Video Transcript: Listening as Effective Communication
All right. We're in this effective communication class. And in this session, we're going to talk about listening using your ears listening Proverbs 21:11, the wise man learns by listening, the simpleton can learn only by seeing scorners punished. What is listening? Number one, listening is not talking. That's the hardest thing for some people to not talk. Even, you know, my father, for example, my father would always ask a question, how are you? What are you up to lately? And I would say about one or two sentences, and he would take whatever I said, as the topic for him now to talk. In fact, it was a really interesting I, I lived on the other side of the country from him, and he would get my sermon tapes. And he would listen to my sermons. And he would, he would, when I would meet him in person, he'd say, you know, a lot of what I know about you is from listening to your sermons, not from you talking to me personally, why is that? I want him to come back at him and say, Yeah, exactly. Why is that is because in the, in the sermon, you're listening to me speak for half an hour, you can't say a word, you have to actually listen for a half an hour without saying anything. And that doesn't happen when we're person, to person listening is not talking. Trying to understand what the other guy means to say, trying to understand what the other guy is, how he's saying, it's trying hard to understand the other guy, that the other guy notices your efforts, that you're actually trying to understand what they're saying, rather than listening only long enough for me to have a comeback, or me to have the thing that I want to say, why is listening so important in this whole area of communication? The more you know about the other guy, the more effective you can be when it's your turn to speak. The more you know about what the other guy is thinking, the more you can strategize your response. So the other guy is saying something, and you hear something you don't like or something you disagree with you right away, interject, then you fail to hear the whole thing of what he's saying. And then he has something to come back. And then you go back and forth. And then you have this big argument, instead of listening long enough, so that you understand exactly what he's thinking and what he's feeling. And that he knows that you understand what he's saying and what he's thinking. What is listening do for the other guy? What does it do for you? Number one, you give honor to the person that you listen to? It feels someone listens, to me, it feels like they're honoring me, people are more likely to like you simply by you listening to them. Someone who listens to me, I feel like it most likely. If the other guy likes you feels that you respect him or her, then he or she will be more likely to listen to you with interest and respect when it's your turn. So you have to earn the right to be heard. You earn it by listening. Well, how does one listen? Seek first to understand before being understood, now, we generally go the other way around. I want you to understand my point, I got this thing to say and I have these opinions and I want you to understand them. We're impatient. Listening is I want to understand you first I'm gonna, I'm gonna delay my gratification. I'm gonna delay all the wonderful things that I think
and know when I want to impart upon to you. I'm gonna delay that I'm gonna spend time and I want to understand you see, that takes work. That takes patience. Take a genuine interest in what the other guy is saying by positive nonverbal gestures. So someone's talking to me. And I'm not looking at them. I look them in the eye and I go oh yeah, I can see that. My My gesture is one of openness. You're saying stuff and I disagree with you. You can see that when people are talking and someone is saying something the other person is not agreeing in their faces on crinkled up, arms or fold. And then their stances like this, they're in the defensive, or these are getting in the offensive position. See, and then the person doesn't feel listened to take a genuine interest in what the other guy is saying by positive non threatening questions. Okay, questions you don't ask questions that that are threatening. Well, why do you think that? What kind of opinion was that? Or what did you hear that? See those are threatening? I am questioning what you are saying. A non threatening question would be? Now, you said something that's very interesting to me. What did you mean by that? See, and I'm being positive. I want to know more from you. I don't want to know less. I'm not bored with what you're saying. I want to know more. Could you? Could you explain that a little bit more in more depth? And I'm curious about that. Listening type questions, questions for clarification? What do you mean by that? When I was just doing questions of expansion, could you expand? And maybe you're not sure that I'm interested, I'm really interested, I want to know more about this. I want to know this in depth. Could you expand on that? See then the person feels energized? Really, you're interested in what I've got to say, Sure, I'll expand on questions to keep the other guy talking. I want the other guy to do more talking. Because the more talking he does, the more of his stuff comes out, the more of his stuff comes out, the more willing he's willing to listen to what I have to say. And the more I know about what he thinks, and the more I can respond to his exact needs and where he's at. Listening statements. I mean, just give me some examples of what you can do. That's interesting. Everyone likes to hear that. If if I'm talking to someone and I'm saying something, and they look at me and go, that's really interesting. That energizes me. I feel really, Oh, that feels good. Or I never thought about it that way. No, I may disagree with what they say. Okay. I may disagree with what they are right now saying, but I don't have to start out with that. Because if I say that I'm cutting the conversation off. So instead of saying I disagree with you, I say I never thought about it that way. Doesn't mean I agree. But I have never thought about it that way. Or, now, again, I'm not agreeing. I'm not saying I'm agree. I'm saying you give me something to think about. You know that. That is something to think about. Right now. I don't agree with it. I can say it that way. But I'm not sure I agree with what you're saying right now. But that would cut the conversation off. I want to keep it going. Give me something to think about. Or number four. Here's what I hear you saying to me. Correct me if I am wrong. So
now I'm trying to project I have listened to you. I've listened to you. Well, in fact, I think I've listened to you well, but let me check it out. Because I don't want to be presumptuous. I don't want to be that guy. That's a know it all. No. I want to be humble in my presence with you. So here's what I think you're saying now, I say it. And then he goes, No, I don't think you quite got it. Okay, then I'll listen. Eventually, I want in the end for him to say I think you absolutely understand what I'm saying. Because if I can get him to that point, then maybe he'll listen to what I have to say. Well, how does one not listen? Number one, avoid questions that lead to arguments. See, once you get into an argument, you're lost. There's no way to get to some kind of solution to this. Because now your your pride is at stake my pride is at stake and now we're just arguing for the sake of argument. Avoid questions that sound like sarcasm. Oh, really? Is that how you think? You know, it's a it's a poke. And if I poke you, you're gonna poke me back. Avoid voicing objections to what you are hearing. Someone says something you disagree with it. You don't right away, say I disagree with that. Because then you get a get into an argument. Save your objection. Okay. Just make a mental note. Okay. I don't agree with that. I think that was a false statement. But I'm gonna hold on to it because I'm listening to you right now. Later. It's my turn to talk and I can bring those objections. And then if you start poking back, I could say, hold it, I listened to you. I spent a lot of time trying to really understand what you Think and why you think what you say. And I'm asking for you to do the same for me. Avoid body language that suggests you disagree with what's being said same thing. If I'm like, you know, that's gonna kill the conversation. I don't want to kill the conversation. I want the conversation to go. I want you to say as much as you can, so that you feel listened to so that I can then present my side what being listened to does for the other guy, the one listen to feels honored. The one listen to feels cared for the one listen to feels important. The one listen to feels recharged the one listen to who feels ready to listen to you. Okay, know your audience. If you're gonna do this listening thing, you've got to know your audience, if you're going to be a good speaker, it was business, whether it's church or wherever it is selling, it doesn't matter. If you want to be a good speaker, you have to know to whom you're speaking, you got to know your audience. Luke 15, Jesus told three parables, the parable of the prodigal son, the parable of the last coin, the parable of the lost sheep, incredible stories that Jesus tells. But this is why he told the stories, the tax collectors and the sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus but the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, this man welcomes sinners and eats with them. So there was two people in the audience, there were the sinners and there were the righteous. And so he tells a story to both. Both can relate to these stories. He's well aware of his audience and who they are what they think. You have to be aware of your audience. You have to know people and the only way you can know people is to listen to them. Knowing people know their work, know their
play, know their family, know their politics, know their religion. In preaching, know people's struggles. Know your people's fears, know your people's hopes and dreams. Preach to old Christians help them doubt. People that have been Christians a long time, placid and complacent in their faith, give them some doubts. Give them a reason to go back to the Scriptures. New Christians help them believe they don't believe you got to know where they're at and what they need. These two groups need two different things. Get people to tell their stories. How'd you meet your spouse? How'd you get into the work that you got into? What do you love doing? Why do you think that is? I ask those kinds of questions. And people are people who haven't been asked these questions. They're eager to tell you and you learn so much about them. What is your spiritual dream? What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Just giving you a bunch of questions that you can ask that will help you get to know people. What do you wish was better in your life? If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? What is your favorite movie? And why? Why do you think most people don't go to church? I love this question. I asked this question all the time. Why do you think most people don't go to church? Now if I asked someone why they didn't go to church and be offensive, but when I asked why do you think most people go to church? I'm asking for their learning opinions. And they go, I'll tell you why. And they end up telling you why they don't go to church. Because you have honored them. I've asked for their opinion about people. If people were to appear, if God were to appear to you and grant you an answer to three questions, what would they be? What kind of family did you grow up in? What did your father and mother do? That you would do? If you were a father and mother? What would you do differently than how you were raised? I use these at like retreats. And I'll tell you what comes out is amazing. People's hurts, their pain, how they were raised, and what they're doing with their own kids. It comes flooding out. I learned so much about people just by asking questions. What do you like about your work? What don't you like? Where do you? Where do you wish you had help with your kids? What is your favorite memory as a kid? What is your worst memory as a kid? I think you could have a Bible study with just those two questions. And if you got all these answers to think when you're preaching about things, to things you would know it know where your audience is. How to become a better listener, try. Okay, so I'm gonna give you some practical tools on how to become a better listener. Number one, try listening only. Go into a conversation goes somewhere and decide ahead of time that you are going to listen for 10 minutes. Try with your spouse. Don't tell them just say, Hey, how was your day? And then only listen, nod, smile, but don't say a word. See how long you can keep the conversation going by listening only. Discipline yourself to do it. Keep a listening journal. What did you hear today? Every day you write down. These are the things I heard people say, this is not about what you say. It's about what others have said
you're focusing on them. It's not about you. It's about them. Challenge yourself to accomplish your goals, whatever they may be, through, listening. How do I impress my boss through listening? How do I how do I become a better pastor through listening? How do I have a better marriage through listening? How do I become a better parent by listening? How do I become a better son or daughter by listening? At whatever it is your goal is in life? How do I sell more products by listening? How do I get along with my coworkers by listening? How do I make more friends by listening? Whatever your goal is, you just write down 10 goals things you want to accomplish, and then just put in the end of it. How do I do that by listening? Probably the biggest key to being a better communicator is becoming a better listener.