Video Transcript: Influence Wrecking Habits 3.2

Henry Reyenga here with Steve Elzinga. And we're returning to the class that focuses on  influence. And we're on now, the ninth presentation on influencing wrecking habits. And each  presentation starts with now walking with God. Now, a while ago, you're talking about this talk you listen to repeatedly, and then listening is the word of God. And I want to call attention to  something we're doing. All of the sessions on the ninth one now are dealing with passages  from the Bible. So if you can walk with God and open God's word, a lot of these things about  influencing others will be given to you daily, to yourself, to your spouse, in you to your family, and you, your church. In some ways, there's a culture of feeding being an influential person in the Bible. I mean, I majored in psychology in college. It was, it was good. But, you know, when I started studying the Bible, I thought this is better. As a psychological book that explains why  people do what they do, that the Bible is so filled with so many things that it blew away most  of the courses that I took, where I was supposed to be learning that stuff, so the Bible really  does have a lot of stuff in there to help you with just practical everyday life, for how to live  and how to succeed in life. And then how to help others do the same thing. So it's good stuff  in there. Why not access it every day? Right? And over time, how you will be encouraged and  being a person of influence, right? Well, let's move keep going on here. Here's one, not taking  care of your family. Proverbs 14, verse one, the wise woman builds her up, or the wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears it down. Why is the taking  care of a family so crucial for being a person of influence? But there's another passage?  Where's it in Timothy? Or something? Where? Instructions for being an office bearers?  Minister? Yeah, if you don't take care of your own family? How can you take care of the family  of God? Right, so that verse suggests that your family is the first ministry entity that you  have, right? It's the first and is the most important. If you're not taking care of that, then how  in the world can you take care of something else, you're going to ignore your most important  one to do some other ones. And that doesn't make any sense. And I think to in the family, this is a great place to learn how to do ministry, because your family has people that are different  from one another, they have different needs. Generally, you're attracted to a spouse that's  opposite from you. Or you have to learn how to deal with someone who's opposite, right? And  it's a great place for learning how to be a person of influence. If you can't even influence your  own family, right? Then how are you going to influence others? It's a great indicator and a  great place to practice. It's the same stuff that you do in your home that you do with other  people. Well, we often talk about the southern connections that way, and there's each level.  And if you're successful with your spouse, you know, and she wants to follow you and you  want to follow her and the same with your family. It does set up the seed of influence, right?  Well, first of all, you have an influence over a million people in your family. Yeah. So but, but  also, it's the same, same tool, same things, you know, if you want to influence your children,  which most parents do, you want to influence them for the right you want them walking with  God. All those things that you do to help your kids is the same stuff you would do with a  friend or someone at work or, you know, encouraging. Sometimes telling the truth in love, all  these different ways that we influence people is all the same stuff. Right? In often you'll notice strong families know how to give leadership and, and, and you know, and vice versa. When  when someone is a really good leader, making a big company happen. Often it's their family  that brings the whole thing down, right? They got all this problem. Somebody right, the  divorce, job work gets dragged into it. Right. Some of the same issues. Well, let's reflect a  little bit with her own hands the foolish parent put it that way, tears their family down? Why  would anybody do that? I mean, in some ways, it seemed like you can comment on divorce as an example of the breakdown in the impact on the children. I mean, a lot of people say, we  stay together for divorce, or, you know, we're getting a divorce, and it really doesn't matter.  Because the you know, it's better to, for them to see us separated, happy with each other  than being the same religion. I mean, my point is, there's all this different spin on tearing  things down, right? Yeah. I think sometimes parents, because they lack self esteem for  themselves. You know, in a weird way, don't want their kids succeeding. Because if they  succeed, then you're doing better than me, you look better than me, you're doing better in  school than I ever did. And then they start tearing them down, like to keep it the same keep,  keep us, instead of having that sense that I'm gonna watch. Whatever my kid does, I get 

credit for him. If he does better than me, I did better than me. But that seems like this  competition. People, you know, didn't get much encouragement when they were growing up  and other shorter. You know, the kid comes home with As, and it's like, well, you're better  than me. You're smarter than me. And then they tear him down. Right? I think it's a lot of, you know, poor self esteem is not having a secure sense. And again, that that relates to a walk  with God's right, if you have a walk with God, you know, where God is saying who you are,  you're here for a purpose. He has gifts for you, Holy Spirit is in you. You are somebody maybe  you had a rough life. Maybe you haven't found it yet, but it's all there. Right? Once you have  that sense of I am somebody, you can bless somebody else, right? Be beautiful stuff. Here's  one handling money poorly. Proverbs 17, verse 16, of what use is money in the hands of a fool says he has no desire to get wisdom. Now, in a lot of ways, this is a piercing thing to think  about. Because are we saying that the rich are the ones that are going to have an influence in let's say, I don't, you know, I mean, my own childhood, my father was a mechanic, my mother was a factory worker. Now they handle money extremely well. And they have very little of it.  Even to the point where when my dad died, had 99, in June of 2019, he still had $20,000 in  the bank, that being 99 years old, being a mechanic. And but I always admired and learned  greatly, because it wasn't how much money he had. He managed to what he had wisely. No,  they say that, you know, family businesses, by the third generation, they've lost it. So people  would money can manage it poorly, and it's gone and spend it horribly, right, either we hear  of athletes and stars and so on, they get millions of dollars, and soon they're bankrupt. Right? So I think it comes down to discipline, people are not disciplined about this area of their life. If  you're not disciplined in this area of your life, I don't know if I can trust you again. And again,  goes back to the need of life coaching and even having badges in management of the  resource of money, right? These are, you know, this is an area if you just spend or in I think  there's so many distractions in whether you live in a western nation or developing nation,  there could be a lot of distractions in just simple things. When you're in debt, it's hard to be a  leader, right? It's hard to think of yourself positively when your paycheck, right? You end up  feeling like a failure. Other people are succeeding, why am I not? Why is Why is everything  falling around me? I can't afford anything. Right. So it's a cycle of defeats. Whereas if you, you know, like with coaching, you know, learn how to actually manage your money is it can be if  you're not making much money, if you just manage it, well, you can still live really well. Right? People can live better than most people have lived in the whole history of the Earth with very  little money. Very little Money in the history of the earth today you can live as I need to, you  know, when I was in college, I was in seminary, I was in a house. It was an upstairs apartment, it was $60 a month for me for that. There was one register with a box that had heat on it for  the whole upstairs, I used to sit on it to do my studying. And we lived that year on $10 a week for our food and everything else my dad thought was impossible. So I, I said I, you know, so I  kept track of it. Right? And, you know, so we managed the what little money we had while  we're both going to school. And it was a great year, because we were on the way to making a  difference in the world. We're going to school and learning. And it didn't matter that our couch was $10 from Goodwill, or, you know, we don't have all these things we can't go out to eat. It  didn't matter because we're on mission. And we had a sense of going somewhere. And if you  have that it doesn't matter what you have, right? You have purpose and meaning. Well, just  think about this, you know, a lot of times Abby and tells me stories about vision partners, how they manage in the share $5 $10 a month, but they have to make sure that it comes out  exactly on the 16th in that the 14 because they have managed their life so well, that they're  giving to support other people who have less in ministry training is so precise. That's what a  great job they're doing. And they're impacting the world. Isn't that impressive as someone  can do? Well, with very little that's yes, a person. It's easy to do well, when you have a lot of  money, but it's a lot harder if you don't. So that's an impressive person to follow. Right? Right. Right. Here's another one. Not making friends. Proverbs 17 Verse 17 17:17, interesting. A  friend loves at all times, brother is born for adversity. Why is so much influenced literature?  Just talking about? A bad habit? If someone can't make friends? They're not that influential?  Why is that? I mean, he often don't think about friendship as an influential piece. Well, maybe  in some ways, the biggest influence you have in life are your friends. Okay, those are the 

family and has to be their life. Well, family and friends. You know, in some ways, I sometimes  wonder, you know, I've been a pastor, and I'm in churches, and I'm preaching, and I'm doing  all these things. You know, and I'm thinking, I'm being this big influence with all these things  

that I do. But maybe that's just what God has me busy with. But the real influence I have is in  the cracks along the way, you know, this person that I meet, and I sort of take him under my  wing, and I develop a friendship and we talk and we walk outside, we talked about the stars  and God or whatever. And maybe it's, it's a few people here and there that are really make  the biggest difference. And that's, I think, you know, it was struck me in Acts chapter two,  when the early church started, you know, they follow the apostles word they met in people's  homes, and you know, that whole thing at the end of chapter two, and the Lord added to their number daily, those were being saved. Okay. There's one word that I never really caught is  the word every day. Right? It says every day they met in the temple courts, and in each  other's homes every day. And when I reflected, when I was planting a church in Vancouver, I  reflected on the people that were making the biggest impact in the church that I was planting. And it was the people that I was connecting with almost every day, I see that the insular  relationship was, it had to be intense. No, I had influence here and there, but not like, you  know, something that made a huge difference is those people I have contact with almost  every single day. Right? So that's, I suppose when a friend is someone you see a lot, where  there's a skill to making friends tune in. A lot of times people will say, I'm an introvert. You  know, I'm just not good at making friends. Okay, so, you know, maybe one coaching badge on how to make friends, right? Because I think a lot especially a lot of guys are out there, they're  more purpose driven. A lot of guys don't have a good friend, right? They're married to  someone but they don't have a good friend. And you know, we can attest that with a good  friend. You can attack things and you can try things that you wouldn't otherwise, try. And  think about friends to just organizationally. You know, I know that as Christian leaders who  began, this was a disruptive concept. In many in sort of educational world in the kingdom, for  a little bit. I remember one meeting, we had met a woman named who the institution that you and I read, many were somewhere in that institution, the President and the assistant, were  saying things like, this is going to hurt, you got, you know, putting us off three, what's gonna  do, and all of that stuff. And I remember, we purposely went down to the posture of, you  know, no matter what said, we will always be friends. Right? And what's interesting about that whole thing is that comes back to later on to not not form enemies, with another church down the road. But if somebody wants to go to that church, and then you know, that church, is you  passively aggressively, instead of actually becoming friends with their minister, maybe  learning what the minister does, there, I mean, in some ways, right? Make your enemy your  friends, right now. Right, have an influence. Or if you go into a church, and then the former  pastor, you know, is not there anymore. A lot of times, the new pastor has nothing to do with  the former pastor, or like competitors. But if you just the friend, the former guy, and just, you  know, let's say there's some big decision you're trying to make in the church, and you call  them and say, Hey, what do you think Bob? Bob says, I think this, and then you go in front of  your church, and you say, you know, I was talking with your former Pastor Bob, about this,  and he suggested this, and I thought that was a great idea. Now what happens is, everyone  that like Bob is now gonna like you, right? Just because you honored Bob. So don't, don't make an enemy out of Bob. Right? Because, you know, people compare you and Bob, we get all that and just look at the positive. I feel to in this one, that concept of a friend loves at all times. I  think there's bitterness that's in all of our lives. And there might be somebody that you just  can't forgive, maybe a family member or leader in the community, or someone that you knew and somehow connected, they spread dissension in your church or in your life. And, you  know, it's like, I can be friends. But I have like, this list of 10 people that I'm not going to be  friends, I'm not going to forgive them. It's fascinating. I learned over the years, like, you know, be the first forgive, be the first to move on. Be the first to call that person up and find out how they're doing. Be the first that brings people and, and I find that over the years, that is a  powerful way to make an impact because it's unexpected. was expected is that yeah, I mess  up with that guy. And you know, but unexpected. Is that forgive 70 times 70. Powerfully  influential. Did Jesus. Love your enemies? Maybe it's maybe another way to say it is make 

your enemies your friend, right? He didn't like your friend. Like, right? Like they're your friend  and maybe all the good things of friendship. Right? Right. Okay. Here's one, very, still  superficial, not smiling, or practicing positive body language. Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart  is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Why is this noted in the literature is  such an influential aspect, a person who practices positive body language is just more  influential and does seem superficial to me, Steve? Well, maybe it's really a good indication  for stuff. Like if you're not smiling. You're so serious and intense. How can people deal with  that? Or if if you don't have a positive body language is because you're making a competition  out of everything. And you're pushing people away and you're if you're competing with the  people you're trying to influence, then you're not going to influence them. Right. So maybe  it's an indication of your own self issues. Low self esteem, and that's why you're here like this  few friends are like, whenever they talk, they're so intense. And they're right. Pointing and  never. Like, we're always together, right? So sometimes, you know, people they have  underneath this battling anything, everything's an argument, everything's a big battle. And  you can see it in there. So, maybe some, you know, I guess some of the literature suggests, if  you keep track of that, Don't clench your fists, and maybe you won't be so aggressive in your  talk. Right, right. Like, you know, just try to have your hands open. So that'd be a coaching  kind of thing could be like, if you have that tendency to do all that. Alright, let's practice.  Some positive body language. What does that look like? Right now? Let's try that. Right.  People are in might have a hard time doing it. Right. But I think sometimes just doing the  positive, or smiling was I remember I said to you about these lectures. Right. You are intense.  And I think you just smile a little bit more. Yeah, he's so intense that like, Yeah, okay. Yeah. So  but it's something you'd have to practice, right? And then all of a sudden, if you are smiling,  right, you do get lighter. Right. I feel too, like there's a self discipline to smiling. That when  you had mentioned that to me, in some ways, I'm a smiling kind of person anyway, right off  the record, right. When the camera came on and start smiling? Well, in, sometimes it's like,  there are blocks in your life that a coach can help you see, right, that have nothing to do  other than just having a bad habit and you want to get over that bad habit? Right? Right.  Some people are, they sit like this. I am genuinely interested in what you got to say. But it  doesn't look like Right, right? Or here's the one that a lot of people do. I'm a close person.  Now, maybe I'm not being closed right now. But it feels that way. So there's an example, in  ministry in that, when you're talking to someone, like going like this is a body language  characteristics. But there are more in a life coach, or an influence, or even in the peoplesmart  area might help you or even in the communication area. You you're giving a sermon, and your body is not listening to the words you're saying, right. And so there's a disconnect between  the words that you're saying and your body, like, be together on this and your hands are  around and you're almost doing it, and people can see it, and they can feel it. But if you're  like, you know, we gotta get together and do it. Yeah. And have the same impact. Well, in  some of you had a family with body language was so repressed, that you don't even know  what body language communicates openness, and what body language communicates anger  or closes right. You're not even you can't make that differentiation. And there's where the life  coach knee may come in. For some people think they're being enthusiastic, you know, but  when you show the film back, you know, they're like, then in the, you know, they raised their  finger like, they thought it was like this. Yeah, we got. And it was like, We gotta remember  when we did a early in Christian leader, Steve did a class on preaching presentation. And it  was he did this activity of fee fie fo fum. All he asked people to do with to do this most  dramatic and possibly wind people to give a little more emotion they're preaching. It was  fascinating that some of the family backgrounds, they were going to sci fi, fun, and they  thought they were at the limit of their emotions. And then Then ask him, Okay, now add 10  times more emotion to that. Fe Fi Fo Fum, it was like that 10 times 100 times a million times.  But it illustrates that the power of body language, and it can be learned. A lot of times your  emotion can follow that. Yes. But at first, it's like learning to play the piano, right? It's just  something you have to learn when you when you move in. It's more intense. When you sit  back it's more relaxed. When you look so you know, when you're talking about something and then you all of a sudden look someone in the eye it becomes way more dramatic. Right? You 

know, you people really Need to know the Lord. And so you know, you finally look straight into your eye. And it's like, okay, well, some people, you know they're reading a sermon is really  good to know the Lord. And it just doesn't have the punch. So a lot of ways this is  impersonally inter personal. That is to have a smiling and cheerful heart, but at public  speaking. So this is like a union see now, why the literature talks? Like? It's not just  superficial? No. And it's not just in public speaking, if you're like trying to mentor somebody,  or do you never look at them, when you say anything, right? Or you never your body  language doesn't express that I'm proud of you while you did a great job, right? Then your  influence is less. Okay, the last one for this presentation is complaining about your parents.  There's talk about that about how that says, No, often you talk about the wise woman, tears  down or house wise parent can tear down. But it can go the opposite way. That if you  complain about your parents, or the leaders in your church, in some ways, this is that  generational work, you are a one generation, maybe a child or you are an employee of a  company, you know, the application for this, you know, a foolish son bringing grief to his  father and bitterness, to the one who bore him in a lot of ways this, the leadership principle or have influenced talked about in the literature is those who are in a sense, employees or those  who are children of subordinates wherever have a culture of complaining about the  authorities in charge of them, or the ones above them, and they will hurt their influence. And I get a illustration of that. I planted a church in Vancouver, and home missions of our  denomination was sort of in charge of that. And there was a regional guy that was in charge  of me. And he was home missions. And he would meet with me, and he would meet with our  church, but he was old fashioned. He hadn't planted a church in 30 years. And you know, he  wasn't on the cutting edge at all. And when he would meet with our people, and then when he was done, I would, you know, I've started to give my people the impression like, well, what  does he know? Right? What does home missions know? No, we're the ones out here doing.  We're on the front lawn, we're on the frontline. And we're the young people, and we're gonna,  we are the champions. So what happened though, is three, three years later, you know, I had  a really good leader that wanted to start being involved in ministry and so on. But, you know,  what he wanted to be was like me, right? Okay, what he saw me doing it, he saw me wanting  to be the king on the hill. You know, the home missions? What do they know? I know more  than they do. And so, three years later, that young guy is saying that to me, or about you?  Yeah, he's, he's saying he knows it more. And I'm now the home missions guy. Because that's  what I did. He's, he's doing exactly what I what I did. And so when I reflected on I wish I had  said, you know, the home missions, people, they don't know everything. But let me tell you, I  wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for them. If I found something to honor those people. Right, then  I would have gotten people that would do the same thing to me. Steve doesn't know  everything. But I'll tell you, I wouldn't be here for what they'd be saying the same words. I  remember this point. We've talked about 20 years ago, actually, I remember how you  reflected on Moses and Joshua, that most of that nothing but a hassle. And But Joshua did  better. I remember Steve saying that. He said, Well, maybe it couldn't be that way. The Joshua generation was a generation that didn't fight with its past. The leaders. Moses, the people  watching Moses had no example to follow other than Moses, Moses came out of nowhere. I  am in charge, right, a rebel. But But Joshua spent 40 years modeling to everybody how you  treat a leader, right? And he followed Moses and treated and helped Moses. So when Moses  died and Joshua took over he had been training the people how they should treat him right by how he had treated Moses. When you think about that, and the parenting thing, if you treat  your parents well, as they get older, you are teaching your children you know, not a couple of  my daughters have been saying, Well, we're gonna get to when you're older and know where  to get you are older, because I had my parents live with us for 8 years. And then after that  they live in our same town. And when we try to look after them, we try to look after them. I  mean, in the we're not grading grading anybody on the same. We loved it too. But we did  show that, that, hey, take care of your parents. I think you know, just complaining in general,  not just about your parents, but just being a complaining person, no one wants to follow that.  No, actually, that's really maybe the material issue. You get say this, complained about your  works complained about the government's complaining about, you know, your sports teams 

complained about your parents complained about your spouse, and you're saying you're a  victim. Right? And you have to decide whether you want to be a victim or a leader. Right. You  can't be both. Right. Well, we'll conclude this one, and we look forward to seeing you on our  next presentation.