Video Transcript: Emotion in Communication

All right, so we're in the communication effective communication class. And  today we're looking at emotion, how to communicate emotion. Communication is more about emotion than logic, you think that a conversation is about what  you're talking about. But there's often an undercurrent of emotion,  understanding, emotion in communication. First thing you have to understand is  human beings are emotional creatures. They're happy, they're sad, they're  angry, they're depressed, they're fearful. They're excited, they're tense, they're  up they're down. All these emotions are going on all the time, you think you're  talking about one thing, but there's the emotions going on underneath. Human  beings tend to hide, or cover up their emotions, to maybe stoic, you would have  no idea that they're angry inside. Or that they, you know that you just said  something that upset them, because they don't show it, we tend to keep our  emotions inside, or they blame, or we have the fight or flight, I'm going to fight  you, or I'm going to walk away from you, I'm going to give you the silent  treatment. So emotions are playing out in all of our conversations, in all our  interactions with people. And a lot of times we're not aware of the emotions.  Human beings are emotionally inherently insecure, when challenged or  criticized. So in a conversation where you're challenging someone, or you're  pointing out a different point of view, most human beings have a hard time on  that. And they're reacting inside. So when you say something bluntly, or if you  give an opinion, strongly, sometimes people will say, this is the way it is. They  won't say I think this, but they'll say it like it's some universal truth. And when  you do that, if a person disagrees with you, they might not tell you, but there'll be shrinking inside, and they'll have this anger that's building up. Understanding  emotion in communication, therefore, because we have this undercurrent of  emotion all the time, therefore, be aware of the emotional undercurrent in your  communication and adjust accordingly. When you're talking about something,  look at someone's body reaction. If they're going like this, they're not open to  what you're saying. If they're backing away, they're not open to what you're  saying, look at their face. are they smiling at you? Are they nodding at you or  there's no expression whatsoever. These are all little clues of what's going on  inside of them. As you're talking. A lot of times people will just talk, they have  their opinion, and they just be talking away, and they're lost in their own  thoughts, and they're not looking for the reaction. And then they wonder why  they're not getting any headway in the conversation. Listen, not only to the  words, you or someone is saying, but also to the emotion behind them. Keeping  your own emotions under control in a communication. Be aware of the things  that push your emotional buttons, for example, for me, whenever someone is  illogical, we're having a conversation. And then they say something that doesn't  make any logical sense. That just, you know, when someone throws out  something illogical, I right a way pounce on it, because I'm, I'm a lawyer type  kind of person I like, I like arguing about finer points. And if you make a point, 

that doesn't make any sense, my initial reaction is to jump on it and to say  something like, well, that doesn't make any sense. But that pushes that person  away. Not everyone is logical. They're, they're saying something, but the truth of  what they believe is somewhere underneath. And if I pounced on their logic,  then I'll never find out what they're really thinking. People are not logical. They  don't listen, they cut you off, they change the topic when losing an argument. So if I'm talking to somebody, and all of a sudden they cut me off, it's because  they're feeling threatened. Or they change the subject is because they're feeling  threatened. They may not be a lawyer type, they don't know how to answer or  they're not quick. Their minds aren't. Even they like to think about things before  they say things. I don't have to think about it right away. The logical drive me.  Well, another person reacts slowly, they need time to think about it. And so to  delay, they'll change the subject I have to be aware of that. I have To be aware  of when I'm pushing someone's buttons or when I'm upsetting them when, when they've stopped listening to me, and they're now in defense mode. Be aware of  the things that push your emotional buttons, be aware of things that push other  people's emotional buttons, using emotions in communication, ask questions to  get someone talking about things that create an emotional reaction. Now, on the one hand, do you want people to think, to express their emotions or don't you? I  want to get someone thinking emotionally. The emotions is where people really  feel. They can logically talk about things, they can talk about things, but what do  they really feel? Their real feelings are in the emotion. So how do I get to their  emotions? I need to ask questions. Questions like, Well, what do you think about that? Or someone's talking to me how their father never listened to them? Oh,  yeah, my dad, he never listens. You know, I was at my dad's house. And, you  know, I was trying to tell him something. And he just, he just, he just doesn't  listen. So they just say that, okay, they're not to the emotion part yet. So I but I  could ask a question. I could asked. And, well, how do you feel about that? I  don't know. I, I personally don't like it. Well, what don't you like about? I don't  know. I mean, who does like that? I don't know, how do you feel about? Can you think of an incident? You know, what exactly were you talking about? And how  did you feel when he sort of cut you off. And now you, you're open, they're  opening themselves up to what they really feel. Tell stories, that get someone  thinking about things that creates an emotional reaction, make use of the  emotion, energy towards the topic you want to talk about now in sermons by  bringing up an emotional story. You know, maybe it's a story. And I told the story  of, you know, when we had to put our dog down. And you know, that was a few  years back so I can talk about it. But at first, you have this dog, you've been with his dog for 12 years. And then all of a sudden, you have to put the dog down,  our dog started biting little children. And it was finally time to bring him in the  United States. We bring them to the vet. And then they give him a shot and put  him to sleep. They die. So it's time to bring him to the vet. This is this is my dog. 

And Sammy, you know, he was a border collie. He would chase the ball, he  would bring it back. And they have these, these eyes look at you and you're the  master that they've trusted all this time. And so I have to tell Sammy, you know,  it's time to get into the car. You know, we're gonna we're gonna go in the car and he's all excited. Oh, yeah, I get to go in the car with my master. And he's getting  in the car. He's looking around and looking at me. Like, ah, this is a great day.  And I'm feeling horrible. I'm feeling like, like I'm betraying my best friend. I have  you in the car. You're excited about going somewhere but I'm gonna take you to  a place where they kill you. And then I bring you to the place and he's still  excited and I I bring I have to bring, I have to hold him and I have to bring him in  and and I thought just just horrible. You know, the first time I told that story, you  know at church, and after just happened I had tears in my eyes. Okay, I can  tears coming down my eyes as I'm telling this story about a dog. Every dog lover in the congregation's got tears in his eyes. And the people that just was at a  funeral of one of their parents. It the whole sadness thing. The emotion is there.  It's a dog that brings the emotion. This is one little story that brings the emotions. But now the emotion is in the room. And we can talk about the emotion in the  room a couple of weeks ago, I shared the story of Tony Dungy, who was the  coach of the NFL team that had Peyton Manning won a few Super Bowls and so on. So he's a high profile coach in the NFL, the National Football League here in the United States. And he's a commentator now a really good guy, a solid  Christian. And a few years back, his son committed suicide. And there's a  YouTube YouTube video that you can look it up for yourself. But he's at a  banquet after one of the Super Bowl wins and he's telling the story. He's telling  the story about his son and how he committed suicide and the pain and the loss  that he felt. But then he said, you know, but some good things happened. You  know, at the funeral As the coach Dungy Dungy talked about, you know how he  wished he had said goodbye. Last time that they really hugged the last time that  they saw each other. He's going back to school, and he said, “See you, son.”  And that was it. And then they didn't hug. And he wish he had done that. You  know, one last time, but he, but he didn't. So he told that story. Then he said,  After the funeral, some people called me and said, You know what, when I heard that story, I went, I went and found my son and I hugged him. And I said, Son, I  love you. So a son and father connected because of the story. They donated the son's eyes and someone can see and they wrote a letter. I'm the one that got  your son's eyes. And now I can see. And someone else wrote and said, I gave  my life to Jesus after attending your son's funeral. So he said, all these good  things happened because of his son's death. Okay, so he tells this really  emotional story. really emotional. But then he used. He said, you know, what, if  God had come to me, and say, Tony, I'm going to give new eyes to this person,  I'm going to rekindle 1000s of relationships, fathers and sons, mothers and  daughters. And I'm going to save someone who would have gone to hell forever.

But now they're going to go to heaven forever, but it's going to cost the life of  your son. And Tony Dungy says, I wouldn't have done it. As good as those  things are. I would not do, it's not worth the life of my son. I would not do it.  Okay, so now all this emotion is out there created by the story but now Tony  takes it, and turns it around. And he says, I would not do it. But that's exactly  what God did. God did pay the price of His Son, He gave His Son to die on the  cross for us. He did what I would not be willing to do. And then Tony, gave kind  of an appeal that people could accept Jesus as their Savior. But see, the  emotion is out there on the table. But he took it and redirected. The emotion is  there. Once you tell a story that has emotion, the emotion, the emotion is going  to be there. But now what are you going to do? So sometimes, I can tell them  my own personal story, and they can have some emotion on it. But my point is  not to share my emotional story. My point is to put emotion on the table. The  emotion is your story. My story reminds you of your story. And now that we have  this emotion on the table, what are we gonna do with it? How are we going to  use this emotion for God's glory? How do you use emotions in communication,  telling a story or testimony communicate one specific to illustrate the general. I  remember in the early days with Christian leaders Institute, I was doing a  preaching class. And I wanted people to share their testimony as part of their  sermon and so on. And people would share their testimony. And they often say  something like this. You know, when I was young, I got into drugs. And I got into  a wild living and sleeping around and carousing, and they just made a whole list  of generalities of a bad life. I lived all that bad lifestyle. I did all that. And then I  came to know Jesus, and now my life has changed. And it's like, well, I can't  relate to generalities. I can't relate to you lived the bad life. I don't know what it  means that you carrouse around. I don't know what it meant that you slept here  and you were on drugs. And I can't relate to that I'm not emotionally connecting  to anything that you're saying. And then you somehow gave your life to Christ.  Now everything's better. I can't relate to all of that stuff. It's just a big blanket  general thing. What you need to do instead is find one specific. And let the one  specific stand for all the generalities. I need one good story. Give me one day.  Give me the most dramatic day. When you shot up that one time you were on  the street and you found this guy and he sold you this thing and you put it in  your arms and the whole time you're doing it was Like, I don't know why I'm  doing this, my life is horrible. I'm falling apart, my wife left me, my kids left me, I  have no job, I'm going nowhere. And yet here I am doing it again. And I wanted  to just end it. So you have to tell one specific story. And then what happened. Or the time someone, you know, you know, was wanting to end it all. And they had  the gun and they had everything that they were going to do. And then something happened. Someone made a phone call, and they said these words, hey, how  you doing? And it stopped. You need to specifics of something, not the  generalities. And, you know, when I taught the course, I kept saying that over 

and over again. And people kept doing the generality to know, I was such a  sinner. And sometimes when we pray to God, God forgive all my sins. So I don't  know what that means. What sin would you like him to forgive you for? The sin  of ignoring your wife? The sin of going on the internet and looking on  inappropriate sites. See, that's specific. That takes courage to pray. It's easy to  pray, Lord, forgive all my sins. I'm such a sinner. Really? In what way? Are you  such a sinner? Give me the list. Use negative emotional energy towards a  purposeful goal. So it might mean grief. But what is that? Because that was the  Tony Dungy story. It's grief. It's painful. It's suicide. There's nothing more painful  than that for parents. Yet Tony took it. And he said, I'm going to use this for  God's glory. I wouldn't do it but God did. In demonstrates how loving and caring  God is how to use negative emotions towards a purposeful goal. Sympathize,  communicate that you care. Empathize, walk with people in their emotions.  When someone tells a story, and there is emotion on the table, acknowledge it. I can see this really upsets you. I can see that this really angers I, I've said some  words that hurt you. I can see that. Can you say something about that? I don't to hurt you. But I'm not going to ignore it. I see it. And I'm going to mention it. I'm  going to walk with you. I'm going to apologize if I need to verbalize what you  think they're going through. Okay, if someone's hurting. I don't try to win up one  of them. Someone is suffering. I don't know. Well, you know, I've suffered too. I  lost my mother. She fell down some steps and broke her neck and took five  days and we ended up we're supposed to pull the plug in all these. You know,  my grief stories better than your grief story? No. I don't want to one up you. I just want to communicate that I care and that I sympathize and that I have a little bit  of understanding. I lost my mother too. I know it's the same. I know I don't have  the same circumstances that you do. But I do know something about it. And I  know it hurts. I do know that. Some communicating that I'm walking with you and I feel a little bit of what you feel not everything. You're the only one that knows  exactly how you feel. But I know something and I know it hurts. catalyze a  positive outlet or direction or a redirection. Again, I love that Tony Dungy thing he redirected now I know how God must feel. I know how he agonizes over the hurt that we feel because I, I agonized I can see you're agonizing. You're agonizing  over let's say a son that's walked away from everything you've tried to help them you've tried to instill in good some and then they walk away from it. And their life  is painful and it hurts you because you feel like there's nothing you can do.  You've loved it you've given to them everything that you can and and yet they're  suffering so that's how God feels to you can understand how God feels send His Son to die for us and we still ignore it we run away we go the other way and  must break his heart when he sees us suffering when when we don't have to. If  you just listen, he's probably thinking I want so much for you. Don't you  understand I want so much for you. You're walking away. So redirect it towards  some kind of teaching things. Using the different emotions when communicating 

joy, express joy. Don't be afraid of joy. Don't ignore joy, anger, excitement, a  sense of urgency, fear, sadness, tiredness, energy, confusion, urgency, concern, determination, all these different emotions. Don't be afraid of emotions,  emotions, is where people are really at. You can teach people all these different  things. And here's the background of what a Pharisee is and what the difference  between a Pharisee and a Sadducee, okay? But what's going on inside of  people? How are they being a Pharisee in their own life? How do they need to  be more like to the tax collector whose humble, standing in the corner saying,  I'm not worthy. I'm really not worthy of God's grace. Help people bring their  emotions out, so that you can deal with them, so that you can give them to God.  Sometimes it's putting the emotions on the table. And then all we can do on the  end is give them to God. And he's ready to take them. Don't be afraid of  emotions in communication.