Video Transcript: Learning to Lead with Compassion

When I think about breaking open the conversation of sex in the church, one of the things that I learned early on is that we are all broken. And we have to lead with compassion. Let me  share three stories. The first one, I was speaking at a conference, my private teaching a few  years speaking to couples at a conference about sex. And halfway through during the break,  a woman came up in tears with her husband. And she said, she said, Thank you for  everything that you're doing. But I have to leave. You see, I was sexually abused my father  when I was a child. And this is just too hard for me. I want to do this for my husband. Right  now, I'm not ready. Mr. Simon story. I mean, this friend through, he actually came to one of my sex glasses and ended up she lives close by. And so she ended up giving me a ride home.  And we just instantly connected. And a few weeks later, I ran into her again. And she was at a conference that I was at, for people that struggle with pornography. And she was there,  because her husband was struggling. And this is a couple, I would just never have guessed  that this was part of their story. The third story share, I remember a friend who took on  awaken love class. And she was so excited, she was sharing with all of her friends, a lot of  her friends had come to the class. She was just like, one of my biggest promoters. But she  added her closest friend, she talked to her about the class and her friend had kind of put her  off, put her off. And, and my friend, Pam just wouldn't let it go. Like, you know, you've got to  go to this class, I know this will help your marriage. And eventually it caused a rift in the  relationship. And I don't know why her friend didn't want to go to class. But I'm sure there was  a reason. And I'm sure that Pam was completely clueless, why she did, what was going on  with her marriage. I tell you these stories. Because when you begin to open up the  conversation of sexuality, one of the things that you have to realize is that you have no idea  what's going on in someone's life. And what they're dealing with, they can look like the  perfect, put together, marriage, they could look like the perfect single person. You have no  idea. And so there's such an important that we break open the conversation of sex, that we  realized that every single one of us is broken. And we have to lead with compassion. So I  want to share just a few practical ideas on how to do this. The first one just comes out of  those first three examples. And that is, always remember that you have no idea what other  people are dealing with. Just assume that right off that they have brokenness in their  sexuality. Number two, I think it's important for all of us to admit that we don't have the  answers. I constantly teach classes I hear about hard situations. And, and I don't have the  answer, but I know that God does. And so I think it's important to not just like, think that we do all we have to hang on to God's truth and present God's truth. Create safe places to open up.  But don't pretend like you have the answers for somebody else's struggles or issues in the  marriage. Number three, I think it's important to not joke about sex. And this can be really  subtle. For instance, I heard a sermon once on sex at our church, and how cool that this  pastor was willing to take on the topic of sex. But right from the beginning of the sermon, he  was in trouble because the first thing he said he got up on stage and said I know guys, this is  the one you've all been waiting for the sermon on sex. Now, in his congregation, I guarantee  you, there were guys that didn't want to have sex. And there were a wife sitting right next to  him that felt absolutely hurt because she had the husband didn't didn't wasn't interested in  sex. They're also wives that felt like sex was a duty she had to give to her husband. And it  was this constant duty. And here's the guys are joking about, yep, we get to talk about sex. So we get to try to get our wives to have more sex with us. And so there are all kinds of different  ways where this joke could have been taken the wrong way. And so I just really encourage  you, people are broken. And this is one of the most vulnerable areas of their life, you need to  resist the temptation to because you're feeling uncomfortable to relieve your discomfort type  joking about. Number four, people that come to class are often really nervous. And one of the  most important things that I do is to put them in ease and to just tell them, You know what, 

there is no wrong place to be in your sexuality, you simply are where you are. Because we're  all broken, right? There's no wrong place to be you are where you are. All I want to do is help  you understand what God wants for you, and help you make a step towards that. And so we  need to put people at ease that this is going to be a judgment free zone. Number five one of  

the things that I've realized is that people don't think sexual healing is possible. So as we lead with compassion, we need to start talking about the fact that God heals, sexual struggles. And if you've made mistakes in your past, you haven't ruined your sex life. If somebody has  touched you inappropriately in your past, you haven't. You're not ruined for life. God can heal  even those things. And so we need to open up space, to hear their stories. We need to  encourage other people to hear their stories, to share their stories and their testimonies of  healing. We need to pray for people. But we need to point them towards resources for further  healing rather than saying Just stop it or just pray about it. Healing is possible. And I believe  God wants to heal the area of sexuality. The next thing is, we need to invite them in but never  trick them. Don't force them don't guilt them, we need to respect their choices, people need to be ready and open to dive into this conversation. The next thing is we need to equip and  empower others to minister in this area of sexuality on an individual basis. Because  sometimes, a friend feels like much safer space than a pastor or group of people. And so let's  Let's equip and empower people to speak about sex. And then remind them to invite and  present opportunities for that to happen. Let me just give you a simple example. Right?  Women come to my class. And And quite often, they'll tell their kids that are going to Bible  study, or when they're reading their books about sex they'll hide them because they don't  want their kids to know they're taking a class or maybe they don't want other people to know  that they're taking a class. Why often encourage them like this is a unique opportunity. Maybe  this is the opportunity to open up the conversation with your kids, or with other people that  need to hear the truth about sex. And so what if you let people see that book on sex? What  have you told your friends have taken this crazy Christian class on sex? What have you didn't tell your kids you're going to Bible study but you told your kids hey, I'm taking a class about  making sex and marriage great because because it takes hard work. It doesn't just naturally  happen and I want our sex life to be strong. And awesome because I'm believe it's an  important part of marriage and God created it and I want to go after it. And open up this  conversation with your kids where your kids suddenly realize, Oh, my mom and dad actually  have sex or they want to, they want to make it better and it's good in marriage. And the last  thing I just want to say about about us all being broken, lean or compassionate is this takes  an army is not about one person teaching this is about relationships and creating places for  people to be honest about who they are. And for others, to be honest with them.