Video Transcript: Influence Wrecking Habits 4.1

Henry Reyenga with Steve Elzinga we're back for a conversation about influence wrecking  habits and you can't believe there's this many influence wrecking habits. And that a walk with God has something to say that fuels a influential person. Right. So I Berated all of you last  session about whether you had a walk with God. Have you acquired a walk with God since  that session? I didn't think you were berating them. You're challenging them. When you don't  accept the challenge, it sounds like berating. I got. I got I think that's a good challenge. Well,  so if this shoe fits, and let's keep going. So, losing moderation in your lifestyle, Proverbs 20  verse one, Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler, whoever is led astray by them is not wise.  Proverbs 25, verse 27, is not good to eat too much honey. So the rest of that is or you will  vomit. Yeah. We only have so much room on this. So losing moderation. I think our culture,  many parts of the world, the culture of loss, moderation anyway, we have places where new  marijuana rules are where marijuana is legal in many states. Alcohol is out there. I know that  Jesus created water, new wines. The issue is not necessarily but there's an alcoholic, they  should never even be around alcohol. There's a lot of issues of moderation, there's eating and eating too much. There's obesity, severe obesity was not related to genetic issues. But just  related to, I can eat whatever I want or so, again, it's almost to the point where even saying  stuff about the lack of moderation is often considered as hate speech, even a form of it. But  the truth is, is that moderation is important for influence. Another word that you might use is  balance. You want to have a balanced life. So you can, you can not have moderation of your  life if you're working all the time, right? Or you're spending all your time at church and doing  ministry and ignoring your spouse or your family. Right, that's, you know, work in moderation, do everything in moderation or in other words, have a good balance with everything that you  do don't, you know, go into one thing to the neglect of the other. We said something about  that in that last session about triage, that if you spend way too much time on this, right, and  you make it perfect, which is good. But on the other hand, you're losing all these things that  you didn't do anything. In some ways, this is one word coach couldn't be really right. Because  people don't always see where their life is out of balance. Right? They just unhappy and  everyone around them is unhappy, right? So then a coach can say, All right, let's look at your  life. Where things kind of pinching where's the pressure, right? Where you're feeling anxious,  and then people put it out on the table. And then it's like, you know, soon you can see burning the candle on both ends, right? I'm heavily into that. And I ignore that. And I get behind on  that. And I work on that. And then they give me either the other thing. Right. Yeah. And I think that, that ministers, when you especially the prayer ministers, who this is your work keeping  that balance because often many of you don't have to be in a certain place. Like in some  ways, in terms of self paced, when you punch in and punch out or you go there is many  people in ministry, if you're retired and you're doing ministry and volunteer now. All of a  sudden, you're injected, that you internally must be balanced. Right? And how to get there  there's a life coach opportunity. Not caring about your dress, or appearance. Proverbs 15  Verse 30, a cheerful look, brings joy to the heart and good news gives health to the bones  now in this sense of like a cheerful look, by the person. But I picked that first because I just  started look the word look I could not honestly find a proverbs Steve I'm just going to be  looking at it, I'm done with it with a disclosure that I cannot find now, if you can find what  email to me, you know, but the idea that this is something that influence literature talks about that many people discount on importance, appearances, may level? Well, you know, if you're,  if you see you don't look put together, but you know people conclude maybe your life isn't  together. And if you're sloppy about that, are you sloppy with other things? And so should I  follow you? Should I believe what you say, it feels superficial to me, I know, I've heard one  person's I look how they look, if I login, they're gonna judge me for I'm worth. You know, I  heard that a few more people, you know, we have, you know, when you're, when you're  speaking, and you're trying to influence me, I make judgments about whether I should listen  to you based on what I mean, I have to go with what I have your first impression, what I have  is what you're saying and what you're like, and I put all those things together. So in terms of  influencing for Christ in ministry, and all that, how important is first impressions and look,  and, you know, because we talked about all these deep things, they feel deep, and this feels  so on the surface, you know, and appearance has many facets to it. For example, my church 

is very informal, we have a lot of new people that come in. So I dress informally. So it's not  like, you know, when you concern with your appearance, that doesn't mean you're necessarily wearing the suit. You're, you're trying to wear what is appropriate for the situation. You don't  want what you're wearing to be the distraction. I mean, I have a suit and you have to, but now you offer, you're coming to the Lord towels, and you said, I'm better than you actually over to  cook up and over. So it's, it's, it's, it's just caring about your dress and appearance and being  appropriate to the situation. Gotcha. Now there is in different cultures, modesty law, but are  modesty rules, modesty, customs, customs, and we've traveled the world and we're  fascinated that one place in the world, this economical zine, called Yan is modest. And this  other part of the world, respectful, Philippines, it's really, really hot. But people wear long  pants. And if you go into a function, and you show up in shorts, they may excuse it, cuz you're a white person, you're a missionary or something, but they feel dishonored. So you have to  know those customs. You have to put a pair of pants on even though it's 95 degrees out,  because it honors them, right. So dress from a appropriate perspective is important even in  your mission. Right and where you are, who you're trying to reach if you're trying to reach  guys that are working in warehouses, then what will relate to them right Paul says I've  become all things to all people by all possible means to reach them. Right so actually there's  a good look right? But if you have five the Apostle Paul there, right he is thing where  appropriate for what you're trying to do. Don't let that be a distraction. Right? Let it be an  asset instead of a distraction. I think sometimes Christians you see in social media too, where  since social media is a global platform, people judge each other not by their unique place. It's  your own place and you see a Christian looking like this to you often you go off on them  because you can't believe that somebody would not be like you and be a Christian one more  thing on this one before I go so I life coach so someone comes to talk with you about dress  and appearance. In some ways, that would feel a little bit like strange like what are they  gonna do go shopping with you or help you decide who's gonna go shopping with you? I  mean, can tell people a bunch of stuff or you can help them discover and again in the  coaching thing, it's always good to help them discover. Okay, where are you feeling? In terms  of how to place with your dress, well, I go here and this, you know, that if you just help them  talk about it, they can figure out not as anyone elses shirts wear a tie. So how do you feel  about that? Maybe I shouldn't wear a tie. You know, I don't have to tell you not to wear a tie.  Right? I just have to get you to start talking about these awkward situations, or where do you  feel uncomfortable or? Right? Well, I feel uncomfortable, because I was taught that this is the  Lord's house. Okay, is there another way of thinking about this? I don't know. This is where  boys will come up with three different ways of thinking about this, right? I guess I don't, I  guess I'm not dissing my friends. When I show up with my jeans. God sees me in my  underwear, and he still loves me. Right? Impressive. You know, whatever. There's other things to think of here. Right? So just helping them think, again, the you could tell them, Look, wear  this, do this, do that. But then when you're not there, they're lost again. Right? They gotta  help they gotta get to a thought about this. What right? Why this? Why is this important? You  know, what can you do about it? Here's one that sort of, in the literature and I had a hard time finding a Bible passage on this one too, actually. Being sly or creepy. Proverbs 14, verse 17, I  sort of saw a crafty man is hated. Again, I'm just putting all these together just enough, just  but I get what influence Splinter talks about when it comes to the creepy. How do you  understand creepy? Creepy is someone that is, you know, there's some kind of a hidden  agenda here. And I don't trust you. So it can be how you're dressed. It could be what you're  saying. Or not saying, There's something about you that I don't trust. Something like, you  know, maybe you make some inappropriate jokes, or you're overly friendly. You stare to the  female staff or something. weird, creepy thing. Or, you know, you're you're always touching  the opposite sex and giving them hugs. Like, you know, find giving a hug, but you know, some people when they're excessive, or they go out of their way, and it's like, Okay, what's going  on here? So I think it's these little hidden, inappropriate things. Right? Just little borderline  inappropriate, inappropriate dress. Right? You know, what, why are you dressing like that?  Right? What are you trying to do here? Right? Where you call attention to yourself in a way?  That doesn't seem normal, right? You know, to us that type of people, you know, that you're 

working with, and they want to talk about, let's say, your sex life or something with your  spouse and rarely call them you know, what is this got to do with anything? Yeah, why are you asking me this? There's some other agenda. I don't know about. Yeah. Hiding, right. So  sometimes, people are creepy about one thing or two things. They're not generally creepy.  But if they talk about this, they're creepy. Do you think everybody is creepy about something? Or do you think that some people really have the creepy minds are pretty well, I mean, is this  something that everybody should have a conversation with a trusted friend? Hey, do I have  any areas of my life where I'm creepy about him? Me? You know, you just wonder about that  to do a reality check. Because I might not think something's creepy. Because I thought my  whole childhood growing up, and it didn't feel creepy, but it just, you know, I think there's sort of like, manipulative, creepy, but there's also people were raised a certain way. They're not  thinking this was normal for me. Rob probably probably a good way to ask somebody is there  any aspect of where I'm kinda seems inappropriate to you? Right. Like, have some other  agenda? Yeah, you know, it's when you do this. Okay. But now, that would be for many very  difficult to, like, want to look at a sophomore. Wait, you get defensive on that quickly.  Probably. You could be like, if it's suddenly you do and you do. But I think if you're in charge of asking that's, that's kind of a general rule. If you wait for someone to criticize you, then you  get defensive. If you ask them. Do you have any advice to give me? I'm in charge, right? So I  don't feel bad when you start giving me advice because I asked it from you, right? But when  you give it without me asking it, and you're you are poking me and you want to poke me?  Yeah, so when I asked for it, you didn't even want anything I'm coming to you. Right? So next  one, using social media as your bully pulpit. Proverbs six verse 27, can a man's can fire into  his lap without his clothes being burned? Okay, so what's a bully platform? Well, you know,  you have a political position. And you're, you really believe strongly in the new social media,  and you post all these articles about your position, and then then maybe you put in the line,  something like, you know, the opposite party have now forgot this. And, you know, you're  more, let's say, You believe so a certain social issue a certain way. And then it's like, anytime  someone goes to your social media feed, they see that this is your thing, it's always your  thing. And, and you feel you become a very thin in who you are to the world, in, this is what  who you are and you want everyone to know it. That's the term itself bully. I think of a bully  pulpit. When you're standing behind a pulpit, you have authority that people are given to you  as the pastor. And now and you can speak to your congregation for as long as you want,  right? Because you have the pulpit right there suggest sitting there listening. So you have an  advantage that others don't have, and the conversation I'm talking to you, you can interrupt  me if I disagree, right. So when I'm behind the pulpit, I have an authority that sort of  squelches you, right. So as people taking the you know, taking advantage of their position or  something, platform or a platform, to say hammer their position without anyone having a  chance to really discuss it. So I think in social media, you can just say all that you want. And  it's very difficult for people to, you know, to have a conversation with you about that you can  slant everything your way, right, and, you know, make the other person look silly and stupid,  that you wouldn't be able to do maybe in another situation, where it's interesting, a lot of the  companies have now laws and guidelines, this whole discussion of fake news and everything,  you know, part of it is related to the influence, wrecking habits that allow people believe  strongly about something, keep pushing the envelope, and then it becomes like spamming.  People feel that this is spam, and then they complain about it. Now, what you can get caught  up on is, well, my issue is just and I want everybody, but notice the violation of influence,  there are how to influence your good habit. The fact that people complain itself says that  anyone who gets a bully pulpit type of stuff, they feel like I don't want to be wrong and  purposely complained to Facebook or to, you know, another social media company about it.  The trait tells you that people don't like that. I think too. Like in social social media, you learn  a lot, there's a lot of speakers on social media, YouTube, and so on, you can listen to really  smart people say stuff. And, and when you listen to someone, talk about for example, global  warming, for example, and they'll have 10 Really great things that you you can't say anything against for it. Or someone else listens to other guys who are against it. And, and attend. They  can arrange all the information exactly. Just so so that when you a person who doesn't know 

much about it, you hear it. It's like, wow, that's it. And so now you go down that trail and you  believe this and you're telling all your friends the truth when you don't know whether it's the  truth or not. And then someone else shows you the other side. It's it's true to really get true.  It's not true. I listened to a lot of people and this is what everyone's saying, or until they hear  

someone else. Give them 10 reasons on the other side, right. And they're flipping and flopping and it's just hard these days with Social media because everyone's using it as a platform to  slant everything. It rarely does someone go, let me tell you the 10 things for this and the 10  things against this, right let you think about it. No, no, it's one year Diddy. And if you don't  think exactly the way I think, and then ultimately, having a whether you preach on Sunday  this way, even preaching, there's a humility by which you don't have things in the Bible or  like, you know, I don't know, this is my, you know, looking at listening and reading the  commentaries. And there's smart people who think opposite on this. Right? So I don't have all  the answers. But people think that is always gotta be this way. Using humor that disrespects  people, Proverbs 24 Verse 24, put away perversity from your mouth, keep corrupt talk fire  from your lips. Why is humor something that can hurt your influence? But humor is a watch  people talking on the street or in a mall or wherever? And within a minute, someone's  laughing? Right? So humor is the Oil of million degrees. Making relationships happen. And not  all of us are humorous or comedians. We don't. And so a lot of us rely on put down humor, or  sarcastic humor. Yeah, negative stuff. Cuz negative stuff can be funny. You know, I was in the  Philippines for a year long ago. And if someone got hurt, everyone started laughing. It was  just sort of our actually it was it was just funny. That was part of that culture. Right? When  something happens is funny. So a lot of times we can use humor to hurt people, you know,  we're trying to is that passive aggressive thing? I'm trying to say this to you, instead of being  direct. I'm going to be humorous about well, it's about time you showed up, right? When  really, I want to see how can we have so stinking late every time we have to wait for you. But  I don't want to do that. Right. So I make some comment. Well, I'm glad you finally showed up.  Yeah. I'm glad you graced us with your presence. Yeah, thank you. Well, and it too, let's talk  about hate speech. It's in the news all the time. Let's talk about like, abuse speech. What is  that, you know, it's hard to get a grasp of I mean, it's even in laws now in in the USA, and  other places in the world. But if you say something hateful even joking about whether it's  racial or whether a gender or a same sex or gay lesbian, there's so many of these areas now  that are actually considered hate speech. Right? And we Christians the worldview of one man, one woman marriage, and even that Christian lives, we have weaned by anyone to study  here. Okay, so now we're talking about people that have some different worldviews on some  strongly believed things. And then they're sort of like this humor can be a place where real  things are said that ultimately disrespect people. someone's doing something What's the  matter you gay? And we just mean that as a put down when the person isn't gay at all, but we use it as a negative term to write lambs somebody, right? Because they picked a flower or  something, and it Oh, are you gay now are so inappropriate, even as you're saying that you're wondering, is that somehow inappropriate? Yeah. Okay. So that well, that's the other side. The other side is, you know, where hate speech is something of course, it never goes well, hate  does that work, right? But sometimes people interpret people just analyzing something as  hate speech, right? If I if I want to talk about my beliefs about lesbians and gays, and  transgender and all that, and I am arguing and making points about something, biology or I'm trying to make some kind of an argument, and then and I and I'm making it for a particular  side, and then you don't like my side and now you call that hates me? Or I'm just arguing a  point. I'm not calling anybody anything. Right. So that you know, people can go the other side and declare everything If you disagree with me, it's hate speech. Right? Right? No, no, it can  be. If I'm using in derogatory, I'm not very respectful about people that I'm talking about. But I can talk about differences and opinions without being disrespectful for a person that, you  know, and I'm talking to a Christian, I believe a totally different thing that they do, but I can  be respectful of them. I don't hate them. And I'm not going to be little them. I want them to  come to know the faith. So I'm being positive and, you know, gentle. But as I hear you say  that I, you know, some might be saying, well, you sound really defensive about telling your  perspective or stellar. I bring this up, because that's the world we're in right now. Okay, we're 

in a place where if someone has a different worldview from me, we, because of social media,  because that you have that one sided platform that we talked about the last time. And being  influential, is knowing it better the world we live in, right? And we can fight it? Or we can say,  

look, how do I love my neighbor, even when it hurts? How do I get up on what is considered  hate speech? And I think this issue will come back for questions in surprising ways that we  can be the leaders of respect, and kindness. Even with people with an opposite worldview,  from some of our perspectives, we would be more influential. If we like, take the bait. As Brian DeCook talks about the peace, fire, class and peace, if we often react and then go back and  say, you know, you who don't have our worldview, you know, you can't possibly know God,  again, in a very demeaning ways. Disrespectful speech, you know, maybe a lot of a lot of  people aren't going to admit that they're doing hate speech. But if you just changed the word, respectful when you're talking about people that you disagree with, right? Are you are you  like, even in church in little ways? You know, Lord, we pray for all those that are out there in  darkness. What are you saying? Are you saying all of us are sitting here in the light? And all of those people out there are wallowing in the darkness? Aren't we great? Not the poor, right?  It's disrespectful of people who need a savior just like you neither say, more respectful would  be, you know, we pray for people that are living in darkness as we sometimes struggle with  that too, right? I need a savior. I'm being received respectful of you. I'm saying you need the  same thing that I need right above you. You know, this whole discussion, as the world gets  more fragmented in, in different cultures come together in a lot of ways to learn how to have  a proper humor, and to learn how to respect other people. People are very different opinions  on anyone I feel frustrated too, is that in many ways, the walls that come up over superficial  things, separate real opportunity of love and relationship. So like, sin, like a comment that's  taken this way. It's like the evil ones just make the chasm bigger. When it was something  superficial, it wasn't in the heart of both sides on a specific issue, right. Well, we'll leave that  one that sort of relates to terrain dissension then proverbs six verse 14, B and 17. He always  stirs up dissension therefore disaster will overtake him. In an instance he will suddenly be  destroyed without remedy. A hot tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man comes  quarrel, a greedy person or greedy greedy man stirs up dissension. What is dissension?  dissension it's a dissent. It's got to be negative. Right? It's stirring up negative. Words  connecting up people giving people against one another. You're you're encouraging  arguments. I always say the leaders especially. You all you walk around With two cans, one is  gas and one of water. And now you run into some situation, what are you going to pour on  here, the gas, or you're going to put the water on this essentially a lot of us put the gas on we hear, we get it, we we say something that just makes it go even worse. And now we got this  huge fire. You know, you know, our pastor did this, that he said that in the last sermon. I know he didn't, you know, add to it. And now we're both over on fire against this guy. Instead of  saying, you know, you know, maybe he wasn't the best last but you know, the week before he said this, I just put a little water or Jesus, you know, the woman caught in adultery, okay,  those without sin. He threw water on those situations, and they all walked away. I find that  sometimes in my ministry over the last 40 years. I've seen lives destroyed spiritually by a  descent of spirit. I almost laughed ministry. Young in the ministry just knew, I thought  everything was going good. And this one man was ever nice to me. And then we but he was  superficially nice to everybody. But what he was doing was getting the scene. Yes. So in a lot  of times the some of the nicest people inadvertently or on purpose, you know, they go to one  person and say something, you know, yeah, you know, I just saw this and I'm a little  concerned, I just thought you should know, right? Things like that, then they go to the other  person. You know, I was just a little concern. I thought you should know your leader around  here to passing things to both sides and turning into fire up on both sides and standing back  and watching the blaze. Yeah, so if you're a person stirring up dissension, who wants to be  around that who wants to be around people that are angry at each other? You know, we live in a world already until it's hard to be an influencer when you're, you're running around creating  anger and frustration. So we're gonna wrap up today, I guess. I hear these were all difficult  subjects. But as I think about it, what a wonderful challenge we have all the gaping problems,  need leaders to come up and don't take the bait instead love even when it's difficult to figure 

out how to be part of a solution, not how to tear down right, so story. That was the opposite of stirring up dissension. It's bringing healing, bringing people together, helping people see that  they're not that far apart on issue rather than exacerbating the issue. Anyway, until next  time, we look forward to seeing you again