Video Transcript: Connection 3 - Family

All right, we are in this effective communication class, we're looking at how we  connect to God. Last time, we looked at how you connect in your marriage,  remember, communication is all about connecting. And so this session, we're  looking at how you connect with family. If you're married, and you happen to  have children, God has blessed you, in that way, truly is a blessing. But how do  you effectively communicate in the family and that's what we want to look at. So  basic communication path for your family, it's the same path is any relationship,  your relationship to God, your relationship to your marriage, you have to have  talking, you have to have listening, you have to do it repeatedly. Now, it used to  be that families spent a lot of time together, that they they work together, they  played together, they had every meal together. My wife grew up on a farm, there was the morning chores to do, then the whole family had breakfast, there was  afternoon chores or morning, late morning chores to do. And then they all had  lunch together. And then there was other things to do and they had dinner  together. They were together at periodic times, all throughout the day. Now  families today, kids are off to school parents off to different places of work, in  kids are into the sports into the hobbies, different groups that they're a part of  the whole family is going every which way. A family is like if you took a rubber  ball, and each person has a rubber ball, and you just randomly threw them in a  room, they're bouncing all over the place. And once in a while, all the balls meet  together in one place. But that's a rare thing. So how are you going to have a  close family and I've heard people tell me this, it's pastor you don't understand.  It's impossible in this world to have talking, listening repeatedly as a family, I  can't get my family together. It's just impossible. And then I look at him and I say, well, then fine, then it's impossible to have a close family. Because there's only  one way to have a close family talking, listening repeatedly. If you don't have  that you're gonna have a close family. And you can blame your modern culture  all you want. But that's not going to help you get a close family. If you want a  close family, it takes talking, listening repeatedly. And you have to somehow be  together in order to do that. Well, if you want God at the center of your family, it  takes communication with God together and your family. So prayer Bible  devotions. You have to spend time in prayer, and with God's Word together as a  family. How are you going to do that? What you need to succeed, you need a  path, what are you going to study? I had four boys. And at one time, all four  were teenagers. We had four children within five and a half years. So we had  four teenagers in the house, we decided that we want our kids into the Word of  God. So we decided we're going to read through the Bible. And I gave my kids  that option. We can read through the New Testament and a year, we can read  one chapter of the Bible every day through the year, or we can read the entire  Bible for the year. That's three chapters every single day. And but I threw in  some incentives. I said, if we do the one, that's $50, I'll give you $50 At the end  of the year. The second one second easiest, I'll give you $100. If we read 

through the whole Bible, I'll give you $150, which is $600. For all of them. Well,  they chose the $150 route read through the whole Bible. That's three chapters  every single day, at nine o'clock every night, we got out the Bibles and we read  the Bible. And if we skip a day, now we have six chapters do we skip two days,  

we have nine chapters to do. So you don't want to skip. We did it the entire year. We put a path together. And we figured out how we're going to do it. We put it  into a schedule nine o'clock at night. It didn't matter if their friends if their friends  are over well, they gotta join us to accountability. We're holding each other  accountable, you're not going to get the $150 Unless we do this reward, the  $150. Support. We didn't have support, our family was just doing that on our  own. So it became difficult we could have quit, where it became hard. Why most  of the by the way, let me tell you what happened with that. It was it was you  know, sometimes we read the Bible and it was we have an old discussion. It was awesome. Sometimes we're just reading through the Bible because we're  supposed to read the Bible, especially when we got to Chronicles Chronicle.  There's just one name after another, just reading names after names. I'm  wondering God, why are we doing this? You know, my kids are going to be in  counseling one day saying how their parents forced them to read all these  names in the Book of Chronicles, is interesting. And the reason why we wanted  to do this read through the whole Bible is because I was inspired by my wife's  parents, my wife's parents, as I said, were farmers. They had dinner and they  had breakfast together, they had lunch together, they had dinner together, and  they read one chapter of the Bible at every dinner time, every time they sat at  the table to eat. So they read three chapters of the Bible every single day, 365  days of the year, which means they read through the whole Bible from cover to  cover every single year. Which was impressive. And when I was dating my wife,  before I married her, we're reading the Bible, I was there, you know, every day,  every day, three times the reason we happen to be in Chronicles. My father-in law is reading all these names, one after another, the next at lunch, same thing,  suffer the same thing next day, same thing, and I liked. And so he kept reading.  Anyway, one day he was reading, and he's reading all these names, and he  read the name Hepzibah. Have you know that name, but it's in the Bible? You  read the name. And he paused. And they looked up at all of us. And he said, I've always liked that name. I remember thinking, Okay, and then he kept reading,  never thought about it again. Now, it's many, many, many years later, we're  reading through the bible with our family, four boys. They're all teenagers. And  we're reading, and we're the Chronicles. And we're reading all these names. And all of a sudden, I'm reading along the one name after another. And all of a  sudden, I read the name Hepzibah. And I pause, and I look up at my kids. And I  said, your grandfather always liked that name. And now they were looking at  me, like I was looking at my father in law so many years ago. So we kept  reading. The next year. We read through the whole Bible, we succeeded at 

doing it the next year, I said, Well, what should we do this year? And they said,  let's read through the whole Bible again. I said, Good, because I'm not paying  you this year. That was priming the pump. So we started reading the Bible  again. Well, as we started reading, grandfather, my wife's father died. Her  mother, her mother died a couple of months before. And then the father died,  like in January. So he died. And so now it's after he had died, the funeral and  everything. And now it's a month later, or a month and a half later. And we're in  Chronicles again. We're just reading again, same old thing, pass out the Bible  and everyone's reading. And so we're reading through these names. I'm thinking the same thing. Here we are, again, reading through all these names, and not  thinking anything. I'm wondering how is this going to be good Lord? How does  this? How does this teach anybody anything? How is this inspired? How is this  going to change anyone's lives here, we're just reading these names. And I'm  reading along. And without thinking about it without realizing it's coming. All of a  sudden, I get to that word Hepzibah. I read the word Hepzibah. And I look at my  kids. Tears in my eyes. Because we all know what that word means. Now. We  know that it stood for grandpa, and how he walked with God every day, how we  read the Bible, three chapters, every single day, how God was precious to him,  and how he's not here with us. Now. The good, the sad, all of that was all  packaged into that one word, a word that God had been working in us. From the first time I heard him say he liked that name. I had no idea it had any meaning  whatsoever. But God did. What the Word of God does. It may not hit you the first time. But God has a plan and he's working out that plan. But you have to you  have to somehow do it. As a family you have to you have to lay that first layer  and then the second is comes in the third and fourth and finally at the fifth layer  and grabs your heart and squeezes why most don't succeed too many  schedules again the bouncing balls in the family, too busy. Everyone's doing  their own thing. Mixed up priorities. We got other things we want to do. There's a large age spread. You have older kids, you have younger kids. These  understand one thing, these need something else. And well, how do you do that  together as a family devotions are not meaningful, you're just going through the  motions, again, Hepzibah doesn't mean anything, I don't know, it takes 18 years  for something to maybe click in. Lack of support. Maybe you're not walking with  God personally, or in your marriage, or you don't have it going on at church isn't  supported. And so as a family, you're floundering. Maybe one of your kids is  uncooperative. And now what do we do, and you don't have other families,  helping you and telling you that there is hope, even though your teenage son  right now doesn't care, you just keep going. This is what you do. This is what we learned. In the end, he may come around lack of a mission, you know, if you if  your family was actually helping other families, walk with God, you see that  would inspire your own family to stick with. But if you're not helping anyone, then why should you do? How to build communication walls, okay, you're in a family, 

you're trying to make communication happen. And we do things that build walls  that separate us from one another? How do you do that? Number one, the best  way to kill communication in your family is to have a lot of yelling, raising your  voice in anger. Colossians 3:21 fathers do not embed are your children, or they  will become discouraged. Anger is an emotion that we use. When we're  frustrated about how things are going. We get frustrated with our kids, we do so  many things for them. And then this is what they do to us in return. How is this  possible? It's unfair. Anger is always caused by this thought. This is unfair. Well,  a lot of life is unfair. It's unfair, that you as a sinner are loved by God, and that  Jesus died on the cross for you. That's unfair too we love because he first loved  nagging, criticizing correcting indirectly, again, as a parent, that the kids have a  lot to learn everything that they do could be improved upon. And so parents  spend a lot of time criticizing. That's not quite right. No, you don't put your  clothes on, right? No, you didn't do the test. Right? You could have done this  better this right. You can paly to your sport better you can. There's all these  things that we that they could do better. And we're correcting and nagging and  criticizing, and correcting and that's all they hear. Ephesians 6:4, And now words you parents don't keep scolding and nagging your children, making them angry  and resentful. Rather, bring them up with loving discipline, the Lord Himself  approves with suggestions and godly advice. Number three prying. If you love  someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what. Because you'll always believe  in Him always expect the best of him and always stand your ground in defending him. A lot of times as we pry into our kids lives, they're getting the sense that we  don't trust them. You know, where were you? What did you do? Well, I went to  school, what did you do at school? Well, I did some work. Well, what work what  show it to me, those we we communicate all the time that we don't trust them.  We communicate to them that we think we firmly believe that they're probably  always going to lie to us. See, it's easy, then for a kid to start thinking, My  parents don't believe in me. They don't believe the best of me. They're always  thinking the worst. Now, you're doing it out of concern. But I'm just saying from  their point of view, they're getting the message that you don't trust them that you don't believe in them. Number four, ignoring the story in the book of Samuel, the  original prophet, and his sons were didn't do very well, Eli and his sons and he  didn't really pay attention. And then his sons were incredible disappointment to  not only him but to God, but it was largely because they were ignored. You  know, you're busy with your own thing is easy to do. As a parent, you're busy  working, you've been busy trying to provide for your family. And then some.  Sometimes you end up ignoring your family. You're busy with your own thing. All  right, so how to build in a positive way. How do you build communication  bridges? Okay, we want to connect walls divide and bridges connect. So what  bridges can you build in your family? demanding respect, Leviticus 19:3, each of you must respect his mother or father. Okay, just a lot of parents who will try to 

get along with their kids. They want the kids to like them. And so they, you know, try to you know, try to get it their level. I'm a kid, you're a kid. Let's play together.  But you watch two kids playing doesn't take very long and they're fighting. You  are the parents be the parents. And that means your kids must respect you.  Don't let them talk back to you. That's not how it goes. I'm your parent doesn't  mean I'm perfect. But you respect me in the role that God has given me and you have to demand that respect. Number two, listening, Proverbs 16:16, how much  better to get wisdom than gold? Choose understanding rather than silver  understanding comes from listening. Don't assume, listen to your kids. Why  don't you do that? You know, when they do something that you disagree with,  instead of just coming down with the punishment, at least try to figure out what  they were thinking. What what went on, maybe I'm seeing things in a wrong way. Maybe I communicated to you wrongly. Let's talk about this. I need to listen to  you. Number three, sharing. Matthew 19:13-14, then little children are brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, and pray for them. But the disciples  rebuked those who brought them. Jesus said, Let the little children come to Me  and do not hinder them for to for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as  these. spend time with your kids. That's what Jesus did. All the adults in that day thought Jesus wasted by spending time with these kids, and Jesus said,  because they matter. If kids matter, spend time with your kids. Number four,  negotiating a Phillipians 2:3, each of you should look not only to your own  interests, but also to the interests of others. Negotiate with your kids. A lot of  times, we give our kids poor instructions, they fail, and then we get angry, and  then the punishment comes. Make sure things are clear. Look, if you do your  homework, then this is going to happen. If you don't do your homework, then  this is what's going to happen. It's clear that teenage kids, remember, you know,  you're a teenager, and your parents say You know, you have to be home by 11.  That's the curfew. And if you're not home by 11, See, A lot of times we don't say  what's going to happen if you're not. So then you come home at 12. And then  you get the riot act and you get into real trouble. But that was never agreed  upon. Suddenly, kids just angry, said parents need to sit down, okay? Look, you  have a choice. You can come home at 11 o'clock. And then we treat you really  well. On Saturday, you can do whatever you want to do. But if you come home  after 12, you have to work with me all day Saturday. That's your choice. So the  kid comes home at 12 o'clock. And what happens? Parents are upset. They're  disappointed. And so they they yell at them for a half an hour. And then they say  and you will be working with me all day Saturday. So the agreement was that  you will work all day Saturday if you came home late. You agree agreement  wasn't you have to work all day Saturday, and you get yelled at for a half an  hour. And because you went over what you said you were going to do. Now the  kid thinks it's unfair. He doesn't learn anything. But instead, I said, you have a  choice. And I mean, it's your you're free to choose what you want. So the kid 

comes home 12 o'clock. You meet him. You say, Well, I see. You chose to work  with me on Saturday. Good because I need that. And that's it. I don't have to yell at you. That wasn't a part of the argument. See, now I treated you with respect. I honored your choice. I gave you a choice you choose. Fine. Honor that choice.  Now the kid goes on Saturday, the whole day as he's working he's thinking you  

know, maybe next time I'll come on on time because this is I'm paying a big  price for this. And I'm the only one to blame anchoring the bridge I don't build a  wall build a bridge. Where do you how do you anchor a bridge a bridge has to  be anchored or it doesn't know again, First Corinthians 3:10-11. Each one  should be careful how we build no one can lay any foundation other than the  one already laid which is Jesus Christ. Proverbs 14:26 reverence for God gives  a man deep strength his children have a place of refuge and security. Connect  your children connect your family to God. Key attitudes to communicate to your  kids. The I Am somebody's attitude. How you communicate your kids that they  are somebody, Not in them themselves, but God has created them something,  you are somebody, I can do it. Most things in life we fail at first. How do you give your kids the sense that they can do it? I can do this thing you want them to try,  even when they fail, you want them to try again. I can do all things through  Christ who gives me strength? That's the attitude. You want your kids to have.  The I will try attitude instead of the I won't try. I'm afraid of failure. Don't let your  kids fear failure. Failure is part of learning and growing. God loves us as we are  Why do we feel failure? Three skills to communicate to your children self  discipline, you want your kids to be self disciplined? How do you get them to be  self disciplined, you give them responsibility. I'm going to let you do this thing.  And you learn responsibility by what happens. If you fail, you suffer a little bit  because of your failure. And then you learn. You learn to take care of it so that  you don't suffer so that you get the reward. But if you rescue them from  everything, you give them responsibility. When they fail, you come in help a little  kid, you're at a restaurant and he spills his milk. And then you clean it up and  you yell at him or yell at him. He spilled his milk. You know what, you can cause  problems, problems happen, and you can fix problems. Here's the napkins. You  know, clean this up. And they clean it up. You didn't get angry at them. Things  happen. And you reward them you honor them for taking there's a problem. You  created a problem and you did something about congratulations. judgments,  teach them right and wrong, and how to make good judgments. Okay, the one  relationship you most want your kids to have Psalm 78. Oh my people listen to  our instructions. Open yours to what I'm saying for ice. For I will speak to you in  a parable. I will teach you hidden lessons from our past stories we have heard in those stories our ancestors handed down to us. We will not hide these truths  from our children, we will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the Lord about His power and His mighty wonders. For he issued his laws to Jacob  he gave his instructions to Israel, He commanded our ancestors to teach them 

to their children. So the next generation might know them. Even the children not  yet born. And they will turn and teach their own children. So each generation  should set its hope a new on God not forgetting his glorious miracles and  obeying his commands. Ultimately, the thing that you need to communicate to  your children is the relationship to God. Everything hinges on that there's  nothing more important. Making a living the things the hobbies, the things that  you busiest, the most important thing is your walk with your wife. And then if you have children, your walk with your kids. Make that the center of your  communication and all that you do. If you succeed there, you succeed  everywhere else