Video Transcript: Influence Wrecking Habits 3.1

Hi, I'm Henry Reyenga with Steve Elzinga and we're back. This is the seventh presentation of  influencing influence wrecking habits. Now here we go back to not walking with God. There's a lot of dimensions to this that we've dealt with the verse, Proverbs 28, verse six better a poor  man whose walk is blameless, than a rich man whose ways are perverse. A lot of influence. I  think Henry is used to make wealth, right, you know, it's not what you know, it's who you  know, the connections that you make. But the Bible says true wealth, true riches is a walk  with God. Because you can, you can, you can be an influential person, and that can get you a  lot of things. But if you don't have a walk with God in the end what do you have? so again,  we're just, you know, we have this on every slide, because we want to just, you know, when  you're done with this class, at least you will know this, that if you want to influence people,  you have to have a walk with God. And we're talking about a daily talking and listening habits  of walking with God not to go to church once a week and hear what someone else has to say  about God. Walk right. But one that you own yourself. So you're following God's will through  His Word, you're listening to his spirit as you pray. That's the absolute key. I remember in our  history of ministry, collaboration partnership, over the years, I remember early on, we talked  about if you walk with God, and your spouse walk with God, and you have two children, and  you pass a walk with God unto them, and over 400 years, is that pattern continuing that  pattern? That will be 1 million people that will be influenced for Christ. A lot of people go  what? Do the math. Just keep doubling, and you'll double 20 times. So 20-40 years is the  thing. Right? It comes to about four hundred years. So that was pretty interesting. Yep. Well,  let's continue on the principles of things that hurt your influence, right? So we'll look at the  negative but then of course, we'll switch into the positive. So being excessively dramatic.  What do you mean by that? Well, you're never dramatic. Well, it's actually good to be  dramatic and interesting and not boring. And so the issue is not whether they're dramatic. But in a lot of literature about someone who's diminished influence is when it's always dramatic.  Everything is about ready to explode. The world is one step away from decaying or everything is bad. Why do you think people do that? Why did they rely on this? Exaggerating and drama  about emotion? Too much emotion? Yeah. Why? Well, I mean, if I know when I am excessively  dramatic sometimes. But sometimes I'm just too enthusiastic. I'm not realize that I'm coming  off. excessively dramatic. that's good for me to be self aware. I think sometimes, maybe. I'm  insecure about something. So you're gonna be secure. I don't have anything to say somebody says louder. I wonder about that. How do you see that? Well, this was Proverbs said, each  heart knows its own bitterness. And no one else can share in its joy. So there is a little bit of a  hiddenness about emotion and how it's displayed. I think a lot of times people are overly  dramatic. Because they don't have, they don't have a lot of good points to sell, or make their  point or sell their point or substances lacking substance is lacking. So instead, you use  emotion and drama. salesmen do this all the time. You have to buy it right now, today, this is  a one day sale. And it's like, the world's gonna end if I if I, if I don't buy this today. They act  like that. And then you get that feeling because they're trying to manipulate you. Right? And  emotion is one of those good ways to manipulate people and being you know, a person who's  overly dramatic is always saying this is the best or this is the worst. We have to do something  right now. So in a church context, is people that's what they want to be pulling the fire alarm  over every little thing that happens in church. The leadership has to do something about this,  right? You know, a lot of times we can just relax. Let's just, you know, it's not that big a deal.  All right, you can deal with this. In someone's related to the next point that people study  influence, say to be exaggerating, or lying, and we talked about lying in previous ones. But  this kind of shade is the excessive dramatic exaggeration. Proverbs 10, verse 10, he who wins maliciously causes grief in a chattering fool comes to ruin or proverbs 24 Verse 26. And  honest answer is like a kiss on the lips of the positive side of that. Have you noticed that  exaggerating hurt someone's influence? Persons who love church planters exaggerate how  many of you planted a church? How many are coming to your church? Oh, we have about 200 coming. And they really have 100 200 have shown up in the last month. Yeah, or, you know,  one time one service they had 200. Right. But generally, they have 120. And it's, you know,  we live in a competitive world. Even in the church, everyone wants to look good. And so I  think people like like in golf, you know, we both golf, a lot of people are frustrated with golf, 

because they shot 45 once for nine holes, and now they think that their average, their  average is 50. Right? But now they're upset because they don't shoot 45. Well, you did that  once. Right? So you know, it's just easy to exaggerate everything that you do, and then  people don't trust what you say, right? And in my opinion, the from Pastor point of view when  you preach the Word, you know, you study, and sometimes you want to make the point. So  you take a passage, and make the passage, say that point. Right. So I mean, it's, ultimately  people look at it. And at that point, you know, I don't see that angle, in a lot of ways of  ministries, we're seeing how the Holy Spirit's using the word of God to change our life that  we're communicating. So this perspective of influence is to honestly look at the data and be  creative without excessively exaggerating, excessively moving into where we excessively will  exaggerate the negative, so that the positive answer that we have, right, you know, we were  fundraising, where excess of how bad the community and how much we need your we're all  shutting the whole ministry down. And if we don't get the money now, you know, it's a way to  force people to make a decision or to do what we want them to do. But, you know, as you  keep using it, people catch on, there was no fire emergency here. They don't believe you.  Right. The next one is breaking the law, that's just plain, stay out of trouble. It hurts your  influence if you break the law. And, you know, increasingly, there are a lot more laws in the  United States. Like, I entered a study there were like, you know, let's say a number of 400  laws in 1975. And now there's like 4000 laws on the book. so in many ways, as a ministry  leader, this very important, I ever wonder if someday, that there's going to be a life coach,  Minister area, just that will sit down with families and go hard with the families like, here's  how, like with the teenagers, and okay, so you're figuring things out right now, we're going to  consult with you and give you six weeks of what the law actually says, Now you can get in  trouble, because they've studied more young people, their 20s Especially men are in jail. Now  percentage of population, in a lot of it comes to you, they really don't know how you'd be in  jail, right? But it hurts your reputation. And just, you know, not just the laws of the land. But  you know, when you say you're going to be somewhere that's like a law, right? And then you  you're you don't stick with your word. Right? So then again, people don't trust what you have  to say, right? You exaggerate your tell lies, you say you're going to do something and then  you don't. Right. You can follow that. Right. From a life coach, Minister perspective. We're  going to also launch a reentry program, or reentry role or jail. Yeah. So somebody is  incarcerated. Now they've come out. So one of the coaching badges that we're developing a  specialization is reentry coaching, right? How do you help people do that? Right. So as we  think about this in restoring reputation, if somebody breaks the law Are you sort of stuck?  Because there's something you can do to repair your reputation? Even in something like this?  What's your opinion on that? Yeah, of course, you know, and that would be if we, you know,  was we're working on that course, the coach would be able to come alongside the person  who's trying to make a reentry and look at his life. And, you know, where can we start  repairing it? You know, with social media? I mean, there's a lot of dementia. Right, that yeah,  you know, going back to people, you know, letting people know where you're at now, I mean,  it's a whole thing, taking classes, that CLI and showing people that you're, you know, you  have a disciplined life that you're involved with all those things, help restore your reputation?  Well, in a lot of ways, when someone breaks the law, they have to be very self aware about  several of these influence factors such as appearance. You know, how they live a moderate  life? So part of the concept of influence, is a self awareness piece of am I influencing and why  am I doing? What are? What are people's perceptions of me? And what can I do about it? Well, and this directly relates these all sort of relate today to hanging out with the wrong crowd.  Proverbs 12, verse 26, and a righteous man is cautious in friendship. It's amazing how we do  we start becoming what we hang around. Maybe some of you struggle with some of the words that you say, are not always that flattering, or, you know, some, some Christians even start  swearing, and they don't want to, but where they work, everyone does it all day long. And  even though you're not into it, you don't like it, you're against it. Right? You end up doing it  just because it's around you. I mean, it's how we learn a language. Right? A lot of people  disqualify themselves from leadership. You know, I can't learn anything, I can't do anything.  But every one of us have learned a language. And that's not easy. No. Okay. So we learned 

that without working at it, it was around us, and we just pick it up, and people pick up,  whatever they're around, if you're with the wrong crowd, you're gonna pick up all these  destructive habits. And then again, what do you have to share with someone? You know, in  some ways, let's talk about the wrong crowd in people groups, you know, influence. In I  remember, in some of the literature, it talks a lot about it's not just the crowd that causes you to sin. It's the crowd that brings your dream away from you. Or is the crowd, you're looking for the crowd, the positive, encouraging crowd. And you might be hanging out with a crowd that,  you know, hey, they're all great people met, but they just bring you down. They're naysayers.  They don't believe in you. Maybe because they don't believe in themselves, and then they  don't want you to start going beyond them. Right. So if you start doing something interesting  or stepping out, then they just drag you down to their level. Right? They don't want you to  succeeding and not them. Right. So if you're with that kind of crowd, yeah. Then how are you  going to get ahead? No one can get ahead because the whole crowd keeps pulling you down,  right? I listen to my kids sometimes. You know, the one thing I really enjoy for boys. And the  one thing they are very close in the age. And maybe that's why they do it. I don't know. But  they've always been very supportive of one another. Something good happens? They cheer  without that jealousy factor, right? You know, or sports. If someone does something good,  they genuinely think that's cool. Right? Let's get into this competitive group. Even siblings can get my siblings, parents. Sometimes, parents get jealous of the kids doing better. I mean,  right? Maybe some of you have experienced as you're you're taking classes and you're  improving and and now you have more things to say and a conversation and people are like, a little bit threatened by what you're doing. They're not growing. They're the same person.  When they have to get a point, you will find out if you are growing those in your life who are  not growing, but get jealous of you growing, and they almost become persecuting, on your  advancement in your walk with God in your advancement in ministry, ministry training. So if  you want to be an influencer, really probably you know walking with God is number one, but  probably number two is hanging around people that can encourage you to be a good  influence. And around positive people that see good things in you or, you know, have helpful  things to say you know, and that's really what a coach is for again, right coach is that He's  the, he's the person that helps you see things for yourself and then encourage you as you  start stepping out making things happen. This will be a excellent life coaching minister,  influence badge specialization area, because you've been interesting for people to do an  inventory. Yeah. Proud, right, that they're hanging around and head to the coach to help you  how to evaluate your friendship circle and how to then make friends in the right area. Right,  that will be supportive. How do you find people like that? How do you initiate How do you do  this? Now, some would say, you know, well, are you rejecting some to find others? What is  that? Right? I mean, how do you respond when people say to me, because again, sometimes  you read the literature about this, it's like, you know, get rid of that crowd, and then go on to  that crowd. And I know that there's probably love of Christ is somewhere in that continuum.  Yeah. You know, again, if you're, if you're, if you're a sinking ship, then you're not going to be  able to help anyone anyway. Right? So, you know, I had a good friend of mine, the guy who  took over my church in Vancouver, his dad, you know, decided to, you know, early on when  he was younger, his dad decided that, you know, the church wasn't helping the prostitutes,  and so downtown Vancouver, weren't doing it. So he went on his own downtown. And he's  trying to help all these people, they're on drugs. Well, he ended up on drugs. And he just  because he went alone, into a difficult area, and the, you know, the stuff around him grabbed  him, right. And so I think you just have to stop, you're strong, and you have a huge support  group, and you're becoming all that God wants you to be, then yeah, if you're that old crowd  that was dragging you down, you might need to witness, you might be able to say something. But if you're not strong yet, you're more likely to get sucked in then you helping them. It  depends on where you're at. I always find that it's an arrow thing for me. And I talked to my  wife and I and Pam talked about this, Steve and I talked about, which way is the arrow  pointing? In this sense? If you have friends in your? are you pointing them to Christ? Or are  they dragging the arrow pointing you? Which way is it going? Right? And again, there's, I  know, be a little messy in there. Because, you know, sometimes things happen and you're 

trying to gain rapport. And it looks like you're a little that way. And then there's a little wave,  which way is the whole trend going? Right? But if you don't have a supportive group, then  probably you need to leave that other group because in can't do it without the support of  Christ, right? You leave the herd and those who are galloping for Christ's near alone. So I'm in  like in our church, a lot of times our church grows because we reach someone and they have  all these unchurched friends, and then they can be an influence, but now we surround them,  right? Encourage them and give them the tools to do that. They're not on their own doing  that. Actually. When you first hear it hanging out with the wrong crowd, the first thing you  think about is just like a sin issue. You know, bad character corrupts good company or good  Bad company corrupts good character. That's how it is. But in this, it's really a big one here,  for instance. And in the literature, one slide doesn't do good or doesn't do justice for how  much of this talk about in various dimensions, right? Bragging about your wealth, or your  generosity does not increase your influence. And if you have that habit, it will hurt you. One  man pretends to be rich. Nothing another pretends to be poor, and yet has great wealth.  Come to the observation there. Yeah. Again, I think the bragging about your wealth or your  generosity, the focus is on you. Right. I'm thinking about me making making an impression on you was influence is I'm trying to help you have a good impression of yourself. I'm, I'm trying  to lift you up. I'm not engaging in all this conversation so that I get lifted up, right? So that's  what this is. When you're bragging you're trying to lift you're trying to create a stage for  yourself, right. And influences creating a stage for other people, right. So in I know a person  who has, like three fourths or more of the traits of influence that everybody will follow. But he  happened to do this one. And as he does it, the people in his life just recoil away from, even  though he is a generous guy, even though he really cares, and there's no question, but he  brings up the fact that, you know, you know, I funded that thing before anybody else even got on board with that, you know, and he, I'm not sure exactly why. But I know this is a diminishes his influence considerably. I think people do it when they're feeling insecure, no one notices  how much I do. Everyone thinks less of me than I think they ought to write, and no one's  encouraging me and saying, I'm doing a good job. So I'm fishing for it. I want someone to say  something. So one way to help someone like that is to recognize them and to give them more  encouragement, really, as a person trying for more encouragement. Right. But some people  are in endless bottomless sea. I mean, you really need coaching on this. Like, okay, this is an  issue for you, and how would you help somebody like this? Well, part A lot of times, you know, you may have to slip into counseling, because I find a lot of people that, you know, maybe  lost their parents when they were young, I heard that people that lose their parents or one  parent, let's say when they're young, they tend to stay at that age. So if they're 10, they're  like a 10 year old, right? I know, several people like that. And, and it's like their parents left  them. And now they don't have a sense of am I somebody, they don't have a parent saying  your good, you know, I love you, I think you're awesome, I think you're gonna be a great  person looking for that and everything, and you couldn't say it enough to them. Bottomless  Pit and that can be so I think some of that they have to understand maybe a little bit about  why they're, you know, it's because their father left them and never said anything, right,  throughout those years. And they have to deal with that a little bit. And then maybe, you  know, like in coaching, how do we, you know, what are some ways to not say that, and what  are some ways to have a more positive encouraging relationship with people like just, you  know, for a spouse, hey, I really need feedback. Right? And could you give me feedback or  friends? Feedback on this because I'm a little insecure, right? So that's better than fishing for  a very, very, very good. The last one for today flirting, and then faithfulness. Proverbs two  verse 18-19. In this talking about going into the adulterous in, this isn't trying to pick on  women as the adulterous, let's just say that this is a two way street, but it's in this particular  case for her house leads down to death, in her path to the spirits of the dead, none will go to  her none who go to her return, and attain the path of life. I remember reading a story of a kid  that his parents wanted a divorce. So they went to me like a 10 year old. And they went to  him and said, Johnny, you know, mom and daddy don't love each other anymore. So we're  gonna separate we're gonna get a divorce. But that doesn't mean that we don't love you.  Right? We will always love you, you can count on that. So the kid hears that. Right? And he 

can he can imagine that, that they said those exact words to each other when they got  married. Right? I will love you, you can tell me those are the vows that you make, right? And  yet, years later, things happen and you don't anymore, right? So when you say you're gonna  love me forever? Well, how do I know that? And that's the problem with the rep with influence  is around at this time, it was a problem and so on the nose, it's saying it's not sticking with a  promise. You made a huge promise in front of God and people to stick with this person and  even when you're flirting, or you're in or you're unfaithful, and you don't get caught. Still,  you're just as the biggest commitment you've ever made to anybody and you're willing to  break it, right? Yeah, how would I trust you with anything that you say? Say if you're going to  break it the biggest one, right? How do you repair after you've made these mistakes, and now you're saying, you know, I, I have learned I have been unfaithful and praise God for His grace  for the beginning is this, this is a potentially difficult one to repair. Very difficult and, and a lot  of times people don't they don't apologize, they don't admit where they were wrong, they  don't admit that, you know, this is what happened. And this is my part in it. Step one, you  have to admit where, you know, I, you know, I dropped the ball here, maybe that person,  other person dropped the ball too, right. But you have to face, I think, face that. And then now you have to slowly rebuild, Your Honor. In little ways, like, I'll be in your house tomorrow at  nine and then you're there at nine. Right, then, you know, once you've broken trust, in some  big area, it's hard for people to trust in any area, and the only way to repair it is to become  more trustworthy in little things, right? And that's gonna take a while for a person to trust you. Right? It just takes time it can be done. Right. But it takes time. You know, I know that, that  we have different expectations in the world. And many people have lived in the context of this unfaithfulness, their entire childhood. Almost taken for granted as accepted in the media sort  of paints the picture that love anymore. So what are for what's not my problem? My fault?  What can I do? It is, I don't know what promise did you make them? Then you shouldn't have  made such a big promise in the first place? She should have said, Yes, I marry you. Unless I  don't like you anymore. I find someone else you should have all these addendum then they  should be at least honest. Right? So people want to make a strong vow, I will be faithful  forever. Right? And then later on, they got money and I don't want anymore. So what can I  do? Right? So if someone's coming to a life coach, minister, and and many will because you  know, divorce is 50% of the population. Things have gone not always that great. How can a  life coach a minister, help someone in this area? I think, first you got to deal with the past  what happened? Where repentance is needed. To maybe you didn't work out as hard as you  could have, you didn't go to the counselor coach, when it might have made a difference. And  all those things. Admit what you've done wrong. And now what do you want to do to do things better before a lot of people just jump into another relationship or just do radically all over  again? Right? Without realizing what they did wrong? And what, you know, how can we  practice living up to our promises? Right, before you jump in, on top of that plan is like you  had mentioned earlier, the simple things, make sure you're always on time, make sure. But it  is still a plan, though. There could be a plan. Yes. It could look at this. And to you know, let's  say you're dating another new person, you're open and honest with them. And then now  they're helping you stick with things and put guards in your life what happened, you know,  like you're going into this with your eyes open this time, even though just falling into it. Right.  Wow. The heavy stuff today. And this concludes this session and we look forward to seeing  you again at the next one.