Video Transcript: Sex to Know Each Other in Marriage

The next reason God created sex is to know each other. And it comes Genesis 4:1. And then  the King James Version, it says, And the man knew Eve, his wife, and she conceived and  bore Cain. And the word knew is, is the Hebrew word yadah, which means knowing. Now,  there are lots of types of knowing, right, and you can know somebody's name. Or you can  intimately know them, like the husband or the wife, the same Hebrew word, Hebrew word  yadah, for the deepest, most intimate, intimate kind of knowing is, is used for knowing God.  Knowing during sex, I think it's something that wives are actually very in tune to. It's  something that we desire. So let me get give you a little example of this. So they a husband  and wife have been married for a number of years. And they've kind of figured out what works for him what works for her. And so they're having sex one night. And the husband kind of  starts his routine, his his way of pleasing his wife. And the wife is thinking to herself. Yep,  really, again, the same thing again. And she kind of starts to become becoming frustrated.  And as she becomes frustrated, because he's just doing the same thing again, she becomes  even more agitated, because now he's not even noticing that she's frustrated. And almost  angry of like, isn't even noticing, and I'm not enjoying this. Now, the husband picks up on her  tenseness, or thinks. She doesn't seem like she's enjoying this very much. Maybe I should try  something else, she's right on back on board. But if he just keeps calling because he knows,  like this has worked in the past, if I just keep doing this, this is back to work. Then she  becomes more and more frustrated, because he's not getting to know her. He's just doing  what he needs to do to get to the finish line. Because ultimately, wives don't want to just get to the finish line. They want sex to be this amazing journey of connection, and getting to know  each other. It's like this illustration of a woman at a conference gave 100 Different attendees  an apple. And she told them, I want you to take your apple, and I want you to study it. And I  want you to get to know it. So study the color, the variation, the shape, whether it has a stem  or not, or maybe the stem has a little crack and a weak point in it. Smell it to whatever you  want, but spend some time just focusing on this apple and getting to know it. And then she  had all the participants put the apples back into a giant pile and she scrambled them up. And  she said, Now I want you to find your apple is it isn't that just this amazing picture of I want  myself to know me that well to know everything about me physically, emotionally, spiritually.  That's the kind of knowing when we're talking about getting to know each other through sex.  So I want to I want to do just a short demonstration or experience to help you understand how do you get to know your spouse through sex because I think it can be I don't know, it can be a hard concept sometimes to grab, hold of. So I want everybody to take their right hand and I  want you to rub your left wrist and I want you to like really do this with me. Okay, so  everybody's rubbing their left wrist. Now I want you to stop and instead of rubbing your wrist, I want you to think about feeling your wrist. And maybe first you think about feeling the surface  of the+ wrist, the skin and the texture or. And then I want you to think about feeling  underneath the surface of the wrist, underneath the surface of the skin where you pick up the  shape of tendons, or veins. And then maybe try leaving your fingers attached to that skin on  your wrist and move with that skin because then you eliminate friction, and you can feel  underneath the skin even better. And then the last thing I want you to do, I want you to just  literally just keep your fingers still on that wrist, maybe close your eyes and see if you can  maybe pick up a pulse. Because sometimes, when there's so much movement, we're missing out on the most subtle things. So I want you to think about this for a second. What was the  difference between rubbing and feeling? What changed? When I asked this question in class,  a lot of the answers are, well, rubbing was just just mindless feeling was thinking about what  you're doing. It's been intentional, it's being more in tune. I like to think that when we're  feeling, we're actually taking the information that we gather with our fingertips and we bring it  up into our mind. And we make a memory or a mental map of what is. Because if we're 

getting to know each other through sex, if we're feeling each other, instead of just mindlessly  rubbing each other, shouldn't we learn how to read each other's bodies? Shouldn't we know if  something is feeling enjoyable to our spouse, or ticklish? Or if it's frustrating them? And you  will never learn how to read your spouse's mind. But shouldn't we learn how to read their  bodies if we're really getting to know them during that? And so I think this is a powerful  concept, to help us understand what it means to get to know our spouse during sex. Now,  getting to know our spouse during sex is not just about physical aspects, I think it's about  everything. It's about getting to know them emotionally. How are they feeling? Can you sense  that through sex? It's about getting to know them spiritually. Do you know your spouse's  insecurities? Do you know their wounds or their baggage? Areas that that maybe you need to  be gentler? Areas where maybe you need to affirm their beauty or their masculinity. And so  sex is supposed to be this amazing journey of getting to know each other? I kind of love this.  Because for me, this was the answer to how do we have sex, how we have sex in a way that  sex is enjoyable for a marriage that lasts 25, 30, 40, 45 years. Because if we're getting to  know each other through sex, who should be having the better sex, somebody that's been  married five years, or somebody that's been married 40 years, because they know each other so well. And so this is a this is a way different way to have sex. I think it takes great trust. I  think it takes great vulnerability. I think it takes courage to share yourself. I think it takes  intentionality. And it takes being able to talk about sex. A lot of us aren't even able to talk  about sex. And if we're not able to communicate about sex with words, how are we going to  get to know each other through sex. And so it is an area of growth for many of us. You know,  I'd like to think of knowing each other through sex in terms of two dimensions so that the  horizontal and dimension might be a variety of things you can learn as far as different ways to touch each other different ways to pleasure each other different positions, different moods,  you can create different outfits or lighting or music, like it's all those variations. And then  there's a whole nother direction of knowing each other. I think it's a vertical direction of  knowing each other as far as a have greater depths of knowing each other. And that's  something that's much harder to put into words. But, but it's about getting to the place where  you can read each other's bodies where you know what each other are maybe thinking before they even know where you're so intuitive, their happiness or woundedness, what excitement  excites them, what arouses them. Where you can just be together and you don't have any  agenda, but you can go somewhere together. And so I will leave you, I think, with one more  illustration of how you get to know each other through sex. And then it's this idea of when  you're learning how to dance. First, you have to learn the basic steps. And you have to kind of focus and concentrate. And sometimes you're counting, counting. And you're kind of clumsy  sometimes. But you learn these basic steps. And then you get more comfortable with that.  And maybe you learn some variations on the steps once you get comfortable or some spin  moves and some depth. And pretty soon, you don't have to think about the steps, right. And  then you learn another dance, and you're learning about those steps. And same thing, you get more comfortable. And way out here after this journey of learning how to dance together,  you're at this place where the music comes on. And you don't even have to think about the  steps or what dance you're doing, or who's leading, but you just move together to the  movement to music just seamlessly because you know each other so well. And it feels just so  natural. And so I just want to encourage you like God doesn't even just have reasons for why  he created sex, but he helps us understand how to have sex, how to create a sex life that is  vibrant and new every day because we're constantly on this journey of getting to know each  other.