Video Transcript: Influence Wrecking Habits 2.2

Hi, I'm Henry Reyenga and with me is Steve Elzinga. And we are back in our class about  influence. And we're talking about the influence wrecking habit, continuing our discussion, and we have our first slide here. Now walking with this is the same one, every time we start with  this. Why? Why the same one? Is this a shortcut is that you didn't have enough time to give  more answers, or No, I mean, it's so foundational in front of a reproducible side. And even  something like to walk with God do have access to the Holy Spirit and the fruits of the Spirit,  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control. Were all things  fuel, the caring for even walking in a way that brings great influence. So without walking with  God, all the other things that we talked about, are negated. Right? I mean, the business  community sort of like, puts all these principles, taxes and all books, puts them on the market. And we look at these are the principles that are given in the book of Proverbs. Right, okay.  But what the ones section is not watching God is the foundation of it all. It's just the principle  which has a certain amount of success to it, right? But walking with God is that which makes  you don't take yourself too seriously. Your image of God makes you be humble and makes,  you know, we could probably talk about a walk with God with every point that we walk in with  God, peace to all of it. Yes. Okay. Now let's begin with those wrecking habits. The first one  trash talking, or gossiping. Proverbs 1:22 How long will use simple ones love your simple  ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery? A gossip betrays a confidence that a  trustworthy man keeps a secret crush talking to God? Why does guy's hurt your ability to  influence others? Well, my read is that when someone begins gossiping, is still a it was about  them. And they're trying to put someone else down or creating a narrative about them, that  they're less and you're more, right. So that people see that. That's hard to influence when  you're that type of person. I think also, there's a spiritual aspect to this. I mean, gossip is  mentioned in the Bible many, many times as something that hurts relationships, and you hurt  relationships. Ultimately, it will hurt your influence. Yeah, in Matthew 18, is that passage that  talks about how you're supposed to handle if you have a problem with someone, you're  supposed to go directly to them, right? Rather than talk to someone else talking to someone  else is gossip. And I have, over the years in ministry, I've come to see that passage, Matthew  18 is so incredibly insightful. Way more than I know, when I first jumped into it early on, seeing how it works in our church, especially as a leader, what happens I think, with gossip is the  typical thing, I get hurt, someone says something and it hurts me. And now that I'm hurt, now I can fight back, I can go to you and say this hurt, I can go directly to you like Matthew 18 says, But I'm angry at you and I was hurt by you. And so I don't do that. And I think you know, it's  not gonna do any good anyway, because he doesn't listen. He says these kinds of things. So  I'm still hurt. So what do I do with my hurt, I go to a sympathetic ear, right? And I start telling  them about what you said. And of course, I slanted my way, a little bit or so then at the end,  and the person I go to is likes me in this sympathetics. And they go, really, he said that?  That's terrible. Boy, that must make you angry, and you know, so not unloading. And I'm telling that person. Now that person is only heard one side, right? And what do they do with that  information? They come to somebody else. Yeah, because now they're stuck with this. And  they might have a little negative feelings for the person to slowly add a little neuritis. That  makes it even worse, and then it goes around and around and gets worse and worse. And  finally, instead that person in this distorted manner in the back door, and of course, then  they're upset and everybody's upset. Right? So I think a good way to step into the more  leadership role is not so much the person who gets hurt, you know, if I get hurt, I'm hurt and  I'm going to do irrational things. I'm not going to talk to you I am gonna go find someone to  talk to. That's just gonna happen. We can't really stop in early in my ministry. I tried to stop  that. You must stop. But where I found where they were to put the energy is not in the person  who's hurt the person who's to hurt We go find somebody, right? It's the person they find, 

right? Do they find someone and they start going to Henry earlier? And this is what Henry  said. And then that person because they haven't been heard. They're neutral right now. Yeah.  Stop. Before you telling me all this negative stuff. Have you gone to Henry and talk to him  about that, right? No, I haven't, you wouldn't listen. You know what, you gotta go talk to?  Matthew 18. Don't tell me about it. Because now I have a burden. I can't do anything with you  go back and talk to Henry. And Henry doesn't listen, come back. To me. That's step two of  Matthew 18, that I will go with you and both of us will go. Now, the reason that, you know, the  person who's getting hurt is not necessarily gonna need to be looked like a leader, a leader,  because he's hurt. He's talking, but we all do that. But I'm telling you, the person that stops  the gossip, and says, hold it, why are you telling me these negative things? Have you done  Matthew 18? First, that person is going to look like a leader? Yeah. And what's going to  happen is people are going to stop gossiping to that person, right? I'm not going to him  because I know what he's gonna say. He's gonna say, have you done Matthew 18? Right. So  I'm gonna so in, in, in a subtle way by you telling people about Matthew 18. And how you  don't want to hear this negative stuff without you going there first, is the subtle way of  influencing them. I'm influencing you in a subtle way to do things right, even though it's hard.  It's difficult. And that kind of leader gets respected. And trusted and trust. Oh, yeah. Very  good. Being an interrupter. Yeah, I've done my share that and so why do people do that? And  I think a lot of reasons they're impatient. We've talked about that. They think their answer,  man, they know better, and they don't want it less form of an articulation being said and heard until the world so they just stop it. They don't have time. So they interrupt. They don't respect  the person. I mean, really, why people interrupt. Be a lot of reasons. Some reasons. It's, they  feel that our office is too dignified, to have to listen to some for so long, and others is just  selfish. And you learned about yourself, you know, wow. A man of knowledge uses words with restraint. And a man of understanding is even tempered. Proverbs 17 Verse 27, is sometimes  I interrupt because I, you say something than I ever thought. And if I keep listening to you, I  might lose. So I gotta say it before I lose it. Right? But then I'm impinging on your thought,  yeah, you know, so sometimes what we need to do is just write our thought down. Yeah. I'll  get her phone out. Just jot it down. You know, as much as you want to say, the thought that  you have. Think that other person wants to say what they're thinking. And I think if we give  people a chance to say what they want, but But I understand that because I feel like I'm  gonna forget it. And then I'm not listening to you anymore, because now I'm in my mind going  over and over again. So I don't forget it. No, I'm not even listening to you. Well, where I did  some more recently is, is I'm enthusiastic. My son and I introduced the conversation, and then the person that I went to talks about it, which is great. But, but that person, you know, is I want to get through the whole thing. And so then they'll react and I'm okay. Okay, guys. We don't  want to get off tangent here. Yeah. Well, but again, those are just good principles. Here's one, lazy living. Why is this? So detrimental to be influential? Proverbs six 610 11 Goliat. You've  considered ways to be wise, a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest,  and poverty will come like you could come on your leg abandoned, and scarcity like an armed man. Laziness. I just preached I don't know if I use this particular verse, but I just preached on discipline. And I think people respect discipline. People that someone that's good at  something you know, someone who learn the piano and spend the for the years doing it. You  respect the skill, the discipline that it took to get there. People that are good at whatever their  craft or their business or their work thing is, you respect that. They didn't take any shortcuts.  They're not Looking for everybody to bail them out, right and not looking for everybody to do it for them. So, if I want to take ownership for something and I want to learn something, I want  to be influenced by somebody, I want to be influenced by somebody who's done something,  right, that has taken ownership for it and worked hard at it. You know, that I want that to. And I

think a lot of people, you know that you want to help the lack of discipline, right? So why  would they want to be mentored or influenced by a person who lacks discipline? When I'm the one lacking? I want to learn from you. And if you're not disciplined about it, how's that gonna  go? You know, fascinating. The metaphors of this one, I mean, this. A lot of times in Proverbs.  They're just using the words and describing what not to be and how it is detrimental. But in  this case, go to the end, is a positive. Yeah. Go to the discipline person, right? Like the, you  know, works hard, while the food is there for the time where the food isn't there. Right,  prepare ahead of time. They sacrifice. That's what discipline is sacrificing now for something  better later, right? You just have respect for people that do that. Right. And their leaders. Now  on this one, if somebody came to you, and it became clear and not getting anything done,  they're just unsalted, they just are lazy. And they came to you, you're the life coach, how  would you treat us? I think this is where coaching is best. You recognize that you're you don't  have discipline, the effects it's doing to your life, and you want change? Who wants to be  more disciplined? Okay. So in what particular area of your life? Do you feel the need for  discipline? Right? I guess, I guess, with my kids, you know, when they start talking about their kid, or they mentioned their work, or they went to the marriage, and they made their studies at CLI and I just don't give it any of them done. I started when I never whatever, find an area,  you're motivated. And let's find an area. Okay. So how, what would a disciplined approach to  this look like? Right now they write out? Well, I think if I did this, and I did that. Okay, so what  do you think you can accomplish next week? I think I can do these five things. Let's see if you can do it. And then next week, you meet How did it go? I only did two what what happened to  the industry? Well, I did this and the next, what do you think that went wrong? I guess I didn't  make it a priority, or I let other people take my time or whatever. You're helping them figure  out here's why you're not disciplined. Or I looked at it. And it was a mountain of work. And I  went and took a nap and said, you know, how do we deal with the nap saying, You're taking  too many naps? How many naps? Can you do less next week? It's little by little, you're  helping them look at a big, they look at it like this. And let's make it into 20 steps. And let's do  five next week. Now on this one, let's talk about like, influence, sin, devise your cultural  heritage in some ways. We come from a Dutch background where we were actually culturally  raised, that you got great shame by not being hard working and really so plan and, you know,  you almost get expelled from the community. It's one of the seven deadly sins. Right? Okay.  So, and then there's, but now in Proverbs, many of these are about life lessons, or how to be  an influential person. What happens if you come from the background? That what you've  never seen? Something like this. And and you look at this, one of our graduates somehow  came to our house for a long weekend from New York. And I remember, she said, she was  like, maybe in her 60s, and she was 65 or something of that. And she reflect back. This whole culture, that was everybody's busy. terabit gets up earlier morning, everybody. Like, it's like,  Whoa, this is so different. I almost feel like I gotta take a vacation after being at Ryan's a  home for the weekend. And so some of these things don't just turn around very easily. And all  you're really illustrating is people's need for a coach. In the past, the culture helped us  succeed in a lot of pieces together. Yeah. And now that all those support systems are falling  apart. Used to be your hand You know, it helped you to align or you didn't go to church and  your aunt said, We're worried, you know, your aunt lives in Florida and you don't live there. So right. So now you're on your own and you're floundering or you didn't have a great home  experience with a lot of good examples. And a lot of people don't. And that's why this  coaching thing is a big field. Because so many people didn't have the right background or  culture. So that the coach, the coach really is supplying that. He's like trying to be that culture. All right, let me be your hand and your mother and your father and friendly culture that will  help you in an area that you don't know anything about. And it can happen. I mean, people 

learn over time, they can be coached into those things that used to come natural. Right? Now  the difference, of course, is is you won't tell them my aunt would tell me what I did wrong, I  promise you. But in a subtle way, the coach can tell by just asking, so what happened? Right? Well, it didn't work. Oh, what are you thinking? So it just for? That helps you own your  decision? Yeah. Angry there. And that's really good. That's a really good. This is related to  what we talked about earlier about talking about something no one wants to do, or listen to  this sort of related taking too long. To make a point or tell a story. Proverbs 15, verse 23, a  man finds joy in giving an apt reply, and how good is a timely word? Some of the books on  this sort of people smart area, influence area, talk about how people can just take too long,  big points, and that hurts their influence. Fascinating. And I guess the question is, what is the  too long was too long? Good. That's good point. I think the story is too long, where it goes  past, the person's ability to hear it, like people are into it, and you're telling this long story  being good, but if you have a person that's not interested, number one, maybe you haven't  listened to them long enough. You've been talking already too long, and they haven't got any  of their words, barely told any of their stories, right? Can you tell one story after the other? So  some of it, some of it is you can tell, you can tell a longer story and make a larger point, the  more of a relationship you have. So someone, right don't have a relationship with someone.  They don't know you listen to a five minute story about this. They're not connected to yet.  Right? So a lot of it is knowing your connection. And really not discerning your audience write  a story is only too long if your audience isn't listening. Right? It's fine. If they are right. Well,  you're not. If you go too long, it's because you're not looking at so. So Will some in some  ways is if you don't know someone very well make sure everything is short. Get to know  someone like me, don't we have traveled the world together? And some of our stories and  were together are long. But we know each other really well. Right? Yes. And we can do it. And we've I've given you grace, you've given me grace, and we can give it back and forth. We  know that you're going to eventually Listen, I don't have to get my two words in edgewise right now. Either. You know what, you don't know that in the beginning. You don't know if you'll ever get a chance to say anything. Right? It's really I think is a lot of it is discerning who you're  talking to Kurt, reply, be appropriate to the situation? Yeah. And how do you know that? So  again, you have to be watching people. Are they tracking with you, when you tell a story, give  enough spots for them to interject? Right? And, you know, are they with you? Are they  tracking with you? Are they not tracking with you, if you just go on and on and on forever, you  get locked away in the beginning, and everything else is pointless? Here's one that's sort of  related. I mean, Jimmy speeches or sermons or two that are boring or too long, and they we  suppose there and maybe in some cultures, too short, I don't know if the back to the app idea  that words are a honeycomb sweet to the soul healing to the bones. Now, one of the issues in influence that's in the literature is that many people of influence will have public speaking. So  there's intrapersonal types of discussions that we just talked about that with stories that are  not apt to the situation, but a lot of times, ministers or people of influence are asked to speak  and the number one flag that hurts influence that's out there is just speaking too long or  speaking boring. My wife tells me you know, every Sunday you It's better to be interesting  than not interesting. But if you're not interesting, at least be short, uninteresting and long, like  a double whammy. Or forgive you if you're short. Right. But if you're long and uninteresting, I  mean, it's best to be interesting, right? And again, interesting is one of those things that you  have to know your audience in, right? You know, can I see that I'm interesting or not a little bit  of feedback here and there. But the boring thing, I think, is just just not relating to people, if  you if you're not relating to someone that is boring, right? If it's related to my life, okay. I'm  interested. And a lot of times we're teaching people we're explaining things. And it never gets  to ministers. What they find interesting, the study is not interesting. On Sunday morning, and 

they haven't figured out that yet. And you know what it is? And I have the answer for life.  Please do tell us why. It's because you know, when you're in your study, and you're looking for something and you have a problem, and you don't know what this text means, and you look at the Greek or the Hebrew or whatever, you're on a hunt. You're on a treasure hunt. And is  there a goal here? I don't know I don't know. I don't know. That will send you find it. You found  the goal and then on churchy, the endorphins, the owner. Then you come on Sunday morning and go. Here's the goal. These people did lecture the goal. They weren't hunting, they didn't  find it. You're holding a nugget. They're not there's no endorphins there, if you took them on  the journey. I don't know what this passage means. This morning, we're going to look and see if we can figure it out. Maybe we can maybe. Okay, so now, I think I'm on the journey of the  when I was in my office doesn't mean this word. And now all of a sudden we find it then Okay, now that was interesting. So to be an influential person, pilot is great care about your public  speaking to be interesting to be appropriate. You know, I know I personally am preaching  class, we have your communications class. Dr. Bruce Bell, has a preaching blog. There are  excellent tutorials on YouTube about speaking in an interesting manner, if you will actually  commit yourself to actually looking at improving and improving and don't get into a rut. Right.  Good. Well, we just finished another presentation and we look forward to joining you very  soon.