Video Transcript: Listening as Effective Communication

All right. We're in this effective communication class. And in this session, we're  going to talk about listening using your ears listening Proverbs 21:11, the wise  man learns by listening, the simpleton can learn only by seeing scorners  punished. What is listening? Number one, listening is not talking. That's the  hardest thing for some people to not talk. Even, you know, my father, for  example, my father would always ask a question, how are you? What are you  up to lately? And I would say about one or two sentences, and he would take  whatever I said, as the topic for him now to talk. In fact, it was a really interesting I, I lived on the other side of the country from him, and he would get my sermon  tapes. And he would listen to my sermons. And he would, he would, when I  would meet him in person, he'd say, you know, a lot of what I know about you is  from listening to your sermons, not from you talking to me personally, why is  that? I want him to come back at him and say, Yeah, exactly. Why is that is  because in the, in the sermon, you're listening to me speak for half an hour, you  can't say a word, you have to actually listen for a half an hour without saying  anything. And that doesn't happen when we're person, to person listening is not  talking. Trying to understand what the other guy means to say, trying to  understand what the other guy is, how he's saying, it's trying hard to understand  the other guy, that the other guy notices your efforts, that you're actually trying to understand what they're saying, rather than listening only long enough for me to  have a comeback, or me to have the thing that I want to say, why is listening so  important in this whole area of communication? The more you know about the  other guy, the more effective you can be when it's your turn to speak. The more  you know about what the other guy is thinking, the more you can strategize your response. So the other guy is saying something, and you hear something you  don't like or something you disagree with you right away, interject, then you fail  to hear the whole thing of what he's saying. And then he has something to come back. And then you go back and forth. And then you have this big argument,  instead of listening long enough, so that you understand exactly what he's  thinking and what he's feeling. And that he knows that you understand what he's saying and what he's thinking. What is listening do for the other guy? What does it do for you? Number one, you give honor to the person that you listen to? It  feels someone listens, to me, it feels like they're honoring me, people are more  likely to like you simply by you listening to them. Someone who listens to me, I  feel like it most likely. If the other guy likes you feels that you respect him or her,  then he or she will be more likely to listen to you with interest and respect when  it's your turn. So you have to earn the right to be heard. You earn it by listening.  Well, how does one listen? Seek first to understand before being understood,  now, we generally go the other way around. I want you to understand my point, I got this thing to say and I have these opinions and I want you to understand  them. We're impatient. Listening is I want to understand you first I'm gonna, I'm  gonna delay my gratification. I'm gonna delay all the wonderful things that I think

and know when I want to impart upon to you. I'm gonna delay that I'm gonna  spend time and I want to understand you see, that takes work. That takes  patience. Take a genuine interest in what the other guy is saying by positive  nonverbal gestures. So someone's talking to me. And I'm not looking at them. I  look them in the eye and I go oh yeah, I can see that. My My gesture is one of  openness. You're saying stuff and I disagree with you. You can see that when  people are talking and someone is saying something the other person is not  agreeing in their faces on crinkled up, arms or fold. And then their stances like  this, they're in the defensive, or these are getting in the offensive position. See,  and then the person doesn't feel listened to take a genuine interest in what the  other guy is saying by positive non threatening questions. Okay, questions you  don't ask questions that that are threatening. Well, why do you think that? What  kind of opinion was that? Or what did you hear that? See those are threatening? I am questioning what you are saying. A non threatening question would be?  Now, you said something that's very interesting to me. What did you mean by  that? See, and I'm being positive. I want to know more from you. I don't want to  know less. I'm not bored with what you're saying. I want to know more. Could  you? Could you explain that a little bit more in more depth? And I'm curious  about that. Listening type questions, questions for clarification? What do you  mean by that? When I was just doing questions of expansion, could you  expand? And maybe you're not sure that I'm interested, I'm really interested, I  want to know more about this. I want to know this in depth. Could you expand  on that? See then the person feels energized? Really, you're interested in what  I've got to say, Sure, I'll expand on questions to keep the other guy talking. I  want the other guy to do more talking. Because the more talking he does, the  more of his stuff comes out, the more of his stuff comes out, the more willing  he's willing to listen to what I have to say. And the more I know about what he  thinks, and the more I can respond to his exact needs and where he's at.  Listening statements. I mean, just give me some examples of what you can do.  That's interesting. Everyone likes to hear that. If if I'm talking to someone and  I'm saying something, and they look at me and go, that's really interesting. That  energizes me. I feel really, Oh, that feels good. Or I never thought about it that  way. No, I may disagree with what they say. Okay. I may disagree with what they are right now saying, but I don't have to start out with that. Because if I say that  I'm cutting the conversation off. So instead of saying I disagree with you, I say I  never thought about it that way. Doesn't mean I agree. But I have never thought  about it that way. Or, now, again, I'm not agreeing. I'm not saying I'm agree. I'm  saying you give me something to think about. You know that. That is something  to think about. Right now. I don't agree with it. I can say it that way. But I'm not  sure I agree with what you're saying right now. But that would cut the  conversation off. I want to keep it going. Give me something to think about. Or  number four. Here's what I hear you saying to me. Correct me if I am wrong. So 

now I'm trying to project I have listened to you. I've listened to you. Well, in fact, I think I've listened to you well, but let me check it out. Because I don't want to be  presumptuous. I don't want to be that guy. That's a know it all. No. I want to be  humble in my presence with you. So here's what I think you're saying now, I say  it. And then he goes, No, I don't think you quite got it. Okay, then I'll listen.  Eventually, I want in the end for him to say I think you absolutely understand  what I'm saying. Because if I can get him to that point, then maybe he'll listen to  what I have to say. Well, how does one not listen? Number one, avoid questions that lead to arguments. See, once you get into an argument, you're lost. There's  no way to get to some kind of solution to this. Because now your your pride is at  stake my pride is at stake and now we're just arguing for the sake of argument.  Avoid questions that sound like sarcasm. Oh, really? Is that how you think? You  know, it's a it's a poke. And if I poke you, you're gonna poke me back. Avoid  voicing objections to what you are hearing. Someone says something you  disagree with it. You don't right away, say I disagree with that. Because then you get a get into an argument. Save your objection. Okay. Just make a mental note. Okay. I don't agree with that. I think that was a false statement. But I'm gonna  hold on to it because I'm listening to you right now. Later. It's my turn to talk and  I can bring those objections. And then if you start poking back, I could say, hold  it, I listened to you. I spent a lot of time trying to really understand what you  Think and why you think what you say. And I'm asking for you to do the same for me. Avoid body language that suggests you disagree with what's being said  same thing. If I'm like, you know, that's gonna kill the conversation. I don't want  to kill the conversation. I want the conversation to go. I want you to say as much as you can, so that you feel listened to so that I can then present my side what  being listened to does for the other guy, the one listen to feels honored. The one listen to feels cared for the one listen to feels important. The one listen to feels  recharged the one listen to who feels ready to listen to you. Okay, know your  audience. If you're gonna do this listening thing, you've got to know your  audience, if you're going to be a good speaker, it was business, whether it's  church or wherever it is selling, it doesn't matter. If you want to be a good  speaker, you have to know to whom you're speaking, you got to know your  audience. Luke 15, Jesus told three parables, the parable of the prodigal son,  the parable of the last coin, the parable of the lost sheep, incredible stories that  Jesus tells. But this is why he told the stories, the tax collectors and the sinners  were all gathering around to hear Jesus but the Pharisees and the teachers of  the law muttered, this man welcomes sinners and eats with them. So there was  two people in the audience, there were the sinners and there were the  righteous. And so he tells a story to both. Both can relate to these stories. He's  well aware of his audience and who they are what they think. You have to be  aware of your audience. You have to know people and the only way you can  know people is to listen to them. Knowing people know their work, know their 

play, know their family, know their politics, know their religion. In preaching,  know people's struggles. Know your people's fears, know your people's hopes  and dreams. Preach to old Christians help them doubt. People that have been  Christians a long time, placid and complacent in their faith, give them some  doubts. Give them a reason to go back to the Scriptures. New Christians help  them believe they don't believe you got to know where they're at and what they  need. These two groups need two different things. Get people to tell their  stories. How'd you meet your spouse? How'd you get into the work that you got  into? What do you love doing? Why do you think that is? I ask those kinds of  questions. And people are people who haven't been asked these questions.  They're eager to tell you and you learn so much about them. What is your  spiritual dream? What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Just giving  you a bunch of questions that you can ask that will help you get to know people.  What do you wish was better in your life? If you could change one thing about  yourself, what would it be? What is your favorite movie? And why? Why do you  think most people don't go to church? I love this question. I asked this question  all the time. Why do you think most people don't go to church? Now if I asked  someone why they didn't go to church and be offensive, but when I asked why  do you think most people go to church? I'm asking for their learning opinions.  And they go, I'll tell you why. And they end up telling you why they don't go to  church. Because you have honored them. I've asked for their opinion about  people. If people were to appear, if God were to appear to you and grant you an  answer to three questions, what would they be? What kind of family did you  grow up in? What did your father and mother do? That you would do? If you  were a father and mother? What would you do differently than how you were  raised? I use these at like retreats. And I'll tell you what comes out is amazing.  People's hurts, their pain, how they were raised, and what they're doing with  their own kids. It comes flooding out. I learned so much about people just by  asking questions. What do you like about your work? What don't you like?  Where do you? Where do you wish you had help with your kids? What is your  favorite memory as a kid? What is your worst memory as a kid? I think you  could have a Bible study with just those two questions. And if you got all these  answers to think when you're preaching about things, to things you would know  it know where your audience is. How to become a better listener, try. Okay, so  I'm gonna give you some practical tools on how to become a better listener.  Number one, try listening only. Go into a conversation goes somewhere and  decide ahead of time that you are going to listen for 10 minutes. Try with your  spouse. Don't tell them just say, Hey, how was your day? And then only listen,  nod, smile, but don't say a word. See how long you can keep the conversation  going by listening only. Discipline yourself to do it. Keep a listening journal. What did you hear today? Every day you write down. These are the things I heard  people say, this is not about what you say. It's about what others have said 

you're focusing on them. It's not about you. It's about them. Challenge yourself  to accomplish your goals, whatever they may be, through, listening. How do I  impress my boss through listening? How do I how do I become a better pastor  through listening? How do I have a better marriage through listening? How do I  become a better parent by listening? How do I become a better son or daughter  by listening? At whatever it is your goal is in life? How do I sell more products by listening? How do I get along with my coworkers by listening? How do I make  more friends by listening? Whatever your goal is, you just write down 10 goals  things you want to accomplish, and then just put in the end of it. How do I do  that by listening? Probably the biggest key to being a better communicator is  becoming a better listener.