Video Transcript: How to Conduct Meetings that Talk about Sexual Intimacy

I want to welcome you back. This course has gone through so many resources and  discussions, and maybe you're thinking to yourself, Wow, this is overwhelming in some ways.  What is exciting about that is that this is what the world needs. The Christian worldview  toward intimacy, marriage, even family is so incredible and so needed needed. And, and you  are a minister, called by God to share the Christian understanding of sexual intimacy, family,  and so forth. So in this presentation, we're going to talk about how to actually have a meeting  to talk about some of these things. So if you're going to have a meeting, it's first of all, setting  the expectations that even before the meeting occurs, there's some ground rules. First of all,  meet with the minister, life coach approach in mind, this whole course, pairs very well with the life coach Minister training, while not 100% necessary, I would say these two fit together very  good, because you're really having the thought in mind, if you're gonna have a meeting, that it really is about, what are the action steps? What can the couple do or the person do to take  that next step toward a transformational lifestyle? Secondly, have safe church practices and  appropriate boundaries in place. And you know, people say, Well, you know, what are you  talking about? Well, we know that the devil is prowling, lying, thinking, who to devour. So in  the area of sexual intimacy, this is a huge concern. And because we know, we've seen, you  know, scandals, with ministers and priests, we've seen scandals with on it with celebrities,  government officials, I mean, the world is on tilt awhirl when it comes to areas of areas of  sexual intimacy, so when we want to have this area of human experience, to glorify God, we  have to make sure that our boundaries are very clear. So to set appropriate boundaries, and  in practice, safe church practices, is essential. So first of all, on that whole, so you know,  practice, if you as a minister have commitment to not cross the line, no matter what. Also in  safe practices, is to be very, very careful. And I wouldn't even say, don't meet if you're male,  don't meet with a female alone about these subjects. If you're a female, don't meet with a  male alone on the subject. I really liked this concept of couple ministry, where if you're a  couple me with another couple, or you're a couple that meets with a woman or a man on  some of these subjects, that would be appropriate. I also believe women meeting with women is appropriate men meeting with men on some of these subjects. But it's the the key concept  is safe church practices that we keep very healthy boundaries in place about these areas.  Number three, instill personal responsibility for seeking out the answers while sharing  resources. No, no. Why is that part of the setup? I think that can be talked about even like,  well, you know, what this is going to be about isn't about really, you, if you're interested in me  with me, we've learned that you have to come in with the attitude of I want to grow I want to  learn and I want to take responsibility for actions. So talk about schedule and create an  expectation for when, where and how long instead of starting time. And in the mean time. You  know, I find this is important too. Early in ministry and in life coach ministry and all that I didn't  I did not clarify some of those things. And what happened was it was became very frustrating.  But after a while, I learned Okay, here's the starting time we meet one hour and here's the  ending time and stick to it. If someone's late don't meet. I mean, I get five minutes late  because Traffic, I understand that. But if someone calls there half hour late, you know, I'm  gonna come in into email, just schedule another time. I do really believe that the proper time  boundaries are essential to make something like this work. And then is this ministry or is this  ministry? I believe that a ministry bid is a wonderful opportunity. Maybe it's a life coach  practice. Maybe it's services offered through a website, or maybe it's through a marriage store or new ideas of how we're going to share the Christian worldview for marriage. But make sure that all those expectations are clear upfront. The same when it comes to ministry, if it's a  ministry of a church, it's a ministry of the church have all of that clarified. And there are  strengths and weaknesses in both areas. So let's talk now about the first meeting. So in the  first meeting, first of all, really clarify what we hope to accomplish, discuss learning, to talking 

about sex related topics and dealing with associated triggers. So the first meeting is about  being clear what we're going to accomplish. In the first thing is talk about talking about sex  related topics. And I tell ya this is an area where some people will trigger like, and I've noticed that I've noticed that over the year in some couples that let's say you're meeting with a couple, and you're going to talk about a sex related topics, say let's talk first of all, before we even  dive in, let's talk about how we're going to language. And people like why? Well, because I've  noticed, like, some people have out of boundary words, and other people have a much more  broad verbiage when it comes to talking about this. And it's just kind of an interesting  discussion. And a sort of, it lays a groundwork of respect that you might be talking with  somebody about sexual intimacy related subject. And you're very respectful on how people  talk about this within their own marriage. It also gives you a clue as to where the couple of  that because I've noticed too, when I bring up that subject, one member of you know, one  member of the marriage, the wife might be having a very broad vocabulary, and the husband  have a very narrow vocabulary. And then right away, you can start seeing Okay, wait a  minute, there's already a disconnect, that you see right away. Number two, asked about what  in their sexual intimacy is an area of concern, ask them if it is a personal or couples struggle?  And what growth are they looking for? Again, this is very much in that life coaching type of  thing, where in the life coaching curriculum here at Christian leaders Institute in college, you  know, we talk about identifying the area of concern, so that we know what it is. Because once  we know the area of concern, we can start talking about it as something to be addressed. And also, it's not personal, like I'm not bad because of this. In counseling. What often happens is  people take very much things personally, or they create a very thin story. There's one area of  concern in this one area of concern cloud over their marriage, it clouds over them as  individuals, where when you hear the area of concern, you as a minister's very  understandable area of concern. But let's talk about what that means. And what we hope to  accomplish in that area of concern. What you'll find is that people will talk about an area of  concern, and then they'll talk about more areas of concern. And then sometimes it can get  where there's a lot of areas of concern, but then at a certain point number three, prioritize the  top three areas. You know, maybe there is only one area of concern, and that's the priority.  But sometimes, you'll find that one area of concern leads to another concern leads to another  area of concern. What I like to do is to get a whiteboard out in life coach ministry or  counseling or pastoral care sessions, and write down all the areas of concern? And when  there's one or two, okay, we'll address those one or two. But sometimes there are 10 areas of  concern. So you write them down, and then you prioritize, what would be the most important  area that we can start with? Then number four, go deeper in the chosen area. What asking  such questions as Why did you choose this area? What? Why does that concern you? Are  there obstacles or triggers that have held you back from making a decision or to change  something? Or what are some actions you want to explore? Going deeper, is an interesting  process, too. Because sometimes people will say this is their area of concern. And when you  go deep, you find that not their area of concern is something else. And then what I do is I then go to the whiteboard and say, you know, I've heard you say this, but I keep hearing this is this  to really, so And since that first meeting, is trying to find out really the areas of concern are  one thing be careful of is see what you see, don't see what to think you see, listen, be a  listener in this, the first session, really all sessions, the middle of it listener, but the thing is to  listen accurately and to in sometimes, the area of concern, the really feel, is still not the area,  the first to tell you like like, for instance, in a marriage, often, there's sort of many times or  subjects that really does not want to talk about. So they talk about other areas that are around the bush, of beat around the bush is a phrase in English, but they're not actually the bush,  they're not really talking about what is the area of concern. So in the process, you're listening 

to discern, what is the area of concern? What are the areas of concern? And are those the  ones that are really there? So in the first session, that is what you're talking about. So after  you clarify some of these things, then number five, get a concluding action point. What is one  action point that comes out of this first meeting? What's great about that, in maybe there's two union out of the first meeting, but what's great about that, is you sort of say okay, why did we  meet, we've clarified why we've meet, we have clarified some of the issues of concerns. And  now we're going to say what, what's one thing, Jordan two, that you believe that we can do, or we can work on from now until the next meeting. And what happens then is discussion that  occurs in real priorities, start leveling up to the top. And then the last thing to talk about is  really the prayer and efficient goals. Write down what areas will need prayer and welcome  God into their transformation, to welcome God into their transformation. You know, I think  often social sciences and counseling and approaches that are done this where and  everywhere. Everything is about the latest and greatest in principles of, of figuring things out,  but in reality, they're not welcoming God in the Bible is all about the promises of God and  welcoming God into someone's life. So my wife and I were proofreading and talking about  this. Pam and I are talking about yesterday, and we were doing our devotions or couple  devotions. And it's fascinating to me how the Bible welcomes God into the solving of the  problems of our lives. For instance, here Psalm 28 that we read yesterday and meditate on  and prayed together through as we were meditating on this to you yeah, that I call my rock.  Don't be deaf to me less. If you are silent to me, I will be like one going down to the pit, hear  my voice on my petitions. When I cry to you when I lift up my hands towards your most holy  place. Don't draw away with the wicked, with the workers of iniquity, who speak peace in their  neighbors but mischief in their hearts. Give them according to their work, according to their  wickedness of their doing. Then, later on, it's just fascinating. In verse seven verse six blesses Yaveh because he has heard the voice of my petitions, yaveh, that is my strength and my  shield, my heart is trusted in him and I am helped, Therefore my heart greatly rejoicing. So  read Psalm 20, in your own, please. But notice to how bad is into the Restoration Ministry, he  is the helper, you as a minister, you are a conduit of his help. So one of the things about in the ministry sciences approach to life coaching conflict and pastoral care is the welcoming of  God. And as a minister, were one who basically listened. So what I would recommend that  you do then, is, as you're listening to the first meeting, conversations that you're writing down, but you're writing down, what is going to be the ending prayer of the day. And And before you  say the prayer, say, let's welcome God into the so let me get this correct. The major issues  that we're going to pray about today are these issues. The major plans or an action steps that  we're going to talk about are these action steps. We're going to invite the Holy Spirit to come  into this space, in what starts happening and changes this from counseling to the welcoming  of God is my rock, his promises, change our marriage and change our sexual intimacy. And if  you'll notice the problems I didn't talk about some of the possible problems, but you've just  taken the class and you've seen problems. You've seen different libidos, you've seen the  pornography, you've seen communication issues, you've seen so many different things. But  these are the common problems that many of them will come up. And maybe in the first  session, none of them come up because the trust level isn't there to talk about them yet. So  they're, they're talked about in like, you know, there's some things that we feel incompatible  about, okay, so we say, Lord, there's some incompatible concerns in the marriage. So you talk about that. But the point is, is to get to that place of prayer. And as a life coach, Minister, a  marriage minister, in pastoral care, or whatever your kingdom minister, kingdom life coach,  Minister, we, they, God is our helper. And then, also, when officials do like a wedding officiant,  you know, also share his vows. What I like to do, too, is is like, ask, is there anything that you  want to make a commitment for, that we can pray about, and a lot of times people blurt 

something out, like, you know, I want to committed to, you know, working less and spending  more time in our marriage, okay? Then, what you can do is, is, put that in your prayer, and  sort of help them save that vow. I've even done it before, where you know, where you really  like to commit to a vow is really interesting in the book of Acts, the apostle Paul has a shaved  head into a vow. And it's talked about, and I just think it was fascinating, that, that we need to  welcome God and we need to commit ourselves to His plan in his best for our lives. And as in  the first meeting, this is the culture that you want to establish. So let's talk about the second  meeting. So the second meeting is to review goals and get into the how. So the first meeting  is more about the what there might be a little action steps and get, of course, that's some how in there. But this is really where the action steps even take on that new urgency. So, number  one, review the decisions made the first meeting has God been speaking? Is there more  clarity of what you want to do as a couple or as a single area of sexuality or your marriage?  Review the priorities that were picked that you picked in the last meeting? Are they still the  main priorities, explores some plan options? In we're going to talk about some of these things  is are we in a transformational care plan? And what we mean by transformational care is are  there some triggers from the past that have to be addressed? And in maybe you as the life  Coach, minister or pastor wherever are not going to address all that in your needs amount  from Christian counseling or other support services. And that's fine, too. But the whole point in maybe there's a gender specific concern or trigger at this point, the key is that you are not the provider of everything. Remember, God is the helper, but you also have the body of Christ. So what would the transformational plan look like? What about maybe it's an education plan?  Maybe it's a peace filled relationship plan. We have courses at Christian leaders Institute in  college on Peacesmart, and maybe some of this relates to you know, I see there's huge  conflict, and maybe the plan is to find out how to have peace in Jesus Christ. So whatever the concerns are, when you start thinking about overcoming the concerns is very much about  identifying the type of plan. And then from that, explore some action steps from the plan  discussion. And back to what we talked about in the first meeting, officiate commitments,  vows and prayers, what can be committed to pray about or to do before the next meeting. And the third meeting, review progress, seek to advance the goals, review the goals, the vows, the prayer spoken, the last meeting, how did God show up? Now let's stop right there. If we invite  God into the situation, he shows up. in ministry, in ministry counseling. I, we've said this  before, in this class, I am amazed at how God shows up to bring healing in the home, in the  lives and even very special lives into the concerns are life. We might think they're minute or  someone else. But to us, they're not minute, and God shows up. So how did God show up? Is there more clarity? Or is there a plan adjustment needed to review the priorities you picked up the first and second meetings are these still the main priorities? What happens so often is that the priorities change to become more focused. And as they focus on some of the peripheral  safe priorities, the more deeper or real issue priorities come to the surface. So review the  progress of the plan. How did it go? So you set more of a specific plan in place? Was Was  there any progress? It is a transformational care plan, a education plan a peace filled  relationship plan? What did you learn? What surprised you? Number four, move toward a new commitment to the original or revise plan? Are you satisfied with your plan? Do you want to  revise do want to add, and then again, officiate commitments, vows prayers, for any revised  or new plan that reflects your key priorities. What can be committed to pray about or do  before the next meeting, when you start getting into these later meetings that additional  meanings if you're not introducing anything new now what you may introduce is a resource.  You may introduce a class and Christian leaders into a free class on marriage. We've, we  have marriage we have all sorts of mini classes we have in why not invite people that you're  ministering to people that you have a practice serving, want to introduce them to a free class 

and who knows what God is going to do in the life coaching approach. We don't want to tell  anybody anything, but we want to help them discern what they ought to do to coach them  along in the process. So finally, let's talk then about additional meetings. Well review goals  vows prayer spoken at the last meeting How did God show up? Is there more clarity or our  plan adjustments needed review the priorities you picked up the previous meetings are the  still the main priorities, review the progress of the plan, how it go Transformational Plan,  educational plan peace filled relationship plan how what did you learn what surprised you  adjust to the commitments to the original revised plan. Are you satisfied with your plan, revise  and officiate commitments, vows, prayers, any revised or new plan that reflects your key  priorities, what can be committed to pray about or to do before the next meeting? Now, if you  notice, I just pretty much read the previous slide. Because at this point, it is just about  reviewing and, and exploring. And sometimes it does take, you know, a few meetings before  the issue that really is the issue is brought to the surface. But it's still about God, come into  my life come into this specific problem. Now, in the whole process, one of the things you want  to model is that you are a curious learner, curious and discerning learner and doer. Now, I  was witnessing to someone yesterday, and this person had a lot of challenges in their  business and some health concerns. And it's fascinating as I get older, and I do know that  we're getting older and there's more challenges. And so this person was then really stuck in  question to me, like, you know, you've had a lot of negative things happen in your life, why are you so positive anyway? And I said, you know, I have, but I believe that I focused on, What is  God doing? I can pick 1000 things that, you know, I could look at. That's so frustrating. But  ultimately, I know that these light and momentary troubles are achieving for us the glory that  far outweighs them all the II Corinthians 4, we fix our eyes, not at all what is seen what is  unseen, for what is seen is temporary, what is unseen, is eternal. So here we are. And I said  to him, like, I don't have time to focus on the tons of negative things happening in the world.  Yeah, I read the news. Yeah, I have political opinions and all that. But I will not be defined by  my political opinions, or I will not be defined by the bad news. I am defined. And I seek to be a curious learner and doer, for the good news, as it said in Philippines, whatever is true,  whatever is noble, whatever is praiseworthy, think about such things. So while you're in this  relationship, be that person who is an agent of hope. So be curious. Be a curious and  discerning learner and doer. And, and both are important. You can become curious, and just  kind of go down trails that in the end, don't lead to solving problems or helping the but you're  helping yourself. So it's curious that discerning so that even good resources, you're going to  look through and in get the nugget, but you're not going to start to start becoming drifting in  your own convictions, and so forth. And what I find is that the body of Christ, the diversity of  the Body of Christ has what we need. There are amazing people resources that are  everywhere. Now, I think about the areas in the area of sexual intimacy. You know, my wife  and I were first married, there were some amazing Christian men who shared some insights  about sexual intimacy with Me, and really helped me and there were some amazing Christian  women who helped my wife to really, you know, embrace her own femininity and sexuality.  And I think that's really awesome. And, but when there's that culture, now did everything that  guys in guys said to me was helpful. No, well, they just turned through some of the stuff and  but as a curious and discerning learner and doer, it helped and as minister here that that sort  of, you can ask, you know, Hey, everybody, always remember. Hey, George, Sue, always  remember that God may have someone in your life, that may be an encouragement to you,  you don't have to do this alone. The second thing is when you're a curious and discerning  learner and Doer there's also the sexual intimacy minister as a resource. So in some ways,  you this is about you. As the minister, you are on a path to be a curious, learner and Doer to  help others. So when I talk about this slide, you know, part of it is what you share with others. 

But there are people resources for you as leader, but also, as a leader, commit yourself to be  curious and discerning about resources that can help in this class as an example of that you  didn't probably know everything you know today, about sexual intimacy, you probably were  introduced to things you never thought about before. Becoming a curious and discerning  learner and doer. You know, I would recommend to those who you're talking with and  ministering to, that there are women who are comfortable with this subject, and men who are  comfortable with the subject. And if you know who they are, maybe their marriage ministers in your church, you know, maybe they're people who really have a voice in this area, you know  make the connections. So the first area of people resources, you as a minister in your curious journey, women or men, you may know that can be part of the package to bring healing, you  know, those are all these things. But remember, as a minister, these things are highly  confidential. So you may connect someone, but you're not going to say, here's someone's  problem, remember, confidentiality, that you're not going to tell other people what other  people's problems are. But you're, what you're doing is you're creating a world where you  know, it, like for instance, how you might create the people resources, connection, or the male and female relationship connections, it might just be through inviting through Bible studies  with people, you know, are leaders in these specific areas. Well, there are people resources,  but there's also intellectual resources. We've talked about this, these courses, these mini  courses, books and blogs. And and you'll find that there's a lot out there on the internet, for  helping in specific sexual intimacy problems. They're specifically located on the internet. I  know like, for instance, the marriage bed is a site that my wife and I have visited, and got  excellent resources for doing ministry. In marriage bed related subjects, I'm focused on the  family has excellent resources about sexual intimacy, and other blogs, we also find that there  are some internet sites that do that have excellent insights. But then there are things we don't  agree with. And at first I used to be like, but remember the discerning user, the discerning  reader. So but then, on the other hand, some of these sites have incredible, insightful ways to  think about something that are very biblical and extremely helpful in sometimes when I would  read something, you know, I first, you know, push back. And then I realized that this was a  very insightful thing that glorify God. So discerning, reading this subject of sexual intimacy is  wrought with so much attack by the evil one. We have to both be curious, but be discerning  media resources, movies, blogs are more difficult because 90 Plus themes about sexuality in  the media, are not even in marriage. But there are some that are my wife, and I subscribe to  Pure Flix, and we enjoy many of the movies there. But even on Netflix, and other places, that  are media that support the Christian worldview. There are also blogs out there in the blogs  that have more media focus, like a marriage heat.com. There might be things that you like  and don't like, but what I love about that, for especially newly married couples who have no  experience, it's long, it's fun to type literature in contemporary language. Now, sometimes I  get uncomfortable with the variety of even our Christians understand marriage. But what I like  about that is here's Christians who are committed to hot monogamy do relate sexually with  one another. And for some people, that's very helpful. So what I'm saying about this is  because In a curious learner and discerner. And in this area, it is extremely challenging, but  we are not defeated. So we can as a minister, bring people resources, we can, as a sexual  intimacy minister, or in this area, we can be confident, and we can grow and be curious  ourselves and grow as we'll grow as we grow. We use shared resources. As a man, I can start a men's Bible study. In fact, I've had so many men's Bible study and wellness subjects that  often comes up is sexual intimacy related subject. And I can encourage you, if you're a  woman, same as well, but again, always remember boundaries and always observe  confidentiality. The intellectual resources, courses, mini courses, book, I mean, I just showed  you, my wife, and I have a whole section of book in our personal books in our personal library 

about sexual intimacy. Those are excellent to find. Blogs, I think there's incredible blogs out  there. But again, be discerning. And then media resources. They're more complicated. And I  find that in the media resources, just full disclosure, sometimes I like a blog that I will read,  that's really helpful. And then sometimes with like, oh, or sometimes I will just agree with why  that story was allowed to be published. But then, you know, I through that story, I think, okay,  but that's an interesting perspective. The key thing in all of this, will we be those who promote  the hot monogamy? worldview, that is one man, one woman that our sexuality is defined by  that and how can we be curious learners and discerners, as we go forward, and not grumpy  on this subject, not legalistic on this subject. I want to talk about this legalistic thing. My  experience with the Minister is like this is there's a freedom in the marriage bed that people  have together. And part of this is why it's so difficult to talk about it because there are some  Christian couples and like elders and ministers and churches and really godly people that  have very vernacular language in the bedroom. And they have a very, I would call it extensive  sexual intimacy palette, okay. And then there are some who have very specific words. And  that's what it is, and in, they get triggered. And then you also have people that have different  paths, some have experienced abuse, or some experienced, women have been raped, it  becomes almost like you don't even want to address the subject. But as you as a minister can just stay non judgmental and curious and, and realize that people are on a journey in this area has been so controlled, and it is controlled in our culture right now by the evil one who is just  trying to break marriages apart. If we keep that perspective, then as a marriage, intimacy,  Minister of life coach, Minister, what we're here to help them develop their goals. We're here  to help them enjoy who God has created them to be. We're not judgmental, we're not grumpy, but we hold unswervingly to the Hebrews passage that marriage, the marriage bed, marriages to be honored by all in the marriage bed kept pure. And we're not going to get caught up in  the diversity of how Christians think about this, we're going to get caught up in the worldview  of the blessing of marriage. So anyway, holding meetings can be challenging, in yet is very  practical. So just kind of sum it up. You know, just thoughts that come to my mind. Keep  excellent boundaries. Be a curious learner and discerning discerner. You'll get experience in  holding these meetings, and at first. Maybe you won't feel so confident but if you stick to the  plan, and get someone else Talking is better than than just not talking and getting more angry  with each other. And then the devil uses that to separate them and creating divorce. The  subject is a vital and important subject in who we've been created as human beings. So we  want to address it with grace, with encouragement. We want to be careful that there's different sensitivities out there, and we don't want to like sidetrack health by criticizing their specific  sensitivities versus how you would understand it. We're all about blessing. How do we and  then prayer, how do we invite God into that marriage? So you know, I know you're gonna do  great in this. I know that as you think about it, and pray about it. God has given give me give  you insights. And may God bless you, as you dare to hold meetings to talk about this very  important subject.