Video Transcript: Influence Wrecking Habits 2.3

Steve and Henry back, we're going to talk about more influence wrecking habits. And now by  now you see that not walking with God is one of that first critical pieces to think about. And I  was thinking about the role of prayer. And one of the things I have known that, okay, so you  have a tangible example where you're seeking to work with somebody, or you want to  influence them for Christ, or you want to influence them in some kind in God glorifying way.  So I, I find that my walk with God Perseid really helps me to ask myself in prayer and ask the  Lord, how I can be a blessing to that person, even before the day I'm talking, talking to them.  So that is there something the Holy Spirit brings to mind that I didn't think about. And I find  that the Holy Spirit gives an insight on how to love and serve that person, before I even had  the opportunity to be in that context, whether it's speaking in event, or talking to someone  individually. Or I think if someone has the sense that you're one who is talking to the Creator  of the heavens, the earth on a daily basis, that you might have some insight to life, and you  might be worth following, right, right. Because it's not just you, right? It's like you're connected. If you were, like the son of some kings somewhere, right? I think you have more influence  than just Henry. But if I know you're connected to God, and you truly are trying to follow as  well, okay. I like being around people like that, because it's not just them, right? God in them,  right. So people that are led by prayer and reading the Bible, and they're knowledgeable  about those things are just great people to follow. In one of the things it's becoming clearer  and clearer to me as we do this class. How foundationally walk with foundational, a lot of that  is for influence. Because we are sons and daughters of the King of kings and Lord of lords.  And automatically. That's huge. Okay, dominating conversation, for dominating conversations. Proverbs 10, verse nine, the man of integrity walks securely, but he who take takes crooked  paths will be found out, I picked that verse, My wife and I were looking at various verses, and  there was no proverbs about that. But one of the things that we often noticed that, that  insecure person, or when we feel insecure about a topic, or that kind of gets us to dominate or to control, like what we don't know, or moving in direction, so we looked at that as a as an  angle of dominating conversation, but there's sure a lot of dominating of conversations that  are habits that hurt in wreck, influence, right? I think, you know, anyone that's a mentor or  someone that wants to help someone else. We're so eager to want to help and want to help  you so bad, and I have in your life is such a disaster, that I just want to unload everything on  you, right? I, you know, you sort of start talking, and then that fuels the pump of talking, right,  and then I'm trying to help you and then you interject with something. And I just bow right over that, because I have 10 More points to the right. And I want to say, and I'm trying to help you,  I'm not even listening to you, and you're trying to tell me something. And I'm not even  listening. So I think it just gets out of hand. Right? You just you get on a roll, you get under  one story. And that reminds you of another story. And it's kind of fun. You know, when you're  on a roll with things. You're cooking, and you're making sense. It's like people could be writing your words down for a self help book. Because you're so good. Right? And that's how you feel in the moment. Right? It's endorphins like, yeah. And you don't realize that you're, I liken it to  like basketball, you know, the guy, the the point guard goes down with the basketball, and he  throws it to the next guy. And then some players will go give it right back. Throw it to  somebody and then they want it right back they and I see that in conversations where you  know, I see something and then you say something and then I respond to you and then  someone else something and I respond to you, right? I am the hub of this whole thing, right?  When people all like to dribble the basketball, right? Everybody likes to jump, everyone likes  to take a shot. But it's easy to start dominating, when you're pretty good at it. Right? When  you're really good at something, you want to keep doing it not to get a point. Sometimes, the  better you get at some can become a detriment, right? And so all your mentoring or your  coaching becomes teaching. I'm just gonna teach you a bunch of a lot of stuff that people 

don't learn. That's not the best way to have someone learn, teach you. The best way to have  someone learn is to draw it out of them. That's the coaching thing. So if you're dominating  conversation, you're not coaching, right? You know, I think about like, running a church or  running an organization, to run a staff. And I think earlier in my life, I definitely was more  dominating the agenda. And I have found through at CLI and through mentoring by you rich,  DeVos, and others. It's more powerful and more rewarding. When other people have  ownership in the process. That doesn't mean that you're brain dead now. But sharing the  stage and creating new stages, is absolutely essential. Here's one monetizing yourself or  someone else Proverbs 15, verse 27, the Green Man brings trouble to his family. Proverbs 21 Number six, a fortune made by Lion Tang is a fleeing vapor, and deadly snare. You know, this  one is very fascinating to me, because a lot of the house self help books on influence. They  actually tell you to monetize yourself. Okay, what does that mean? Okay, friend, my time is  worth this. Okay? Okay, I only spend time with the people who are in help my business. Okay, so it's sort of, so I, you know, I, you are there to help me. Succeed, right, basically, right, I  have a goal, and everyone around me is there to help me. Now, it gets dicey. Because on one level, even in church, you need to be on Team with those who are teachable, who seek to  serve the Lord. And Jesus says, Don't cast pearls to swine. Don't waste your time with people who are just Undertaker's and are totally empty. Okay, now, you apply that to the in many of  the business of how books in the influence books, talk about that is don't spend your time on  people that will not make you $1. Right. Now, it's interesting the other books from a Christian  perspective and point out some of that stuff, and say that that is missing out on the God's  design as image bearers, that it's, you know, really the big influencers, always see people as  image bearers of God and see them that way, have potential to have potential and dreams.  And so again, it's it's one of the I put that in there because it was mentioned so much. Yeah,  well, I think Rich often told us, even in a business where you're thinking about your, your  game game, if you build a business where you're thinking about your game, then your  business won't go, the only way to have a business that actually blesses and comes back to  you, is to help people find what they want, right that somehow your business has to be  meeting the needs of others. Or ultimately, it's not going to be monetized. And I'm going to  help you. I think this just doesn't work. It doesn't work. To go into it thinking how am I going to  get stuff out of all these relationships? How do I make my agenda? How can you help my  agenda? If your agenda is so exclusive, that everyone has to help you with your agenda?  Then your agenda won't work? Your agenda has to include helping other people get their  agenda, right. Essence, really, and that's the essence of Christian leaders Institute, we're not  we don't have all these courses to make you into. We don't know what you want to be correct. It's like we're just giving you the operating system and how what program you turn it into or  what you make of it, or how you use it, or what you go into is really up to you. We're not trying to force anybody in a certain direction. Right. Do you feel like people get this point? Do you  feel me it is so and I think it's I mean, it's the even hard for me as you know, I'm seeking  God's kingdom first. Right? Okay, but I seek My own kingdom first. And I'm hoping that God  has in it, you know I do more of that is, is truly put God's kingdom first and not your own. We  did we tend to think of our own kingdoms and then want to put God on it. Right? So if you're  thinking about how does God's Kingdom Come that when I'm talking to somebody, God has a plan for him and it may tell my organization that may not right, I'm here to help you  regardless. Again, I go back to that, walk with God aspect. times you say, Lord, change me on some of these dicey area. So I sincerely my motivation is to glorify you, you know, like in a  church, I mean, I want to build my church. Right? But what if my church doesn't fit this  person? Right? Do I care about building my church? Or do I want this person to discover God  and find the place that fits him? Right? Well, part of me wants to remind you are a salesman, 

the car salesman, you know, a car salesman is really good, I will tell the guy, I don't think this  car is the one for you, to describe what you want, and I don't think we have what you're  looking for. Now, if that word gets around, that isn't the kind of car salesman he is he'll have  more business and he knows what to do with because he's trustworthy. He doesn't. He isn't  just monetizing everything for himself. Right? And ultimately, he's going to get what he's  looking for. Right? Because he's been trusted. And friends will say, go talk to George. being  fake, or insincere. It's fascinating. Various books talk about, that's an intangible judgment.  That people you know, some people. In fact, there's even some literature that talks about how you analyze body language when somebody is lying, you know that they're really not sincere  and so forth. Proverbs 15, verse 28, are the righteous ways it's answer, but the mouth of the  wicked gushes evil, you know, again, another, you know, this to our influence and walk with  God really do tonight? Well, I think being fake, why am I being fake? I'm just trying to put a  show on for you to get something. Right. I don't want to be vulnerable. People are just how  you doing? I'm fine. You know, everything is surface level. That's kind of fake, where people  get to know you over a long period of time, and they go, I don't really know. Right? Because  the external shell that they project. So if you're a leader, and you're trying to influence people,  and no one can get past your veneer, they get this external shell, how's it going to help me  with I have real struggles, and I have real things, but I can't relate to this person who can  relate to someone who's fake. It's to say, I'm safe, I'm fake. Everything's good. People just  can't relate to let's talk a little bit about like, Christians are supposed to be this. And then I  don't want to come off that way to hurt my witness. So then, what they really do is they have  this like, public life, that's what it is, and they have their other life. That's and then they try to  hold up, like proceed brand to the world. They protect themselves holier than they are,  because they want to live up to some Christian brand. You know, this is what Christians  should be. And so I want to protect that. Right. And, and then in their real life, they're less than that. Right? But I think if they actually reversed it, and showed people who they really were,  people could relate to that. Right. Oh, you struggle with that, too? Yeah, I do. That's why you  need a savior. I'm just like you. I'm struggling with everything that you're struggling with. I just  know where to go with it. And you don't, right. We're the same. Someone can relate to that  and go okay, well, how do I do that? But if you're like, you're so distant, and you're so perfect.  Never be like that. I'm sick of it. I'm a Monday guys presence. I feel like a total failure. My  marriage is a disaster. My kids I'm around them and their kids are perfect. I think people, you  know, when I go to someone's house, and they have a messy house, I always just make  myself at home and I go, this is awesome. I feel at home, I don't feel I don't feel threatened by your clean house. Right? Because, you know, so perfect that I, you know, I can never live up  to the standard I feel at home, right? You put me at ease, right? It's great. I remember this one time, this was like 2013 or years ago, and somebody wrote a letter, an email about Christian  leaders Institute, saying how that we have to have a higher standard in one specific class,  because that one class, use the metaphor that could be interpreted worldly, and I really  sincerely felt bad. So I called the person. And I don't think that that person expected it was  flooded, like the person expected that the President was going to call. And I think something  happened. She was a little bit upset. So I called in, she said, what the acid Do you want was  president of the Institute and, you know, I brought events were really fun and interesting  conversation. Because he was very real to me, but it should have known ahead of time that  the President might have not right, but the very thing she wrote about was that which was  violated the very thing that she's in maybe that story illustrates the truth of all of us, right? You know, sometimes we get high and mighty about fundraising ourselves. And then, like, you saw these issues that are being all talked about right now. And we're not being transparent about  our real struggles. But so we want to try to, like create the world where, you know, this is more

about us looking good than us helping someone, right? Because ultimately, if you want to  influence someone, you have to have the goal of helping someone, right. Here's one, This  really hurts influence, according to many literature, but actually, in Proverbs 11, verse 17,  attainment benefits themselves, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself. You know, kind  man, you know, I, I'd say, I don't like getting beat in God's are very committed to people. And I know that when someone is a sore loser, like, I play with a lot of different people. And when  they're a sore loser, it just, like my respect for them. And I don't, I mean, I tried to love them in  Christ. I tried to overlook it, but I sort of feel like they've notched down. But they, they because of their bad experience, or bringing everyone that they're with down with them. Right. Just  because your game is bad. Why are you bringing my game now? Right? I understand that.  It's not fun when things aren't going well. Things. Why do you have to drag everyone else  down? Right. So I mean, I have tons run playing poorly do it, why should that influence your  human just have something good happen, and I'm taking away all your fun, right? Because of  me. And I think too, it's just, I don't know, when I play sports, I have the attitude, if you can  beat me, 10 to nothing. And we play the next game, I think I'm gonna win. When you beat me  again, 10 to nothing, I think the next game, I'm gonna win. I always think the next opportunity,  I will do better, I will do better. And even if I don't do better, I think the next time I will do. It's  like, life is a thing to grow in. And so I want to win as much as I can possibly win while I'm  playing. But if I lose, that's it the past, right, let's go to the next day. Be a real add about your  wins or your Yes, I think level that takes it into like the game of ministry, let's call ministry  game. You know, I find that that too, and you'll see that I believe on Facebook, you'll see that  where it's like, some of our topics are historical, traditional topics that we would have held to  are eroding in some societies. And so instead of like focusing is Jesus strengthen what  remains says in the Bible, you know, if there's a subject that we used to really have the  winning and we don't have the winning, I find that that sometimes we come off as such sore  losers we didn't know Winning that cultural war on this one issue, right? Okay, so we didn't  win the cultural war. And now we are grumpy about it. And we've now taken the gospel and  moved it down to that law, right? And we want to, we want to like, talk and give excuses why  we love it, we want to point here, this is bad and that that person said this. And then then this  politician did this. And we are so grumpy that we reduce our message not to hope of  forgiveness for the hope of resurrection, the hope of new Lightning Christ transformation, we,  instead of we focus on all the negative things in our culture, and we poopoo it and we feel  sorry for ourselves instead of saying, What a great time to live, when the gospel could speak  to a broken world more than any other time in human history. And you and I get to be in the  middle. And God shows us to, you know, the limb during this great time when the entity is  needed more than in any other time in human history. What an honor to be here. The family  break it out, we have the gospel concert, everything is just in we get to be about revival.  Right. You know, I always thought of the the world war two generation. And we get to be like  the greatest generation, right for the revival, the renewal of Christianity. And we get to be that  we got chosen to live during that time. Yeah. So that what we're doing is we're regretting on  things that we've locked in and some of the cultural pinnings of Christianity, how we would  understand it are not the same. So how do we live in the world where certain things are this  way? And other things are that way? Do we still have the revival attitude? Being proud, this  one, Proverbs 16, verse 18, Pride goes before destruction or haughty spirit before the fall.  Proverbs 37, Do not be wise in your own eyes, Proverbs 27, to then another praise you in that you're not your own mouth, someone else and not your own lips. By the way, there are a lot of Proverbs on being brought up an issue, it must really hurt your influence, because there are  many passages about that, again, your focus is on you. Right, right. And if you want to  influence someone, your focus has to be on the person that you want to influence. Right. So if

you're concerned with your old status, people get that feeling. You know, when you tell a story, you're the center of your persecution, they help tell their story, and you tell a better story,  right? It's all on you. In some ways, the pride is the tree and all the branches are a lot of the  other ones that we've talked about, right? Humility is going, I'm gonna sacrifice I'm not gonna  say the story that would fit here perfectly and make me the star of this conversation. Because  I want you to feel like you're the star of this conversation today. And I have this perfect storm  around himself. Right? That takes humility, and one more related to pride being a bragging  winner. So we talked before about being a sore loser versus maybe the hurt of pride. And now we're talking about being the bragging winner, which is like pride, where that goes to that  verse that you had before. Either don't praise yourself, let someone else do it. Yeah, the  bragging that goes, no one else goes through it. So I'm doing myself on my own. In my own  head. I get that because we live in a culture where all of us are short on encouragement. Yes,  we're deficit ID or deficit is and so we're all looking for that. And so it's hard for me to give it to  you when I'm short of it. Right? And then, you know, I'm so short of it, that I got to do it. If you  won't do it. Proverbs 24 Verse 17. Do not gloat when your enemy falls. So when you win,  don't go when he stumbles, do not lay your heart rejoice. You know, I think too. You know, we  know what the game level but I think at the movement level. I do feel where we are still  dominant in a culture or in area. We have to be careful not to like surround ourselves with that prideful posture. We mean the dominant Christian, a Christian. There are places where you  know where Christianity and then we are not truly loving and welcoming for people not like us. Yeah. Maybe we can be a little arrogant about, we have the right answer and all you  recolored and you're all lost, and you're all sinners and you're all in the dark, and you're in the  light, we're the smart ones. And sometimes I hear that when people pray, when they're  praying in church for the last, you know, Lord, we pray for the laws that haven't seen the light.  And what we're suddenly saying is we are the phone, and we have seen the light, and  ribbons. And we got it all together, and all US centers out there. And there might be those  people sitting in your church, right? Instead of saying, Lord, we all need the light. We all  struggle with darkness. You know, like, I'm joining people in their struggle, and I need to see  that just as much as anyone needs the Savior. Struggle in all areas of my life like other  people, and I'm on your team, why don't you join us? Rather than I'm sure you're not staying  on that distance. Subtle separation, right? It's just a subtle little twist. And people catch it, they catch with your judgmental of them. Or, you know, you think you're better than they are, right? And a lot of it is this bragging kind of thing. You know, when guy was bragging, you know, I  don't have a television. If I don't watch that, because he has internet, watch anything you want on the internet. He's not telling the truth. He's trying to look like he's better than he is. Right?  I'm better than you. Right? Well, you know, to in Christ, we're to reach the enemies of the  gospel. I find that to be such a contradictory thought, like, a person who's an enemy is  someone I'm to love that is to become a friend, that then I embrace as a brother. So we have  this mission, like what an impossible mission without God's grace, who could do this, the  whole deal, the whole setup, is proclaim the gospel to the enemies of the cross. It's not like  proclaim the gospel to the people who buy your widget, because they need it. It's proclaim the gospel to your enemies. So our audience is the enemies of national. So, yeah, growing about  all our winning isn't really a way to be influential in evangelism or ministry. that Paul is on  Mars Hill. I see this guide to the unknown God, let me tell you about when I see that you  respect God's he found something he can relate to, rather than you stupid people. Right.  What are you thinking? He found the one place he could agree with them. Right? And then  explain a little more. Right, come along with me. This is good. You're halfway there. Well, here we go. We're done with another session. We look forward to meeting you and talking very  soon.