't have enough time to give  more answers, or

 

No, I mean, it's so foundational in front of a reproducible side. And even  something like to walk with God to have access to the Holy Spirit and the fruits of the Spirit,  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control were all things that fuel, the caring for even walking in a way that brings great influence.

 

So without walking with God, all the other things that we talked about are negated.

 

I mean, the business  community sort of like, puts all these principles, patches them in all books, puts them on the market. And we look at these are the principles that are given in the book of Proverbs.  But what the ones section. But walking God is the foundation of it all. It's just the principle which has a certain amount of success to it. But walking with God is that which makes  you don't take yourself too seriously. You’re image bearer of God makes you be humble and makes,  you know,

 

we could probably talk about a walk with God with every point that we walk in with God piece to all of it.

 

Yes. Okay. Now let's begin with those wrecking habits. The first one trash talking, or gossiping. Proverbs 1:22 How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery? A gossip betrays a confidence but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.

 

Trash talking or gossip. Why does gossip hurt your ability to influence others?

 

Well, my read on it is that when someone begins gossiping, is a) it is about them. And they're trying to put someone else down or creating a narrative about them, that they're less and you're more. So that people see that. That's hard to influence when you're that type of person. I think also, there's a spiritual aspect to this. I mean, gossip is mentioned in the Bible many, many times as something that hurts relationships. And you hurt relationships, ultimately, it will hurt your influence.

 

Yeah, in Matthew 18, is that passage that talks about how you're supposed to handle conflicts. If you have a problem with someone, you're supposed to go directly to them rather than talk to someone else. Talking to someone else is gossip. And I have, over the years in ministry, I've come to see that passage, Matthew 18 is so incredibly insightful, way more than I know, when I first jumped into it early on, seeing how it works in our church, especially as a leader. What happens I think, with gossip is the typical thing, I get hurt. Someone says something and it hurts me. And now that I'm hurt, now I can fight back, I can go to you and say this hurt, I can go directly to you like Matthew 18 says, But I'm angry at you and I was hurt by you. And so I don't do that. And I think you know, it's not gonna do any good anyway, because he doesn't listen. He just says these kinds of things. So I'm still hurt. So what do I do with my hurt, I go to a sympathetic ear, right? And I start telling them about what you said. And of course, I slanted my way, a little bit or so then at the end, and the person I go to is likes me and is sympathetic to mr. And they go, really, he said that? That's terrible. Boy, that must make you angry, and you know, so now I am unloading and I'm telling that person. Now that person has only heard one side. And what do they do with that  information?

 

They tell to somebody else.

 

Yeah, because now they're stuck with this.

 

And  they might have a little negative feelings for the person and they may add a little nuance. That makes it even worse.

 

And then it goes around and around and gets worse and worse and finally, it goes to that person in this distorted manner in the back door, and of course, then they're upset and everybody's upset. So I think a good way to step into the more leadership role is not so much the person who gets hurt, you know, if I get hurt, I'm hurt and I'm going to do irrational things. I'm not going to talk to you I am gonna go find someone to talk to. That's just gonna happen. We can't really stop that. Early in my ministry I tried to stop that. You must stop gossiping. But where I found where they were to put the energy is not in the person who's hurt the person who's to hurt go find somebody. It's the person they find. They find someone and they start going, I was talking to Henry earlier? And this is what Henry said. And then that person because they haven't been heard. They're neutral right now. Stop. Before you telling me all this negative stuff. Have you gone to Henry and talked to him about that. No, I haven't, he wouldn't listen. You know what, you gotta go talk to him. That’s what Matthew 18 says. Don't tell me about it. Because now I have a burden I can't do anything with. You go back and talk to Henry. And if Henry doesn't listen, come back to me. That's step two of Matthew 18, them I will go with you and both of us will go. Now, the reason that, you know, the person who's getting hurt is not necessarily gonna need to be looked like a leader, because he's hurt, he's talking, but we all do that. But I'm telling you, the person that stops the gossip, and says, hold it, why are you telling me these negative things? Have you done Matthew 18 first, that person is going to look like a leader? Yeah. And what's going to  happen is people are going to stop gossiping to that person. I'm not going to him  because I know what he's gonna say. He's gonna say, have you done Matthew 18. So, in a subtle way by you telling people about Matthew 18 and how you don't want to hear this negative stuff without you going there first, is the subtle way of influencing them. I'm influencing you in a subtle way to do things right, even though it's hard and even though it's difficult. And that kind of leader gets respected. And trusted.

 

Oh, yeah. Very  good. Being an interrupter. Yeah, I've done my share of that

 

And so why do people do that?

 

And I think a lot of reasons. They're impatient. We've talked about that. They think they’re the answer man. They know better, and they don't want it less form of an articulation being said and heard until the world so they just stop it. They don't have time. So they interrupt. They don't respect the person. I mean, really, why people interrupt, be a lot of reasons. Some reasons. It's, they feel that our office is too dignified, to have to listen to some for so long, and others is just  selfish. And you learned about yourself, you know, wow. A man of knowledge uses words with restraint. And a man of understanding is even tempered. Proverbs 17 Verse 27,

 

Sometimes I interrupt because I, you say something than I ever thought. And if I keep listening to you, I  might lose my thought. So I gotta say it before I lose it. But then I'm impinging on your thought,  yeah, you know, so sometimes what we need to do is just write our thought down. Yeah. I'll get our phone out. Just jot it down. You know, as much as you want to say, the thought that you have. Think that other person wants to say what they're thinking. And I think if we give people a chance to say what they want. But I understand that because I feel like I'm gonna forget it. And then I'm not listening to you anymore, because now I'm in my mind going over and over again. So I don't forget it. No, I'm not even listening to you.

 

Well, where I get caught, more recently is, I'm enthusiastic person and I introduced the conversation, and then the person that I am with talks about it, which is great. But, that person, you know, is I want to get through the whole thing. And so then they'll react and I'm okay. Okay, guys.

 

We don't want to get off tangent here.

 

Yeah. Well, but again, those are just good principles. Here's one, lazy living. Why is this so detrimental to be influential? Proverbs 610 11 Go to the ant. You've considered ways to be wise, a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man. Laziness.

 

I just preached I don't know if I use this particular verse, but I just preached on discipline. And I think people respect discipline. People that someone that's good at something you know, someone who learned the piano and spend many years doing it. You respect the skill, the discipline that it took to get there. People that are good at whatever their craft or their business or their work thing is, you respect that. They didn't take any shortcuts. They're not looking for everybody to bail them out, and not looking for everybody to do it for them. So, if I want to take ownership for something and I want to learn something, I want to be influenced by somebody, I want to be influenced by somebody who's done something, that has taken ownership for it and worked hard at it. You know, that I want that too. And I think a lot of people, you know that you want to help, they lack of discipline.So why would they want to be mentored or influenced by a person who lacks discipline when I'm the one lacking it. I want to learn from you. And if you're not disciplined about it, how's that gonna go?

 

You know it is fascinating the metaphors of this one, I mean, this. A lot of times in Proverbs.  They're just using the words and describing what not to be and how it is detrimental. But in this case, go to the ant,

 

It is a positive. Yeah. Go to the disciplined person. Like the ant, you  know, works hard, while the food is there for the time where the food isn't there. They prepare ahead of time. They sacrifice. That's what discipline is sacrificing now for something better later, You just have respect for people that do that. And their leaders.

 

Now  on this one, if somebody came to you, and it became clear and not getting anything done,  they're just unfocussed, they just are lazy. And they came to you, you're the life coach, how  would you treat this?

 

I think this is where coaching is best. You recognize that you're you don't have discipline, the effects it's doing to your life, and you want change. You want to be more disciplined. Okay. So in what particular area of your life do you feel the need for discipline? I guess, with my kids, you know, when they start talking about their kid, or they mentioned their work, or they mentioned the marriage, and they mentioned their studies at CLI and I just don't give it any of them done. I started when I never get it done. whatever, find an area, you're motivated. And let's find an area. Okay. So how, what would a disciplined approach to this look like to you.  Now they write out, well, I think if I did this, and I did that. Okay, so what do you think you can accomplish next week? I think I can do these five things. Let's see if you can do it. And then next week, you meet How did it go? I only did two what what happened to the other three? Well, I did this and the next, what do you think that went wrong? I guess I didn't make it a priority, or I let other people take my time or whatever. You're helping them figure out here's why you're not disciplined. Or I looked at it and it was a mountain of work. And I went and took a nap and said, you know, how do we deal with the nap thing. You're taking  too many naps. How many naps can you do less next week? It's little by little, you're helping them look at a big, they look at it like this. And let's make it into 20 steps. And let's do five next week.

 

Now on this one, let's talk about like, influence, sin, good advice, your cultural heritage in some ways. We come from a Dutch background where we were actually culturally raised, that you got great shame by not being hard working and disciplined and, you know, you almost get expelled from the community. It's one of the seven deadly sins. Okay. So, and then there's, but now in Proverbs, many of these are about life lessons, or how to be an influential person. What happens if you come from the background that what you've never seen something like this. And you look at this, one of our graduates somehow came to our house for a long weekend from New York. And I remember, she said, she was  like, maybe in her 60s, and she was 65 or something of that. And she reflected back and said, This whole culture, that was everybody's busy, everybody gets up early in the morning, everybody. Like, it's like, Whoa, this is so different. I almost feel like I gotta take a vacation after being at Reyenga home for the weekend. And so some of these things don't just turn around very easily.

 

And all you're really illustrating is people's need for a coach. In the past, the culture helped you  succeed in a lot of these things.

 

Now we have a lot of pieces together.

 

Yeah. And now that all those support systems are falling apart. Used to be your aunt you know, who helped you to align or you didn't go to church and  your aunt said, We're worried, you know, your aunt lives in Florida and you don't live there. So now you're on you are alone and you're floundering or you didn't have a great home experience with a lot of good examples. And a lot of people don't. And that's why this coaching thing is a big field. Because so many people didn't have the right background or culture. So that the coach really is supplying that. He's like trying to be that culture. All right, let me be your aunt and your mother and your father and friendly cousins, in a culture that will help you in an area that you don't know anything about. And it can happen. I mean, people learn over time, they can be coached into those things that used to come natural.  

 

Now  the difference, of course, is is you won't tell them my aunt would tell me what I did wrong, I  promise you.

 

But in a subtle way, the coach can too by just asking, so what happened?  Well, it didn't work.

Oh, what are you thinking?

 

So it just for that helps you own your decision.

 

Yeah, some people are still angry at their aunts.

 

And that's really good. That's a really good. This is related to what we talked about earlier about talking about something no one wants to do, or listen to this sort of related taking too long, to make a point or tell a story. Proverbs 15, verse 23, a man finds joy in giving an apt reply, and how good is a timely word? Some of the books on this sort of people smart area, influence area, talk about how people can just take too long, big points, and that hurts their influence.

 

Fascinating. And I guess the question is, what is the too long was too long?

 

That's good point.

 

I think the story is too long, where it goes  past, the person's ability to hear it. Like people are into it, and you're telling this long story being good, but if you have a person that's not interested, number one, maybe you haven't listened to them long enough. You've been talking already too long, and they haven't got any of their words out, they haven’t told any of their stories. Can you tell one story after the other? So some of it, some of it is you can tell, you can tell a longer story and make a longer point, the more of a relationship you have with someone. You don't have a relationship with someone, they don't know you, listen to a five minute story about this. They're not connected to yet.

 

So a lot of it is knowing your connection.

 

And really not discerning your audience. Story is only too long only if your audience isn't listening.  It's fine if they are. If you go too long, it's because you're not looking at so.

 

So in some ways if you don't know someone very well make sure everything is short. Get to know someone like me, don't we have traveled the world together? And some of our stories and  were together are long. But we know each other really well.

 

Yes. And we can do it. And we've I've given you grace, you've given me grace, and we can give it back and forth. We  know that you're going to eventually listen, I don't have to get my two words in edgewise right now. Either. You know what, you don't know that in the beginning. You don't know if you'll ever get a chance to say anything. It's really I think is a lot of it is discerning who you're talking to.

 

It’s a curt apt reply.

 

Be appropriate to the situation? Yeah. And how do you know that? So again, you have to be watching people. Are they tracking with you, when you tell a story, give enough spots for them to interject? And, you know, are they with you? Are they tracking with you? Are they not tracking with you, if you just go on and on and on forever, you get lost away in the beginning, and everything else is pointless.

 

Here's one that's sort of related. I mean, giving speeches or sermons or two that are boring or too long, and they we  suppose there and maybe in some cultures, too short, I don't know if the back to the app idea. Pleasant words are a honeycomb sweet to the soul healing to the bones. Now, one of the issues in influence that's in the literature is that many people of influence will have public speaking. So there's interpersonal types of discussions that we just talked about that with stories that are not apt to the situation, but a lot of times, ministers or people of influence are asked to speak and the number one flag that hurts influence that's out there is just speaking too long or speaking boring.

 

My wife tells me you know, every Sunday it's better to be interesting than not interesting. But if you're not interesting, at least be short. Because uninteresting and long, like a double whammy. People will forgive you if you're short enough. But if you're long and uninteresting, I  mean, it's best to be interesting. And again, interesting is one of those things that you have to know your audience and you know, can I see that I'm interesting or not a little bit of feedback here and there. But the boring thing, I think, is just just not relating to people, if you're not relating to someone that is boring. If it's related to my life, okay. I'm interested. And a lot of times we're teaching people, we're explaining things. And it never gets to their lives.

 

A lot of ministers, what they find interesting, the study is not interesting, on Sunday morning, and they haven't figured out that yet.

 

And you know what it is? And I have the answer for life.  

 

Please do tell us why.

 

It's because you know, when you're in your study, and you're looking for something and you have a problem, and you don't know what this text means, and you look at the Greek or the Hebrew or whatever, you're on a hunt. You're on a treasure hunt. And is there a goal here? I don't know I don't know. I don't know. And then you find it. You found the goal and then on church, and then the endorphins. Then you come on Sunday morning and go, here's the goal. These people did lecture the goal. They weren't hunting, they didn't  find it. You're holding a nugget. They're not there's no endorphins there, if you took them on the journey. I don't know what this passage means. This morning, we're going to look and see if we can figure it out. Maybe we can maybe. Okay, so now, I think I'm on the journey of the when I was in my office doesn't mean this word. And now all of a sudden we find it then Okay, now that was interesting.

 

So to be an influential person, part of it is to take great care about your public speaking. To be interesting to be appropriate. You know, I know I personally am preaching class, we have your communications class. Dr. Bruce Bell, has a preaching blog. There are excellent tutorials on YouTube about speaking in an interesting manner, if you will actually commit yourself to actually looking at improving and keep improving and don't get into a rut. Good. Well, we just finished another presentation and we look forward to joining you very soon.



Last modified: Tuesday, February 25, 2025, 11:39 AM